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DS got into a fight right before we took him out of 6th grade. He has Tourette Syndrome and this one boy bullied him something firece. The fight that finally indicated enough was enough occurred during wrestling practice. The bully threw DS into a wall of lockers and was being about as mean as could be. DS finally had enough and fought back (yeah, DS!!). Well, DS was caught hitting the other kid and suspended for three days. Nothing happened to the bully. We had DS serve the suspension and when the three days were up we withdrew him from public school.

 

Fast forward to this past weekend - DS was working his Boy SCout Toopr's haunted house and this same bully (also a Boy Scout) was there with some boys from another Troop. This kid laid into DS like you wouldn't believe. Told him that everyone at the junior high hated him and he had better not be thinking about going to high school because he would regret it, etc...

 

DS worked his shift but came home physically ill. He has been looking forward to high school next year and we have been praying that everything would be different. He is so stressed out and sad over this that he is ticcing again (he hasn't ticced in months) and feels defeated.

 

Part of me wants to call up this boy's scout master and say WTH? Is this what you teach your scouts? What happened to every scout is a brother? What about the Oath and the Law?

 

And then I want to call this kid's parents and say WTH? Is this how you are raising your son? Glad to know compassion, acceptance and grace are at the top of the list.

 

This fight occurred more than two years ago when they were 10 or 11 and DS took the punishment. Nothing whatsoever happened to this kid so why in the world would he be harboring ill will toward my DS? This kid started the fight with his intolerance and hatred.

 

Thanks for reading. This has been bothering me since Sat. night and I am praying for clarity and guidance but my momma heart is in 'bear mode' and wants to ...well, do angry momma bear things.

Edited by The Dragon Academy
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I think we are given "mamma bear mode" for a reason. Like any other emotion, I don't see it as bad or good...it's there for a purpose. Wisdom is decideing what that purpose is.

 

You are a wonderful mom!!! and for what it's worth I think we deny "mamma bear" to often.

 

I'm so sorry you and your ds are going thru this :grouphug:!

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Zee has transient tic disorder. Not as severe as tourette's, but, well, I get your pain.

 

Zee's never been in public school, but I suspect that if he were, he'd be a good bully target, too. He's quirky, smart, and, well, he has tics. That's about enough to get picked on in public school, I would think. Most of his tics are facial, so if you spend enough time with him, you'll notice them eventually. I'm sure a bully in his class looking for a target would pick up on them rather quickly.

 

I don't have any advice. Just, well, just an 'I can imagine how you and your son feel'. And :grouphug:.

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I think we are given "mamma bear mode" for a reason. Like any other emotion, I don't see it as bad or good...it's there for a purpose. Wisdom is decideing what that purpose is.

 

You are a wonderful mom!!! and for what it's worth I think we deny "mamma bear" to often.

 

I'm so sorry you and your ds are going thru this :grouphug:!

 

 

:iagree: Listen to your instincts - that bully is wrong and you do not need to overlook his horrible behavior! :grouphug::grouphug:

 

J

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Bully Boy is mad because your son fought back. Bullies hate that. He's obviously still harboring a grudge. He didn't touch him, though, so he's being cautious. If your son ignores him, maybe he'll move on. If BB touches him again, though, call the police.

 

I'd definitely call the scout master and make him aware. The scouts have a code, and this kid is NOT in line with it.

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This happened at a Scout event; his Scoutmaster needs to be told. He may do absolutely nothing with the information, but you need to let him know.

 

:iagree: And then I would call the boy's mother, and let her know. I would also let them know, that if this boy ever laid a hand on my son again, I would be calling the police and pressing charges. Nothing was being done about the kid bullying my son (at scouts) until I made that comment. Haven't had a problem since.

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Part of me wants to call up this boy's scout master and say WTH? Is this what you teach your scouts? What happened to every scout is a brother? What about the Oath and the Law?

 

And then I want to call this kid's parents and say WTH? Is this how you are raising your son? Glad to know compassion, acceptance and grace are at the top of the list.

