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Friends want us to come to their private school open house


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and I don't really want to. Do I beg off politely, do I tell them I'm not interested, do we gird our loins and go?

 

I deal with salesman by turning away. When it is people I like, it is harder for me to know what to do. (This BTW is the family I have a secret homeschool wish for....they would be so good at it, and it would spare them at least 45K a year.)

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Why do they want you to come? From your reference to salesmen I get the feeling that it is to entice you to enroll your son. In that case, I agree with Heather. But - I do have some close friends who consider me an "aunt" to their child. They would want me to come to something like that so that I could share in what their child is doing. In that case, I would gird up my loins and go.

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Why do they want you to come? From your reference to salesmen I get the feeling that it is to entice you to enroll your son. In that case, I agree with Heather. But - I do have some close friends who consider me an "aunt" to their child. They would want me to come to something like that so that I could share in what their child is doing. In that case, I would gird up my loins and go.

:iagree: I'd need to know why they wanted me to attend, first.

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They would want me to come to something like that so that I could share in what their child is doing. In that case, I would gird up my loins and go.

 

I think that is what it is, but what if my son feels the teacher is cute or the playground awesome, and starts to pine. I fear that.

 

It is very expensive, plus I moved to a decent, small public district as I thought if I do stop homeschooling, I don't want him to be subjected to the company of such rich kids. The materialism is terrifying, and he would be an outsider. Long I will remember being called "the pig farmer's daughter" in school, for even though I went to Europe many times as a child, had a professor for a father, and lived in a house of Oriental rugs and antique silver, I didn't "dress" to show money.

 

If I say I'm worried my kid will pick up some fun part and start to pine, I fear I'll sound like a crazy homeschooler.

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I think that is what it is, but what if my son feels the teacher is cute or the playground awesome, and starts to pine. I fear that.

 

It is very expensive, plus I moved to a decent, small public district as I thought if I do stop homeschooling, I don't want him to be subjected to the company of such rich kids. The materialism is terrifying, and he would be an outsider. Long I will remember being called "the pig farmer's daughter" in school, for even though I went to Europe many times as a child, had a professor for a father, and lived in a house of Oriental rugs and antique silver, I didn't "dress" to show money.

 

If I say I'm worried my kid will pick up some fun part and start to pine, I fear I'll sound like a crazy homeschooler.

 

Go without your son. He can have a "boys night out" with Dad instead.:)

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and I don't really want to. Do I beg off politely, do I tell them I'm not interested, do we gird our loins and go?

 

I deal with salesman by turning away. When it is people I like, it is harder for me to know what to do. (This BTW is the family I have a secret homeschool wish for....they would be so good at it, and it would spare them at least 45K a year.)

You said "I don't really want to". Maybe you could say something like " I won't be making it to the open house but let's get together for coffee at such and such time" if you are so inclined.

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All you have to say is, "I'm so sorry but I can't make it. Thanks for asking." You aren't required to say why or anything. If she pushes, you just keep saying "I'm so sorry but I can't make it. Thanks for asking."

 

I guess this is what I am asking. This would be what we called a "white lie" when I was a kid. I am happy using such props with car salesman or intruding strangers, but I have a hard time doing this to people I sort of think I should be comfortable with....do other people use this happily and shamelessly with friends?

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Go without your son. He can have a "boys night out" with Dad instead.:)

 

Yup, you could say the "boys" are busy doing whatever but I wanted to come because I am always interested what is considered cutting edge education in this day and age. ;) But I suppose that would also be a white lie since you said you don't want to go.

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From Ellie

"All you have to say is, "I'm so sorry but I can't make it. Thanks for asking." You aren't required to say why or anything. If she pushes, you just keep saying "I'm so sorry but I can't make it. Thanks for asking."

 

 

 

I guess this is what I am asking. This would be what we called a "white lie" when I was a kid. I am happy using such props with car salesman or intruding strangers, but I have a hard time doing this to people I sort of think I should be comfortable with....do other people use this happily and shamelessly with friends?

 

It seems a little distant acting in my opinion, if these are people you are wanting to be close friends with.It's not WRONG, just not the way to communicate if you are wanting a warm close relationship with them.That type of response would be something I would expect from someone that wanted to keep me at a distance. I think showing more warmth, if you care about these people would be better. No need to lie, I think people generally understand we all have just a limited supply of time and energy. You can still let them know you won't be coming,after all you do need to spend some time at home with your son and spouse. Let them know you would love to get together with them another time and set that up.

