Any parenting experts here? How would you handle this?

[musicianmom]

Let's say your 5-year-old brings in an object that she has found, and she's determined to play with it. You see the potential for danger to herself and her little sister, and you instruct her calmly that the object is not to be played with, it is dangerous, and she is to put it back where she got it. Then she proceeds to ignore you and goes on playing with it.

 

So, you get up calmly and take the object from your child. Or, you TRY to. She refuses to let go, saying "It's mine! It's mine!" and laughing like it's a game.

 

What do you do?

 

(By the way, if you've read "The Explosive Child", this child fits into that category.)

[Tidbits of Learning]

I have learned to be blunt with my child that is similar. I do not just say it could hurt you. I give explicit, gory examples. That could poke your eye out and you wouldn't see any more. Do you want to be blind? Your sister could fall on that and it would kill her. Do you want your sister to die?

This has worked far more effectively than that may hurt you or don't run in the street. That will make you blind or dead seems to get through to him.

I don't want him blind or dead either and this cuts to the chase.

[Snowfall]

I can sympathize! My older daughter is also explosive...very, lol. In that situation I would have to physically take it from her (since you said it wasn't safe). Then I would dispose of it appropriately and have a talk with her about why you couldn't let her play with it. I would really,really have to emphasize whatever danger there was involved in the situation and why you had to prevent it. I know punishment for disobedience will be the popular thing around here, but I would probably leave it at that - a discussion about why you HAD to take it and why she absolutely needs to cooperate with you when it's a safety matter.

[tonygirl]

I am meaner :blushing: I just take it away and say we don't play with this. I learned in my house f I say you can't do this or that I get weird looks and comebacks like yes I can see which is true so I changed my words. lol

[Joanne]

1) Decide if this is a battle I want or need to engage in.

2) If it is a battle I decide to engage in, the moment that child does not listen, the object gets taken away. I don't offer debateable details about "could hurt you" or specific damage. If it's a battle I've chosen, I've chosen it and the reasons don't really matter. Depending on the situation, the child may also lose age-related privileges. If they can't handle a "give it to me" repsonsibly, I need to revisit the privileges they do have.

3) If it's not a battle I decide to engage in, I may offer some rules about use and they'll know that disobeying those rules means it goes away.

4) I may decide to let it go.

[Ravin]

Either the object is dangerous enough that it warrants hazarding the tantrum by taking it away, or not. If so, you then deal calmly with the subsequent explosion.

 

I need to get tha book "The Explosive Child"...

[NanceXToo]

Am I the only one who just wants to know what the object is?!

[Pamela H in Texas]

I'm a little worried that the child is going to get hurt during the battle. Past that, "You may NOT play with that. Hand it to me." If she won't, "you can hand it to me or I can help you give it to me." You may have to hazard, carefully, the struggle.

 

Obviously the child doesn't see the possibilities so arguing about those won't work. If they argue because you brought it up, I'd say something like, "I understand that you aren't seeing the danger. That is part of the reason you may not play with it. It's not up for discussion."

 

I would NOT "be blunt" like above. It is developmentally inappropriate, causing anxiety or curiosity, but mostly because it just isn't likely to work because of how 5yr olds believe, think, etc.

Edited October 10, 2010 by 2J5M9K

[SailorMom]

OK - so I am the meanest of them all.

I would take it away, spank the kid, and then send them in their room for a time out. Before the discipline - I would tell them exactly what they did wrong - Saying no, yelling mine, and not obeying. Even if the object is harmless - if you say to hand it over, that is what they need to do.

[MomOfOneFunOne]

I am meaner :blushing: I just take it away and say we don't play with this. I learned in my house f I say you can't do this or that I get weird looks and comebacks like yes I can see which is true so I changed my words. lol

 

This! My husband has had such a hard time with this but he's finally getting it.

 

No means no. period.

 

That's not a good idea -- matter of opinion with which my girl will certainly disagree.

