How does multi-generational housing work in other countries?

[Tabrett]

I know in many countries multi-family housing is the norm. How do they make it work?

 

Do they divide the house in sections and each family is responsible for their part?

 

When is leadership given over to the younger family?

 

How much control does the older family have in making decision about what the younger family does, eats, wears, disciplines their dc?

 

I'm mainly talking about an intact family where there is a mom and dad with dc living with parents, not how it works if you move in with parents because of divorce when the "couple" variable is absent.

 

I know it can be a wonderful experience, but you hear so many story's of how meddling parents are when they live 100's a miles away. How do people make it work?

 

Is it only puzzling to me because of the independence I have since I have lived away from home for 22 years?

Edited October 12, 2010 by Tabrett

[Renee in NC]

I imagine that it is so far outside the "American Independence" culture that it would be hard to describe.

 

I lived with my mother for 3 months and it was a LONG 3 months. I would live in a tent before I would live in her home again. It isn't about independence - it's about someone who had never had children (she didn't raise me at all) telling someone with 7 how to raise them!

[Mom in High Heels]

In many smaller towns in Germany, it's actually a fairly normal thing. We know a couple of people who live in multi-generational housing. Each is different. Most of the houses are really big, so space isn't that big of an issue, but some are pretty small, and they make it work. A family who lives in a large house (5 floors, 2-3 rooms per floor), has it the easiest (IMO). Our friends live on one floor (with their own bath), his brother and his family live on another floor (with their own bath), the sister lives on the bottom floor (basement), which is actually a studio apt, with a small kitchen, bathroom, bed and small LR and its own entrance. The parents live on the floor above the main floor. The main floor is kind of a communal area. It has a large kitchen, living room, dining room and bathroom. What will happen when the parents are gone, I don't know, but for now it works.

Another family we know is in a smaller apt. The parents have a bedroom, the 2 adult kids have their own rooms (small rooms) and the grand kids (3 of them) share a really, really small bedroom (maybe 8x8). There are 2 very small full baths, a kitchen and living/dining area.

Except in small country towns, housing over here is generally really small compared to what we're used to in the US. Our German friends can't believe how HUGE our apartment is for just 3 people. It's 1200 sqft. Hardly a castle, but compared to their 800 sqft apartment (that they share with their 2 kids), it probably is really big.

To our friends, living with family is just...part of life. It's what they know. Land is in short supply here, and much of it is used for farming, and apartments/houses are crazy expensive, so they make due, and live with family.

[Laura Corin]

In China, the young couple moves in with the parents and the MIL rules the roost. The DIL does what she is told. The MIL usually raises the children while the DIL works. All live together: there are no separate areas.

 

Laura

[....]

Hi. My husband is from Korea and he grew up in a multi-generational household. Basically, his parents worked and the grandparents took care of the children during the day. That pretty much sums it up. There were no divisions in the household, they were all so used to living on top of each other that I don't think they thought it was odd or thought to argue. Oh, yeah, they pool their money too. Korean people remind me of a sci-fi flick sometimes...:glare: Everything is "for the good of the family" when it comes to purchases. They share everything - in fact, my husband said that he and his brother didn't have seperate clothing - they shared clothing, even underwear and socks (obviously after it came out of the wash - LOL! :lol:).

 

My relatives seem very self-centered, egotistical and dysfunctional when you paint their picture next to my husband's family. There's no way they could live together. They would kill each other within hours. :D

 

On another note, it's pretty much expected that my husband's parents will be living with us permanently in a few years. I don't think we'll have seperate living areas or anything like that.

[FairProspects]

In China, the young couple moves in with the parents and the MIL rules the roost. The DIL does what she is told. The MIL usually raises the children while the DIL works. All live together: there are no separate areas.

 

Laura

 

This is how our Chinese exchange teacher explained it as well.

[....]

In China, the young couple moves in with the parents and the MIL rules the roost. The DIL does what she is told. The MIL usually raises the children while the DIL works. All live together: there are no separate areas.

 

Laura

 

Yeah, if you've ever seen The Joy Luck Club, it shows some dramatic examples of that. My in-laws are not like that at all, though. :D

[Garga]

In China, the young couple moves in with the parents and the MIL rules the roost. The DIL does what she is told. The MIL usually raises the children while the DIL works. All live together: there are no separate areas.

 

Laura

 

Family is very different in China (compared to America.)

