Rant/hurt/ want christians to learn love instead of judgement

[Trish]

Well, since everybody is judged on their appearance in one way or another, and we're ALL subject to it, whether Christian, non-Christian, atheist or whatever, how exactly is the OP's child different from anyone else on the planet?

 

Agreed, it is difficult during adolescence to discover that the "inner you" is not always valued independently of how you look, but it's somewhat unrealistic to think otherwise. Even if you can find a group of kids to value you for "you" alone, the rest of society is still going to be out there making value judgments based on appearance.

 

Sometimes it's because they're cruel, and OFTENTIMES it's because they're busy! Visual cues are like shorthand.

 

I know everyone should take the time to get to know everyone else and not judge them on any basis whatsoever, but sometimes Real Life interferes.

[....]

I totally agree. (and I love Bonhoeffer, too) This is an American thing-these rules and fundamentalist fissions within the church. We need to revisit who Christ is.

 

A great book I've been reading is JESUS MANIFESTO by Viola and Sweet. Basically a wake up call reminding the church who Christ is.

 

Hey, thanks for the recommendation! I'm going to google that one later. It really is a fascinating subject. :D My sister was raving about Joyce Meyer's Hearing the Voice of God and I was skeptical. :tongue_smilie: I'm reading that book right now - just to check it out - and there was a chapter that massively hit home. lol! It's a good read. She also talks about how we get too bogged down in religion, religious rules and don't pay attention to God's voice (as individuals).

[In2why]

Without having words put in my mouth, it is simply because I do not want that type of influence on my children. The boy made a decision, fine, that decision means that people will look at him in a certain way. I am one of them. I do not find such piercings to be acceptable and would not want my children associating with such individuals.

 

Yes...he may be a great kid, but that is not the point. I find his choices wrong. There is no hatred here, no mocking, no snide comments about bras or bangs, simply a statement that I do want that mode of dress around my children.

 

Those who demand acceptance of this boy appear unable to accept my view. Interesting don't you think?

 

 

It is easy to mock your choices because a decision to shun someone based on what they decide to wear is hurtful. His choice to wear whatever doesn't hurt anyone. There is a world of difference.

[Audrey]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Not all Christians are like that. I know, when you are in the middle of a bombardment of ignorance and bitterness, that it seems like they're all like that, but they're not. I know this for a fact. I have met some wonderful, compassionate Christians. They even accept ME of all people.

 

Look elsewhere. They're out there. I promise. :grouphug:

[Imprimis]

To the op: I am so very sorry you and your son are upset and saddened by others' perception of him because of his appearance.

 

I find it unfortunate that people will read so much (wrongly) into how a teen outfits himself/herself.

 

Please don't let a few people cause this much strife for you. There are plenty of people who can see past the "cover."

 

:grouphug: to both you and your son.

Edited October 5, 2010 by Imprimis

[Miss Sherry]

Unfortunately we cannot control the actions or attitudes of others. In our christian life, we can decide whether or not we will behave and have the attitude that God wants us to have but what others do is not for us to control. In these instances, of your son being rejected by others, you can help him to choose NOT to become bitter and to forgive those who have offended him. I suggest doing a Bible study on forgiveness. You could use http://www.biblegateway.com and look up every verse you can find on forgiveness. Since what your son is experiencing is a lack of love towards him from these other people ( maybe not on purpose ) this is a good reminder for your son to be thinking about what can he do in his life to be all about loving others. If he continues to focus on how others are letting him down, instead of looking for ways to serve and love others himself, he will likely become bitter and selfish. There are lots of people who would love a visit from your son - elderly shut in people, hospitalized children, hungry people being served food for the homeless, and the list goes on.

 

Take this rejection your son has experienced and use it to help him to think how he can actively be someone to serve someone else who needs some loving human attention. That will turn him into a happy person with a sense of purpose, rather than someone that could go down the path of rejecting Christianity based on nursing a grudge that turned into bitterness.

Most of us could be bitter about something. Choose to forgive and serve others instead. :001_smile:

 

 

 

 

I love Jesus and am a born again Christian and also home school but honestly am so tired of judgmental, isolationist, legalistic "Christian" that continue to hurt my son. I am so hurt for him and so tired of all of them. He is totally turning his back on Christianity because of these families.

 

He is a loving, caring, gentle, poetic musical type kids. He loves people but honestly he can't keep "home school" friends because their parent don't approve of him. These aren't little kids but junior and senior kids that can't befriend a fellow 17 yo who is allowed to choose his own music, own hair, and oh gasp he got his tongue pierced. They consider him "evil" a bad influence or whatever.

