Blog Entry

[Impish]

I've posted a new entry on my non stepford blog. Warning: its very dark, written on no sleep.

[TheCoffeeChick]

:grouphug: (very lightly)

[Chris in VA]

Oh Honey, I'm so sorry.

 

I will tell you I've had similar dark thoughts in the past. At one point, I was suicidal, and the only thing that saved me from jumping into the pool or the canal was the thought of my two boys growing up without a mom, and how that would hurt them.

 

I wish I could help you. You will constantly be in my prayers.

[Impish]

:grouphug: (very lightly)

 

Oh Honey, I'm so sorry.

 

I will tell you I've had similar dark thoughts in the past. At one point, I was suicidal, and the only thing that saved me from jumping into the pool or the canal was the thought of my two boys growing up without a mom, and how that would hurt them.

 

I wish I could help you. You will constantly be in my prayers.

Thank you both. Some nights all the darkness just washes up.

[jazzyfizzle]

I have been in this life altering section of time. I've lived with, and live with, a debilitating body, pain. Sleep? Not any more.

For a long time (a couple years?) my mind would not come to terms with my new body. I wanted to my old body back, d*mn it, the one that went strongly all day, every day and was always on the go. I was in a constant state of anger, denial, depression, panic. I slid into a section of PTSD. I've been through a lot, and that ranks pretty high on the list, I have to say.

 

After time, slowly, my mind came into agreement with my body. I adjusted everything around me. It all had to alter for me, that was just the way it had to be. No longer was Mom the one able to enjoy doing all the yardwork, plants,flowers, mowing (I was a landscaper- this alone was devastating). No longer could Mom go to the grocery and carry in the all the groceries. Now, if I went somewhere and gave any effort, I could be down for days. Now, there were whole days that Mom and the couch were one. Sometimes Mom couldn't even cook, let alone do anything else.

I had to sleep and lie down when I could, or needed to, no matter when that was.

Not only did my mind have to adjust, everyone else in my life had to also. I was a challenge. Eventually they all got it. Now, I am ok with my new life. It is full of pain, weakness and fatigue every single day. But I choose to go on, and fill it as I can. It is different, and nothing like we envisioned, gosh no. But it is good it its new way. It is what I call my 'new normal'.

[Impish]

I'm working on accepting. Just when I think I've gotten there, something rises up and smacks me back a few steps in the grieving process.

 

Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry you've walked the road you have, but thank you for sharing it with me.

[MariannNOVA]

I'm working on accepting. Just when I think I've gotten there, something rises up and smacks me back a few steps in the grieving process.

 

Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry you've walked the road you have, but thank you for sharing it with me.

 

 

Oh, Imp -- gentle, not really touching :grouphug::grouphug:s.

 

I feel for you -- I cannot imagine how this must be with children and homeschooling. G-d bless Wolf -- (I say the same about my son in law everday). G-d bless you. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Impish]

Thanks Mariann.

 

I'll admit, there are times that Wolf says/does something really insensitive/jerky that makes me want to haul off and kick him in the...shins. I realize that he's frustrated/angry/mourning the loss of the wife he had and his complete inability to do a darn thing to make any of it better...but at that moment in time I just wanna smuck him one. Like, "If you're going to be up all night, you could have at least made my lunch". :001_huh::glare:

 

Then there are days he takes off work b/c I haven't slept in 3 days + and he discovered me asleep when he got up for work. And when he inserts the needle for the infusions...and just last wk when he was taking it out, he was almost in tears b/c somehow it had resulted in a blister the size of the tip to first knuckle of your thumb, and he had to pull off the plastic bandage knowing it was going to rip the blister off.

 

You know you hs when you're looking at the bandage after and thinking about how to make a slide for the microscope though! :lol:

 

I love him. He loves me. Statistically, we're defying the odds...many relationships die in the first 12-18 mths. We're over 2 yrs in.

 

I'm used to *doing* for my family. Wolf used to brag about my ability to 'put him back together'...No matter what he did at work or playing hockey, I was always able to massage him back into fit...now I can't. And it kills me. All those things that were taking care of my family...making bread, etc...gone.

