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Would you tell your children if you were going to lose your house?


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In January a family from our church will be losing their home (sheriff sale is set for that month) their children don't know anything (16, 12 & 10 year old) We are pretty honest with our kids and if something like this were going to happen, we would want to prepare them, but I'm just wondering what others have done and if you told your kids and when, or would you?

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It can sometimes be hard to say what I'd do not being in the situation. Perhaps this family is either waiting until after the holidays to tell the kids or maybe they think there is hope? My kids are still young, but if something is going to affect them, I try to prepare them as best as I can.

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Honestly, I'm about to be really judgmental, but the sort of people who might find themselves in that situation might also be the sort of people who aren't being honest enough with themselves to tell their kids. The two issues seem like they might be related.

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Wow. I can only imagine the sense of betrayal I would have felt at 16 if something like that had happened and I was left completely out of the loop. For the younger children, I would think it would be important to prepare for the changes coming up as well, but at 16? I think I would have been so incredibly *angry* if my parents had kept something like that from me...

 

I *can* understand waiting to tell kids while I still thought there was hope of altering the situation. But once only a miracle could intervene? The kids need to know. They don't have to know every detail, but they need time to prepare mentally and emotionally for the changes that are coming.

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Okay, I just had to tell you that I read the title of this post as "Would you SELL your children if you were going to lose your house?" I was horrified LOL! Your house or your children? Hmmm....let's weigh both options.

 

I'm really glad to know that no one is selling their children.

 

That aside, I would definitely tell them ahead of time. It would be scary to suddenly have your house taken away and not know what is going on. Kids need stability.

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Honestly, I'm about to be really judgmental, but the sort of people who might find themselves in that situation might also be the sort of people who aren't being honest enough with themselves to tell their kids. The two issues seem like they might be related.

 

Maybe, maybe not. With 12.5% unemployment, there are quite a number of folks who are losing their homes because of unanticipated changes in their financial situation. My cousin and his wife came very close to losing their home last year when they both were unemployed for an extended period. They have a "plain vanilla" 20% down fixed mortgage and bought a house that was affordable on their income at the time. They just had the bad luck to be both out of work for so long at the same time. :(

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Well, I would at least tell dd that we were moving again.

 

If we could no longer pay for the house we have in a different state, it would not affect dd I probably wouldn't tell her. The person who would need to know then is the renter.

 

If we no longer could pay the rent on the house we are in, I'd have us move out to something less expensive before the sheriff shows up to kick us out.

 

I imagine I'd do the same if it were a mortgage. At her age I'd simply tell her that we could no longer afford to keep the house and we need to move to a less expensive house. Dd is a worrier. She lost sleep over 2012 when I joked with dh about stocking up on groceries.

 

 

ETA: The more I think about this, the more I'm coming to realize that my finances are not any of dd's business. I can't imagine discussing them too much with a child. Other than to say no to a purchase because it isn't in the budget, we don't discuss finances with her.

Edited by Parrothead
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In January a family from our church will be losing their home (sheriff sale is set for that month) their children don't know anything (16, 12 & 10 year old) We are pretty honest with our kids and if something like this were going to happen, we would want to prepare them, but I'm just wondering what others have done and if you told your kids and when, or would you?

 

I think that's terrible. Absolutely terrible.

 

My sister has been living a lie for decades. Her husband doesn't make enough money for them to live in the home they live in AND live the lifestyle they do. Yet my sister buys her kids all designer clothing, gets them all the latest in technology, takes expensive vacations every year, etc. She prides herself in saying that they've never let their kids know how tight money is. They filed for bankruptcy last year and in September their house went into pre foreclosure. I hope they can stay there through the holidays.

 

In my opinion, they were living a lie and they did this to their kids. I think it's SO wrong.

 

She, on the other hand, thinks that my being honest about money is too much on my kids. Whether we have a lot of extra or none, I'm frugal. I hate shopping and I don't buy my kids everything they want. I think I'm being responsible. Every now and then I splurge on something big (I'm looking at blown glass art wall sculptures for our addition at the moment!) but I rarely do.

