How would you respond to this criticism of hs?

[creekmom]

Why is it that family members tend to be less supportive of our decisions than our friends? I have yet to hear a friend criticize my decision to hs, but my sister is full of criticism. The other day she made this comment to me, "I don't see how you can hs 4 children effectively. One of them is bound to be neglected. - You just don't have the time to educate them all well!"

 

I'm working on my tendency to avoid conflict, so I'm going to talk to her about how discouraging her comments are to me. How would you respond?

[Old Dominion Heather]

I wouldn't respond with any sort of confirmation that she might be correct. I'd probably respond sarcastically.

 

"Thanks so much for your vote of confidence! Yeah, I can't imagine how I haven't managed to lose one at the grocery store!"

 

Then IF she took it further, I would just tell her that you appreciate her concern, but you have it under control.

Edited October 25, 2010 by Old Dominion Heather

[TXMomof4]

I have better odds with 4 than the teacher does with 30, right?

 

I've had the same sort of comment from a friend who couldn't imagine that I'd have enough attention *at all* for four. She stopped with two and was so overwhelmed that she couldn't see it would be possible to love and care for 4 children. Seriously.

[fhjmom]

That is one comment about HS that makes me go :confused: - you don't have time to teach four children??? How does she think teachers who have classes of 30+ do it, and although they may be covering the same material, I can guarantee you they are not all on the same level and they don't all have the same learning styles. Not that I would respond to her argument point by point since it sounds like she will just come up with something else. I like the "thanks for you concern, we are the parents, we get to make he decision, pass the bean dip" type approach covered here so often. Other than that :grouphug:.

 

Muttering under breath "don't have time for four children...:lol::lol::lol:" from a former PS teacher who routinely had 35 students in one class.

[Chris in VA]

I wouldn't do this, but I'd be tempted to say something like,

"Hmm, classroom of 25 versus classroom of 4..."

 

or

 

sweetly,

"If I were you I'd worry less about my kids and more about your own."

[abbeyej]

I wouldn't respond with any sort of conformation that she might be correct. I'd probably respond sarcastically.

 

"Thanks so much for your vote of confidence! Yeah, I can't imagine how I haven't managed to lose one at the grocery store!" ...

 

I was thinking more along the lines of, "Oh, yeah, that third one? What's-his-name? I almost never do any work with him. I figure three out of four is pretty good anyway." ;)

 

...

 

But more seriously, I would keep my comments to her very brief and to the point. Do your best to leave emotions out of it. "We've made the decision to home school for many carefully considered reasons. If you would like to know more, I'm happy to chat with you, but I'd prefer you keep your snarky and negative comments to yourself."

[NanceXToo]

"I don't see how you can hs 4 children effectively. One of them is bound to be neglected. - You just don't have the time to educate them all well!"

 

"Thank God I'm not a public school teacher trying to teach 30 children effectively! You should write a letter to the school district letting them know that you feel strongly that teachers should not have more than 3 kids per class! And then be grateful that your nieces and nephews will have a teacher who is only one child over the limit instead of 27 kids over!"

Edited October 25, 2010 by NanceXToo

[Haiku]

One of them is bound to be neglected.

 

"Luckily, the one I neglect is a genius, so he/she's doing ok anyway. :D "

 

Tara

[creekmom]

I love the comments you guys suggested, and if I could go back in time, I'd say them!! Her critical remarks have been going on for years now, and I've just "swept them under the rug" bc I hate conflict. I realize now that my avoidance of conflict is hurting our relationship - not helping it.

 

Last year, when she saw my daughter's high math score on the Stanford (she was in 3rd grade and earned the grade equivalent of a 10th grader on math problem solving) instead of saying, "Wow, that's great!" she said, "Well, what does that say about the 10th graders taking the test??" :glare:

 

A week later when her daughter scored a few soccer goals, I was tempted to say, "Well, what does that say about the other team??" :lol: But of course I didn't; I cheered for her and said, "Way to go!!" As you can see, these kinds of comments really get under my skin, and I have to say something to her about it.

[Karen in CO]

Why is it that family members tend to be less supportive of our decisions than our friends? I have yet to hear a friend criticize my decision to hs, but my sister is full of criticism. The other day she made this comment to me, "I don't see how you can hs 4 children effectively. One of them is bound to be neglected. - You just don't have the time to educate them all well!"