 

At our local Chinese buffet, we often talk to the people who own and work in the restaurant. Over the 7 years we've worked here, two of the women who work in the restaurant have had babies.

 

They send their babies to live with the grandparents in China for FIVE YEARS STRAIGHT. So, after the baby is maybe a year old or so, off baby goes for FIVE YEARS for Grandma to raise.

 

In the past 7 years we've lived here, one baby has gone and come back (after 5 years), and the other is there now, but has only been there 7 months, so we won't see him for awhile.

 

I've heard it's very much a cultural thing for the grandparents to raise the kids while the parents are working to support everyone.

[Tabrett]

Family is very different in China (compared to America.)

 

At our local Chinese buffet, we often talk to the people who own and work in the restaurant. Over the 7 years we've worked here, two of the women who work in the restaurant have had babies.

 

They send their babies to live with the grandparents in China for FIVE YEARS STRAIGHT. So, after the baby is maybe a year old or so, off baby goes for FIVE YEARS for Grandma to raise.

 

In the past 7 years we've lived here, one baby has gone and come back (after 5 years), and the other is there now, but has only been there 7 months, so we won't see him for awhile.

 

I've heard it's very much a cultural thing for the grandparents to raise the kids while the parents are working to support everyone.

 

:eek:That is horrible! I would let my mom or MIL watch my dc while I worked, but I would not let them move away!.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

Here in Guatemala it's absolutely the way it happens, mostly in the indigenous communities. A young couple gets married and moves in with the husband's family where the mil is in charge of what the dil will do and not do and where she will sleep and the mil is even consulted in decisions and has more weight than the dil in these situations.

 

When the grandchildren are born, the dil gets a little more say, but, not much. They all live together in one house often in one room separated by hanging blankets. Or, sometimes, a lean-to will be built onto the house for a new couple to use as a bedroom.

 

Anything that the young couple brings to the house is equally shared with all the other members of the family.

 

I don't know if it's working as well as it had in the past because so many of these younger people are so well-versed in the way things are done in other parts of the world (mostly America) because of television and such. They aren't as happy about the situation as they once were. The younger women aren't as okay as they once were with being submissive to the mil.

 

I know of American girls who have married Guatemalan guys and have had to do this and it's been an unmitigated disaster.

[Garga]

:eek:That is horrible! I would let my mom or MIL watch my dc while I worked, but I would not let them move away!.

 

No kidding! When we first heard about the 1st boy who had just been sent away for 5 years, we were sure it must have been a miscommunication between us. Surely, they didn't mean that their baby was going thousands upon thousands of miles away for five YEARS. Maybe he meant five weeks or something....

 

Nope. It was five years. JR came back when he was six years old. My son and he used to play together when we were at the buffet. JR couldn't speak a lick of English.

 

 

And now another little baby is over in China with the grandparents. The mother (who owns the buffet), says that the baby cries whenever he sees a picture of her. I said, "Do you cry?" But she just smiled and nodded at me, like she does when she doesn't know what I just said. Either she didn't want to answer, or she didn't understand the question. (I felt a little rude asking, but this is just soooo strange to me.)

[chiguirre]

My grandmother lived with us for about 10 years after she was widowed and stopped working. She took over my bedroom, I got my dad's den and my parent's added on a new den and library. My grandmother did a lot of the cooking and housekeeping for my mom who had gone back to work. As she got older and her health faltered, my mom was worried she wouldn't be able to care for my grandmother at home, but my grandmother died before she needed to be bathed or diapered, so it never came to that. My dad (the sil) got along very well with my grandmother and they never argued. It helped that everyone had their own space and routines. THis was in the US, but grandmother was Polish and my dad is Hungarian, so the idea wasn't strange to them.

 

My sil and bil live with my mil and fil in Venezuela. The house is big enough to accomodate them all. Mil doesn't help out with my nephew except to be a fun grandma.

[Guest mrsjamiesouth]

I don't think everyone is always happy to live that way, I think that in those countries there are no other options.

[Amira]

In Kyrgyzstan and other parts of Central Asia, it's common for the youngest son's family to live with his parents. That son generally inherits the house after the parents die. I've always gotten the impression that there isn't quite as much submission to the mil as in some parts of the world, but since the youngest son has the responsibity to care for the parents, it's more likely they will be older when that son is married. Since Kyrgyz place a very high value on the elderly, many daughters-in-law spend a great deal of time caring for her in-laws. The grandparents would also very likely have a great influence on the way their grandchildren were raised.

