WWYD - Kids in a bad situation

[k2bdeutmeyer]

yep...I try not to rock the boat any more than I have to. Right now I have 85% control over the majority of her life, and I'd prefer to keep it that way. His parenting choices and lifestyle choices are NOT what I want for my daughter.

[In2why]

You report it to CPS.

 

Your daughter came to you, the adult who can help, and you should take her concerns seriously and not put her in the position of having to worry about making her father mad, or getting other family members in trouble.

 

Next if it isn't really a health or safetly issue, that is up to CPS to decide. Our responsibility is to report suspicions, not worry about the outcome. Most people do not report, because they aren't positive, but unless you are able to investigate like CPS can, there isn't any way to invesitgate.

 

If your EX gets mad, that is a pain to deal with, but the most important thing is keeping your child safe. Since you have already talked to him about it, and he hasn't changed the situation with your daughter spending time there, I can't think of anything else you can do.

[Gwenhwyfar]

It's not about "polite". It's that from a practical boundary perspective, time with the co-parent is independent. They parent, not "watch" or "caregive". Co-parents, by definition, have parted company. Losing specific knowledge of your kids' hours and comings and goings is part of that reality.

 

I don't think it could be any different and have any hope of healthy.

 

of course it depends on whether a court specific visitation set up is in place - sometimes visitations are stated to happen at X location and only at X location...or trips/overnights/whatever have to be agreed upon ahead of time...or specific places are not permitted... blah blah blah....

 

(my family is full of divorced/split folks so i've seen all sorts of variations on this)

 

personally, if i was in the situation and there was nothing specifically set by the courts, i'd appreciate a "hey we're spending the weekend at J's cottage - here's the number if you need it" type thing from the other parent...i don't think that's an outrageous expectation, just consideration that both parents can give each other. :)

[Joanne]

of course it depends on whether a court specific visitation set up is in place - sometimes visitations are stated to happen at X location and only at X location...or trips/overnights/whatever have to be agreed upon ahead of time...or specific places are not permitted... blah blah blah....

 

This kind of specific exclusion are fairly rare. It typically takes a lot for a court to impose it, but divorcing parents can agree and present things to the court and have it included.

 

personally, if i was in the situation and there was nothing specifically set by the courts, i'd appreciate a "hey we're spending the weekend at J's cottage - here's the number if you need it" type thing from the other parent...i don't think that's an outrageous expectation, just consideration that both parents can give each other. :)

 

 

I so very strongly disagree. If the non custodial parent is expected to report there time and activities, so does the custodial parent. It would be a nightmare.

Edited October 14, 2010 by Joanne

[Harriet Vane]

From what I am getting from the OP's posts - the family allows their dogs to poop in the house, and they do not clean it up each time, or even each day, even when they have visitors. If their child pees on the couch, they do not clean it up immediately, even when they have visitors. It sounds like the rabbit does not have a cage/hutch, and so it is allowed to poop anywhere, and they do not clean it up each time, or once a day, even when they have visitors.

 

I've known families with sick or elderly animals, or new puppies, who take care of them the best they can; sometimes this results in pee and poop where it doesn't normally belong. However, the families I know clean it up, usually as soon as it happens, or at the very least once a day, *especially* when they have visitors.

 

It sounds like the family in question does *not* have a good plan for dealing with the rabbit's waste, does *not* clean up messes in the living area when they happen, does *not* try to separate their children's living area from places where animals poop, and does *not* even clean up when they are having visitors.

 

I cannot understand how that can be in any way acceptable practice.

That is not a safe environment for the children (or the adults, or the animals).

 

But what about the possibly unreliable child? Well, as a previous poster said, if even part of this is true, then it is unacceptable.

 

The OP has choices. She can explore the situation with her ex, or with his wife, both of whom have seen the situation first-hand and can verify or refute what the dd is reporting. In doing so, she can express concern both for her own child (but this of course could spark conflict), or, more importantly in the big picture and less likely to spark conflict, she can express concern for the kids who live there on a daily basis. She can report the family to animal welfare (because the environment is not appropriate for animals to live there). She can report the family to CPS, because the environment is not safe for children.

 

How this all plays out is for the OP to carefully decide as she works through the choices. But if the dd is accurately reporting the conditions in the home, then it seems clear to me that it rises to the level of unsafe and unsanitary living conditions, which would fall squarely into the abuse/neglect category.

 

This is a great assessment of the situation. I heartily agree.

[Sun]

I'd lean toward reporting it. It's not the OP's job to investigate and see if she thinks there's anything wrong. That's CPS's job, and based on what the daughter said, I'd be concerned enough for the kids living there that I'd file a report.

 

It's not like the daughter just said it was stinky and the dog pooped on the floor once. She said that the dogs usually go on the floor and that these "accidents" aren't cleaned up - that's way beyond normal accidents in pet households. I have a cat and I've occasionally found a stray piece of poop on the floor somewhere when it gets stuck to the cat and it tries to wipe it off. That happens. But when it happens, responsible pet owners clean it up immediately after finding it. What the OP's daughter describes is totally different and, IMO, very worth of reporting.

[Gwenhwyfar]

This kind of specific exclusion are fairly rare. It typically takes a lot for a court to impose it, but divorcing parents can agree and present things to the court and have it included.

 

i've seen it a fair bit ~ of course we live in two different countries, so that can make a big difference. :)

 

 

I so very strongly disagree. If the non custodial parent is expected to report there time and activities, so does the custodial parent. It would be a nightmare.

 

why's it such a deal? i've seen lots of custodial parents do it as well "hey, we're going skiing this weekend so if you want to talk to *child* call our room *info here* cuz it's long distance on the cells" .... no big.

 

it's helpful for communication ~ and it's also good to have the information in the event of an emergency too.

[akmommy]

Not having seen the situation myself I think I would start with animal control. If the officer who responds believes the situation is unhealthy for both kids and pets alike then I would think they would have to report it. This would also send a message to uncle and aunt that someone is concerned about the situation and they may clean up their act to prevent further investigations.

[unsinkable]

i've seen it a fair bit ~ of course we live in two different countries, so that can make a big difference. :)

 

 

 

 

why's it such a deal? i've seen lots of custodial parents do it as well "hey, we're going skiing this weekend so if you want to talk to *child* call our room *info here* cuz it's long distance on the cells" .... no big.

 

it's helpful for communication ~ and it's also good to have the information in the event of an emergency too.

 

:iagree:

 

Because I have a child with a disease who can have a health emergency at any time, I agree.

 

MMV, of course, and obviously, it does in this case.

[Joanne]

:iagree:

 

Because I have a child with a disease who can have a health emergency at any time, I agree.

 

MMV, of course, and obviously, it does in this case.

 

I always have access to my kids through their cell phones or his. My xh has the same.

[Joanne]

i've seen it a fair bit ~ of course we live in two different countries, so that can make a big difference. :)

 

 

 

 

why's it such a deal? i've seen lots of custodial parents do it as well "hey, we're going skiing this weekend so if you want to talk to *child* call our room *info here* cuz it's long distance on the cells" .... no big.

 

it's helpful for communication ~ and it's also good to have the information in the event of an emergency too.

 

It's a big deal because divorcing/divorced parents can't have say on the parenting time and activities when the children are in possession (the US family law legal term) of the other parent.

 

I'll grant that there are amiable or at least cordial situations in which such communication can occur. It is not inherently bad, but expecting it carries issues that can't be applied across the board.

 

Family law in the states tends not to impose "you can't go here" or "you must report weekend activity" but will stamp the decree if both parties and their attorneys have drafted such specifics.

[justamouse]

Did you decide to call?

