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My husband's best friend lives with us. (He is my daughter's godfather and my kids call him "uncle"-he closer to them than their biological uncles) He has lived with for a year and half. His wife and kids live in another state but were planning to move down next summer when his stepson graduated high school. Now, I have known that this marriage was in trouble for years (no sex in 4 years, she never called him, and only came down here twice in this time though she only works 2 days a week).

 

In September, he went up and they had a big fight. She has refused to talk to him since then except via text about bills, etc. About two weeks later, he started dating some woman he met on Craig's List. He spent the night on the second date and has spent most nights there since. One night, he picked my son up from practice and was going to take him out to dinner and the local mall since the rest of us were busy. Instead, he took my son to dinner and the mall in the next city over where she lives and took her along (he swore it was just as a friend). I told DH to tell him that I didn't like that, etc. but I don't think it went to far. I did tell our friend that I don't approve of the relationship when he's not divorced or even legally separated and think he's moving too fast. I also told him that we have not told our kids that he is separating yet and don't want them confused. Dh and I did the more passive thing of finding alternate ways to deal with kid shuffling without him and turning down all offers to take the kids out so we can have a date.

 

So over Halloween weekend, he went back to his home state and supposedly he and his wife agreed to separate and just waiting on meeting with a mediator to agree to terms. He wants to do some 12 month separation thing so that he pays for the house as part of the child support but gets to keep it when child moves out but I disgress.

 

After the separation looked like it was officially happening, I told my kids. This past weekend, he brought this new lady to my son's birthday party! He had his hands all over her (which I think is inappropriate at a party regardless) and he signed the gift card from the both of them. Now, I had not told him that I told the kids about the separation yet and he didn't ask if it was alright to bring her.

 

I also found out that he brought this lady to our house to introduce us. Now, I do not like people coming over without warning so I can clean. He knows that. Our kitchen is being remodeled and I've been sick so the house is in more disarray than normal. We were not home but he brought her in the house anyway.

 

I told him yesterday that I do not want this woman in my life or my kids lives right now. I just don't think it is healthy and told him I don't appreciate having to explain to my kids how someone is married one weekend and has a new girlfriend the next. I told him I have strong religious morals about adultry and that he's stil legally married in my book (he swears he is not really via NY state law and he's an atheist so doesn't care about my religious views).

 

He just can't seem to grasp that we are not interested in getting to know this lady. I know he's excited to be having "relations" and is smitten with actually having someone be interested in him after years of being ignored. However, I want to protect my kids. I don't want them getting wrong ideas about fidelity and marriage and I also don't want them to get emotionally attached to someone who may be gone in a month or two. I also don't want them to think dating means having your hands all over each other.

 

He thinks I am crazy and over-reacting. What says the hive? At what point do you think it would be appropriate for him to introduce his girlfriend to my kids?

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If he has lived w/ you for a year and 1/2, and his wife has only come down twice, then I would think your kids would know that something was wrong w/ his marriage. But all that is beside the point. You have asked him not to bring this woman around, and yet he does. He is living in your home, but not respecting your wishes, rules, beliefs. I would tell him to move out. Now. Your children and values are more important than a friendship. :grouphug:

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You are not overreacting! I don't know when it would have been appropriate for your children to meet his girlfriend, but it sounds like they already did. Now is the appropriate time to talk to your husband about helping his best friend find somewhere else to live!

 

I bet your husband's friend feels guilty for cheating on his wife, and you reminded him that he's doing something he shouldn't be doing. I'm sorry that he's having marriage problems, but he's still married. I wouldn't just be worried about the influence this behavior has on my children--I'd be concerned about the influence it has on my husband! His married friend is acting like a single guy.

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Will it help your case to have the opinion of someone who is NOT religious?

 

My first issue is that he's living with you. Although he doesn't share your religious views he is in YOUR house and he needs to respect your views. Not introducing your children to the new woman in his life at the moment is part of that. Respecting your views on cleanliness and warning about house guests is also part of it.

 

My 2nd issue is that it IS too soon to introduce your children to this woman. I understand that he's excited to have someone new in his life who is interested in him, but that doesn't mean you want her paraded in front of your kids. It is difficult for them to understand, and I believe it is a moral issue, though not necessarily a religious one. I share your views. I don't know when the right time would be; I don't think you can put an arbitrary time period on it like "6 months." Once things are serious and you feel he is at the point of making a serious commitment to this person I think it would be fine to introduce them.

 

I've faced a similar problem with a mom who just left our co-op. She got divorced less than a year ago. In September she brought her ex-husband to my kids' b-day party and was all cuddly with him. Fine. Whatever. He's the father of her kids. About 6 weeks or so ago she had a "friend" stop by while she hosted co-op and gave him a big hug and kiss in front of all the kids. The next time she hosted (I wasn't there) she had her new, 10 years younger, boyfriend there. He was just leaving the house with his overnight bag and I think she basically had him stay so she could oooh and aaaah about him with the other moms. The following week we did a community service project. Without asking the rest of us how we felt about it, she brought her boy toy with her!!!!! Fortunately that was her last co-op because otherwise I would have had to say something. What she exposes her own kids to is none of my business, but parading a bunch of men in front of my kids IS my business. And yes, they did ask questions that I was stuck answering.

 

What I'm saying is this can be a moral issue regardless of religion. It's a big-time moral issue for me. He needs to respect that.

Edited by jujsky
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Yes Julie -I see it as a moral issue. He says it is not a moral issue but a legal issue because they are only married on paper. I keep asking him if he's told his wife and child/step children that he has a new girlfriend. I also laugh at him when he tells me that his new girl is 100% behind his separation. He thought it was unbelievable that I had put a clause in my own separation papers that our kids were not to be exposed to "others" until at least 6 months after a divorce and approval of our counselor. (DH and I ended up going to counseling and the separation never happened). Yes, I do worry slightly that my husband may feel a tinge of jealousy or whatever from being around someone who is giddy from the "newness" of being in a relationship.

 

I can't kick him out. He's DH's best friend and DH has to be the one to do it and I don't think DH will. He's passive in that way. However, our friend rarely is at house anymore since he sleeps over at the other woman's house most days. He has been waiting on a court case settlement to get a new place (this has been the case for last 1.5 years but he finally has a court date next month). He is supposedly is going to be moving out around February. At that point, my DH has been forewarned that if he even asks me if someone can live with us, he can go ahead and pack his own bags. (This friend lived with a year about a decade ago and another friend lived with us for several years on and off).

 

I'm trying to be a support mechanism. I am the only Christian in his life (my DH is not a Christian) and probably the only person who is going to tell him that he is doing wrong. Most of his guy friends either didn't like/didn't know his wife, are single and want a party buddy, or like my DH and take the "none of my business" approach. I know he's tried but then I also don't know her side of the story so I refuse to judge the wife. Personally, I would never want to date him LOL but I have lived with him long enough for him to grate my nerves. He's very passive aggressive and perhaps even a bit narcissitic (always "I" -never we, never his fault, etc).

 

I am not single. I don't need exposure to "girlfriend de jour" which I think is the case. I just see this as a rebound relationship and think if the other woman has any sense, she won't stay around long. I have some red flags in that this woman has children of her own but they live with their father in another state. Even when I was young, single and wild, I didn't want to be involved with my friends' relationships unless it was serious. One month is not serious enough for me.

 

I hoping now that I have directly said "I do NOT want her in our lives at this moment" that he will respect my wishes. Before, I was indirect about it and left the being direct up to my DH who apparantly didn't step up to the plate.

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I think you are having more trouble with him finding a woman than his wife is. If my husband went to live with a married couple I would question if they were swingers. It sounds like alot of drama your kids don't need. How does it look to people in the first place having a married man live with you for a year and a half? You have already condoned seperation in marriage so I can't see the big deal in explaining that he has moved on. This guy obviously isn't a family man and now he has found the same in another woman. I would see it as a blessing and get this man out of your relationship.

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I really don't see what the big deal is, he's not having sex with her in your home is he? I would have just frankly told him to go get a room somewhere if he was fondling his date in front of my kids but that's just me.

His marriage is his business, IMO- and so is his dating/sex life. It must be weird to be welcome to live with people but then be told your date is not welcome- most people do bring their dates home at some point, but his 'home' right now is not HIS home. What an odd/blurry situation. At this point your kids have already been exposed to the fact of his separation from his wife and that this man is dating another woman. At this point, what exactly is it that you are trying to shield them from?