 

I'm working on my tendency to avoid conflict, so I'm going to talk to her about how discouraging her comments are to me. How would you respond?

 

"Four? What?! I thought I had FIVE kids!"

 

Seriously. Picture yourslef like Laura Ingals teaching a one room school house. You aren't breaking new ground or doing something impossible.

 

I don't accept criticism like that. Even my math teacher brother with holds his opinions about how I'm teaching my kids until I ask for advice - usually on math.

[Sputterduck]

Why in the world would she then think that a classroom of 30 all with their own needs would be better??!

[Old Dominion Heather]

Ack! Confirmation! Not Conformation. :headdesk:

[Mrs Mungo]

Why is it that family members tend to be less supportive of our decisions than our friends? I have yet to hear a friend criticize my decision to hs, but my sister is full of criticism. The other day she made this comment to me, "I don't see how you can hs 4 children effectively. One of them is bound to be neglected. - You just don't have the time to educate them all well!"

 

I'm working on my tendency to avoid conflict, so I'm going to talk to her about how discouraging her comments are to me. How would you respond?

 

As opposed to being a classroom with 20 or 30 kids?

[DawnM]

Just tell her you pick a different one to neglect each day so that they at least get edumacated the other 4 days per week! :tongue_smilie:

 

When I taught elective classes I often had 45 9th graders PER class and taught 5 to 6 periods per day plus a homeroom of 35, often over 250 kids total on my rosters combined.....I couldn't even remember their names, much less follow up on kids who were not getting it when I taught it.

 

Dawn

 

Why is it that family members tend to be less supportive of our decisions than our friends? I have yet to hear a friend criticize my decision to hs, but my sister is full of criticism. The other day she made this comment to me, "I don't see how you can hs 4 children effectively. One of them is bound to be neglected. - You just don't have the time to educate them all well!"

 

I'm working on my tendency to avoid conflict, so I'm going to talk to her about how discouraging her comments are to me. How would you respond?

[Mejane]

Family members are probably more emotionally invested in your kids. Plus, they think they can say anything they want and you will still love them. (Not necessarily... but that's another thread.)

 

I like what someone here said about responding to these sorts of comments (paraphrasing): You ruin your kids, and let me ruin mine. ;)

[JennyD]

"Four? What?! I thought I had FIVE kids!"

 

.

 

Love this.

[Mimm]

I love the comments you guys suggested, and if I could go back in time, I'd say them!! Her critical remarks have been going on for years now, and I've just "swept them under the rug" bc I hate conflict. I realize now that my avoidance of conflict is hurting our relationship - not helping it.

 

Last year, when she saw my daughter's high math score on the Stanford (she was in 3rd grade and earned the grade equivalent of a 10th grader on math problem solving) instead of saying, "Wow, that's great!" she said, "Well, what does that say about the 10th graders taking the test??" :glare:

 

A week later when her daughter scored a few soccer goals, I was tempted to say, "Well, what does that say about the other team??" :lol: But of course I didn't; I cheered for her and said, "Way to go!!" As you can see, these kinds of comments really get under my skin, and I have to say something to her about it.

 

hehe, well, she has a point. :) I don't think it's the one she was trying to make though. If she feels the tenth graders out there are getting such an inadequate education that a fourth grader should be able to do their work then why where is the argument in favor of public school?

 

Why is it that so many people think that the choices a family makes for themselves are a direct judgment against any other choices. It's such a weird, narcissistic way of thinking. :confused: Perhaps you should reassure her that the decision to homeschool is about you and your children and not about her in any way.

[Punchie]

I was thinking more along the lines of, "Oh, yeah, that third one? What's-his-name? I almost never do any work with him. I figure three out of four is pretty good anyway." ;)

 

 

75% is a C average! You'll be right at the top of the bell curve.

[Jean in Newcastle]

"Not only was that comment ridiculous but it was very rude as well." or "This is how you are supposed to respond to your loved ones who are making the best choices they can for their family: I'm sure you are doing your best." Sometimes people need a tape recorder to hear what they are actually saying.

[jec3113]

Have a similar situation with my brother. I finally had enough when he said "Homeschooling is making your kids stupid." right in front of my ds. Several months later I finally spoke up. Told him I understood he had a problem with us homeschooling but that I would not tolerate him saying things in front of my kids. What I got in return was cut out of his life! I have to say I'm not sad about it. I do not miss the drama. Hope it goes better for you. If it doesn't just remember that you are doing what is right for your family.

