I guess this is a vent (homeschool outing)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I wasn't so sure when I posted this thread if it would help me or hurt me (by cementing my hard feelings) but this catharsis has been good for me. Also- trying to explain what I think was going on in her head has helped too because it's made me realize that despite the fact that I like her, she is not a person who is really into personal responsibility. I think there is a level of selfishness there too. She's not a super close friend and now I guess I know why that is.

 

I didn't say anything right when it was happening because it was one of those jaw-dropping moments for me. But while I felted broad-sided and used, I don't think I feel any harder feelings toward her. At least - I had a flash of anger but I think it is dissipating into more of a "I guess I learned something" sort of a feeling.

[ZeldaRules]

Mixing friends and money can be a mess. I hate mixing friendship and business because if something goes wrong, you lose the friend. It's not worth it to me. I had/have a friend that screwed me out of a discount on product she sold (we sold the same thing for a while and I quit, she offered to give me the discount) - she 'conveniently' forgot about the discount when I was stuck in a contractual club for 6 months. I called her out on it and she says she 'forgot'. She is so tight & anal with money...she didn't forget. She was the one girl in the group that was the most religious. After that, our friendship fizzled because I was so put off by her actions. Her true personality came out. I wouldn't have cared if she quit giving the discount, but I was in a contract and she didn't tell me before entering it. She did give me the discount or reimburse me when I called her out on it...but the damage was done. As a favor, I gave her sales from my customers while I was still a demo so I would drop off...those sales gave her the money needed to get her downline profits, which equaled more in money made than she would have with all my orders...probably triple.

 

It wasn't so much the screwing me as the light showing what she thought of our friendship. We were pretty close at one time. We have both moved and we are FB friends, but I wouldn't willingly hang out with her if we lived close by. There is more to that story though.

 

I guess my point is - you did something nice and then your friend basically showed she didn't value what you did and you feel slighted and devalued. I am guessing. Perhaps you thought she valued your friendship more and what she did was a slap in the face. Now you know not to do it again. It sucks though. I'm sorry.

[StephanieZ]

I, too, would be irritated. It is amazingly rude of your friend, and terribly poor modelling for her children. Yucky behavior, for sure! And, it makes it harder to keep your own kids away from the evil gift shop if their friends are there! Good grief! What a double/triple disaster!

 

That said, you just have to let it go. No good can come from saying anything to her after the fact. It is over. Vent here, for sure. Choose to do it again, or not. Probably not. :)

 

We all make these mistakes. . .

 

I once 'lent' $100 to an employee who asked me for a wage advance to pay some utility bill. I did not want to open the floodgates of giving wage advances, so I offerred it to her as a personal loan, which she gratefully accepted. After several pay checks (twice monthly) and several "I'll pay you next paycheck"s but no actual money. . . (and me watching her smoke every day. . .) I finally went to her and said, 'Please keep the $. I don't want it repaid. It is a gift.' I did this b/c I was SO ANGRY every time that I saw her smoking and every week that went by w/o an effort to repay, that I just HAD to end it so that I wouldn't fire her or poke her eyes out. . . I knew how irresponsible she was with her personal money, and I gave her the loan anyway. So, it was MY BAD. If I wanted the money spent responsibly, I should not have lent/gifted it to her! Lesson learned!

 

In the future, if you want to GIFT something to your irresponsible friend, then you are free to do so, but w/ NO STRINGS, which means that you'd be OK seeing her blow the money on soda and overpriced gift shop junk. (This goes back to the rule about not taking money from your parents as an adult. . . unless you want to give them permission to tell you how to run your life!)

 

If you can't be OK with that (as in, you are not a saint), then you could offer her a JOB to earn the money. Tell her that you need your garage cleaned out, or whatever, and offer her to opportunity to earn the money needed for the trip from you. That way at least you'll have gotten a clean garage out of the deal!

 

((hugs)). . .

[atara]

Aw, yucky. But you know the saying, "You knew it was a snake when it bit you." You knew she was not a good money manager, right? Now you have even more proof!:D

Me? I would have just not gone, I would not have even mentioned money as the reason.

 

Some people budget well and just need help.

Some people have lots of $$ but act like they are one step away from homelessness.

Some people have no $$ because they just blow it.

 

Your friend is the latter.

[Hikin' Mama]

you did such a sweet thing! Anyone would be blessed to have you as a friend! I'm so sorry your "friend" is not so thoughful.

:grouphug:

[TXMomof4]

Someone said it earlier, but I really want to point out - you said she knew money was tight for you. But your definition of tight and hers are probably two different things.

