Daughters, college, living at home, marriage, etc

[Nakia]

This is probably going to be a weird post, which is unlikely to surprise most of you considering the poster. :D During an interesting conversation with some friends last night, it came up that some parents are training their daughters up to stay home until marriage, whether they marry at 18 or 30. I asked one woman whether she thought that was a good idea because, personally, I don't believe there is a house big enough for two women. :lol: I mean an 18 year old who is staying home while she goes to college is one thing, but a 28 year old college-educated woman with a good job is something else altogether. She stated she really feels like "God won't let them stay unmarried that long. I believe they will be married by 22." That confused me even more. This same couple strongly encourages their daughters to stay home/local if they go to college. Let me say that I got married at 20, and I don't regret it one bit because I really believe Patrick is the one for me, and we are very happy. He was finished with college and had a good job when we married, and I was almost finished with nursing school. BUT I am not naive enough to believe every woman meets her soul mate by 20 or 22 or even 32. It just doesn't happen sometimes. And I think it's perfectly okay if a woman never gets married. So I guess I have a couple of questions:

 

1) Do you believe a young woman should stay home with her parents until she is married, no matter her age?

 

2) Do you encourage your daughters to attend a local college and stay home during that time or go away to college? Or do you leave that up to them?

 

3) Do you believe it is God's plan for every woman to be married?

 

There are no wrong answers. I am just curious.

[Melinda in VT]

1) Do you believe a young woman should stay home with her parents until she is married, no matter her age?

 

2) Do you encourage your daughters to attend a local college and stay home during that time or go away to college? Or do you leave that up to them?

 

3) Do you believe it is God's plan for every woman to be married?

 

 

 

1. No

 

2. I think attending college 3-4 hours away from home is ideal, but I'm not going to insist on it. I would discourage my kids from living at home while they are attending college (except for summer breaks). If finances allow it, I will probably insist they move out.

 

3. No.

[Night Elf]

1) Do you believe a young woman should stay home with her parents until she is married, no matter her age?

 

No. That idea is so far removed from my way of life that I can't even fathom it. I see people say that is what is happening in their homes, but I could never even consider it in our home.

 

2) Do you encourage your daughters to attend a local college and stay home during that time or go away to college? Or do you leave that up to them?

 

Considering my DH and I won't be paying for college for any of our children, this would be up to them. I have no problem with my children living at home to save money, but I can't imagine my dd18 being 25 or 30 and still living at home. That just seems really wrong.

 

3) Do you believe it is God's plan for every woman to be married?

 

Back when I believed in God, I still would have said no. And what about a young woman who becomes a widow? Does she move back in with her parents because she has no husband to care for her?

[Nakia]

And what about a young woman who becomes a widow? Does she move back in with her parents because she has no husband to care for her?

 

I hadn't thought of that! Interesting.

[dangermom]

1) Do you believe a young woman should stay home with her parents until she is married, no matter her age?

No.

 

2) Do you encourage your daughters to attend a local college and stay home during that time or go away to college? Or do you leave that up to them?

My girls are young, but I would prefer for them to go away. For one thing, the local college is only OK academically, and a famous party school!

 

3) Do you believe it is God's plan for every woman to be married?

No.

[elegantlion]

1) Do you believe a young woman should stay home with her parents until she is married, no matter her age?

 

No. I have several single friends. A few would like to be married, some are quite happy being single. None want to live at home.

 

2) Do you encourage your daughters to attend a local college and stay home during that time or go away to college? Or do you leave that up to them?

 

No dds, but I know dh is going to have a hard time with ds wanting to go away to college. I would personally be okay with him staying home during college.

 

3) Do you believe it is God's plan for every woman to be married?

 

No, I don't.

 

There are no wrong answers. I am just curious.

[laughing lioness]

1) Do you believe a young woman should stay home with her parents until she is married, no matter her age?

 

2) Do you encourage your daughters to attend a local college and stay home during that time or go away to college? Or do you leave that up to them?

 

3) Do you believe it is God's plan for every woman to be married?

 

There are no wrong answers. I am just curious.

 

1) No and heaven forbid. My 20 yo told me yesterday that she was going to take 3 yrs to finish her college program and planned to live here during that time. ACK. I love her (truly) but seriously, she is always rearranging where I put things in the kitchen! We had lots of comments about this when our oldest went back to Europe (alone) at 18 (actually she left a week before she turned 18). We were told that her dad was her "covering" and that if she went "off" by herself she would no longer have a spiritual covering. To which my dh replied, "Jesus is not limited by time or space."

