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Parenting Your Parents...? (long)


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Hey Everyone,

Just finding a place to (privately) share -- got word last night MIL has a brain tumor. Hubby and I are devastated. Hubby is on his way to be with mom in hospital as I type this. FIL is overwhelmed.

 

Basically, looking back on it all, we should have seen the signs at our last visit this summer: MIL was irritable, distant, and not herself. She had previous surgery on her ear to remove a malignant melanoma a few months earlier -- but thought nothing of it. We thought it was stress or whatever. I helped out however I could with chores and cooking to make it easier on her. We use Google Talk to keep in touch weekly and now I realize she was acting strange (distant and moody) on the PC screen while talking -- again, not her usual cheerful (blunt) personality. We chalked up her new behavior due to financial stress, bankruptcy, and old age.

 

Earlier this week, FIL called us and shared MIL was having a migraine -- but it wasn't her usual type of migraine. This one went for 3 days. Soon after that, we got another call from FIL saying that MIL's head still hurt (not as bad) but now she is acting strangely. Normally, she is cheerful, social, and outgoing. FIL said she was moody, irritable, and depressed. When he could get her to talk, she spoke s-l-o-w-l-y and did not initiate conversation back. Hubby and I thought immediately it was a stroke. We told FIL to get her seen ASAP. MIL refused to get help.

 

Fortunately, this week brought by a relative who was visiting. Hubby's uncle who was a retired vascular surgeon. Uncle took a basic exam of MIL and (privately) told FIL she most likely had a stroke and needs to be seen by a doctor ASAP. Uncle left on his travels and FIL was at a loss to get MIL to the doctor. (I will admit here that MIL rules the roost, while FIL is timid, anxious and is compliant. Sweetheart of a guy. He doesn't like confrontation.) Meanwhile, their son (my hubby) is in another state on the phone trying to negotiate FIL and MIL to get to the doctor. She refuses (and to me seemed irrational) and FIL doesn't want to upset her. Aaaaaaauuuuuggggh. :glare:

 

4 days pass with these symptoms. Last night, we get a call from FIL saying he just called 911 and MIL collapsed. We later find out that the EMS showed up and she refused to go with them to the hospital. They left. FIL is asking what to do and could it be hormones on MIL's part -- she is 76 years old -- what hormones or PMS do this to a woman?

 

Hubby at that point flips out and tells his dad (my FIL) to get her to the hospital toot suite as this is serious and she could be in danger. FIL doesn't want to rile MIL or ask the neighbors for help. Hubby is ready to get in our car and drive the 14 hours to get his own mother in the car. Hubby then calls the police of that town to talk to the EMS people to complain. He threatens them with a lawsuit due to them leaving a (obviously) irrational woman at home who is showing signs of a stroke or brain trauma. We get a phone call from an EMS supervisor as a result trying to appease us at that point. Hubby is calling the ER and hunting down folks in that town who can help. Frustrating. We finally get the EMS to agree to go back to the house and assist FIL in getting MIL to the hospital. (Unbeknownst to us, FIL finally manned up and got MIL in the car. EMS shows up at an empty house.:willy_nilly: It is like a 3 ring-circus at this point.)

 

Relieved she is at the ER -- we wait for a phone call from FIL. We are positive it was a stroke. FIL calls and we get the devastating news: mestatic tumor in brain. Most likely from her previous bout of Malignant Melanoma a year ago. Our whole world comes crashing down at that point. MIL rules the roost -- but she is all we have -- our family is small. My family is long gone "dead" to me (other posts) and hubby's parents have adopted me into the fold. We butt heads, sure. But we're there for each other. Hubby has one sister (she is paranoid schizophrenic) and has no children. So, we're a tight knit bunch. Small, but that's all we have.

