StaceyinLA Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 And at what ages do you consider the gaps the biggest issue? Obviously, with the issues going on with my middle dd right now, dating is probably the least of her concerns. However, one of the issues we have had recently is that she likes a guy who is 4+ years older. She is about to be 17 and likes someone who just turned 21. I believe he likes her as well. Other issues aside, would you consider this age gap okay for things like him coming over and watching movies, etc? I know that girls mature much faster than boys and 16 year old boys can be very immature. I have a friend whose 19yodd is dating a 29yo. Of course, they met at a Baptist retreat center where they both volunteered and you'd never know he was 29 just looking at him, but he is. They have a great relationship and will probably marry pretty soon but I know there are folks who would probably have NEVER allowed this relationship to happen. This, in fact, is a very conservative friend! WWYD?? Quote
Janna Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 I think it completely depends on the maturity of the people. I have always been mature for my age. I didn't get wrapped up in partying or drugs, smoking, drinking at all when I was in High school and college (the short time I was there). I was (still am) extremely conservative. I was confident, had convictions and knew what I wanted. At age 19 I was living on my own in Chicago (not where I grew up nor where I had any family). I had a full-time job as a store manager for a retail clothing store. It was there I met my dh. As I said, I was 19 (a month shy of being 20). He was...31 (days shy of being 32). It took a small amount of convincing my parents, but in all honesty, it didn't take too much. They knew me, they knew I wasn't someone to do this on the fly. Dh was extremely respectful and honoring to my parents. We have been married for 12 years in September. We are 12 years apart in age. My parents adore my dh and we have a great marriage. I can't imagine my life without him. However, as I said, personality and maturity plays a massive role in this and I would definitely be cautious. Quote
Joanne Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 Obviously, with the issues going on with my middle dd right now, dating is probably the least of her concerns. However, one of the issues we have had recently is that she likes a guy who is 4+ years older. She is about to be 17 and likes someone who just turned 21. I believe he likes her as well. Other issues aside, would you consider this age gap okay for things like him coming over and watching movies, etc? I know that girls mature much faster than boys and 16 year old boys can be very immature. Just as a frame of reference, I am NOT a conservative as compared to many on this board. But I find that age gap - at those ages - too much. The difference in life stage between nearly 17 and 21 is too great. I'd be concerned about some of the factors influencing her attraction. And his. There is an automatic power differential involved and certainly season of life focus issues. Quote
Plucky Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 Knowing absolutely nothing about the two people, I'd probably recommend waiting until she was 18. But I don't have kids that old yet. The 19 & 29 year old scenario does make me nervous only because I wonder what a 29 year old man sees in a 19 year old, but maybe she's incredibly mature beyond her years. I'm interested in reading what others think and have experienced. Quote
Barb_ Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 Just as a frame of reference, I am NOT a conservative as compared to many on this board. But I find that age gap - at those ages - too much. The difference in life stage between nearly 17 and 21 is too great. I'd be concerned about some of the factors influencing her attraction. And his. There is an automatic power differential involved and certainly season of life focus issues. Hmmm, 13 and 17, yes. But 4 years apart at 17? I disagree. My daughter 'hangs out' with a guy who is 21...not romantically as far as I know...but have a hard time remembering they aren't the same age. She just turned 18 and he's been 21 for a while and they just seem to be at the same place, developmentally. There could be season of life and power differential issues involved, but I would say it's far from automatic. At 17, she's almost a legal adult. Unless you (the OP) have strong objections for reasons you may not be sharing (which doesn't seem the case), I would err on the side of cautious openness. JMO. Barb Quote
Pamela H in Texas Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 Well, I think a lot depends. An adult offspring of mine is able to make her own decisions. I won't interfere other than to uphold the rules in our household. If she wishes to go against our (very conservative) morals, she'll need to be on her own. When I was 18, I lived on my own. I *dated* a 17yo, then 32yo, then settled with hubby who was 25. We have 6.5 years of an age difference and it rarely makes any difference other than when we talk about movies, he was 15 and I was 8 when it came out. BTW, I hope my daughter waits to date. I'd prefer her be over 20 for sure. My son is planning on 21, but he's 13 and might change his mind. I'd rather he be a little older too :) But I don't plan on managing my adult children's lives. I think a lot depends on what "dating" IS also. I would guess our model is closer to a courtship model. Quote
CactusPair Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 Well, I am not comfortable with that age difference, mostly because I dated older guys when I was that age and they were a lot different than the ones I went to school with, if you know what I mean. A lot different. Sitting on the couch watching movies with the fam. is much better than actual dating, but I still wouldn't like it or allow it bec. I feel so uncomfortable about the current age gap. When my dd turned 18 and graduated from hs, I'd allow said older guy to come over to visit and eventually date if dd wanted. She'd be an officially grown woman and the relationship would be more appropriate then imo. I'm as liberal as they come on this board, but bec. of my own experiences I am hoping to guide my dc to make different choices in the adolescent dating dept. Quote
frogpond1 Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 made a promise to himself that he wouldn't date a teen-ager when he was in college. I was 20 when we began dating and he was 25. At those ages it worked great because he was older and had a good head on his shoulders and I wasn't a teenager and mature enough for a relationship that would lead to marriage. I think that when the teens are over it works, but before then I'd be quite careful. Quote
Peek a Boo Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 I think it completely depends on the maturity of the people. I have always been mature for my age. I didn't get wrapped up in partying or drugs, smoking, drinking at all when I was in High school and college (the short time I was there). I was (still am) extremely conservative. I was confident, had convictions and knew what I wanted. At age 19 I was living on my own in Chicago (not where I grew up nor where I had any family). I had a full-time job as a store manager for a retail clothing store. It was there I met my dh. As I said, I was 19 (a month shy of being 20). He was...31 (days shy of being 32). It took a small amount of convincing my parents, but in all honesty, it didn't take too much. They knew me, they knew I wasn't someone to do this on the fly. Dh was extremely respectful and honoring to my parents. We have been married for 12 years in September. We are 12 years apart in age. My parents adore my dh and we have a great marriage. I can't imagine my life without him. However, as I said, personality and maturity plays a massive role in this and I would definitely be cautious. This is me and dh, almost to a T, lol. he was my little bro's Assistant Scoutmaster [he was single, no kids: a friend dragged him into helping]. i met him when I was 14. Didn't have a CLUE that he would even be interested until I hit 18 and we started dating. I was 19 and he was 31 when we married. Just counted 14 years this last January :) For OP, i would cease "dates" w/ guys over 18 until dd hit 18. Right now it opens the door to a LOT of things that could be legal problems [are you Right There during movies?]. i do know that for men especially, they put their reputations and character on the line when they start hanging out w/ girls under 18. If this is a man that will possibly be involved on a long-term basis w/ your dd, I would do what I could to help prevent any character defamations. I would encourage friendship, communication, and decisions on each one's personal futures and keep most interactions to within a group. i liked some of the ideas in "I Kissed dating Goodbye." and if this is one of those relationships "meant to be" that both parties are willing to work for, it'll still be there in a year ;) Quote
Melissa in Australia Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 I met my Husband when I was 17, he was 32. We met at church. HE courted me with strict chaperoning. all dates were accompanied with my whole family. I have 7 younger siblings:001_huh:. we got married when I was just 18. my mother didn't believe in long engagements. ( I secretly think she was getting sick of the chaperoning) :tongue_smilie: so we got married 2 months after our engagement. we have been happily married for 15 years .:001_smile: my mother and father has an age gap of 14 years . when my husband and I met, it was clearly understood by both of us that we were looking for a partner for life, and not just some casual romance. MelissaL Quote
Plaid Dad Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 I agree this it depends a great deal on the individuals. The only place I can see a difficulty is in relative life experience. A 17yo is usually still in high school; a 21yo might have graduated from college or have been working for several years. But without knowing the individuals in question, I would not consider the gap too large. My questions about a potential suitor would not be substantially different even if the age gap were less. What is the young man's character? Is he serious about marriage at this time? Does he have the necessary maturity and "prospects" (spiritual, emotional, intellectual, financial) to lead a family? Does he treat dd with respect and kindness? Quote
Laura R (FL) Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 You know, sometimes people are just attracted to each other and it's hard to say why. My husband and I are 17 years apart. He looks and acts A LOT younger than he is, and I was always very mature. Plus, when you meet, you don't exactly say, "Hi, I'm Laura and I'm 22." :) We married a year later at 23 and 39 (before his birthday). I was immediately attracted to him, shortly after I knew he was the "one", and we have a wonderful marriage. Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with 21 and 17. I'd be more concerned with the values of both young people, and the appropriateness of the match than the age. Quote
TXMomof4 Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 I think it depends on the people involved, BUT I met my dh during a rebellious stage. I was 17, he was 21. Now we've been married for 13 years and have 4 children. I think he was exactly the right person at exactly the right time. He says I saved him from a crazy life, but the reverse is completely true also. So, it may not be the worst thing ever, assuming you have met and approved of the young man. Quote