You could just tell him you don't want to become involved in ANY way with his marital politics, LOL.

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He can do whatever he wants, provided he doesn't bring it into my home. I wouldn't want my kid having dinner with someone I didn't know and had never even met (and, I'm okay with admitting, someone the guy found on craigslist just days/weeks prior). I would certainly have told him so, as it sounds like you did, and considering he's lived with you for the last year and half, I may have questioned his sanity (assuming he knows you quite well).

 

I agree with another pp - it's time he found his own house.

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Sounds like it's way past time for him to get his own place.

Oh, yes. It is time for him to get his own place.

 

Let me ask you this. Is he paying rent? Is he agreeing to pay for his house thinking that he will continue to live with your family for the next 20-30 years?

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I think you are having more trouble with him finding a woman than his wife is. If my husband went to live with a married couple I would question if they were swingers. It sounds like alot of drama your kids don't need. How does it look to people in the first place having a married man live with you for a year and a half? You have already condoned seperation in marriage so I can't see the big deal in explaining that he has moved on. This guy obviously isn't a family man and now he has found the same in another woman. I would see it as a blessing and get this man out of your relationship.

 

 

WOW! I can't believe I'm reading this. No, we are not swingers. I seriously doubt that anyone who knows us ever thought that. At least, I would hope they thought highly enough of me to have a higher standard in a second "husband" lol. He has lived with us before, as have other friends of my husband, family members, etc. He moved in with us in April 2009. He was out of work and my husband gave him a job. It was supposed to be for a few months until his court case was settled and then his family would be moving down. His living here has been a source of contention between my husband and me as it is always "just a few more months." My husband has wanted him gone but doesn't want to lose him as an employee or friend (they've been friends since 4th grade)

 

I do not "condone" his separation. I do understand it from his point of view. He seemed to have tried and seems to be trying to do what is best for the kids. Personally, I would like to hear his wife's point of view but she has cut all ties with mutual friends. I am very pro-marriage and have repeatedly told him a) to try counseling b) try to work it out with his wife c) not to date while separated and d) that this current relationship is going way too fast even under "normal" circumstances. I have repeatedly told him how sad I am that the marriage didn't work out. Divorce always bothers me but adultery REALLY bothers me. It's a real emotional trigger for me and I want no part of it. I think this one is especially hard as his wife caught my bouqet and he caught the garter and they got engaged at our wedding and married later that year. She and I have same name and have always gotten along rather well though I wouldn't call us close friends.

 

By the way, I'm certainly not jealous of the new woman if that is what you hinting at. Yes, I am taking it worse than his wife because she doesn't know about the relationship. He has not told her and has no plans to tell her. I don't know how she would take it because I don't know her view of the relationship/separation. I know I would blow a gasket if it were my own husband.

 

 

His marriage is his business, IMO- and so is his dating/sex life.

 

It's his business and as long as he keeps it to himself. Bringing her to my house and trying to involve my kids is not keeping it to himself.

 

people do bring their dates home at some point, but his 'home' right now is not HIS home
Yes, it is not his home. He does not pay rent. He does not do any of the household chores except occasional dishwashing that he did in the first few months. He owns a house of his own (that his wife lives in). He has far extended the original agreement of moving in. If he wants to bring her to his "home" then he can drive her to the one he owns or get a new place.

 

At this point your kids have already been exposed to the fact of his separation from his wife and that this man is dating another woman.

 

My kids didn't notice the handsy stuff at the party because they were busy playing and I not so subtly got in between the couple. The couple didn't stay long because it was extremely cold. My daughter noticed the card signature and was wondering what was going on. She is aware enough to put 2 and 2 together and we discussed that I feel it is inappropriate but his freee will. My son is not that observant and his Aspergers helps shield him.

 

I still do not want her around because that would be condoning adultery in my opinion. I don't want it to be normalized to my children. Yes, they have been exposed already but I think it is still worse to subject to them to continued exposure of adultery of a man who is supposed to be a role model in their life. Even if I condoned this current relationship, I also don't want them to develop attachments to someone who may likely be completely out of their life and replaced with several more girlfriends over the course of the next few years. I just don't foresee this relationship as going very far. Can you say rebound? I don't want them exposed to people who can't keep their hands off each other (this is more than a quick peck, a casual caress, and hand holding) because I don't want them to view dating as a mechanism for making out. I also don't want my children to be used as tools to say "Hey, look how good I am with kids!" which seems to be the case since he has had sudden interest in taking the kids out/helping me with carpooling, etc.

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From a Christian point of view... I am a believer in telling the kids everything (they see it anyway). If they were my kids, I would tell them what Uncle is doing and explain how very wrong that is, what God says about it, and how He tells us things to help us. Everyone makes mistakes, but when we don't listen, we can end up in a lot of pain and heartache. I would then explain what should have been done. Over the years, my kids have learned so much this way. When they are able to look at the situations of others and examine their actions, it really does help them when they come to situations in their own lives.

I would explain also that we are praying about whether it is appropriate for him to live with us any longer (since I would be really thinking that it's time to end that).

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I don't want them exposed to people who can't keep their hands off each other (this is more than a quick peck, a casual caress, and hand holding) because I don't want them to view dating as a mechanism for making out. I also don't want my children to be used as tools to say "Hey, look how good I am with kids!" which seems to be the case since he has had sudden interest in taking the kids out/helping me with carpooling, etc.

OMG, that is kinda sick. I wouldn't be able to help thinking 'yeh, look how good he is with his OWN kids' if I were the woman in question. Yikes. I wouldn't want ANY couple being ridiculously amorous in front of my children as it's just not an appropriate place or time.

His lack of contribution to your household really does speak volumes, especially combined with him doing things with your children against your wishes. I think I'd just have a sit down with him and explain exactly how I felt about the situation and exactly how things were going to be if he expects to continue living there.

 

I have had house guests before (usually single guys DH brings home after deployment- the singles either have to live in the barracks or find a new apartment after being deployed and we end up with a hitchhiker or two for at least a few weeks while they find a new place because no one wants to live in the barracks) that made me uncomfortable but they never stayed for such a long period of time. It definitely sounds like it's time for him to move out.

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Oh, yes. It is time for him to get his own place.

 

Let me ask you this. Is he paying rent? Is he agreeing to pay for his house thinking that he will continue to live with your family for the next 20-30 years?

 

No rent (or utilities which have risen because he is living in our attic which normally we'd shut off in the summer due to heat and he takes LONG showers). He occasionally buys toilet paper or something I need at time he goes to store and he takes us out to eat every few months.

 

I'm not sure his plans. He told me that he hopes to be out of our hair by February. He plans to get a condo then. He's expecting a huge settlement from a court case and I think he wants to just pay off his house with it. The house is in his name only and he says if he lets her live in as part of child support then he can kick her out when their daughter moves out. I personally have no idea of the legalities of that because I really can't seem to put together what he says with what I can research on the internet about NY divorce law. I just advised him to run things by his lawyer first and not go on hearsay.

 

I have no idea what his plans are if the settlement doesn't pan out the way he expects. I know his girlfriend as already asked him to move in with her and he told her no.

 

I also don't think my graciousness will hold out much longer. I don't mind helping people out in need but really feel that we're being taken advantage of (and have felt so for last 6 months) I need to talk to my husband about a final end date no matter what becomes of the settlement. When is enough a enough to my husband? He rants and wants to fire him every other week but then won't ask him to move out. I assume I am going to have to the bad guy when it comes down to it. He will definitely need to move out by time his divorce is finalized as excuses should be removed since his wife is not moving down here.

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your boarder/friend sounds as if he is in a time of major transition. that is bound to affect the people he is living with, including your children. i think it is time for him to move.

 

unfortunately, it sounds as if it is past time for you and your dh to sit down and listen to one another very closely. if you need him to leave, your dh needs to be very clear about that. if he wants him to stay, then you and your dh need to set some boundaries you can both live with, including (i would suggest) an end date.

