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My mom died 7 wks ago unexpectedly...Not only am I grieving that loss but every week


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there has been something new to deal with.

 

Week 1: Dad informs us kids that he could potentially live until he is 120 (he is 70) so don't be surprised when he gets remarried.

 

Week 2: Dad let's us know he is running for Mayor, going to live in Haiti for 2 years. He is not sleeping.

 

Week 3: Dad rents out an office space to start his campaign.

 

Week 4: Dad tells me he has signed up with e-harmony. He has physical needs....Bleh....TMI... He is still not sleeping well...

 

Week 5: Younger brother finds dad's behavior bizarre. Feels there is no longer a relationship there. Contemplating sending a letter (he lives in different state) saying either change your behavior or else you will have no contact with my family. Dad goes into hospital because of blood pressure.

Dad asks what to do about younger bro. I recommend he gives him some space.

 

Week 6: My dad is thinking about buying a campground...Sends out an email that basically talks about when King David was old he couldn't get warm even with blankets so the servants hunted for a young virgin. They found one and she kept him warm and took of him but they never were intimate. Dad wonders if we can find this for him? Asks the brothers not to fight over her when he is gone.....My younger brother is married. Older is not... Of course, younger brother is upset....This doesn't help the even though Dad is acting weird and it looks like he isn't grieving, that is how he is dealing with mom's death. Please don't cut off relationship plea on my end....

Church member calls me about dad's behavior. They are afraid he will have a stroke. He is doing and saying hurtful things. My dad plans on visiting my younger brother before thanksgiving. It is a 12 hour drive. Dad is finally getting some sleep.

 

Week 7: Church calls again. Wants me to consider having an intervention with my dad, which I should arrange OR I should consider committing him.

Ugh...My brother sent my dad a 9 page letter... I read it.... Some things of course are true but parts are so harsh.... Tells my dad not to bother driving out. If he shows up, he won't be welcome.

 

Every week I have thought, things will settle down. Now I am thinking what will happen this week? This is so hard. I have to grieve losing my mom, grieve that my dad's behavior is bizarre (if I didn't know better I would say the loss of my mom triggered him becoming bi-polar), that my younger brother and dad may not have a relationship... :crying:

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Sounds like he's dealing with depression/anxiety/grief/etc. I would not think that sending letters telling him to "get his act together" would be helpful at all because it doesn't sound like he is coming from a rational place at this time anyways. I agree with the other poster... you need to get him some medical help. Does he have family near him that is helping him out?

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I would have him medically evaluated for physiological issues first, then find a grief support system in the area. I would gently suggest he go have some therapy sessions to go with the grief support. Grief and stress ...ugh.

 

I'm so sorry. My dad fell off the deep end when my mom passed as well. Then maybe 6 months later his physical health fell completely apart.

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I have to grieve losing my mom, grieve that my dad's behavior is bizarre (if I didn't know better I would say the loss of my mom triggered him becoming bi-polar), that my younger brother and dad may not have a relationship... :crying:

 

Maybe not that this triggered your dad into becoming bipolar, maybe your mom was very good at keeping it covered?

 

I'm so sorry for your loss and all you are dealing with. It has to be hard on you and your immediate family.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

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I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this:grouphug:. I agree--get your dad to a doctor There could be so much going on medically that they can handle. As far as the church stuff is concerned, talk to the pastor and his wife about the situation and that it doesn't help when people from the church call to let you know your dad's behavior is bizarre--you already know. Let them know what your thoughts are and ask for support for your family during this time.

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I'm so sorry, I don't have any advice.:grouphug:

 

I have lost both of my parents in the last 3 years. I think it was a blessing for us that we lost our Dad first because while it was really hard on my Mom, she was able to cope and manage day to day life. I don't know what we would have done with my Dad if my Mom had gone first, he would have been a mess.

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Two things: 1) you need professional guidance on how to deal with your dad and best get him into treatment and 2) you need legal help so that you can be appointed his guardian or get power of attorney.

 

Start with your father's physician. Describe the behavior. He's psychotic. That may be temporary if they can get him the proper medications. However, be warned: unless he is dangerous to himself or others, you cannot force him to get treatment. You, however, can get the advice of a psychiatrist on how to best get your dad into treatment. I am SO sorry that your mom's death has triggered this (though it's also possible that she's been kind of covering for him and smoothing things over, but now that she's not here, he's without his advocate and protector.)

 

After talking with a doctor, contact an attorney. Though you can't have your dad committed against his will, you can have him declared incompetent and begin handling his money matters for him. Not sure what health care power of attorney can give you--I believe that he can still refuse treatment, but at least you would be able to have access to his records.

 

Re: your brother. It sounds like he's not thought about mental illness as a possibility, so it seems like your father is just being really contrary and weird. His letter will either not matter (because your dad is out of touch with reality right now) or will escalate things for a while. Perhaps you can talk with your brother, but perhaps it's best to wait until you've talked with a doctor. You will need your brother's support.

 

See if you have a support group for family members of the mentally ill in your area. I believe one acronym is NAMI. They will have good info for you on dealing with your dad's mental illness.

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Write down the record of what you shared with us and get him to a doctor quickly. If you have a gerontologist near you, I have found that they are much more equipped to deal with problems with aging, loss, etc. You might have to be strong and insistent but you could save your dad and the rest of your family in the long run. You just have to do the hard thing, make the appt, and get him there. Ask that the doctor read what you've written when you check in. Also look into Power of Attorney and perhaps talk with an elder law attorney. Praying for you!:grouphug:

Edited by BeckyFL
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Please get your dad to a doctor. It could be depression, it could be the early stages of dementia, or he could of had a stroke. You need to go to the doctor's with him and make sure you have a good coversation with the doctor about you dad's behavior. It could be just grief, but you need to make sure that nothing else is going on.

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry. You are dealing with such a tough situation and your brothers are not helping. :grouphug:

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We dealt with something similar, not these types of symptoms, but similar in other ways, after FIL passed away. Turns out MIL was in early stages of dementia, but with dad, was able to hide it. She just had him do certain things. We don't know if he was aware of it or not. The Dr. also said that his passing also could have caused a quick, sharp decline.

 

Could things have been happening while you mother was still alive, but she was possibly hiding it so as not to worry the children? Or there were mild symptoms that nobody thought much of, but the shock of his wife dying triggered a sharp decline?

 

I haven't read all the responses, so forgive me if it was already mentioned, I just IMMEDIATELY thought of MIL and wanted to pass OUR experience onto you.

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Thanks! I agree, my dad needs to see a doctor. Fortunately, my older brother see my dad everyday. He lives 5 minutes from him. I have considered just calling and leaving information that would be put in his chart regarding behavior changes. I know that depending on who you talk to they may not even listen to me. Or perhaps they would listen but it wouldn't necessarily be put in his chart. Confidentiality and all that....

 

Part of the problem here is that my dad thinks he knows more than the doctors...Again, this is why I think there is something serious going on, more than just grief. He knows everything. I know he has a doctor appointment on the 23rd of Nov. I am going to see if my older brother can go with him since he is already so involved. I know my older bro contacted an attorney about what is going on. However, taking action, isn't that easy. You have to prove that my dad is a harm to self and others. Unfortunately, in talking with the attorney, the type of behavior my dad is exhibiting doesn't fall into that category!

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Rebecca,

 

I am so sorry about your mom. I think I might have missed that if you had posted about it before. :grouphug:

 

This sounds like you need your brothers' support and you're not getting it. That just compounds the problems.

 

I am really sorry and I hope you can somehow get your dad the care he needs.

 

:grouphug:

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People act very strange when people die. It sounds like your dad is dealing with his grief in a way that is making people uncomfortable. I would explain to your brother that this is a huge change for your dad and he has to find his way through.

 

Maybe you could ask him to go to a bereavement support group with you?

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Sounds to me like your dad is in crisis. He could have been unstable while your mom was alive; your mom could have been helping/guiding/moderating his behaviors. . . Or, this could be new. Either way, sounds to me like he needs a psych eval ASAP. He needs help. Your sibs need to understand this -- that he is ill, not evil. Noone should take this bizarre behavior personally.

 

I'd get him into his personal doctor ASAP, and to a psychiatrist ASAP after that. He needs one of his kids (or another close family member) to supervise him & go with him to these DR appts to listen/talk/enforce cooperation.

 

If he won't cooperate with a medical/psych eval, then you might need to try to force the issue. You'd need to talk to an elder law attorney for help doing that if you can't coerce him into cooperating.

 

(((hugs)))

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something doesn't sound right. You should do a medical intervention, and since his church recommended it, perhaps they could be there to help you. This may be some sort of grief process, although it's a highly unusual one for sure. But there may be something serious going on. Sudden personality changes could be that he's having a breakdown, he's having a stroke, or it could be something more serious like a brain tumor, cancerous or not. This really is something that needs to be checked into.

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Humor. It's important. My grandpa went through similar with Lewy Body Dementia.

 

He wandered a hotel naked in the middle of the night and peed in the ice machine.

He would wander the halls of his dementia home in the middle of the night and steal every one's wheel chairs and walkers and throw them out in the yard. While doing it, he would declare that the people using them ought to stand up and stop being pansies.

My grandpa was a small man, and his dementia home room mate was a very large man. They had no capacity to remember whose dresser was whose so they often wore each other's clothes. The roommate would complain all the time that his clothes didn't fit while standing there bulging out of a size S undershirt when he needed an XL. But he would fight and fight until he got the little shirts on.

 

Humor. It'll stop your family from being torn apart. If you don't laugh, it all looks overwhelmingly bad.

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Thanks! I agree, my dad needs to see a doctor. Fortunately, my older brother see my dad everyday. He lives 5 minutes from him. I have considered just calling and leaving information that would be put in his chart regarding behavior changes. I know that depending on who you talk to they may not even listen to me. Or perhaps they would listen but it wouldn't necessarily be put in his chart. Confidentiality and all that....

 

Part of the problem here is that my dad thinks he knows more than the doctors...Again, this is why I think there is something serious going on, more than just grief. He knows everything. I know he has a doctor appointment on the 23rd of Nov. I am going to see if my older brother can go with him since he is already so involved. I know my older bro contacted an attorney about what is going on. However, taking action, isn't that easy. You have to prove that my dad is a harm to self and others. Unfortunately, in talking with the attorney, the type of behavior my dad is exhibiting doesn't fall into that category!

 

Put it in writing and send it to them with your father's name and identifying information on it. cc it to the attorney you are using. Much harder to ignore than a phone call. They have to actively throw away what could be medical evidence.

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Humor. It's important. My grandpa went through similar with Lewy Body Dementia.

 

He wandered a hotel naked in the middle of the night and peed in the ice machine.

He would wander the halls of his dementia home in the middle of the night and steal every one's wheel chairs and walkers and throw them out in the yard. While doing it, he would declare that the people using them ought to stand up and stop being pansies.

My grandpa was a small man, and his dementia home room mate was a very large man. They had no capacity to remember whose dresser was whose so they often wore each other's clothes. The roommate would complain all the time that his clothes didn't fit while standing there bulging out of a size S undershirt when he needed an XL. But he would fight and fight until he got the little shirts on.

 

Humor. It'll stop your family from being torn apart. If you don't laugh, it all looks overwhelmingly bad.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:my mom had Lewy Body Dementia. It's just about the most horrific thing I have ever seen.

 

OP: I COMPLETELY agree with Sputterduck. I laughed with and at my mom all the way to the very end. It's what got me through. Had I lost my humor, I simply could NOT have handled watching my mom go through all she did. After she died, I was so burnt out and sad that it took MONTHS for me to laugh again, but laughter truly WAS the best medicine while going through the worst of it all.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:Can you please update us when you find out what's going on with your father?

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I am SO sorry you're going through this! It must be seriously impeding your own ability to grieve for your mom.

 

Your dad needs some serious help. Are you sure he is not taking some medication that is making him some sort of delusions? I would do what you can to get him to a doctor. Unfortunately there is only so much you can do if he refuses to go.

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We dealt with something similar, not these types of symptoms, but similar in other ways, after FIL passed away. Turns out MIL was in early stages of dementia, but with dad, was able to hide it. She just had him do certain things. We don't know if he was aware of it or not. The Dr. also said that his passing also could have caused a quick, sharp decline.

 

:iagree: to consider this possibility. Unbeknownst to family, my husband's grandma was in early stages of Alzheimer's when she moved form her home to an assisted living apartment. Symptoms seemed to spring up overnight once she was out of her familiar routine.

 

Another possibility is that he's been on medication that you didn't know about and has stopped taking it.

 

Either way, I'm sorry for your troubles. I'd powwow with the sibs and focus on getting him some help instead of responding to the weirdness.

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:iagree: to consider this possibility. Unbeknownst to family, my husband's grandma was in early stages of Alzheimer's when she moved form her home to an assisted living apartment. Symptoms seemed to spring up overnight once she was out of her familiar routine.

 

Another possibility is that he's been on medication that you didn't know about and has stopped taking it.

 

Either way, I'm sorry for your troubles. I'd powwow with the sibs and focus on getting him some help instead of responding to the weirdness.

 

Same happened here with my grandparents. My grandmother died suddenly and my grandfather's early stage Alzheimer's took a dramatic leap forward, seemingly overnight. She'd kept it hidden from us and had dealt with him at home herself. Once she was gone, there was no buffer and Grandpa went crazy with grief. We ended the funeral week with him chasing my mom out of the house with a knife. Needless to say, we got him some help as soon as possible and he managed well in a nursing home until he passed away.