 

My sis and I have this issue. Dh and I are WAY better off financially than she and her ex were. Both families are military, so they knew how much better off we were. However, we have a savings plan, we have paid off our debt, we use our money wisely (for the most part). They would come to our house with $25 to get through a week (including gas) and expect us to pay for everything else. Then they'd go do things like buy flat-screen tvs, Ipods, brand new vehicles, etc.

 

There is absolutely no way to make them understand that while we had money, it all has a purpose instead of just sitting there to be spent. You can't 'make' someone see that - just avoid the situation of getting stuck again. I have to *know* when I go see my sis to budget in for both families if we want to go out at all. If I'm not ok with that, I can't go visit her. Sometimes I can't, sometimes I can.

[LG Gone Wild]

I read some of the replies. And basically your friend sounds like a dolt. I don't think she used you on purpose but was just immature and insensitive and foolish.

 

She's faulty but maybe she has some redeeming qualities and so next time just roll your eyes when she complains about money (and keep your purse close to you ;) )

 

 

:grouphug: Sorry you were burned.

[Denisemomof4]

There was a local homeschool event that a friend and I wanted to go to. My friend was complaining that they did not have the funds to pay the entrance fee but really wanted to go. Money is pretty tight for us but I scraped up enough to pay the fee for her and her kids. She knows that money is tight. We got to the event and then she and her kids proceeded to go to the gift shop to spend their money (which was more than the entrance fee even cost!) We stayed away from the gift shop because I had absolutely no money left to spend even for a snack for us. I feel horribly used.

 

Since some people don't read all the way through I'll add what I typed a couple of pages later:

 

OK - this is why I haven't said anything and feel a bit reluctant to do so. Give me feedback as to if my thinking is screwy.

 

I offered the money knowing that (because of other things she's told me) they often do not make good money decisions. I did not (obviously!) grill her on how much money she was budgeting for different things. So while I paid with the clear understanding that I was providing financial help that was needed, I also offered the help free of any strings. So I feel that if I were to now object, that somehow I were attaching strings to the gift after the fact. Does that make sense?

 

Yes, Jean, that makes sense. I don't think there's anything you can do about it now. BUT, I wouldn't step in in the future to help out this family. It was extremely rude to do what they did. I don't understand how they can be ok with it. I have learned from experience that sometimes the RIGHT thing to do is simply NOTHING. We help out families/people all the time, but I've learned that osmetimes it's best to do nothing. The hardest was with my sister. She has filed bankruptcy and her house is being foreclosed on. But I can't even count how many times people have bailed them out, only to have them continue on with living beyond their means. With friends, one family went so far as to hint at how fortunate we were and that if they were able to, the'd be donating money to families in need every time they could. :glare: I'm so tired of people looking for handouts when they're totally irresponsible. We are in a better boat than some because we have made wise decisions and because WE HAVE DONE WITHOUT.

 

I understand your heart and wanting to help. I have been there many times. But I have learned to carefully observe and pray before I give financially in any manner. It was a lesson learned - that giving is not always right. Giving sometimes is enabling.

:grouphug: I'm sorry..... you probably feel taken advantage of. I would if I were in your shoes! But if this is a friendship you really intend to keep, chalk it up as a learning experience and then forget abut it. :grouphug:

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that probably she didn't really want to go all that much and hid behind the money issue. It just wasn't worth it to her. So when you offered she just made the best of it to more forward, and was thoughtless about the effect on you. It doesn't excuse her behavior, but it might make it more understandable.

[QuirkyKapers]

I think what you did was great! I think you taught your kids that a true friend will make sacrifices for other people they care about. Unfortunately, the action of your friend was thoughtless. I am wondering if she acknowledged and thanked you for your generosity (not that you were helping out for the thanks)? Like others have said, people have different ways of defining what broke means. I know some of my friends who have been bankrupt still spent lots of money on Christmas or bought pets...It is hard to fathom that. To me broke, is well, broke. There isn't money for extra's and sacrifices and hard choices will have to be made. You can't keep doing everything you were before!

 

I agree with others about perhaps talking to her about it. However, in my experience, the fact that she spent money in front of you, might mean she won't have any idea why you are upset. Actually, she might not even care. So, you might walk away being even more angry. I definetly would not help her out in that way again! Relationships are tricky and I agree with Simka, weigh out the friendship before you decide to confront.:grouphug:

[hillfarm]

Lesson learned. Don't give any more treats to this person in the future. And be wary of getting caught up in similar situations in the future - consider the way a family handles their financial responsibilities prior to spending some of your hard earned money on them.

 

I wouldn't bother saying anything to this person. IMO, saying something could result in losing the friendly relationship in addition to losing the money. I doubt she would pay you back, since she didn't ask you to pay for them in the first place and you would end up looking like the one in the wrong here. (Which I totally don't think you are.)

[RanchGirl]

There was a local homeschool event that a friend and I wanted to go to. My friend was complaining that they did not have the funds to pay the entrance fee but really wanted to go. Money is pretty tight for us but I scraped up enough to pay the fee for her and her kids. She knows that money is tight. We got to the event and then she and her kids proceeded to go to the gift shop to spend their money (which was more than the entrance fee even cost!) We stayed away from the gift shop because I had absolutely no money left to spend even for a snack for us. I feel horribly used.

 

Since some people don't read all the way through I'll add what I typed a couple of pages later:

 

OK - this is why I haven't said anything and feel a bit reluctant to do so. Give me feedback as to if my thinking is screwy.

 

I offered the money knowing that (because of other things she's told me) they often do not make good money decisions. I did not (obviously!) grill her on how much money she was budgeting for different things. So while I paid with the clear understanding that I was providing financial help that was needed, I also offered the help free of any strings. So I feel that if I were to now object, that somehow I were attaching strings to the gift after the fact. Does that make sense?

 

 

I think you could matter of factly let her know that "it bothered me that you spent more in the gift shop than the entrance fee that I donated to you out of my strict budget". Not as a "strings attached" kind of thing but as a clearing the air kind of thing. Perhaps she would graciously say you know you are right, I'm sorry, and here's the $$ so let's put this behind us. But she might also be so offended or so embarrassed that she breaks off the friendship, so you need to decide what kind of relationship you want with this person. Personally, she would have to have some pretty fabulous kids that are very important to my children in order for me to put up with that kind of behavior on an ongoing basis.

[FlockOfSillies]

But if she really didn't want to go, then when Jean offered to pay she could have said, "You know, I'm not even sure I want to go. Keep your money." Obviously, that's not even close to what happened. I think it says an awful lot about this woman's character.

[In2why]

I don't think I could look at the friendship in the same way every again.

Basically I read it as your kids went without, so that her kids could have items from the gift shop. Very selfish on her part.

 

Yes, you made a choice when you decided to pay, but it was based on incomplete information that she gave you, and that any reasonable person would assume.

 

If you want to keep the friendship, I think you have to talk to her. If not the resentment will eat away at the friendship anyway. I would stress that it isn't about the money, or even wanting it back, but that she understand that you made sacrifices so they could go, and that you felt taken advantage of when they did in fact have the money to pay. I would also stress that your kids would have like something from the gift shop as well, but since you paid her families way that wasn't an option, and you and they were hurt by her actions.

 

If she doesn't get it, I don't think she is friend material.

[Carol in Cal.]

But if she really didn't want to go, then when Jean offered to pay she could have said, "You know, I'm not even sure I want to go. Keep your money." Obviously, that's not even close to what happened. I think it says an awful lot about this woman's character.

 

True, but difficult, but much better. And yes, it does speak to her character.

[Parrothead]

I know it won't help for this time. But if it ever remotely happens again say loud (enough for her to hear),

"Hey kids, look, Mrs. Smith is buying things in the gift shop. Go pick something out."

[Jean in Newcastle]

I know it won't help for this time. But if it ever remotely happens again say loud (enough for her to hear),

"Hey kids, look, Mrs. Smith is buying things in the gift shop. Go pick something out."

 

:D

[Murphy101]

She told me that she gave each child x amount of money to spend for fun. So no it wasn't money that the kids has saved up.

 

Wow. What cajones?

 

I'd have probably said something like, "That was really nice of you. If I hadn't purchased your tickets, I might have been able to do something nice like that for my kids too. As it is, they will have to do without."

 

If you can't bring yourself to be honest about it, then the only way to not let this fester and hurt the friendship is to take it as a lesson learned and never mix money with that friendship again.:grouphug:

[danivdp]

I think that probably she didn't really want to go all that much and hid behind the money issue. It just wasn't worth it to her. So when you offered she just made the best of it to more forward, and was thoughtless about the effect on you. It doesn't excuse her behavior, but it might make it more understandable.

 

Um, If I didn't want to go, I wouldn't have gone when someone else was paying and spent money there in front of them.....lunch maybe, but definitely not gift shop.

 

I think it was rude. I'd say something when I had the chance, kinda sarcastic and underhanded like though, LOL. And I'd never give her anything $$ or gifts again :glare:

[Impish]

No doubt, if she's spending money she doesn't have on trinkets in a gift shop!