 

2) No. We encourage our kids to have little to no debt. They can live at home as adults (and both of our adult "kids" have) but they need a plan, a job and a good attitude (i.e.contribute in adult ways to the household). If staying at home while they are in college, or furthering their training, is helping them get ahead, we are open to negotiating expectations with them.

 

3) No. Or every man for that matter.

[Carol in Cal.]

Assuming that they would get married to a 'good provider' caused a tremendous number of social problems for women in the 50's especially. No, I don't think girls should be raised with that expectation. I think they should be raised to be people who serve God, who use their talents, who can support themselves, who can extend mercy and care to others, and who can be and have fun.

 

Society is not set up for that good provider/dependent wife thing to be reliable. It never really was reasonable to depend on it, what with men marrying younger women who outlived them as widows for decades in genteel poverty. But now there are not even social norms to support this assumption during the years that people are usually married, what with the divorce rate so high and divorce laws so inequitable to a non-'earning' spouse.

 

As for local vs. distant college, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. Certainly I have no particular goal in mind in that regard.

 

Right now my view is that DD will always be welcome to live at our house if she wants to. That could change, but I do feel that family should take care of each other, and if she needs us we will be there for her, no matter what.

[katilac]

1) Do you believe a young woman should stay home with her parents until she is married, no matter her age?

 

No, not at all.

 

2) Do you encourage your daughters to attend a local college and stay home during that time or go away to college? Or do you leave that up to them?

 

I would leave the final decision up to them, but I would encourage living away from home (even if they attend a local college).

 

3) Do you believe it is God's plan for every woman to be married?

 

Nope.

 

There are no wrong answers. I am just curious.

 

My answers are in bold above.

[Murmer]

I would not want them to stay home until marriage.

I want my daughters to move far far away for college and really get that experience. Ok maybe not cross country but where ever they truly want to go to college is fine with me.

My religion really really really stresses marriage and family for young women. Even still they realize that not every woman will have the opportunity to be married. So I do not believe it is God's plan for every woman to be married.

[Parrothead]

1) Do you believe a young woman should stay home with her parents until she is married, no matter her age?

Not necessarily. I will encourage dd to return home (or even possibly go to school locally) after college with or without a husband. I'm quickly becoming a believer in the multi-generational model as a means to for the family to build wealth. Please no, "oh, you just can't let go" replies.

 

2) Do you encourage your daughters to attend a local college and stay home during that time or go away to college? Or do you leave that up to them?

Again, I'd encourage it for financial reasons, not for religious reasons. If things come to pass that she and I can not stand being in the same house with each other I'll be happy to let her move out and be on her own.

 

3) Do you believe it is God's plan for every woman to be married?

In the Catholic church we believe women have a few options. Discernment to enter into the religious life is not as common as it use to be, but it is very much acceptable. Women also have the option to be married or live the single life. So, no. I do not believe it is God's plan for every woman to marry.

 

There are no wrong answers. I am just curious.

:001_smile:

[Sherry in OH]

1) Do you believe a young woman should stay home with her parents until she is married, no matter her age?

 

No. Ideally a young woman should live on her own for at least a year before considering marriage. If that is not feasible, she should at least be paying her parents full rent, pro-rated utilities and groceries, and her fair share of household chores.

 

2) Do you encourage your daughters to attend a local college and stay home during that time or go away to college? Or do you leave that up to them?

 

I don't have daughters. I will encourage my sons to live on campus for at least their first year of college. I expect them to live independently before even considering marriage.

 

3) Do you believe it is God's plan for every woman to be married?

 

No.

[i.love.lucy]

My goal is to raise my kids to be people who serve God and seek His will. They need to be equipped to be whatever He might call them to be. I don't have any special insight into His special plan for their lives. My job is to disciple them while I have them.

 

To me that means for my dd that she might get married, she might not. She should have an excellent education, have home-making skills, know how to learn whatever she doesn't know. She is welcome to live here as long as she needs to while she grows and learns. Knowing her particular personality, I don't see her going very far away to college, but there are plenty of good ones right here for her to attend. She is welcome to live at home during college, but I suppose that if she is working full time and able to support herself then I do see her having her own place, or one with a friend. Not shacking up with a boyfriend though.

 

I suppose I simply hope that we seek God's will for our kids in each and every step, not have some kind of plan of how things are supposed to go. I pray that we have children that love God and seek Him, and therefore will make the right choices as they go.

