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good news and bad news


choirfarm
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My in-laws REALLY wanted to have my daughter all by herself for a week this summer, but it didn't work out. She did go with her brothers. My sil has a daughter a year younger and they had a blast last year at Halloween. So they asked for her to come and stay this week. My mil offered to do school with her. I was a little hesitant. My in-laws have always been supportive. But my mil just retired after teaching 3rd grade for 30 years and my sil taught 3rd grade for 10 years or so before becoming a vice principal. My daughter is 3rd grade. So.. yes she could certainly do it, but what would she think of my curriculum. She had those vision problems and is fine reading but to me is behind in math and writing.

Well, she went.

 

I talked to mil today. She said, it is so hard to get it done. we keep having interuptions like the yard man or PaPa needs something or we're running to the doctor. I don't see how you do this with three. She is SO smart and she's not behind in math at all. She knows those subtraction facts really well. (Same one that she looks at me with a deer int he headlights look!!!) She asks such GREAT questions about everything. She is just a jewel. I had warned my daughter that she better be good and that school would be harder, but she told me it has been So much easier!!

 

Ok.. so it must be me!!! To be honest, I hate teaching the little ones. I taught high school and so I don't know what it appropriate and what isn't. The boys could read and write REALLY well when I took them out, so we just went with content. To me, she seems slow and stubborn and whiny.

 

On the other hand. This week has been SO nice. I've gotten more done in the last two days than I normally do over a couple of weeks. The boys are 8th and 10th and so independent. We have conferences on things like Great Gatsby or TOG discussions or to discuss grades on math, but there is no real "teaching." Not having her has freed up SO much time. She would love to go to school and we end up at each other's throats so much or she and her brother are going at it. It has been SO quiet and wonderful.

 

Christine

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So are you gazing fondly over the schoolyard fence now and sort of hoping someone will say, Go on, put her in school! and give you good reasons to do so?

 

Or are you feeling that maybe there should be some changes in the way you handle homeschooling her, since you now have outside evidence that she is not behind and that she can be a cooperative, non-whiny learner?

 

:D

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So are you gazing fondly over the schoolyard fence now and sort of hoping someone will say, Go on, put her in school! and give you good reasons to do so?

 

Or are you feeling that maybe there should be some changes in the way you handle homeschooling her, since you now have outside evidence that she is not behind and that she can be a cooperative, non-whiny learner?

 

:D

 

Both. On one hand, I am incredibly releived that mil thinks she is doing so well. And to be honest, that is all I hear around here is how absolutely wonderful my daughter is from every single adult I meet. Her SS teacher ( and everyone before this) is just so impressed with her heart and how well she prays. She told me that she says the most beautiful prayers and almost makes her cry. Everyone else tells me how much they enjoy her. Then why can't I???

 

Part of it is she is just SO verbal. She learns by asking tons and tons of questions. To be honest, I just don't care. I just want to check the box and get it done. I've got to help older ones and get household stuff done as well. Plus, I don't really care that "Wow 102 Ms. Bonnie was alive during the Great Depression...then she wants to figure it out. " She cries if isn't 100 percent correct on writing or math. If I make any kind of correction it is taken as a personal insult.

 

I don't know. It must be me. Everyone else finds her charming. I find her irritating.

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Both. On one hand, I am incredibly releived that mil thinks she is doing so well. And to be honest, that is all I hear around here is how absolutely wonderful my daughter is from every single adult I meet. Her SS teacher ( and everyone before this) is just so impressed with her heart and how well she prays. She told me that she says the most beautiful prayers and almost makes her cry. Everyone else tells me how much they enjoy her. Then why can't I???

 

Part of it is she is just SO verbal. She learns by asking tons and tons of questions. To be honest, I just don't care. I just want to check the box and get it done. I've got to help older ones and get household stuff done as well. Plus, I don't really care that "Wow 102 Ms. Bonnie was alive during the Great Depression...then she wants to figure it out. " She cries if isn't 100 percent correct on writing or math. If I make any kind of correction it is taken as a personal insult.

 

I don't know. It must be me. Everyone else finds her charming. I find her irritating.

 

If she's asking tons of questions and commenting on schoolwork she sounds bright and interested. So where would that bright fire get squelched more -- school or home? I guess both places just want to check the box and "get it done," but, gee, I wish there was some option where someone could enjoy her learning process and style.

 

We usually get our schooling done in 3 hours or so -- does that leave enough time to get everything else done, or does it take longer because you have 3? Your daughter DOES sound like a jewel!

 

I can appreciate the irritation with "undone things" because I have a lot of them too, and sometimes I just want everyone to get out of the house so it isn't getting messier! But at other times I'll pause between "Explorers" and "Colonial Times" to do an unauthorized unit on Pirates because my 9-year-old REALLY wants to learn about them. So we do, but also in the context of history, not just the swashbuckling stuff.

 

Sometimes life is about appreciating what you have. Okay, that sounds banal, but if the rest of the world enjoys your daughter, you ought to have the same pleasure! I guess I don't have any solution but I wish you the best in working it out.

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Personally, I think it sounds like all good news.

 

Any reduction in numbers makes the days easier. And if the reduction in numbers happens to be with the one who is most different in personality from yourself, then the relief is even greater. That's totally natural.