Lady Katherine Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 I think it varies from individual to individual. I know several couples near the same age who are a divorce waiting to happen, and several who are very happy with a 20+ age gap. As for my own dd, while she is a teen and young adult, I would be wary of much older men. But as she becomes an adult, I would be more concerned with the man's character than with his age. Quote
snickelfritz Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 when I was 18 and he was 22. He had attended college part time for several years, so , by hours, he was a sophomore and I was a freshman. We married at 19 and 23, finished college, started having kids after 7 (or 8?? I'd have to count) years of marriage, and celebrated 12 years in December. You know your dd and the young man, but I don't think age should be the main factor. More, maturity level and character. Quote
Only me Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 When I was 17 I dated a 21 year old. At first I was flattered that an older guy was interested in me but it soon became apparent that the age difference was just too much at that age. Of course it depends on the people involved. This guy ended up being a jerk (which of course doesn't depend on age) but he tried to convince me to do things that I wasn't ready for and when I wouldn't he acted like I was a baby (drinking, s-x, etc.) It was also difficult because our interests were so different at the time. He talked about college and I barely had my license yet. His friends were all older so when we went out they made me feel like the baby. Quite honestly I wish my parents had put more restrictions on dating because this happened about 3 times when I was 17. All 3 times I was put into very uncomfortable situatiions that I just wasn't ready for at 17. I think it is a great idea though to supervise the "date". If they want to spend time with each other I would make it under your terms. Quote
mommaduck Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 I have to say that ANY courtship (regardless of age or season of life) depends on the two noted, their views of courtship and marriage, and possibly even the families to a certain extent. I met my husband when I was 15 (he's 2.5yrs older) and we were married at 19/21. We happened at the right time and right place for me in my life. We also had alot of oversight. I've known many couples that had even a 10-15yr age difference and work. In fact, I believe sometimes, that the age difference is part of WHY it worked. Quote
Leta Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 I am noticing an interesting pattern on this thread. I am quite the libertine, not conservative at all on most subjects, and this age gap would make me uncomfortable. I wouldn't forbid the relationship or anything, at least not until you've met the guy, because I do think that it depends on the people involved. But ITA with the previous poster who said that if they value the relationship, they will wait a year. Also, in a year's time, the age gap becomes a little more conceivable- they could have met at college at that point. Quote
elegantlion Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 I don't find the age difference too much. My concern would be the activities they do. I dated older men, my dh is almost 7 years older than me. We've been married for over 15 years. I would expect this boy to be very respectful of your rules for your dd. I would also expect that he be willing to do things with your family, not just wisk her off on a date, KWIM. At that age he should have a higher level of accountability to you and your dh as well. Quote
WTMindy Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 It totally depends on the people. My brother is 7 years older than my sil and they started dating when she was 16 (he was 23)! We all thought he was crazy, but they are happily married now. I don't think you can make any blanket statements, however, I would still encourage my dd to wait before getting serious. Quote
Tracey in TX Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 I would not allow my 17y/o to pursue a relationship with someone 4 years older. That's too large a difference in life experiences, IMO. I would also discourage a 19y/o from dating a 29y/o. It's really two people in different stages of life. Quote
cin Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 It wouldn't bother me IF the young man was respectful of the rules and values of your family. I would want to get to know him, really, and I would invite him to some family activities. Get to know him and his character. If he is a nice guy, then let them date. I dated several older men when I was in college; 5-8 yrs, I think. None of them corrupted me. We had some great times. They were mroe on my wavelength, quite honestly, not into binge drinking & s&x. We went out to dinner, had great conversations, worshipped together, they were good relationships. Alas, I ended up marrying a guy 2 yrs younger than me, but he was an only child, and very mature. Quote
Jann in TX Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 Most of the time he came over my house for movies--or to watch football with my dad (huge 'brownie points'). Our other dates were group dates--mainly playing cards (Spades) at the student union and standing in long lines for summer movies with friends... He was VERY respectful of me--and my parents. While I thougth he had my heart--he moved away after he graduated from college (and I graduated from highschool) and I was engaged to my now DH 2 weeks later--he is only 1 year older than me (we were good friends in highschool even though I had this 'older' boyfriend!). At this age it really depends on your dd's maturity and this boy's maturity. I rather have my dd (17) date a 21 yo who was respectful to her and our family over an immature 18 yo who is just in it for a good time. Quote
