How do you stand up for yourself without making things worse?

[ondreeuh]

DD (freshman, at public school) is having an issue with her partner in science class. DD is generally friends with everyone and has a pretty thick skin. If someone is having a bad day or saying things impulsively she doesn't take it personally. She has the reputation of being very nice and level-headed.

 

Her science class recently switched partners, and now she's with a girl who she's gone to school with for years but has never gotten to know. Some of her other friends are friendly with her, though. This girl, C, was previously partnered with two boys she's friends with and apparently is unhappy that she was moved. She is taking it out on Chloe and frankly being a big jerk. She talks loudly in an irritated voice and treats Chloe like she's an idiot. The other people at the table are uncomfortable.

 

Today was particularly bad and Chloe came home upset. She said the next time C talks to her like that, she's going to say, "I know I'm not the partner you want to have, but you need to treat me the way I deserve to be treated."

 

I don't think this is the best approach - this girl clearly doesn't care one bit whether she's treating people the way she should. Chloe's friends who know C better say "that's just how she is." They also say she is a spoiled brat and treats her own mother with scorn and gets away with it.

 

I told Chloe that it may make her feel better to say that, but it's probably not going to change anything. I suggested she tell C, "I know I'm not the partner you want to have, but I've been trying to work well with you. I can't work with you when you treat me like crap though, and everyone around us is wondering what your problem is. You don't have to love me but you can at least treat me with some respect."

 

There's a fine line between sticking up for yourself and "starting drama," but I don't think Chloe should just roll over and take it when this girl is clearly being a bully. Sigh. Any advice?

[Harriet Vane]

I think your girl has a good head on her shoulders. I don't see a lot of difference in her statement or yours. I say let her say what she feels best.

[simka2]

Those 2 statements sound very similar. Yours loops in more people, and I'm not too sure about that ;).

 

Otherwise in answer to the original question about making things worse. Their is no way to say if things won't get worse if she does nothing. All your dd can do is stand up for herself in a strong, but polite way. She has no control over the other girl. If it continues to be a problem, maybe they can divide the work and work silently?

[EJCMom]

I think what your dd wants to say sounds just fine. I actually don't see how it's that much different from your suggestion. Hers is just more succinct.

 

As to whether it will do any good, your dd has absolutely no control over that. All she can control is her own behavior. I think that if she were to say what she wants to say in a calm voice, and continue to be polite to the girl, she will have walked that fine line of standing up for herself, yet not intentionally creating drama. Hopefully the girl takes heed. But even if she doesn't, your dd will know that she did what she could do.

 

ETA: I definitely wouldn't suggest she bring the other people around them wondering what's wrong part. That could just make enemies of the other kids because then they feel dragged into a situation that isn't really their battle. KWIM?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think her statement is more objective and better.

[Garga]

 

"I know I'm not the partner you want to have, but you need to treat me the way I deserve to be treated."

 

"I know I'm not the partner you want to have, but I've been trying to work well with you. I can't work with you when you treat me like crap though, and everyone around us is wondering what your problem is. You don't have to love me but you can at least treat me with some respect."

 

 

Your dd's quote tells C what to do (YOU need to xxx)

 

Your quote tells C what C's actions are doing to your dd (I can't work when you xxx.)

 

That's the difference and it's a good one. But yours is too wordy.

 

Maybe, ""I know I'm not the partner you want to have, and I feel that you're taking it out on me. What can we do to make this easier for us both?" And then just wait and see what C says. She'll probably deny it to save face...but then maybe she'll stop her annoying behavior.

 

I don't know if my idea is any better than either of yours.

 

Oh--DO NOT have dd mention the other kids. I was a corporate trainer and received training on how to deal with difficult students in my class. They told us never (ever, ever) state that the difficult person is affecting the rest of the class. The difficult person will then turn to the class (right then, or else during a break) and ask, "Am I bothering you?" and most of them will turn into sheep and say, "No, no...we're ok..." making you look like a total fool and completely undermining your efforts to restore order in the class.

 

If your dd has a problem with C, then your dd should keep it between them. Let the rest of them deal with it (or not) on their own.

[Jeanne in MN]

DD

She said the next time C talks to her like that, she's going to say, "I know I'm not the partner you want to have, but you need to treat me the way I deserve to be treated."

 

but I've been trying to work well with you. I can't work with you when you treat me like crap though, and everyone around us is wondering what your problem is. You don't have to love me but you can at least treat me with some respect."

 

QUOTE]

 

Telling her "you need to treat me the way I deserve to be treated" could raise the other girl's dander. No one, especially a person in that state, wants to be told what they should do.

 

I'd say a combination of your and her responses might sound best. "I know I'm not the partner you want to have, but you can at least treat me with some respect so we can get our work accomplished."

 

Don't know that the girl would actually listen, but at least your dd would get it off her chest.

[Miss Sherry]

...... she's going to say, "I know I'm not the partner you want to have, but you need to treat me the way I deserve to be treated." .......

I suggested she tell C, "I know I'm not the partner you want to have, but I've been trying to work well with you. I can't work with you when you treat me like crap though, and everyone around us is wondering what your problem is. You don't have to love me but you can at least treat me with some respect."...............

 

 

I think she may want to say something like " ......but you need to treat me with respect" or something to that effect instead of "... but you need to treat me the way I deserve to be treated" simply because some people who are very selfish do not feel that others deserve to be treated with respect.

About some of what you suggested to say ".... and everyone around us is wondering what your problem is." I would suggest leaving that part completely out because that will likely only cause the other girl to feel ganged up on and that causes people to want to defend themselves. You don't want her to feel that your daughter is turning others against her and then resent your daughter even more.

[ondreeuh]

Thank you everyone!

 

Apparently yesterday C told one of Chloe's friends that Chloe was annoying. The friend told C that she didn't think Chloe was, and I don't know if that took the wind out of C's sails, but during science today she was civil. Chloe didn't need to say anything to her, but I will share what you all said in case it comes up again.

[mcconnellboys]

I like your way better. But I wouldn't say "you *can* at least treat me with some respect". I'd say you WILL treat me with respect or refrain from speaking to me at all. If your non-communication causes a problem for the group, then we'll take it up with the teacher.....