Edited by Miss Sherry
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I guess this is what I am asking. This would be what we called a "white lie" when I was a kid. I am happy using such props with car salesman or intruding strangers, but I have a hard time doing this to people I sort of think I should be comfortable with....do other people use this happily and shamelessly with friends?

 

Well, you could go with, "I'm sorry; that won't work for me." You don't have to specify in what exact way that wouldn't work. :lol:

 

If it's for a sales pitch, honestly, I'd be a little offended if a person who knew I homeschool and was a "friend" was urging me to go. I guess you could say she has a secret private school wish for you. :lol:

 

OTOH, if she considers you interested in education because you homeschool, and it's more informational than salesman-y, then it might be interesting to go. But I agree with the others--go sans hubby and son. Who knows, it might help you gird up your loins to continue homeschooling! :001_huh: I know I remembered touring a daycare one time and it reinforced my desire to quit work to be with my children full time. :D

 

But the bottom line is that if you don't wanna, then you don't wanna. Life's too short to go to something even if you don't want to.

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Guest Dulcimeramy

I've said to friends that "at this stage of my homeschooling journey I can't quite take time to wrap my head around the workings of private (or public) schools. I've got my head down and I'm doing what I'm doing, so thanks for the invite but I'll sit this one out."

 

(I used the same speech when I was attachment parenting my babies and church friends insisted I go to a Babywise conference. "No thanks, I'm pretty caught up in the way I'm doing this, and it takes all of my concentration so I'm not really up for being distracted by an alternative right now.")

 

People who mind, won't matter, and people who matter, won't mind.

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If it's for a sales pitch, honestly, I'd be a little offended if a person who knew I homeschool and was a "friend" was urging me to go. I guess you could say she has a secret private school wish for you. :lol:

 

 

But the bottom line is that if you don't wanna, then you don't wanna. Life's too short to go to something even if you don't want to.

 

I think their son just wants to show my son this big part of his life. The day we could go is the school open house, otherwise we couldn't visit.

I guess these people on are on the level of "the white lie" for me, but I have always disliked telling such fibs, and perhaps that is why I have a (very) few close friends and many passing acquaintances and almost no one in between.:) (I even hate lies of omission....I recall a work party where one of the spouses had a bit too much to drink and started spouting. He made a comment that all homeless people ought to be taken out and shot. I, to the HORROR of my socially-conformist exHUB, calmly replied, "The trouble with that line of thinking, Kenny, is the next group they'll take out and shoot are men in big pick-ups whose pants are too tight." (You can guess what he drove and what he wore.) It busted up the party. Everyone fled in 5 minutes. Even the various people who always claimed they HATED it when Kenny drank and spouted off.)

 

I was a complete chicken and just invited them over for waffles on Sunday, and didn't even mention the school bit....hopefully they will take the hint.

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He made a comment that all homeless people ought to be taken out and shot. I, to the HORROR of my socially-conformist exHUB, calmly replied, "The trouble with that line of thinking, Kenny, is the next group they'll take out and shoot are men in big pick-ups whose pants are too tight." (You can guess what he drove and what he wore.) It busted up the party. Everyone fled in 5 minutes. Even the various people who always claimed they HATED it when Kenny drank and spouted off.)

 

'

Wow!! What balls you had!! At first I gasped... then I laughed... Wow! Hope he remembered that the next morning!!

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I guess this is what I am asking. This would be what we called a "white lie" when I was a kid. I am happy using such props with car salesman or intruding strangers, but I have a hard time doing this to people I sort of think I should be comfortable with....do other people use this happily and shamelessly with friends?

Why would it be any kind of "lie"??? :confused: You can't make it because you don't want to. You're not obligated in any way to give a reason for not going.

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I guess these people on are on the level of "the white lie" for me, but I have always disliked telling such fibs, and perhaps that is why I have a (very) few close friends and many passing acquaintances and almost no one in between.:) (I even hate lies of omission....

 

Well, perhaps you will decide that maybe I'm not so truthful, but I feel that having tact isn't necessarily lying. I do not say everything that comes into my mind, for instance, even if it would be truthful. So I don't blurt out to someone, "My, your breath stinks." But if someone were to directly ask me, "Does my breath smell ok?" I would feel that I had to answer truthfully and not evade the question.

 

When it comes to invitations, I may say, "I'm sorry but I cannot attend." and will not say why I can't attend when the truth would hurt that person. But if someone were to push it and say "Why can't you come?" I would apologetically say, "I'm sorry but I don't really care for such things."

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Why would it be any kind of "lie"??? :confused: You can't make it because you don't want to. You're not obligated in any way to give a reason for not going.

