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Would you tell your children if you were going to lose your house?


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Wow, I can't believe people would make assumptions in this economic climate that because a person is losing their house they must be dishonest and/or irresponsible. Maybe in the past that was a safer assumption, but these days, I'm more inclined to cut people some slack. I find this situation heartbreaking. They must be so stressed out. I would assume as well that they are not wanting to mess up Christmas, though that's not the decision I would make. I would sit down with the kids and talk about it honestly. Acknowledge that it's a difficult and stressful situation, and talk about how sometimes life is hard but we will get through it, etc. And hopefully let the kids see how I handle something hard with some grace. If the parents are anything like me, the stress might make them irritable anyway, and I think it would be more helpful to the kids if you are able to say, "Hey, sorry I was grouchy earlier, this is a hard time for us and I let it get to me." Instead of having no explanation.

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In January a family from our church will be losing their home (sheriff sale is set for that month) their children don't know anything (16, 12 & 10 year old) We are pretty honest with our kids and if something like this were going to happen, we would want to prepare them, but I'm just wondering what others have done and if you told your kids and when, or would you?

 

Well, good question. To me telling kids too early may result in insecurity or a host of other issues. They may be angry.

 

However, these kids are older and I would tell them now to prepare them as well. 2 months is a reasonable amount of time. I certainly hope these parents would give sufficient notice and to stay optimistic....as much as possible.

 

If they stress that it's the home they may lose, not the family then the kids of any age will feel safe and secure.....being anywhere with Mom/Dad.

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I'm in the "tell them" camp. With dc that age, I'd be surprised they didn't know something is up. It's better to give them the facts than let them go off on all sorts of tangents. Also, it takes longer than a week to really pack up a family of 5 (BTDT) so unless they're abandoning lots of stuff, they'll need to get cracking--esp. if they're going to have yard sales, etc.

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My "littles" are to young to understand. I would tell them we are just moving to a new place. I would tell my teen that we just can't afford this house and would be moving to a new place.

 

I don't see how it would be any more traumatizing to a child than a regular move as long as the parents don't have emotional break downs and scare the kids.:confused:

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Absolutely. I would tell them as soon as I found out it was a done deal and try to explain the circumstances. We didn't lose our home, but I remember my mom telling me we were moving to another state within a month of actually moving. It was heart breaking. I begged and begged to no avail, which of course is understandable considering I was only 11 years old and didn't understand what was going on. But it took me years to get over that. When I look back on it, I believe I felt betrayed. I remember not talking to her for a while. I thought alot about running away. My sister and I got into fights because she understood it more than I did but no one even tried explaining all the circumstances to me because they felt I was too young. I took it personal which is a bad place for a child to be. In fact, I'm 42 years old and they STILL do that to me. My family is way weird.

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In January a family from our church will be losing their home (sheriff sale is set for that month) their children don't know anything (16, 12 & 10 year old) We are pretty honest with our kids and if something like this were going to happen, we would want to prepare them, but I'm just wondering what others have done and if you told your kids and when, or would you?

 

If your church knows about this I would see if the church as a whole can help this family save their house?

 

Maybe then the parents can tell their children the story of generosity and love from their brothers and sisters in Christ.

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He told care of all the bills and kept her out of the bills. At one point he just stopped paying the morgage. He never told her. She new they were tight on money, but had no idea about the mortgage.

 

My sister never knew her husband (now her ex) wasn't filing taxes each year. He took her W-2, acting like he was going to do it, but really just threw them all in a box in the garage. She had no idea and it just wasn't something that occurred to her to ask about. One day while she was at work, the IRS showed up and her boss called her into his office. The three of them sat there where my sister learned the truth and that all her paychecks would be garnished because her husband had no trail since he always worked for cash. She was devastated. Can you imagine finding out like that? She was so humiliated. They managed to sell their home 2 weeks before foreclosure but they still ended up filing bankruptcy about a year later. It was heart-breaking to watch.

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My sister never knew her husband (now her ex) wasn't filing taxes each year. He took her W-2, acting like he was going to do it, but really just threw them all in a box in the garage. She had no idea and it just wasn't something that occurred to her to ask about. One day while she was at work, the IRS showed up and her boss called her into his office. The three of them sat there where my sister learned the truth and that all her paychecks would be garnished because her husband had no trail since he always worked for cash. She was devastated. Can you imagine finding out like that? She was so humiliated. They managed to sell their home 2 weeks before foreclosure but they still ended up filing bankruptcy about a year later. It was heart-breaking to watch.

