It's time to be transparent

[Nakia]

I might regret this post. If I press submit, it will be a miracle.

 

Some of you know this, but I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 disorder in the early summer. I have known for years that something was not right. I have been treated by my family practice doc for depression for 8 years. I knew it was more than depression. But she continued to change anti-depressants over the years without success. I saw a really bad and fatal motorcycle accident in April, and then my FP doc changed my anti-depressant, and it sent me into a full blown manic episode. I finally decided to see a psychiatrist, and while I still have a VERY long way to go, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. To be honest, I was in denial and didn't want to accept it for several weeks. But the more I read about BP2, the more I felt like someone had gotten inside my head and wrote what they saw. I have now accepted it.

 

I have so many supportive friends and a very supportive husband. They don't know how to help me really, but they are sticking right by me, and for that, I am so thankful. This has been so hard on my marriage. My husband loves me, but it is hard to live with someone who is like a ticking time bomb. He never knows how I am going to be from day to day. And one of the hardest things is that my very best friend won't let her daughter spend any time alone with my family. She doesn't really trust my decision making abilities. I understand (after being angry and frustrated with her at the beginning), but it hurts that she feels like she has to protect her child from me. She has been right here beside me and helped in so many ways. I'm scared and hurt and sad that I will have to deal with this the rest of my life. And I'm overwhelmed by the fact that I will be on medication the rest of my life. As a matter of fact, I decided to quit my meds this past weekend, and I crashed in a big big way. I'm back on my meds, and I'm okay. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and she is a godsend. She is simply amazing. Interestingly, she shared with me that has bipolar as well. So she truly understands.

 

Another hard thing is that I have very strange side effects to meds, so it has been challenging to find something that works for me. We are trying new things to find something that really works. I just want to be me again. I remember the old me, and I haven't been me in years.

 

I have a friend who doesn't really "believe" in mental illness. She almost convinced me that it wasn't real. She has said I need to pray and rebuke the diagnosis. I certainly have a strong faith and believe God can heal any disease, but sometimes I truly believe He uses medication to do that. Frankly, I am sick of people saying I need to pray it away (she isn't the only one who has said it, she is just the one who has been pretty forceful with me). I am no longer discussing it with her. I am surrounding myself with people who support and lift me up.

 

I am just writing this in order to be real and transparent to so many of you who have stood by me and prayed for me during this really hard summer. It has been hard due to so many situations out of my control and because I am dealing with this diagnosis. I covet your prayers and support. So many have pm'ed me and loved on me, and I am very thankful for you all. I consider you my friends. And I also want to love, support, and pray for all of you who have mental illness or have loved ones who suffer from it. I'm certainly not saying you have to share that on this thread, but just know I am thinking of you.

:grouphug: I love you all.

[Mejane]

:grouphug:

[Dana]

:grouphug:

 

Thanks for sharing your story.

Mental illness is an illness. It's nothing you can think away. It can be really scary to get help though. I'm glad you found a good doctor to help you. And sharing your story may help someone else gain the courage to get help!

[specialmama]

:grouphug: Nakia :grouphug: I am praying. I understand. I have been told by several people that if we had enough faith my son would be healed. Paul was not healed, and my son is not... yet... but His Will be done, not mine. I pray His Will over your life Nakia, that He will use this illness to glorify His name. :grouphug:

[HayesW]

Hugs NAkia. You have a true medical condition. People telling you not to take medication are being silly in a way that telling a cancer patient not to take chemo or someone with appendicitis not to have it removed. I am so glad you are finding something that will work for you.

[Jen500]

:grouphug:

[jujsky]

:grouphug:

 

Thanks for sharing your story.

Mental illness is an illness. It's nothing you can think away. It can be really scary to get help though. I'm glad you found a good doctor to help you. And sharing your story may help someone else gain the courage to get help!

 

:iagree: I wanted to add that I think you're incredibly brave to share your story. :grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

Lots of hugs and hang-in-theres from me--

Mental illness is a hard road to walk, I know.

You are wise to surround yourself with supportive people who know the truth, will tell the truth, and keep you in the truth.

Stay in the light, my friend. I'm honored to have you in my (virtual) life! :001_smile:

[Jenny in Atl]

:grouphug:

[SonshineLearner]

Poor thing :( Prayer and Bible reading are important, but so are meds. Trust those around you about when and if you need them. Your husband is your "helper" too. I don't know about meds like you do... but we all have something we can think of and sorta "relate"....