 

Y'all pretty much know by my posts that son and I have a rare liver disease. My son almost died 6 years ago due to this disease. Our son is the only grandchild for MIL & FIL. So, we see each other on holidays and summer vacations. Recently, due to hubby's unemployment, his folks were trying to get us to move closer to live in the same town they live in. We balked at it due to it being a TINY rural town and the fact son & I need an ER with a on-site lab for quick ammonia blood STAT readings should we go into crisis. Their little small town hospital can't help big health matters. (Ironically, this one factor now has my MIL driving 6 hours to the biggest city's hospital where she can get help... at the same hospital my son was airlifted to when he fell into a coma... while visiting grandparents during Christmas 2004.)

 

I'm guess I'm typing this to ask for prayers, good thoughts, a shout out to the man upstairs from the Hive for my MIL. I have no idea what lies in store for my MIL. I do know she is far too young to die. (Heck, we all thought she'd be the one to outlive us all -- she was a health fanatic and took good care of herself.) Plus, FIL would be a mess without her. And frankly, the burden of caring for his mentally ill sister shifts to hubby if she does pass on. Hubby already has his plate full with son and my health issues. It just seems surreal. Just feels strange to suddenly have to be the "parent" telling your parents what to do. :(

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(((HUGS))) I am so sorry and will be thinking of you.

 

Gently here, please do not be angry with EMS. My daughter is a paramedic and the law is very clear. Unless a person is clearly under the influence of drugs, unconscious at the time the ambulance arrives or loses consciousness in front of EMS, or is suicidal, in most states, the person can refuse transport and can not be compelled to be treated. As awful as this is, even though she has a brain tumor and even though she displayed symptoms of a stroke, she is within her constitutional rights to refuse EMS services. This is especially true if FIL is not willing to take a stand with his wife in front of EMS. Many times, if the spouse says, "YOU ARE GOING!", the patient will acquiesce. In this case, if she absolutely refused and was able to carry on a somewhat lucid conversation with EMS, short of staying there the rest of the evening and waiting for her to pass out so they could load her while unconscious, they can not transport her.

 

I'm really, really sorry. This is awful and very frustrating for you. I hope you have friends and family close by to help you through it. I just do not want you to have lingering anger against EMS personel or for your family to be leary of ever calling EMS again. They have to follow the law even when it has tragic consequences.

 

Faith

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Ah, parenting a parent...very familiar with this (on my side of the family). It's hard. :grouphug: To me, at 37, it's unbelievable that I'm in this time of my life...I feel too young! To boot, my wonderful MIL just passed away a few weeks ago at 73 from lung cancer. This is incredibly hard for my FIL. Sigh. I'm grieving with you, as this is a new stage of life for us both.

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I'm sorry for all the stress and concern. I hope your MIL gets excellent care. Have the doctors given you any sort of idea what is going on? My BIL is battling lung cancer and has had 3 brain tumors (had 2nd removed two weeks ago today and they are hoping chemo works on the one they found while in there). So it is very possible to go on even with such a dire situation. Just trying to give you some hope.

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:grouphug: I'm sorry about your mother-in-law.

 

(((HUGS))) I am so sorry and will be thinking of you.

 

Gently here, please do not be angry with EMS. My daughter is a paramedic and the law is very clear. Unless a person is clearly under the influence of drugs, unconscious at the time the ambulance arrives or loses consciousness in front of EMS, or is suicidal, in most states, the person can refuse transport and can not be compelled to be treated. As awful as this is, even though she has a brain tumor and even though she displayed symptoms of a stroke, she is within her constitutional rights to refuse EMS services. This is especially true if FIL is not willing to take a stand with his wife in front of EMS. Many times, if the spouse says, "YOU ARE GOING!", the patient will acquiesce. In this case, if she absolutely refused and was able to carry on a somewhat lucid conversation with EMS, short of staying there the rest of the evening and waiting for her to pass out so they could load her while unconscious, they can not transport her.

 

 

 

 

:iagree: In the state I worked the public service field, if EMS took a person against the person's will, said person could conceivably bring kidnapping charges against the EMS personnel. Many a time law enforcement would have to step in and tell the family to just wait until the person passed out. Once unconscious it is a different story. The assumption that one would want help at that point comes into play.

