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To ban or not to ban ...


Guest CarolineUK
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Guest CarolineUK

... video games.

 

I was always fairly relaxed about video games until I noticed that my eldest two were playing them rather more than I felt healthy. I then banned them Monday to Friday, but allowed them to play as much as they liked at the weekend.

 

This week DS11 is off school so we're all having a holiday from school and I agreed to let them play DS/Wii for two hours maximum each day. This morning DS9 was up playing his DS at 0730, he's not usually up until 0930-ish on school days. At 0930 I told him he'd used up all his DS time and had to find something else to do, then DS6 came down and wanted to play the Wii. I agreed that DS9 could play with him as long as he went and spent half an hour reading first, which he did. He then came and played the Wii for half an hour, after which I told him it was someone else's turn.

 

I told him twice. He didn't listen. Then he got into a fight with DS6 over it and as I walked in DS9 was throwing DS6 against the wall, with DS6 banging his head.

 

I was furious. I feel that DS9's obsession with video games has got out of control. But should I ban him completely? I generally don't believe in banning things completely, but feel that we should all be able to do most things in moderation. I'm now just beginning to wonder whether DS9 is capable of this.

 

What do you think?

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We deliberately chose not to buy video games or handhelds for our kids, so they're effectively banned. I let them play them with other kids, but explained that we can't have them at home because both boys are autistic and prone to obsessions. Since they don't play often, they're not good at it and don't find the games enjoyable. The downside is that they are completely ignorant of an important area of kid culture. If you're having that many issues with the games, it may be time to donate them to charity.

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As the op said, I do not like to ban things, BUT we have taken that step here and ALL electronic games have been banned. DS10 is totally unable to exercise any restraint where they are concerned.

 

We don't even have a Wii but we spent yesterday at my sister's house and they have one -- the kids (the twins imparticular) were in front of it for 5 or 6 hours (big family gathering for their birthday so there WAS lots of interaction going on BUT the twins (ds particularly) would have sat in front of it all day even if he was alone. He is unable to pull himself away even after the shortest amount of time in front of the screen - someone here called it a screen addiction and I have to agree.

 

So - we have now banned the DS, the PS2 was boxed and given away months ago, we have decided that we will not get a Wii for Christmas, no Blockland (that is on my computer), no Club Penguin, we don't have cable tv or satellite or FIOS tv, and we have decided no NETFLIX, BB, or REDBOX unless it is something specifically school-related.

 

I HATE doing stuff like this, but I see that with DS, if I give him an inch, he will take a mile.

 

I figure I can always reassess in the future, but right now in our house, banning is necessary.

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We had them all, video games, ps, xbox wii and monitors all over the house. I hated it! I felt I was regulating all the time.

For our family, emphasis on our family, video games were a distraction, done instead of outside side play, and were something ugly.

As a family we discussed it. My girls said they didn't understand half the games (but they would want their times on it). The boys said, they were seeing they would rather be playing bowling on wii or whatever game than play outside.

My husband (a recovering video game addict) said he would like them gone, because he had lost enough time on them in the past and would hate to see his boys regret lost time.

Those words sunk in to my boys.

"Can we sell them and get a trampoline?"

Done

The trampoline is up and 4 kids squeals of laughter penetrate our neighborhood, they come in sweaty and smelling of kids again. Our home is video game free.

I like it for us. It has been 4 months, and we were all in the living room one evening and my youngest boy, the video veg of them all said, "whew, I thought it was going to be harder, but you can live without the wiii"

:lol:

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I would ban them. Absolutely. And without a statute of limitations on their return.

 

Asking = maybe you'll see them in 2011 or they go to live in the trash can.

 

And words like "bored" or "boring" or "I can't find anything to do" mean "Mom, I want more work" or "Mom, please give me chores".

 

[i think video games can be really incidious for some little boys, so I treat them with caution and am never afraid to pull the plug!]

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Such behavior here results in wii controllers and game discs disappearing overnight. No need to announce a ban, the kids usually figure out that it's a consequence. If they are brave enough to ask me where they are I just remind them of what I observed that caused them to disappear. They also know that they will reappear only when *I* decide it's time and that every instance of their asking for stuff delays return by a day.

 

I've been pleased to see the alternate ways they've chosen to spend their free time in the interim.

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I have video game rules. My oldest can not self regulate at all. My dd can also get quite obsessed but sometimes she will turn it off on her own. Our house rules-no video games during the school week. Week-ends you get 2 - 3 hours. If they fight and get nasty over the games it gets taken away for a min. of 2 days.