 

I don't want you playing with that -- too much leeway even there for the littles.

 

That's not for playing -- again, since I'm playing with it, I might just know something you don't.

 

All those statements are things that cursed my husband for years. He somehow just didn't want to be the heavy. He wants to say that it's not a good idea and for her to get the hint. My girl doesn't work that way, though.

 

Now that she's 11, we big ppl can use more words but we still have to be pretty direct.

 

But yours is 5. She has to learn that but she will. We have to teach it on the little things, too, though, so they know it on the big (dangerous) things.

 

and Mom, you might need to rethink where you're keeping that thing. At 5, if she can get into it, Mommy and Daddy should have been on top of it. Out of reach gets so quickly redefined as they grow and out of reach becomes easy to reach too fast. Lock it up. Unless it was a snake or something . . . ;) One year we only *thought* those fireworks and matches were out of reach. :001_huh: Blessed be God forever! nothing happened but it sure could have. We should have known that if you pull this drawer out this far, and then the next one out that far, and then the next one out yea far and then climb up there and stand on top, you can reach nearly all the contraband in our house. Rethinking is in order!

[Wheres Toto]

/

and Mom, you might need to rethink where you're keeping that thing. At 5, if she can get into it, Mommy and Daddy should have been on top of it. Out of reach gets so quickly redefined as they grow and out of reach becomes easy to reach too fast. Lock it up. Unless it was a snake or something . . . ;) One year we only *thought* those fireworks and matches were out of reach. :001_huh: Blessed be God forever! nothing happened but it sure could have. We should have known that if you pull this drawer out this far, and then the next one out that far, and then the next one out yea far and then climb up there and stand on top, you can reach nearly all the contraband in our house. Rethinking is in order!

 

:iagree: We are constantly having to rearrange, get new locks and move things around to make sure they continue to be out of reach. Occasionally it takes us by surprise (like when my 5 year old son stood on his 3 year old sister's back in order to reach something:001_huh:).

 

In a situation where they get their hands on something truly dangerous, not just potentially messy or breakable, I don't give them an option. I walk over and take it away quickly before they realize and get the chance to grip it tighter. I then explain that the object is dangerous and not something to be played with.

[freerange]

If it's truly dangerous, you need plan A. If necessary, hold her wrist whilst you remove the item from her grasp with the other hand.

 

If it's only potentially dangerous, ask her to set it down safely somewhere whilst you talk about it. Then explore the options available, e.g. Playing withit under close supervision, replacing it with something similar, using an imaginary replacement... (plan b)

[6packofun]

No! I must know if it's a live animal or a construction tool or medieval weapon or what!!

[kalanamak]

Am I the only one who just wants to know what the object is?!

 

 

My house is full of them....take your pick.

 

I say "not a toy" firmly, and remove the toy in a non-dramatic fashion. I then say "see the sharp edge" or "this belongs to papa" or "too easy to break". If there was a fit, I'd walk off. When fit ends, I'd pick up exactly where we left off. "Breakfast is on the table!" cheerily.

[WagsWife]

OK - so I am the meanest of them all.

I would take it away, spank the kid, and then send them in their room for a time out. Before the discipline - I would tell them exactly what they did wrong - Saying no, yelling mine, and not obeying. Even if the object is harmless - if you say to hand it over, that is what they need to do.

 

:iagree: I am the mean mom right there with you. Obedience the first time, period! It took a lot of training (and being consistent.) to get to that point, however it has always been expected. I am always amazed when people ask how we were able to get our children to mind so well...I usually say something about them not being perfect (because they are not)...but what I really want to say is "Because we parent our children!"

 

*disclaimer: I am not talking about children who clearly have issues which keep them from being able to obey. However, I maintain that most kids are very capable of first time obedience. Some kids may be harder than others...but you cannot give up. Our middle dd was very difficult. We did have to learn to pick our battles to a degree...and there were times where it would have been a whole lot easier to let her do what she wanted. But we refused to give up and let her rule the house (like we see in so many other families.)