 

this is tough.... good luck.

ann

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Ok so it's ok in front of your kids for you to live with two men? You think his wife is ok with the fact he's been living with a woman the past year and a half? Why would the children care about this so called "adultery" when they barely know his wife? The only marriage dynamic they are seeing is mommy living with two men for a year and a half. Now that this guy is getting a life it's a bad thing? If you want to lament over technical legal terminology with a good lawyer she could have easily have taken this situation of living with you for a year and a half to court and been divorced already. If I was her I would get a private investigator and clean his clock. Tip her off because she deserves to know. Maybe she doesn't have the money to get a good lawyer? Basically him leaving without filing is called abandonment. There is also legal terminology for people supporting him leaving his family.

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If he has lived w/ you for a year and 1/2, and his wife has only come down twice, then I would think your kids would know that something was wrong w/ his marriage. But all that is beside the point. You have asked him not to bring this woman around, and yet he does. He is living in your home, but not respecting your wishes, rules, beliefs. I would tell him to move out. Now. Your children and values are more important than a friendship. :grouphug:

:iagree:Your house, your rules, period. He doesn't have to like them, agree with them, but he MUST abide by them, or find a new place to live.

 

We had Wolf's nephew live with us for six months at one point. I was a licenced dayhome provider, and there was no locking door btwn his room and the rest of the house. I told him that I didn't want to be waking up with strangers in my home. Buddies come over, fine...but no overnight company. I don't know who would have kicked his can btwn his ears first, Wolf or I if he'd been carrying on at one of our children's birthday, but it would have happened.

 

Wolf told him to go when nephew, instead of working his butt off to save for his own place and furniture (the original agreement) was working the bare min to pay his nights out and quit paying us. 'Nuff was 'nuff.

 

And the complete invasion of privacy! Oh. My. Word. I've sworn that I'd never, ever do that again...but know I would if need be to help someone out. :tongue_smilie:

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Ok so it's ok in front of your kids for you to live with two men? You think his wife is ok with the fact he's been living with a woman the past year and a half? Why would the children care about this so called "adultery" when they barely know his wife? The only marriage dynamic they are seeing is mommy living with two men for a year and a half. Now that this guy is getting a life it's a bad thing? If you want to lament over technical legal terminology with a good lawyer she could have easily have taken this situation of living with you for a year and a half to court and been divorced already. If I was her I would get a private investigator and clean his clock. Tip her off because she deserves to know. Maybe she doesn't have the money to get a good lawyer? Basically him leaving without filing is called abandonment. There is also legal terminology for people supporting him leaving his family.

Uh...what I'm reading in the OP that this is her dh's adopted brother, in terms of emotional bond. I don't see it as her carrying on with 2 men at all. Speaking from previous experience w/Wolf's nephew, there was NO marriage dynamic w/me and the nephew. Gives me chills just thinking about it. There is a HUGE difference that even children understand btwn someone 'staying' and 'marriage'.

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Ok so it's ok in front of your kids for you to live with two men? You think his wife is ok with the fact he's been living with a woman the past year and a half? Why would the children care about this so called "adultery" when they barely know his wife? The only marriage dynamic they are seeing is mommy living with two men for a year and a half. Now that this guy is getting a life it's a bad thing? If you want to lament over technical legal terminology with a good lawyer she could have easily have taken this situation of living with you for a year and a half to court and been divorced already. If I was her I would get a private investigator and clean his clock. Tip her off because she deserves to know. Maybe she doesn't have the money to get a good lawyer? Basically him leaving without filing is called abandonment. There is also legal terminology for people supporting him leaving his family.

 

I think it's sort of sick that you would jump to this conclusion. She was being a nice person by letting her DH's best friend stay with them. It sounds like this man is like a brother to him. My brother lived with us for awhile. Does that mean I was sending my children mixed messages because I was living with 2 men? My mom had my former best friend live with her for awhile. Does that mean she's sending the world the message that she is a lesbian? You're taking an awfully big leap here.

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I think it's sort of sick that you would jump to this conclusion. She was being a nice person by letting her DH's best friend stay with them. It sounds like this man is like a brother to him. My brother lived with us for awhile. Does that mean I was sending my children mixed messages because I was living with 2 men? My mom had my former best friend live with her for awhile. Does that mean she's sending the world the message that she is a lesbian? You're taking an awfully big leap here.

I think you are stretching your example. I don't get a communal setting like this for this amount of time. When there is this much negativity surrounding this guy you have to make a choice that family comes first. Grown men should be taking care of themselves not burdoning families with a legal family crisis. Family comes first.

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Ok so it's ok in front of your kids for you to live with two men? You think his wife is ok with the fact he's been living with a woman the past year and a half? Why would the children care about this so called "adultery" when they barely know his wife? The only marriage dynamic they are seeing is mommy living with two men for a year and a half. Now that this guy is getting a life it's a bad thing? If you want to lament over technical legal terminology with a good lawyer she could have easily have taken this situation of living with you for a year and a half to court and been divorced already. If I was her I would get a private investigator and clean his clock. Tip her off because she deserves to know. Maybe she doesn't have the money to get a good lawyer? Basically him leaving without filing is called abandonment. There is also legal terminology for people supporting him leaving his family.

 

 

I don't understand why you keep insisting on insinuating that I am some kind of hussy for letting my husband's friend live in my attic. He's not sleeping in my bed. I don't even hug him. Is it really that alien to you that people help out people?

 

He moved down here with his wife's full acknowledgement and blessing. She was supposed to be coming down a few months later herself. Living with us was a way to save money because he couldn't pay a house payment and rent at same time. It just kept getting pushed back a few months, then a few more months, etc. Everytime, we were ready to kick him out, it was just going to be a few more months.

 

My kids are fully acquainted with his wife. She is my daughter's godmother. If he's been an "uncle" for past 11 years, why do you think his wife is non-existant to them. We've spent the night there several times over the last decade when we visited NY, including even after he moved in with us. When they have come down, we always go out together. His daughter and my daughter are friends and talk to each other on the phone a lot.

Edited by AuntPol
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I do not "condone" his separation.

 

Oh, gosh, what a sticky situation. I feel for you. Most especially in not having your husband's support. I think for me that would be the hardest to take. My hubby has his faults, but he *always* puts me and my daughter first in his life, and would never allow a friend to disrupt our family life like that. I am so sorry.

 

But I also feel that I should be honest with you, that I had the exact same thought about you condoning the separation when I first read your post.*** Allowing him to live with you rent-free for a year and a half, away from his family, seems to be not only condoning it, but enabling and supporting it. I don't know all the details, obviously, but that was the first thing that came into my mind, followed shortly by wondering how that has affected your kids, and his. You explained it further here, though:

 

He moved down here with his wife's full acknowledgement and blessing. She was supposed to be coming down a few months later herself. Living with us was a way to save money because he couldn't pay a house payment and rent at same time. It just kept getting pushed back a few months, then a few more months, etc. Everytime, we were ready to kick him out, it was just going to be a few more months.

 

It started out perfectly reasonable. It ended up somewhere else entirely. Somewhere along the road a line should have been drawn. But you can't go back and do that now. All you can do is tell him it's time that he leaves. Not in February. Not after some settlement. Right now. It is HIS responsibility to take care of his family and provide for his own home and food, not yours or your husband's. He is being nothing but a mooch now, contributing nothing, and not even respecting your basic wishes for your home. Kicking him to the curb is quite possibly the best thing you can do for him, and most certainly is necessary for your family.

 

:grouphug: There's two cents from a person you've never met. Take it for what little it is worth. I am sorry, and I wish you the best.

 

 

***ETA: I mean the same thought about condoning the separation, not that you were a swinger or that there was something inappropriate going on. But I will tell you, I had a friend once whose family and friends were very concerned that she and her husband were allowing this free-loading woman to live with them without working or paying rent or lifting a finger to help out. She told me why: this woman was a "second wife" for her husband. It does happen. I'm sure your friends know you well enough to know better, but be aware that people may wonder.

Edited by GretaLynne
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I think you are stretching your example. I don't get a communal setting like this for this amount of time. When there is this much negativity surrounding this guy you have to make a choice that family comes first. Grown men should be taking care of themselves not burdoning families with a legal family crisis. Family comes first.