DB in NJ Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 Funny you should ask... Our dd is 13. My dearest friend's son is 17, almost 18 (and he's best friends with my oldest ds, 17). Just to make it more fun, the friend's son's younger sister is my dd's best friend. (sounds like a soap opera, huh?). Our families have known each other for 10 years. dd was 3 when she met this young man (7 at the time). He has gone on vacations with us, spent many nights -- weeks -- at our home. Their family moved to Kentucky 3 years ago. They have just recently begun seeing each other in a different way. She's no longer his best friend's little sister; he's no longer her best friend's big brother. They talk all the time on IM (with me over her shoulder half the time -- much to her dismay). He has admitted to liking her. His parents, me, and dh would be thrilled to know that the people we've been praying for all these years were each other! LOL However....she's only 13 years old! He'll be 18 in May. YIKES! So for now, we're glad they live so far away; we continue to monitor their conversation closely, and we continue to pray for the future, whatever may come. We'd be really, REALLY happy if they were both 4 years older right now. If my dd were 17 and Sam were 21, it would be perfect. But they are entirely, completely compatible in every way, even at this young age. We could definitely see them ending up together, and if they were 17 and 21, we would allow that avenue to be pursued. Not now though, obviously. As has been said already, it really depends on the people involved. Quote
LadyAberlin Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 There were 3 yrs difference between my first bf and me and it wasn't a big deal. Now my dh is 18.5 yrs older than me. So 3 or 4 yrs is no big deal to me LOL. With my dh I was in shock to find out how much older he was. He was a marathon runner and looked really young. He had never been married. Most of my friends married guys that were about 3-4 yrs older than them. Quote
OnTheBrink Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 I agree this it depends a great deal on the individuals. The only place I can see a difficulty is in relative life experience. A 17yo is usually still in high school; a 21yo might have graduated from college or have been working for several years. But without knowing the individuals in question, I would not consider the gap too large. My questions about a potential suitor would not be substantially different even if the age gap were less. What is the young man's character? Is he serious about marriage at this time? Does he have the necessary maturity and "prospects" (spiritual, emotional, intellectual, financial) to lead a family? Does he treat dd with respect and kindness? :iagree: To me, the bigger issue is the character of both parties. I've known some very mature 17 year olds and some pretty immature 21 year olds. I wouldn't categorically say 4 years is too large a gap; it just depends on who they are and are both of them headed in the same life direction. Quote
Philothea Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 I certainly see no problem with the age difference. As long as your dd and this young man are following whatever guidelines you set up for them I know of one family with 9 children, the oldest married a man more than 20 years older and since space was tight, he slept in the yard in a tent when he came from out of state to visit. They had a clean and respectful courtship and now are happily married with a 3rd baby on the way. I went to school with a girl who liked a man more than 6 years older and he was so nice. The kind of guy youwant your daughter to marry. Anyways, she married him 2 months after graduating and they are very happy. I met my dh at 18 and we are 10 years apart. We're very happy and the age issue never comes up. I don't think the age gap is the problem. The issue would be whether what the man's views on dating and marriage are. Personally, I would be thrilled if a nice young man wanted to court my 17 year old daughter and I would be perfectly content if they were married at what some would consider a young age. Quote
DB in NJ Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 At this age it really depends on your dd's maturity and this boy's maturity. I'd rather have my dd (17) date a 21 yo who was respectful to her and our family over an immature 18 yo who is just in it for a good time. YES!!! Esp. the part in bold. My sentiments exactly!! My parents were 4 years apart; my in-laws were 17 years apart. My parents divorced after 19 years; my in-laws' relationship was wonderful (he passed away when dh was 10 years old). The # of years between two people isn't what's important; if two people are meant to be together, then they're meant to be together. At the ages stated by the OP, I agree that parental oversight is required, and that "dates" in the traditional sense of the word might have to wait until the families have gotten to know one another better. But the 4 years in and of itself wouldn't make me put a stop to the pursuit of a relationship. The real determining factors would be those listed by Plaid Dad in his post. Quote
DB in NJ Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 I don't think the age gap is the problem. The issue would be whether what the man's views on dating and marriage are. Personally, I would be thrilled if a nice young man wanted to court my 17 year old daughter and I would be perfectly content if they were married at what some would consider a young age. Same here. The older boy (Sam) who is interested in my daughter is moving back to Jersey next year to go to school. He said that he is not going to date anyone when he moves here because the one he's interested in dating will only be 14/15 years old, not old enough to date. He also said that the age difference is "awkward now, but won't be in a few years." He's willing to wait. Quote