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Guest CarolineUK

Thank you so much for your responses. You have pretty much confirmed my own instincts on the matter, and strengthened my resolve. No games today for anyone, and not for DS9 for the foreseeable future. I can tend to be a bit soft sometimes, especially when it's the holidays and they so love their games, and I've been neglecting them a bit while I tackle the accumulations of dust which have built up during the past seven weeks of schooling. Peace reigns at the moment, however, they are making animations with plasticine figures and DS11's camcorder - I wonder why there's always got to be a screen involved? :tongue_smilie:

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I think you need to 1) follow through on your own rules, 2) since he abused the privilege, no screens for X amount of time. If you tell the kids, "Only two hours of video games per day", you have to stick with that. But a child who fights you on that, becomes belligerent, or mistreats a family member over *any* privilege loses that privilege for a period of time. In this case, yes, I'd say no video games (and that really means it!) for the rest of his holiday week.

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I would not ban them, but maybe give him a month off from them. I would tell him that I feel he needs to explore other interests for a while and we'll reopen the topic of whether he gets to play again in a month depending on how well he fills his time during his month off. In other words, if he spends the month whining about wanting to play and complaining about being bored, you will know that video games are an unhealthy obsession for him and he needs more time to get over them. If he is able to occupy himself happily then perhaps video games can be a healthy part of his life.

 

I would spell all this out for him, clearly defining what types of behaviors will lead to what logical conclusions.

 

I would like to point out that video games often get blamed for things disproportionately. I don't know about you guys, but my kids fight sometimes, and hitting happens. We discipline for it, obviously, hitting is never seen as an acceptable way to handle a fight, but if I banned everything that "caused" hitting (or pushing or hair pulling, etc) we would have to ban Legos. And webkinz. And furniture. And... spending time together.

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They're just not in this house either. Think of all the things they WOULD be doing if not playing video games. And the simple click/instant reward cycle, I think, really changes their experience of the relationship of effort to reward (much reward for little effort). I do allow them 20-minute turns on the computer each day for Starfall, Rosetta Stone, Discovery streaming, etc. But I'd much rather they be playing outside then spending 2 hours a day hooked onto videos. So my vote would be to dump it altogether! :)

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We have them. The younger kids have more access to things like Leapster and V-Tech throughout the week so we really don't pull out the Wii or PS or Nintendo DS's very often. When they have them they realize that it is a priviledge. They are kept locked away except when they are allowed to have them, and if they don't bring them back to me within five minutes of the time is up warning, then they don't play. The first time they disappeared for a month they got the hint. ;) (My oldest has AS and would play for days if allowed.) I give them a little more freedom when we are on vacation, but they are still regulated. I also keep track of TV time. I wouldn't necessarily ban them but they would certainly be on "toy timeout" for quite a while. :)

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It depends. How's that for my answer.

 

My ds has a computer/video game addiction. If he plays certain kinds of games (the kind that have been designed to increase dopamine in the brain) he will go into rages. We've tried moderation etc. but this is a physical problem for him. We banned the games and had a 3 month detox. Now I am very careful to let him play only certain kinds of games. The first shooter games are out - those are a certain trigger for him. But other slower paced games don't trigger that kind of a physical response to him.

 

So - my answer is it depends. If your son's reaction was due to a reaction to certain chemicals in his brain, then yes, you should ban them and help him with that.

 

If your son's reaction was one of selfishness etc. (as all kids have trouble with sometimes with toys etc.) then it might be best to lose the privilege for a certain period of time, but not to completely ban them.

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It depends. How's that for my answer.

 

My ds has a computer/video game addiction. If he plays certain kinds of games (the kind that have been designed to increase dopamine in the brain) he will go into rages. We've tried moderation etc. but this is a physical problem for him. We banned the games and had a 3 month detox. Now I am very careful to let him play only certain kinds of games. The first shooter games are out - those are a certain trigger for him. But other slower paced games don't trigger that kind of a physical response to him.

So - my answer is it depends. If your son's reaction was due to a reaction to certain chemicals in his brain, then yes, you should ban them and help him with that.

 

If your son's reaction was one of selfishness etc. (as all kids have trouble with sometimes with toys etc.) then it might be best to lose the privilege for a certain period of time, but not to completely ban them.

 

Very interesting -- situation with my son would be what I highlighted in red from your post. I am able to take the hard line and ban -- thanks for posting this.

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We've noticed negative behavior too. We originally allowed video games at my parents, but it got to be too much so now we only allow video games at my parents on holidays. It makes the holidays fun! :) My parents are giving the kids a Wii this Christmas to keep and play at their home. I know our dc will love it.

 

Our dc can also play at friends' houses, which is not very often as they like to have nerf wars and do other things when they get together.