[Crimson Wife]

No, maybe, and no.

 

If you've raised a daughter to have strong values, there's no threat to her living on her own prior to marriage. And if she doesn't have strong values, then simply having her live at home is no guarantee of proper behavior (just think of all the stories one hears about girls sneaking out the window at night to go off with some boy).

 

I do believe that God calls most women to marry and have children, but others he calls to the single life. I'd be happy if one of my daughters felt called to become a nun for example.

[Britomart]

My girls are little, but . . .

 

1) No.

 

2) That'll depend on what our circumstances are like when the time comes. I could see it going either way, depending on goals, finances, personalities, etc.

 

3) No. In fact, as a traditional Christian, I think it's pretty clear that the Bible considers marriage second-best to being single and celibate. (Even though it's also pretty clear that most people will get married and that marriage is a good thing.) Isn't it throwing away hundreds of thousands of the church's best examples of sainthood to denigrate single women?

[Veritaserum]

1) Do you believe a young woman should stay home with her parents until she is married, no matter her age?

 

No way. I think independence is an important thing to experience.

 

2) Do you encourage your daughters to attend a local college and stay home during that time or go away to college? Or do you leave that up to them?

 

My dds can go to whatever school they want. Even if they choose to go to the university my dh and I attended (15 min. away), we would NOT let them live at home. They need their independence.

 

3) Do you believe it is God's plan for every woman to be married?

 

I think a woman can live a full, productive, and God-honoring life without getting married and having children.

[jld]

I really just want my dd to be happy and live the life she wants to live. She's smart and stable and has the self-discipline to do whatever she sets her mind to.

 

I'm going to be really sad to see her leave us, but I don't think it's realistic that she will live with us past undergrad. I hope to be my dd's lifelong friend.

[Guest Cheryl in SoCal]

1) Do you believe a young woman should stay home with her parents until she is married, no matter her age?

 

I'm not against it (for either gender) but do not think it's a requirement. I know many who have never lived on their own before marriage (my dh and myself included) and do not believe it has been a disadvantage.

 

2) Do you encourage your daughters to attend a local college and stay home during that time or go away to college? Or do you leave that up to them?

 

That will be up to them regardless of gender. Economically speaking, I think it would be more wise to live at home regardless of gender.

 

3) Do you believe it is God's plan for every woman to be married?

 

No, I have never seen anything in the Bible indicating that (for either gender).

[Leanna Tomlinson]

1) Do you believe a young woman should stay home with her parents until she is married, no matter her age?

 

2) Do you encourage your daughters to attend a local college and stay home during that time or go away to college? Or do you leave that up to them?

 

3) Do you believe it is God's plan for every woman to be married?

 

There are no wrong answers. I am just curious.

 

This is interesting.....I used to believe (somewhat) like the woman you talked to, but I have changed in the past 10 years. My answers went from the theoretical to the actual as my daughters grew.

 

1. No, BUT - I also don't believe that a girl needs to be out of the house at 18, or even out of the house at 22 when she graduates from college. I think the the beliefs expressed by your friend are a reaction to another extreme. The extreme I grew up with (not ideas held by my parents, but by most of my peers) was that all girls should leave home at 18 for school or work. If they didn't they were somehow oppressed and stunted in their growth.

 

Many young couples our age (40's) latched on to the homeschooling movement with a resounding rejection of the culture that had spoken of freedoms, but actually dictated a feminism and liberalism that went against our hearts. Many of my friends wanted to stay home, but felt forced to go to school, or put their babies in day care, or climb the corporate ladder etc. We had been raised by the generation who had thwarted the traditional model, but we were ridiculed if we wanted anything like that. Any thought process that dictates the same practical solution for all people is probably flawed whether it dictates all women go to college, all women stay home, or all women do anything! After enduring 4 years in a liberal college with militant feminist professors, I was ready to embrace the beliefs your friend expressed. It took growth and maturity to see that I had gone from one ditch to another.

 

2.I think the final decision is up to them if they are completely financially dependent. If kids are still dependent on parents, and parents are footing the bill for school, parents trump.

 

3.Not at all. Paul said so.

[Impish]

1) Do you believe a young woman should stay home with her parents until she is married, no matter her age?

No. In fact, I think most ppl are better served by living on their own for a time. Being newly married, and paying bills, etc for the first time? Eeek!