 

I just think it's irresponsible. How will they eventually break the news?

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Well, I have been in this situation, and yes, we told our children even though they were very young. They were 11yo, 6yo and 3yo, but they needed to know what was going on. I mean.....we didn't have anywhere to go but we were packing the house.....how could they not know? I can't imagine not saying anything.

 

In our situation, dh was a pastor and was leaving a church, but they decided they didn't want to wait the amount of time he had given them (standard notice) and told him they wanted us out of the parsonage by the end of the month (Nov). It was just meanness on their part. They didn't have another pastor coming in or anything. Did I mention 'Christians' can be incredibly nasty to their pastors and to each other?

 

Anyhow, we were looking all over for a place to rent.....God is good and He came through. We found a house on the LAST DAY we were supposed to be out. No way we could have waited until after the holidays, unfortunately. It works that way sometimes.

 

I can't imagine a family that wouldn't share things like this with each other. I know they exist, but it's still hard to imagine. Looking back, it's hard to image that Christians would treat other Christians (or just ANYone) like we were treated. Well, I guess I'd never really analyzed it before. We were flung into survival mode and we survived. Why analyze? Just live.

Edited by Katia
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I think that's terrible. Absolutely terrible.

 

My sister has been living a lie for decades. Her husband doesn't make enough money for them to live in the home they live in AND live the lifestyle they do. Yet my sister buys her kids all designer clothing, gets them all the latest in technology, takes expensive vacations every year, etc. She prides herself in saying that they've never let their kids know how tight money is. They filed for bankruptcy last year and in September their house went into pre foreclosure. I hope they can stay there through the holidays.

 

In my opinion, they were living a lie and they did this to their kids. I think it's SO wrong.

 

She, on the other hand, thinks that my being honest about money is too much on my kids. Whether we have a lot of extra or none, I'm frugal. I hate shopping and I don't buy my kids everything they want. I think I'm being responsible. Every now and then I splurge on something big (I'm looking at blown glass art wall sculptures for our addition at the moment!) but I rarely do.

 

I just think it's irresponsible. How will they eventually break the news?

Ah, but, (like I just posted) they may want to wait until AFTER the holidays.

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It can sometimes be hard to say what I'd do not being in the situation. Perhaps this family is either waiting until after the holidays to tell the kids or maybe they think there is hope? My kids are still young, but if something is going to affect them, I try to prepare them as best as I can.

I'm really surprised that this isn't being assumed by more people.

Honestly, I'm about to be really judgmental, but the sort of people who might find themselves in that situation might also be the sort of people who aren't being honest enough with themselves to tell their kids. The two issues seem like they might be related.

:iagree: You were.

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Yes I would tell my children...ages 12, 9 and 4....I may leave out the financial end of things because of their ages on my end, but they do need to know, it's THEIR home too! It's their security, their place of peace! I surely would NOT wait until a sheriff is at the door, or they find a note sticking to the door. Regardless of age, children need to know things that will turn their little worlds upside down. To us it may not be a big deal, but to them, it's may be everything!!

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I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they don't want to ruin the kids holidays (if it is toward the end of Jan they will have a month to prepare).

 

They may also be waiting to work out a plan so that they can tell the kids, "We are losing the house but we will be doing x, y, and z."

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In January a family from our church will be losing their home (sheriff sale is set for that month) their children don't know anything (16, 12 & 10 year old) We are pretty honest with our kids and if something like this were going to happen, we would want to prepare them, but I'm just wondering what others have done and if you told your kids and when, or would you?

 

This happened to me when I was 15, also in January. I was told after a Santa-threw-up-in-the-living-room Christmas (and I still resent the holidays). I knew something was up, because I was the one served the paperwork before leaving for school, but I didn't read it and didn't know the details. One day, my mom said, "Pack up, we're moving in a week."

 

When to tell the kids really isn't as important as how to tell them. It sounds silly compared to the awful childhood situations others have had, but the foreclosure was one of the most damaging events in my life. I didn't need to know the financial specifics, but I did need to know it was okay to ask questions and talk about it. The vibe I got from my mom was to pretend it never happened. That loss of trust and security is so hard to rebuild. As evidenced by my aversion to gift shopping, I'm still working on it.