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(((HUGS))) I am so sorry and will be thinking of you.

 

Gently here, please do not be angry with EMS. My daughter is a paramedic and the law is very clear. Unless a person is clearly under the influence of drugs, unconscious at the time the ambulance arrives or loses consciousness in front of EMS, or is suicidal, in most states, the person can refuse transport and can not be compelled to be treated. As awful as this is, even though she has a brain tumor and even though she displayed symptoms of a stroke, she is within her constitutional rights to refuse EMS services. This is especially true if FIL is not willing to take a stand with his wife in front of EMS. Many times, if the spouse says, "YOU ARE GOING!", the patient will acquiesce. In this case, if she absolutely refused and was able to carry on a somewhat lucid conversation with EMS, short of staying there the rest of the evening and waiting for her to pass out so they could load her while unconscious, they can not transport her.

 

I'm really, really sorry. This is awful and very frustrating for you. I hope you have friends and family close by to help you through it. I just do not want you to have lingering anger against EMS personel or for your family to be leary of ever calling EMS again. They have to follow the law even when it has tragic consequences.

 

Faith

 

No worries -- I completely understand.

And yes, that exactly what the situation was with FIL. He did not want to argue or rile up my MIL in front of the EMS folks. Another thing that was quite odd about her behavior the last few days (had us thinking it was a stroke) was the fact she could not do things correctly. For example, she showered with her shoes on. Or put on her underwear on her head. She came out of the shower dripping wet and went to bed -- sopping the bedsheets with water and slept unaware. But she would have a polite converstation with you. Simple yes or no. Which made the EMS guy think she was okay. But obviously her brain was not.

 

I am still in shock over how quickly the melanoma formed. MIL had a very small (1/8†inch) area on her right earlobe over a year ago diagnosed at a stage 3 melanoma. They had to remove the lower earlobe as a result and surrounding lymph nodes. The mestatic tumor is egg shaped size in the right hemisphere of her brain. We’ll know later on what options are there for her.

 

 

Hubby and MIL have Dysplastic Nevus Syndrome -- people who have this are at increased risk of developing single or multiple melanomas. Hubby had stage 4 melanoma back in 1996 and has many scars from surgery. MIL is a tough old bird -- never complains -- but my goodness this scares the living daylights out of me. That tumor was aggressive.

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Sending prayers your way--these kind of life changes are so stressful and seem to put things into hyper-focus. Keep venting here or somewhere you feel safe--know you can always count on the Hive to lift you up and hug you tight, in a virtual way!:grouphug:

Thanks!!! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

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:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:'s to you and your family. I just got off the phone with my mom to talk job stuff, and she is waiting for a call from a psychiatric nurse. Grandma was taken in to the hospital last night. she had baraccaded herself in the bathroom. Grandpa is dying and he was her ROCK. Now she is drinking a lot and just wants to go with him.

 

My mom is the only sober sibling, but she lives 2000 miles away ;). IT's a mess, and hard. These are some of the strongest, most wonderful people I know. Grandpa was a state legislator and DA. It's hard to watch this happening.

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Ah, parenting a parent...very familiar with this (on my side of the family). It's hard. :grouphug: To me, at 37, it's unbelievable that I'm in this time of my life...I feel too young! To boot, my wonderful MIL just passed away a few weeks ago at 73 from lung cancer. This is incredibly hard for my FIL. Sigh. I'm grieving with you, as this is a new stage of life for us both.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: So sorry to hear of your loss with your MIL. It is a strange new road of life we both are on.

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:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:'s to you and your family. I just got off the phone with my mom to talk job stuff, and she is waiting for a call from a psychiatric nurse. Grandma was taken in to the hospital last night. she had baraccaded herself in the bathroom. Grandpa is dying and he was her ROCK. Now she is drinking a lot and just wants to go with him.

 

My mom is the only sober sibling, but she lives 2000 miles away ;). IT's a mess, and hard. These are some of the strongest, most wonderful people I know. Grandpa was a state legislator and DA. It's hard to watch this happening.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

My goodness. My heart goes out to you. That is just plain tough. Prayers for your family.

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I'm sorry for all the stress and concern. I hope your MIL gets excellent care. Have the doctors given you any sort of idea what is going on? My BIL is battling lung cancer and has had 3 brain tumors (had 2nd removed two weeks ago today and they are hoping chemo works on the one they found while in there). So it is very possible to go on even with such a dire situation. Just trying to give you some hope.

Thanks Pamela for the encouragment!

I am praying for your BIL. That is amazing what he has gone thru. :grouphug:

 

I know they'll have to see if the tumor is operable or not. Pathology has to see if it is malignant or not. Not sure if they will follow up with radiation or chemotherapy at this point. But there was talk last night of having to check her spine and lungs to make sure the melanoma didn't spread to those regions. Will know more later on tonight. Hubby is driving there and it is close to an 12-13 hour trip. I'm praying he doesn't lose it emotionally (its been a "dilly" of a year for him) and stays strong for his parents.

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It is very hard to assume the parenting role for your parents/in-laws, and it's a sad day when you realize that you MUST do so. That is where you are. Somehow, you MUST help and guide them to make good decisions.

 

I'm so sorry that you are facing this kind of health crisis and that you live far away. That makes the whole thing so much harder. You'll be in my prayers.

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I am so sorry and my prayers are with you. Metastic melanoma is extremely difficult to treat. One of my relatives, however, got this diagnosis and lived for many years afterward with the disease in remission. He participated in a program that his doctor found for him through the National Cancer Institute.

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:grouphug:

 

I'm so very sorry for what your family is experiencing. My aunt is dying of a brain tumor. She's not that much older than me, and our mothers had a business together, so we grew up as sisters. It has been 6 1/2 years now with this tumor--each and every year the drs have told us she will die soon, but she lingers yet.

 

It's been a strange, often painful, and often healing and life-affirming, journey for us. Prior to diagnosis, I really, truly thought my aunt might be mentally ill. There were some hard years in our relationship due to what I now understand to be the effects of the tumor. The tumor actually erased those hard years completely, both by giving me understanding, but also because my dear aunt literally doesn't remember those unhappy times. I thank God every time I visit with her that the tumor brought us even closer than we had been as children.

 

It is truly the hardest path I have had to walk as an adult, helping Lisa die and helping raise her children (five of them 14yo and under). I read your post with sadness and prayed for you today. If you want to talk, ask questions, just pm me. I'm glad to help in any way.

 

:grouphug:

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Oh strider :( :grouphug:

We've been surprised by the blessings we've found, dealing with my mom's illness. It's amazing.

Thanks. That really does sum up how I feel at the moment. :sad:

I think 'A Series of Unfortunate Events' said it best when they compared it to climbing steps and expecting one more step, but it's just not there.

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what a tough, tough situation. I am SO sorry you are going through this.

 

I also had to become the parent to help my parents, and my mother, when I brought her home to care for her, was like an infant who talked sometimes, fed herself sometimes, but that was it. It was heart breaking. I felt tremendous pain and dread as I saw her deteriorate. it's very hard to watch that with someone we love.

 

How will your mil survive in such a rural area? Surely she will need emergency services at some point. I think you need to have a long, realistic talk with fil. Will he be able to care for her alone?

 

Where does the sister live? How does the mother care for her? I have a brother who is a paranoid schizophrenic. He finally moved out on his own at the age of 40. My parents bought him a condo and he's on disability. His money pays for him to stay in his own place, which is good because I couldn't have him living here as he's had many violent outbreaks in the past. He has done well on his own, not mentally but he's able to take care of everything. My father set up all his bills to be automatically paid, his social security is automatically deposited (I did this as I'm his represtantative payee) but really, he's been far less work than I ever imagined. He was a HUGE drain on my parents but they enabled him. Maybe it's the same with you all? Maybe your sil will make it somehow? Or, is there a group home she could go live in?

