Grandfather is going downhill...what would you do?

[kristavws]

I spoke with my mom today, and my grandfather's health is going downhill. He will be 90 in December. Two-weeks ago he was living in one of those apartment complexes for older people who are still able to care for themselves. He was still able to get around with his cane , cook for himself, and care for himself. He even went on a boat-trip with the group. Last week he became ill and developed several blood clots. At the end of the week, they had to move him into a nursing home. My mom told me he had to have a blood transfusion yesterday, and things do not look good. He is still himself, but his health is obviously failing.

 

I was very close to my grandparents growing up. We went to their house every Saturday, and every Sunday, after church. My grandparents were the greatest. So much so, that when I was in high school, and was out with my friends, it was not uncommon for one of them to suggest we stop by and visit them. Sometimes we would literally hang out with them for hours.

 

The dilemma - My family lives all the way on the other side of the country. Right now, I can not afford to fly and see him now, and then fly back in the not to distant future for a funeral. I know this sounds terrible, but buying plane tickets on short notice is so expensive. I can not decide what to do.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Krista

[myfunnybunch]

How important are funerals to your family? What do your parents think would be the best choice?

 

I don't know what the right choice will be for you. My family does not make a big deal of funerals. In your shoes, if I had to choose, I'd go now for one last chance to speak with him and hold his hand.

 

Cat

[Mrs Mungo]

We have done it both ways. Usually, we have flown home to see the person while they were still living. When we can I go home or dh goes home for the funeral alone, without the rest of the family. There have been a couple times we could only take one trip and we did it before.

[Harriet Vane]

I would go sooner rather than later. To me it would mean more to speak to him again.

 

YMMV :grouphug:

[jenL]

Krista ~ :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm sorry you are struggling with this, but your post hit me because this is something I think about often as my grandparents are 1000 miles away, and they are getting older. Like you, they were my life growing up, and we spent every weekend with them.

 

I have not had to make this decision, but I know it will come at some point. Like you, I have no idea how I would decide because I wouldn't be able to afford it either. There are so many unknowns unless the doctors have given a timeline of how much time he has left. If he only has 24-48 hours, then I would go if it were me, and I would stay through the funeral if it was held shortly after. If you are dealing with several days and/or weeks, then I would wait until it were more dire. I would want the chance to speak to him if I could, so that is what would make me go sooner rather than later.

 

I'm probably not much help here. This is something that worries me about my own grandparents.

 

I will be praying for you as you struggle with this situation. :grouphug:

[Mama Geek]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I would probably go while he is still alive so that I could have one last visit with him.

[kalanamak]

Go now, and be a comfort to him. Go, now, and be a comfort to him. Go be a comfort for him now.

 

However I say it, it means the same thing.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Mejane]

I would go sooner rather than later. To me it would mean more to speak to him again.

 

YMMV :grouphug:

 

:iagree:I didn't go when my grandfather had major surgery because I couldn't take the time off work. A week later I was flying out to his funeral. I've always regretted it.

[Julie in AZ]

I'd go now. My mom was just in ICU with pneumonia. It meant so much that my brothers came out.

[Anne]

My beloved mil died earlier this year. All of her grandkids were able to go visit her for a few days *while she was still in pretty good shape*, although we knew she was dying.

 

It meant so much to her to see them all again, to look them in the eye and hug them.

 

Go now.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Anne

[OrganicAnn]

Sometimes when people have a sharp decline in health, they have a decline in mental capacity. Sometimes it is because of medicine or other issues, if he would not recognize you then it could change your decision. You might try to get a relative who is visiting him to help you figure out whether or not he would really know you. That could change your decision. No matter what you do, be kind to yourself. You can't be in all places at all times.

Edited October 27, 2010 by OrganicAnn

[SweetMissMagnolia]

:iagree: :grouphug:

[ChristusG]

Go now. Funerals are for the family....to help with closure. But your grandfather is alive now. It's more important to see him and talk with him before his time is up.

