springmama Posted October 27, 2010 Share Posted October 27, 2010 My husbands brother is getting married on Saturday. My husband is not in the wedding, but assumes we are expected to attend the rehearsal dinner on Friday night. My FIL is paying for it, and my husband assumes that since his father is paying, we are automatically invited. Our family is scattered and every time we are all together, FIL always pays for a big dinner out. He also pays for vacations and other big things and he loves to have all three of his boys together for family events. I think my husband sees this as one of those times when his dad wants everyone together. I am trying to stay out of it, but fear embarrassing myself and my family by doing the wrong thing. The way I see it these are my options- 1. showing up where we aren't wanted because my husband made assumptions 2. asking my FIL if we should come, and then putting him on the spot. I mean he's not going to tell my husband not to come 3. Putting my foot down and telling my husband that we are not going because we are not in the wedding party, then having everyone think I'm mean and controlling because they assumed we were going to be there. I won't even mention the fact that my mil and fil are divorced and remarried to other people and my MIL holds major grudges and has turned my husbands brothers away from their father. My husband is the only one who can stand to be around my FIL....sigh...and FIL has inherited his mothers controlling nature. They think they know what everyone wants and they make plans for the entire family thinking they are all doing us favors when really we'd rather do the opposite....sigh.. oh wait...maybe I just did mention it. Raise your hand if family weddings make you crazy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer in MI Posted October 27, 2010 Share Posted October 27, 2010 :grouphug: How about option 4: Ask your dh's brother if you're invited? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted October 27, 2010 Share Posted October 27, 2010 Have your husband call and ask if you're expected. You can always say you have something else going on if Dad balks. I'd be mortified to show up somewhere I wasn't invited! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted October 27, 2010 Share Posted October 27, 2010 Why don't you call FIL and ask him. Or you can plan on going and just show up at the restaurant. Once there is they act shocked to see you, you can pretend that you just happened to be having dinner out with your dh at that particular restaurant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
springmama Posted October 27, 2010 Author Share Posted October 27, 2010 Have your husband call and ask if you're expected. You can always say you have something else going on if Dad balks. I'd be mortified to show up somewhere I wasn't invited! Well that's part of the problem. My FIL and my dh are very very close. They are much closer than my FIL is with my dh's brothers. He will not balk. Sigh... actually he probably wants us there, but I wonder if the brides family will wonder why we are there. Of course, FIL is paying...ugh. I did read some etiquette sites that say out of town guests and siblings are usually invited...and we are both, so maybe it's not such a big deal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer in MI Posted October 27, 2010 Share Posted October 27, 2010 Well that's part of the problem. My FIL and my dh are very very close. They are much closer than my FIL is with my dh's brothers. He will not balk. Sigh... actually he probably wants us there, but I wonder if the brides family will wonder why we are there. Of course, FIL is paying...ugh. I did read some etiquette sites that say out of town guests and siblings are usually invited...and we are both, so maybe it's not such a big deal. Every rehearsal dinner I've been to has always included all the siblings of the bride/groom even if they weren't in the actual wedding party. Better not to assume though Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted October 27, 2010 Share Posted October 27, 2010 I'm like your husband; just assuming you're invited based on relationship (and also FIL's past actions). How awkward, for you, though. Hmm. It sounds like you know the time and place of the dinner -- are you sure you weren't informally invited by virtue of being privy to that information? I like Jennifer in MI's solution: have the brothers talk. Honestly, I'd be hurt if my sibling didn't show up and wrong as it is -- I'd probably think to myself it was the fault of the "spouse" who cared enough about protocol to not show up without a formal invite, but not enough about family to just ask the embarassing question. My family is casual, though. It's always assumed family is invited. Your situation gave me pause to think about this sort of thing in the future; we have people who married in and are never quite sure what is going on. I'll know now to be clearer when I'm hosting something. Please ask. The awkwardness will not last nearly as long as the memories will, if #3 ends up happening. And even if #2 proves true, it doesn't sound like your FIL is the type who will forever refer to you as the "party crasher who put him on the spot" -- sounds like he'd be more than happy to include you in the family's celebration, bridal party or otherwise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted October 27, 2010 Share Posted October 27, 2010 Every rehearsal dinner I've been to has always included all the siblings of the bride/groom even if they weren't in the actual wedding party. Better not to assume though I agree. I would call. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted October 27, 2010 Share Posted October 27, 2010 :grouphug: How about option 4: Ask your dh's brother if you're invited? :iagree: Seems to be the best way to handle the situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted October 27, 2010 Share Posted October 27, 2010 (edited) I did read some etiquette sites that say out of town guests and siblings are usually invited...and we are both, so maybe it's not such a big deal. Every out-of-town wedding I've ever been to has included people coming from afar in the rehearsal dinner. We did for our wedding as well, but we specifically told people we expected them. Edited October 27, 2010 by Mejane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