[WagsWife]

Let's say your 5-year-old brings in an object that she has found, and she's determined to play with it. You see the potential for danger to herself and her little sister, and you instruct her calmly that the object is not to be played with, it is dangerous, and she is to put it back where she got it. Then she proceeds to ignore you and goes on playing with it.

 

So, you get up calmly and take the object from your child. Or, you TRY to. She refuses to let go, saying "It's mine! It's mine!" and laughing like it's a game.

 

What do you do?

 

(By the way, if you've read "The Explosive Child", this child fits into that category.)

 

The item would be taken away...and she would be punished for not obeying.

 

We have taught our kids to obey the first time. When they are little there are *no exceptions...period. As they get older, they obey first and then if they have questions or comments...they can address it to us in a polite respectful manner.

[hillfarm]

Sorry, but for health and safety issues, my word is LAW. No backtalk, no plea bargaining, no way but my way. Period.

 

We live on a small farm and from dd's youngest years, she paraphrased my dire warnings that "there's lots of ways to get dead on a farm". I am more amenable to discussion when it is something less life threatening. However, there are still a few inviolable rules that are always in force, no matter what.

 

I would remove the object from your home and give it to someone else if it is useful or discard it if it is not. I would not be swayed by dd's pleas that it was hers or that she found it.

[MomOfOneFunOne]

The item would be taken away...and she would be punished for not obeying.

 

We have taught our kids to obey the first time. When they are little there are *no exceptions...period. As they get older, they obey first and then if they have questions or comments...they can address it to us in a polite respectful manner.

 

This is what we do. Immediate yes'm and obedience and only after obedience can she ask to discuss it. We had to outlaw "Yes ma'am, but . . ." b/c that isn't immediate obedience, it's a loophole.

 

Also, we didn't really implement that till she had immediate obedience down.

[In2why]

OK - so I am the meanest of them all.

I would take it away, spank the kid, and then send them in their room for a time out. Before the discipline - I would tell them exactly what they did wrong - Saying no, yelling mine, and not obeying. Even if the object is harmless - if you say to hand it over, that is what they need to do.

 

 

I don't think you are mean. I don't spank often, but straight out yelling no to me would be a good reason. After she went to her room until she calmed down and thought about telling me no, we would discuss why some things are not appropriate to play with or touch.

 

But I will say that I am a huge believer in child proofing the house and keeping things that are dangerous out of reach so we don't have a power struggle and high frustration level. Yet there are always going to be something they can get their hands on, like sticks outside to jab at one another. :tongue_smilie:

 

EDITED TO ADD: I am so not an expert at parenting, and I don't even play one on TV

[tonygirl]

I read this while waiting for an appt. I am not of the generation of being taken out behind the wood shed BUT I completely agree with!! Sad to think that if you parent like this today you could end up in jail:confused:

 

 

GOD BLESS THE PARENTS WHO DRUGGED US..

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question.

 

"Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?"

I replied I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

 

I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.

I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cocklebur's out of dad's fields.

 

I was drug to the homes of family, friends and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed

.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

God bless the parents who drugged us.

[fairfarmhand]

I read this while waiting for an appt. I am not of the generation of being taken out behind the wood shed BUT I completely agree with!! Sad to think that if you parent like this today you could end up in jail:confused:

 

 

GOD BLESS THE PARENTS WHO DRUGGED US..

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question.

 

"Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?"

I replied I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

 

I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.

I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cocklebur's out of dad's fields.

 

I was drug to the homes of family, friends and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed

.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

God bless the parents who drugged us.

 

 

I love this!

[Snowfall]

:iagree: I am the mean mom right there with you. Obedience the first time, period! It took a lot of training (and being consistent.) to get to that point, however it has always been expected. I am always amazed when people ask how we were able to get our children to mind so well...I usually say something about them not being perfect (because they are not)...but what I really want to say is "Because we parent our children!"