 

Again, I'm so very sorry you're facing this. I've been through taking care of the parents, we have no family (my sister is bipolar AND an extremely difficult person and I just can't remain in a toxic relationship with her) other than my brother, and he's mentally ill. I've been through so much that you're going to face. Please, anytime you need to talk, I will call you or we can chat through PM's. I will be an ear for you, offer support, anything.:grouphug:

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:grouphug:

 

I'm so very sorry for what your family is experiencing. My aunt is dying of a brain tumor. She's not that much older than me, and our mothers had a business together, so we grew up as sisters. It has been 6 1/2 years now with this tumor--each and every year the drs have told us she will die soon, but she lingers yet.

 

It's been a strange, often painful, and often healing and life-affirming, journey for us. Prior to diagnosis, I really, truly thought my aunt might be mentally ill. There were some hard years in our relationship due to what I now understand to be the effects of the tumor. The tumor actually erased those hard years completely, both by giving me understanding, but also because my dear aunt literally doesn't remember those unhappy times. I thank God every time I visit with her that the tumor brought us even closer than we had been as children.

 

It is truly the hardest path I have had to walk as an adult, helping Lisa die and helping raise her children (five of them 14yo and under). I read your post with sadness and prayed for you today. If you want to talk, ask questions, just pm me. I'm glad to help in any way.

 

:grouphug:

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Thank you so much for those words... they really speak to my heart.

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what a tough, tough situation. I am SO sorry you are going through this.

 

I also had to become the parent to help my parents, and my mother, when I brought her home to care for her, was like an infant who talked sometimes, fed herself sometimes, but that was it. It was heart breaking. I felt tremendous pain and dread as I saw her deteriorate. it's very hard to watch that with someone we love.

Yes... so true. The strange part is that I feel so much closer to my MIL than my own mother, kwim? My mother died (due to the rare liver disease son & I share...) but towards her last few years of life we did not get along. I stopped all communication with my own mother as it was like I was the "parent" and she was the "child". I came to terms and am now okay with the dysfunction I grew up in. But now am grieving (I never did this with my own mom) over my MIL's diagnosis like a daughter. I am partly frustrated that there may be the possibility she won't be around (malignant melanoma is difficult to treat with radiation & chemo -- it is a silent killer) for her grandson. I wish I could go back in time and re-do time spent together. And she is not there mentally -- the tumor is causing her to behave irrational. Tonight, she acted out in the hospital room when she overheard her son talking about treatment options. She isn't all there in the noggin. I know her son (my hubby) wants to talk to her, but that is not possible right now.

 

How will your mil survive in such a rural area? Surely she will need emergency services at some point. I think you need to have a long, realistic talk with fil. Will he be able to care for her alone?

That is the golden question. Realistically she has to be in Albuquerque for now. The tiny rural town she is from has nothing to help with treatment. We've been down this road with the ILs for years now on this one. They want us to move closer to be with them and we resist due to this factor for son and my health issues. FIL cannot take care of her on his own. He needs help. By what I said with MIL ruling the roost -- she also controlled the finances -- FIL never keeps track of money and trusted MIL would take care of everything. Yikes. And right now, with hubby being unemployed -- it is looking like moving there may be our only answer in a few months. (Unless miraculously a job or funding happens to keep us here in TX.)

 

Where does the sister live? How does the mother care for her? I have a brother who is a paranoid schizophrenic. He finally moved out on his own at the age of 40. My parents bought him a condo and he's on disability. His money pays for him to stay in his own place, which is good because I couldn't have him living here as he's had many violent outbreaks in the past. He has done well on his own, not mentally but he's able to take care of everything. My father set up all his bills to be automatically paid, his social security is automatically deposited (I did this as I'm his represtantative payee) but really, he's been far less work than I ever imagined. He was a HUGE drain on my parents but they enabled him. Maybe it's the same with you all? Maybe your sil will make it somehow? Or, is there a group home she could go live in?

