Friends Divorce and your kids

[NanceXToo]

sticking my nose in here for a moment..

 

my parents divorced when i was 4 and my father took my brother and i to live with him and moved us 4000km away a few months later ~ my mother didn't fight it because she figured he could give us "a better life" since he was military and she was a waitress.

 

please don't assume that just because the father has custody that there is something 'wrong' with the mother. :)

 

I didn't mean to offend you (or anyone else), and yes, I'm sure that there are individual circumstances out there where a mother makes that choice for the well-being of the kids or has a good reason or whatever, I'm not judgmental and/or naive enough to assume it's ALWAYS otherwise-

 

-but AS a mother, I cannot imagine ever living without MY children and so I would not be able to help but wonder about a woman who lives in a different state from her own children (and in this case particularly in conjunction with the rest of the story)!

[FaithManor]

The bottom line is he is abusing the friendship to the point that he is actually NOT A FRIEND ANYMORE and that means to your dh too. True friends respect each other's boundaries. The fact that he came to a children's birthday party and didn't have the decency to keep his hands off a woman who is a total stranger to your family...the fact that he brought her without asking permission though this is NOT his home...the fact that he has involved your children with someone that you haven't had the time to check out or get to know yourself so you could choose whether or not your children should be spending time with them...means you need to put your foot down with hubby and say, "This is my house and this affects our family. He needs to go."

 

Anything you do to "help" him ends now. He can take his laundry to the laundromat, he needs to provide all of his own meals, etc. He apparently has funds to entertain a woman but he doesn't contribute to your household....he sounds like a simpering 18 year old boy and not a grown man with responsibilities.

 

Enabling him will not help him become a better person or be an effective single parent to his children. You can't force him to change but you don't have to assist him in being immature. He can be approached with a good attitude and a heart of wanting what is best, but grace and mercy does not exist just so he can abuse goodwill.

 

I hope that the situation resolves quickly and is satisfactory for you.

 

Faith, a devout Christian who has been around the block long enough to have figured out that enabling bad behavior and labeling them under the umbrella of "grace and mercy" rarely produces good results.

[Greta]

You can't force him to change but you don't have to assist him in being immature. He can be approached with a good attitude and a heart of wanting what is best, but grace and mercy does not exist just so he can abuse goodwill.

 

You said this sooooo much better than I did. Thanks.

[AuntPol]

You guys have given me so much to chew on. I've never really looked at it as him taking advantage of us. My husband doesn't pick up after himself or help out around the house much either so I guess i'm used to it. This guy doesn't make nearly the mess that my DH and kids do as all his stuff is in the attic with him. I have questioned his character several times but I try not to focus on it because I to be way over-analytical. I could probably find a mental illness in most people I know, especially when I am frustrated with them. I'm going to think about this awhile and pray for my boundaries to be healthy.

 

I've given him my rules about bringing her around. I have only seen him 5 minutes since then. He stood me up for our workout appointment this morning but I did forget to send him a reminder. Last time I talked to him, he was going to stay there until Thursday and then spend Thursday here (to keep her on her toes) and then go out of town to his friend's house over the weekend. Now that I have been direct, he can not misinterpret or assume what I am thinking so I'm going to give him a chance. If he go against my wishes then I will have to ask him to leave.

 

I've been talking to my DH about a final end date. He's reluctant to discuss the issue much less set a final date. He wants it to just work itself out naturally so he doesn't have to be a bad guy. We've had this discussion several times already but my DH will not do anything about it. and this is not a divorce threatening scenario (yet lol) which is only way I can get my stubborn (and ultra-procrastinating/non-confrontational) but otherwise utterly adorable husband to do something he does not want to do. I know it's my house too but I don't to replace a problem with a roommate with a problem with a different problem with roommate AND a problem with DH.