 

I think you should. At the very least call the scout master. They should know how well their scouts are spreading good will :glare:

 

:grouphug:

 

I'll pray along with you.

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we had a situation in our pack that wasn't as charged adn our scout master LAID into those boys.

 

That would be the first call I made. the second would be to the kid's parents--they could be completely oblivious and if they defend him, well you'll know where he gets it from. I would also tell them (after I talked to the scout master) that if their son threatened my son like that again, the police would be called.

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I hope I don't need to say it but . . . you know he doesn't speak for "everyone" and that that is a load of . . . you know what. If he's looking forward to hs, look forward to it. The bully is very often the one not liked and he certainly doesn't speak for anyone but himself.

 

I'd call everyone: scout master, school, police and I'd seriously consider getting a restraining order if you can get one against a kid.

 

Bullies should never, ever, ever, be tolerated. ever. they kill. I mean that. They kill. They kill the spirit and joy but they also sometimes kill the body by physical action or haunting until their victims harm themseves.

 

Never, ever, ever, let a bully be tolerated. ever!

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Frankly, I think going to the scout master or the parents isn't enough. I think the police need to be called in, if nothing more than to scare the carp out of the bully. That is just intolerable!

 

I'm sorry for your son and what he experienced. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:I would definately call the scout master and if it ever happens again, then I would call the police!! This is harrassment! Let your son know that this is just one boy who, I am willing to bet has got some issues in his own life!!!

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:iagree: And then I would call the boy's mother, and let her know. I would also let them know, that if this boy ever laid a hand on my son again, I would be calling the police and pressing charges. Nothing was being done about the kid bullying my son (at scouts) until I made that comment. Haven't had a problem since.

 

:iagree:I would let the scout leader know and then call mom and tell her the very next time your son is threatened or otherwise bullied by her son, the police will be brought in. Zero tolerance.

 

I'm very sorry for you and your son--I'm feeling all "mama bear" for him and I haven't even met him! :grouphug:

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I would without fail meet with the other boys parents (along with you husband) and have a candid discussion of the problem. I would go into that meeting giving the other parents the "benefit of the doubt" that they will act responsibly and not acting in a way that will needlessly will get their backs up. They might prove to be mortified than their child is being a bully. If not you can take a tougher line as the discussion progresses, making sure they know you will not tolerate the bullying of your son, and will call the police if it happens again.

 

I would also speak to the scout master (and calmly) find out what he knows about the situation. Inform him what has been happening, and make sure you and he are in agreement that he will do every thing he can to prevent such a situation from happening again.

 

Should things not go the way you hope, then I would call the police and hopefully they will shake the boy up.

 

Bullies are cowards. But when they get away with things like this they become emboldened. That should not happen. The bully will be done no favor if the moment (which is short) passes without there being repercussions.

 

Just don't go off half-cocked out of rage and make enemies out of people who may be of help and may be part of the solution.

 

But do act. If nothing else your child will see you and your husband are fully in his corner and will actively protect him even when doing so is "uncomfortable" for them them.

 

My 2 cents.

 

Bill

Edited by Spy Car
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I would without fail meet with the other boys parents (along with you husband) and have a candid discussion of the problem. I would go into that meeting giving the other parents the "benefit of the doubt" that they will act responsibly and not acting in a way that will needlessly will get their backs up. They might prove to be mortified than their child is being a bully. If not you can take a tougher line as the discussion progresses, making sure they know you will not tolerate the bullying of your son, and will call the police if it happens again.

 

I would also speak to the scout master (and calmly) find out what he knows about the situation. Inform him was has been happening, and make sure you and he are in agreement that he will do every thing he can to prevent such a situation from happening again.

 

Should things not go the way you hope, then I would call the police and hopefully they will shake the boy up.

 

Bullies are cowards. But when they get away with things like this they become emboldened. That should not happen. The bully will be done no favor is the moment (which is short) passes without their being repercussions.

 

Just don't go off half-cocked out of rage and make enemies out of people who maybe of help and maybe part of the solution.

