How do you get dh to try to understand or at least acknowledge special needs?

[rafiki]

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[merry gardens]

Dh wasn't on board with homeschooling. He met me half way because we started out with a cyber school. We were with them for 3 years, then moved out of state. He agreed to let me continue traditionally. Dh now has a new job and his office is in our home, although he's in and out and his schedule varies. So he sees bits and pieces. He's always refused to accept the kids have hypotonia (as do I). Food allergies he was slow to accept until he witnessed an anaphylactic reaction. I connected dots and figured out the ADD/Dyslexia this past spring (realizing I have it too), dh isn't open to learning about it. He thinks I "cater" to the kid's learning styles/needs too much and that everyone has weaknesses and just has to deal with them. It's frustrating for me to not only be juggling the three kids and their issues, but for dh not to be willing to accept the possibility. We also have had a series of bad doctoring experiences and he won't agree to spend the money for evaluations.

 

We have a great marriage, he is a very hands on and involved father, he helps around the house, provides for our family, we talk for hours, but we agree to disagree on this. Any advice or encouragement?

I can talk for hours about dyslexia, but I have had to realize that my dh cannot or does not want to listen to me talking about dyslexia for hours.

 

That's why I spend time with all you lovely people over here chatting about dyslexia. :D

 

In one matter, your dh is right. Everyone has weaknesses, and we do have to learn to deal with our own weaknesses. The rest of the world will not cater to our children in the same way that a loving mother does. Dads can help balance out many moms' tendency to overprotect and pamper. Children needs both pampering and pushing.

 

A child with severe food allergies or a learning disability has more to learn to deal with. You can continue to help your children learn to deal with their weaknesses by teaching them according to their learning styles while your husband continues to push them to overcome their weaknesses. The two of you together will help your children be the best that they can be.

 

My husband acknowledges that our son has dyslexia--and we've both come to realize that my dh has dyslexia also. Part of what your husband is going through in not wanting a diagnosis for your child might relate to his own struggles and weaknesses that he may have worked hard to overcome. You keep telling him that his children aren't perfectly normal, and you think there's something wrong with them.

 

I've thought before about starting a thread about how learning disabilities and special needs affect the parents' marriage. It's very frustrating when my own dh doesn't want to "audio-process" all my ramblings about what's bothering me. I've had to come to terms that audio-processing is difficult for dh too. :bigear:

[PrincessAriel]

I think it takes time. I know one thing that finally clicked for my dh in recognizing ds's ADHD and other issues was ds's performance in baseball. He was concerned about the inattention on the baseball field. I told him that is what I deal with every. day. all. day. He was much more on board with our last evaluation and was receptive to the doctor's findings and suggestions. Prior to that he thought I was just trying to find things wrong with our children.:001_smile:

[Renee in NC]

My dh was an absolute believer once we put our 9yo on meds for ADD.

 

Other than that, he is very concerned about all the labels. He thinks that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses and it doesn't mean something is "wrong" with them. However, he was fine with catering to their particular needs when they are young, but he was pretty insistant that ds 12 "suck it up" (basically.) I will say in that instance, he was mostly right.;)

[LizzyBee]

Even if your dh isn't on board with getting evaluations, will he let you make curriculum choices that will help your kids succeed? There is a lot you can do without an official diagnosis. Earobics for auditory discrimination, LiPS for phonemic awareness, Barton or Wilson for reading and spelling, Visualizing and Verbalizing or Ideachain for comprehension; these are just a fraction of what is available to parents now.

 

If you haven't read The Mislabeled Child, I highly recommend it. It has lots of good, practical information. The Eides also have some DVDs available on Amazon now. I haven't seen them yet, but they are getting good reviews.

 

I really like what Merry Gardens said about you and your dh's approaches balancing each other. That is a good way to look at it.

Edited October 7, 2010 by LizzyBee

[VinNY]

I can so relate to what Merry Garden and all have wrote. My husband and 3 other brothers all struggled with school. They are not the most eloquent speakers, most of the time I can't understand my husband or his brothers especially over the phone. My husband needs TV and movies because reading isn't pleasurable for him yet he loves when I read aloud to him. He usually messes up bringing home packaged items if they changed the color on the label (he doesn't naturally read the label). :glare: Yet I love our relationship. We are so opposite. Yes I am frustrated teaching some of our kids. I think there was a point it was damaging us because I wanted quick fixes and labels to somehow make my life easier or place the blame somewhere else. But all my talking to him about it, made him feel it was another thing wrong with his family. This isn't what I wanted to happen..SO I needed to focus on what a great family he has and how without intervention, these guys proved themselves to be worthy and good husbands and providers. Meanwhile, my husband loves my nutty family with all the ADD, fast talkers etc and wouldn't change that for the world. :001_smile:

 

I think it is just tough wearing all the hats sometimes and just having faith that we are doing all we can for the kids.

 

You know I have gotten a lot of encouragement from Dr. Rosner's book. I know I may be going off topic but it maybe of some help to know..I will quote:

"What kind of teacher is best for the learning disabled child? What are the characteristics of a teacher who will be most effective with him?

Odd as it may sound, the best kind of teacher for this type is one who tends to be pedantic (in a benign sense) rather than stimulating-someone who is patient, explains things slowly and adequately, and clarifies the explanation if necessary; someone who accepts the fact that the child will have bad days as well as good days, days when it appears that here is no hope.

In addition, this teacher must know her craft and be secure enough to persist for more than a week or two with the instructional approach she knows to be correct.

And finally, this teacher must be able to motivate the child, gain his trust, and inspire his continued effort in the face of periodic failure.

The kind of knowledge and skills they have are not acquired in teacher preparation programs; they are the outcome of repeated experiences that are instructive because the teacher was motivated to learn, to profit from her mistakes, to analyze her successes, and to become a teacher. "

[rafiki]

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[Paisley Hedgehog]

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[rafiki]

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[rafiki]

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[Dobela]

I don't have any answers, but I do have a friend struggling with the same thing. They have a son that is very much on the Asperger/Autism spectrum but her dh doesn't want a formal evaluation because a psychologist told him it would prevent their son from being a police officer or in the military. Her dh doesn't want to limit him in any way so now he is refusing the evals. He does acknowledge that his son has different needs, but that is where it ends. He is also an amazing involved loving dad who supports their homeschooling.

[LizzyBee]

Yes, he completely leaves curriculum choices up to me and has never said anything about the finances there. His only request is that the kids test yearly, which they have.

 

We currently use the ITBS/CogAt. I'm wondering if there may be a better test to help me understand how to teach them, how they process info, etc. that I could use this year instead? What is the "ideal" test for a special needs student that can be given at home?

 

The ITBS is what I've primarily used as well. We've used the Woodcock Johnson too, but you have to use a certified tester and it's more expensive. My mildly dyslexic dd tests much better on the IOWA than the WJ.

 

My 9 yo has only done the WJ; my concern with the IOWA is that I'd have to read it to her, and she'd look at me to confirm whether she was marking the right answer or not, and my face would give it away. Until she's reading closer to grade level, I'd rather have someone else test her.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

our son has asperger's and my hubby just this weekend realized it was on the autism spectrum......

[RamonaQ]

My dh was in denial for a long time about ds's dyslexia-- very much in the wait-and-see, he will mature and it will get better, and not wanting to involve others. Finally, I realized that he was worried that ds would be mis-labeled and medicated. So having conversations about why and what his fears were become a very helpful in-road. I also realized that likely dh was (undiagnosed) dyslexic, and indeed he has "matured and things did get better".

 

It was helpful to talk about, why, as ds's teacher, I needed more information about how to help him because I really don't know what it is like. It was also helpful to see that dh could have very valuable input about teaching methods, curriculum, etc...

 

I will say, dh is very supportive of homeschooling, and will talk about the benefit. But it was helpful for dh to hear one of our friends, a ps teacher who works with dyslexic kids, say how inadequate ps are for helping these kids, and how little progress they do make.

 

I guess, my only advice is in keeping the conversations going, it may take years.