Parents of stubborn, hard headed teens please come in

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Can we just admit that our kids want to make us scream? You don't have to share what the problems are but I am looking for a sisterhood...

 

my DD is driving me crazy with her life choices and I feel burdened and broken and responsible and guilty and....the list could go on and on...

[Faithr]

It is so hard to let go and let them make their own mistakes, especially if they would just listen to us they'd be so much better off! LOL!

 

Yeah, I am right there with you, sister!

 

The human condition is one of being burdened, broken and guilty, it just takes different forms as we age! If you are a praying woman, it helps tremendously.

[Yolanda in Mass]

Another sister here! I've told friends with younger kids that it only gets harder. Some encourager I am, huh? Seriously, our kids will make bad choices and you CAN NOT blame yourself for every bad choice they make. I say this knowing full well you will, 'cause I do.

 

"My faith is sufficient for you, for my power is made great in your weakness." 2 Cor 12:9

 

You're not alone!

 

Yolanda

[Thea]

Uh, yeah. We are here. It is hard, hard, hard. Give me a screaming, not toilet trained three year old ANY day.

 

My oldest is only 16.5 and her some of her recent choices scare the snot out of me. :hug:

[justamouse]

*raiseshand* Another sister here.

 

The 19 yo is making me want to hook up wine as an IV.

 

You CANNOT blame yourself. They DO know better, they've been taught better. There are adults out there making horrible choices, too, you know?

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Thanks, sisters.

 

Is there a place to exchange your teen for an untoilet trained three year old?

[Jane in NC]

Ahem. I was a stubborn, hard headed teen. In fact, I still have my stubborn moments. Fortunately I did not get into trouble. I just did things like send my mom a postcard from Vienna telling her that I had fallen in love with the city and would never leave. That at 19. Leave I did and at 21 I moved to Manhattan from my Midwestern home presenting my mom with a whole new set of worries.

 

Life is an adventure. I embrace it all, especially my own son who shares a hard headed streak.

 

There is something about hard headed teens that should be celebrated. They are often non-conformists. They give us new lenses through which we see the world. They have fun.

 

Embrace those kids.

 

ETA: most of us as homeschoolers are considered hard headed by the non-homeschooling segment of society. Why would we expect our children to be any different??

Edited October 7, 2010 by Jane in NC
another thought

[Maverick_Mom]

Thanks, sisters.

 

Is there a place to exchange your teen for an untoilet trained three year old?

 

You know, I think it was easier when all we had to do was get up a few times in the middle of the night to change a stinky diaper and then feed 'em! Some days, I'd *gladly* go back to that! :lol:

[justamouse]

Ahem. I was a stubborn, hard headed teen. In fact, I still have my stubborn moments. Fortunately I did not get into trouble. I just did things like send my mom a postcard from Vienna telling her that I had fallen in love with the city and would never leave. That at 19. Leave I did and at 21 I moved to Manhattan from my Midwestern home presenting my mom with a whole new set of worries.

 

Life is an adventure. I embrace it all, especially my own son who shares a hard headed streak.

 

There is something about hard headed teens that should be celebrated. They are often non-conformists. They give us new lenses through which we see the world. They have fun.

 

Embrace those kids.

 

ETA: most of us as homeschoolers are considered hard headed by the non-homeschooling segment of society. Why would we expect our children to be any different??

 

 

Mine is courting some huge, horrible consequences and I stay awake at night praying for him and grace for me to handle the worst if it ever happens. I'm hoping he chooses to turn his life around. Vienna and Manhattan would be preferable-hell, I'd be thrilled.

[Jane in NC]

Mine is courting some huge, horrible consequences and I stay awake at night praying for him and grace for me to handle the worst if it ever happens. I'm hoping he chooses to turn his life around. Vienna and Manhattan would be preferable-hell, I'd be thrilled.

 

Truly sorry. :grouphug: I did not mean to make light of the situations that parents on this thread are facing. But I will stick with my previous advice: Embrace those kids.