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Honestly, I'm about to be really judgmental, but the sort of people who might find themselves in that situation might also be the sort of people who aren't being honest enough with themselves to tell their kids. The two issues seem like they might be related.

 

Wow.

 

There but for the grace of G-d, go I.

 

My dh has been laid off several times in the last three years. We had to sell everything we owned and drag our kids across country for a lousy paying job. He was lucky to get it. After we got here he was laid off two more times. We have not filed bankruptcy be we sure have thought about it. Now, I know what people like you would think of us. However, you'd be wrong - we are the "sort of people" who were honest with our kids every time. As horribly hard as it was.

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Wow.

 

There but for the grace of G-d, go I.

 

My dh has been laid off several times in the last three years. We had to sell everything we owned and drag our kids across country for a lousy paying job. He was lucky to get it. After we got here he was laid off two more times. We have not filed bankruptcy be we sure have thought about it. Now, I know what people like you would think of us. However, you'd be wrong - we are the "sort of people" who were honest with our kids every time. As horribly hard as it was.

 

I'm sure YOU weren't the type of "people" she was talking about. Neither was I.

 

BTW, right before my sister filed for bankruptcy, she charged up EVERY credit card to the limit and redecorated her house. It really angers me!

 

Honest people falling on hard times break our hearts. I'm sorry you have experienced tough times.:grouphug:

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I would tell them. Children that age are old enough to grasp some of the situation. There must be some tension in the household due to the stress of the financial situation. Kids sense stress & not knowing why the stress is there will affect their holiday. How can the holidays not be shadowed by the foreclosure? Only if the adults are pretending the foreclosure doesn't exist. Will the foreclosure mean a change of schools for the kids? This is a big change for them & very unfair to not prepare them, especially the eldest who would be returning to school after the holidays to face mid-term exams.

 

Dh was made redundant on 31 Aug. We have been upfront with our dc about our finances & how not having an income will change how we currently live. Both dh & I have been looking for work, but neither of us has been successful in getting a job. It's especially unfair not to be honest with teens as they need to learn the realities of family budgets, etc.

 

JMHO,

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Maybe, maybe not. With 12.5% unemployment, there are quite a number of folks who are losing their homes because of unanticipated changes in their financial situation. My cousin and his wife came very close to losing their home last year when they both were unemployed for an extended period. They have a "plain vanilla" 20% down fixed mortgage and bought a house that was affordable on their income at the time. They just had the bad luck to be both out of work for so long at the same time. :(

 

There are people who have been hit by bad luck or illnesses. But I can also remember listening to people who were expecting to soon be hit with layoffs who were planning to keep Christmas as extravagant as ever to to visit Disney World because they felt like their family "deserved" it because they'd been under stress. Or they wanted to shield their kids from the effects of the loss of income because "it wasn't their fault".

 

I remember when my dad was laid off from a company he'd worked for for almost 20 years. My mom worked three part time jobs and my dad was working on farms driving equipment and driving a semi (which was quite a change from his door plant supervisor job) or buying, fixing and selling tractors and bulldozers.

 

I'm glad that I knew what was happening. I think especially the older teens should know, so they can help with family economies.

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I would tell them we were moving, but not that we were losing the home. I wouldn't want them to start worrying about finances unneccesarily. My kids already worry about that stuff, without the risk of losing their home(it's what happens when you are a poor single parent family) and I work very hard to keep the true nature of our finances away from them. So I would not tell them we were losing it because I wouldn't want them to worry that the next home would be lost too. Rather I would tell them we were moving, I would probably even tell them we were moving to a place we could afford better, but not that we lost the current home kwim

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I agree with SwellMomma to a "T".

 

Our adult worries about finances should not weigh heavily on our children's minds. They will have their own time in life to worry about (or not hopefully).

 

Can I teach my children about being frugal and being on a budget without telling them that we are scrambling to figure out how to pay an exorbitant electric bill? Yes, I sure can.