I think she is having trouble with saying " I CAN'T make it" when she knows she can. I think if she can let herself realize that it's O.K. to turn down an invitation even if you CAN come and you do not have to give a reason she will be O.K. Some people have been conditioned since childhood not to tell untruths to the point that it hurts their conscience even to leave out information, which most people would think was an O.K. thing to do.

 

To the OP - Try to give yourself permission to say no even though you CAN do something. Remind yourself you are not obligated to do something just because someone asked you. I have found that it is better NOT to go to something when I really do not want to because I have found when I am not wanting to be somewhere I am not very good company for the other person anyway. But I understand that does not necessarily apply to you or others.

It is not dishonest to turn down an invitation that you are able to go to. It is just admitting that you have human limitations and are giving yourself permission to make a different choice. There's no need to even hide that from the person extending the invitation. But I do think others enjoy knowing that we appreciate they thought enough of us to invite us.There's no sense in being stern in turning down an invitation. Also, I see no need to think they had any sort of bad motive in inviting you, as someone has suggested. Besides, who cares if someone wants you to be interested in their private school. It's not like they can make you send your child anyway. :lol:

Edited by Miss Sherry
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"I can't come" and "I can't make it" are not the same thing.

 

"I can't come" could be for any reason at all - including that you don't think it would be the right thing for you to do. As in "I can't just steal that!" or 'I can't skip church on Christmas." Things that you obviously can do but won't.

 

"I can't make it" implies a schedule conflict out of your control.

 

If they're reasonably good friends, I would just tell them we are happy with homeschooling and don't see how visiting this school would be beneficial to your ds. Why open the $45,000 can of worms? If they won't understand that, or don't care what you think is best for your son, stick with "I can't come."

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It sounds like their son wants to show your son his school. What about putting together some stuff that your son could show him, things you've done with homeschooling? Invite them to your "open house" and maybe you'll interest them in homeschooling (and counteract anything your ds might see at the school that looks fun.) Just an idea.

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and I don't really want to. Do I beg off politely, do I tell them I'm not interested, do we gird our loins and go?

 

I deal with salesman by turning away. When it is people I like, it is harder for me to know what to do. (This BTW is the family I have a secret homeschool wish for....they would be so good at it, and it would spare them at least 45K a year.)

 

Just putting this out there: We were invited to an Open House for a Private school that the son of a couple we know attends. The couple who invited us were upfront about it and told us they were inviting us b/c for every guest they brought, they would receive $100. off their son's book fee.

 

Could it be something like that?

Edited by MariannNOVA
typo
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Just putting this out there: We were invited to an Open House for a Private school that the son of a couple we know attends. The couple who invited us were upfront about it and told us they were inviting us b/c for every guest they brought, they would receive $100. of their son's book fee.

 

Could it be something like that?

 

Wow, that so sounds like the "free vacation" when you go tour a timeshare. I wonder what kind of pressure these "guests" get to enroll their kids in the school?!?! Capitalism at it's best, LOL.

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Just putting this out there: We were invited to an Open House for a Private school that the son of a couple we know attends. The couple who invited us were upfront about it and told us they were inviting us b/c for every guest they brought, they would receive $100. off their son's book fee.

 

Could it be something like that?

 

Sorry -- it now reads as it should: $100. off their son's book fee.

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From a different angle:

 

These friends are offering to share a big part of their life with you.

 

Is this a women/family with whom you would like to be closer friends? Perhaps you feel like you are limiting the potential of the friendship by not honoring your internal sense of honesty?

 

What about managing your son's expectations and using this as a teaching experience to see below the surface? He may become intrigued and desirous; he may not. Either way, it's a opportunity to be honest with him about the choices that are out there, what those choices cost (more than financial), why your choice is best for your family.

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Wow, that so sounds like the "free vacation" when you go tour a timeshare. I wonder what kind of pressure these "guests" get to enroll their kids in the school?!?! Capitalism at it's best, LOL.

 

We attended, and actually there wasn't any pressure. :) It was incredibly interesting as the school was begun some years by a group of families who were all homeschooling families BUT did not wish to homeschool beyond 6th grade. In fact, much of what we discuss here on the curric board and some of the topics discussed here on the general board were very much discussed at the Open House. It is a Classical Christian Upper Elementary and High School.

 

As I listened, and read, and spoke with their instructors, I did think what a huge benefit the topics of methodology, etc would be to so many folks where we live who swear by the public school system here.;)

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If I say I'm worried my kid will pick up some fun part and start to pine, I fear I'll sound like a crazy homeschooler.

 

:D I hear you. I would say that we are unable to attend.