 

But do act. If nothing else your child will see you and your husband are fully in his corner and will actively protect him even when doing so is "uncomfortable" for them them.

 

My 2 cents.

 

Bill

:iagree:

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:iagree: And then I would call the boy's mother, and let her know. I would also let them know, that if this boy ever laid a hand on my son again, I would be calling the police and pressing charges. Nothing was being done about the kid bullying my son (at scouts) until I made that comment. Haven't had a problem since.

 

:iagree: You absolutely should call both the Scout master and the child's parents.

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Haven't read the other replies, but discussed this with my son, who is SPL of his troop, and he thought the other boy acted in a totally unacceptable manner and should definitely be reported to his troop.

 

Unless the boy has a history of antagonistic behavior, he doesn't think he'll get kicked out, but he definitely should receive some sort of discipline.

Edited by Sophia
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Thank you for all of the replies and advice. It's comforting to know that my reaction is not out of tune with the situation.

 

This is the last weekend for the haunted house and both DH and I will be attending so we can monitor the situation. We are also going to find out which troop he is involved with so we can speak with the scoutmaster.

 

Quoting Spycar - "Just don't go off half-cocked out of rage and make enemies out of people who maybe of help and maybe part of the solution."

 

This is exactly what I am trying to prevent. Which is why we/I haven't done or said anything yet. I am not in full control of myself and my anger rises every time DS tics.

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Haven't read the other replies, but discussed this with my son, who is SPL of his troop, and he thought the other boy acted in a totally unacceptable manner and should definitely be reported to his troop.

 

Unless the boy has a history of antagonistic behavior, he doesn't think he'll get kicked out, but he definitely should receive some sort of discipline.

 

Thanks, Sophia.

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:iagree: And then I would call the boy's mother, and let her know. I would also let them know, that if this boy ever laid a hand on my son again, I would be calling the police and pressing charges. Nothing was being done about the kid bullying my son (at scouts) until I made that comment. Haven't had a problem since.

 

I think I would do this. I also think that I'd talk to my son first, but that I might speak to his guidance counselor or the Vice-Principal at the HS ahead of time and let them know that this boy seems to have a fixation with your son. That your son is pleased and excited to be at the high school, but that you do have specific concern's about the "pattern of fixation and violent behavior" that the other boy has displayed, and that you have already made it clear that any subsequent problems will result in charges being pressed. If your son does very well with his scout master, perhaps offer his number as a reference, of sorts. Make it very clear that your son would not interact with this boy of his own volition, and that the boy has a pattern, for no reason you can see, of seeking out your son and targeting him for violent treatment and verbal abuse.

 

When I brought it up to my son, I'd try to be pretty dispassionate and factual about it, and simply say, "Look, this young man clearly has some issues. They're not your issues. He has fixated on you for no good reason, and this pattern of behavior is something we need to make specific people aware of, because it's a big red flag. He needs an eye kept on him, because if he's doing this to you, he can and will do it to someone else, and that person may not be able to stand up to him like you have done. I know it has been stressful, but we're terribly proud of you for handling the situation with such maturity. Keep us informed, and as a family we will keep the authorities informed."

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Quoting Spycar - "Just don't go off half-cocked out of rage and make enemies out of people who maybe of help and maybe part of the solution."

 

This is exactly what I am trying to prevent. Which is why we/I haven't done or said anything yet. I am not in full control of myself and my anger rises every time DS tics.

 

I'm not one who relishes tough-love, but since you are a friend, you need to "man up" momma bear. If you wait to "calm down" naturally there is a good chance the moment will pass, and those other boys parents will not get a call. Everyday that passes will make it seem like less of an "issue" in their eyes, and the bully will feel he got away with it.

 

The time to act is NOW! If that means you have to channel the mama bear anger into a higher order of (calmer, but every bit as sure and determined) mother bear thought and action, then that is your duty at this moment.