[Faithr]

For me it isn't about embracing or not embracing, it's about watching them do really stupid, self-destructive things that are going come back and bite them in the rear in a very nasty way, and knowing that I can only do so much because they won't listen but have to learn the hard way. I am always there with the embrace, but it is still a very hard thing to watch. And sometimes they are busy rejecting the embrace! It hurts, it keeps you up at night, it has you whispering prayers for them as you drive around running errands, it has you feeling anxious when the phone rings late at night, it makes it hard to know what to say to them at times, it makes you question yourself and your abilities. My kids have only gone through mild aspects of what could be much darker, scarier stuff. But still tensions ran/run high and at times I feel like pulling my hair out. At times I feel rejected and disrespected. It can be a lot to get through.

[Thea]

For me it isn't about embracing or not embracing, it's about watching them do really stupid, self-destructive things that are going come back and bite them in the rear in a very nasty way, and knowing that I can only do so much because they won't listen but have to learn the hard way. I am always there with the embrace, but it is still a very hard thing to watch. And sometimes they are busy rejecting the embrace! It hurts, it keeps you up at night, it has you whispering prayers for them as you drive around running errands, it has you feeling anxious when the phone rings late at night, it makes it hard to know what to say to them at times, it makes you question yourself and your abilities. My kids have only gone through mild aspects of what could be much darker, scarier stuff. But still tensions ran/run high and at times I feel like pulling my hair out. At times I feel rejected and disrespected. It can be a lot to get through.

 

 

This. All the way.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

For me it isn't about embracing or not embracing, it's about watching them do really stupid, self-destructive things that are going come back and bite them in the rear in a very nasty way, and knowing that I can only do so much because they won't listen but have to learn the hard way. I am always there with the embrace, but it is still a very hard thing to watch. And sometimes they are busy rejecting the embrace! It hurts, it keeps you up at night, it has you whispering prayers for them as you drive around running errands, it has you feeling anxious when the phone rings late at night, it makes it hard to know what to say to them at times, it makes you question yourself and your abilities. My kids have only gone through mild aspects of what could be much darker, scarier stuff. But still tensions ran/run high and at times I feel like pulling my hair out. At times I feel rejected and disrespected. It can be a lot to get through.

 

This is exactly how I feel. Thank you for putting it into words.

[Caroline]

Thanks, sisters.

 

Is there a place to exchange your teen for an untoilet trained three year old?

 

Until recently, I had one of each. The three year old is now toilet trained.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Mine is courting some huge, horrible consequences and I stay awake at night praying for him and grace for me to handle the worst if it ever happens. I'm hoping he chooses to turn his life around. Vienna and Manhattan would be preferable-hell, I'd be thrilled.

:iagree: I completely understand.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Until recently, I had one of each. The three year old is now toilet trained.

 

The unspoken sentiment in this post makes me laugh.

[Thea]

Until recently, I had one of each. The three year old is now toilet trained.

 

Ha. :giggle:

[Beth in OH]

For me it isn't about embracing or not embracing, it's about watching them do really stupid, self-destructive things that are going come back and bite them in the rear in a very nasty way, and knowing that I can only do so much because they won't listen but have to learn the hard way. I am always there with the embrace, but it is still a very hard thing to watch. And sometimes they are busy rejecting the embrace! It hurts, it keeps you up at night, it has you whispering prayers for them as you drive around running errands, it has you feeling anxious when the phone rings late at night, it makes it hard to know what to say to them at times, it makes you question yourself and your abilities. My kids have only gone through mild aspects of what could be much darker, scarier stuff. But still tensions ran/run high and at times I feel like pulling my hair out. At times I feel rejected and disrespected. It can be a lot to get through.

 

Amen! After some really good months, today took my dd a sizable step backward. I was amazed at how quickly the familiar physical sensation of anxiety came rushing back. Wow--I could tell how the anxiety clouded my thinking and made me want to react compulsively. Prayer. For her. For me--that I would turn her over to God and He would help me take my thoughts captive and release them to Him. He is faithful. We worked through today's "crisis" with much more mutual respect and better relationship skills than we used to. The issues are not all resolved, but we've taken another step together in the journey. Give me that 3 year old.

 

Beth

[Nan in Mass]

I do embrace a lot of it - midnight visits to emergency rooms in Poland with ankles sprained while racing elevators in unlit stairwells, swimming in the reservoire, walking around Japan with monks, getting stopped by the police for jaunting around town on a lawn tractor or going to a school dance by kayak, getting dragged across a field by a kite, shooting the fisherman with the a potato cannon, ... But I could really, really do without the middle of the night phone calls. Every night I take my cell phone to bed with me and wonder if it is going to wake me up with my heart in my mouth. And I do an awful lot of praying as I drive around, most recently for a hard head that was not wearing a helmet and broke (a friend). These kids just break my heart.