[Miss Marple]

Why is it that family members tend to be less supportive of our decisions than our friends? I have yet to hear a friend criticize my decision to hs, but my sister is full of criticism. The other day she made this comment to me, "I don't see how you can hs 4 children effectively. One of them is bound to be neglected. - You just don't have the time to educate them all well!"

 

I'm working on my tendency to avoid conflict, so I'm going to talk to her about how discouraging her comments are to me. How would you respond?

 

I think I would ask her why she thinks you could effectively educate 3? Sounds like she is saying you can do three but not 4. Would she think you could do 4 if you had 5 (and so on)?

 

But honestly, just grin and claim to be Wonder Woman!

[missesd]

Why is it that family members tend to be less supportive of our decisions than our friends? I have yet to hear a friend criticize my decision to hs, but my sister is full of criticism. The other day she made this comment to me, "I don't see how you can hs 4 children effectively. One of them is bound to be neglected. - You just don't have the time to educate them all well!"

 

I'm working on my tendency to avoid conflict, so I'm going to talk to her about how discouraging her comments are to me. How would you respond?

 

I would say, "Well if that theory is true then how does a teacher school 30+ children?? Or High School teacher who have 30 kids plus per class, and at least 6 classes?? Most of their time is spent quieting the class down, tell little Johnny to sit down, or answering the questions of more then 4 children. This way they get on on one attention, and it goes much faster then you would think. 50% of teachers classes in college have to do with classroom management. You don't have a classroom, you have a family... they know you, respect you, have come to mind and listen to you because they learned early to trust you to teach them everything from how to walk to the ABC's, to not to run in the road to how to draw and write. No one one knows your children better then you, and there is no one they will ever trust more. There is no better student-teacher relationship better then that."

[JenniferB]

I'm going to be a party pooper, play the devil's advocate, and say that the OP's sister could be genuinely concerned about her sister and her nieces and nephews. When I read those comments from the OP's sister, I translated it as concern that it will be very difficult to home educate 4 children to meet or exceed what they would get at public school. If this was her intent - genuine concern at the difficulty of the task, then I would agree that it is very difficult to meet or exceed a public school education for 4 children at home. This is especially true if those children are close in age, but not close enough to lump together in language arts and math. You don't want to hold one back for the sake of the younger one, and you don't want to push too hard on the younger one to keep the older one challenged. So, you could end up with 4 children all at different levels of language arts and math. History, science, and art can be shared if the children are close in age, but you still have the difference in abilities from the oldest to the youngest, even for those subjects. Then there are those extra things that the kids get in ps, such as drama, music, sports, clubs, etc. etc. These can be very important to some people, and the highlight of their childhood. Many people can't imagine doing without those things, or having to contend with alternatives by choice. This does make it a difficult job to do effectively, and very different from a teacher who teaches the same level of information to 30 children.

 

Before answering my sister, I would ask myself the question, honestly. Can I give my 4 children a quality education effectively? Of course you have asked yourself this many times I'm sure, and your answer was, yes! I think most would agree, however, that it is difficult. So, I would have a different response to my sister. I assume that my sister has my best interests, and the best interests of my children at heart, so I would respond more like this:

 

"Tondra (this is my sister's name), I am also concerned about educating my 4 children at home effectively. I know it will be difficult. I've listed out the pros and cons. I've thought, read, and prayed about this decision. My husband is in full agreement that we can provide our children with a higher quality education than the public school. We have also considered not only their education, but their upbringing as a whole. We feel very strongly that we can provide a better upbringing as a whole by educating them at home. I really appreciate your concern, and I would also appreciate your prayers and understanding as I move through this life choice. I'm really going to need your support, encouragement, and prayers. I love you very much."

 

OK, I've officially turned this party into a somber dose of reality. Sorry! :angelsad2: Now, someone can give me the "chill" button.

[RanchGirl]

If she is genuinely concerned and you have a warm relationship, then you might try to answer her concerns. I assume in this type of relationship, you would also be able to express concerns to her about her parenting/education issues.