springmama Posted October 27, 2010 Author Share Posted October 27, 2010 Yes, it is awkward for me. I'm not related to ANY of these people, lol! We dont' live near them. I don't know them. I'm not comfortable breaking the rules of etiquette with these people. Yes, they are my in laws but they are pretty much strangers to me. I see them once a year. Not to mention the fact that we are also dealing with the brides family, whom my husband and I have never met. What will they think of us. Of course we live 5 hours away from brides family and I probably shouldn't care. But this is all about the bride and groom. Just because FIL is paying, that doesn't mean he gets to make the guest list. DH and his brother are not close. His brother is 7 years younger than him and dh moved out when he was 18. So the last time they lived together his brother was only 11. I just want to stay home. I hate being around my mil and fil at the same time. They hate each other. they even argued while walking down the aisle at my wedding. People heard them muttering under their breath. They got divorced a few years later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
springmama Posted October 27, 2010 Author Share Posted October 27, 2010 Every out-of-town wedding I've ever been to has included people coming from afar in the rehearsal dinner. We did for our wedding as well, but we specifically told people we expected them. We were told when and where, but it was my FIL who told my dh. My husband and his brothers don't talk much. The age difference and difference of interest, and distance just allowed them to drift apart and they aren't friends. I don't think there are hard feelings, but they just don't talk often. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted October 27, 2010 Share Posted October 27, 2010 Can you beg off for the night and just let your husband attend the dinner? You'll be at the wedding the next day. Just a thought... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
springmama Posted October 27, 2010 Author Share Posted October 27, 2010 Ooh that might work! I could blame it on the kids' colds. I could say I want them to rest because they will be required to be up late the next night for the 6pm wedding. Yes. This might work, but I'll have to be careful not to look like the meanie. I don't know why I'm letting this bother me so much. When we got married, we didn't live near any of our friends and family. ALL of our wedding guests came to our house for BBQ after the rehearsal because I didn't want them all just sitting around their hotel rooms being bored. We had a great time and I even made some new friends that night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted October 27, 2010 Share Posted October 27, 2010 I don't know why I'm letting this bother me so much. When we got married, we didn't live near any of our friends and family. ALL of our wedding guests came to our house for BBQ after the rehearsal because I didn't want them all just sitting around their hotel rooms being bored. We had a great time and I even made some new friends that night. The rehearsal dinner can be an ice-breaker for the wedding. You might enjoy yourself more if you already know people. How's that for mixed messages? :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
springmama Posted October 27, 2010 Author Share Posted October 27, 2010 Well now I'm confused. I wonder if I could beg dh to call his father and ask him to casually mention it to his brother, saying somethign like "hey, do you want me to invite Mike to the rehearsal dinner?" Dh and FIL are close enough that FIL can easily relay this message to DH without fearing hurt feelings. They are kind of brutally honest with each other, I think. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted October 27, 2010 Share Posted October 27, 2010 Another vote for dh calling his brother! Around here, all of out-of-town guests and family are invited to the rehearsal dinner. I'd go and socialize with dh's brothers & family - it's an opportunity to get to know them better. But certainly don't stress too much about this - remember, you only see them once a year!! :D Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted October 27, 2010 Share Posted October 27, 2010 Don't assume anything either way. Just call and ask matter-of-factly if you're expected to attend or should you plan to just see everyone at the wedding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 I can't imagine a rehearsal dinner where siblings or out of town guests were excluded, so I'd assume I was invited. I'd expect a written invite but not all families do it that way. Since you're in doubt, call someone. I love rehearsal dinners, they tend to be more laid back than the main event :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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