-Nan

[Starr]

I do embrace a lot of it - midnight visits to emergency rooms in Poland with ankles sprained while racing elevators in unlit stairwells, swimming in the reservoire, walking around Japan with monks, getting stopped by the police for jaunting around town on a lawn tractor or going to a school dance by kayak, getting dragged across a field by a kite, shooting the fisherman with the a potato cannon, ... But I could really, really do without the middle of the night phone calls. Every night I take my cell phone to bed with me and wonder if it is going to wake me up with my heart in my mouth. And I do an awful lot of praying as I drive around, most recently for a hard head that was not wearing a helmet and broke (a friend). These kids just break my heart.

-Nan

 

:grouphug:

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I do embrace a lot of it - midnight visits to emergency rooms in Poland with ankles sprained while racing elevators in unlit stairwells, swimming in the reservoire, walking around Japan with monks, getting stopped by the police for jaunting around town on a lawn tractor or going to a school dance by kayak, getting dragged across a field by a kite, shooting the fisherman with the a potato cannon, ... But I could really, really do without the middle of the night phone calls. Every night I take my cell phone to bed with me and wonder if it is going to wake me up with my heart in my mouth. And I do an awful lot of praying as I drive around, most recently for a hard head that was not wearing a helmet and broke (a friend). These kids just break my heart.

-Nan

 

Nan- :grouphug: I feel for you, honestly I do, but some of your child's experiences are just plain amusing (to someone not his mother)

[Yolanda in Mass]

Every night I take my cell phone to bed with me and wonder if it is going to wake me up with my heart in my mouth.

-Nan

 

Oh my! I thought I was the only one who does the cell phone check before climbing into bed. Or...how about the texts that are sent when you're asleep? Do they really think we're sitting there, staring at the phone, and waiting for a text? How about just coming home on time?! :glare:

 

Yolanda

[Beth in OH]

Oh my! I thought I was the only one who does the cell phone check before climbing into bed. Or...how about the texts that are sent when you're asleep? Do they really think we're sitting there, staring at the phone, and waiting for a text? How about just coming home on time?! :glare:

 

Yolanda

 

We don't have a land line, so if I'm in bed and accidentally realize that I've left my cell downstairs, I will GET OUT OF MY WARM, COZY BED to go get it. The cell must be on the charger next to my bed at night. My husband thinks I'm too available. :001_huh::001_huh:

 

Beth

[Nan in Mass]

My husband does not. I guess that tells you what sort of phone calls we've gotten. And we've missed a few memorable ones, like the one from our 15yo when he got lost running crow hops and wound up in the red light district of Charlotte and discovered that he didn't have his driver's phone number (no place to put it when you've nothing on but shorts and running shoes) and knew we had it. Fortunately the world mostly consists of kind people, not unkind ones, even in red light districts. (And he learned to write the number on his arm after that.) It was the only time that particular child has ever called us with a problem when he was travelling, and it still bothers me that we weren't there for him. But those aren't the sorts of phone calls that I take the phone to bed for, unfortunately. Sigh.

-Nan

Edited October 10, 2010 by Nan in Mass

[hsbeth]

I thought I was the only one! IRL mom's never talk about "reality" with me. I struggle with contolling and manipulating vs. shepperding and guiding because I am so afraid, and I pray-always and constantly. I daily work on letting go and trusting God. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone.

Angela

 

This is precisely my struggle and I know we've only just begun (oldest 2 girls are 14 and 13). I'm already weary and always seem to be worried lately, questioning my abilities as a mom.

[Nan in Mass]

My experience with teens is that most of the tinme I do not have enough information to make any particular decision - I have to guess. I continue to make the decisions about where they can and cannot go just because I have occasionally put a stop to some very bad plans, but for the most part, I say yes or no blind. I have stunningly wrong upon occasion. These years are exhausting. Sometimes I made my husband make a few decisions just because I was tired. Not that he didn't make plenty on his own. I was the one who was home to ask, most of the time, so I got stuck with many of them. As they got older, the decision making got a little easier because I had less control. The worry stepped up, though, as more cars and more drivers were involved and their world expanded.