 

Can I teach my children that they can not have everything they want and they should appreciate what they have, without telling them we are unsure what kind of Christmas we may have as far as gifts this year? Yes, I sure can.

 

If I were in that situation, I would start telling my children that we are probably moving, to a house that is better for our budget. I would not tell them our house is "being taken". Or any other scary details.

 

For the most part, I do not tell my children about our family finances although I do teach them about a budget and unneccessary spending. They know that we do not go out and buy, buy, buy. Yet they probably do not know how much we have struggled in certain times.

Edited by Samiam
spelling typos, ick!
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I would tell them we were moving, but not that we were losing the home. I wouldn't want them to start worrying about finances unneccesarily. My kids already worry about that stuff, without the risk of losing their home(it's what happens when you are a poor single parent family) and I work very hard to keep the true nature of our finances away from them. So I would not tell them we were losing it because I wouldn't want them to worry that the next home would be lost too. Rather I would tell them we were moving, I would probably even tell them we were moving to a place we could afford better, but not that we lost the current home kwim

 

:iagree:

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In January a family from our church will be losing their home (sheriff sale is set for that month) their children don't know anything (16, 12 & 10 year old) We are pretty honest with our kids and if something like this were going to happen, we would want to prepare them, but I'm just wondering what others have done and if you told your kids and when, or would you?

Honestly, with kids those ages, I don't understand why there's even a question of when to tell them? :confused:

 

I would have had many and frequent conversations with my kids regarding our poor financial situation, and a move would have been mentioned as a possible option long ago. How do you cut your budget to the bone, and *not* disclose the reason why, or emphasize how severe the possible ramifications might be?

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BTW, right before my sister filed for bankruptcy, she charged up EVERY credit card to the limit and redecorated her house.

 

 

 

That is fraud and I am simply amazed that their bankruptcy was "approved." I have known no less than 6 families who have ended up having to file for bankruptcy in recent years. Their every financial move was critically analyzed for the 6 months prior to filing and then some.

 

In terms of the OP, what a lousy situation. :( I am sorry for that family. I would tend to think they are waiting until after the holidays. Whether or not I would do the same is beside the point. If that is what they are doing, I can't fault them for it, even if I might choose otherwise.

 

Our dc know that we are living on a strict budget. They know money is tight but they also know they need never worry about having food, housing, or clothing. It is a balance. And IMO, that balance varies from family to family. Some families are very open about finances, some are very private. (In regards to dc knowing.) I know for us, we are way more open with our ds(16) and dd(14) than we are with the "littles." But I doubt we will ever be totally open with our dd(10) as she is a very serious personality prone to deep worry. That has to be taken into account.

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Honestly, with kids those ages, I don't understand why there's even a question of when to tell them? :confused:

 

I would have had many and frequent conversations with my kids regarding our poor financial situation, and a move would have been mentioned as a possible option long ago. How do you cut your budget to the bone, and *not* disclose the reason why, or emphasize how severe the possible ramifications might be?

 

It's odd, because they really haven't cut "every" thing to the bone that I would think could be cut. They still have cable t.v. and internet and are not far from the library, so I would think that would have gotten cut, but everyone has different priorities. I really don't think their 16 year old daughter has a clue.

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they may, but if it were me, I'd feel so betrayed. Have a great holiday, and then WHAMMO, we're losing our house? :001_huh: I can understand to a point, but I wouldn't do that to my kids. I think they deserve the truth.

I think they deserve the truth as well, but I wouldn't want that hanging over their heads during the holidays. The other poster, whose mother said to pack up they were moving, I think she had a very good point too. A lot is in how you tell them.

 

We've 'lost' our home in a hurricane and it was WHAMMO. Even with WHAMMO and little ones (older ds was 2/3) they still manage to make it through. In a case like this, where we had time to deliver the news, we would be careful to pick what we thought was the optimal moment (after the holidays).

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Our adult worries about finances should not weigh heavily on our children's minds.

I think I can be honest with my children without burdening them.

 

We were in a position a few years ago in which we thought we might lose our house due to DH's sudden job loss (along with thousands of other employees) in an area with an already depressed housing market and nonexistent career possibilities for DH.

 

After a few days of freaking out, I had an epiphany. It is just stuff. The house, all the stuff in it . . . it is just stuff. I knew we'd find a place to live, even if it meant moving in with family. Almost immediately, the threat of losing our stuff lost its power over me.

 

I think I could have conveyed all of this to my kids in a way that wouldn't have frightened them. With younger children, I might gloss over the details. But with kids as old as the ones described in the OP, I'd be completely honest. And I probably wouldn't wait until after the holidays either, because I'd feel as if I was deceiving them by waiting.

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We can talk out the wazoo about all of these "people we know" who made a mess of their finances or have poor character, but the fact is that we *don't* know the family in question here. To bring up the possibility that they may have made unwise decisions or been purposely irresponsible is totally unnecessary.

 

As for the actual question asked, I say that the parents should tell the kids and be upfront, even honest about some of the general reasons why they need to move, but remain positive and assure the children that this is something mom and dad WILL handle and work out, that they don't need to take on the burden of worrying. I'd also assure them that we'd keep them in the loop about how things are happening! It's terrible for kids to be told something like that and then left hanging, hoping that things will get better but not having enough communication about it to reassure them.

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It's odd, because they really haven't cut "every" thing to the bone that I would think could be cut. They still have cable t.v. and internet and are not far from the library, so I would think that would have gotten cut, but everyone has different priorities. I really don't think their 16 year old daughter has a clue.

You know, these two items are often tied into a packaged deal, or even attached to the phone service in a packaged deal, with 2-3yr contracts. If you drop the contract there is a huge fee (several hundred dollars) and it can count further against your credit. I wouldn't assume too much; truth is, you really do not know EVERYTHING about their situation.

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In January a family from our church will be losing their home (sheriff sale is set for that month) their children don't know anything (16, 12 & 10 year old) We are pretty honest with our kids and if something like this were going to happen, we would want to prepare them, but I'm just wondering what others have done and if you told your kids and when, or would you?

 

I would tell the kids. I'd have told them before it became a certainty. It might explain my attitude (if I were stressed) or my withdrawal (to phone banks, lendors, etc.) in a way that also served as an example (good or bad) as how to react in stressful situations and being under the water.

 

I have never carried any debt other than a car payment, and have never had a home or car foreclosed upon ... but I did struggle financially as a single parent on unpaid leave on and off over several years. I was very matter-of-fact in sharing our situation with my kids, who were considerably younger than the kids referenced in the OP.

 

I didn't present it as the sky was falling, and they didn't take it such. It was more "this is how it is for now, and this is my plan of action" type of a conversation. I even asked for ideas from them, and solicited ways they could help stretch what we had. It was a problem-solving thing that involved all of us because the problem involved all of us. Money is a finite amount, and they needed to know that lack of it going to drive changes to our lifestyle. There is only so much green to go around, you know?

 

And again, I don't use credit or charge cards so they knew those weren't options for us. I've heard their peers suggest to their own parents that they just "put it on your credit card" when they've been told there isn't money available for x.

 

My MIL is a worrier. My FIL keeps these things even from her because they truly cause her stress, emotional resulting in physical. I don't necessarily agree with it, but I see where he is coming from (concern, not control). I think these type of discussions really depend on the personalities involved. If the kids are worrywarts or prone to stress with or without positive coping mechanisms in place - what good would come of sharing such unfortunate news? It might be easier for the family to tackle each problem as it arises, rather than create new ones more quickly in the name of full disclosure. I don't know.

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Honestly, I'm about to be really judgmental, but the sort of people who might find themselves in that situation might also be the sort of people who aren't being honest enough with themselves to tell their kids. The two issues seem like they might be related.

 

Wow.

 

Um, come live in Michigan for a while. You might lose that judgmental attitude.

