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Graduation party for one person where guests are asked to bring a dish to share


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Added after I've read the many posts. Perhaps I was thrown off more because we and this same family have attended several graduations within the same circle. They are all graduation ceremonies and parties because all of the students were homeschooled.

 

This was the first invitation that requested others to bring a dish. I think one of the families had friends help with the cleaning of the house and the food prep, but it was arranged outside of the invitation. All of the graduations involved many gifts as well.

 

In thinking about the situation more, I realize that it goes beyond the invitation for me. This whole thing involves people we no longer felowship with, and one of the things that irks me about the graduation is that they student did very little school. Many of these homeshoolers don't really do much schooling at all. They graduate because they reach a certain age. In this one family, their 12 year old could not even read because the mom didn't have time to teach her to read.

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General musing:

 

When did it become so difficult to host a party and provide the party food? Have people come to expect full meals at things like baby showers and Tupperware parties? What happened to cookies and punch and possibly a cake baked by the hostess for a shower? Personally I'd like to see things go back to cookies and punch. Then the pressure to provide so much food would be off.

I think it depends on what one means by "party" ;) My husband's family, it's cake and punch, generally people that only gather for showers and weddings, and people that aren't comfortable spending more than a couple of hours around each other.

 

Growing up in the military (and I have to say that I was VERY surprised to find some military on here thinking it was rude) and the granddaughter of people that really struggled through the depression, we like our parties, our time together, and even home-away-from-home bit. Everything is potluck....even Thanksgiving (though the hostess takes care of the Turkey). Every military "going away" or retirement party I've ever been to was a pot luck fiesta. Usually held outside and full of fun. No one had enough money to host an entire party. Bringing a dish is part of participating. When invited to a smaller get together, I've always asked what to bring and as hostess have always been asked what they could bring. In fact, I find it rude NOT to ask. You don't know that family's circumstances and if a person can make the load lighter so everyone can enjoy themselves...you just do it.

 

I have friends where we've gotten so used to getting together that neither of us shows up at the others house without food.

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Most every get-together includes real food-not just cake and ice cream. That is true of DH's family too. It may just be a difference in culture of the area. If you had just a cake and punch b-day, graduation, wedding....everyone would ask " why didn't you let me know you needed some help with the food" Potluck is normal for the whole area I grew up in. Heck we had 2 receptions for our wedding and one was pot luck. I guess I don't see the point in being offended. gee-I get half offended if someone doesn't want me to bring anything-don't they like my cooking? ;) If it is about your $$ gift contribution , give a $20 gift instead of $25 and bring some mac-n-cheese. I don't see dissing the honoree just because of this.

:lol: You crack me up, because I've been in situations where I've felt this way (I'm not the world's best cook...unless it's lasagna or deep fried chicken).

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Many of these homeshoolers don't really do much schooling at all. They graduate because they reach a certain age. In this one family, their 12 year old could not even read because the mom didn't have time to teach her to read.

 

I'll be Mrs. Obvious here -- that is plainly educational neglect, gross neglect.

 

Now if an acquaintance invited me to a party, especially someone I didn't like, I would be surprised to be asked to bring food. It wouldn't matter, though, because I would not go to the party. Not because of the invitation, but because I like parties at which I know practically everybody, and they are my friends. Situations in which I have to make small talk most of the time drive me crazy -- the entire time, I want out of there. The books I am currently reading call to me. Parties with friends are different -- I'm the life of the party, I feel comfortable, and I have Fun.

 

I don't hold my friends at arms-length. They are like family. If they are at my house, I feed them. If they invite themselves to dinner because they like my cooking, I invite them for the next time I plan to serve the meal they love. If they want me to bring food, I do so happily. I hold acquaintances to a different standard, but I feed them if they are at my house. I like feeding people.

Edited by RoughCollie
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i wouldn't ask my guest to do this, but if someone requested this of me, i'd do it without issue. it's just one covered dish. no biggie.

 

:iagree: I'd be happy to bring something, and would offer for sure. Graduation open houses have become big expensive events around here, and I'd be happy to see them return to something more simple.