 

My son likes the skinny jeans and clean t shirts (no evil) advertise on him. He wears his hair with long bangs. He plays guitar and likes heavy mental but he doesn't play music with bad lyrics or messages.

 

He actually has made friends with secular home school kids/family but the families live over a hour from us. I think the irony for all the Christan community is my kids feels more welcome and loved by a group of people that don't believe in Jesus and his message. Then I see what we have put with and now I know why the Christan Message is consider hypocrisy by the world

 

:rant:

[Denisemomof4]

 

To me, it's just sad all the way around. When a believer tries to back out of a conversation and is answered with a "good" or a "thank you" where is the grace in that? Why do we treat each other that way? IMO, it's no better than the judgement the OPs son is facing.:(

 

Well, I don't take back what I say and I don't care if it was harsh. My ds was scarred, perhaps forever, by the judgmental Christians in the church, those who ignored his beautiful heart to judge his changed appearance. I'm thankful not to be around people like that now, and I'm thankful the judgmental person who offended more than one person bowed out of the thread.

 

This strikes a personal cord with me. Maybe if one of your kids experienced this treatment, you'd view it differently.

 

Thanking someone for leaving a thread when they offended many posters is not bad treatment IMO.

[Lawana]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Not all Christians are like that. I know, when you are in the middle of a bombardment of ignorance and bitterness, that it seems like they're all like that, but they're not. I know this for a fact. I have met some wonderful, compassionate Christians. They even accept ME of all people.

 

Look elsewhere. They're out there. I promise. :grouphug:

Thank you for your post. It meant a lot to me.

[CAMom]

Thanking someone for leaving a thread when they offended many posters is not bad treatment IMO.

 

Fair enough. I just don't get how we want others to show grace but we don't want to show grace.

 

We cry hypocrite of others but isn't that hypocritical as well?:confused:

 

I am not minimizing the hurt others have endured. I've endured it, too.:grouphug:

[justamouse]

Yes - it can absolutely impact faith. As a matter of fact - this sort of behavior (among other things) caused me to question my faith and do a lot of soul searching and research.

I'm now a diest.

I have also been told that because I read Harry Potter I am a Satanist who will go to - uh - well - somewhere very hot - by women who hold themselves in high esteem.

 

I know what you're talking about. Well, *patsthebench* you can sit right here, next to me.

[justamouse]

Hey, thanks for the recommendation! I'm going to google that one later. It really is a fascinating subject. :D My sister was raving about Joyce Meyer's Hearing the Voice of God and I was skeptical. :tongue_smilie: I'm reading that book right now - just to check it out - and there was a chapter that massively hit home. lol! It's a good read. She also talks about how we get too bogged down in religion, religious rules and don't pay attention to God's voice (as individuals).

 

You know, I used to follow her, then stopped (back when I left everything Christian and started over from scratch). I'll have to pick this up.

[Retired]

I have read through most of the comments and really appreciate the support and expected the other judgment. I needed somewhere to talk as my local (not real friends seem to be drying up)

 

I was raised in a legalistic Christian home and my parents ruled and conformed me into their version of what a mature Christian person is suppose to look like. I didn't have Jesus in my heart back then and rebelled into dangerous stuff.

 

My son is 17 and has been taught to think and make choices for himself. He has to work out his own salvation. He research the tongue piercing and I did counsel him on his choice and that he may be shunned. He thought the piercing looks good and really wanted the thing. He doesn't do drugs doesn't' like tattoos, doesn't drink and still a virgin. He volunteers at a blind and death school equestrian ranch. I could go on and on. This is a good kid that is trying to figure out the world. He is not a 40 year old Christian and honestly shouldn't be dressing and acting like his father. He should be 17

 

I am sorry for those upright Christians that would shun my son. I want to give you a clue just because your kid sits in Church, sings in the choir, dresses to your choosing doesn't mean in his heart he/she isn't rebelling. Your kid is just buying his time to he gets out.

 

I have (had) a friend who sounded like you that have judge my son, well her newly graduated home school son moved in with a girl he just met, does pot, and who knows what else., She didn't allow the young man to think or make decision for himself. Guess what he told me that it felt great to show them all (big rebellion) he even married the girl after knowing her for 4 months and invited his mother Church people, knowing they wouldn't approve. They served wine and other stuff and he knew it was a in your face to the church.

 

My son is a little lonely because of the decision about the piercing but it has brought us even closer because I respected him like the young adult he is becoming and allowed him to make the decision with its potential consequences.