 

 

Having raised a 4 yo to 19 yo with a man I separated from (we were never married) Joanne is very, very right. I hated his parenting choices-hated with a capital H, but thems the bricks. But to be held accountable to HIM because I wanted him to be accountable to me? Hell no. If my son needed me when he was with his dad, he got a hold of me. But the truth was that Dad, as much as I didn't like the way he parented, loved his son and never let him be harmed.

 

I don't think the 19 yo would parent like his father, but he loves his Dad and they are working out their relationship.

Edited October 14, 2010 by justamouse

[katilac]

if i was in the situation and there was nothing specifically set by the courts, i'd appreciate a "hey we're spending the weekend at J's cottage - here's the number if you need it" type thing from the other parent...i don't think that's an outrageous expectation, just consideration that both parents can give each other. :)

 

Sure, and she still would not have the street address in this scenario. She already has a phone number where she can reach dd when she is with dad (the cell phone).

 

For those of you saying NOT to contact CPS based on heresay...what if your daughter told you her friend confided that some guy was molesting her...would you not report it? It isn't fair for these children to live in these conditions. You should take the words of your child seriously with these type of accusations. Yes, she may be dramatic, but if 10% of the pooh is there that she says, that is still too much.

 

Not an apt comparison; these are completely different situations.

 

The difference is not just in child molesting versus dog poop, but in an occasional observer versus a person in the situation confiding that something is wrong and/or troubling them. Observing that no one promptly cleans up when the baby pees on the couch is not equal to observing or being told that the baby has running sores b/c he constantly sits in pee. Likewise, observing that your friend's dad does things that you consider weird (like the recent thread re kissing kids on the mouth) is worlds away from your friend saying "my dad molests me."

 

And yes, I also consider the situations to be quite different in likely levels of harm. I have seen dozens of parents doing things that I consider to be bad and/or potentially harmful, but few of them rise to the level of reporting to child welfare. Foul though it may be, the children are actually at little risk of developing any serious illness from dog or rabbit feces. I don't report to CPS based on "their house is stinky and gross from animal poop, and there's a chance the kids could get sick from it."

 

The fact is, it's not a bit likely that a child is going to get a dangerous illness from this situation, and there's no information to show that they have any chronic or recurring illnesses from it. If they were living covered in ringworms and mites and had infected scratches or sores, that's different. Right now, the reason for reporting is pretty much "that's disgusting, and kids shouldn't have to live that way." That's not enough for me. Kids live and even thrive in all manner of situations that I would never consider for my own kids, but these aren't my kids.

 

If I want a lot of leeway in raising my kids the way I see fit, then I have to extend that leeway to others. Many people think living in a house that reeks of animal poop is freakish and potentially harmful. Many other people thingk that keeping your kids home for school is freakish and potentially harmful. It's been a long hard fight getting to the point where home schooling is legal in all 50 states, and it's an ongoing fight to keep it so. There are many, many people who think that "children shouldn't have to live that way" and I definitely oppose parents having to constantly defend their decisions unless there is clear cause to believe that the child is in potential danger.

Edited October 14, 2010 by katilac

[ondreeuh]

So, DD10yr was talking to me today about some of her dad's friends and family. She had once sent me a text from her uncle's house saying that there was poop everywhere in the house. She tends to be a bit dramatic and over the top, so I kind of brushed it off and told her to try to go outside or somewhere else.

 

Fast forward to today. She was once again, talking about the same uncle's house. I asked her a few more probing questions. This is the story I got:

 

Apparently, they have 2 dogs (a big one and a small one) and the dogs (espcially the little one) are not let out to "do their business". They also have a rabbit who runs free throughout the house a lot of the time. It also uses the floor as a "litter box". DD says the house smells awful and that there is poop all over the floor.

