Tantrums...Help.Me. :P

[Mercy_Me]

Here lately my 3 year old will set his mind on something and if it doesn't happen, GOD HELP US ALL. At this moment he is melting down over gum. I said no 20. minutes. ago. I have tried diverting his attention, comforting him, even ignoring him. Nothing. He's still walking around crying, asking for gum. Easy way.......I give him the gum. But that means we've all suffered in hell for the last 20 minutes for nada and he learns all he has to do is melt down to get his way. :glare:

 

This happens often. My other 3 never did this, so I am feeling a little lost. Any advice?

[mom2att]

The Explosive Child by Ross Greene, PhD

Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

The Sensory-Sensitive Child by Smith and Gouze

 

 

and lots of sympathy. These three books helped me immensely when my son was younger. He's 10 now, still intense, but 3 and 4 were his most difficult ages. Hang in there!

[JFSinIL]

First off, I had one of those kids, too (oldest dd). Do NOT give in and give him whatever he is pitching a fit over or he will learn that pitching a fit gets what he wants.

 

I would end up stopping a screaming, flailing jag in dd by splashing a cup of cold tap water in her face. I'd keep her cornered in the kitchen, too, until she calmed down (for her own and others safety).

 

Getting ahold of them from behind and sitting with them, holding then tightly and rocking a bit until they calm down also helps. You have to stay calm and act as if you had not a care in the world (you do not want to reinforce the behavior.)

 

It can take several times before a kid realizes the screaming etc. will not work.

[Parrothead]

Don't allow the walking around. Matter of factly take him to his room and tell him he can come back with the family when he has calmed down.

[specialmama]

Don't allow the walking around. Matter of factly take him to his room and tell him he can come back with the family when he has calmed down.

 

Bang on.

 

Kids need boundries and he's pushing his limits. You need to reel him back in and keep the proverbial leash short; meaning, do not ever give in or he'll push even more next time. Consistency is key.

 

I'd recommend The Strong Willed Child, Dare to Discipline, and Bringing Up Boys, all by Dr. James Dobson.

[Guest TheBugsMom]

First off, I had one of those kids, too (oldest dd). Do NOT give in and give him whatever he is pitching a fit over or he will learn that pitching a fit gets what he wants.

 

I would end up stopping a screaming, flailing jag in dd by splashing a cup of cold tap water in her face. I'd keep her cornered in the kitchen, too, until she calmed down (for her own and others safety).

 

Getting ahold of them from behind and sitting with them, holding then tightly and rocking a bit until they calm down also helps. You have to stay calm and act as if you had not a care in the world (you do not want to reinforce the behavior.)

 

It can take several times before a kid realizes the screaming etc. will not work.

 

I did these things for one of my children who decided to try the tantrums. My husband, being the practical man that he is, would put him in front of a mirror and tell him to look at himself, see what a mess he was making of his face, and told him to stay and look at himself until he could make his face pleasant again. This actually worked better then the other things for this particular child.

 

No matter what you decide, don't give in.

[Kathleen in VA]

Giving in to him is actually the most difficult way to handle the problem, not the esay way. You probably already know this, but if you give in, you will actually be training him to throw tantrums. Never, never, never give in.:)

[Pamela H in Texas]

It is perfectly fine for him to be upset but he doesn't have the right to make other people miserable. That means that he needs to stop wandering around subjecting you to his tantrum. I kinda like the mirror thing. We had a few options for places to go to get yourself together. But wandering around following me would not be tolerated. Swinging or the sit-n-spin or spinning in circles may help with the sensory part of a tantrum (this is why spanking so often "works" but this way the KID learns to self-regulate and self-soothe). Of course, you'd discuss these things when there is NOT an issue. Also, at the beginning of "something," you can give him a choice such as, "you might try going out and swinging or going to your room unless you'd like to sit with mommy and calm down" that way you can choose FOR him if he doesn't choose appropriately for himself.

 

Additionally, it is fine that he wants the gum, but kids need to know that asking inappropriately over and over is a sure way not to get their way. He's just young enough that teaching him how best to handle such things can be difficult. But this is when training gets done. Basically, you can teach him how he COULD have handled it ("okay, mom" or "okay, not now; when could I have one?" or "Okay, not now; may I have one after supper?").

 

Most of these discussions happen on a training basis, not when there is an issue. You discuss, practice, etc. And then you do it at the very beginning of an issue. Anything past that, YOU make the decision.

 

The extra problem I see in the OP is switching methods. That really just gives him more and more attention. Also, if you don't seem in control and he knows HE is not in control, then where is the stability to settle back down on?

 

HTHs a little.