 

We attended an Open House for 7th - 12th grade.......there were a number of parents literally dragging their 6th-8th graders from room to room -- the young person could not have looked more disinterested (rolling their eyes as their parents pointed out something they found interesting, dragging their feet,), whining (yes I heard one young lady whining: 'I hate this. When are we leaving?'

 

I do know that for younger children, it will all look like (possibly) so much more fun than homeschooling -- but, truly, imo, that is not the case.

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Just say, "NO" politely and with conviction. I'd make it clear to your friend that you and your dh are COMMITTED to hs'ing and just don't have a desire to visit the school. If she sees that you feel that way and mean it, I'm sure that you will garner some respect from her. Maybe, just maybe, if she sees your solid commitment, she'll want to know more about this thing that means so much to you.

 

Please, dear girl, stop worrying about what she thinks of you if you turn her down. The thing that matters is your strength in following your heart and mind in what is best for your family.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

 

NOTE: I wrote this without reading the whole thread.... After doing so, I still feel the same way though....and I am employed part-time by a private Classical Christian school!! I just feel that if you are happy with hs'ing and are following your own convictions, friends and family need to be taught to respect that decision. Sometimes it is hard to be firm, but it's always worth it in the long run.

Edited by HSMom2One
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I guess this is what I am asking. This would be what we called a "white lie" when I was a kid. I am happy using such props with car salesman or intruding strangers, but I have a hard time doing this to people I sort of think I should be comfortable with....do other people use this happily and shamelessly with friends?

 

If I couldn't get past saying, "I can't go..." when I actually could, just didn't want to, I would say, "I'm sorry. I'm not interested in attending. Since we homeschool, and plan to continue, it just seems counter-productive." But, frankly, I have at times simply said, "I can't go/can't make it/can't find room for it in my schedule," happily and shamelessly, even with good friends. For example, I don't want to go to anyone's Longaberger Basket party, or candle party, or Tastefully Simple party. I'm not interested in any of the merchandise and don't feel like sitting there feeling pressured to buy, become a demonstrator or host a party. So, I say no, I can't make it. If the friend were to really press for a reason, I would say what I just said here: I don't want to feel the pressure to buy and I don't especially like the product.

 

There's nothing wrong with saying no and I don't even think it is necessary to explain.

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I think their son just wants to show my son this big part of his life. The day we could go is the school open house, otherwise we couldn't visit.

I guess these people on are on the level of "the white lie" for me, but I have always disliked telling such fibs, and perhaps that is why I have a (very) few close friends and many passing acquaintances and almost no one in between.:) (I even hate lies of omission....I recall a work party where one of the spouses had a bit too much to drink and started spouting. He made a comment that all homeless people ought to be taken out and shot. I, to the HORROR of my socially-conformist exHUB, calmly replied, "The trouble with that line of thinking, Kenny, is the next group they'll take out and shoot are men in big pick-ups whose pants are too tight." (You can guess what he drove and what he wore.) It busted up the party. Everyone fled in 5 minutes. Even the various people who always claimed they HATED it when Kenny drank and spouted off.)

 

I was a complete chicken and just invited them over for waffles on Sunday, and didn't even mention the school bit....hopefully they will take the hint.

 

Ohhh. So the children are the driver for this invite. Well, then, I'd just decline politely, in whatever way feels honest for you. I very much respect your desire to be honest. I guess I've dealt with so many boundary-crashers that I have decided to stop explaining things to people unless they really want to know.

 

:lol::lol::lol: at your story. You go, girl!

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Just putting this out there: We were invited to an Open House for a Private school that the son of a couple we know attends. The couple who invited us were upfront about it and told us they were inviting us b/c for every guest they brought, they would receive $100. off their son's book fee.

 

Could it be something like that?

 

No, I highly doubt it.

 

The school has a wait-list, and they take "the best", after you pay for expensive testing. The school is not hurting in this economy, but they do want kids who will graduate and apply to the Ivys and Sisters.

 

But, great news-- it conflicts with a well-child visit my son has with the spouse of someone on this board!! Woohoo....I really CAN'T come! Talk about luck.

 

Very interesting, people's different takes on can't vs. won't. I'm a literal person. Can't and won't are different to me, and I, personally, would always prefer the truth, even if it is rough or unkind. I realize not all people feel that way, but I was not aware that people say can't when they mean won't or don't want to, and still feel it is not a white lie.

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'

Wow!! What balls you had!! At first I gasped... then I laughed... Wow! Hope he remembered that the next morning!!