 

I appreciate those fellow Christan that saw the heart of my post. My son wants to be accepted for his creative (yes different) The other kids think its cool and everyone of them said they would never do it so it wasn't him encouraging or anything it was Christian parents afraid to actually do the tuft parenting. THE PARENTS ARE STOPPING THE FRIENDSHIP. THE KIDS STILL LIKE HIM AND LOVE HIM AND JUST SAY HE IS JUST BEING DY(nickname) The kids get my son and his creativity and consider him a sweet loving friend.

 

The home school parent seems to want the easy parenting, we will keep them away from everything that looks or believe different from us. These are not impressionable little kids these are young men and women fixing to go out into the world.

 

I am praying because more than 1 kid has walked a way from Christ because of judgmental Christian instead of ones that see these young people as someone searching for their own identity and developing their own convictions. They are at a age they start questioning what religion their parents have taught them and decide to accept or reject.

 

I also pray that the parents in my group remember this boy they have known and get over their own prejudice.

 

 

My son right now his really finding Christianity lacking.

 

ALSO WANTED TO ADD HE CHOSE THE TONGUE PIERCING BECAUSE IT IS THE LEAST NOTICEABLE AND CAN BE REMOVED FOR WORK. HE does know to dress conservative for work, Church, and look mainstream conservative.

Edited October 5, 2010 by Cafelattee
added

[freetobeme]

you know, i have been all over the map in my christianity and i have to say, i hope i am raising my children like you have raised your son.

i wish we knew each others' families. . .you rock!

[CAMom]

:grouphug: to you and your son, OP. I wish none of us had to be impacted by the sin and immaturity of others. It hurts.:grouphug:

[LittleHouseHomeschool]

:grouphug: to you and your son, OP. I wish none of us had to be impacted by the sin and immaturity of others. It hurts.:grouphug:

 

This is exactly what I was trying to get to the heart of when I posted. Sometimes we are hurt by the lack of maturity in older people. And it was in that context that I cited the passage in 1 Corinthians. I was terribly hurt as a new believer by older believers who tried to use me as a trophy Christian. How mature was that? But I learned a wonderful lesson and count that time as a blessing in a difficult dress. <g>

 

That said, I don't know if that was the case (that the older people were immature)...and so only the OP can decide if 1 Corinthians applies. It may or may not apply to this context. There are always two sides of a story, so I do not want to judge myself. Nor have I done an indepth study of what the Word says about piercings, tattoos and the like.

 

A kid should be able to be a kid, in a perfect world. Sadly, we don't live in a perfect world. We live in a fallen world.

 

There is one thing that is certain here. This situation, though extremely trying, will teach the OP's son to be a stronger, more mature Christian in the long run. God has a beautiful plan for him! To the OP, I encourage you to keep encouraging him...strengthen his faith with your words, help him grow through it, pressing on in the upward call of Christ. His relationship with Jesus has NOTHING to do with people. People will always hurt other people. God will never hurt him.

 

The Word tells us all throughout the New Testament that there is a cost to following Jesus and that there will be trouble, trials and persecution of various sorts. Help him hang in there, Mom. With God's help, you will do a great job.

 

God bless you

[Trish]

Even if Christians fail your son, there will be other groups of people who accept him for who he is.

[NavyWifeandMommy]

:iagree: okay I don't have teens yet but can relate.

[Mejane]

I am sorry for those upright Christians that would shun my son.

 

 

 

Yup. Sounds like it's definitely their loss, not his. :grouphug:

[simka2]

I have read through most of the comments and really appreciate the support and expected the other judgment. I needed somewhere to talk as my local (not real friends seem to be drying up)

 

I was raised in a legalistic Christian home and my parents ruled and conformed me into their version of what a mature Christian person is suppose to look like. I didn't have Jesus in my heart back then and rebelled into dangerous stuff.

 

My son is 17 and has been taught to think and make choices for himself. He has to work out his own salvation. He research the tongue piercing and I did counsel him on his choice and that he may be shunned. He thought the piercing looks good and really wanted the thing. He doesn't do drugs doesn't' like tattoos, doesn't drink and still a virgin. He volunteers at a blind and death school equestrian ranch. I could go on and on. This is a good kid that is trying to figure out the world. He is not a 40 year old Christian and honestly shouldn't be dressing and acting like his father. He should be 17

 

I am sorry for those upright Christians that would shun my son. I want to give you a clue just because your kid sits in Church, sings in the choir, dresses to your choosing doesn't mean in his heart he/she isn't rebelling. Your kid is just buying his time to he gets out.