 

Not only am I throughly disgusted that my ex would take my daughter there - I don't care if it is his brother, but these people have 3 kids (7yr, 3yr, and 1yr - maybe less than 1yr, DD isn't sure). DD says the baby's room has dog poop in every corner, and that the 7yr old's room is the worst (the rabbit lives in his room) other than the "dog's room". The "dog's room" is apparently a room that they have dedicated to the dogs and where both dogs poop. The littler dog is still a puppy, but DD says they never let her out and when she goes on the floor nobody cleans it up.

 

DD also said that the 3yr old sleeps on the couch and frequently wets the "bed". When DD's step mom commented on a stain on the couch, the mom said "oh, yeah, I just forgot to clean it up".

 

So......keeping in mind that DD has a history of being a little dramatic, and that I've seen NONE of this first hand, WWYD? DD's step mom is a nurse, and therefore a mandatory reporter (right?). My ex would flip if I brought this up to him.....and if I were to report them, he would immediately know it was me (because I had talked to him about it previously). He comes from the school of "you don't snitch on your friends and family". DD has also asked me not to tell her dad about it, because "I don't really think I'm supposed to tell you".

 

Help please! I'm just sick thinking about those kids in that environment.

 

I am almost positive that there is a LOT more going on than just dog poop. Normal people who are in control of their lives and take good care of their kids do not let their animals crap on the floor and leave it there! I am almost positive there are drug issues there. There just has to be a LOT of pathology going on for someone to think that is OK. At the very least, the children are exposed to high levels of bacteria. If the baby is allowed on that floor, that is criminal. If it's kept in the crib, that's just as bad! I would be almost anything that the poop is just the start.

[justasque]

I am almost positive that there is a LOT more going on than just dog poop. Normal people who are in control of their lives and take good care of their kids do not let their animals crap on the floor and leave it there!

 

This is my concern too. This is not, for me, analogous to homeschooling. A homeschooling parent can articulate reasons why either 1) they don't want their kid in school, or 2) they *do* want their kid at home. Whether you agree or disagree with the reasons, whether they are well-founded or not, you can tell they generally come from a love of and concern for the child.

 

However, I cannot grasp how someone could explain how allowing animals to poop and pee in the children's living space on a daily basis, and not cleaning it up, is somehow beneficial to the child. *Having* pets, yes. Not cleaning up their waste, no. This is not just a lifestyle choice.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

I am almost positive that there is a LOT more going on than just dog poop. Normal people who are in control of their lives and take good care of their kids do not let their animals crap on the floor and leave it there! I am almost positive there are drug issues there. There just has to be a LOT of pathology going on for someone to think that is OK. At the very least, the children are exposed to high levels of bacteria. If the baby is allowed on that floor, that is criminal. If it's kept in the crib, that's just as bad! I would be almost anything that the poop is just the start.

 

Knowing the history of this family I tend to agree, but I can't prove anything.

 

FWIW - Ex's brother (the homeowner in this case) lives just a few houses down from my ex. They just walk down there to hang out. I wouldn't expect to be told everytime they went to a neighbor's house to grill out, so I wouldn't expect to be told everytime they go to his brother's house either. Now, if they were spending a weekend away/out of town, I would expect to know about that.

[Renee in NC]

I am almost positive that there is a LOT more going on than just dog poop. Normal people who are in control of their lives and take good care of their kids do not let their animals crap on the floor and leave it there! I am almost positive there are drug issues there. There just has to be a LOT of pathology going on for someone to think that is OK. At the very least, the children are exposed to high levels of bacteria. If the baby is allowed on that floor, that is criminal. If it's kept in the crib, that's just as bad! I would be almost anything that the poop is just the start.

 

Actually, I had a friend in high school whose house was just as the OP described. His mother's dogs (she had 2 or 3 little dogs) were allowed to do their business wherever they wanted to. No one cleaned it up! I really don't think there were other issues there - none that I ever noticed anyway. His mom just didn't clean up after her dogs regularly and the two teen boys wouldn't do it!