-Nan

[Merry]

It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one:)

[Nan in Mass]

You know, in retrospect, I can say that this was true of the homeschooling decisions, too. Sigh. And decisions about technology.

[MyThreeSons]

I could share several things that came up during the "prepare to take the SAT for the first time" period of the past several weeks.

[Yolanda in Mass]

I thought I was the only one! IRL mom's never talk about "reality" with me. I struggle with contolling and manipulating vs. shepperding and guiding because I am so afraid, and I pray-always and constantly. I daily work on letting go and trusting God. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone.

Angela

 

 

Yes! Yes! Yes! Did I say Yes?:iagree:

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I thought I was the only one! IRL mom's never talk about "reality" with me. I struggle with contolling and manipulating vs. shepperding and guiding because I am so afraid, and I pray-always and constantly. I daily work on letting go and trusting God. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone.

Angela

:iagree:

 

Why is it that we can't (or won't) share reality with other moms?

[Nan in Mass]

Because our children are old enough that it is impolite to talk about them behind their backs, impolite and disloyal, and it would hurt them dreadfully if they found out. We need to talk to each other but we can't. There isn't really a way around it.

-Nan

[MyThreeSons]

Or...how about the texts that are sent when you're asleep? Do they really think we're sitting there, staring at the phone, and waiting for a text? How about just coming home on time?! :glare:

 

Actually, I've told me son to text me if he's going to be late or stay with friends. That way, when I wake up in the middle of the night, I can check the text, not worry, and go back to sleep.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Because our children are old enough that it is impolite to talk about them behind their backs, impolite and disloyal, and it would hurt them dreadfully if they found out. We need to talk to each other but we can't. There isn't really a way around it.

-Nan

I know but it is frustrating...

 

What about when one parent knows a particular boy is abusive to his girlfriends but doesn't share that info with a mom whose daughter is dating said young man?

 

or when the parents of a friend know their DD came home high and that there were other girls with her while she was doing drugs?

 

I just wish we could say "Hey, this is what is going on...."

[Nan in Mass]

I agree that it is frustrating. It is a matter of conflicting loyalties. Are you loyal to your community? To other mothers? To your friends? Or to your children? I have to admit, though, that I would have to be thoroughly convinced that somebody was going to be badly hurt before I would betray my children, not just fear that something bad might happen. I spend lots of time in the fearing-that-something-bad-might-happen state and miraculously, everyone usually emerges unhurt. That makes me very reluctant actually to say anything. I've thought a lot about why parents don't talk to each other. A whole lot. I've wondered if the whole town is facing what I am facing but not saying anything. Do they all live in fear? Are they all broken hearted? I'd have to say that 85% of the parents' of teenagers are. And 5% don't care. And 5% are oblivious or have their heads in the sand. And the other 5% somehow have children who don't worry them. That makes a lot of silent people. I'm not sure that is a bad thing, though. I think I'd rather soldier through on my own and preserve the illusion of life being ok, because for part of every day it actually is ok, most days, anyway. Truly, I sympathize. All I can tell you is that my town doesn't work like that. Things get around, and sometimes they get back to you, and sometimes a situation comes to light in so obvious a way to several of you that you can manage to do the it-takes-a-village thing and present a united adult front and put a stop to something, but usually, this is not what happens. Usually, you are working blind and probably doing and saying the wrong thing because of that. I think that if you are honest with yourself and your children, and model uprightness and firmness and bravery and loyalty and honesty (don't ask me how you do those two at the same time - sigh) and compassion and forgiveness, with the help of a guardian angel and lots of prayer, things will come out in the end. The teen years are about where you have to admit that the only behaviour you can really control is your own and try to have enough self control to behave in a way that leaves you whole. Sigh. Some days I can manage to do that, and some days I am less than my best self and don't manage the quiet voice that turneth away wrath and the turn the other cheek and the walk a mile and the giving the cloak too and the do unto others bits very well. This probably isn't very helpful. All I can say is that occasionally, we have managed to talk to one other set of parents in a way that has been helpful, but that most of the time, it was not worth the price.

-nan

[Beth in OH]

I have to admit, though, that I would have to be thoroughly convinced that somebody was going to be badly hurt before I would betray my children, not just fear that something bad might happen. I spend lots of time in the fearing-that-something-bad-might-happen state and miraculously, everyone usually emerges unhurt.