[Mergath]

Heh. I was one of those kids. My mom said that when I'd have a screaming fit like that, the problem was usually solved pretty effectively by me screaming so hard I'd turn blue and pass out. Not kidding.

 

With my dd, when she has one of those- which isn't very often, don't know how I escaped that karma- I just tell her, "Okay, you let me know when you're done, and then we'll talk." Then I completely ignore her until she calms down. Don't know if it'll work for you, but give it a try.

[Barry Goldwater]

Giving in to him is actually the most difficult way to handle the problem, not the esay way. You probably already know this, but if you give in, you will actually be training him to throw tantrums. Never, never, never give in.:)

 

This yes...

 

This is one of those things that is easy to SAY, but so hard to actually DO. But soooooo worth it...

 

You may already be doing this (forgive me) but if you can react in a calm voice/tone without ANY emotional response, it will help your cause...when the tantrum starts, completely stop inputing to your child...offer no reaction. Drawing you into the battle emotionally is part of the child's manipulation strategy.

 

I do like the idea of keeping him standing in one spot, corner, sit on a chair or whatever you can execute effectively, with no words, ONCE YOU HAVE EXPLAINED 'you need to stop that. When you do, I will let you get up.'

 

With my No. 4, we had a tantrum over eating veges that lasted 45 minutes (I timed it.). She sat at the table alone and cried, whined and yelled. DW and I took the supervision of this event in shifts...as I said, No. 4, so we knew what we were in for...after that loooooong night, we haven't had an incident since (been 2 yrs!). I wish you that kind of luck.

[mcconnellboys]

I have NO experience with this. I only have a little story. My sister's oldest (a girl) started doing this when she was about that age. They were visiting me once, or I was visiting them, and she went into a tantrum. I was taken off guard (hadn't been warned ahead of time) and began to laugh. She stopped to look up to see this unexpected reaction. So I continued to laugh, and point. And I continued to talk to her mom as if not taking it seriously at all. I acted as if she were doing something to try to be funny. She stopped. My sister told me she tried it after I left and pretty soon the tantrums stopped.....

[Rosie_0801]

Don't allow the walking around. Matter of factly take him to his room and tell him he can come back with the family when he has calmed down.

 

Yeah, that's what we do here. Something like "Oh, poor dd is feeling naughty. Oh, you need to go and be naughty in bed." Then I'll pick her up, take her to her room and tuck her under the blankets, then leave the door ajar. Sometimes she gets up to slam it and goes back to bed :rollseyes:, usually she doesn't. When she stops her yowling, I go in and ask if she's ready to be a good girl and make her sign "sorry" if necessary since I can't make her say it. She sure can yell loudly, but at least it isn't in my face.

 

Rosie

[Punchie]

DD4 does the screaming and hitting. There have been times that I was waiting for the cops to knock on my door b/c of the racket she made. The easiest way for us to deal w/it is to chuck her in her room and shut the door. That might be harsh, but that's the only thing we've found to work so far.

[Heidi]

My dd2.5 does this all day long. Tantrums about everything, usually happens in the morning. I can't handle screaming, personally, so I send her to her room every time. She screams in there, gets over it, and comes and joins the rest of us when she is done, like nothing happened. :001_huh: I'm hoping its just a two year old thing. My other kids never did this. She is learning that no means no and the tantrums are becoming shorter.

However my sister in law will not give a consequence to her children. They still whine and throw tantrums constantly if they don't get their way (ages 4, 6 & 8). She eventually gives them what they want and they stop whining, only to whine about something else a few minutes later. They have become spoiled brats that nobody likes to be around; not even grandma.

[Guest mrsjamiesouth]

2 of my Favorite Parenting books are: Loving Our Kids on Purpose and Creative Corrections by Lisa Whelchel. In Loving they recommend telling your child, "Fun or no fun?" You tell them that screaming is no fun and they need to stay in their room until they want to have fun with you. If he comes back out screaming you tell him, "No fun," and send him back.

The one by Lisa Whelchel has super fun punishments. I use the "Noses to knees" all the time in the car. If everyone is too loud and rowdy in the car, I shout "Noses to Kness!" and all the kids have to put their noses on their knees for 2 minutes. For talking back the kids have to hold their tongue for 1 minute. I also require laps, jumping jacks, and scrubbing toilets. I tried time outs and spanking and I found neither one really works for us, but these do.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Creative-Correction-Lisa-Whelchel/dp/1589971280/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1287543304&sr=1-1

 

http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Kids-Purpose-Danny-Silk/dp/0768427398/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1287543327&sr=1-1

[Dawn in OH]

Don't allow the walking around. Matter of factly take him to his room and tell him he can come back with the family when he has calmed down.