 

I parent my children, too. I simply refuse to do so by hitting them or demanding instant obedience every time I open my mouth. The fact that I do it differently than you does not mean I don't parent them. I WANT different results than you do! I am nearly 100% positive I don't want to raise my children to be the same type of adult as you want your children to be. Different strokes for different folks, but claiming that spanking and demanding instant obedience is the only way to parent is not only silly, but insulting. Hopefully that's not what you were actually meaning to say. :)

[MomOfOneFunOne]

I parent my children, too. I simply refuse to do so by hitting them or demanding instant obedience every time I open my mouth. The fact that I do it differently than you does not mean I don't parent them. I WANT different results than you do! I am nearly 100% positive I don't want to raise my children to be the same type of adult as you want your children to be. Different strokes for different folks, but claiming that spanking and demanding instant obedience is the only way to parent is not only silly, but insulting. Hopefully that's not what you were actually meaning to say. :)

 

As someone who was recently accused of saying something on the forum that I didn't say, I'd like to just pop in to say that I don't think she said anything about spanking. I didn't read it that way, anyway.

 

She did say something about training, consistency, and expectations. Thats how we do it and nary a mention of spanking.

 

OOps, sorry, reread that. I guess it was the agreement to the previous mention of spanking. Sorry!

 

:001_smile:

Edited October 10, 2010 by MomOfOneFunOne

[Snowfall]

I'm not meaning to accuse her of saying it's the only way to parent, but I do feel it necessary to point out that saying so would be, well, absurd.

 

LOL! You edited while I posted, so now I'm editing. Message boards are hard sometimes.

[MomOfOneFunOne]

:lol::lol::lol:

[mktkcb]

BTDT...... with 2 of my kids, who are now more elderly. No more talking. Chase down said child, remove whatever it is, whatever it takes to do so short of abusing child. Pry their little fingers off it. whatever. Screaming angry child goes to cool off spot. Discipline proceeds per whatever you do in your house. When child is calm, we talk about the whys and wherefores. Maybe "jail" a favorite other toy for a period of time. They just gotta learn you don't do the game thing....

[WagsWife]

I parent my children, too. I simply refuse to do so by hitting them or demanding instant obedience every time I open my mouth. The fact that I do it differently than you does not mean I don't parent them. I WANT different results than you do! I am nearly 100% positive I don't want to raise my children to be the same type of adult as you want your children to be. Different strokes for different folks, but claiming that spanking and demanding instant obedience is the only way to parent is not only silly, but insulting. Hopefully that's not what you were actually meaning to say. :)

 

You are perfectly in your rights to parent the way you choose. I don't argue with that at all. You are correct, you probably want a different outcome for your children than I want in mine...that is fine.

 

I never claimed that my way is the ONLY way...however, when people who are dumbfounded that I have children who are obedient, polite, and respectful...ask me how I did it...or even better, tell me that they wish they could get their children to conduct themselves similarly...I become dumbfounded at the parents who choose not to parent. The fact is, (except in rare occasions) if you want your children to behave one way...but they don't, you are not parenting.

 

I know a family who have children that in my opinion are *obnoxious. They are mouthy and disrespectful to any adult who speaks to them. That is the type of children the parents want. I know this, because we have talked about it. The parents want their children to grow up feeling free to question anything, and to be able to have a voice in all decisions made. In their house, the children have an equal voice. That is their choice. I would never offer them parenting advice, because they don't need it. I may not choose their method...and I definitely do not like the outcome thus far...they are not my kids.

 

But for the people who lament the fact that they can't get their kids to talk to them with respect, come when called (not run the other way,) or stop throwing tantrums...I let them know *my way...because my way works, and I have the kids to prove it.

 

The OP asked what *we would do, and I told her...nothing more.

[Jenn in Mo]

What would I do?

 

I'd spank my daughter's hind end.