 

Up until the past couple weeks, there has been no real negativity except that he got on my nerves with his narcissistic and passive-aggressive ways at times, especially early on. He would eat dinner with us but otherwise mostly was upstairs in his room or went out. Then for past 6 months, he has done his own thing for dinner. I have never felt he negatively impacted the children until he met this girl (less than a month ago). I have only seen him once since the party (party was 3 days ago) and that is when I told him directly that I and my kids are not to be involved. He didn't like it but I assume he will abide my wishes here on out. If not, then we will have to kick him out. I am trying to sort out what I think is best for my kids both short term and long term, how to approach this with my husband (who is rather non-confrontational to say the least and currently avoiding the issue), how to deal with any future issues, wondering what people consider adultery, how to help a friend who is going to need support even if I don't approve of his current way of self-healing, give Christian guidance/opinion without alienating and without affecting my husband's friendship/work relationship with him.

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Hm. It would irritate me to have somebody living in my house for that long and not even helping out or paying rent. By now, I'd definitely have had enough, and I'd be telling him he needs to get his own place, and I'd give him a very specific date by which he had to do that, and I'd stick to it. Maybe he'll just go move in with that new woman- which will make life easier for you :D

 

As for your kids- I think they probably already knew to some extent that the marriage hadn't been doing so well if the wife has visited only twice in a year and a half, and if they've already heard about and/or met the new woman. And of course, you said that you DID tell them about the separation by now. So at this point, you just have to explain to them that this is the situation, and it's not something you agree with because of X, Y and Z, but it's the way it is because so and so is an adult and needs to make his own decisions, and then just let it go. I mean, what else is there to "protect" them from, really? They can't go through life thinking everybody does things the same way you do or believes all the same things you do- but they can know what YOUR opinions/beliefs/morals are, because you tell them, and because YOU demonstrate them, even if not everybody else in the world does.

 

(I do agree with you, though, that the birthday party behavior was absolutely not appropriate or acceptable and that you don't need him making out with or fondling someone in front of your kids, even if it was his own wife! That's just not cool, and at a kid's party no less!)

 

But with that said, where I think you are being rude/unreasonable is to tell him "I do not want this woman in my life" and refusing to even meet her, chat with her, be friendly to her or whatever. I can't imagine reacting like that. You're talking about a grown man, and one who is important enough to you that you've made him your children's godparents and allowed him to live in your home for well over a year. And this grown man, who is so important to you, has chosen someone to be in a relationship with, and has wanted to introduce her to you... and your response is "I do not want this woman in my life"/"I am not interested in getting to know this woman?"

 

Yes, that absolutely seems unreasonable/rude/stand-offish/judgmental etc to me.

 

You may have different religious or moral views on marriage and feel he shouldn't be seeing anyone else at all right now, but it sounds to me he was stuck in a crappy marriage and it was time to move on (and that emotionally/physically, they both moved on a long time ago anyway. Now it's just becoming more official). He made that choice (or THEY did, rather) and you need to respect that choice. So if he's met someone that he wants you to meet... why NOT meet her and give her a chance? I'd be so offended if I were that woman, and wouldn't really think very highly of you, if I were her and he said to me "yeah, uh, my best friend's wife is not interested in getting to know you/having you in her life/meeting you."

 

Of course, all that doesn't mean you have to let him hang all over this girl in front of your kids (and I would warn him that that would not be acceptable to me) or that you have to let him bring this woman to sleep at YOUR house up until the time he moves out or something. You don't even have to introduce her to your kids as a "girlfriend."

 

But I would not be so black and white about this as you are being, by any means. Just my two cents.

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Hm. It would irritate me to have somebody living in my house for that long and not even helping out or paying rent. By now, I'd definitely have had enough, and I'd be telling him he needs to get his own place, and I'd give him a very specific date by which he had to do that, and I'd stick to it. Maybe he'll just go move in with that new woman- which will make life easier for you :D

 

As for your kids- I think they probably already knew to some extent that the marriage hadn't been doing so well if the wife has visited only twice in a year and a half, and if they've already heard about and/or met the new woman. And of course, you said that you DID tell them about the separation by now. So at this point, you just have to explain to them that this is the situation, and it's not something you agree with because of X, Y and Z, but it's the way it is because so and so is an adult and needs to make his own decisions, and then just let it go. I mean, what else is there to "protect" them from, really? They can't go through life thinking everybody does things the same way you do or believes all the same things you do- but they can know what YOUR opinions/beliefs/morals are, because you tell them, and because YOU demonstrate them, even if not everybody else in the world does.

 

(I do agree with you, though, that the birthday party behavior was absolutely not appropriate or acceptable and that you don't need him making out with or fondling someone in front of your kids, even if it was his own wife! That's just not cool, and at a kid's party no less!)

 

But with that said, where I think you are being rude/unreasonable is to tell him "I do not want this woman in my life" and refusing to even meet her, chat with her, be friendly to her or whatever. I can't imagine reacting like that. You're talking about a grown man, and one who is important enough to you that you've made him your children's godparents and allowed him to live in your home for well over a year. And this grown man, who is so important to you, has chosen someone to be in a relationship with, and has wanted to introduce her to you... and your response is "I do not want this woman in my life"/"I am not interested in getting to know this woman?"

 

Yes, that absolutely seems unreasonable/rude/stand-offish/judgmental etc to me.

 

You may have different religious or moral views on marriage and feel he shouldn't be seeing anyone else at all right now, but it sounds to me he was stuck in a crappy marriage and it was time to move on (and that emotionally/physically, they both moved on a long time ago anyway. Now it's just becoming more official). He made that choice (or THEY did, rather) and you need to respect that choice. So if he's met someone that he wants you to meet... why NOT meet her and give her a chance? I'd be so offended if I were that woman, and wouldn't really think very highly of you, if I were her and he said to me "yeah, uh, my best friend's wife is not interested in getting to know you/having you in her life/meeting you."

 

Of course, all that doesn't mean you have to let him hang all over this girl in front of your kids (and I would warn him that that would not be acceptable to me) or that you have to let him bring this woman to sleep at YOUR house up until the time he moves out or something. You don't even have to introduce her to your kids as a "girlfriend."

 

But I would not be so black and white about this as you are being, by any means. Just my two cents.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: VERY wise!!!

One thing that I think ought to be mentioned: your dh needs a backbone. Seriously. You guys have been very generous, but your dh needs to man up and make a home for his own family. Honestly, I'd circle an agreed upon date on the calendar, say 2 mts from now. If this house guest is not gone by then, I'd pack his things and change the locks. End of story. If dh doesn't like it, oh well. His priority should be his own family. :grouphug: hugs to you, I know you're trying to do the right thing, and you've truly done FANTASTIC, but it's time for you and dh to focus on your own family.

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But with that said, where I think you are being rude/unreasonable is to tell him "I do not want this woman in my life" and refusing to even meet her, chat with her, be friendly to her or whatever. I can't imagine reacting like that. You're talking about a grown man, and one who is important enough to you that you've made him your children's godparents and allowed him to live in your home for well over a year. And this grown man, who is so important to you, has chosen someone to be in a relationship with, and has wanted to introduce her to you... and your response is "I do not want this woman in my life"/"I am not interested in getting to know this woman?"

 

Yes, that absolutely seems unreasonable/rude/stand-offish/judgmental etc to me.

 

You may have different religious or moral views on marriage and feel he shouldn't be seeing anyone else at all right now, but it sounds to me he was stuck in a crappy marriage and it was time to move on (and that emotionally/physically, they both moved on a long time ago anyway. Now it's just becoming more official). He made that choice (or THEY did, rather) and you need to respect that choice. So if he's met someone that he wants you to meet... why NOT meet her and give her a chance?

 

 

I understand your point of view but I can't condone adultery. As long as he's married, he's committing adultery in my eyes. He has grounds to divorce his wife much quicker but is choosing not to do so because he wants to keep all of the house instead of dividing it as an asset. He started sleeping around with this woman before he and his wife officially decided to separate. They are not legally separated even now. I just can not condone adultery and by inviting her into my life, I feel I would be condoning that.

 

I also don't have expectations for this relationship to last. They had their first date on OCtober 17th. They had their 2nd date on the 23rd and he slept over. He introduced her to my son on the 27th, talked to his wife about separating on the 31st and then brought her to the party on the 6th. Maybe, I am cruel but I am not interested in being involved with or having my kids being involved with some lady he met on Craig's List 3 weeks ago. They have been together 3 weeks and it's in the midst of a rebound. He allegedly hasn't been laid for 4 years and now suddenly he's getting laid and it's coloring his thinking. Even if I didn't have moral issues against the relationship, why would I want to get involved in what is likely a fly by night relationship?

 

I'd be so offended if I were that woman, and wouldn't really think very highly of you, if I were her and he said to me "yeah, uh, my best friend's wife is not interested in getting to know you/having you in her life/meeting you."

 

I am not too concerned if she is offended. This is a divorced woman who doesn't have custody of her kids and lives in a different state than her kids. She met a guy on Craig's List that was ranting about his wife and women in general. She slept with him on the second date even though he was still married, not separated at the time. etc. She is wanting him to move in though they've known each other only three weeks. She made out with him at a child's birthday party. Apparantly, the two of us are already at odds in our worldview ;)

 

I have met her (at the party). I was friendly and not rude though I tried to give a hint that I didn't appreciate the hands-on display without being direct. I would have gotten to being direct but was trying to avoid making a scene. Fortunately, they left before I said something. However, I chatted and tried really hard to be polite even though I was seething.

 

I also told him that "right now" is not the best time for her to be a part of our lives . I didn't say she could never be a part of us. I explained to him that it goes against my personal and religous morals but also that we need time to adjust to the fact that his marriage is over. I can't just snap my fingers and say his wife means nothing to me now. We may not have been extremely close but we are friends with a shared history. I also can't just become instant best friends with someone he's known 3 weeks. I didn't even introduce my husband to my friends and family until we had been together 2-3 months and there had not been anyone significant in my life for 9 months (and he had not been significant enough to introduce to them lol)

 

Maybe it would be different if he separated first, waited a bit before dating, dated her awhile then asked us if we could double date or meet her, then after I got to know her, I could decide how and when to introduce my kids to her, etc. But he chose to take my kid to meet her without my permission, without telling me he was doing so, and without me ever having met her. Then he showed up with her at our party without asking if it were okay or showing any concern whatsovever about my kids welfare.

 

 

To show up at my house which is in the midst of remodeling without warning is not cool -I yelled at him a year ago when he showed up with a guy friend. You don't bring another woman to someone's house for the first time without warning!!!

 

 

I mean, what else is there to "protect" them from, really?

 

Normalization of adultery and sleeping together before marriage. They are 10 and 11. It's one thing to know that your uncle did something "not good", being told what happened, that mommy disapproves and why. It's completely another story to say, Hey I don't approve of this but since you've been slightly exposed, why not just have her over every day so you think adultery and sleeping around are perfectly normal things and that it's okay to dishonor God if means "having a life." Heck, might as well have an orgy while we're at it. Then what happens when in a few weeks, this relationship is over and he's moved on to another, then another, etc.

 

To me saying this is like saying "well we saw the man next door beating his wife. I don't agree with wife beating but I am going to go out and have a few beers with him anyway. My kids have already seen her getting beat once so what does it matter if they see her get beat again and again.

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No rent paid, and no help around the house. Honestly, for me, this is the heart of it, the rest is all irrelevant.

 

Would it help if you allowed your dh to save face by allowing yourself to be the "bad guy"? Could your dh tell him that you had agreed to this for a short period of time, but now that it seems to be going on much longer than originally planned, you are pressuring him (dh) to ask the guy to leave? That he'd like you all to remain friends, etc., but that he feels the best way to do that is for the guy to find space of his own? You know, something like "Well, I would like you to stay, but the wife is getting a little antsy, you know how that goes, so how about we work on getting you an inexpensive place until your court thing plays out?" Etc.

 

I suppose the guy's finances are tight, but that is really not your problem, and you don't need to subsidize his separation. If he was a "help around the house" guy, I might feel differently, but someone who is living in your home and not paying rent AND not helping out - well, most of us would never even consider being that rude.

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Aunt Pol, I agree with your stance on not supporting adultery. I have walked this road before, with others I care deeply about, and know how hard it is to draw those lines. Stand your ground, in the nicest way possible.

 

I also think the accusation of your being immoral for having a male house guest is bizarre. I don't think you need worry about that.

 

I am appalled on your behalf that this man has been living with you for free, without so much as doing any regular chores. It's time for him to be on his own.

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Normalization of adultery and sleeping together before marriage. They are 10 and 11. It's one thing to know that your uncle did something "not good", being told what happened, that mommy disapproves and why. It's completely another story to say, Hey I don't approve of this but since you've been slightly exposed, why not just have her over every day so you think adultery and sleeping around are perfectly normal things and that it's okay to dishonor God if means "having a life." Heck, might as well have an orgy while we're at it. Then what happens when in a few weeks, this relationship is over and he's moved on to another, then another, etc.

 

To me saying this is like saying "well we saw the man next door beating his wife. I don't agree with wife beating but I am going to go out and have a few beers with him anyway. My kids have already seen her getting beat once so what does it matter if they see her get beat again and again.

 

Well, in the real world adultery IS normal- it may not meet your moral standards but it is a normal way of life for LOTS of people.

I don't get the analogy here of orgy=meeting this guys girlfriend. I get that you don't want her in your home or around your children, I just can't see them being around her as equal to inviting the whole hood over for an adult XXX gathering in front of your children OR the wife beater bit. :confused:

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I can't kick him out. He's DH's best friend and DH has to be the one to do it and I don't think DH will. He's passive in that way. However, our friend rarely is at house anymore since he sleeps over at the other woman's house most days. He has been waiting on a court case settlement to get a new place (this has been the case for last 1.5 years but he finally has a court date next month). He is supposedly is going to be moving out around February. At that point, my DH has been forewarned that if he even asks me if someone can live with us, he can go ahead and pack his own bags. (This friend lived with a year about a decade ago and another friend lived with us for several years on and off).

 

Is it not your house too? Do you not have any say in this? I don't care who's friend he is - he is a disruption of your family and he is taking advantage. I would definitely put my foot down and demand that he be out by the end of the month. (And I am not big into putting my foot down.)

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Well, in the real world adultery IS normal- it may not meet your moral standards but it is a normal way of life for LOTS of people.

I don't get the analogy here of orgy=meeting this guys girlfriend. I get that you don't want her in your home or around your children, I just can't see them being around her as equal to inviting the whole hood over for an adult XXX gathering in front of your children OR the wife beater bit. :confused:

 

Just because something is normal for others doesn't mean it is normal for our family. In some families, it is normal to have a dessert every night but it's not the case in my family not is an aspiration I have for my family. Going to church every Sunday is normal for me and my kids but it would not be normal for non-Christians.

 

I am sorry you don't get the relation of knowing about a wrong and accepting a wrong. If you know a guy is beating his wife and he knows that you know and yet you do nothing about it, allow him to beat her in front of her children, you are no better than the beater. For me to know a guy is committing adultery, ignore it, allow it to be around my kids all the time, and tell them it's okay to sin and betray your marriage contract since it is a normal way of life for many is not too much different than condoning an orgy. Both are sexually sins/immoral. Does one being more common make it more acceptable? If he has 5 girlfriends in the next 3 months that he obviously sleeps with, is that really that different morally than having all 5 over at one night?

 

If you had a guest that was snorting cocaine and your kids walked in on it. What would you do? Would you say "Oh well, now they've seen someone do drugs so since their innocence is shattered, I guess it's okay for you to do drugs in front of them anytime you please. After all drugs are normal/a way of life for many people."

 

We may not agree on what is moral but I hope that on the areas that you have strong convictions about, you don't just turn your head.

 

Anyway, I thank everyone for their input so far especially those who disagree with me! It's easier to argue with a stranger online than a person you care about in real life so discussing this is helping me put my feelings into words. I'm an abstract thinker and sometimes have a hard time articulating what exactly bothers me.

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Just because something is normal for others doesn't mean it is normal for our family. In some families, it is normal to have a dessert every night but it's not the case in my family not is an aspiration I have for my family. Going to church every Sunday is normal for me and my kids but it would not be normal for non-Christians.

 

I am sorry you don't get the relation of knowing about a wrong and accepting a wrong. If you know a guy is beating his wife and he knows that you know and yet you do nothing about it, allow him to beat her in front of her children, you are no better than the beater. For me to know a guy is committing adultery, ignore it, allow it to be around my kids all the time, and tell them it's okay to sin and betray your marriage contract since it is a normal way of life for many is not too much different than condoning an orgy. Both are sexually sins/immoral. Does one being more common make it more acceptable? If he has 5 girlfriends in the next 3 months that he obviously sleeps with, is that really that different morally than having all 5 over at one night?