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I wouldn't make an assumption like that. These are the exact words the mom spoke to me.

 

or it could be a gross assumption.

 

i think to post about other families in a manner that states a mom doesn't make time for her child is very unfair... unless she can read it and defend it.

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I was shocked when I moved from Montreal to Kansas and I was invited to a party and told to bring something. I assumed the hostess was rude (she was the friend of a friend) or was having financial difficulty. Then, I realized it was common practice for all get-togethers there, even weddings, showers and b-days. I am still uncomfortable with the practice for events, but have gained some comfort with them in cases like a playdate at my house for my parenting group, or a planned potluck at a park. The only time I have ever done something that can be construed as a potluck was DS7s last b-day party - it was held at a park on our homeschool day and I knew people who were not his friends but were there at the park would also want to partake so I worded the invitation with "we will be providing drinks, cake, and several main dishes (and I listed them). Feel free, but not obligated to bring a side dish to share."

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There's so many variables to this...

 

I do think it's rude to ask, on an invitation to a formal event for a single person (birthday party, shower, graduation, wedding), for the guests to bring food (or money to cover the cost!). People are expected to bring a gift for the person who's being honored, and shouldn't have to help throw the party as well.

 

But I don't think it's rude to call a few mutual friends and say "Hey, I want to throw a party for so-and-so, would you be able to help out with (whatever you need)?"

 

And I don't think it's rude in a situation where the party is for the mutual benefit of a group that the invitee is part of. For example, a "Hey, I'm hosting girls night this month, can you bring a bottle of wine?", or "We're having the homeschool group year-end party at the end of the month. Feel free to bring a dish to share."

 

Or for a casual get-together. "We're getting together to watch the baseball game/play cards/watch the squirrels in the backyard fight on Saturday! Bring your own booze and a snack to share if you'd like."

 

Or if I was throwing a party for my mother, I would have no problem asking my brothers to pitch in if they were able. If people called me before a party and asked to bring something, I wouldn't find it rude to say yes. If someone is hosting the annual extended-family holiday dinner or party, it's not weird to say "You bring a veggie, you bring the buns, and you being dessert."

 

But in the circumstance the OP mentioned, of a family throwing a graduation party for THEIR OWN child, I would be quite surprised to be asked *on the invitation* to bring food. I wouldn't be offended, and if the person graduating was someone I wanted to celebrate, I'd go and bring the requested food...it's no big deal! But I'd never put that on an invitation myself. I would happily throw a cupcake-and-punch only party if budget were an issue, and have done so before.

 

That was long...

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It's perceived as quite tacky, so I personally do not host parties and ask my guests to bring food. (Though if they offer I am grateful for the help.)

 

However, I am personally all for it. Parties are expensive, and the focus is the celebration and the love/friendship. I say participate without judging, contribute the food joyfully, and celebrate.

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No. I don't find that tacky. However, I do find it tacky to be asked..."Would you like to come to dinner on Sunday?" Accept, hang up... and then get a phone call later asking, "by the way, what are you bringing for dinner." :confused: This was when we were just a couple... going to another couple's house.

 

Family parties are almost always pot-luck. If it's just one child... the food is usually provided by the family.

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General musing:

 

When did it become so difficult to host a party and provide the party food? Have people come to expect full meals at things like baby showers and Tupperware parties? What happened to cookies and punch and possibly a cake baked by the hostess for a shower? Personally I'd like to see things go back to cookies and punch. Then the pressure to provide so much food would be off.

 

Yes, for children's birthday parties anyhow, it's snowballed into something very expensive and burdensome for some families. Even for those with money to pull it off, it's ridiculous IMO to spend $10 - $20 per guest on party favors that will likely end up in the trash w/in a month.

 

When I was little, IF there was food other than cake, ice cream and punch at a kid's birthday party, it was PB&J's or other finger sandwiches. I prefer 1 or 2 nice or useful things as favors to a fancy bag of junk and junk candy.

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Hubby comes from a church family where every gathering is a potluck: Tgiving, Christmas, birthdays, etc. If this was SOP (standard operating proceedure) for this social circle, I'd go and have fun. Personally, I like potlucks much more than the trend here: platters of stuff from Costco. Everything is fine, but it is always the same. A potluck will have some homecooking.

 

If you don't like potlucks, don't go. Or come late and miss the eating. I've been to one graduation party, and the food was Costco, but gifts were expected. I'd rather have a potluck than expensive gifts. But then...when I was poor and got married, we did a potluck wedding (I specified no presents but "a dish if you'd like"). It was a blast.

 

I think it's different if it's a church. There is no reasonable expectation of a host in that situation. But if it's a celebration for an individual, hosted by someone, then technically the host should provide what is needed for the party. Others can and should offer to contribute, but the host should not ask. That is the part that is rude. But, again, increasingly common.

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I think it's different if it's a church. There is no reasonable expectation of a host in that situation. But if it's a celebration for an individual, hosted by someone, then technically the host should provide what is needed for the party.

 

Church family is not a church. I mean a family whose life revolves around church and people they know from church. No outside friends. Every gathering is large, extended, and a potluck.

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There's so many variables to this...

 

I do think it's rude to ask, on an invitation to a formal event for a single person (birthday party, shower, graduation, wedding), for the guests to bring food (or money to cover the cost!). People are expected to bring a gift for the person who's being honored, and shouldn't have to help throw the party as well.

 

But I don't think it's rude to call a few mutual friends and say "Hey, I want to throw a party for so-and-so, would you be able to help out with (whatever you need)?"

 

And I don't think it's rude in a situation where the party is for the mutual benefit of a group that the invitee is part of. For example, a "Hey, I'm hosting girls night this month, can you bring a bottle of wine?", or "We're having the homeschool group year-end party at the end of the month. Feel free to bring a dish to share."

 

Or for a casual get-together. "We're getting together to watch the baseball game/play cards/watch the squirrels in the backyard fight on Saturday! Bring your own booze and a snack to share if you'd like."

 

Or if I was throwing a party for my mother, I would have no problem asking my brothers to pitch in if they were able. If people called me before a party and asked to bring something, I wouldn't find it rude to say yes. If someone is hosting the annual extended-family holiday dinner or party, it's not weird to say "You bring a veggie, you bring the buns, and you being dessert."

 

But in the circumstance the OP mentioned, of a family throwing a graduation party for THEIR OWN child, I would be quite surprised to be asked *on the invitation* to bring food. I wouldn't be offended, and if the person graduating was someone I wanted to celebrate, I'd go and bring the requested food...it's no big deal! But I'd never put that on an invitation myself. I would happily throw a cupcake-and-punch only party if budget were an issue, and have done so before.

 

That was long...

 

I totally agree with all of this. That's why I qualified my original post pretty carefully.

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Maybe it is a "South" thing, because we do that all the time. If my family is invited to a friend's home for dinner, we always take something. It is almost "expected" around here. And it works just fine for us. Sometimes, what I take to dinner, is the only thing my kids will eat. It is better than being rude to the host and telling her that my kids are sitting with empty plates because they don't like what she cooked. I have them get a lot of what I made and just a bit of the other things and eat it all. :)

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Here one wouldn't think twice about it. Matter of fact, I just got an invite for a small informal wedding that said they were doing potluck. Meats were provided, and they asked to bring a dish. I will go and will bring a dish. Here in the south, at least where I am from, it is pretty much the norm, especially for those that aren't rolling in money.

 

Ah...lol...like I just posted (before reading other replies)...a South thing. :D

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I am frankly shocked at how many of you find this practice rude and tacky!

 

THANK you. I throw pot-lucks all the time. I have access to a great building to throw a party in, but I don't want to go broke.

 

I don't think any of my friends are offended by requests for a covered dish. I guess they wouldn't be friendly with me for long if they thought I was rude and tacky. ;)

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I think it's different if it's a church. There is no reasonable expectation of a host in that situation. But if it's a celebration for an individual, hosted by someone, then technically the host should provide what is needed for the party. Others can and should offer to contribute, but the host should not ask. That is the part that is rude. But, again, increasingly common.

 

:iagree:

 

A friend called just the other day to invite us to a "Welcome Home Party" for her son who is going to be home on leave.

 

They've invited TONS of people to their TINY home...and, "oh, by the way, bring something to share." :001_huh:

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I think the best way to ask is "bring something to share if you can" and let the guest decide if she has the time and energy to do that. Some people are barely able to get to an event in one piece, much less cook something delicious to share. They'd be likely to decline if they felt pressured, and then the hostess would lose a potential valuable guest.

 

I can think of two events that I haven't attended this year because the hostess requested an item and I wasn't able to bring one. They were fun events, but I was too busy in one case and had a migraine in the other case. I would have been so grateful if the hostess had said, "Bring something if you can, but if not we'd still love to have you," and I would gladly have done something later to show my appreciation. But that option wasn't offered.

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I think it is a lovely idea. A way to have fun w/o breaking the bank. If you know someone well enough to want to celebrate their child's graduation, then you should love them enough to be happy to cook for them.

 

(But, no, I wouldn't state that on an invite myself. But, then again, $$ is not a huge limiting factor in my life. . . and I like to cook for people.)

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Oh, and if time or energy is a big limiting factor, then I always feel comfy bringing something purchased. Great hummous & pita from my fave restaurant one time for a party for a friend who just won an election (as judge). . . I often encourage friends to bring (bakery bought) bread &/or wine if I know they have a tight schedule on a day of a gathering. . . You don't have to be fancy -- if it was a fancy thing, they wouldn't have made it a pot luck! So, do what you can. Fancy or simple, it's the thought that counts.

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We have a pool party/BBQ every year where we provide the drinks, hot dogs/hamburgers and rolls and ask that guests bring a dish to share (invitations via evite). Most do but some don't and it's no big deal. We are not greeting people at the door with "what did you bring?". In recent years we do celebrate my younger kids birthdays there with cake and some people bring presents but not the majority. Again, not a big deal. For the most part, this party has been the same core group of people for the past 7 years with a few newer friends so they know the (lack of) expectations.

 

Potluck seems fairly common here for casual get-togethers even when they are a celebration - graduations are usually BBQ's, showers or birthdays. I've never seen a potluck wedding reception but if I were close to the person, it wouldn't bother me at all.

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Graduations are often family/extended family functions with friends invited also. If that is what this is and the invitation to bring a dish is just to family, then great. If it is all friends and acquaintances, then a little strange.

 

I find that most people who are good at cooking want to do all the cooking themselves. Some people that aren't good cooks go for pot-lucks. Some people who don't have the time or money go for pot lucks. Some families/culture also go for pot lucks. I wouldn't judge too much. It is easy to bring a dish.

:iagree:

I even went to a pot luck wedding one time. The couple was really cool and the wedding had more of a family atmosphere...

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There's so many variables to this...

 

I do think it's rude to ask, on an invitation to a formal event for a single person (birthday party, shower, graduation, wedding), for the guests to bring food (or money to cover the cost!). People are expected to bring a gift for the person who's being honored, and shouldn't have to help throw the party as well.

 

But I don't think it's rude to call a few mutual friends and say "Hey, I want to throw a party for so-and-so, would you be able to help out with (whatever you need)?"

 

And I don't think it's rude in a situation where the party is for the mutual benefit of a group that the invitee is part of. For example, a "Hey, I'm hosting girls night this month, can you bring a bottle of wine?", or "We're having the homeschool group year-end party at the end of the month. Feel free to bring a dish to share."

 

Or for a casual get-together. "We're getting together to watch the baseball game/play cards/watch the squirrels in the backyard fight on Saturday! Bring your own booze and a snack to share if you'd like."

 

Or if I was throwing a party for my mother, I would have no problem asking my brothers to pitch in if they were able. If people called me before a party and asked to bring something, I wouldn't find it rude to say yes. If someone is hosting the annual extended-family holiday dinner or party, it's not weird to say "You bring a veggie, you bring the buns, and you being dessert."

 

But in the circumstance the OP mentioned, of a family throwing a graduation party for THEIR OWN child, I would be quite surprised to be asked *on the invitation* to bring food. I wouldn't be offended, and if the person graduating was someone I wanted to celebrate, I'd go and bring the requested food...it's no big deal! But I'd never put that on an invitation myself. I would happily throw a cupcake-and-punch only party if budget were an issue, and have done so before.

 

That was long...

 

:iagree::iagree: There are many times when potluck is appropriate, but this doesn't really seem to be one, in my mind. However, it is becoming more and more common. I don't ask people to bring food when I am hosting. If they offer, I might accept, but otherwise I wouldn't host if I can't feed my guests adequately.

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I grew up and have spent much of my adult life in Minnesota, and I would never have thought of a potluck as rude. Of course, we're mostly Scandinavian here, and I think it's definitely a cultural thing. We love to feed people. Even at other people's parties. Honestly, what would be rude here would be to have a party and only serve punch and cake.

 

I would never dream of asking for money to cover the cost of the party, though. That's a whole separate thing from food.

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THANK you. I throw pot-lucks all the time. I have access to a great building to throw a party in, but I don't want to go broke.

 

I don't think any of my friends are offended by requests for a covered dish. I guess they wouldn't be friendly with me for long if they thought I was rude and tacky. ;)

 

I completely agree.

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You know, I've read so many pot-luck threads here, and I have to admit this is the first time I fully realized what a regional thing it is.

 

Pot-luck for a graduation around here is most normal, but then again, I don't know if I've ever attended a graduation celebration that was under 75 people and didn't last for several hours to the better part of an afternoon and evening.

 

Now, if you had to bring a dish AND pay a fee (say, $20 for a Christmas dinner sort of thing :001_huh: - don't ask, I think it's in the archives here somewhere), then I'd be more than a little ticked.

 

Possibly your host/hostess is a transplant from the north. She means well. Bring the best dish you can make and share it with the masses.

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Some people are barely able to get to an event in one piece, much less cook something delicious to share.

 

our potlucks have no expectations. if you want to do up a fancy dish of something, go for it ~ if not, bring a box of ritz and a jar of cheese whiz or a 2-4. it's all good. :thumbup1:

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for a graduation -- definitely tacky. Potlucks in general are totally fine, love them! If you are hosting a holiday get together or a brunch or any other group event, that's fine. But not for a birthday or graduation or housewarming or bridal shower or other gift expected type party.

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Its really normal to do bring and share parties round here. We go to several a year. They are mostly just general get togethers rather than specific celebrations, but I wouldn't think of it as being wierd or tacky if its was for a birthday or a family celebration.

 

Lots of bring and share bbqs too, where the host provides charcoal and bread rolls and some drinks and then every one brings whatever they want cooked plus salads/puddings to share.

 

I think I would still take food to a party even if I wasn't asked though, maybe a sweet or treat or juice. I did a fully catered party for my son though because there were so many people coming and I am a feeder, I love cooking, but friends still bought extras and we had a huge feast. Some people travelled a long way so they need a decent meal not just cake.

 

Its just nice to think that your family is part of a larger community and that your celebration is their celebration that they actually care about. It also helps solve the problem of people on unusual diets, kids with allergies, children who are really faddy with food etc.. you know that they'll all have something to eat. Though i try to accommodate them in whatever I make it gets hard when their needs conflict.

 

We don't do expensive gifts round here at all though, ever really. I remember a few years ago some friends of friends invited everyone they knew even distantly to their wedding and asked on the invite for presents of money from all the guests - the wording was quite rude. They weren't providing a reception I don't think so that felt really awkward too as we barely knew them and it felt like they were just inviting people for the gifts. But maybe that was normal for their community.