 

I also have one whose personality is most different from mine, who I am most likely to lose patience with, who most often makes me question my ability to teach, parent, etc. But that's okay. It has helped to see her through other people's eyes every now and then and to appreciate her more.... and to realize that God has made her unique and special even though she is so different from me. (Yes, I think my ways are pretty great, don't I? LOL!)

 

Look for things you can appreciate about her. And look for anything you might have in common that you can share. And there's nothing wrong with telling her you'd like to have some quiet from time to time.

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If she's asking tons of questions and commenting on schoolwork she sounds bright and interested. So where would that bright fire get squelched more -- school or home? I guess both places just want to check the box and "get it done," but, gee, I wish there was some option where someone could enjoy her learning process and style.

 

 

Yes, I know. That is the other thing. I know I should care, but I don't. It just takes so much energy to chase rabbit trails. I'm in my mid forties and I just want to be done. The older ones are much more fun. I like trying to figure out Algebra II word problems or discussing Gatsby like we did yesterday. That is fun. Trying to find answers to endless questions like why the sky is blue ( actually we've already studied that..it wouldn't be that simple.) or all these questions that I've never even thought about or cared about. I have to say I don't know to 3/4 of her questions or I've never thought about it like that! I know that ps wouldn't do a better job. If she were my oldest or my only one, I'd throw myself in head first. I'm just old and don't care anymore.

 

Christine

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God/The Universe/whatever has sent you a gift, and you aren't appreciating it. From what you posted, this child is trying to complete YOU, and you won't have it.

 

I'm in my mid-40s with youngers and man it is a pain sometimes. But, I'm not going to sugar-coat it for you, like most of the others might. As my Dad would have said to me, "You need an attitude adjustment."

 

:grouphug:

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So how do I do that? You know it is funny, but I now identify with all of those characters in the books that I used to hate or not like: woman that runs the school in Little Princess, Mrs. Olsen from Little House... I REALLY feel like Anne Shirley's adoptive mom in Anne of Green Gables. My daughter is just like Anne...so talkative and I am just so old. At least I'm not taking care of my father anymore. That was just SO hard, but the other shoe is about to drop. They found a nodule in her breast ( Survived breast cancer twice) and she goes to have a test on Friday...wondering how that will add to the schedule. My mom is my rock... I'm two hours away unlinke in the same town with dad before he died.. I just hate being a sandwhich generation. It is hard taking care of your parents or grandparents ( been doing that, too) as well as raising your own kids. I guess we didn't think of that when we waited to have kids and enjoyed our 20's just being the two of us!

 

Christine

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Ah, now see, the details you are sharing are putting a different spin on your post. It sounds to me like you aren't just being ungrateful re your dd, to which I would say, suck it up (lol), you are saying you are under some mighty stressors--now I want to hug you more!

 

Well.

 

When I am stressed, I have far, far less ability to put energy to unpleasant things, and I have far more guilt about calling things unpleasant, too! I can sort of relate to your situation--not the same at all here, but stress with my middle son (addiction issues) has colored my relationship with my own dd. It makes everything harder, really. I seek out the things I enjoy to counter the stress, and sometimes that means the things she wants to do that I loathe, but could tolerate when not stressed, just don't get done, or they get done with some grumbling from me, which makes them less fun for her--then comes the guilt.

 

So, maybe use this time to take care of yourself, realize you are under a lot of stress and maybe even being triggered by your mom's illness to relive some of the grief of your dad's--more onion layers to peel in your grieving, maybe. See if you can acknowledge the depths of your pain re your parents, and get someone to validate that for you--talk to a dear friend, your spouse, God, a therapist, people here, whatever. Let it out.

And fake it til you make it with your dd--give her an hour of your undivided attention and let her ramble on--then take a little break to regroup, then go at it again. Try hard not to show your gritted teeth when you smile! lol

Set some appropriate boundaries, but do it as gently as you can--you don't want your irritation to show, because I know you want to affirm her, and accept her as she is, and give her the message that she is not a bother to you but a creative and wonderful gift.

 

Lots of hugs, Dear One. I wish I could help you in real life.

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Sounds like my 3rd son. My kids are younger (as am I - started early). But he is always talking. We went for a walk, my other 2 played, he chattered the whole time. They [generally] obey, he has to be watched like a hawk. They speak normally, he can sound whiny even when he doesn't mean too.

 

One thing that helps me is to step back, and watch him. He is so much better at expressing himself than the other two. He is so creative and sure of himself. And, if I direct him properly, he is a delight. (To be honest, he needs more direction and I get tired too, esp. since my eldest still needs everything read to him and the baby still has mommy-only times).

 

The other thing is that my mom wished I had one "10 times as bad" as me. I think that had to do with my stubbornness and picky eating, but it brings some humor to my day. Maybe you can take a guilt-free break and find some humor in the situation.

 

Can your older sons answer some of her questions? If MIL & SIL are out of town, can she email / chat with them sometimes? Can you turn her loose in a library to follow her rabbit trails? Then you could just teach the 3Rs for now.

 

One final question, is your daughter picking up on your attitude and thus being more difficult?

 

I've had to adjust my attitude as it looks like I need to take a full-time job for a few months (and possibly longer), and man, attitude-adjustments are tough as an adult!! So you have my sympathy. I don't want to come across as judging, and I think you should enjoy your break - guilt-free. Maybe a break is just what you needed.

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