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I wonder why there's always got to be a screen involved? :tongue_smilie:

That is life in the 21st century. ;)

As to your original question, there is no ban on games here. The games are plugged up and ready to use at a moments notice. Computers run pretty much all day every day. I have even instigated no school weeks so dd and I can play Wii for days on end in the past.

 

I never understood why some parents restrict screen time. It truly boggled my mind. I did notice that the vast majority of parents that do this are parents of boys. I still felt it was "just what boys in this era of time do."

 

Then someone here told me about her son, and his experience. I was gobsmacked. It seems that there really are people who react anywhere from badly to very badly when their brains are exposed to video games.

 

I was able to think back to some marathon video game times when I had to shake it off. For me it takes just a moment. For other people it takes up to 24 hours.

 

As Jean said there are games made purposely to elevate brain chemicals. It isnt' so much an insidious plot to destroy our children so much as a money making scheme so video game companies prosper.

 

If it were me, knowing just what little I know now, and my child acted like that I'd look a bit more into video game addiction. I'd start checking reviews and what have you for the games that are brought into the house. I'd also talk to my kid and let her know why. A blanket ban with no explanation, and maybe even a little experimentation, is not fair to the children.

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My guys are only allowed to play them on the weekends. However, if playing video games leads to arguing/fighting with each other, or acting/speaking disprespectfully to parents, they lose them.

I wish we didn't have them, but my DH grew up playing them and feels the boys should be able to as well. My DS was trying to point out the virtues of his handheld the other day and said, "there is a lot of reading involved in playing the 'ds' mom, we're learning by playing."

Believe it or not, I have found it has helped my oldest son with his reading in a way that daily quiet reading hasn't. :confused:

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Maybe it is different because my oldest are girls. However, I don't limit time at all. Let me explain. There is no- you can play this, be on this, use this for x amount of time a day. Everything is - you must ask before use, and when I say stop it is time to stop. If I feel like they have had enough the answer is no. Maybe once a week I say yes (maybe), to video games. Very little of my kids time is taken up with electronics, yet we have them all.

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Guest CarolineUK

I don't think the content of their games is a problem. DS9's main obsession is Pokemon on his DS, the fight this morning was actually about the tennis on Wii Sport. But I do agree that DS9 probably does have a tendency towards addiction, and I would love to ban it completely, forever. However, as Chucki suggested, it may seem a rather harsh punishment to him. Some of you have made excellent suggestions, and at the moment I'm tending towards banning him for a month, then playing it by ear a bit. Not sure what to do about DS11 and DS6 though, as they don't seem to have such a problem and I'm not sure how fair it would be either to ban them for a month too, or to let them continue with video games while DS9 is not allowed to play. Difficult.

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I have two children who cannot play video games in moderation. They get so sucked into the games that they cannot monitor themselves in a healthy way.

 

Not only that, but these two children in particular become more behavior challenged when allowed to play for long periods of time.

 

We now have a time limit, with the stipulation that any behavior problems stemming from video game play would result in loss of the privilege. If a child doesn't turn it off when asked (given reasonable time to finish and save), he loses the privilege for the next day. Violent behavior, disrespect, fighting over who gets to play...no games, for a lot longer than a day.

 

I do not believe in banning things completely either, just for the sake on banning. But I do believe in banning or restricting activities or habits that are not healthy to my children. I wouldn't let my 7 y.o. sweets-seeking child to eat ice cream all day to the exclusion of healthier foods. If it became a huge problem, I would stop buying ice cream until the child was able to control ice cream-related behaviors. Same with video games.

 

In your shoes, I'd calmly sit down with ds and gently explain that people are more important than video games and it's clear that he needs a break for a few days, or a week, or a month. Whatever seems reasonable to you. When his video break is over, he's expected to show that he can control his behavior, or you'll have to put the games away for a while because they are having such a negative impact on his spirit and the family. Not in a punitive way, but in a family-problem, let's address this way. Nine is definitely old enough to have this kind of discussion.

 

In the summer, my boys started struggling with behaviors around video games. Dh and I sat down and talked with them. Our position was simple: We don't like the attitudes we're seeing. It's affecting our family in a negative way. Our idea is to put the games away for a while. After some discussion with the boys, time limits were made shorter, we made a card system so that the boys could independently make sure that they were done with chores and school, and if things did not change, then we'd move to the next step--putting the games away. So far, so good. Every once in a while a boy will lose his privilege for a day, but the grumping and grousing and bickering has subsided.

 

Cat

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Not sure what to do about DS11 and DS6 though, as they don't seem to have such a problem and I'm not sure how fair it would be either to ban them for a month too, or to let them continue with video games while DS9 is not allowed to play. Difficult.

 

Difficult, but real life.