[mcconnellboys]

Speaking of tents.....

 

http://www.backwoodshome.com/articles2/wolfe76.html

[mcconnellboys]

Many of the Indian students I knew in college were from extended families where large homes were shared. Different floors or wings of the homes were used by different parts of the family and then there were common areas and courtyards where they could all come together, as well.

[kmacnchs]

Here in Guatemala it's absolutely the way it happens, mostly in the indigenous communities. A young couple gets married and moves in with the husband's family where the mil is in charge of what the dil will do and not do and where she will sleep and the mil is even consulted in decisions and has more weight than the dil in these situations.

 

When the grandchildren are born, the dil gets a little more say, but, not much. They all live together in one house often in one room separated by hanging blankets. Or, sometimes, a lean-to will be built onto the house for a new couple to use as a bedroom.

 

This is how it is in Ecuador as well. My mil (a gringa) was and is sooo unsure of herself, it seemed to work for her. However, I (raised to be VERY independent) want to scream, "Cut the cord!" for most of the things she says/does to her children. At some point (imo) children need to really become adults (when they get married) - raise their own children, make their own mistakes, etc. However, over there, that never really happens. Even when parents are about to die, they STILL are the boss...

[Tabrett]

Many of the Indian students I knew in college were from extended families where large homes were shared. Different floors or wings of the homes were used by different parts of the family and then there were common areas and courtyards where they could all come together, as well.

 

I think this would be a much better arrangement. I might enjoy this type of situation.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

This is how it is in Ecuador as well. My mil (a gringa) was and is sooo unsure of herself, it seemed to work for her. However, I (raised to be VERY independent) want to scream, "Cut the cord!" for most of the things she says/does to her children. At some point (imo) children need to really become adults (when they get married) - raise their own children, make their own mistakes, etc. However, over there, that never really happens. Even when parents are about to die, they STILL are the boss...

 

 

A good example of this is something that has happened to us over and over again. We have a school that trains young people in missions and outreach as well as community development. It gives them the opportunity to go on to more schooling and it also provides 8 weeks of travel--this class leaves Saturday for 8 weeks in Port-au-Prince, Haiti. We offer free scholarships to Guatemalans who want to attend.

 

Many times, we have students lined up (most of them over the age of 19) and it will be within a day or two of them needing to move on base to start the school and the parents will forbid them to come.:001_huh: It's such an opportunity for them to not only learn something completely different and expose them to so much, but, when they return, they are able to better understand and meet the needs of their community. It's hard for us to understand.

[Jean in Newcastle]

In China, the young couple moves in with the parents and the MIL rules the roost. The DIL does what she is told. The MIL usually raises the children while the DIL works. All live together: there are no separate areas.

 

Laura

 

This is the traditional model in Japan though not all families are traditional now. While people are used to it, it is not all sweetness and light. My sil specifically looked for an American husband so that she would not have to live like this.

 

In the Philippines, it is much like this too. The one difference is that cousins are often passed around from household to household. It is definitely a "it takes a village" mindset. In my Western opinion, the village (ie. extended family) does a great job at keeping kids occupied, fed and clothed. It does a poor job at disciplining kids and teaching them specific family values esp. now that families are exposed to outside values. It is a problem when one person is strict and another is not. And the kids definitely learn how to manipulate this fact.

[Impish]

All I can do is shudder at the thought.

 

Which leaves me wondering...does that mean I'm a horrible person, or are my parents/MIL that difficult to deal with?

 

Probably both. :glare:

 

I just can't imagine my home revolving around taking care of elderly parents. I can't imagine how hard it would be for my kids to have their parents dedicating time to taking care of Mom instead of them.

 

Bad enough that I'm sidelined a lot. I can't imagine what it would be like with either my parents or MIL here to take care of.

 

MIL here for a long weekend was hard enough. Kids couldn't laugh loudly, be their normal selves cause Grandma was tired, sleeping, etc.

 

My sincere admiration for those that do it, make it work, and are content, if not happy with the arrangement.

 

In doing home health care, I've witnessed families implode under such weight.

 

I suck, because I know I couldn't manage it. Work I was done at the end of a shift, at a set time. Living it is just beyond me. :(

[newbie]

My best guess is they tolerate each other. They yell and scream and than its done like nothing every happened.

 

I am not like that, I let things fester and ooze until things are resolved.