 

I have (had) a friend who sounded like you that have judge my son, well her newly graduated home school son moved in with a girl he just met, does pot, and who knows what else., She didn't allow the young man to think or make decision for himself. Guess what he told me that it felt great to show them all (big rebellion) he even married the girl after knowing her for 4 months and invited his mother Church people, knowing they wouldn't approve. They served wine and other stuff and he knew it was a in your face to the church.

 

My son is a little lonely because of the decision about the piercing but it has brought us even closer because I respected him like the young adult he is becoming and allowed him to make the decision with its potential consequences.

 

I appreciate those fellow Christan that saw the heart of my post. My son wants to be accepted for his creative (yes different) The other kids think its cool and everyone of them said they would never do it so it wasn't him encouraging or anything it was Christian parents afraid to actually do the tuft parenting. THE PARENTS ARE STOPPING THE FRIENDSHIP. THE KIDS STILL LIKE HIM AND LOVE HIM AND JUST SAY HE IS JUST BEING DY(nickname) The kids get my son and his creativity and consider him a sweet loving friend.

 

The home school parent seems to want the easy parenting, we will keep them away from everything that looks or believe different from us. These are not impressionable little kids these are young men and women fixing to go out into the world.

 

I am praying because more than 1 kid has walked a way from Christ because of judgmental Christian instead of ones that see these young people as someone searching for their own identity and developing their own convictions. They are at a age they start questioning what religion their parents have taught them and decide to accept or reject.

 

I also pray that the parents in my group remember this boy they have known and get over their own prejudice.

 

 

My son right now his really finding Christianity lacking.

 

ALSO WANTED TO ADD HE CHOSE THE TONGUE PIERCING BECAUSE IT IS THE LEAST NOTICEABLE AND CAN BE REMOVED FOR WORK. HE does know to dress conservative for work, Church, and look mainstream conservative.

 

Good job momma!!! For your son...being a follower of Christ and being a church member are not always the same thing. I know many wonderful Christians who do not attend church regulary!!! Now, if you can find a wonderful accepting church...YEAH!!!!!

[Danestress]

http://www.ncsl.org/default.aspx?tabid=14393

 

Not only would I not allow my child to keep the "hardware" if I knew about it, but I would report the piercer so fast his head would spin.

 

That said, I did allow my son to pierce his ear when he wanted - under age but it was legal with parental permission.

 

Sure. Our kids will do all kinds of things that we won't know about - it can definitely happen. Its hard, though, for kids to reject other kids based on things that can't be seen, and I think it's pretty likely that the kid who is bragging about piercing his genitals will become the talk of the town so that the parents probably will know. Many teens actually do tell their parents a lot of stuff, and It think mine would possibly tell me if another kid did that, and I would possibly make sure the parents were aware, under certain circumstances.

[Trish]

Bottom line is, the more you look like Jesus, the less certain types of Christian groups will accept you.

 

;)

[Sophia]

 

The home school parent seems to want the easy parenting, we will keep them away from everything that looks or believe different from us. These are not impressionable little kids these are young men and women fixing to go out into the world.

 

I am praying because more than 1 kid has walked a way from Christ because of judgmental Christian instead of ones that see these young people as someone searching for their own identity and developing their own convictions. They are at a age they start questioning what religion their parents have taught them and decide to accept or reject.

 

I also pray that the parents in my group remember this boy they have known and get over their own prejudice.

 

 

My son right now his really finding Christianity lacking.

 

 

 

As a homeschool parent who knows "easy parenting" is an oxymoron ;), I just have to respond.

I agree with you that many youth are leaving the church, however that has more to do with a discipleship issue (or lack thereof) than anything else.

I also agree that our teens are young men and women preparing to enter the world. As young men and women, they are capable of so much...which is why I don't understand this focus on the "judgemental Christians" as if our teens are incapable of growing and owning their faith in their presence.

 

I am no stranger to your situation; our circumstances are different, but last year our family bore the brunt of judgement.

We enrolled our eldest son in a co-op that relieved me of all homeschooling responsibilities with him (just for the year, he's back home now so don't judge me ;). Our very close friends judged us for that and the friendship~while not completely over~has been forever changed.

 

Because ds is secure in who he is in Christ this judgement rolled off his back...as it should. At no time did he think their poor behavior changed the fact that he was born a sinner and that Christ died for him.

Our kids are fully capable of getting that and to not help them understand that is really doing them a great disservice.

 

I understand feelings were hurt...mine were really hurt by our friends' reactions...but to say because some Christians don't approve of us is reason enough to reject the gospel is just ...wrong. (I know...awkward sentence/distracted here and gotta go.)

[Liz CA]

While it has not happened in my family it unfortunately happens a lot.

I will take your post as the proverbial kick in the ... and make a diligent effort to speak to young people who may seem a bit different in their looks than the average Joe. I am so sorry that you cannot find someone who looks at the heart and not the outward appearance. Our youth group leader would welcome him with open arms but this does not help you.

Can you search for a more accepting church family? There would likely be more homeschooling families there as well.

[snipsnsnailsx5]

Personally I like to teach my boys to be accepting and loving of all.

There is no fine print (that I'm aware of) underneath "Love Thy Neighbor" that says, "unless he has long hair, extra piercings, and weird clothes".

 

I am LDS, and we have a guideline of how to dress I guess you could say? However the guideline is more in line with being modest (which I totally agree with) and treating our body as something special and sacred -which usually means no tattoos or extra piercings. (I'm a recent, 2 yr, convert to the church so maybe other members of the church can help clarify more...)

THAT said...I've seen several tattoos in just in our local church. No one shuns them.

In fact, our Bishop's son likes to wear long hair and skinny jeans. He's into the whole punk thing I guess? I don't know.

 

I would not ban my child from befriending a kid with long hair, different kind of clothes, and an extra piercing or two (or more).

Rather, what I'd do is get to know the kid first - meet his parents and have him over to the house where I can see how he behaves...before I decide.

Really I think that's a good idea for ANY new friendship, because like another poster before said...a clean-cut looking "nice" boy may not be very nice at all...

Just going to church doesn't make you Christian.

[pqr]

It is easy to mock your choices because a decision to shun someone based on what they decide to wear is hurtful. His choice to wear whatever doesn't hurt anyone. There is a world of difference.

 

 

I am under no obligation to associate with anyone else simply because not doing so may be hurtful. If somebody makes a choice to behave in a certain manner then it is reasonable to expect others to react to this behavior. If I find that the behavior or judgement of an individual is not something I want my children associated with then it is high arrogance to dismiss my values and standards simply to assuage the feelings of a teen.

 

Remember I am not imposing my values and standards on anyone outside my family, I am simply having my children avoid those who display judgement and behavior that do not meet my standards.

Edited October 6, 2010 by pqr

[simka2]

"Love with His hands, See with His eyes. Bind it around you, Let it never leave you. And they will know us by our love."

 

This was on a fb friends status and I thought it was fitting ;)

[asta]

Bottom line is, the more you look like Jesus, the less certain types of Christian groups will accept you.

 

;)

 

:iagree:

[LG Gone Wild]

As a homeschool parent who knows "easy parenting" is an oxymoron ;), I just have to respond.

I agree with you that many youth are leaving the church, however that has more to do with a discipleship issue (or lack thereof) than anything else.

I also agree that our teens are young men and women preparing to enter the world. As young men and women, they are capable of so much...which is why I don't understand this focus on the "judgemental Christians" as if our teens are incapable of growing and owning their faith in their presence.

 

I am no stranger to your situation; our circumstances are different, but last year our family bore the brunt of judgement.

We enrolled our eldest son in a co-op that relieved me of all homeschooling responsibilities with him (just for the year, he's back home now so don't judge me ;). Our very close friends judged us for that and the friendship~while not completely over~has been forever changed.

 

Because ds is secure in who he is in Christ this judgement rolled off his back...as it should. At no time did he think their poor behavior changed the fact that he was born a sinner and that Christ died for him.

Our kids are fully capable of getting that and to not help them understand that is really doing them a great disservice.

 

I understand feelings were hurt...mine were really hurt by our friends' reactions...but to say because some Christians don't approve of us is reason enough to reject the gospel is just ...wrong. (I know...awkward sentence/distracted here and gotta go.)

 

Ditto. :iagree:

 

BTW, it's probably not just Christians looking askance at OP's son. Everybody is judging him for good and bad.

 

Body art and odd styles do look ridiculous as if one's own personality and conduct are not enough one must adopt these superficial markings.....but so what? ETA: It seems to be the style for mature adults and young adults (all respectable) to look like thugs. Maybe 20 years from now the pop culture style will have most people looking like medieval court jesters. Bring on the pantaloons!

 

I identify myself as a conservative Roman Catholic but unless you KNEW me, you would never know it. And so I am sure that I'm judged badly by all kinds of Christians and it totally doesn't matter to me. We are all going to die anyway. Something about removing the beam from one's own eye before worrying about somebody else's splinter...I am not going to let tittle tattle prevent me from trying to get through the pearly gates. OP's son ought not to either.

Edited October 7, 2010 by LG Gone Wild