 

I hate it. And am trying really, really hard not to hate myself along the way.

[Mom2absh]

:grouphug: :grouphug: I'm sorry. :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

 

J

[MariannNOVA]

Thanks Mariann.

 

I'll admit, there are times that Wolf says/does something really insensitive/jerky that makes me want to haul off and kick him in the...shins. I realize that he's frustrated/angry/mourning the loss of the wife he had and his complete inability to do a darn thing to make any of it better...but at that moment in time I just wanna smuck him one. Like, "If you're going to be up all night, you could have at least made my lunch". :001_huh::glare:

 

Then there are days he takes off work b/c I haven't slept in 3 days + and he discovered me asleep when he got up for work. And when he inserts the needle for the infusions...and just last wk when he was taking it out, he was almost in tears b/c somehow it had resulted in a blister the size of the tip to first knuckle of your thumb, and he had to pull off the plastic bandage knowing it was going to rip the blister off.

 

You know you hs when you're looking at the bandage after and thinking about how to make a slide for the microscope though! :lol:

 

I love him. He loves me. Statistically, we're defying the odds...many relationships die in the first 12-18 mths. We're over 2 yrs in.

 

I'm used to *doing* for my family. Wolf used to brag about my ability to 'put him back together'...No matter what he did at work or playing hockey, I was always able to massage him back into fit...now I can't. And it kills me. All those things that were taking care of my family...making bread, etc...gone.

 

I hate it. And am trying really, really hard not to hate myself along the way.

 

I hear you, Imp. Continuing to pray for you. :grouphug::grouphug: I know that it doesn't help at all, but I feel for you.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Impish]

You're wrong, Mariann. It helps to know that I've been heard, that you care. I'm so sorry that your dd has RSD, I wish for both your sakes that its knowledge you have. I'd rather have RSD than watch one of my kids deal w/it, so I can well imagine how much worse it is for you, having to stand and witness your dd's struggles. :grouphug:

[MariannNOVA]

You're wrong, Mariann. It helps to know that I've been heard, that you care. I'm so sorry that your dd has RSD, I wish for both your sakes that its knowledge you have. I'd rather have RSD than watch one of my kids deal w/it, so I can well imagine how much worse it is for you, having to stand and witness your dd's struggles. :grouphug:

 

Oh, Imp - I hurt for both of you, unfortunately, not enough though. One day at a time, Imp. DD actually told me today that she has a one to two year plan to get back to med school, do her rotations, her residency and join a practice. She was joking that it's kind of ironic that she has spent MORE time than anyone in doctor's offices the past five years. I, for one, have not been able until today to intellectualize that she might ever feel well enough to even consider completing her education. I am so thankful, and I stand amazed.

 

On the downside, her insurance company is making her undergo an IME with a doctor of their choosing - this is NEVER a good thing and we are all putting it to prayer.

 

Hang in there!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: However crappy you feel, know that you are on my constant prayer list.:grouphug:

[Impish]

I'm so glad that your dd is able to plan her future and complete her education. That's so wonderful!

 

That's the thing with RSD. Take 5 ppl with it, and have 5 different situations. A treatment that works for 2 doesn't for the other 3. Its so difficult to treat. My pain specialist told me when I first met him that the best he was hoping for was a 30% reduction in pain. He's since told me that I'm his most difficult case b/c its been so unresponsive to treatments. *sigh*

 

When the med you're on for pain is the same med they give to get ppl off of heroin, you know there's an issue. I especially love having to deal with a new dr, and the automatic widening of eyes and, "Do you have addiction issues?"

 

I've been through so many IMEs, I can't even remember the number off hand. They all agreed to my having RSD, and one said I was capable of sedentary work...the rest have agreed with my drs in saying unfit for any employment. Just thinking about IMEs makes my stomach do a queasy roll.

 

Its the complete powerlessness...being sent to a stranger, put in that gown, and having to allow them to hurt me, knowing that the pain they see is just the beginning.

 

I wish her all the best. :grouphug: Your prayers are absolutely appreciated.