 

Not that I would want to live there or want my young children hanging out over there!:tongue_smilie:

[duckens]

Be prepared to not be believed by CPS. BTDT.

A friend of mine and her adult daughter had each, in turn, been molested by the friend's uncle at a certain age. Now the "alleged molester" had a granddaughter and grandson that were going to be dumped at his house for the summer. (Their mom, who now lived out of state, had a new bf).

 

The friend wouldn't call because, "You don't call on family," ....and her family had given her a lot of flack and didn't believe her when it happened to her or her daughter.

 

I called CPS with the information I had, and I was not believed. CPS refused to take my information, let alone investigate. This experience made me wary of calling CPS at all. Even when I babysat for a boy who was in a situation of neglect and bad choices from his mom: a broken leg, falling out of a window, repeated bite marks from her friend's son again and again and again. I thought I wouldn't be believed again.

 

Be better than me for the sake of the children. Have a Plan B.

 

--Consider calling Animal Control/Humane Society if CPS doesn't listen to you. Ask if the situation is referred to CPS if feces if found to be of an unacceptable level in the home (as your daughter had reported).

 

--Consider local law enforcement...but if it's a small town (like the situation I called), everyone may know everyone, and no one will believe you.

 

--Consider using a state hotline rather than the local county one. Again, if this is a "smalltown...everyone knows everyone"...you may need a report from a STATE agency to rattle the cage.

 

--I hate to suggest this, but if no changes are made, and your daughter is sent against her will to visit this house again, send her with a small, pocket-sized camera to document the filth of the house. This will eliminate the "but this is coming from a 13yo" argument. Give her a tool to make her voice be heard IF she wants to.

 

Either there will be several pictures of poop in the corners within a 1-hour time range (documented by the camera), or there will not be. Warn her to give the explanation that she is taking pictures of her cousins. (A hundred pics of cousins throughout the house...and a few of the feces within a select time period).

 

Then re-telephone CPS IF you deem it necessary.

 

Yes, I know this will not be a popular suggestion to put a 13yo in this situation, but it should be preferable to sending her to a house IF the feces is as she says it is...and give her no voice. Hopefully CPS will do their job.

[Nakia]

I want to ask something, and I truly do not intend to sound snarky or insulting. Maybe you, Kristin, or Renee or Joanne can answer for me. If your ex is taking your daughter to an unsafe home, why is there no way to stop him? I really do understand that when he has her in his home for visitation, he is in charge of her care. I was a child of divorced parents, so I do get that. But, if she is spending time in those conditions, why can't you stop him from taking him there? What if the shoe were on the other foot? Would he stop you from taking her to this kind of home?

 

I really don't understand why you can't talk to him about it and tell him he cannot take her into those conditions at all. I know it must be a slippery slope to try to not make him angry, but your daughter's safety outweighs his emotions. And it truly sounds like she is spending time in an unsafe and filthy home.

:grouphug: I know this must be very hard. I know you love your dd and want what's best for her. I hope you understand that I am truly trying to understand.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

I totally get what you're saying Nakia. No snarkiness taken :)

 

You probably said it best. It IS a slippery slope with him. He's irrational, immature, has anger issues, and most of the time it's best to keep the peace. In this case, I asked DD how often she goes there. She said probably once every time she goes to her dad's. She also stated that she spends most of the time outside playing instead of inside. At 10yr old I trust her judgement to some extent. At this point, she's still able to avoid the filth. It's not worth a fight with her dad, yet. As the weather gets colder and it becomes a situation that she cannot avoid, I will probably be forced to bring it up.

[Pamela H in Texas]

If your ex is taking your daughter to an unsafe home, why is there no way to stop him? I really do understand that when he has her in his home for visitation, he is in charge of her care. I was a child of divorced parents, so I do get that. But, if she is spending time in those conditions, why can't you stop him from taking him there?

