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Would you take a look at this letter to family to assure them we are not truant?


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YES!! If she makes you nervous to do school, don't do while she is visiting. One of the perks of homeschooling is more time with family (even the members who drive us bonkers ;)). Let them spend more time with grandma, maybe schedule a field trip to a park or childrens' museum.

 

I've been homeschooling for six full years and I enjoy my MIL when we can see her. However, she intimidates me! She is ubber smart and I would never attempt to teach a lesson with her in our midst.

 

Phew! Good ideas. I just don't think it would work out to even try. She was so livid last attempt. My MIL once threw a fit when the boys were little because they were cutting and pasting some old mags and ds pasted a helicopter on his paper. I wrote helicopter under the pic. She went off about how it should be hellicopter! Later she said she couldn't find a dict. in the whole house (to prove me wrong.) It had been on the side table by the couch her whole visit and that's where it always is. I just smiled and didn't say a word. :glare:

Edited by mommyjen
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NO NO NO!

 

DO NOT do this!

 

First of all, you are sort of lying -- you are NOT pleased about their interest! You are irritated, defensive, and just trying to make peace, sort of.

 

Second of all, by opening up a discussion of what you are using, you are inviting them to comment! You DO NOT want that! My first instinct when I read your note was to think -- 'no formal history? what? why not? slacker - her oldest is 7! why not!?' . . . I don't even DO separate geography, but that was my response to your 'no formal geography' sectionm as well! And, this is coming from a hs'ing mom who frequently tells people to skip non-essentials during stressful times! If I were a non-hs'ing judgmental MIL, OMG, what a mess.

 

I would NOT send anything remotely like this! Personally, I think it is a really bad idea. I think it would be MUCH better to learn the 'pass the bean dip' peace making technique. It'll solve this problem and be so useful in life in general.

 

If you want to reassure them and you really, really, really insist on doing this. . .

 

Perhaps sth more like:

 

'Dearest family,

 

John & I appreciate how concerned you are about my health and how much you love us and our kids. We know it is hard to watch our family struggle with my health concerns, and that you wish our lives would always be easy and perfect in every way. We so appreciate the love and care you show us. I am sure that you might think our lives would be easier if we put the kids in 'normal school', and we do appreciate your concern.

 

We have heard your suggestions about putting the kids in 'normal school', and we know this suggestion is made in love.

 

Please know that we consider these important parenting decisions -- such as schooling choices -- carefully, with much thought, introspection, and consideration of every family member's needs. We have decided that hs'ing is the right thing for our family, now and for the foreseeable future. We will reconsider this as time goes on and the kids' needs evolve. For now, we feel strongly that this is the right choice for each member of our family, despite the extra challenges we currently face.

 

We are always delighted to share with you what we are doing in our homsechool. The kids each would enjoy skyping with you, exchanging emails or photos, etc to share their learning. If you just let them know you are interested, I am quite sure they'd be thrilled to include you!

 

It would be great writing practice for them to exchange old fashioned letters, so feel free to drop them each a line asking about what they are learning! They'd each be ecstatic to get their very own mail!

 

Josie's favorite subject this year is biology (just ask her about bears or the artic!!), and Bobby's favorite subject is math (just ask him about long division!!). Of course, little Jenny is still too young for formal school, but she'd love to be included in letter writing -- and she adores listening to books -- her favorite lately is Little House, Big Woods, so just ask her about that and she'll dictate a loooongg letter to me, and I'll have her illustrate it!

 

We trust that you respect our parenting and judgment enough that you will accept and support our parenting decisions, including our decision to continue our wonderful homeschooling journey in the coming year. I am sure you understand that your support is more important than ever during this challenging time. We love you and we appreciate your concerns.

 

We do request that you do not bring up schooling decisions (or other serious adult decisions) around the children. If you feel the need to discuss a serious parenting decision with us, please let us know so we can find a time to sit down privately as adults to hear your concerns. We respect you enough that we are willing to hear you.

 

With Love,

Your Irritated but Gracious DIL

 

SO, that is the letter I would send. It is as diplomatic as I can get. Note, however, that I once went over two years w/o exchanging more than 10 words with my MIL & FIL b/c I am NOT very diplomatic by nature. For that reason, I would definitely prefer the Pass the Bean Dip option b/c anytime you open a door to communication, you run a risk of disaster. (So, you have to ask yourself if you WANT that door open with these folks.)