 

Grief does strange things to people with dementia...it is so hard on the rest of us as well, but for those who are already on a downhill slide, it seems to take away their defenses. Please do see a doctor with your dad as soon as possible, and try not to take his behavior to heart until you have a diagnosis. I'd be very surprised if he left the doctor's office without one.

 

:grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss and as well as the pressures with your father.

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there has been something new to deal with.

 

Week 1: Dad informs us kids that he could potentially live until he is 120 (he is 70) so don't be surprised when he gets remarried.

 

Week 2: Dad let's us know he is running for Mayor, going to live in Haiti for 2 years. He is not sleeping.

 

 

Is he getting into the sauce? Some people get disinhibited with booze before they get plastered. Were their any Rx drugs left behind by your mother? There are people who get wired on pain pills.

 

It is unusual to "develop" bipolar at 70. Not impossible, but unusual. With such a change with retention of logic and memory, I wonder about "stuff". Was he ON meds he went off of?

 

:grouphug: What a horrible situation.

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Another possibility, is your dad on any medication that he could be overdosing on, or mixing with something else? Maybe something your mom kept track of before, or in his grief he has mixed up. My mom somehow took too much tylenol 3 and once she was under the influence of it she lost track and kept taking too much. Her gp thought she had rapid onset Alzheimers and it turned out to be overmedication, easily remedied.

 

:grouphug: I know it is so hard to deal with something like this, especially after the loss of your Mom.

 

Blessings,

Mary

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there has been something new to deal with.

 

Week 1: Dad informs us kids that he could potentially live until he is 120 (he is 70) so don't be surprised when he gets remarried.

 

Week 2: Dad let's us know he is running for Mayor, going to live in Haiti for 2 years. He is not sleeping.

 

Week 3: Dad rents out an office space to start his campaign.

 

Week 4: Dad tells me he has signed up with e-harmony. He has physical needs....Bleh....TMI... He is still not sleeping well...

 

Week 5: Younger brother finds dad's behavior bizarre. Feels there is no longer a relationship there. Contemplating sending a letter (he lives in different state) saying either change your behavior or else you will have no contact with my family. Dad goes into hospital because of blood pressure.

Dad asks what to do about younger bro. I recommend he gives him some space.

 

Week 6: My dad is thinking about buying a campground...Sends out an email that basically talks about when King David was old he couldn't get warm even with blankets so the servants hunted for a young virgin. They found one and she kept him warm and took of him but they never were intimate. Dad wonders if we can find this for him? Asks the brothers not to fight over her when he is gone.....My younger brother is married. Older is not... Of course, younger brother is upset....This doesn't help the even though Dad is acting weird and it looks like he isn't grieving, that is how he is dealing with mom's death. Please don't cut off relationship plea on my end....

Church member calls me about dad's behavior. They are afraid he will have a stroke. He is doing and saying hurtful things. My dad plans on visiting my younger brother before thanksgiving. It is a 12 hour drive. Dad is finally getting some sleep.

 

Week 7: Church calls again. Wants me to consider having an intervention with my dad, which I should arrange OR I should consider committing him.

Ugh...My brother sent my dad a 9 page letter... I read it.... Some things of course are true but parts are so harsh.... Tells my dad not to bother driving out. If he shows up, he won't be welcome.

 

Every week I have thought, things will settle down. Now I am thinking what will happen this week? This is so hard. I have to grieve losing my mom, grieve that my dad's behavior is bizarre (if I didn't know better I would say the loss of my mom triggered him becoming bi-polar), that my younger brother and dad may not have a relationship... :crying:

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

My mom passed away last night....my Dad 7 years ago....

 

This sounds like just too much to handle. Your dad sounds like he is going a little nuts...but your brothers are not helping things....Can you plea with them to please just let you heal for a few days before :grouphug:asking you to deal with more major trauma? enough is enough...tell the church people that they should be ministering TO YOU! not intimidating you or telling you what to do. Sounds like you need to turn off your phone....get back in bed put on some cartoons for the kids and get some real rest...and some time to grieve the loss of your Mom.

 

I wish i was there to chase them all away from you!

:grouphug::grouphug:

Faithe

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something doesn't sound right. You should do a medical intervention, and since his church recommended it, perhaps they could be there to help you. This may be some sort of grief process, although it's a highly unusual one for sure. But there may be something serious going on. Sudden personality changes could be that he's having a breakdown, he's having a stroke, or it could be something more serious like a brain tumor, cancerous or not. This really is something that needs to be checked into.