 

If she is just generally critical of you and questions/insults your decisions, then you don't need to respond to the criticism, you need to deal with that dynamic. For some reason she thinks that is an ok way to treat you. In general, I think that people treat us the way we let them treat us. No one in my family would dare insult my educational choices to my face. (Though I'm sure it probably happens behind my back all the time!!) I don't know exactly how we got to this point, but I think it might be because I have never expressed in any way that I believe this is anyone's business other than my husband and myself. They ask questions but in an interested in the kids and how homeschooling works type of way, not in a critical way. The two are very different situations in my opinion.

 

I really like the way you put it that by allowing her to behave this way, you are hurting the relationship rather than helping (I'm paraphrasing). I hope you can get her to see that this is not acceptable anymore!

[creekmom]

I'm going to be a party pooper, play the devil's advocate, and say that the OP's sister could be genuinely concerned about her sister and her nieces and nephews. When I read those comments from the OP's sister, I translated it as concern that it will be very difficult to home educate 4 children to meet or exceed what they would get at public school. If this was her intent - genuine concern at the difficulty of the task, then I would agree that it is very difficult to meet or exceed a public school education for 4 children at home. This is especially true if those children are close in age, but not close enough to lump together in language arts and math. You don't want to hold one back for the sake of the younger one, and you don't want to push too hard on the younger one to keep the older one challenged. So, you could end up with 4 children all at different levels of language arts and math. History, science, and art can be shared if the children are close in age, but you still have the difference in abilities from the oldest to the youngest, even for those subjects. Then there are those extra things that the kids get in ps, such as drama, music, sports, clubs, etc. etc. These can be very important to some people, and the highlight of their childhood. Many people can't imagine doing without those things, or having to contend with alternatives by choice. This does make it a difficult job to do effectively, and very different from a teacher who teaches the same level of information to 30 children.

 

Before answering my sister, I would ask myself the question, honestly. Can I give my 4 children a quality education effectively? Of course you have asked yourself this many times I'm sure, and your answer was, yes! I think most would agree, however, that it is difficult. So, I would have a different response to my sister. I assume that my sister has my best interests, and the best interests of my children at heart, so I would respond more like this:

 

"Tondra (this is my sister's name), I am also concerned about educating my 4 children at home effectively. I know it will be difficult. I've listed out the pros and cons. I've thought, read, and prayed about this decision. My husband is in full agreement that we can provide our children with a higher quality education than the public school. We have also considered not only their education, but their upbringing as a whole. We feel very strongly that we can provide a better upbringing as a whole by educating them at home. I really appreciate your concern, and I would also appreciate your prayers and understanding as I move through this life choice. I'm really going to need your support, encouragement, and prayers. I love you very much."

 

OK, I've officially turned this party into a somber dose of reality. Sorry! :angelsad2: Now, someone can give me the "chill" button.

 

You have a good point, which is precisely why I draw a blank when she asks these kind of questions. Am I really doing enough? Would they get a better education at school? These questions haunt me all the time. Don't they haunt us all???!! It doesn't help that her kids attend one of the best schools in the country (yes, I wrote country - not county)!

My kids wouldn't be in that school anyway since we're not in the same district. My kids would be going to an average ps.

 

Anyway, my husband is more than pleased at how they're being educated (and he's a ps teacher and was against hs in the beginning). He'll be the first to say they're getting a good education at home. I don't need her to feed my insecurities, which is precisely why we need to talk. I like that you wrote from the angle of "I need your help, support and prayers!!" I think that would not put her on the defensive. I think far too often our friends/family start thinking... maybe she's right, maybe hs is a great option, maybe I should be hsing, but I don't want to hs, etc., so they dwell on the negatives to make themselves feel better. - Again, I've never been critical of her decision to ps her kids, and I'm not one of those people who thinks hs is the best way to educate your kids - it just works for us, for our family, and that's all that matters to me. Now to get her to see that.

[Mimm]

That's very charitable, but unfortunately you can't always assume that your family has your best interest at heart. Just earlier in this thread, a woman said her brother cut her out of his life for standing up to him when he made inexcusably rude comments in front of her children. (It's NEVER ok to call a child stupid!) I'm sure we all have examples of family members that don't have our best interests at heart, and while I think it's lovely that you can assume that about your own sister, others may not be so lucky.

 

Personally, if my own sister were making negative comments, I would assume this comes from concern for me and my daughters. If it was my father, I would know that he was being manipulative and attempting to stir up drama. If it was my mother in law, I know that she is honestly concerned about the well being of her grandchildren. If it was one of my brothers... I would know that he was joking. :) While we're on the topic of assumptions being made, I assume that the OP knows her sister well enough to discern the intent behind the negative comments.