2) Do you encourage your daughters to attend a local college and stay home during that time or go away to college? Or do you leave that up to them? I'd prefer ALL my kids commute from home. That's strictly due to financial reasons though. If they choose otherwise, well, it is up to them, isn't it? :lol:

 

3) Do you believe it is God's plan for every woman to be married?

 

If I knew God's Plans, then I'd be Him. I have no idea what God might intend for every individual.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

:001_smile:Originally Posted by Nakia

1) Do you believe a young woman should stay home with her parents until she is married, no matter her age?

Not necessarily. I will encourage dd to return home (or even possibly go to school locally) after college with or without a husband. I'm quickly becoming a believer in the multi-generational model as a means to for the family to build wealth. Please no, "oh, you just can't let go" replies.

 

2) Do you encourage your daughters to attend a local college and stay home during that time or go away to college? Or do you leave that up to them?

Again, I'd encourage it for financial reasons, not for religious reasons. If things come to pass that she and I can not stand being in the same house with each other I'll be happy to let her move out and be on her own.

 

3) Do you believe it is God's plan for every woman to be married?

In the Catholic church we believe women have a few options. Discernment to enter into the religious life is not as common as it use to be, but it is very much acceptable. Women also have the option to be married or live the single life. So, no. I do not believe it is God's plan for every woman to marry.

 

 

:iagree: I have to basically agree. I think multi-generational homes are good for families both spiritually and financially in many cases plus this is how many families lived in our country prior to the advent of the nuclear family somewhere in the mid 1900s I believe. I lived my first year or two of life in a multi-generational home and extended family home. Currently I do not, but hope to have room for any family members who want to be with us.

 

I also see no problem with ds living at home (and not being a mama's boy so to speak;)) for financial reasons. He is free to leave as well as an adult.

 

I think we will see a return to more and more multi-generational families and I see it as a good thing.

 

As for daughters, they should be encourage to go the best college for them financially and academically. I do not believe they should be forced to stay and at the same time I would welcome an adult daughter or son at any age to stay with us as long as they contribute to the household.

 

Lastly, I do not think everyone was meant to be married.

[Mama Geek]

I don't think any of them are needed, but would I refuse any of them, no. A daughter living at home who is contributing to the household has advantages to the parents and the daughter.

[Nakia]

Great responses so far, and I hope to see many more. I feel pretty much like everyone else. My husband and I are hoping to raise bold and confident women who seek God's will for their life. We firmly believe it's entirely possible for them to meet their intended husband when they are 17 or not until they are 27 or later. We also firmly believe that it's possible that they might never marry, and that's okay with us. I just want them to love God and be happy! We definitely want them to go to college, but it's not something we will force on them (as if we could, lol!). What we will force on them is responsibility!! No living off momma and daddy for the rest of their lives. :D

 

As to the family I spoke of, they are also of the strict courting mindset, and I do believe much of their beliefs are based on legalism and control. I'm not saying that is the reason behind anyone here's beliefs, just the friends I am referring to. Their almost 17 year old is not allowed to speak to boys...at all... But I digress...

[Guest Cheryl in SoCal]

Great responses so far, and I hope to see many more. I feel pretty much like everyone else. My husband and I are hoping to raise bold and confident women who seek God's will for their life. We firmly believe it's entirely possible for them to meet their intended husband when they are 17 or not until they are 27 or later. We also firmly believe that it's possible that they might never marry, and that's okay with us. I just want them to love God and be happy! We definitely want them to go to college, but it's not something we will force on them (as if we could, lol!). What we will force on them is responsibility!! No living off momma and daddy for the rest of their lives. :D

 

As to the family I spoke of, they are also of the strict courting mindset, and I do believe much of their beliefs are based on legalism and control. I'm not saying that is the reason behind anyone here's beliefs, just the friends I am referring to. Their almost 17 year old is not allowed to speak to boys...at all... But I digress...

Are you equating all instances of adult children living at home as living off of momma and daddy or living at home and contributing nothing as living off of momma and daddy?

[Nakia]

Are you equating all instances of adult children living at home as living off of momma and daddy or living at home and contributing nothing as living off of momma and daddy?

 

The bolded is what I meant. I fully realize that there are adult children living in the home that contribute! I didn't mean that all adult children living at home are mooching off their parents!! I'm sorry; I certainly didn't word that right at all. My apologies.

[Chris in VA]

I want my dd to go to college wherever she wants.