 

Of course, I am not dong well w/this housing sit. as you can tell. Living it and not loving it.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I know in many countries multi-family housing is the norm. How do they make it work?

 

Do they divide the house in sections and each family is responsible for their part?

 

When is leadership given over to the younger family?

 

How much control does the older family have in making decision about what the younger family does, eats, wears, disciplines their dc?

 

I'm mainly talking about an intact family where there is a mom and dad with dc living with parents, not how it works if you move in with parents because of divorce when the "couple" variable is absent.

 

I know it can be a wonderful experience, but you hear so many story's of how meddling parents are when they live 100's a miles away. How do people make it work?

 

Is it only puzzling to me because of the independence I have since I have lived away from home for 22 years?

 

When I was an exchange student in Germany, I lived on a farm. My host parents also had the father's parents living with them. The house was a pretty big house with a separate apartment over the garage. So you would come into the front door and go either left to the apartment or right to the main home or down stairs to the celler/garage.

 

Both of the grandparents were not getting around much. They didn't seem to leave the apartment much. I suspect my host mom went over and cleaned up their house once a day, but I don't remember her making them meals. Definitely the farm had been turned over to my host father to run.

 

On the other hand, I tend to homestead with my in-laws everytime we transfer. The last move I was there for over two months. My kids get to sleep in the basement on air mattresses and I stay in an extra bedroom. It's great. I help with meals, do some of the laundry and try to be helpful, but it's really an internship in how to be an incredibly organized housekeeper and businesswoman to be around my mil. I have to move fast to get a load of laundry done ahead of her. This is a woman with the master plan.

 

There was even a week when dh and I took a vacation and left the homeschooling up to my in-laws. When we got back, every last thing on the list was done and they'd visited about three museums.

 

I could easily live with my in-laws long term. I'd probably try to take on more of the cooking and cleaning. On the other hand, I'm usually in tears of frustration after the first day with my parents. Not because they are unkind, but just because their home is a place of material chaos and it stresses me out. If I were to move in there, I would have to take over and get about half the stuff in the house out of there.

[Parrothead]

I don't know how they do it in other countries, but we will be living with my parents in 2-3 years.

 

It isn't going to be us moving in with them or them moving in with us. We will all be splitting the cost of the house we are going to build. The house will have a common area and two wings each with bath, bed and sitting rooms.

 

Things will be more done in a "good for the family" atmosphere.

[Cinder]

My brother lives in a multi-generational household. I'm not sure of all the ins and outs of their daily lives. I do know that the house was originally bought by his mil and her two daughters, one of whom is now db's wife. He, his dw, and their 4 kids share the master bedroom which has it's own bathroom. His mil and sil each have their own room. I think the sil also has 1 child. I know he'd love to have his own place but they just can't afford it. And their house is only about 1200 sq ft.

 

Interestingly, db does most of the cooking but they share childcare.

 

Cinder

Edited October 13, 2010 by Cinder

[angela in ohio]

We had a long chat with the sweet lady from the Chinese place we go. She was upset that her two sons are "too American" to live with her and her husband, even though they bought a big house for all of them, and they want to live with their grandchildren.

 

It is common around here for families to split off some land and then the next generation builds on it. So you end up with everyone living down the same road or at the other end of the field.

 

We've had many conversations with out dc about this: about how important family is and how much easier it is to raise dc with people around to help you. I'm not foolish enough to think that their spouses will be okay with it, but we would LOVE to have our dc live with us or very near us. At that point, my mother will probably live with us, as well.

[Renee in NC]

We had a long chat with the sweet lady from the Chinese place we go. She was upset that her two sons are "too American" to live with her and her husband, even though they bought a big house for all of them, and they want to live with their grandchildren.

 

It is common around here for families to split off some land and then the next generation builds on it. So you end up with everyone living down the same road or at the other end of the field.

 

We've had many conversations with out dc about this: about how important family is and how much easier it is to raise dc with people around to help you. I'm not foolish enough to think that their spouses will be okay with it, but we would LOVE to have our dc live with us or very near us. At that point, my mother will probably live with us, as well.

 

I could handle that. I have no problem living *near* my mother even right next door. I just can't live in the same house if we don't have our own space. She and my stepfather never had children (my father raised me from a young age) so they have ZERO tolerance for normal childhood behavior and no appropriate expectations. 99% of people tell me how well behaved my dc are - my mother calls them "little monsters.":001_huh: