Depressed 13yo daughter......when to be concerned?

[Rachel]

Okay, so my daughter is newly 13yo. And boy is she miserable. Now she has been like this for awhile now........as in the last couple of years it has gotten progressively worse. I know you are thinking it so I'll tell you......no, she hasn't started her period yet (nor really had any breast development)

So here is the problem..........she is unhappy ALL THE TIME........and makes the people around her unhappy.

She doesn't look at the bright side, but always finds something to complain about

No matter what you say, she will argue.....without fail

She is unhappy about the way she looks (she still has baby fat) but she dresses soooo dumpy even though I take her shopping and try to show her styles that will make her look good

She complains she has no friends (somewhat true, but I believe is probably due to her depressing outlook)

Every once in a great while she will be pleasant.......even happy.....but it seems far and few between.

I do see her laugh and play with her friends, so I know there is some happiness there.........but when you talk to her, she always complains about something

She cries at the drop of a hat..........and pouts.........and pouts

 

So, is this typical behavior or is this the point where I say enough and take her to the dr. and see if something more is going on. I really want her to be happy........I really want to enjoy being around her.....I'm at the point I just don't like being around her and then I feel guilty for not wanting to be in her company........it stinks.

 

Whatcha think???

[Kelli in TN]

Get thee to the doctor. Have a complete physical and bloodwork done. Implement an exercise routine and look over her eating and sleeping habits. See if you can find a hobby or interest for her, or maybe for the two of you to share.

 

If you do not see a change then definitely don't wait long to seek some help. Sometimes you need a little counseling to work out negative feelings. Sometimes it's chemical and medication, often a small dose of a fairly mild medicine, can restore balance.

 

Life is precious, too precious to spend it in unhappiness.

[Rachel]

Thank you for your input. I will say a couple of things about her......she does have hobbies......she is in drama at school and she knits/crochets...........she also is a very healthy eater and gets plenty of sleep (first to bed, last to rise). She took a PE class at school all on her own just because she wanted more exercise......

 

But, I know that that isn't everything.

[Kelli in TN]

Don't be uncomfortable with seeking out help. It is no reflection on you as a parent if she is struggling with this. And for her it could become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Emotional health is no different really than physical health. Sometimes we just need some help.

[Sue G in PA]

I'm not downplaying her depression or suspected depression. Certainly look into that and seek help as Kelli said. Depression is NOT something to be played around with. I ask about thyroid b/c even teens and children can have a low-functioning thyroid. Those w/ hypothyroid are often depressed...for no apparent reason. BTDT! It might not be that...but can't hurt to have it checked along with the other bloodwork.

 

As to her moodines...my dd11 is like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Happy one second, sad the next. Helpful and cheerful one minute, screaming about how unfair and horrible her life is the next. Not fun to deal with. Some of this is normal. My dd hasn't gotten her monthly "friend" yet either, but hormones kick in way before that in some girls. Have you talked to her about this? If not, have a chat about how she's changing and her body is changing and how hormones can make us do and feel really "whacky" sometimes but that it's perfectly normal. Help her brainstorm ways to deal with those mood swings. So much of what you've described, describes my dd11...except that she is typically a happy and content child and not the other way around. Do take her to the dr. Praying for her...

[Plucky]

I agree with Kelli. Get her to a doctor and/or therapist. Then you will have a better idea where to go from here. It's hard, I know. (((Rachel)))

[Hannah]

After you've made sure that all is well physically, I'd like to recommend the book The Optimistic Child. It has some very useful exercises to teach a child to recognize and respond to negative thinking.

[mooooom]

but my dd is so like this when she doesn't get any sunshine (of course where we live it is often difficult). I brought her in to the ped because she was very lethargic, sleepy, moody and crying at the drop of a hat. He ordered blood work which all came back negative, and told me to make sure that she got at least 15 min of sun a day. It does help a lot. She does also have a very healthy diet and exercise every day. I think it is also hormonal - 13 is a rough age.