[1bassoon]

Guess where I'm driving tomorrow?

 

To see my 91 year old grandmother, and sit with her for what will most likely be the last time.

 

Have a frank discussion with your mom about the choice: do I go now, or later? And then do what your heart needs you to do. If you need to go see your grandfather now, then go. You won't have another chance.

[Alyce]

My father died last year. He was admitted into the hospital for a light stroke. He had lost some of the use of his right hand. The Dr told him they would have to send him to a rehab facility. We were waiting for placement. I asked my sister if I should come and she said no that he was doing fine. 2 day later I got the call that he had died during the night. I did go to his funeral but it was horrible because I felt like I never got to say goodbye. I still hurt and guilt because I didn't go. If I could do it again I'd have gone and if I couldn't make the funeral that would be okay, at least I would have been able to say goodbye.

 

As a nurse I do want to mention one thing. In situations where the person is older, has been living on their own and find themselves admitted to a nursing home it is not uncommon for them to give up. In these situation the person doesn't live long. The emotional state of someone is just as important as their physical state. I am convinced, after talking with my sister and learning things that she had not told me about my Dad's hospital stay, that this is what happened to him. He knew "rehab" meant a nursing home. That's another reason I would vote for you to go now.

[DaffodilDreams]

Another vote for "go now". I lost my grandfather two years ago. He was almost 92. He was really more of a father to me than my own bio dad, and his passing was very hard for me. I spoke with him on a TH, and he sounded fine - - old, but feisty and still funny. Sunday am I received a call that he was not well. Sunday evening he was gone. I would give anything to have been able to see him again (I lived far away from him as an adult but lived with my grandparents off and on throughout my childhood and into early teens). Instead, I was at his funeral a few days later. If you are close to your grandfather, go now.

[gaillardia]

:iagree:with go now. Would you be flying to go now? Research airlines, discount tickets, discount emergency fares and what you have to provide the airline with to prove relationship. You can also get bereavement discounts if you decide to wait.

What a great man he must have been to you.:grouphug:

[Pippen]

Look for discount flights on cheapoair or priceline. Play around with the options because moving departure or arrival date around can make a big difference in cost.

[Mrs Mungo]

:iagree:with go now. Would you be flying to go now? Research airlines, discount tickets, discount emergency fares and what you have to provide the airline with to prove relationship. You can also get bereavement discounts if you decide to wait.

What a great man he must have been to you.:grouphug:

 

When I flew home for my grandfather's funeral last year the bereavement fares were more expensive than buying tickets online.

[Guest mrsjamiesouth]

I spoke with my mom today, and my grandfather's health is going downhill. He will be 90 in December. Two-weeks ago he was living in one of those apartment complexes for older people who are still able to care for themselves. He was still able to get around with his cane , cook for himself, and care for himself. He even went on a boat-trip with the group. Last week he became ill and developed several blood clots. At the end of the week, they had to move him into a nursing home. My mom told me he had to have a blood transfusion yesterday, and things do not look good. He is still himself, but his health is obviously failing.

 

I was very close to my grandparents growing up. We went to their house every Saturday, and every Sunday, after church. My grandparents were the greatest. So much so, that when I was in high school, and was out with my friends, it was not uncommon for one of them to suggest we stop by and visit them. Sometimes we would literally hang out with them for hours.

 

The dilemma - My family lives all the way on the other side of the country. Right now, I can not afford to fly and see him now, and then fly back in the not to distant future for a funeral. I know this sounds terrible, but buying plane tickets on short notice is so expensive. I can not decide what to do.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Krista

 

 

I would go see him alive and not at the funeral if I had to pick. I nursed both of my paternal grandparents, whom I was very close to, while they were dying and I cherish those last days.

[kristavws]

I spoke with my brother, who just went to see him, and he seems to be doing better. I have decided to go ahead and fly back to see him early next month though.

 

I would like to thank you all for your kind words and advice.

 

Krista

[Remudamom]

I saw grandma before she died and did not go back for the funeral.