 

:iagree: When I am in that fearful place, I believe whole heartedly that I know just what bad thing is going to happen. Unfortunately, history has often proven me wrong. Emotion, anxiety and fear can propel us to immediate action (telling other parents what's going on), but they often overcome our more mature reasoning powers. As a result, we can create unnecessary fear and drama for others.

 

I really believe that most parents have at least an inkling when something's not right with their kids. If they ask me what I know, I will answer honestly--in that case the parents are trying to gain information. Otherwise, I assume parents are handling their children's situation to the best of their ability. I want to respect other parents' different standards and abilities.

Edited October 12, 2010 by Beth in OH

[Nan in Mass]

If everyone in town told me what my children were doing, I would have to move to a desert island. I didn't think of this reason. You are right, Beth. Most of the time, I know what is going on and I am dealing with it as best I can. I don't want to be told. That just means I have to talk about things with people that aren't close enough that I want to talk about things with. Bad sentence, but I have to go get milk now.

Hugs, everyone. This is abrupt only because I am in a hurry.

-Nan

[justamouse]

Truly sorry. :grouphug: I did not mean to make light of the situations that parents on this thread are facing. But I will stick with my previous advice: Embrace those kids.

 

No, I understand, and I DO embrace. I see the talent there, believe me. I see how those bad traits are good traits in the right setting. I would still take Vienna, though! :-)

 

For me it isn't about embracing or not embracing, it's about watching them do really stupid, self-destructive things that are going come back and bite them in the rear in a very nasty way, and knowing that I can only do so much because they won't listen but have to learn the hard way. I am always there with the embrace, but it is still a very hard thing to watch. And sometimes they are busy rejecting the embrace! It hurts, it keeps you up at night, it has you whispering prayers for them as you drive around running errands, it has you feeling anxious when the phone rings late at night, it makes it hard to know what to say to them at times, it makes you question yourself and your abilities. My kids have only gone through mild aspects of what could be much darker, scarier stuff. But still tensions ran/run high and at times I feel like pulling my hair out. At times I feel rejected and disrespected. It can be a lot to get through.

 

Not to mention judged. :grouphug:

 

I do embrace a lot of it - midnight visits to emergency rooms in Poland with ankles sprained while racing elevators in unlit stairwells, swimming in the reservoire, walking around Japan with monks, getting stopped by the police for jaunting around town on a lawn tractor or going to a school dance by kayak, getting dragged across a field by a kite, shooting the fisherman with the a potato cannon, ... But I could really, really do without the middle of the night phone calls. Every night I take my cell phone to bed with me and wonder if it is going to wake me up with my heart in my mouth. And I do an awful lot of praying as I drive around, most recently for a hard head that was not wearing a helmet and broke (a friend). These kids just break my heart.

-Nan

 

My land line rang at 3:30 am the other morning and the adrenaline that shot though my body lifted me off the bed. A text to landline message meant to go to his sister, but he accidentally hit me instead. The movie was fantastic. :glare: He could NOT comprehend why I might have been upset. I laughed with him, heck, I was just happy it wasn't the cops or the hospital.

Because our children are old enough that it is impolite to talk about them behind their backs, impolite and disloyal, and it would hurt them dreadfully if they found out. We need to talk to each other but we can't. There isn't really a way around it.

-Nan

 

You know though, I am totally honest and truthful with my very close IRL friends. They pray for me, and him and that helps. But, they're like family and don't judge. They see how it could be them. And one of them has ADHD and KNOWS and he's such a good help with talking to my son. I don't know what I'd do without him.

 

I was watching Dr Phil the other day and he was saying that the decision making and predicting consequences part of their brains don't mature till their mid 20s. :001_huh: I may not last that long.

[newbie]

Thanks, sisters.

 

Is there a place to exchange your teen for an untoilet trained three year old?