I want her to experience managing a budget, working at a job (even if it's a home-based business), and living on her own before she gets married.

I don't think God calls everyone to marriage. I also don't think the biblical Paul means the married state is worse than the single state; it's more the married state is harder than the single state. God clearly blesses both states, as long as it is done in his will.

 

I don't want my dear girl seeking a man to complete her. I want her seeking Jesus to do that. I want her to have the option of being educated to go on missions, raise a family, continue to learn, have a ministry in or out of the church--whatever--just equipped for every good work. I pray she lets God choose the man or the ministry or both.

[Guest Cheryl in SoCal]

The bolded is what I meant. I fully realize that there are adult children living in the home that contribute! I didn't mean that all adult children living at home are mooching off their parents!! I'm sorry; I certainly didn't word that right at all. My apologies.

No need to apologize:001_smile: I thought that was probably what you meant but wasn't sure.

[Amy loves Bud]

No, no, and no.

 

I believe that God has a plan for each of my children. It may or may not involve a spouse, college near or far, or any other number of things. I will raise my children to honor the Lord in whatever they choose. After they are adults, I will offer my advice when asked and trust the Lord to guide them with his Spirit. I'll not presume to know the plans God has for other adults, even if they are my own children.

[Nakia]

I want my dd to go to college wherever she wants.

I want her to experience managing a budget, working at a job (even if it's a home-based business), and living on her own before she gets married.

I don't think God calls everyone to marriage. I also don't think the biblical Paul means the married state is worse than the single state; it's more the married state is harder than the single state. God clearly blesses both states, as long as it is done in his will.

 

I don't want my dear girl seeking a man to complete her. I want her seeking Jesus to do that. I want her to have the option of being educated to go on missions, raise a family, continue to learn, have a ministry in or out of the church--whatever--just equipped for every good work. I pray she lets God choose the man or the ministry or both.

 

I love the way you put that!!!

[Crimson Wife]

As to the family I spoke of, they are also of the strict courting mindset, and I do believe much of their beliefs are based on legalism and control...Their almost 17 year old is not allowed to speak to boys...at all... But I digress...

 

It's been my observation that CC families who shelter their children to an extreme extent quite often wind up with kids who rebel against Christianity entirely. The children wind up throwing the baby out with the bathwater :(

[Nakia]

No need to apologize:001_smile: I thought that was probably what you meant but wasn't sure.

 

Oh good. :001_smile:

[Pretty in Pink]

I do not have daughters, only sons, but I know my answers to your questions without reservation: NO on all three counts.

[Hedgehog]

1) Do you believe a young woman should stay home with her parents until she is married, no matter her age?

 

2) Do you encourage your daughters to attend a local college and stay home during that time or go away to college? Or do you leave that up to them?

 

3) Do you believe it is God's plan for every woman to be married?

 

1) No. Unless everyone concerned wants it that way, after the young woman has been given a truly free choice.

 

2) Well my oldest DD is only 11.. :D I would love to think that she'd want to be local, but at the end of the day I know what it's like to be too close to your family. If she wants her freedom at 18, it's hers for the taking. After a particularly bad patch with my parents, I told my DDs that if I tried telling them how to go on when they were adults, would they please tell me to b0g off. We all had a good laugh. :lol:

 

3) Absolutely not - the Apostle Paul was unmarried, and in Christ "there is no male or female" - so I can't see why there'd be one rule for men, and another for women.

[silliness7]

1) Do you believe a young woman should stay home with her parents until she is married, no matter her age? She SHOULD? I don't believe in one-size-fits-all when launching your children into the world of adulthood/careers/marriage, etc. If that's agreeable to both parties. why not? If it's disagreeable to the daughter wouldn't she just leave? If it's disagreeable to the parents well, there's tough love.

 

2) Do you encourage your daughters to attend a local college and stay home during that time or go away to college? Or do you leave that up to them? I would prefer all of my adult children to stay home and go to college...male and female. This is mainly because of financial concerns. It may go that way for some and won't for others. Regardless of what I think it is always up to them. My door is open for hard workers with a plan for the future who are financially responsible. Otherwise, I'll have to consider it on a case by case basis. ;)

 

3) Do you believe it is God's plan for every woman to be married? Not every. But a vast majority.

[katilac]

A couple of people responded that they would encourage their children to live at home as young adults for financial/building wealth reasons. This makes a lot of sense, but can I ask a nosy question? How big is your house, lol??