 

I know there are MANY people who are on meds... and wouldn't tell you.... You're brave to remind us that meds are to help us all out... For some reason, things are off in this world sometimes... The hope of Heaven, right? :)

[Trish]

That took a lot of strength and insight. Prayers and blessings to you!

[nmoira]

:grouphug:

[Shelly in IL]

We have 2 people in our family with the disease. I'm glad you have a wonderful doctor. Keep up with your meds!!

[MamaT]

Nakia, mental illness is the same as a physical illness. If you have it, you have it. There should be no shame in that. Please take your meds. If you had a physical illness that you needed antibiotics for, would you just not take them?

 

My mother was bi-polar. If she had stayed on her meds, I would have had a mother. I wouldn't have had to spend my life running away from her. I would not be left with all these regrets (that I thought I had already dealt with) now that she is gone. So, please, take your meds. Your girls need their mama.

 

Remember,there is no shame in a diagnosis of bi-polar. God does not choose to heal every illness here on earth. Sometimes we have to walk it out. If you need me, I'm here. I hope you know that.

[Gooblink]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Luckymama]

:grouphug:

 

I understand what it's like from the family side. My sister was diagnosed with BP2 two years ago, while our mother was in treatment for ovarian cancer. She's having problems getting her meds right and the anniversary of our mother's death is next week. She also has a difficult time when the seasons change--November is especially bad.

 

We treat her illness like any other chronic illness in the family. We see it as no different from someone with diabetes or someone with food allergies, a disease (or condition, in case of food allergies) that can be treated and managed but that will always be with the person.

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[MaMa2005]

:grouphug: PM me if you need to talk. No more drug holidays (as my DH calls them). They are always bad. Lots of prayers coming your way.

[Avila]

:grouphug:

[BMW]

Dear, sweet Nakia, we love you, too.:grouphug: And I'll be praying for you.

 

Thank you for posting about your journey.

[DianeW88]

:grouphug: :grouphug: You are very brave and I admire how forthright you are in dealing with your illness. That's wonderful!

[Tutor]

I admire you so much. You are an amazingly strong woman. Our prayers are with you here. :grouphug:

[luvbnhome2]

Do not stop taking your meds!! Your family needs your mental health and for you to be on even keel! My husband was finally diagnosed as being bi-polar this last May-something we both suspected for years-and he finally sought help. Our lives had been a major roller coaster ride, and he never responded to anything the same way twice. It had gotten really bad and our dds and I felt as if we had to walk on eggshells. It was a very hard place to be-we stuck with him and never lost hope-but that did not make it any less difficult. His medication is our life saver. If you had cancer, would you fight it with all you had? If you had diabetes, would you take your insulin? Of course you would! You have a family that depends on you and you have to do whatever it takes to keep yourself well! I have seen untreated mental illness as we are experiencing it right now with my fil who is a shell of a man, and dealt with it for years with my husband who "self-medicated" with alcohol. It does not make a pretty picture. I urge you to do whatever it is that you have to do to have mental health. You deserve to have a good life as does your family! I wish you all of the best and will keep you in my prayers!

[CAMom]

Hi Friend.:grouphug:

 

I'm not bi-polar but I have been dealing with panic disorder for the last year and a half. I had a hard time finally admitting the need for meds but they've worked so well for me!

 

I wanted to encourage you with this: As I've been going to therapy over the last year, we talked so much about my relationship with my mom. Talking to my therapist and the psychiatrist, they both believe that she's bi-polar. I've thought that for a long time. I have a lot of resentment over the fact that she never got help.

 

Because she didn't she was never a dependable mom. In fact, I was the mom and continue to be until this day. During my grandma's illness, my mom actually said to me, "I need you to take care of me right now. Just like you have ever since you were a little girl." And that's really how it was. I had to take care of her. I've been the mom in our relationship since I was about 4.

 

It's a good thing to take care of yourself! It's healthy for your girls to watch their mama pursuing treatment for a legitimate condition. They'll always know that you did everything you could to be well and they will appreciate you for it.:grouphug:

[MtnTeaching]

Thank Goodness you've finally found a Doctor who can help. The searching and wondering can sometimes be more of a burden than actually having a diagnosis.