 

Right there w/you, I would love to be watching Arthur and I would even take the Wiggles right about now.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I agree that it is frustrating. It is a matter of conflicting loyalties. Are you loyal to your community? To other mothers? To your friends? Or to your children? I have to admit, though, that I would have to be thoroughly convinced that somebody was going to be badly hurt before I would betray my children, not just fear that something bad might happen. I spend lots of time in the fearing-that-something-bad-might-happen state and miraculously, everyone usually emerges unhurt. That makes me very reluctant actually to say anything. I've thought a lot about why parents don't talk to each other. A whole lot. I've wondered if the whole town is facing what I am facing but not saying anything. Do they all live in fear? Are they all broken hearted? I'd have to say that 85% of the parents' of teenagers are. And 5% don't care. And 5% are oblivious or have their heads in the sand. And the other 5% somehow have children who don't worry them. That makes a lot of silent people. I'm not sure that is a bad thing, though. I think I'd rather soldier through on my own and preserve the illusion of life being ok, because for part of every day it actually is ok, most days, anyway. Truly, I sympathize. All I can tell you is that my town doesn't work like that. Things get around, and sometimes they get back to you, and sometimes a situation comes to light in so obvious a way to several of you that you can manage to do the it-takes-a-village thing and present a united adult front and put a stop to something, but usually, this is not what happens. Usually, you are working blind and probably doing and saying the wrong thing because of that. I think that if you are honest with yourself and your children, and model uprightness and firmness and bravery and loyalty and honesty (don't ask me how you do those two at the same time - sigh) and compassion and forgiveness, with the help of a guardian angel and lots of prayer, things will come out in the end. The teen years are about where you have to admit that the only behaviour you can really control is your own and try to have enough self control to behave in a way that leaves you whole. Sigh. Some days I can manage to do that, and some days I am less than my best self and don't manage the quiet voice that turneth away wrath and the turn the other cheek and the walk a mile and the giving the cloak too and the do unto others bits very well. This probably isn't very helpful. All I can say is that occasionally, we have managed to talk to one other set of parents in a way that has been helpful, but that most of the time, it was not worth the price.

-nan

 

Thank you for sharing this.

[Sunshine State Sue]

I was watching Dr Phil the other day and he was saying that the decision making and predicting consequences part of their brains don't mature till their mid 20s. :001_huh: I may not last that long.

The Teen Brain: It's Just Not Grown Up Yet

[Faithr]

I don't know if I believe this about brain development. Or I think maybe society today is causing brain development to slow down in these areas. In the good old days kids were starting their lives much earlier than we do now. I was just learning about how Bach had his first job at age 15, way in another town from where he grew up. At 18 he was considered an expert in organ mechanics. This was far more typical in the olden days than today. I wonder if it doesn't have to do with our expectations and how slowly kids grow up in terms of authority, use of judgement and autonomy. Kids grow up really fast when it comes to other things like sex, but not in terms of responsibilities. Real responsibilities. So I'm thinking that Dr. Phil and all those others that are leaping on the bandwagon of this latest 'scientific' study are somehow reflecting our society's tendency to stretch adolescence out until 30 or so.

[Nan in Mass]

Thinking a bit more about this... I think that the fact that few people come up to me to tell me what my children are doing confirms my 85% statistic: almost everyone is going or has been through having teenagers and is grateful or has been grateful that the town was so quiet about it, at least to their faces. The people I am most the most wary of are the mothers of pre-teens; they are too entrenched in parenthood to remember their own teens but haven't yet lived through teen children. I also think this has something to do with your region's culture. I grew up in New England and am now living in New England with mostly New England people. "Oh, she's from California" or "Well, she's from New York" or "Well, you know, she's from the midwest" is offered as an explanation for strange behavior LOL. It sounds, judging from Beth in OH's insight, like the not-talking-about-teenagers-to-parents is something that may not be confined to New England, but we may have a more extreme version of it here. I know that many other cultures, globally, consider children community property and a community resource and everyone's business. I suspect that some churches and communities here have a subculture that views them this way, even if all the regions of the US in general are behaving the same. I don't know where you grew up and where you live now, Dragon, but if you grew up one place and then moved to another, the switch from intimately discussing toilet training details and temper tantrums to not discussing even really important things might be one of those things that feels very strange.

-Nan

[distancia]

Oh my! I thought I was the only one who does the cell phone check before climbing into bed. Or...how about the texts that are sent when you're asleep? Do they really think we're sitting there, staring at the phone, and waiting for a text? How about just coming home on time?! :glare:Yolanda

 

Same here!

 

------------------------

 

I had it up to here (top of head) with DD coming home late. Despite my pleas, nothing seemed to work.