 

Sister lives down the street from IL's house. Her parents (my ILs) set up a Special Needs Trust for her along with SSI Disability. They bought her a mobile home and car. She gets food stamps, medicaid, and SSI. She used to be homeless and in and out of mental institutions years ago. She has done well in the last 10-15 years with no relapses. She is heavily drugged and sleeps most of the day. Her cognitive skills are deteriorated. She is absolutely sweet and my personal favorite gal. (I tend to be protective of her.) But I also know she has paranoia and if stressed -- she can be a danger to others. My MIL had her dd on a daily schedule for meds, she came over for meals, she helped out with chores, etc. I don't even know if FIL is capable of being that organized. (Let alone keeping track of her paperwork for medicaid/food stamps/SSI/social worker) I know she cannot be left alone -- she refuses to think of a halfway or group home. But has been known to be careless and sleep while a fire in the kitchen is going from a cigarette, for example. She is like a young pre-teen basically. Only she is 52 years old. My hubby (her younger brother) has always stressed and worried about the day he would have to be his sister's keeper -- now that day may be coming soon?

 

Again, I'm so very sorry you're facing this. I've been through taking care of the parents, we have no family (my sister is bipolar AND an extremely difficult person and I just can't remain in a toxic relationship with her) other than my brother, and he's mentally ill. I've been through so much that you're going to face. Please, anytime you need to talk, I will call you or we can chat through PM's. I will be an ear for you, offer support, anything.:grouphug:

 

Thank you. :grouphug: I may PM you later -- I do appreciate it.

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I think it's so beautiful that you and your mil are so close. You need to allow your grieving process to play out on it's own. It's a very individual thing. So much is at stake, and I know what that's like. Although I do have a sister, she's two hours away from my brother, and I'm 25 minutes. I knew we'd have this responsibility and I felt so badly thinking of that at the same time I was grieving the rapid decline first of my father, and then my mother 11 months later. I know you know this, but enjoy your mother and take NOTHING she says to heart. It will be hard/heart breaking at times, but you know it's not her talking. I wasn't prepared for the times my mother was so abusive towards me but what helped was that I knew her brain was filled with disease. It *killed* me when she became physically abusive with my girls. If she had known she would do that I think she would have ended her own life first.

 

My girls never, ever were hurt emotionally by the treatment they sometimes received from my mother. My oldest always loved her and never saw her as anything other than her much loved, beautiful Nana. ALL my kids would laugh when my mother said horrible things to or about them. My boys were old enough to understand what was going on. I'm sure you're going to want to talk to your son about how his grandmother is behaving so that you can help him cope with the changes. If you need outside help, the chaplains and social workers at the hospital, along with Hospice workers, are a WONDERFUL resource. If you need extra help for your son, please contact them. They were WONDERFUL.

 

At the same time you're worrying about mil and thinking about taking responsibility for sil, you're also going to see your fil literally fall apart. My father watching my mother's rapid decline was so horrific on him. He tried his hardest to hold out until she died. It didn't happen that way. I promised him on his death bed that I'd take care of my mother and that my brother would be ok, that I'd look out for him, too. I'm sorry to lay this all on you, but really, so many things are happening all at once.

 

I hope your sil will be able to handle everything ok. Be prepared and watch for stress cracks. My brother was not able to handle losing his Rock, his dad, his best friend, the person who always made his life ok. The night my dad died we had to put him in a psyche ward and he was there for months. He's done ok since then but he's still struggling with the loss of my parents. He goes to therapy weekly. HE got the courage to check HIMSELF in to a mental hospital several times since the death of my parents. NEVER did I think he would be able to do this. I hope your sil will be able to do the same, to make a way to do it all on her own. I never, ever thought my brother could make it on his own for so long but he has. He has a very lonely life and I do what I can, but he has found his way. I hope and pray for the same for your sil.