 

I don't spank very often at all. We reserve it for intentional defiance. Screaming no fits the bill nicely. Laughing at me for expecting obedience? That's disrespectful and mean. I'd be praying for guidance and diligently trying to help her before she annoyed, hurt, and ran off all of her friends.

 

Spanking isn't the answer for every child, obviously. But there would be immediate consequences. When mine are being unkind, they spend time alone in their room to remember their manners and how to care about other people's feelings with a clear explanation that it was #1 to protect their playmates from having to be treated unfairly and #2 an opportunity for them to get control of themselves and make better choices.

 

I listen to my kids. I talk to my kids. LOTS. But I still require obedience. For their safety and well-being, it is important for them to learn to conform their will. This is not the same as breaking their spirit. Not a single one of us gets to do whatever we want whenever we want. We learn over time that we have to adjust to things...work schedules, laws, etc. Sadly, it seems to be a very rude awakening to a lot of young people these days because they are accustomed to getting their way. Sometimes they have to suffer through a lecture or two, but in the end, they still generally get their way.

 

While I think it's important to show our children respect by explaining things and by listening to their side, this is done after my instructions have been obeyed. They don't obey because they have considered my explanation and decided it wouldn't kill them to give in. I shouldn't have to convince them to obey. I've seen a growing trend that depends on showing respect to our children by explaining our decisions, but see so few parents teaching children to show respect BACK by obeying. I've yet to see a child learn respect because the parent showed a good model of respect towards them. Instead, I see entitlement...they feel they deserve to be respected and see no need to give it back.

 

In the scenario of the OP, I would discipline first and then discuss why it was important to obey. Then, I would play a game to help teach the new skill of obeying mom. We did this for coming to mom when mom called their names. When they were little, I would explain why it was needed and then have them stand in the next room. I'd call their name and have them practice coming to me and saying, "Yes, ma'am?" We did it several times in different places in the house, doing different activities (what if your hands are full, etc.?) We always ended in giggles and it was a fun way to learn.

 

Perhaps in this case you could hand her harmless toys and pretend it's a.....I have no idea...a spider? and mom says, "Please hand me that." Practice and make it silly, but make sure she understands it is necessary to obey mom...even when it doesn't make sense because mom cares about her safety.

[IsabelC]

OK, well first off, before even saying anything, I would make a judgment about how dangerous the item is. Because a lot of the time, we parents have the tendency to be overprotective.

 

If it is only a little bit dangerous, I would just keep an eye on the situation and be ready to take action if needed. And maybe remind her to be careful with it.

 

If I think it's moderately dangerous, I'd use the situation as a teaching opportunity to explain the potential danger and instruct the child in how to use the item more safely. For example, today my 5yo was cutting up a melon with a very sharp knife, which she knows how to handle fine because her daddy has taught her the correct way to hold and use it. But my 2yo grabbed the knife and wanted to have a go. I could see that she couldn't manage it properly, so we worked hand over hand to give her a little practice and then she was happy for me to take it away as she knows she is only allowed to use table knives by herself.

 

If it's seriously dangerous and totally not on, then yes I would get it off her first and explain afterwards. And then think about why I left it somewhere she could get it in the first place!

 

(All of the above is assuming that this is something new for her. If it was something that she already knew she wasn't allowed to touch under any circumstances, then of course I wouldn't be rewarding her with any time to play with it. But again, I'd consider whether it could be placed out of her reach and/or out of sight.)

 

As for the situation with the parent asking for the item to be handed over and the child running off and laughing, I try not to let that scenario happen. Maybe if you suspect that she's going to do that, you could go over to her, squat down and make physical contact as you tell her to give it to you. Gently put one of your hands on the arm she is using, and hold out the other hand as you ask for the item. If she tries to race off, or doesn't hand it over after a few seconds, you can then hold onto her arm firmly and use your other hand to forcibly take the item off her. You should be able to do this without hurting her, put the item away safely, and then proceed with any discipline measures you would normally use.

Edited October 11, 2010 by Hotdrink