 

So last weekend it was 2 am (to her credit, D had been sending me text updates throughout the night) and although I had INSISTED DD be home by 12:30 am, she was in absentia

 

So I locked the doors, all of them. Deadbolted the interior garage door to which she does not have the key. And I waited.

 

At 2:30 am the car rolls up, I can hear DD gently tapping on the door. Tapping on the window. Calling my cell phone. Texting me.

 

I continued to feign sleep.

 

Poor DD, she had to sleep in her car all night! No a/c, no comfy bed, a scrunched up t-shirt for a pillow. No bathroom.

 

Did I feel badly? Not a bit! Did DD learn? You betcha!

[posybuddy]

For me it isn't about embracing or not embracing, it's about watching them do really stupid, self-destructive things that are going come back and bite them in the rear in a very nasty way, and knowing that I can only do so much because they won't listen but have to learn the hard way. I am always there with the embrace, but it is still a very hard thing to watch. And sometimes they are busy rejecting the embrace! It hurts, it keeps you up at night, it has you whispering prayers for them as you drive around running errands, it has you feeling anxious when the phone rings late at night, it makes it hard to know what to say to them at times, it makes you question yourself and your abilities. My kids have only gone through mild aspects of what could be much darker, scarier stuff. But still tensions ran/run high and at times I feel like pulling my hair out. At times I feel rejected and disrespected. It can be a lot to get through.

 

 

Ohhhh. This.

 

Thank you so much for putting it into words. My daughter is physically burning a hole in my stomach. IRL I not only feel like the only one, but feel judged by the other parents around me, who all seem to have perfect, mild-mannered, halo-wearing teenagers. They look at me like, "if only you'd made her memorize Bible verses..."

 

:crying::crying::crying:

[May]

My dds were so easy when they were young and I admit I was pretty smug. Boy, if I only could have seen what was coming:001_huh: All of it does make for a very active prayer life:)

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I don't know where you grew up and where you live now, Dragon, but if you grew up one place and then moved to another, the switch from intimately discussing toilet training details and temper tantrums to not discussing even really important things might be one of those things that feels very strange.

-Nan

 

The discussions about babyhood and toddlerdom are rampant. It's when things get really rough that everyone becomes quiet.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Thinking a bit more about this... I think that the fact that few people come up to me to tell me what my children are doing confirms my 85% statistic: almost everyone is going or has been through having teenagers and is grateful or has been grateful that the town was so quiet about it, at least to their faces. -Nan

 

So more like "don't ask, don't tell"?

[Nan in Mass]

Yup. Even just saying "How is so-and-so doing?" is problematical. For one thing, whatever activity we've overlapped during may be one that I have chosen to do as an escape from my worry, and mentioning my children will remind me of my worries and make it seem like I count only as the mother of those children. Or I might take it as a tactful openning to spill off some of my worry or a tactful acknowledgement of the difficulties in my life and be glad you asked. The problem is predicting which is going to happen. For another thing, the question makes me have to choose between giving too much information or lieing, not always something I do well on the spur of the moment while I'm doing the math to decide which kind of coffee is cheapest this week. I don't mind if you call me at 2am asking if I know where your daughter is, but I definately would rather you didn't tell me that you were reading the police report in the paper last night and noticed that some teens were caught swimming in the reservoire 7:00pm and you saw my son park his car nearby at 6:30 and thought that I might want to know that he probably was involved. If I don't know, I will not appreciate being told by you (stupid protective mama reaction kicks in and unreasonable fury rises in me, or embarrassment and a strong wish for family privacy will take over, or I will wonder if you are asking out of goulish curiosity), and if I do know (more probable) then I am probably wishing that I never had to appear in public ever again and I will be grateful to you for pretending the elephant isn't really in the room with us. I deliberately picked true but less bothersome examples. Mine did swim in the reservoire, and it did show up in the police report, but we considered that a rather minor problem. And mothers did call wanting to know where there daughters were and I often could tell them, but that was only because my son almost always told us what he and his friends' plans were.

 

In an ideal world it wouldn't work this way.

 

Sigh.

 

-Nan

[justamouse]

I don't know if I believe this about brain development. Or I think maybe society today is causing brain development to slow down in these areas. In the good old days kids were starting their lives much earlier than we do now.

 

"The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers. ATTRIBUTION: Attributed to SOCRATES by Plato, according to William L. Patty and Louise S. Johnson, Personality and Adjustment, p. 277 (1953)."