 

This is one of the most difficult challenges we face in our home when one person loses game privileges. But also, I think, a real learning experience. It is also clear that the consequence of appropriate behavior is being allowed to play.

 

I often occupy a "banned" boy with board and card games with me, ask him to help me make dinner, read with him, play outside in the yard, walk the dog to the park. I want that non-game time to be reinforcing: Lots of attention, lots of fun. I figure this is my opportunity to fill his head with great ideas and creative play and to make non-game time as motivating as possible. :)

 

Cat

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Guest CarolineUK
I often occupy a "banned" boy with board and card games with me, ask him to help me make dinner, read with him, play outside in the yard, walk the dog to the park. I want that non-game time to be reinforcing: Lots of attention, lots of fun. I figure this is my opportunity to fill his head with great ideas and creative play and to make non-game time as motivating as possible. :)

 

What a brilliant solution, thank you! I knew there was a reason I couldn't live without this board (must never get banned :tongue_smilie:).

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Not sure what to do about DS11 and DS6 though, as they don't seem to have such a problem and I'm not sure how fair it would be either to ban them for a month too, or to let them continue with video games while DS9 is not allowed to play. Difficult.

A great way to teach your ds9 is to have him go to his room when his brothers get their time to play. Or he has to go outside because he blew his time. Trust me, he will think twice about his behavior if he has to listen to the fun but not participate.

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However, as Chucki suggested, it may seem a rather harsh punishment to him.

 

Do you think it's punishment? If not, I'd not be overly concerned about what your son thinks. If you think the video game thing is a problem, it's a problem and it's your right and privilege as a parent to correct the problem. If you think banning video games is the correct way to solve the problem, then do it.

 

Would it be punishing an alcoholic to remove alcohol from the house, or would it be a step in helping said person manage their affliction?

 

Tara

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Do you think it's punishment? If not, I'd not be overly concerned about what your son thinks. If you think the video game thing is a problem, it's a problem and it's your right and privilege as a parent to correct the problem. If you think banning video games is the correct way to solve the problem, then do it.

 

Would it be punishing an alcoholic to remove alcohol from the house, or would it be a step in helping said person manage their affliction?

 

Tara

But if her boy doesn't see the problem or acknowledge there is a problem he will be resentful. It especially isn't fair to the other kids who have done nothing wrong to have their game system tossed out. To this day I still resent my parents because of their blanket decisions. My brother was the one with the problem with sugar. My brother had the problem with lying. Banning all sugar was not fair to me. Disciplining us both because he wouldn't own up to what he did wasn't fair.

 

I'm just afraid if mom outright bans for the entire family her sons will learn to resent each other, and possibly her.

 

And the same as an alcoholic, if the alcoholic does not recognize that he has a problem he won't be cured just because he doesn't have any booze in the house. He will go sneak around to find his fix.

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And the same as an alcoholic, if the alcoholic does not recognize that he has a problem he won't be cured just because he doesn't have any booze in the house. He will go sneak around to find his fix.

 

True, but her son is young and likely won't be out getting his fix elsewhere. And it will be easier for the behavior issues to be alleviated if there is no video gaming in the house.

 

We don't have video games and never have. I don't consider my kids deprived, so I'd simply explain to my kids that removing the video games will help the whole family function better. No need to single anyone out or make it seem like a blanket decision.

 

I guess I am more of a "my house, my rules" kind of parent than some people are, but my response to my kids (really only my 16 year old, because she's usually the only one who complains) is, "When you have your own house, you can correct all my mistakes." :) Similar to, "When you drive your own car, you can listen to your own [crappy] music." :)

 

Tara

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In my house we only have video games on the Wii-kend. Dh is into them too, in fact, the consoles are his. So in my case we can't ban them completely. Dh is on board with our weekend policy, and I'm glad. Dh gets to watch TV or play a video game when he first wakes up in the morning. I don't get to play, usually, but the kids will ask me to help me once in a while. I was joking with dh that we'll make up for video game time when we're in our fifties after we're so tired of excursions during our many travels. One can dream, right?

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My boy is addicted to moving images. He cannot take his eyes off games, TV, computers etc. I have to limit his screen time so he can focus on homeschooling. Without limit, he would ask me every 5 minutes during school if he was allowed to play games. His works were sloppy and all day long he thought about when he could satisfy his addiction. My life was awful until I put the limit in place. Right now, he has 1 hour per day M-F and 2 hours on weekends. My wish is to get rid of all video games. Of course, it didn't help when my dh just bought 2 new games home last weekend.

 

One time, I invited another boy to our house. They ended up playing Wii together. I saw the other boy became violent and aggressive after playing Lego Star War for a while. He was literally throwing things. From then on, Wii was off limit in playdates.

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