 

My dds are 10 &12. The four of us live in a four-bedroom house, about 1,800 square feet (including the enclosed garage). Sometimes the house feels a wee bit small to us now, kwim? If the kids stayed here, they would have their bedroom and only their bedroom as a private space. Our 4th bedroom is a craft room that we all use, and the garage is a pantry/storage/schoolroom space. So, they'd have a certain amount of space they could use for hobbies and such, but it would definitely be both limited and shared. Also, no area for them to have friends over, etc.

 

Their bedrooms are pretty small. Single bed, dresser, bookcases, and a desk, that's about all that will fit, so no bedroom/sitting room combos here.

 

While I'd be more than fine with them staying for a while and not wasting money on rent, I can't imagine they would want to stay long-term.

 

Hmmm, I don't know. I imagine the space problem getting worse as they get older. Does it get better? Stay the same? Do you have a bigger house, or do you think no one will much mind a snug fit?

[silliness7]

A couple of people responded that they would encourage their children to live at home as young adults for financial/building wealth reasons. This makes a lot of sense, but can I ask a nosy question? How big is your house, lol??

 

My dds are 10 &12. The four of us live in a four-bedroom house, about 1,800 square feet (including the enclosed garage). Sometimes the house feels a wee bit small to us now, kwim? If the kids stayed here, they would have their bedroom and only their bedroom as a private space. Our 4th bedroom is a craft room that we all use, and the garage is a pantry/storage/schoolroom space. So, they'd have a certain amount of space they could use for hobbies and such, but it would definitely be both limited and shared. Also, no area for them to have friends over, etc.

 

Their bedrooms are pretty small. Single bed, dresser, bookcases, and a desk, that's about all that will fit, so no bedroom/sitting room combos here.

 

While I'd be more than fine with them staying for a while and not wasting money on rent, I can't imagine they would want to stay long-term.

 

Hmmm, I don't know. I imagine the space problem getting worse as they get older. Does it get better? Stay the same? Do you have a bigger house, or do you think no one will much mind a snug fit?

 

The caveat is that they are wealth-building. Unless they have a home-based business (which is possible) they will be OUT building wealth ;) I wouldn't expect to see them hanging around just a whole lot. There's a season for that. Pre-Launch is not that season, imo. :001_smile:

[Carrie12345]

1) Do you believe a young woman should stay home with her parents until she is married, no matter her age?

 

2) Do you encourage your daughters to attend a local college and stay home during that time or go away to college? Or do you leave that up to them?

 

3) Do you believe it is God's plan for every woman to be married?

 

There are no wrong answers. I am just curious.

 

No.

TBD on an individual basis.

I'm not religious but, otherwise speaking, no.

 

I have a 30yo sil who has just moved back home. She's lived there all her life, minus a few short rebellious periods. This last time, she fully intended to marry her boyfriend. I don't know the details on what happened, but that's no longer the case.

 

From my view (which does carry the possibility of being "off"), there's a co-dependent relationship going on there. She's never been treated as an adult, and she's never sought any true independence. When a man can't or won't take care of her the way she's used to, it fizzles. The whole thing appears to be a big catch-22.

 

Technically, my kids will always have a home here. I can't imagine ever turning them away unless there are extreme circumstances at play. But I do expect them to strike out on their own at some point and carve out their own place in the world. And I'd very much like that to be well before 30!

[Parrothead]

1) Do you believe a young woman should stay home with her parents until she is married, no matter her age? She SHOULD? I don't believe in one-size-fits-all when launching your children into the world of adulthood/careers/marriage, etc. If that's agreeable to both parties. why not? If it's disagreeable to the daughter wouldn't she just leave? If it's disagreeable to the parents well, there's tough love.

 

I don't think the daughter would simply decide she is 18 and leave. I do think in many cases kids are... well, for want of a better word, brainwashed. They believe that their father is the ultimate authority over them here on earth until they marry thinking their husbands are the authority. Biblical submission is preached at every turn but the equal and opposite previous passages are conveniently forgotten - never mentioned. It is a sick kind of slavery. It is not limited to Christianity either. World wide there are still arranged marriages. Some for cultural reasons, many based on the family's religion. Even in the US.

 

Every once in a while one hears of the child(ren) that are saving every penny they get their hands on to leave the minute they are of legal age to do so. And of course the runaways.

[Parrothead]

A couple of people responded that they would encourage their children to live at home as young adults for financial/building wealth reasons. This makes a lot of sense, but can I ask a nosy question? How big is your house, lol??