 

If you had a guest that was snorting cocaine and your kids walked in on it. What would you do? Would you say "Oh well, now they've seen someone do drugs so since their innocence is shattered, I guess it's okay for you to do drugs in front of them anytime you please. After all drugs are normal/a way of life for many people."

 

We may not agree on what is moral but I hope that on the areas that you have strong convictions about, you don't just turn your head.

 

Anyway, I thank everyone for their input so far especially those who disagree with me! It's easier to argue with a stranger online than a person you care about in real life so discussing this is helping me put my feelings into words. I'm an abstract thinker and sometimes have a hard time articulating what exactly bothers me.

 

What I am hearing is that you don't want your children to think that this is acceptable behavior, IMO that's quite a bit different than trying to prevent them from thinking something is 'normal'. IME when people cite outrageous analogies to make their point.... well it's akin to Godwin's law. It doesn't help to actually make the point they were trying to make in the first place. You seem to feel that by not rejecting this woman outright then you are giving the man your permission/approval/blessing to have sex with her and any other woman he wants to have sex with.

When I said adultery is 'normal', I didn't just mean married people having affairs. I understood the definition of adultery to mean having sex with any person one is not married to, and sex outside of marriage is 'normal' whether it is in line with your beliefs or not. What is 'normal' for the majority is what IS 'normal', whether your family is abnormal or not ;)

 

I am thinking that you feel the need to shun this woman because of your beliefs, and possibly shun the man for his 'sins'. That is your choice, I'm not saying you are 'right' or 'wrong'.

 

BTW, it is normal for non-christians to go to church every Sunday- our local UU church is open to everyone who wants to attend including pagans, atheists, agnostics, Christians, etc.

 

Sorry if this is scattered, I'm a bit distracted so I'll stop typing now.

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You teach people how to treat you. This probably fits your DH more than you in this situation. This guy is taking full advantage of you (both). Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?

 

You say he is getting a big settlement in February? And is he giving you back rent for 18 months? $200-$400/month would be fair. IMO anyways. Or even $100/month...$1800 in a lump sum would be nice.

 

He knows he can take advantage of your husband and has done so many times over, which is sad. Your husband needs to stand up to him and make some demands on his responsibility in the house...vacuuming, mopping the floor, laundry, something. Although if my husband wouldn't do it, I would. And I'm sure my DH would rather his friend hear it from him than me.

 

I believe in the rule "as long as you are under my roof, you live by my rules. If you don't want to live by them, get out".

 

As for the girlfriend - yeah, I wouldn't want to meet her. Maybe after 6 months of dating and I thought it would last. It sounds like he is already emotionally divorced from his wife - he has been apart for 18 months. That means, he has gone one who year without her basically, and it is usually recommended to start dating after one year after a divorce is final. So his divorce isn't final, but he's been separated longer. It's iffy.

 

Lay down the law and quit giving him free milk. It's not fair to you.

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I cannot fathom a grown man mooching off someone else like this for a year and a half. What a bum!! And you make a simple request of him keeping his immoral behavior away from your kids and he can't even respect that?!? If my husband had a "friend" like that, I would let him know that the kids and I were staying in a hotel until he moved this "friend" out. Tomorrow. A nice expensive hotel with room service and waterslides. It's your house too and you've been more than generous putting up with this for so long. Time for this idiot to take his show on the road.

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AuntPol, I think you have the patience of a saint. I, for one, would never accept anyone living with us except a close (very close) family member who needed help for a few weeks or so. I'm private about my life, and gosh, my home is a place I can walk in my underwear if I want to!

 

That said, this man has clearly overstepped boundaries and needs to a) respect your wishes, whatever they are. It's your house. b) help out around the house or/and pay someone to clean for you c) pay rent.

 

The bells are ringing "ultimatum" here, but obviously, it's up to you. Just for security issues with my kids, I wouldn't have a man staying with us for so long. We've only had uncles stay over for up to two nights, and that was a major shift in routine.

 

:grouphug: It must be a tough situation. Your dh sounds like my father, always ready to help out, even at his own expense sometimes.

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I understand your point of view but I can't condone adultery. As long as he's married, he's committing adultery in my eyes. He has grounds to divorce his wife much quicker but is choosing not to do so because he wants to keep all of the house instead of dividing it as an asset. He started sleeping around with this woman before he and his wife officially decided to separate. They are not legally separated even now. I just can not condone adultery and by inviting her into my life, I feel I would be condoning that.

 

She's not doing it by herself. He's doing it, too. So if meeting her/talking with her/being cordial to her/letting her be part of your life in ANY way is condoning adultrry, then so is chatting with him, spending time with him, being cordial to him, or letting HIM be in your life, if you want to think about it that way.

 

Personally, I would not see being polite/allowing myself to be introduced to someone as "condoning adultery." I would see it as minding my own business and being polite. I would make sure my children knew my beliefs through my conversations with and demonstrations to them. I would refuse to cover up for the couple if asked, I would refuse to allow the woman to sleep at my house, I would tell the guy I didn't want him hanging all over the woman where I or my kids could see it- maybe THOSE types of things could be construed as "condoning adultery."

 

But saying "sure, bring your friend by to introduce her?"

 

Not so much. For me, anyway.

 

I also don't have expectations for this relationship to last. They had their first date on OCtober 17th. They had their 2nd date on the 23rd and he slept over. He introduced her to my son on the 27th, talked to his wife about separating on the 31st and then brought her to the party on the 6th. Maybe, I am cruel but I am not interested in being involved with or having my kids being involved with some lady he met on Craig's List 3 weeks ago. They have been together 3 weeks and it's in the midst of a rebound. He allegedly hasn't been laid for 4 years and now suddenly he's getting laid and it's coloring his thinking. Even if I didn't have moral issues against the relationship, why would I want to get involved in what is likely a fly by night relationship?
You have NO idea how long it will last or not last. And seriously, why is meeting someone "getting involved" in a relationship? It's not YOUR relationship, it's his. Whether it lasts or doesn't, agreeing to be introduced to someone and then being polite when you run into her again just isn't that big a deal.

 

I am not too concerned if she is offended. This is a divorced woman who doesn't have custody of her kids and lives in a different state than her kids. She met a guy on Craig's List that was ranting about his wife and women in general. She slept with him on the second date even though he was still married, not separated at the time. etc. She is wanting him to move in though they've known each other only three weeks. She made out with him at a child's birthday party. Apparantly, the two of us are already at odds in our worldview ;)
Ah. Now this I can understand more. I'd have doubts about a woman who doesn't live with her own kids too and wonder what kind of person that makes her. Whereas I wouldn't really judge someone just because she met a guy online, or even that she slept with a man soon after meeting him, or anything else mentioned, and I did already say I agreed that the birthday party behavior was inappropriate/not acceptable- and I guess it does say something about her character that she was willing to go to a child's birthday party and then behave like that there. So I understand your specifics in that instance, at least, and why you aren't thinking you'll end up being best friends with her or anything.

 

 

I can't just snap my fingers and say his wife means nothing to me now. I also can't just become instant best friends with someone he's known 3 weeks.
And you don't have to!

 

Maybe it would be different if he separated first, waited a bit before dating, dated her awhile then asked us if we could double date or meet her, then after I got to know her, I could decide how and when to introduce my kids to her, etc. But he chose to take my kid to meet her without my permission, without telling me he was doing so, and without me ever having met her.
This sounds almost like more of an issue one would have when it comes to the father of said kids. Not a family friend. If you and your husband had gotten divorced and your husband was introducing your kids to a new 'lady friend' I'd feel the exact same way. But that's not the case here. It's just a family friend, and he's bringing a friend around- I highly doubt your kids think of it the way you do or have the same vested interest in it as you do.

 

To show up at my house which is in the midst of remodeling without warning is not cool -I yelled at him a year ago when he showed up with a guy friend. You don't bring another woman to someone's house for the first time without warning!!!
Heh. I don't like anybody coming to my house without warning, either. I like time to straighten up, make sure I've jumped in the shower, and so on.