 

Said with great affection,

 

Bill

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BTW, in our home the phone call would be made by *me* as the boy's father to the other father. Not every family dynamic or need is the same, but I see this kind of thing as "my job" while respecting there are some mothers who are more that up to the job of making that call.

 

Bill

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I'm not one who relishes tough-love, but since you are a friend, you need to "man up" momma bear. If you wait to "calm down" naturally there is a good chance the moment will pass, and those other boys parents will not get a call. Everyday that passes will make it seem like less of an "issue" in their eyes, and the bully will feel he got away with it.

 

The time to act is NOW! If that means you have to channel the mama bear anger into a higher order of (calmer, but every bit as sure and determined) mother bear thought and action, then that is your duty at this moment.

 

Said with great affection,

 

Bill

 

You put this better than I ever could. When we were dealing with a similar situation last year, I had to channel "mamma bear" into a detached "auto pilot" mode. I am so thankful I did not let to much time go by.

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BTW, in our home the phone call would be made by *me* as the boy's father to the other father. Not every family dynamic or need is the same, but I see this kind of thing as "my job" while respecting there are some mothers who are more that up to the job of making that call.

 

Bill

 

:iagree: My husband would talk to the scout master as well. They are supposed to be molding men after all.

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When this occurred, you didn't throw an absolute fit at the school? And tell the other boy's parents immediately? Because I'm not sure much can be done about all that now if this was 2 years ago. I would have gone berserk over such behavior.

 

I would absolutely call the Scout Master and tell him about the earlier incident and what has just recently occurred. I would absolutely call the boy's parents and tell them about the recent incident, bringing up the earlier incident if they were unaware of it (and they might have been because if nothing happened to him, the school may never have told them)....

 

ETA: You know, we were just talking about bullying the other day. I believe too many teachers in too many schools don't want to be bothered with socialization when it goes wrong and so encourage kids not to "tattle". This only allows bullies to flourish, knowing that nothing will ever happen to them so long as they don't do things in front of adults. This is simply WRONG. W-R-O-N-G.

 

Adults are meant to supervise children's activities for a reason. They are supposed to be mature and able to guide and direct children into right paths. If none of this is happening as children grow up, at some point in our society absolute anarchy (think Lord of the Flies) will reign supreme.

 

There is a reason that children take 25 years to grow up and that we have family situations, adult/child situations everywhere rather than children raising themselves. Adults are meant to lead. Children are meant to learn from that leadership.

 

I have found that every single time I've gone directly to a child and told them that I know what they've done, that it is wrong, and that I want them to tell their parents about it, they do. Then I talk to their parents, too. But I want them to learn that there are consequences for improper behavior and everyone has to own up to such behavior and make amends for it. It's not my job to issue punishment, just to make sure that adults who hopefully care about them know enough about a given situation to be able to issue it themselves if they so choose....

 

Right is right and wrong is wrong. I would have started singing my song the minute the school allowed such a behavior to occur and I'd still be singing it to anyone who would listen until the problem is corrected.... I care not a whit how inconvenient that might be for anyone. Right is right and wrong is wrong....

Edited by mcconnellboys
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Bullies should never, ever, ever, be tolerated. ever. they kill. I mean that. They kill. They kill the spirit and joy but they also sometimes kill the body by physical action or haunting until their victims harm themseves.

 

Never, ever, ever, let a bully be tolerated. ever!

 

Yes, this!!

 

I'm so sorry--- for both of you! :grouphug:

 

astrid

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Spycar and Mejane -

 

You have touched upon one of the reasons I have not said anything yet. I don't want it to appear as if DS is being babied by his mom and give boys further ammo for bullying. This age (12-14) is so important in the develoment of a young man and I do not want to be the cause of further pain.

 

DH, unfortunately, is more of a pacifist than I am when it comes to situations such as these. He would rather let them pass than confront anyone. His philosophy is 'don't go looking for trouble'. It's very frustrating to me and my deal-with-it-now-deal-with-it-hard personality.

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Bullies should never, ever, ever, be tolerated. ever. they kill. I mean that. They kill. They kill the spirit and joy but they also sometimes kill the body by physical action or haunting until their victims harm themseves.