Beth, I hope you don't mind if I ask this...it's in no way a criticism, I'm just curious. :001_smile: I hear about things like this happening, and I'm always amazed and wonder how it happens!

 

Did your sister ever wonder why she never had to sign a prepared tax form?

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In January a family from our church will be losing their home (sheriff sale is set for that month) their children don't know anything (16, 12 & 10 year old) We are pretty honest with our kids and if something like this were going to happen, we would want to prepare them, but I'm just wondering what others have done and if you told your kids and when, or would you?

 

It's odd, because they really haven't cut "every" thing to the bone that I would think could be cut. They still have cable t.v. and internet and are not far from the library, so I would think that would have gotten cut, but everyone has different priorities. I really don't think their 16 year old daughter has a clue.

 

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you and your church are trying to help these people, not just sitting around questioning whether they are handling the details in what you consider an appropriate manner. Given that these are their children, I really think it's their decision when to tell the kids.

 

As to your original question, I would tell my kids we were moving to a place we could better afford and give them time to pack up, but I might wait until after Christmas if I as the mother felt it would be better for them. I have one kid that could handle something like that no problem, in fact he'd be excited about the adventure. I have one that has very strong little roots and is very sentimentally attached to our house and neighborhood and old toys... change is hard for him. So I would be praying and praying how to help him through something like this, and I don't think 2-3 extra months to dwell on it would be positive for him. And it would truly ruin his Christmas. But I would give the kids plenty of time to pack and sort every last belonging and get used to the idea of moving and see the new apartment or room at Grandma's or whatever... I guess probably 2-3 weeks would be best for my root bound child.

 

Personally, if we had to go through foreclosure and/or bankruptcy, I would not tell my children any of the financial details beyond "we're moving to a new place that we can better afford for now, it's going to be an apartment and we'll all be together and we'll be fine no matter where we live." I don't think it's their business and think it would cause them to feel insecure if they felt the big scary bank or sheriff was kicking them out of their beloved home and mom and dad had no power over the situation. I also wouldn't tell people at church though.

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Beth, I hope you don't mind if I ask this...it's in no way a criticism, I'm just curious. :001_smile: I hear about things like this happening, and I'm always amazed and wonder how it happens!

 

Did your sister ever wonder why she never had to sign a prepared tax form?

 

I don't know about her sister's case, obviously, but my guess would be that dh just said/implied that he was signing for her. It's very common for married people to sign each other's signatures - not wise, mind you, but common!

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Oh, :iagree: so very much. Just as it isn't any of my child's business, it isn't the business of the people at church, dh's work, the homeschool group.

 

:iagree:

 

It is a private matter and certainly not fodder for the general populace. We owe our children stability, not to the point of delusion of course, but they don't need to know the whys and wherefores of things they have absolutely no ability to change. Parents should be honest with their children, but that doesn't necessarily imply disclosure of all the "nitty gritty" details.

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We don't have cable, but we do have internet. The only reason we have it is because my FIL pays for it so that my 12yo can do virtual school. We have cell phones, too, which people always use as another "judging" yardstick. However, we share a plan with my father, stepmother, and oldest ds - we do not have a landline. No one has any idea what is really going on in someone else's life. Often people will put on a "show" for the outside world in order to avoid the embarrasment, judgement, and pity that being broke often brings.

 

I had a friend who many people judged because of how she dressed and how much make-up she wore. It didn't matter how kind she was, or what a giving person she was. As it turned out she was being abused by her husband who made her dress a certain way. No one knew.

 

Whenever I start to even think about judging someone (And I'm human, with faults, and sometimes I struggle with judgement), I am reminded of this friend and how no one knew her suffering. They just assumed what seemed to be obvious.

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If your church knows about this I would see if the church as a whole can help this family save their house?

 

Maybe then the parents can tell their children the story of generosity and love from their brothers and sisters in Christ.