 

Normalization of adultery and sleeping together before marriage. They are 10 and 11. It's one thing to know that your uncle did something "not good", being told what happened, that mommy disapproves and why. It's completely another story to say, Hey I don't approve of this but since you've been slightly exposed, why not just have her over every day so you think adultery and sleeping around are perfectly normal things and that it's okay to dishonor God if means "having a life." Heck, might as well have an orgy while we're at it. Then what happens when in a few weeks, this relationship is over and he's moved on to another, then another, etc.
Er...okay I think you're getting ahead of yourself again. To YOU meeting this new woman says "sleeping together!" "adultery!" "sex!" "sin!"

 

To a 10 and 11 year old, it means Uncle So And So is spending time with someone who happens to be female. I know sex would never in a million years enter MY 10 year old's mine in those circumstances, it'd just be some person hanging out/hanging around the family. Would your kids really meet this woman, and notice anything more (maybe) than that they are spending time together? Maybe "dating" (which I guess could lead to explanations on your part about how you think he should wait til this time or that time for this reason or that reason) but STILL I don't think at that age they are thinking "ooh! They must be having sex!" As far as they could be concerned, these people could just be friends.

 

To me saying this is like saying "well we saw the man next door beating his wife. I don't agree with wife beating but I am going to go out and have a few beers with him anyway. My kids have already seen her getting beat once so what does it matter if they see her get beat again and again.
Nowhere NEAR the same thing to me... but look in the end this is your life, your house, your beliefs, your choice apparently. I'm just giving my input. You asked! LOL.
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He can't pay rent, but he has the money to be out dating? How well do you know his character? Could he be a danger to your kids in other ways? Sometimes people are "shocked" at who could do what to whom that they never would've suspected. Clearly he doesn't share your values -- I would view it as a risk to the children that he's living in your house, honestly.

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She's not doing it by herself. He's doing it, too. So if meeting her/talking with her/being cordial to her/letting her be part of your life in ANY way is condoning adultrry, then so is chatting with him, spending time with him, being cordial to him, or letting HIM be in your life, if you want to think about it that way.

 

Being that he lives with me and I can't kick him out by myself, I have no choice but to be cordial to him. I have stopped letting him pick up the kids or take them out because I feel he can't be trusted. I have let him know that what I think he is doing is wrong and tried to do it in love. (Friend, I care about you, I know you're hurting and this is a hard time, but what you are doing is wrong in my eyes. I will be here for a sounding board, but I can't condone what you are doing). Being that I know him, I can let him know that. With her I can not do that. I do have enough manners not to walk to a woman I barely know and say "I think you are wrong for doing what you are doing." We don't have a history together to chastize her in love.

 

Close friends should be like iron sharpening iron.

 

 

 

Personally, I would not see being polite/allowing myself to be introduced to someone as "condoning adultery." I would see it as minding my own business and being polite. I would make sure my children knew my beliefs through my conversations with and demonstrations to them. I would refuse to cover up for the couple if asked, I would refuse to allow the woman to sleep at my house, I would tell the guy I didn't want him hanging all over the woman where I or my kids could see it- maybe THOSE types of things could be construed as "condoning adultery."

 

But saying "sure, bring your friend by to introduce her?"

 

Not so much. For me, anyway.

 

See he never asked me if I wanted to meet her. He brought her to my house unannounced but I wasn't there. Then he brought her to my son's party without running it by me first. He picked my son up from practice and told me he was taking him to dinner and the mall. He didn't tell me it was dinner and the mall in another city with a woman he had just met.

 

When I did meet her, I was polite. I chatted casually with her about clothes, diet, etc. I didn't run up to her and scream "Jezebel" lol. I didn't sit there and talk non-stop about his wife and kids or anything like that. It's not personal against her so much because he is the one that knows me well enough to know that I would not like what he is doing.

 

You have NO idea how long it will last or not last. And seriously, why is meeting someone "getting involved" in a relationship? It's not YOUR relationship, it's his. Whether it lasts or doesn't, agreeing to be introduced to someone and then being polite when you run into her again just isn't that big a deal.

 

It might last and it might not. If it lasts, then I will eventually be involved with her. If it doesn't last, I won't. However, he is forcing her upon us and trying to make her a part of lives. This isn't we just happen to run into them at the mall kind of thing. But why do I want her over at my house unannounced, having her join us for Sunday Football at the bar, coming to my kids parties, going shopping and out to eat with my kids, etc. when I barely know her and don't know yet if she's going to be gone in a few weeks or not. Rebound relationships and relationships that move as fast as this one don't have the odds in their favor.

 

This sounds almost like more of an issue one would have when it comes to the father of said kids. Not a family friend. If you and your husband had gotten divorced and your husband was introducing your kids to a new 'lady friend' I'd feel the exact same way. But that's not the case here. It's just a family friend, and he's bringing a friend around- I highly doubt your kids think of it the way you do or have the same vested interest in it as you do.

 

If he were a friend that we didn't see all that much, I could be more flexible. I have a young cousin who dates a lot, has an occasional girlfriend for 3-6 months, then back to dating. However, my kids only seem when he comes to their ballgames, family functions, etc. He doesn't involve his girlfriends in our lives and if we happen to run into him in town, it is not immediately obvious that the girl he is with is a date. He's also not married but he does conduct his relationships with respect. However, the man in the discussion is their godfather/Uncle -closer to them than any of their real uncles. He lives with us, we're not just happening to bump into him. He is definitely not trying to make it look like a friend who happens to be female. If he were, I would have a little more tolerance but he's not. I don't think I would tolerate them being in a scout troop, etc. when someone who is openly cheating on his wife.

 

Heh. I don't like anybody coming to my house without warning, either. I like time to straighten up, make sure I've jumped in the shower, and so on.

 

That is like the most cardinal sin ever! I am not a fantastic housekeeper anyway but we have been taking the popcorn off our kitchen ceiling so the entire kitchen and dining area are sitting in my living room and homeschool room. Then of course, I fight the battle of day to day clutter and getting everyone to help out so I have no idea if she came over on a good day or a bad day. Even my husband doesn't bring home people without a warning. In fact, if he swings by the house during the day, he usually calls me to give me warning and it's his house!

 

Er...okay I think you're getting ahead of yourself again. To YOU meeting this new woman says "sleeping together!" "adultery!" "sex!" "sin!"

 

To a 10 and 11 year old, it means Uncle So And So is spending time with someone who happens to be female. I know sex would never in a million years enter MY 10 year old's mine in those circumstances, it'd just be some person hanging out/hanging around the family. Would your kids really meet this woman, and notice anything more (maybe) than that they are spending time together? Maybe "dating" (which I guess could lead to explanations on your part about how you think he should wait til this time or that time for this reason or that reason) but STILL I don't think at that age they are thinking "ooh! They must be having sex!" As far as they could be concerned, these people could just be friends.

 

I don't think "meeting" her screams "sleeping together", etc. I think him not coming home most nights of the week and not being able to keep his hands off her screams "sleeping together". Now sex doesn't enter into my 10 yo's mind. He has zero interest in girls and has Aspergers so he doesn't notice much. However, my 11 yo does notice and has asked me. Why is he sleeping at her house, why is he signing her name to the card, why is he hugging her and massaging her when he's still married to Aunt___" She does know about sex, etc and that thing does enter her mind (She raises her eyebrows and smirks if DH and I go upstairs to take a nap). Nothing gets by this child for long. This is the child that can tell you which Wal Mart has blue carts and which one has grey carts.

 

But even dating bothers me. His family was here in August to house hunt. He went home in September and they had a fight (that my kids are unaware of). He was still planning on working it out and then he wrote a rant on Craigs List, met this girl and decided to separate. So yes, he's been physically separated from his wife due to the job, etc., but there had been no discussion of separating. I even asked him several times if she was so bad, why didn't he divorce her. While she didn't come down very often, he went up a lot. I think the longest stretch he had was 9 weeks without seeing them. He talked to her on the phone daily and called her "sweetie", etc.

 

So in my kids eyes, his family is here to look at house, then suddenly has a female friend/not coming home at night before he's separated. Then we tell the kids he and Auntie are separating and a couple days later, he's at the party with his new "friend", signing a card w/both names (I have lots of friends but I don't sign their names to cards), showing PDA, etc. My DD sees more than you would think. My son not so much (but then maybe he sees more than he lets on).

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Sorry, maybe I'm a **tch, but I couldn't welcome Wolf's friend's mistress into my home. I shudder thinking about it.