Edited by lailasmum
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It probably stems from the fact that in EVERY party I've been to (and most people I know in real life -- even the graduation parties within the circle I'm referring to) that is thrown in honor of one person (graduation, birthday, wedding -- showers are often thrown by a group of friends around here),

 

the guests were not asked to bring food.

 

I've been to lots of potlucks before, but never on an occasion such as that. When something veers from the norm, it usually causes a person to wonder. And yes, the family is from the same area we are, and I can guarantee you that it is not a regional thing around here.

 

Add to it, the fact that very little schooling was done, it's hard to get excited about "graduation." It seems like a "you've reached the age of graduation, so let's have a party, you'll get gifts, and none of it will have to cost us much" sort of thing.

 

If we couldn't have afforded food for our son's graduation party, we would have just served cake, punch and coffee. I might have asked for help from close friends or family if we couldn't afford to feed everyone.

 

 

:iagree: That's how we roll around here. Quite common to do a potluck for any occasion. I don't get how some folks see the invite as rude?

 

BUT -- I see that it is quite the norm. Thanks for all of the replies. I've learned a lot here.

Edited by nestof3
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Dawn, I'm glad you started this thread, because when I first saw it, my immediate reaction was that it was tacky and in incredibly poor taste to ask people to bring food to a graduation party. Or any party. Where I'm from, it's Simply Not Done. Ever. If you have a party, you provide the food, the entertainment, and quite possibly, the valet parking service as well. If you ask people to bring some food, they'll be worried sick that you've either gone crazy, gone completely broke, or both. And then they'd probably gossip about you for years to come... ;)

 

After reading the responses, I see that, depending upon where you live, the customs can be very different! It's so easy to pre-judge people based on our own personal experiences, but things start to look a bit different when we hear how people in other places do things.

 

Cat

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I think this thread shows that every culture and socio-economic construct exists on this board. From those of us that have a potluck just to celebrate any reason (and grads don't have to have gifts...we are simply celebrating) to those that have private valet parking existing in their world (sorry, that one floored me).

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Completely normal here...and more so with the economy :001_smile: If someone has put the hard work into graduating, and the family can not afford a party, I see no prpblem with it :001_smile:

 

Truthfully, when we moved from the south...this bothered me a bit. Eventually, we just had so much fun...and I was so proud of the graduates!!!

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I grew up and have spent much of my adult life in Minnesota, and I would never have thought of a potluck as rude. Of course, we're mostly Scandinavian here, and I think it's definitely a cultural thing. We love to feed people. Even at other people's parties. Honestly, what would be rude here would be to have a party and only serve punch and cake.
]

 

I'm from MN too, and I would consider it rude for a larger party like a graduation or wedding unless you were having just a very small function with just super close family and friends. For small family and/or friend get togethers, it's the norm! If people don't ask me to bring something, I ask about it. I love making one over the top dish or dessert to bring to gatherings. :001_smile:

 

But for occasions where gifts are expected and large crowds are the norm, no.

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Wouldn't phase me.

 

OTOH, we don't normally do gifts for graduations just because we were invited to a graduation party. The party is just that -- a party. Everyone brings something to enable the party to happen. If you happen to be particularly close to the graduate and want to, you do a gift. Otherwise, a card is fine. (Even homemade as cards have gotten more expensive). It's the celebration and good wishes that are wanted.

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I'm happy to bring food to a party; it's the norm around here.

 

We do lots of parties and dinners here at our house. I usually do all the cooking and that really surprises people. But I enjoy the planning and cooking.

 

My favorite party that I've hosted, however, was a potluck. We did a Friends-Not-Family-Thanksgiving-Leftovers-Potluck-Buffet last year. It was so much fun! I made turkey-noodle soup, and people brought turkey,pies, stuffing, rolls, gravy, etc that was left-over from their meals the day before. We had football on the tube, tons of food, and the house was packed with people. It was very casual, very little work for me, and lots of fun.

 

We'll be doing that again this year. I figure the folks who don't enjoy potlucks just won't come. ;)

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