 

In your position, I'd keep some distance at this point in time if you don't want to have a conversation with her. Not getting anything for your kids at the gift shop, while leaving you in a position unable to do so for your own, is flat out M-E-A-N to do to someone's children! Seems like someone needs to put her straight, and it doesn't sound as if you want to be the one to do it. (Nor am I implying you should be the one.) So, that's why I suggest some distance. Preserve the acquaintanceship, but don't kid yourself that this is a true friendship at this point in time.

 

Anyway, :grouphug: to you. Reminds me of the old saying, "No good deed goes unpunished." Which is usually wrong, but stings so much when it does apply. :grouphug: again!

:iagree:

I understand your thinking. OTOH, you paid with the understanding that she didn't have that money--and she did. She lied to you, as far as I can tell. Lying is a problem.

Bingo!

I wasn't so sure when I posted this thread if it would help me or hurt me (by cementing my hard feelings) but this catharsis has been good for me. Also- trying to explain what I think was going on in her head has helped too because it's made me realize that despite the fact that I like her, she is not a person who is really into personal responsibility. I think there is a level of selfishness there too. She's not a super close friend and now I guess I know why that is.

 

I didn't say anything right when it was happening because it was one of those jaw-dropping moments for me. But while I felted broad-sided and used, I don't think I feel any harder feelings toward her. At least - I had a flash of anger but I think it is dissipating into more of a "I guess I learned something" sort of a feeling.

I'm sorry. That sucks.

 

It would have been different, imo, if the kids had saved up their money from birthday, etc and whipped it out. Even then, I think I would talk to my kids beforehand, "If you want to go to Xyz, you'll have to pay your admission. Daddy and I just can't afford it right now..." rather than have them spend in the gift shop. I'm weird though.

[Carol in Cal.]

Um, If I didn't want to go, I wouldn't have gone when someone else was paying and spent money there in front of them.....lunch maybe, but definitely not gift shop.

 

I think it was rude. I'd say something when I had the chance, kinda sarcastic and underhanded like though, LOL. And I'd never give her anything $$ or gifts again :glare:

 

Yes, it absolutely was rude. And thoughtless, too.

[unsinkable]

I know it won't help for this time. But if it ever remotely happens again say loud (enough for her to hear),

"Hey kids, look, Mrs. Smith is buying things in the gift shop. Go pick something out."

 

OMGosh! This made me :lol:

[Tap]

I have had similar things happen to me in the past and what I try to glean from it is this...you really wanted her to have the experience of the event. It sounds like they did enjoy it and I would focus on that, and that alone. I understand that you are frustrated about the gift shop, but you can either focus on what you wanted to accomplish or the negative...I would choose the positive.

 

I have had two friends over the years that I now know, not to invite anywhere. I have had tooo many times when we have gone out to a casual dinner, while I spent $15 on dinner and a drink, I watched them spend $30-50 on a dinner, appetizer, multiple alcoholic drinks and then talk about how they are defunct on a loan or don't have electricity at the moment. The first time it happened....I was irritated. The next time, I realized that some people just really, really don't understand money or have a compulsion to spend. One of my coworkers used to spend all her paychecks on things like waxing her eyebrows, manicures, and expensive clothes...but then take her wedding ring to the pawn shop to eat for the week. The next month she scrape up the money to buy it back before it went up for sale and then the cycle would repeat a month later. Between what she lost at the pawn shop (essentially a high interest loan) and the wasted money on frivolous things, she kept herself broke all the time. I had another coworker who got into a habit of writing bad checks to cover purchases, hoping that her paycheck would post before the check would.

 

Even though I got along great with these people, I quickly realized that I had to make sure I didn't put myself in a position that I felt I was judging their financial choices. For me, that meant not inviting them anywhere or going with them to an event/dinner. I had to stop spending time with them at all, because anytime they would mention a purchase or defunct loan, I would have to bite my tongue so hard I was afraid it would start to bleed.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have had similar things happen to me in the past and what I try to glean from it is this...you really wanted her to have the experience of the event. It sounds like they did enjoy it and I would focus on that, and that alone. I understand that you are frustrated about the gift shop, but you can either focus on what you wanted to accomplish or the negative...I would choose the positive.

 

 

 

That's really good. We did have a good time. They are fun people to share an experience with. But the examples you gave of poor money management are spot on.

[Chris in VA]

Is she, by any chance, an Aspie? I have known a few folks with Asperger's who "over-compartmentalize." This is a long shot, and still doesn't make what she did right, but perhaps she figured she didn't have enough money for the entrance fee AND the gift shop, and since you paid the fee, she had enough for the gift shop. She may have been thinking of them as two different and separate "funds."

 

Different thinking, and doesn't make much sense (get it--doesn't make...sense! ROFL--ahem--ok...). But who knows, it could be something like Aspie at work.