 

 

We are in a 2400 sq. ft. rental at the moment. :D

 

This is too public a forum to discuss what our family's future plans are.

[Jann in TX]

1) Do you believe a young woman should stay home with her parents until she is married, no matter her age?

 

No--not unless it is absolutely necessary (meaning she is unable to support herself). I really hope my oldest daughter will leave home ONE DAY... it is tough having another woman in the house...

 

2) Do you encourage your daughters to attend a local college and stay home during that time or go away to college? Or do you leave that up to them?

 

Oldest dd is staying home while going to college--3 semesters left!!! This was the best decision for HER...cost effective and a local college had the best program for her.

 

We (DH and I) really NEED for middle dd to go away to college--NEXT FALL-- so much so that DH actually filled out a college application online for her TODAY!!! DD's plan was to stay at home one more year then transfer (she already has one year's worth of credits via dual enrollment)... She is an excellent student--performs well for her instructors--but is a PIA to parent---she is an 'oppositional child'.

3) Do you believe it is God's plan for every woman to be married?

 

No--two of my best friends have never been married--both had serious relationships in the past--but never married. One adopted a baby (seriously ill preemie) and the other just loves on everyone else's kids.

[Gratia271]

1) Do you believe a young woman should stay home with her parents until she is married, no matter her age?

You raise child and equip them to make life decisions for themselves. I want my children to know that there will always be a place for them in this world where they are loved and accepted regardless.......that is what home should be. My husband didn't have that, and I'll be da**ed if my children (son and daughters) don't have that from us. Bottom line, it's their call to choose in adulthood, not mine.

 

 

2) Do you encourage your daughters to attend a local college and stay home during that time or go away to college? Or do you leave that up to them? Their choice. We will do everything in our power to promote their goals.

 

 

3) Do you believe it is God's plan for every woman to be married?I am not God and wouldn't presume to know.

 

 

 

[Wheres Toto]

1) Do you believe a young woman should stay home with her parents until she is married, no matter her age?

 

2) Do you encourage your daughters to attend a local college and stay home during that time or go away to college? Or do you leave that up to them?

 

3) Do you believe it is God's plan for every woman to be married?

 

There are no wrong answers. I am just curious.

 

1) Definitely not. I'd rather my dd not get married very young plus I have cousins who are in their 40's and have never been married. I certainly would not want my children (dd's or ds) to live at home for that long. I think ideally they will have the chance to live independently before getting married so they can learn to take on the responsibilities of an adult rather than always having someone take care of them.

 

2) We left it up to my dd but she wants to go to NYU which is not far from us. Her second choice schools are NJ State Colleges. Decisions about living on campus/commuting from home (possibly only for the first year) will probably be made partially based on finances. Her dad is making noises about not paying for anything more than community college (even though it's in our divorce agreement, he's currently unemployed) so we're not sure what he'll contribute and we don't want her (or us) to take on a huge amount of debt.

 

3) Pretty much agnostic here so I don't have much comment about God's plan. I think it's unrealistic these days to make plans for your children's future with the idea that they will have someone to support them.

 

Edited to add: If any of my children needed to come home to live due to divorce, finances, etc. I would certainly allow them to but they would be expected to contribute to the household in some way. I would not expect to support them past a certain age unless there was some other underlying issues.

Edited November 9, 2010 by dottieanna29

[KnitWit]

Nope. In fact, my eldest is presently AWAY at college. :)

 

We know a handful of families who are like your friends. They have all been influenced by a book and dvd put out by Vision Forum called "So Much More" and "Return of the Daughters". We are now seeing families who, although they *planned* on early courtships and young marriages, have adult children in their late 20's/early 30's STILL living at home, unmarried, noone on the horizon. Some are *just now* deciding to take college classes.

 

That is not what I want for my kids.

 

Conversely, we know other families with unmarried adult children who have been to college/grad school, spent time traveling/serving overseas, working and having very full lives.

 

Life does not begin...or end...with marriage. :)

[Sophia]

1) Do you believe a young woman should stay home with her parents until she is married, no matter her age?

 

2) Do you encourage your daughters to attend a local college and stay home during that time or go away to college? Or do you leave that up to them?

 

3) Do you believe it is God's plan for every woman to be married?

 

There are no wrong answers. I am just curious.

 

 

We encourage our girls to seek God's will in all things and will earnestly be praying alongside them.