Allearia Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 I was 19 when I met my now-dh who is 12 years older (he was 31). We have been together almost 15 years and married almost 10. my parents were 20 years apart and were married 25+ years until my father's death. This was obviously over 30 years ago and they did start dating before my mother was 18 (married when she was still 17), probably today that would be thought of as a terrible thing but it obviously lasted. I guess my feeling is that age does not make that much of a difference, as long as the two parties are over 18. And a 17 year old is pretty close, hopefully they are supervised if they are in your home. Quote
StaceyinLA Posted April 21, 2008 Author Posted April 21, 2008 I have talked with the young man a couple of times. He has called me since some of this stuff has come up with dd. He has encouraged her to stay home where she belongs, and has really been comfortable with talking to me and letting me know what's up. This isn't a perfect kid by any stretch. He has been in some trouble with the law in the past for drugs, though he is now out of college, working and doing well (and NOT doing any drugs). He was in our home school group so we know him from there as well. He seems fairly responsible at this point, and like he is over the hump with his issues. Of course, we will have to take these things VERY slowly right now because of everything that has happened, but he does seem to be considerate of dd's rules at this point. Quote
SheilaZ Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 It depends on the maturity of the girl and the age she is. When I was 16...dating a 20 year old would have been too much for my parents. I don't think they would have changed much in a year, especially with the guy being legal drinking age. However, I was 23 when I met the man that I ended up marrying. He had just turned 30. We still giggle about the fact that we have diplomas dated the same date. He graduated high school the same day I "graduated" from elementary school. (Well, I giggle about it. He doens't like to think about it.:D) I think that as you get older, it is more "permissable" to have a larger age gap between spouses. My own parents are 6 years apart. DH's parents were also 7 years apart. So neither side thought much about Dh and I getting together. Quote
Jill- OK Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 Now, I am married to an older man, let me say that right off the bat. But when it comes to comfort with my daughters and their dating, I think I have a little bit of a different perspective; if they aren't mature enough to be thinking about what kind of person they believe would be right to settle down with, I don't think they should be 'dating' at all. (I'm talking about exclusive, one-on-one situations, not group get togethers or outings, or even 'liking' someone more than you like other opposite sex friends). To me, 'dating' is preparation for marriage, and you should only date suitable people, regardless of their age. In other words, I wouldn't be comfortable with my 18yo dating another 18yo man (or even a 17yo) just because he was young. In some instances, being young/immature can be a serious problem, and more cause for concern than being older! (I went out with two 19yos--I think they were 19-- before meeting my then-32yo husband to be; had I been my mother, I would have breathed a huge sigh of relief that my daughter had found a *man* that was serious about pursuing a serious relationship, rather than a boy that was, well, concerned about what boys are usually concerned about!) A boy the same age can be a bad influence (especially if his hormones are doing more controlling than his head is), and a more mature man can be, as well. (Not to mention that if you're not careful, May/December things can have a potentially bad future dynamic). But either one could also be great. My two cents is just that dating isn't something to be taken lightly, and age isn't always necessarily an indicator of success or potential to be taken advantage of. (Of course, I'd not encourage anyone over 18 to engage in an intimate dating relationship with someone younger than that, just for the legal trouble that could arise. It can wait until after 18, if one is older, IMO.) Quote
ConnieB Posted April 21, 2008 Posted April 21, 2008 Keep in mind that legally, the young man can be in SERIOUS trouble should things "heat up" between them. Even if the daughter consents, and even if you consent. Now, obviously that means that they'd have to get "caught" but having had a friend who at age 20 dated a girl of 17, with mom and dad's consent and full knowledge that the relationship had gotten intimate......and after a nasty breakup the girl was the one that turned him in for "statutory rape". It ruined his life because he made the mistake of admitting it rather than getting a lawyer to try to protect himself....but he truly thought since it was consenual and her parents would back him up (which they did) that he did nothing wrong except chose to leave her to go to another state for a great job opportunity and she flipped her lid in jealousy. He didn't get any jail time, but he does have a criminal record now......and not only did that change his life goals, but to be honest, it changed him. He was once carefree and happy go lucky and now he's very cynical and distrusting of most people. It takes a LOT to keep his trust and friendship. So...if I were the young man's friend, I'd tell him to stay away. If it's true feelings than they can wait a few months until she turns 18 (check your state laws to be sure, I think some southern states may have an older age before she can legally consent to intimacy still?). Now...if she were 18 and he were 22 or even older....I'd say so long as she was mature enough to handle HIS maturity, then she's fine. I've always dated older men......well, that is except my husband. He's the only man I dated that was younger than I am....and we've been together "since way back when"....so never say never. LOL Oh, and I'm sorry but I don't frequent these boards often enough to know your daughter's other situation, so take my answer with that frame please. Quote
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