 

Well, Kenny was terrified of me for about 6 months, and then came to the conclusion I wasn't evil, just blunt like him (I, however, had a better (and sober) editor in my brain.) I learned that Kenny supported and loved two step children, and was a generous if somewhat loud friend. He admitted what he said was completely stupid, and we grew to be friends. Later, when his young wife died, it was me who held him in my arms while he wept, right there in the ICU.

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Well, Kenny was terrified of me for about 6 months, and then came to the conclusion I wasn't evil, just blunt like him (I, however, had a better (and sober) editor in my brain.) I learned that Kenny supported and loved two step children, and was a generous if somewhat loud friend. He admitted what he said was completely stupid, and we grew to be friends. Later, when his young wife died, it was me who held him in my arms while he wept, right there in the ICU.

haha I get in trouble for being blunt sometimes too.

 

It's wonderful that you were able to be such a support to your friend when he lost his wife.

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Very interesting, people's different takes on can't vs. won't. I'm a literal person. Can't and won't are different to me, and I, personally, would always prefer the truth, even if it is rough or unkind. I realize not all people feel that way, but I was not aware that people say can't when they mean won't or don't want to, and still feel it is not a white lie.

 

That's interesting, because I would probably say the opposite. I would rather not seem rough or unkind. I don't see being "honest" as a license to say whatever I think. I'd rather say, "I'm sorry, I won't be able to make it to your candle party Friday," than say, "Well, truthfully I can't see any reason to sit in your living room while a lady with too much lipstick sings the virtues of a $50 candle." ;) The later response is not well-taken by most women and believe me, they aren't likely to say, "Well, thank God she was honest!" They'll pretty much think, "Fine, b***h. See if I ever invite you to anything again."

 

I'm sure that you are not like this, but I have a SIL who is always going around telling people the most atrocious things and she uses the "just being honest" card as a foil for the hurt she causes. Her bad example is part of the reason why I came to think as I do about "white lies". I'd rather tell a white lie, or in some cases just omit information, if it isn't of any benefit for a person to know the exact truth.

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"I can't come" and "I can't make it" are not the same thing.

 

"I can't come" could be for any reason at all - including that you don't think it would be the right thing for you to do. As in "I can't just steal that!" or 'I can't skip church on Christmas." Things that you obviously can do but won't.

 

"I can't make it" implies a schedule conflict out of your control.

 

If they're reasonably good friends, I would just tell them we are happy with homeschooling and don't see how visiting this school would be beneficial to your ds. Why open the $45,000 can of worms? If they won't understand that, or don't care what you think is best for your son, stick with "I can't come."

That I don't want to come is the reason that I can't make it.:D

 

It's possible to overthink things.:)

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That's interesting, because I would probably say the opposite. I would rather not seem rough or unkind. I don't see being "honest" as a license to say whatever I think. I'd rather say, "I'm sorry, I won't be able to make it to your candle party Friday," than say, "Well, truthfully I can't see any reason to sit in your living room while a lady with too much lipstick sings the virtues of a $50 candle." ;) The later response is not well-taken by most women and believe me, they aren't likely to say, "Well, thank God she was honest!" They'll pretty much think, "Fine, b***h. See if I ever invite you to anything again."

 

I'm sure that you are not like this, but I have a SIL who is always going around telling people the most atrocious things and she uses the "just being honest" card as a foil for the hurt she causes. Her bad example is part of the reason why I came to think as I do about "white lies". I'd rather tell a white lie, or in some cases just omit information, if it isn't of any benefit for a person to know the exact truth.

But the OP is wanting to be gracious with these people. She's not using being honest as a way of being abrasive at all. I agree that some people are abrasive and cold and call it being "honest". :tongue_smilie: Her issue seems to be that she has a genuine issue with being sensitive to never wanting to tell an untruth, such as saying "I can't" when she really "can" do something. I think she needs to give herself permission to say no, whether she actually can do something or not. :001_smile:

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I understand that. The OP said that her normal policy is to be honest "even if it were rough or unkind." I was providing a counterpoint. :001_smile:

 

No, my normal policy is to want people to honest with me, regardless. The Golden Rule can be modified from do unto others as you would have them do unto you, into Do unto others as they would want done. :001_smile:

 

That said, I realize now I was in a particular kerfluffle over this because these are the people who were so blunt at telling us my husband's judgment was poor (the kayak episode) and that their children could no longer be alone with us, when it became clear, later, the nanny I suspected all along of blaming hubby to save her own rear, WAS probably saving her own rear, as she got fired for drinking and having s*x on the job! So, my relations with them are a bit charged. To say the least.

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