 

Prayer does wonders... but like you said, I believe things such as a Doctor's wisdom and medications are also gifts. Why would we not listen to this advice or take advantage of the medicine that could put us back on the right track, no matter what the illness?

 

My prayers and :grouphug: are with you!

[kalphs]

:grouphug:

I understand. My mother was bipolar.

Working with a physician who understood bipolar disorder and medication enabled my mother to live/enjoy life.

[Ester Maria]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[CandaceC]

Nakia, I haven't been around to know you were struggling, but I appreciate you sharing your struggles. I struggle with depression and the battle has been so up and down...it is so hard. I'm proud of you for getting the help you need, you are a blessing to your family!! :grouphug:

[Tap]

:grouphug:

[newlifemom]

:grouphug: to you. I don't know, and cannot imagine, but :grouphug:

 

 

You're an incredible woman.

[Perry]

:grouphug:

[Mabeline]

One more :grouphug:. I just wanted to say that I always enjoy reading your posts, you come across as a sweet and caring person that loves her family very much. I will pray for you.

[Crimson Wife]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

My dad had a cousin who suffered from schizophrenia. I strongly believe that there's a biochemical imbalance responsible for mental illness and that it's NOT in any way, shape, or form a reflection on the person's character or faith.

 

Praying for you! :)

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Sending you PM.

:grouphug:

[*Inna*]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[GWOB]

I have a friend who doesn't really "believe" in mental illness. She almost convinced me that it wasn't real. She has said I need to pray and rebuke the diagnosis. I certainly have a strong faith and believe God can heal any disease, but sometimes I truly believe He uses medication to do that. Frankly, I am sick of people saying I need to pray it away (she isn't the only one who has said it, she is just the one who has been pretty forceful with me). I am no longer discussing it with her. I am surrounding myself with people who support and lift me up.

 

:grouphug: You are very strong and brave to post this.

 

I just wanted to comment on the above quote in particular. My mother has serious mental issues. I'm almost 100% positive if she ever went in to a psychiatrist she would be diagnosed with some form of Bipolar, as well as some serious personality disorder. She and my dad believe if they had enough faith, if they prayed hard enough, if they did ______ to prove their faith, God would heal her. Meanwhile, her children suffered. Tremendously. We lived through hell dealing with her. I still have to deal with her and it really drives me up a wall. You, my dear, are doing the right thing by getting help. God provides us with the tools to help ourselves. You had enough faith to listen to Him and seek out help. Your children will thank you.:grouphug:

 

Good luck as you travel this road.

[Starr]

Prayers for you oh brave one. :grouphug:

[sarawatsonim]

Mental illness is so difficult for the individual who suffers from it as well as the close friends and family. My dd5's godmother who is one of the closest people to us suffers from Bi-Polar. It was a long, hard path to diagnosing this disease and at one point due to a bad and incorrect combination of medicine (prescribed by her doctor) she had a full blown manic episode that caused her to spend some time in the hospital. Now that she has been diagnosed properly it is wonderful to see her progress. She still has her triggers and moments, but don't we all in our own way? You say that your best friend won't let her dd spend time with your family. It's strange because with us, our friend is one of the only people I truly trust my dd with. I am glad that it seems your are having more good/positive days than bad. It truly is a very difficult road to travel.

[elegantlion]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

? by Seabird.

[Nakia]

You all have made me smile and cry. You don't know what it means to me to know I am not alone in this. It always amazes me that strangers can be so kind and good.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

? by Seabird.

 

Wow. Just wow. Thank you.

[catz]

Hugs NAkia. You have a true medical condition. People telling you not to take medication are being silly in a way that telling a cancer patient not to take chemo or someone with appendicitis not to have it removed. I am so glad you are finding something that will work for you.

 

:iagree: Best wishes to you and your family! Surround yourself with those who support you as you are.

[Tarreymere]

I have anxiety and panic disorder. Accepting the diagnosis and taking the medication has made a tremendous difference in my life, and in the lives of my family who no longer end up bearing the brunt of my illness. My husband is an intensive case manager for people with mental illness. We know that mental illness has a physical basis, and like any other illness it can be treated. I wish that it didn't have the stigma that it has, it would make it a lot easier for people to seek treatment. Good luck and hugs!