 

Never, ever, ever, let a bully be tolerated. ever!

 

This is what has me so heartbroken. In my experience this is what goes unacknowledged by teachers, leaders, etc. If one more person says "it's not that bad" or "think of what else he could have done" I think I will scream.

 

The other half of that sentence... :crying:

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Spycar and Mejane -

 

You have touched upon one of the reasons I have not said anything yet. I don't want it to appear as if DS is being babied by his mom and give boys further ammo for bullying. This age (12-14) is so important in the develoment of a young man and I do not want to be the cause of further pain.

 

Forget that. He will benefit for the example of you sticking up for him. Boxing lessons or (better yet) Krav Maga instruction might not be a bad idea, but don't let him think being walked on (including you modeling that for him) is acceptable. Be fierce, just calmly fierce.

 

DH, unfortunately, is more of a pacifist than I am when it comes to situations such as these. He would rather let them pass than confront anyone. His philosophy is 'don't go looking for trouble'. It's very frustrating to me and my deal-with-it-now-deal-with-it-hard personality.

 

I would have a candid discussion with my spouse, and let him (of course in my case it is a "her" :D) know that trouble has already found you. and that is our job to do something about it. And act alone if that's what it takes. But Daddy Bear ought to have a good idea about when to listen to an agitated Mama Bear, and if he doesn't this might be a fine moment to work off some of your rage in a constructive fashion ;)

 

Bill

Edited by Spy Car
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I would have a candid discussion with my spouse, and let him (of course in my case it is a "her" :D) know that trouble has already found you. and that is our job to do something about it. And act alone if that's what it takes. But Daddy Bear ought to have a good idea about when to listen to an agitated Mama Bear, and if he doesn't this might be a fine moment to work off some of your rage in a constructive fashion ;)

 

Bill

:D

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My non-PC piece of advice would be for your son to inform said bully that he will not be taking any nonsense from him and that should need be he will defend himself just as he did in the past. Only, I wouldn't word it quite so politely.

 

This is what DS has mentioned but he is afraid of what will happen with Scouts. The BSA Law and Oath mean something to him.

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Spycar and Mejane -

 

You have touched upon one of the reasons I have not said anything yet. I don't want it to appear as if DS is being babied by his mom and give boys further ammo for bullying. This age (12-14) is so important in the develoment of a young man and I do not want to be the cause of further pain.

 

DH, unfortunately, is more of a pacifist than I am when it comes to situations such as these. He would rather let them pass than confront anyone. His philosophy is 'don't go looking for trouble'. It's very frustrating to me and my deal-with-it-now-deal-with-it-hard personality.

 

I'm going to pm you

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This is what DS has mentioned but he is afraid of what will happen with Scouts. The BSA Law and Oath mean something to him.

And that, imho, is a good thing. As much as I would like to say, "Tell him to knock the bully's block off!" I can't, because that's not how (I think) those situations should be dealt with. As an adult, he will need to know how to find and go through the chain of command and the 'right' responses to this sort of behavior.

 

This reminds me of the tacky shirt thread. People are scared to confront (and hey, that can be VERY dangerous), but thank heavens we have people whose job it is to do the confronting (like management, or in your case, the leaders/parents). Rather than running the risk of losing teeth and getting a rap sheet, going through the right channels and reporting things as they're supposed to be reported can eventually get the right results without any worries about law suits.

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don't over think it.

 

something bad happened.

something needs to be done about it.

 

you can, if you choose, give your husband a choice: you do it or i do it. tonight. your call.

 

if its you, i'd call the scoutmaster and lay it out.

this is what happened.

this is how i feel about it.

this is why i think it happened.

this is what i need.

this is what i'm going to do next.

 

using the structure will help you keep from being over the top.

 

under what i need, indicate to the scout master that you expect him to deal with the boy. i'd also ask his advice in dealing with the parents.

 

then i'd tell him i would wait until tomorrow night to contact the boys parents to give him a chance to deal with it first if he chooses. if not, his call.