 

 

Well....we are in a small poor church, the church already helped the family pay a $750 gas bill (they didn't know it was that much because there was a $300 turn it back on fee) They had been without gas for about three months. Really I've never seen a situation like this one before, it's really messed up. The father quit his job about five years ago(was making 6 figures), had enough to live on for about 2 years, then started selling his stocks, cashing in retirement what not. The mother started working some, the father believes he doesn't have good enough health now to work. The mother has been working as much as she can, but said things were going to have to change and has started giving things away (brought large toys, train table, storage boxes to the church to donate, etc.), according to public records their house will be in sheriff sale, though they haven't actually come out and said anything. Their sister in law says the father's mother is going to buy the house so they can stay there and then make the father come and work in her business (though the father & his mother don't really have a good relationship) Really, there's been too many people enabling things to just take their course (their son was living with them paying some bills and finally got fed up and moved out) It's just a messed up situation all around and I'm trying really not to judge anyone in the family, when they did not have hot water, the wife said to someone else, people didn't have hot water a long time ago and survived. Yet, they had cable/internet? I would choose hot water over that, but that's just me. The priorities are a little screwy.

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Well....we are in a small poor church, the church already helped the family pay a $750 gas bill (they didn't know it was that much because there was a $300 turn it back on fee) They had been without gas for about three months. Really I've never seen a situation like this one before, it's really messed up. The father quit his job about five years ago(was making 6 figures), had enough to live on for about 2 years, then started selling his stocks, cashing in retirement what not. The mother started working some, the father believes he doesn't have good enough health now to work. The mother has been working as much as she can, but said things were going to have to change and has started giving things away (brought large toys, train table, storage boxes to the church to donate, etc.), according to public records their house will be in sheriff sale, though they haven't actually come out and said anything. Their sister in law says the father's mother is going to buy the house so they can stay there and then make the father come and work in her business (though the father & his mother don't really have a good relationship) Really, there's been too many people enabling things to just take their course (their son was living with them paying some bills and finally got fed up and moved out) It's just a messed up situation all around and I'm trying really not to judge anyone in the family, when they did not have hot water, the wife said to someone else, people didn't have hot water a long time ago and survived. Yet, they had cable/internet? I would choose hot water over that, but that's just me. The priorities are a little screwy.

So, did you get all this info from your church? You know a lot about this family, even details that they haven't chosen to speak of. I'm wondering if they know how much their church shares their information?

 

If it were me, I would leave your church running and NEVER look back. Wow.

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So, did you get all this info from your church? You know a lot about this family, even details that they haven't chosen to speak of. I'm wondering if they know how much their church shares their information?

 

If it were me, I would leave your church running and NEVER look back. Wow.

 

:iagree:

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Sounds like they have no reason to tell their kids anyway. Looks like they will be staying in their house.

 

No, I can see the hubby not staying because he has ill feelings for his mother and not a good relationship, he will do just the opposite what she does/wants. We are a small church, I have never told anyone the things that I know, nor will I disclose how I know them. I am involved in our church finances, that's all I wills say about that, I am also very close friends with this lady's family and there is one family member that is stuck between the family and the mother in law, yes I wish I did not know as much as I do, but I do. Plus the whole house sale stuff is on public records, which my dh told me about. No one on here knows me....hence why my name is not public. I am truly not trying to judge them, no matter what anyone on here may think.

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No, I can see the hubby not staying because he has ill feelings for his mother and not a good relationship, he will do just the opposite what she does/wants. We are a small church, I have never told anyone the things that I know, nor will I disclose how I know them. I am involved in our church finances, that's all I wills say about that, I am also very close friends with this lady's family and there is one family member that is stuck between the family and the mother in law, yes I wish I did not know as much as I do, but I do. Plus the whole house sale stuff is on public records, which my dh told me about. No one on here knows me....hence why my name is not public. I am truly not trying to judge them, no matter what anyone on here may think.

I did not mean to be mean, but I know I'm capable of being mean, even when I don't intend to be.

 

Your original question was, would you tell your children if you were going to lose your home (my answer was, after the holidays). Now, though, it seems the thread is more leaning towards judgement on this family, how they spend their money, their situation. Their priorities are their priorities. :shrug: I thought the initial question was a good one, but it seems like it's turning into a bash on "those people."

 

Sorry if I've come over as mean again.

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I was just trying to say that the church has helped this family. Someone posted that the church should come together to prevent this. Our church did help a single mom in need for several months. Our church judt is small though and we can't even afforfd to pay our pastor who works full time on the side. Not all churches are wealthy.

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I was just trying to say that the church has helped this family. Someone posted that the church should come together to prevent this. Our church did help a single mom in need for several months. Our church judt is small though and we can't even afforfd to pay our pastor who works full time on the side. Not all churches are wealthy.

Ah, I see.

 

I'm sorry.

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