[Kim in Appalachia]

:grouphug:

 

I glad you have good support. That is important with any chronic illness. Mental illnesses are chronic illnesses just like any other. Just because it's harder to understand and treat does not mean it is not a real illness. Please don't let anyone tell you that. If your well meaning friend tells you to rebuke it, you need to rebuke her. Don't let her do that to you.

 

:grouphug: Chronic illnesses are a difficult road and can take their toll on relationships. Don't be afraid to encourage your DH to seek counseling or even to go to a marriage counselor to get the support you both need.

[Heather in WI]

I have a friend who doesn't really "believe" in mental illness. She almost convinced me that it wasn't real. She has said I need to pray and rebuke the diagnosis. I certainly have a strong faith and believe God can heal any disease, but sometimes I truly believe He uses medication to do that. Frankly, I am sick of people saying I need to pray it away (she isn't the only one who has said it, she is just the one who has been pretty forceful with me). I am no longer discussing it with her. I am surrounding myself with people who support and lift me up.

 

I am just writing this in order to be real and transparent to so many of you who have stood by me and prayed for me during this really hard summer. It has been hard due to so many situations out of my control and because I am dealing with this diagnosis. I covet your prayers and support.

 

 

I'd drop that friend for sure!

 

I'm a conservative Christian (Reformed Baptist). We have illness in the world because of sin in the world. Just as I wouldn't pray away a broken arm, I wouldn't pray away mental illness. (Not saying that God *couldn't* miraculously heal a broken arm or a mental illness ... He certainly could, but that isn't His usual way.)

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Mrs Mungo]

:grouphug:

 

I told this story recently in another context, but it's worth saying again:

 

A man is sitting on his porch as flood waters rise. A woman floats by in a boat, asking if the man needs help. "No, thank you," says the man, "I'm trusting in the Lord." The waters rise higher, sending the man upstairs. A raft full of people floats by his second story window. "Get in," they say, "there's plenty of room." "No thanks," says the man, "I'm trusting in the Lord." The flood waters keep rising, pushing the man up to the roof. A helicopter swoops in, lowering its ladder for the man. "Thanks anyway," shouts the man, "I'm trusting in the Lord." Finally, the man is swept away in the torrent and drowns. At the gates of Heaven, the man asks God, "Why didn't you save me?" "What do you mean?'' replies God, "I sent two boats and a helicopter."

 

Medication is there to help. Nobody is less of a Christian or less worthy because they take medication. :grouphug:

[Capt_Uhura]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[KidsHappen]

:grouphug: By the way, did it happen to be Effexor that set off the first major manic episode? It was for me and I have heard the same from many others. Very dangerous drug if there is any possibility that a person may be bi-polar.

 

I have company this weekend so I might not be able to get back to you until Monday. I hope you have a good weekend. And as always, know my thought are with you. :grouphug:

[FaithManor]

Nakia, nothing but love and support here!

 

As for the naysayers who think that you should "rebuke a diagnosis", please remind them that the Gospel of Luke and the Book of Acts were written by a doctor! A practicing physician that history proves was well known for being as excellent a doctor as there was in that day. He ministered faithfully to Paul's physical needs during his house arrest in Rome. He ministered to Paul's "Thorn in of the flesh" that the Lord chose not to heal but instead either used it for some purpose in Paul's life or to bring Himself glory. Either way, a doctor was needed and one answered the call!

 

Wishing you the best and praying for you!

Faith

[Hedgehog]

Hugs and prayers coming your way, Nakia. :grouphug: No-one should ever feel ashamed of needing meds or any other kind of help. But also remember that the Lord loves you and cares for you in all the details of your life.

 

Hedgehog xo

[ChrisB]

My dad is BP. He was hospitalized after a huge manic attack when I was in high school.

My husband was finally diagnosed as being bi-polar this last May-something we both suspected for years-and he finally sought help. Our lives had been a major roller coaster ride, and he never responded to anything the same way twice. It had gotten really bad and our dds and I felt as if we had to walk on eggshells. !

This is how we felt and my mom uses those exact same words, "walk on eggshells."

I strongly believe that there's a biochemical imbalance responsible for mental illness and that it's NOT in any way, shape, or form a reflection on the person's character or faith.

I completely agree!

 

Once my dad was formally diagnosed with BP, the extended family was informally informed, and I have a 1st cousin who then knew what he had too. I know that for my dad certain emotional stresses and certain foods can trigger either the preceding depression or the manic episodes.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

Edited October 29, 2010 by ChrisB