 

This is what we do with our 3 year old tantrum thrower. It's working quite well for us.

[katilac]

I did these things for one of my children who decided to try the tantrums. My husband, being the practical man that he is, would put him in front of a mirror and tell him to look at himself, see what a mess he was making of his face, and told him to stay and look at himself until he could make his face pleasant again. This actually worked better then the other things for this particular child.

 

omigosh, you just made me flash back to dd when she was around that age. one time, we had put her in our room till the fit wore off, and she cried so loud and so dang long that we finally went in to check on her, worried that she had somehow hurt herself.

 

we found her in front of the full-length mirror, howling and sobbing for a very appreciative audience :lol: :lol:

 

ah, good times. she's ten now, still very dramatic. thanks for the reminder that it used to be oh-so-much worse, heh.

[alpidarkomama]

Have a big party when he turns 5?? :tongue_smilie:

 

That's what we did! :lol:

 

Now he's really easy...

[Peela]

We have wonderful memories of our son, a massive tantrum thrower and screamer from birth. Around that age..ok, maybe up to age 4 or 5 as well....we would walk around swap meet (car park car boot sale) and when he wanted something that he couldnt have, he would throw these massive tantrums. It must have been hard for him surrounded by "things" he couldnt have- but we did often buy him things too. But dh would just pick him up and throw him over his shoulder and act like it was no big deal at all to have a 3 year old slung over his shoulder screaming his lungs out while he walked around. We would nod and smile at strangers as if it was just normal. Which it was for us. I look at photos of him at that age and gosh he was so darned cute- but those photos dont tell the whole story!

 

Ds is now a lovely argumentative almost 15yo. About 2 or 3 years ago he grew out of the tantrums. Around then he also became capable of playing a family board game without melting down. SO there has been progress. Actually, he is turning out pretty well, which is quite a surprise to dh and I!

 

Well, what we would do is just send him to his room. I would try and reason with him and that would rarely work but it would distract us both for a while and get me really frustrated :).

[mamapjama]

And for those little guys that do not stay in their rooms????...........

[Chris in VA]

And for those little guys that do not stay in their rooms????...........

 

Take him by the hand and silently lead him back, over and over and over and...;)

The next time, or the next, or the next week, or the next month, they will stay there.

Half of parenting is exercising loving persistence. It give the kids security, knowing they can push a boundary and it will not move.

[specialmama]

Take him by the hand and silently lead him back, over and over and over and...;)

The next time, or the next, or the next week, or the next month, they will stay there.

Half of parenting is exercising loving persistence. It give the kids security, knowing they can push a boundary and it will not move.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: It is hard work, but 1) welcome to parenthood 2) it pays off HUGE later. Tackling these things later will only be harder. Can you imagine a 14 yr old whining that they want their boy/girlfriend to sleep over in their bedroom and then mom giving in? Or having a temper tantrum when mom won't let them drink booze at their 16th birthday? It happens. Best to deal with it now. Sure, it means your life stops for an hour every so often as you bring him back again and again. And it's usually an hour that you really didn't want to lose. C'est la vie. ;)

[Mercy_Me]

Thank you guys so much for all of the great advice. I've ordered several of the books mentioned. He is a truly delightful boy, except when he's not. LOL

[misscometa]

That's a tough age, I have one that age :lol: but, I am committed to pick my battles. Otherwise, my head is going to explode...don't give in, if it's something you feel strongly about. At that age, I feel is more about them wanting to make their decisions and stuff like that. So, some things, I let go, so then, I can say NO to the ones I really do not want to bend my arm.

 

It's a struggle though, hand in there!

[Wee Pip]

My oldest was like this. When she hit 18mos and learned the word "cookie", she flung herself on the floor and threw a giant fit, yelling "coooookie! coooookie!!" We left her to it and eventually she fell asleep on the floor...only to wake up a few minutes later and yell "coooookie! cooookie!!" for another tantrum before drifting into a fitful sleep again. She did this from 10pm until 3am, when she finally conked out for good and stopped crying for cookies. I started to really question this whole parenting thing. She was also the "not stay in her room" kinda gal. Corners became easier for us to implement, but we had to be hugely consistent (lots of redirecting her back into the corner and not letting her out until she served her full sentence without screaming or coming out of the corner. This could last hours, just to get a proper "minutes = age" time out). My 2nd one was a pouter. Oh, I loooove pouters! They just sit there and pout. They are quiet and you can ignore them. Doesn't matter if their silent tantrum lasts 5 hours - who cares when it's tucked into a chair with a pouty lip? It's the loud-follow-you-around tantrum throwers that I have a hard time with:)