 

If you do have to move to NM, it will not be forever. I can tell you for sure that caring for my mother the last seven months of her life was the absolute hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and the most rewarding. I am SO glad I was able to give her a good end of life. It was also wonderful for my kids. You're going to want to spend as much time with your MOM as you can, so maybe this will be a good thing. I pray that you and your son will not have issues during that time, should you go.

 

Somehow you will find the strength to get through all of this. I oftentimes felt like I was on autopilot. You and your husband will somehow draw enough strength to help your mil, fil and sil because you CAN. That's what I kept telling myself about my sister and my brother - I'd let them rant and rave and go off and I'd hold it together BECAUSE I COULD, they COULD NOT. But again, keep a close eye on your sil. Her history sounds SO similar to my brothers.

 

Never hesitate to contact me!!!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

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I think it's so beautiful that you and your mil are so close. You need to allow your grieving process to play out on it's own. It's a very individual thing. So much is at stake, and I know what that's like. Although I do have a sister, she's two hours away from my brother, and I'm 25 minutes. I knew we'd have this responsibility and I felt so badly thinking of that at the same time I was grieving the rapid decline first of my father, and then my mother 11 months later. I know you know this, but enjoy your mother and take NOTHING she says to heart. It will be hard/heart breaking at times, but you know it's not her talking. I wasn't prepared for the times my mother was so abusive towards me but what helped was that I knew her brain was filled with disease. It *killed* me when she became physically abusive with my girls. If she had known she would do that I think she would have ended her own life first.

 

My girls never, ever were hurt emotionally by the treatment they sometimes received from my mother. My oldest always loved her and never saw her as anything other than her much loved, beautiful Nana. ALL my kids would laugh when my mother said horrible things to or about them. My boys were old enough to understand what was going on. I'm sure you're going to want to talk to your son about how his grandmother is behaving so that you can help him cope with the changes. If you need outside help, the chaplains and social workers at the hospital, along with Hospice workers, are a WONDERFUL resource. If you need extra help for your son, please contact them. They were WONDERFUL.

 

At the same time you're worrying about mil and thinking about taking responsibility for sil, you're also going to see your fil literally fall apart. My father watching my mother's rapid decline was so horrific on him. He tried his hardest to hold out until she died. It didn't happen that way. I promised him on his death bed that I'd take care of my mother and that my brother would be ok, that I'd look out for him, too. I'm sorry to lay this all on you, but really, so many things are happening all at once.

 

I hope your sil will be able to handle everything ok. Be prepared and watch for stress cracks. My brother was not able to handle losing his Rock, his dad, his best friend, the person who always made his life ok. The night my dad died we had to put him in a psyche ward and he was there for months. He's done ok since then but he's still struggling with the loss of my parents. He goes to therapy weekly. HE got the courage to check HIMSELF in to a mental hospital several times since the death of my parents. NEVER did I think he would be able to do this. I hope your sil will be able to do the same, to make a way to do it all on her own. I never, ever thought my brother could make it on his own for so long but he has. He has a very lonely life and I do what I can, but he has found his way. I hope and pray for the same for your sil.

 

If you do have to move to NM, it will not be forever. I can tell you for sure that caring for my mother the last seven months of her life was the absolute hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and the most rewarding. I am SO glad I was able to give her a good end of life. It was also wonderful for my kids. You're going to want to spend as much time with your MOM as you can, so maybe this will be a good thing. I pray that you and your son will not have issues during that time, should you go.

 

Somehow you will find the strength to get through all of this. I oftentimes felt like I was on autopilot. You and your husband will somehow draw enough strength to help your mil, fil and sil because you CAN. That's what I kept telling myself about my sister and my brother - I'd let them rant and rave and go off and I'd hold it together BECAUSE I COULD, they COULD NOT. But again, keep a close eye on your sil. Her history sounds SO similar to my brothers.

 

Never hesitate to contact me!!!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

:grouphug:THANK YOU:grouphug:

I am telling myself it is one day at a time -- trying not to look at the whole ball of wax and panicking. *WHEW*

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