 

There is no evidence that the home is "unsafe" to the degree that a 13yo's visitation would be altered significantly by a judge if a judge were involved. And to do so whether there is a judge involved or not is not in the child's best interest except when the situation is extreme enough that a judge would do something. No judge in his right mind would say that a 13yo could not visit a filthy home for a couple hours on a Saturday afternoon. A 13yo is plenty capable enough to do things in order to protect herself from the filth.

 

If they were doing some sort of drugs in front of her, being sexually inappropriate, refused to give her food for an extended period of time, etc, it'd be different; but people visit filthy homes. I've been amazed at how filthy A LOT of people live. I think it's much more normal than most people realize. Seriously, the needs of a child to have a relationship with their parent WAY trumps a couple hours per month visiting a neighbor with a nasty home.

[Nakia]

I totally get what you're saying Nakia. No snarkiness taken :)

 

You probably said it best. It IS a slippery slope with him. He's irrational, immature, has anger issues, and most of the time it's best to keep the peace. In this case, I asked DD how often she goes there. She said probably once every time she goes to her dad's. She also stated that she spends most of the time outside playing instead of inside. At 10yr old I trust her judgement to some extent. At this point, she's still able to avoid the filth. It's not worth a fight with her dad, yet. As the weather gets colder and it becomes a situation that she cannot avoid, I will probably be forced to bring it up.

 

:grouphug:

 

There is no evidence that the home is "unsafe" to the degree that a 13yo's visitation would be altered significantly by a judge if a judge were involved. And to do so whether there is a judge involved or not is not in the child's best interest except when the situation is extreme enough that a judge would do something. No judge in his right mind would say that a 13yo could not visit a filthy home for a couple hours on a Saturday afternoon. A 13yo is plenty capable enough to do things in order to protect herself from the filth.

 

If they were doing some sort of drugs in front of her, being sexually inappropriate, refused to give her food for an extended period of time, etc, it'd be different; but people visit filthy homes. I've been amazed at how filthy A LOT of people live. I think it's much more normal than most people realize. Seriously, the needs of a child to have a relationship with their parent WAY trumps a couple hours per month visiting a neighbor with a nasty home.

 

I understand that there is a HUGe difference in the case that Kristin has given us and a home where there are drugs or some kind of outright abuse. I will also say I am completely ignorant of what judges deem appropriate. Thank you for explaining some of that to me.

[Gwenhwyfar]

just FYI: the OP's daughter is 10, not 13.

 

[the confusion might be my fault as i made a short reference to my own 13 year old daughter being prone to dramatic statements earlier in the thread.]

[Joanne]

Maybe you, Kristin, or Renee or Joanne can answer for me. If your ex is taking your daughter to an unsafe home, why is there no way to stop him? I really do understand that when he has her in his home for visitation, he is in charge of her care. I was a child of divorced parents, so I do get that. But, if she is spending time in those conditions, why can't you stop him from taking him there? What if the shoe were on the other foot? Would he stop you from taking her to this kind of home?

 

I really don't understand why you can't talk to him about it and tell him he cannot take her into those conditions at all. I know it must be a slippery slope to try to not make him angry, but your daughter's safety outweighs his emotions. And it truly sounds like she is spending time in an unsafe and filthy home.

.

 

I've noticed that many people who haven't been involved in co-parenting from the perspective of an adult or involved in the family law system don't understand. Over the years, I've read many comments suggesting co parents "not allow overnights with boyfriends", "not let the other parent allow that movie", "don't let them go to that house". These are just not possible.

 

It's not that it's a slippery slope for the xguy. It's that is a slippery slope of power and control in another's parenting time.

 

The family law courts are very used to parents trying to limit, control, report and otherwise be a part of the other parent's parenting time. In the US, the courts and family law system have developed a culture that protects each parent from the "say" of the parent who does not have possession.