 

Once divorced, by all means bring Suzie Q over to meet us after the kids are in bed (that way we get an uninterrupted adult convo). But while married? Sorry, I'm not comfortable with it.

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My husband's best friend lives with us. (He is my daughter's godfather and my kids call him "uncle"-he closer to them than their biological uncles) He has lived with for a year and half. His wife and kids live in another state but were planning to move down next summer when his stepson graduated high school. Now, I have known that this marriage was in trouble for years (no sex in 4 years, she never called him, and only came down here twice in this time though she only works 2 days a week).

 

In September, he went up and they had a big fight. She has refused to talk to him since then except via text about bills, etc. About two weeks later, he started dating some woman he met on Craig's List. He spent the night on the second date and has spent most nights there since. One night, he picked my son up from practice and was going to take him out to dinner and the local mall since the rest of us were busy. Instead, he took my son to dinner and the mall in the next city over where she lives and took her along (he swore it was just as a friend). I told DH to tell him that I didn't like that, etc. but I don't think it went to far. I did tell our friend that I don't approve of the relationship when he's not divorced or even legally separated and think he's moving too fast. I also told him that we have not told our kids that he is separating yet and don't want them confused. Dh and I did the more passive thing of finding alternate ways to deal with kid shuffling without him and turning down all offers to take the kids out so we can have a date.

 

So over Halloween weekend, he went back to his home state and supposedly he and his wife agreed to separate and just waiting on meeting with a mediator to agree to terms. He wants to do some 12 month separation thing so that he pays for the house as part of the child support but gets to keep it when child moves out but I disgress.

 

After the separation looked like it was officially happening, I told my kids. This past weekend, he brought this new lady to my son's birthday party! He had his hands all over her (which I think is inappropriate at a party regardless) and he signed the gift card from the both of them. Now, I had not told him that I told the kids about the separation yet and he didn't ask if it was alright to bring her.

 

I also found out that he brought this lady to our house to introduce us. Now, I do not like people coming over without warning so I can clean. He knows that. Our kitchen is being remodeled and I've been sick so the house is in more disarray than normal. We were not home but he brought her in the house anyway.

 

I told him yesterday that I do not want this woman in my life or my kids lives right now. I just don't think it is healthy and told him I don't appreciate having to explain to my kids how someone is married one weekend and has a new girlfriend the next. I told him I have strong religious morals about adultry and that he's stil legally married in my book (he swears he is not really via NY state law and he's an atheist so doesn't care about my religious views).

 

He just can't seem to grasp that we are not interested in getting to know this lady. I know he's excited to be having "relations" and is smitten with actually having someone be interested in him after years of being ignored. However, I want to protect my kids. I don't want them getting wrong ideas about fidelity and marriage and I also don't want them to get emotionally attached to someone who may be gone in a month or two. I also don't want them to think dating means having your hands all over each other.

 

He thinks I am crazy and over-reacting. What says the hive? At what point do you think it would be appropriate for him to introduce his girlfriend to my kids?

If they agreed on seperating then he is free to see whoever he wants. I think it's good for kids to see the reality of seperation and that people move on. This is a good lesson to AVOID seperation and divorce. I highly doubt the kids will get attached to this lady. I think you should check out the signs of an emotional affair-

 

Emotional affair signs need to be even more observed when the individual in question is married. Let's see these possible emotional cheating signs.

 

  • One could be emotionally cheating when one does not show any interest in/intimacy with their spouse. This is probably the first of the warning signs of an emotional affair.

  • When someone is in am emotional affair, they share more about their feelings and emotions with their partner than with their spouse.

  • One will keep their emotional partner a secret from their spouse. One might even spend long hours in the night talking on the phone with the partner.

  • One will be more sexually attracted to their partner than their spouse. However, they will try to suppress the sexual attraction.

  • One will feel emotionally distanced from their spouse when in an emotional relationship.

  • When in an emotional affair, one will be more concerned about the partner's feelings and emotions than their spouse.

  • When in an emotional affair, one will avoid talking to or about their spouse in front of their partner.

  • If one is having an emotional affair, they will find problems in their current relationships and will have fights with their spouse very often.

  • Denial about the emotional affair is one of the biggest signs of an emotional affair. The ones involved in the affair will find themselves denying the true nature of the affair.

  • One will find that when in an emotional affair, they are more inclined to buying romantic gifts for their partner than for their spouse.

An emotional affair need not always be a bad thing. However, if one cannot act on their feelings about the affair and turn the affair into a full blown relationship, then one should end the affair. More so, when married or in a serious relationship, one should try to communicate with their spouse instead of their "friend".

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I am not sure what the bit about emotional affair is supposed to mean? I don't think he's having an emotional affair on his wife but I do know he's having a physical one!

 

If they agreed on seperating then he is free to see whoever he wants. I think it's good for kids to see the reality of seperation and that people move on. This is a good lesson to AVOID seperation and divorce

 

Actually the law in my state and his state is that if he has sexual relations even if they begin after the separation agreement, she can change the terms of the divorce to reflect adultery and it can affect things like custody, alimony, etc.

 

This affair began BEFORE they separated via mutual agreement and they are not yet legally separated.

 

I can see that it can be used as a lesson in divorce and moving on. But this is not "moving on" because the marriage is not over. They have not divorced. It is definitely not a healthy way to move on.

 

This is unhealthy. When my own husband and I separated three years ago, I did not rush out and have an affair to meet my long unmet emotional needs or physical needs. I did the healthy thing by working on my own healing with a counselor, working with my husband and the counselor to do what was best for the kids, looking at things from the perspective that we are forever tied because of the kids. This is not throw my clothes and stereo in the car and drive off into the sunset. We were going to have to have semi-regular communication no matter what. Eventually, we reconciled and now have a strong marriage and a strong family unit. It probably would not have happened and my kids would be worse off if I decided to move on the same week we decided to split up!

 

He and his wife are not communicating to each other. They do not have a real plan on how to proceed (IMO they have two different plans). They are fighting over money (in the passive aggressive of who can pull money out of account the fastest). They have not told their children about the separation. He's got a huge lawsuit coming up. His health is just now getting stabilized (He was in a coma from an anethesia mishap which is one of reasons he lived w/us because he couldn't eat alone due to choking issues). Her health is just getting stabilized (breast cancer). He has done zero self-analysis (it's all her fault -he is perfect). I doubt if she has done any. Going out and sleeping with the first woman who winks at you after you have a fight with your wife and then deciding to just go ahead and separate is not what I consider "moving on", at least not a healthy way.

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Well he could be acting out of revenge. Don't underestimate an angry man. He probably won't forgive his wife and vice versa. People have trouble to forgive with adultery. Men usually don't flaunt their flings in the wife's face. Especially if he is on touchy legal ground. He may really like this new lady and it could stick you never know. I hope the situation works out so everyone is happy.

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I'd have doubts about a woman who doesn't live with her own kids too and wonder what kind of person that makes her.

 

sticking my nose in here for a moment..

 

my parents divorced when i was 4 and my father took my brother and i to live with him and moved us 4000km away a few months later ~ my mother didn't fight it because she figured he could give us "a better life" since he was military and she was a waitress.

 

please don't assume that just because the father has custody that there is something 'wrong' with the mother. :)

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sticking my nose in here for a moment..

 

my parents divorced when i was 4 and my father took my brother and i to live with him and moved us 4000km away a few months later ~ my mother didn't fight it because she figured he could give us "a better life" since he was military and she was a waitress.

 

please don't assume that just because the father has custody that there is something 'wrong' with the mother. :)

 

 

I am trying not to assume the worse because I know there are always circumstances. It's a red flag to me though. The story I have is that she is the one that left the state. One red flag doesn't mean a whole lot but meeting a guy on Craig's List was on there ranting about his wife is another, sleeping with a married man on the second date is another, etc. Flags keep adding up.

 

Then I have to wonder what's the interest in a man who's going through so many issues with his wife. She knew that he and his wife were having issues before she went out with him. Is she addicted to drama? Does she have some kind of savior complex. She's decently cute. He is not that good looking and he's overweight by a lot. His personality is not that charming and he's certainly not funny, etc. He's just not someone that you would go "wow, what a catch." However, he is due to get a huge settlement soon and I have no doubt that she knows about it because I know him well enough to know he bragged about it. I can't prove it and maybe off base but well, it is just another flag.

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