 

:iagree: with this too.....

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Either your mother's death has triggered something causing these symptoms or your mom was covering for your dad and now she is not here to do this.

 

His grief could be causing strange things or the grief could have set off mental illness that was already there.

 

No matter what, he needs a dr. and little brother needs to be bopped upside the head (figuratively speaking of course). If it was my little brother it would be something like "has it occurred to you that there is something seriously wrong with dad and you are being non-helpful!!!!" but my little brother is used to doing what his pushy big sisters tell him to do.

 

Please get your dad to a dr.

 

I am so very, very, sorry for your loss and this extra suffering on top of your pain.

 

:iagree: It is possible to develop bipolar later in life...it is not the most likely scenario, but it is possible. I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this.:grouphug: My dad had some very odd behaviors which began after my mom passed away, and it compounded my grief and loss so much. He has evened out now (four years later), but I had to get involved at one point, as did my brother, my paster and some other family members. It was heart-breaking because it was like losing both parents. :(

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Texasmomma what did you do to get involved?

 

Also, my older brother thinks that my younger brothers letter has helped calm my dad down. I suggested since older bro more involved with dad, perhaps he wants to go to the next dr appt with him. Unfortunately, my voice in my family doesn't carry all that much weight. I get chalked up to being silly. However, I still have been saying I am concerned and why.

 

Apparently, the church my dad goes to, the interim minister had a stroke and most likely won't be able to return to the ministry. According to my older brother per my father, the church is going to ask my dad to step up into leadership. UGH!!!!!! My dad is not trained. I am hoping this is not true. The guy who called me from the church actually had an agreement with leadership that my dad would not longer preach. Apparently his preaching was so horrible that a family said if he preached again, they would never come back.... I don't want to call and find out the truth because I really can't deal with the church drama.....

 

My dad is manipulating his own blood pressure medicine. He takes his bp looks at a chart and than decides how much med he should take. Clearly that is a concern.

 

My dad is going to the CC again today. He has decided that he is suing them for violating the DNR order on my mom. He is convinced he will win. When my mom had her heart attack, they resuscitated her. Frankly, I am grateful they did. I went in as soon as I heard, it was about midnight on a wed. that my dad called me. I notified her sisters. They all came. One of the sisters was out of town. She was able to come back before my mom passed. My brother flew in from out of state. I am convinced my mom could hear us that thursday. Several times, although her eyes never looked focused, she would open them. She also had tears several times. Another thing was her breathing would change depending on the atmosphere. At one point my dad was talking with the doctors in front of her, my aunt was at my mom's side. The way he was talking about her was like she was already gone. My mom's breathing became shallow and quick. My aunt calmed her down. I can't say that I regret if there was a violation of the DNR. My mom passed away early saturday morning. Her breathing just became slower and slower. I had been in her room from 7 pm to midnight. My uncle came in and told me to take a break. It was about 20 minutes later he called me and told me I needed to get back up there. The staff was wonderful. My mom had donated her body to science. Once they had a release that there would not be an autopsy, they cleaned her up. All three sisters, three of my cousins, my uncle and my hubby were all able to go in and view her. I thank God everyday for that moment.

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:grouphug: My mother also donated her body to science.:grouphug:

 

By "getting involved", I mean that I called the pastor of my father's church, the pastor of my church (whom my dad also knew and was calling to speak to during the time when he appeared unstable), the director of his Sunday School class and several relatives. I spoke with my dad and saw him daily, as well as sent my husband to check on him and speak/pray with him during this time if I was unable to go myself. I also spoke with several family members about their concerns regarding my father and became a point person for his care. I researched bipolar disorder in the elderly (my dad is was about 70 at this point) and became willing to insist he go to the doctor if his behavior didn't stabilize. Fortunately, it did after several very long days and nights. Since then, he has had one other episode of "not being himself", but it passed quickly and was much less intense. I watch him carefully during the times he is unstable. Fortunately, he and I have a good relationship, and he looks to for advice and support so he was open to hearing my input during the time he was unstable. My pastor also spoke with him, as did my brother, husband and his pastor. We had a lot of support and oversight. Bipolar runs in our family, so I was very conscious of what it might be.

 

I hope that helps and that you can come to some peace regarding what is best for him. It does sound like he has taken charge of his medical care in a way that is dangerous and that he needs to have some advice from a doctor and a family member to hold him accountable, whether that is one of your brothers or you. During the darkest time for my dad, I recall being so heartbroken because I had just lost my mother, had four young children, a husband who was working all the time and now my dad was losing it. :( :grouphug:

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