 

Think about it. If the co-parent has significant say about what the other parent does, that is the slippery slope. When I am parenting, I should have not to report to, inform, or otherwise consult their father. He, likewise, should not have to report to me.

 

There are cordial or even amiable situations in which co-parents talk, make mutual decisions, and can discuss issues. But for those co-parents who can't, the courts generally support a "hands off" approach.

 

If the c0-parent is truly doing something that you feel needs intervention, you can get an attorney and go to court. However, it also takes a LOT more, in most cases, for courts to include specifics in decrees regarding visition, a LOT more to limit visitation and a LOT more to get supervised visitation.

 

Reality, even if it seems egregious to those involved, does not necessarily get processed accurately in the system.

[Nakia]

I've noticed that many people who haven't been involved in co-parenting from the perspective of an adult or involved in the family law system don't understand. Over the years, I've read many comments suggesting co parents "not allow overnights with boyfriends", "not let the other parent allow that movie", "don't let them go to that house". These are just not possible.

 

It's not that it's a slippery slope for the xguy. It's that is a slippery slope of power and control in another's parenting time.

 

The family law courts are very used to parents trying to limit, control, report and otherwise be a part of the other parent's parenting time. In the US, the courts and family law system have developed a culture that protects each parent from the "say" of the parent who does not have possession.

 

Think about it. If the co-parent has significant say about what the other parent does, that is the slippery slope. When I am parenting, I should have not to report to, inform, or otherwise consult their father. He, likewise, should not have to report to me.

 

There are cordial or even amiable situations in which co-parents talk, make mutual decisions, and can discuss issues. But for those co-parents who can't, the courts generally support a "hands off" approach.

 

If the c0-parent is truly doing something that you feel needs intervention, you can get an attorney and go to court. However, it also takes a LOT more, in most cases, for courts to include specifics in decrees regarding visition, a LOT more to limit visitation and a LOT more to get supervised visitation.

 

Reality, even if it seems egregious to those involved, does not necessarily get processed accurately in the system.

 

Thank you, Joanne, I was hoping you would answer my questions. I did admit that I am ignorant of the court system's rules about things like this. I was very honestly curious, and I do appreciate you responding.

[In2why]

I've noticed that many people who haven't been involved in co-parenting from the perspective of an adult or involved in the family law system don't understand. Over the years, I've read many comments suggesting co parents "not allow overnights with boyfriends", "not let the other parent allow that movie", "don't let them go to that house". These are just not possible.

 

It's not that it's a slippery slope for the xguy. It's that is a slippery slope of power and control in another's parenting time.

 

The family law courts are very used to parents trying to limit, control, report and otherwise be a part of the other parent's parenting time. In the US, the courts and family law system have developed a culture that protects each parent from the "say" of the parent who does not have possession.

 

Think about it. If the co-parent has significant say about what the other parent does, that is the slippery slope. When I am parenting, I should have not to report to, inform, or otherwise consult their father. He, likewise, should not have to report to me.

 

There are cordial or even amiable situations in which co-parents talk, make mutual decisions, and can discuss issues. But for those co-parents who can't, the courts generally support a "hands off" approach.

 

If the c0-parent is truly doing something that you feel needs intervention, you can get an attorney and go to court. However, it also takes a LOT more, in most cases, for courts to include specifics in decrees regarding visition, a LOT more to limit visitation and a LOT more to get supervised visitation.

 

Reality, even if it seems egregious to those involved, does not necessarily get processed accurately in the system.

 

 

I think it depends on the state you live in as well. Here in Virginia if a parent does not want overnights it is very easy to get it in written into the custody order. It is also standard that neither parent can leave the state without permission from the other parent. I agree totally that it is a slippery slope though, I have seen a lot of cases where the custodial parent, usually the Mom, wanted these things in the original court order only to regret them later when she wanted the leeway to do the same things. I also think too often visitation issues aren't about the child, but are about the parents stil engaging with each other. (not to the OP, just IME working in Domestic Law)