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You know, these two items are often tied into a packaged deal, or even attached to the phone service in a packaged deal, with 2-3yr contracts. If you drop the contract there is a huge fee (several hundred dollars) and it can count further against your credit. I wouldn't assume too much; truth is, you really do not know EVERYTHING about their situation.

 

We don't have cable, but we do have internet. The only reason we have it is because my FIL pays for it so that my 12yo can do virtual school. We have cell phones, too, which people always use as another "judging" yardstick. However, we share a plan with my father, stepmother, and oldest ds - we do not have a landline. No one has any idea what is really going on in someone else's life. Often people will put on a "show" for the outside world in order to avoid the embarrasment, judgement, and pity that being broke often brings.

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I haven't read all the responses, so this thread could have turned, but here's my input.

 

An neighbor from about 6 or 7 moves ago lost their house. They had six kids. He told care of all the bills and kept her out of the bills. At one point he just stopped paying the morgage. He never told her. She new they were tight on money, but had no idea about the mortgage.

 

She only found out how bad it was in the days before they were evicted. About two days later a Sheriffs deputy showed up. Each child was given a large black leaf and lawn garbage bag and told to pack it with whatever they wanted and what would fit. That night they slept on a grandparent's floor. There kids ranged from mid elementray to high school.

 

The kids were tramatized. They lost everything. This wasn't just a move where they have to make new friends or something. They lost possessions that had meaning and security to them. They lost trust and in their parents. They had issues in school from that point on. It damaged their family extremely.

 

I'm sure part of the damage was due to the mother's complete shock and her response and attitude. Yes the mom should have had more of a clue about what was going on, but he apparently worked hard to keep her from knowing how bad it was. But whether she knew or not, not telling those kids, and being able to prepare them somewhat, messed those kids up.

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I haven't read all the responses, so this thread could have turned, but here's my input.

 

An neighbor from about 6 or 7 moves ago lost their house. They had six kids. He told care of all the bills and kept her out of the bills. At one point he just stopped paying the morgage. He never told her. She new they were tight on money, but had no idea about the mortgage.

 

She only found out how bad it was in the days before they were evicted. About two days later a Sheriffs deputy showed up. Each child was given a large black leaf and lawn garbage bag and told to pack it with whatever they wanted and what would fit. That night they slept on a grandparent's floor. There kids ranged from mid elementray to high school.

 

The kids were tramatized. They lost everything. This wasn't just a move where they have to make new friends or something. They lost possessions that had meaning and security to them. They lost trust and in their parents. They had issues in school from that point on. It damaged their family extremely.

 

I'm sure part of the damage was due to the mother's complete shock and her response and attitude. Yes the mom should have had more of a clue about what was going on, but he apparently worked hard to keep her from knowing how bad it was. But whether she knew or not, not telling those kids, and being able to prepare them somewhat, messed those kids up.

 

:iagree: My dc lost pets and a way of life, not just a house. They knew it was coming 7 months before it was done, but it didn't make that last day at the house any easier. We're going back to NC in a few weeks to visit, and my boys want to go back to see our old house and a friend they left behind. We just can't do it - the pain is still raw almost 2 years later.

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I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they don't want to ruin the kids holidays (if it is toward the end of Jan they will have a month to prepare).

 

They may also be waiting to work out a plan so that they can tell the kids, "We are losing the house but we will be doing x, y, and z."

:iagree:

Our adult worries about finances should not weigh heavily on our children's minds. They will have their own time in life to worry about (or not hopefully).

 

Can I teach my children about being frugal and being on a budget without telling them that we are scrambling to figure out how to pay an exorbitant electric bill? Yes, I sure can.

 

Can I teach my children that they can not have everything they want and they should appreciate what they have, without telling them we are unsure what kind of Christmas we may have as far as gifts this year? Yes, I sure can.

 

If I were in that situation, I would start telling my children that we are probably moving, to a house that is better for our budget. I would not tell them our house is "being taken". Or any other scary details.

 

For the most part, I do not tell my children about our family finances although I do teach them about a budget and unneccessary spending. They know that we do not go out and buy, buy, buy. Yet they probably do not know how much we have struggled in certain times.

:iagree:

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