 

either way, i'd call the boys parents tomorrow night. it is easier to do it face to face in a meeting, maybe with the scout master present.

 

you need to be clear that your son deserves an apology from the boy, with at least one of his parents present.

 

and then monitoring.

 

and you all need to be clear what happens if there is a repeat.

 

the weekend is coming, and it needs to be a done deal before they are together again at the haunted house.

 

good luck!

ann

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As I was reading this, my mama bear instinct came out!! Think Rebecca De Morney (sp?) in The Hand that Rocked The Cradle.

 

Bullies need to be stopped. I agree with others that you should go talk to the Scout Master. Since your son is older, maybe encourage him to talk to him and explain the situation. *If* the scoutmaster does nothing, then I would get involved. I think 12 or 14 is too young to just work it out. It sounds like your son has been putting up with this garbage for too long. It's not fair to any of you! I would also agree that if the scoutmaster does nothing, and the bully's parents do nothing, then next step is a call to the police.

 

Good luck! :grouphug::grouphug:

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Thank you, thank you all for the advice.

 

I should clarify this scout is not in our troop. I have no idea which troop he is in. Boys from 5 or 6 other troops also work at the haunted house. We have never seen this boy at other district scouting events so we are thinking he is a new scout or not a very active one. I need the cooperation of our Scoutmaster in locating this info. which means a trip to the haunted house to look at last weekend's duty roster.

 

DH (if he is home) and I will be going to work the HH this weekend so if anything else happens we/I will be there to deal with it immediately.

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DS got into a fight right before we took him out of 6th grade. He has Tourette Syndrome and this one boy bullied him something firece. The fight that finally indicated enough was enough occurred during wrestling practice. The bully threw DS into a wall of lockers and was being about as mean as could be. DS finally had enough and fought back (yeah, DS!!). Well, DS was caught hitting the other kid and suspended for three days. Nothing happened to the bully. We had DS serve the suspension and when the three days were up we withdrew him from public school.

 

This is what infuriates me about bullying -- the perpetrator not getting punished. Ugh.

 

Fast forward to this past weekend - DS was working his Boy SCout Toopr's haunted house and this same bully (also a Boy Scout) was there with some boys from another Troop. This kid laid into DS like you wouldn't believe. Told him that everyone at the junior high hated him and he had better not be thinking about going to high school because he would regret it, etc...

 

Your son needs to understand that what this bully said is not true. Don't let him internalize it.

 

DS worked his shift but came home physically ill. He has been looking forward to high school next year and we have been praying that everything would be different. He is so stressed out and sad over this that he is ticcing again (he hasn't ticced in months) and feels defeated.

 

Part of me wants to call up this boy's scout master and say WTH? Is this what you teach your scouts? What happened to every scout is a brother? What about the Oath and the Law?

 

You should. That kid needs to be called to the carpet. Don't allow him to get away with that sort of behavior.

 

And then I want to call this kid's parents and say WTH? Is this how you are raising your son? Glad to know compassion, acceptance and grace are at the top of the list.

 

Definitely talk to the parents. Tell them what happened and how it affected your son and how it is affecting your son now. If they have a problem with it, I'd let them know that this time you're not going to tolerate any of it. This time, you'll call police and a lawyer.

 

This fight occurred more than two years ago when they were 10 or 11 and DS took the punishment. Nothing whatsoever happened to this kid so why in the world would he be harboring ill will toward my DS? This kid started the fight with his intolerance and hatred.

 

Thanks for reading. This has been bothering me since Sat. night and I am praying for clarity and guidance but my momma heart is in 'bear mode' and wants to ...well, do angry momma bear things.

 

When your son sees you sticking up for him, that will help him stick up for himself. Good luck.

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Good luck this weekend, and if all else fails, you and your son should figure out which bike is this kid's. Let the air out of his tires.

 

Hey, what's the big deal? It's just a Mischief Night prank.... ;)

 

Wear black. Just sayin'....

 

LOL! :D

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