 

Having said that, we remember Isaiah 55:9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. "

 

I'm intrigued by girls like Jasmine Baucham (although increasingly I'm thinking she's one of a kind :)) who wrote this book.

 

My girls have followed her blog for some time (she recently stopped blogging) and I have been impressed with how real she is and singleminded in pursuing God's will for her life.

My older two daughters admire Jasmine, and if they should choose to look upon her as a mentor of sorts as they get older, that will be alright by me.

[fairfarmhand]

1) Do you believe a young woman should stay home with her parents until she is married, no matter her age? not necessarily. If it works for the daughters and parents then fine for them; but I see no reason that they would HAVE to do so.

 

2) Do you encourage your daughters to attend a local college and stay home during that time or go away to college? Or do you leave that up to them? depends on their age at college. My dd is on track to finish early. I do expect that by age 22 or so they should have experienced living on their own at some point.

 

3) Do you believe it is God's plan for every woman to be married?

nope.

There are no wrong answers. I am just curious.

[regentrude]

What occupations do these people's daughters have?

The probabililty that my daughter will land a job in her field of study in our town is so ridiculously small that she will most definitely not be living with us.

(But hey, if she gets a job somewhere nice, maybe WE could move in with her?)

[*********]

Nakia, I can't really speak to daughters, as I just have the two boys (my stepkids are a different situation, as I'm sure you understand). But, I can tell you what I believe for our boys.

 

I tell them that they are welcome to live with us as long as they feel the Lord would have them to. If that means until they marry, then that's fine. If that means that they live with us until we die and they never marry, that's fine, too. It could also mean that they leave for a third world country when they turn 18 because the Lord has called them to preach the gospel. Or maybe they move across the county and go to a specific college.

 

I can't tell them what to do with their future, because I'm not God. I don't want to speak for Him. :) But, the boys know that we have no expectation that just because they turn 18, they need to move out. Not at all. Now, I do think that once they're married, it is important that they set up home with their wife; you know, the whole 'leave and cleave'' thing. But other than that, we have no expectations on them. Whatever the Lord leads them to do, they should do.

 

Now, having said all that, I realize it is quite possible that they may grow up and not serve the Lord. In which case, I don't know what we'll do; what we'd expect of them. I pray I never need to know.

[Britomart]

We know a handful of families who are like your friends. They have all been influenced by a book and dvd put out by Vision Forum called "So Much More" and "Return of the Daughters". We are now seeing families who, although they *planned* on early courtships and young marriages, have adult children in their late 20's/early 30's STILL living at home, unmarried, noone on the horizon. Some are *just now* deciding to take college classes.

 

 

Okay, now I'm curious if I'm the only one . . . has anyone else ever looked at the Vision Forum/Return of the Daughters stuff and wondered where these girls are supposed to find their husbands if they aren't going to college?

 

I mean, I know you can fall in love anywhere (an acquaintance of mine met hers in the aisles of the 99 cent store!), but most of the couples I know met in college. If marriage is what you're aiming for, it seems a bit odd to avoid a place full of your age-mates.

 

I do understand their reasons for avoiding college (secular influences, advanced education not being necessary for women - don't agree, but I understand), but I've wondered what's supposed to replace that as a meeting place for potential mates. Does anyone know? Or is there no real plan?

[Parrothead]

Okay, now I'm curious if I'm the only one . . . has anyone else ever looked at the Vision Forum/Return of the Daughters stuff and wondered where these girls are supposed to find their husbands if they aren't going to college?

 

I mean, I know you can fall in love anywhere (an acquaintance of mine met hers in the aisles of the 99 cent store!), but most of the couples I know met in college. If marriage is what you're aiming for, it seems a bit odd to avoid a place full of your age-mates.

 

I do understand their reasons for avoiding college (secular influences, advanced education not being necessary for women - don't agree, but I understand), but I've wondered what's supposed to replace that as a meeting place for potential mates. Does anyone know? Or is there no real plan?

Church is probably where they girls or the parents find mates.

[Crimson Wife]

Okay, now I'm curious if I'm the only one . . . has anyone else ever looked at the Vision Forum/Return of the Daughters stuff and wondered where these girls are supposed to find their husbands if they aren't going to college?

 

From what I can gather, the courtships are typically facilitated through the parents and/or elders of the church. Not exactly an arranged marriage since the young man and the young woman do actually have a say in whether or not to proceed with a courtship. But it's definitely a "closed" community.