silliness7 Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 "This will affect my long term realtionships with MANY family members. I have always been so proud to be a member of a family as close and as loving as mine is." I am so sorry, I do not mean to judge your family, but.... If they are truly this close and this loving, then surely they will also be very forgiving, won't they? I was thinking this same thing. I had to miss my sister's wedding because she moved it from a couple of months to a couple of weeks after my baby #4 was born and it was across country. She was conflicted about moving the date but logistically with her and her new dh's work schedules this is what worked for them to have the honeymoon they wanted. I told her she should do what works best for her even if that meant I didn't get to come. No one has hard feelings about it and never did...(though she did have a gloomy sil who foretold permanent family strife over the issue) I'm a Dave Ramsey fan too and don't recommend going into debt over it. But all my family are DR fans too. If they felt this strongly about something that I couldn't swing financially I know they would swing it for me. :grouphug: I hope you can figure out the right solution for your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 OP, you do not need to feel guilty about missing the second wedding (or the first, for that matter, if you decide to back out of that one). You know that you have a choice to make: skip one of the weddings or go into debt to finance the trip. If you decide not to attend one of the weddings then your family members each have a choice to make: extend some understanding your way or hold it against you. You are not responsible for the inappropriate reactions of other people. Do what you want to do, what you will enjoy doing, what will be time and money well spent for your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 If you go to Chicago for the wedding, so you have a lot of other expenses in terms of hotels and clothes? I personally would not miss it for $100 in gas money. Maybe you could ask your parents to give you the gas money for Christmas? Or really, I would charge just that one thing if I had to. Anyway, I don't think it's at all selfish to plan a last minute wedding. I do think it's controlling to lay a massive guilt trip on you if you can't make it. If you decide not to go, you just decide and announce it and stand firm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 This is a good point. When my good friend got married, we had just moved and had no one to watch our two little ones. It was a three-hour trip each way; we'd be gone ten hours. I emailed saying I just didn't know if we could make it, and she responded that we had better. My hubby's then-childless daughter had no concept about a 6 hour each way drive with a very wiggly 18 month old, and would not consider moving her party to the next weekend when I wasn't working and hubby could go alone. A couple of back to back babies made her see the light. :) Skip the second wedding. Is there no tooth fairy in your family? When I was living hand to mouth, an older sib would come through for something I "MUST" go to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 I'm normally Ms. Frugal, but I would go to all of these events. They are really, really significant, each one of them. They are not annual events; they are one time special ones. My view is that this is what being frugal is FOR. It's to buy enough leeway to be able to do things like this sometimes. Imagine if you had not paid off those credit cards--this would be so much harder. There is such a thing as honorable debt. Now, if you were stressing over bringing extravagent presents, I would oppose that. I would say that your presence is the best you can do this year, but that family is so important to you that you wanted to make a huge, extraordinary effort to be there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liza Q Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 If you go to Chicago for the wedding, so you have a lot of other expenses in terms of hotels and clothes? I personally would not miss it for $100 in gas money. Maybe you could ask your parents to give you the gas money for Christmas? Or really, I would charge just that one thing if I had to. Anyway, I don't think it's at all selfish to plan a last minute wedding. I do think it's controlling to lay a massive guilt trip on you if you can't make it. If you decide not to go, you just decide and announce it and stand firm. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoyfulMama Posted October 29, 2010 Share Posted October 29, 2010 I'd skip cousin #2's wedding. Call her and tell her that you'd love to be there (I'm sure you would), but on this short notice, you simply don't have the money, especially with Christmas so close. Do NOT miss your family's last Christmas together for a while to go to a wedding where the bride and groom will be so busy they won't have much time to spend with you anyway. Let your family fuss. What are they going to do? If you don't have the money and aren't willing to put the cost on a credit card (I don't blame you for that), there's nothing they can do. Don't feel guilty. You can't get blood from a turnip. :iagree: My brother had to miss one of my cousin's weddings. He felt horrible, but there was no way for him to pay for it. He was so worried that our cousin would be hurt that he wasn't there. She was so busy that day that a moment with him wasn't missed. What was treasured was a note written to her ahead, saying how much he wished he could be there, and how he'd be thinking of them, and awaiting pictures. Send your heart - but save your money - for both weddings if need be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brigitte Posted October 29, 2010 Share Posted October 29, 2010 Adding another voice to the go to wedding #1 and Christmas; skip wedding #2. If the family is that worried about you being there, they can pay your expenses in full before you leave your home. That last part is important; you don't want to put out the money and have them change their mind leaving you in a bind. Christmas is too important to miss. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted October 29, 2010 Share Posted October 29, 2010 (edited) :iagree::iagree: "This will affect my long term realtionships with MANY family members. I have always been so proud to be a member of a family as close and as loving as mine is." I am so sorry, I do not mean to judge your family, but.... If they are truly this close and this loving, then surely they will also be very forgiving, won't they? Exactly what I was going to say. Wanted to add--Go to Sittercity.com and think about signing up with them. It's free, and there are TONS of sitter jobs (well, here, anyway). Care.com has a bunch, too--easy to screen the clients, and I think you could find more babysitting opportunities in a heartbeat to supplement your income. Edited October 29, 2010 by Chris in VA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwickimom Posted October 29, 2010 Author Share Posted October 29, 2010 Family wont hold a grudge forever...they will just be highly upset. Like, normally there is no question that we are there for each other. If I asked this cousin to take a weeks vacation at her job and come and watch my kids because I was sick...she would. Our family is super close, my cousins are basically also like sisters. We all grew up together and we see each other often. It is just expected that we all are there for each other and we always are. This...is just a very different situation. Totally out of character, not expected. Normally she would make sure to give ample notice and would know that it is ridiculous to squeeze her wedding in between a cousins in NY and Christmas.I am NOT sayin she has to think about everyones financial situation. I just think that no matter when you only give a 2 month notice of wedding you cannot have your cake and eat it too. For my wedding I made sure I gave a years notice and had it on a 3 day weekend so it was more covienent for everyone to travel 5 hours. Like it blows our minds that she is doing this at the worst possible time ever. I know her wedding is about her, but thats why I feel she just cannot expect everyone to be there...but she is. My aunt called to ask what dates would be good for me to get to the shower today :001_huh: I told her none and I wasnt going to be able to make that for sure. UGH. I dont want to hurt or disappoint everyone. I hate confrontation. But I can onl do what I can do. I am gonna reread everything and pray about it............. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlockOfSillies Posted October 29, 2010 Share Posted October 29, 2010 If this family is so close-knit, and loves you so much that they can't bear for you to miss the #2 wedding, then let them pay your way. YOU DON'T HAVE THE MONEY. It's that simple. But you have to ask yourself about the situation in your family. Are you guys really that close-knit, if you're walking on eggshells not to offend some of them? Sorry you're being put in this position. Stay strong, and use your common sense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KingM Posted October 29, 2010 Share Posted October 29, 2010 There's no way to plan a wedding around every family member and friend, so I wouldn't be upset with your cousin. On the other hand, if you can't afford to go, I would just give my sincere regrets and skip it. Hard, I know, but you've got to stay solvent. That's the most important thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asta Posted October 29, 2010 Share Posted October 29, 2010 I'd skip the both weddings. That would be me. And this is why: This will be my siblings last Christmas all together, as my bro and SIL are going off to Mali to be missionaries. Since when do the children of mom and dad's siblings rate above your OWN siblings? I could understand if you were an only child and grew up with these guys as if they were your siblings, but that doesn't appear to be the case here. Family dynamics are part of why I moved to the other side of the world, I swear... a Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 The one thing you haven't mentioned is whether or not you and your husband want to go to the wedding(s), or feel you should go. I would base my decision on that. If I felt I wanted/needed to go to an event and would regret missing it forevermore, I would move heaven and earth to do it. Sell something, use a CC, borrow from mom and dad, do odd jobs, drive out once and stay with rellies for all 3 weeks, whatever. If I didn't want/need to go to a wedding, it wouldn't matter to me what the relatives think, because I am an adult and my dh and I make the decisions for our (nuclear) family. We are respectful but firm in that. You have said that the Christmas trip is important to you, so clearly that is one you should do. But unless I missed it, you have only said that you are anticipating guilt and pressure regarding the weddings. There is no need to make a decision based on that! Also, I would try not to take the timing of the wedding or the choice in groom personally... I assume this woman is an adult and making her own choices, and as such it is inappropriate for you to feel such animosity about it. Be respectful and kind and expect the same back to you for the choice you are making... hopefully you'll get it but if not, know that it's their problem, not yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oops, duplicate account :/ Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 I'd skip the both weddings. It's just cousins. It's not even immediate family, and they're both asking you to undertake expensive travel just to be at their wedding. I'd say "no thanks, but congrats," and then send a nice gift if you feel so inclined. If you're losing $1000/mo that you planned on, then that budget you made with the first trip in it is irrelevant. You need that money until you get something else to cover the amount you're losing from the babysitting. If anyone questions you about it, simply say the expense of the travel would be too much to ask of your family's budget. If someone argues with that, tell them you'll gladly accept their offer to pay your way. If they balk at that, tell them to go stuff their objections where it hurts the most. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 (edited) :iagree: If it is a such a big deal, maybe some of the family that would make a stink about it, could help you to pay for the expense of it. Explain that you can't spend money that you don't have or haven't plan for. :iagree::iagree::iagree: In my family, if it is important for us to attend -- and we do not have the funds to travel -- then the family member (i.e. ILs) who hassles us to attend fork over $$$ to pay for the gas or airplane tickets. We usually stay at relatives and never in a hotel. Eating out is a no-no. Potluck it at the relatives. Personally, I'd kindly tell the 2nd cousin due to lack of funds, no travel. I'm sure there will be other events to see them in person. It is not like they are IMMEDIATE family, kwim? Cousins are kind of out of the loop with priorities, IMO. If it were a sibling or parent, then yes, you need to attend. Edited October 30, 2010 by tex-mex Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 True, but when my sister didn't come to my wedding (which was across the country from her), I didn't hold it against her either. Exactly. My sister was poor and pregnant and 600 miles away. She could not afford to travel to our wedding. We paid for our other family members to attend and offered for my sister, but she could not attend. I did not hold a grudge against her. (She on the other hand, did. But that is a whole different story. LOL ;)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 :grouphug: I'm sorry. I think I would just be honest and tell cousin #2 upfront that you cannot go because you didn't know ahead of time and could not budget for it. Yes, she could make a stink. And yes, your family could make a stink. So I guess I'm back to - I'm sorry. :grouphug: :iagree::iagree::iagree: Exactly. Christmas is more important. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 I'd skip the both weddings. It's just cousins. It's not even immediate family, and they're both asking you to undertake expensive travel just to be at their wedding. I'd say "no thanks, but congrats," and then send a nice gift if you feel so inclined. If you're losing $1000/mo that you planned on, then that budget you made with the first trip in it is irrelevant. You need that money until you get something else to cover the amount you're losing from the babysitting. If anyone questions you about it, simply say the expense of the travel would be too much to ask of your family's budget. If someone argues with that, tell them you'll gladly accept their offer to pay your way. If they balk at that, tell them to go stuff their objections where it hurts the most. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melanie in WI Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 I'd skip cousin #2's wedding. Call her and tell her that you'd love to be there (I'm sure you would), but on this short notice, you simply don't have the money, especially with Christmas so close. Do NOT miss your family's last Christmas together for a while to go to a wedding where the bride and groom will be so busy they won't have much time to spend with you anyway. Let your family fuss. What are they going to do? If you don't have the money and aren't willing to put the cost on a credit card (I don't blame you for that), there's nothing they can do. Don't feel guilty. You can't get blood from a turnip. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 We just find out yesterday cousin #2 in Chicago got engaged and is getting married the weekend right AFTER the NY wedding. (We live in southern IL) My entire family will throw a fit if I miss cousin #2's wedding. This is a long story, but the only reason they are jamming the wedding in at that date is because her fiancee is in bible college in California and she wants to go back with him in Jan. they havent even known each other a year. Your cousin scheduled her wedding when it works for them. I can't fault her for that. HOWEVER, when you schedule a wedding on short notice, you really can't expect everyone to drop everything and spend money not in the budget to show up. She shouldn't hold it against you if you can't make it- send a nice card. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sputterduck Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 Where is your Dave Ramsey emergency fund? This is a unusual occurrence and I wouldn't mind using the fund for this. This wouldn't mean changing back to bad habits. It's a wedding. And your last Christmas with your siblings. It's ok to pay for all of that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwickimom Posted October 30, 2010 Author Share Posted October 30, 2010 Where is your Dave Ramsey emergency fund? This is a unusual occurrence and I wouldn't mind using the fund for this. This wouldn't mean changing back to bad habits. It's a wedding. And your last Christmas with your siblings. It's ok to pay for all of that. We are rebuilding the efund currently after we had van issues. This so wouldnt qualify for that anyways, but before charging I would have used it if we had it. Thats why I know that I need to cut out something. We have nothing to fall back on but CC's Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sputterduck Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 Well, bummer about your emergency fund. I've been out of debt for years now and wouldn't have a problem using it. Anywho, I'd say don't go to the second wedding. It was last minute and you had no time to budget for it, and it's ok to tell people that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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