[UmMusa]

JenniferB, that is a really nice perspective. It would be nice to be able to say all of that, and I hope that if/when any relative does say something like that to me that i will answer similar to what you just said.

 

When relatives get like that it's because they are feeling somewhat challenged by your choice. They do love you, but because of family dynamics it comes out aggressive. I think killing them with kindness is a great way to go. You're even vocalizing feelings they cannot get the nerve to express. When my family asked me 'are you sure you can do it with 4?' or 'how can you manage with a toddler?' or 'you need to hire some help b/c you have your hands too full' I would answer in agreement and then tell them that things just work out (with prayer, with rearranging priorities, etc..). Because, honestly, I'm sure we've all been a bit concerned whether we're doing it 'right' or not! Of course I think the only 'right' way is what works for your family (save obvious neglect).

[lionfamily1999]

Why is it that family members tend to be less supportive of our decisions than our friends? I have yet to hear a friend criticize my decision to hs, but my sister is full of criticism. The other day she made this comment to me, "I don't see how you can hs 4 children effectively. One of them is bound to be neglected. - You just don't have the time to educate them all well!"

 

I'm working on my tendency to avoid conflict, so I'm going to talk to her about how discouraging her comments are to me. How would you respond?

Right now the teacher to student ratio in public school is around 20 to 1, so I figure we're good until after we have sixteen more kids. No worries :D

[mcconnellboys]

How does a teacher teach a classroom of 30 children (all with very different backgrounds, skills and needs - much more so than your four) effectively? Answer: they don't. That's why we homeschool, LOL.....

[Mama Geek]

Why is it that family members tend to be less supportive of our decisions than our friends? I have yet to hear a friend criticize my decision to hs, but my sister is full of criticism. The other day she made this comment to me, "I don't see how you can hs 4 children effectively. One of them is bound to be neglected. - You just don't have the time to educate them all well!"

 

I'm working on my tendency to avoid conflict, so I'm going to talk to her about how discouraging her comments are to me. How would you respond?

 

If you can't hs 4 kids well how on earth does a ps teacher teach 20-30 kids well:D

[scubamama]

"Luckily, the one I neglect is a genius, so he/she's doing ok anyway. :D "

 

Tara

 

 

:lol::lol:

Ha! I will totally be using this one!

[Murphy101]

Why is it that family members tend to be less supportive of our decisions than our friends? I have yet to hear a friend criticize my decision to hs, but my sister is full of criticism. The other day she made this comment to me, "I don't see how you can hs 4 children effectively. One of them is bound to be neglected. - You just don't have the time to educate them all well!"

 

I'm working on my tendency to avoid conflict, so I'm going to talk to her about how discouraging her comments are to me. How would you respond?

 

 

 

Oh geez. Sometimes people are just stupid. Yeah, how can a mother of four keep track of her own kids school work.

 

Obviously the answer is to out them in a classroom with one teacher and 18-25 other kids their age because those individuals never neglect any of this kids. :001_huh:

[kalanamak]

"I don't see how you can hs 4 children effectively. One of them is bound to be neglected. - You just don't have the time to educate them all well!"

 

I'm working on my tendency to avoid conflict, so I'm going to talk to her about how discouraging her comments are to me. How would you respond?

 

Have you considering asking her "why do you say that?" or "what makes you think that?"

[HS Mom in NC]

I would respond with, "Your bad manners are exceeded by only your bad manners."

 

I think your sister has MUCH bigger issues going on. She lacks basic socials and familial skills. Was this something she learned growing up in your childhood home or is she rebelling against what she was taught there?

 

I have 3 brothers. I homeschool, one brother's child attends a private Christian school, one has kids in public and charter/public schools, and the other has no children but is married to a public school teacher. We do not criticize each other's decisions because it's rude, it violates a social boundary (as in, I'm not your spouse so you don't owe me an explanation about what you do with your kids if it doesn't directly affect me) and it's very immature.

 

Next time she asks how you can homeschool four children intentionally misunderstand and pretend you think she really wants to know. Offer to loan her a pile of books and send her a bunch of links about homeschooling so her burning curiosity can be satisfied. That'll shut her up.