[Lady Katherine]

A good rule of thumb is this: When depression begins to interfere with your daily life, especially when it affects your interpersonal relationships, and you are depressed significantly more days than you are not depressed, it's time to seek medical help. This is especially important with teens, because they are developing patterns of behavior and coping mechanisms that will continue on into adulthood.

 

It sounds to me like your daughter has reached this point. If it were my family, I would take her to the doctor.

[MelissaM]

then take her to the doctor. Let her know that you think she is showing some strong symptoms of depression and that there is help. I so wish my mother had not assumed that my teenage depression was "just those little hormones". She still doesn't know that at 13 I tried to kill myself. I never told anyone until now either. Thank God, literally! that all that aspirin didn't severely damage anything and that I didn't know how hard it was to kill oneself with it.

 

Just hearing that there is help and it's not necessarily hormones can be a huge relief for her. It may help her to open up to you about what she's really feeling. Also, never, never, never, be afraid to ask her if she's suicidal.

[Storm Bay]

Yes, get her checked. Physically (such as thyroid) and whatever else. While it's quite normal for girls that age to be moody, it's not normal for them to be depressed. I was depressed in high school, but not to the point where I dressed dumpy and I still interacted with my friends. I did have to get help at 18, though. No medication, just needed someone to talk to who was a good ear and could help me. I had a tough childhood with verbal abuse (not that she got to all of that, that was worked out later). But she did help me out of that depression and on the road to liking myself again.

[Rachel]

This has been very helpful. I have talked to her about this before and she always states she isn't depressed.........and that is what hard for me.....to differentiate between depression and just being a negative person. But I think getting her checked out by the doctor and maybe talking to someone may help sort that out.

 

Thank you so much for sharing, and for some of you some very personal information, that reminds me to not take lightly the affect of hormones and that it isn't just a "teen thing".........in the end, it may be just that, but I don't want to just assume it and it is something more than that.

[Laura K (NC)]

He was weepy all the time. A hamster had died and three weeks later he was still unable to sleep, crying all the time, and petrified yet fascinated with death. One thing the doctor told me was that he was pretty much okay. I had been taking time to talk to him every day on the couch, just him and me, and we worked through the issue of death, which he had never considered before. This child is always sensitive and he might have to always keep checking himself for depression especially now that he's 13 and on through the teen years. It runs in our family.

 

I would definitely take a child to see a professional who persisted in a negative mood. Sure, some of it is hormones, but even if a doctor doesn't prescribe medicine he can give advice on how to pull out of a sour mood. For a girl, this might be a wake-up call that this kind of behavior is not normal, that there are options for getting out of it, and that getting out of it is an achievable goal. This will set good guidelines for her whole life. I really do think everybody has periods of depression and usually you can pull out of it on your own power. For those times you can't, you really need extra help of some kind. Those teen years are too short to waste in the fog of depression.

 

(Also check to see if she's lovesick. I hope your lines of communication are open enough to talk about this option.)

[PiCO]

If this was my child (and it was,) I would try personal intervention before seeking medical help.

 

I think for the most part, happiness is a choice. One can choose happiness, or one can choose to be sad and depressed. (Obviously, this is oversimplifying- I do believe chemical depression exists and sometimes outside help is necessary. That said...)

 

People can choose to see that glass half full or half empty. I had a talk with my dd at about 12, when she was going through an "I-hate-everything" stage. We talked about what kind of people she wants for friends (positive or negative, happy or sad, etc.) We talked about how you attract the kind of people who are like yourself- negative people attract negative friends, and it's a vicious cycle. When you start to grow up, you need to take responsibility for your own choices.

 

The above worked for my dd. If it hadn't worked, I would have taken her to a psychiatrist.

[cin]

This was me. I was depressed starting at about 6th grade. Until prozac came on the market. :D Now, at age 43, I am still on AD, an updated one, but still on it. I have a wonderful life, and I've tried to come off of them to no avail. My depression affected my high school life terribly. My grades stunk, I barely graduated, I had no friends, and life, in general, sucked. I would get her physically checked, and if nothing is found, then I would seriously consider anti depressants. I'm all for organic and herbals, but I'm also for quality of life. And honestly, I still shudder and almost cry when I think back to my High School years.

 

Hugs,