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I agree, do NOT send the letter.....on the 'hellicopter' issue, you've got a very opinionated, threatened mil...don't feed her fury, ANY letter you send will be turned around into a piece of evidence to support any and all of her ideas...if she asks, be polite and kind...don't let your frustration and need to be 'approved & accepted' by them rule your actions...

 

These are your children, and I strongly believe any communication on this subject should be b/w your husband and his mother not you....men like to lay low and not discuss..but there may come a time when he needs to ...so go ahead and have those discussions now so it doesn't cause strife b/w you and him in the future..

 

Stay strong, don't give your fears any value until they're real and not what if's...most the time these mil's are all talk and that's what keeps their day interesting, today it's your homeschooling, tomorrow it'll be the neighbor's suspicious trash at the curb..

 

Tara

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YES!! If she makes you nervous to do school, don't do while she is visiting. One of the perks of homeschooling is more time with family (even the members who drive us bonkers ;)). Let them spend more time with grandma, maybe schedule a field trip to a park or childrens' museum.

 

 

:iagree: We never try to home-school with company of any sort. Even under the best of circumstances, company is distracting.

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This! Thanks for helping me think this through and that is spot on. Last time MIL was visiting I was so nervous about h'sing in front of her, but I decided to do a art lesson from Artistic Pursuits with the children. How much trouble could I get myself into with that? She literally was snorting in the other room and was so visibly upset. I didn't ask why. I have no clue if she thinks I'm inadequate to teach a 6 and 5 yo (at the time) art??? I don't know what I'm gonna do next visit. Take time off school?

 

Uh.....I could tell you what I would have said to her after the snort. :lol:

 

But seriously, why are these people allowed to express so much dissatisfaction with you and how you choose to live your life? I would simply tell my MIL the next time she spouted off, that the subject is not up for discussion and that if you want or need her opinion on it....you'll let her know. Otherwise, she needs to keep her yammer shut. Also, make sure she understands you are NOT asking her to keep quiet about homeschooling in your home and around your children, you are telling her. Otherwise, the kiddos don't get to spend time with grandma. If you can't do this....it's your dh's job. He needs to let his family know that all of his support is behind you and they need to back off.

 

You might want to read that book about personal boundaries people have recommended on the board. I don't know the title, but I know some of these wonderful ladies can help you with it. Good luck!

 

Diane W.

married for 22 years

homeschooling 3 kiddos for 16 years

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We always take a vacation when we have company. Schooling is off for the week and we have fun with the relatives. We usually end up schooling thru public school vacations in trade - which works out well since it means we're at home learning while the parks and other areas are loaded with kids out of school.

 

Is your husband willing to be the go-between? They're his parents. He can be the one saying "things are going fine, thanks for asking."

 

My FIL's girlfriend is a retired remedial reading teacher who complained about her students every.single.time we saw her. The last time they were here she started on me about what the kids were learning. I couldn't win for losing. Thing 1 was an emerging reader (at 8 ) and Thing 2 (6) was reading Harry Potter. Apparently I was pushing Thing 2 too hard (I would've had to burn all the books in the house to keep him from reading) and she wanted to know WHAT specifically I was doing with Thing 1. My response was a consistent "He's progressing fine. I'm not going to discuss this with you." I repeated this several times, calmly, but increasingly forcefully. She eventually snorted and said, "I think I'm entitled to know what he's learning! You know, i WAS a reading teacher." :banghead: :cursing: I looked at her and said through clenched teeth, "I KNOW, and I know you COMPLAINED about your students the whole time. And I know that you wondered why you had the same kids from kindergarten through fifth grade and never saw this as a reflection on your skill. AS I SAID, I am NOT going to discuss this with you." I then left the room.

 

DH ended up finding me and I glowered at him (he'd been in the same room, talking to his [fabulous] dad). When I said I really wished he'd said SOMETHING in my defense, even "I think Amey's doing a great job with the kids," he replied that he thought I was handling it.

 

I really wish we could see FIL without the shrew.

 

So, yeah. Unless you want to open the door to their input on what you're doing ("why aren't you doing history?" "what are they doing in math? why aren't they doing multiplication yet?" "you know Neighbor's Son is studying genetics in his 3rd grade class for science. why are you doing chemistry?" etc), then offer a simple "thanks for asking - everything's going well."

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Ha, I've thought about this letter backfiring. The thing that makes me want to go ahead and send it is that I think part of their fears is just fear of the unknown, KWIM? Some education on my part may help alleviate their worries.

 

Problem is, their worries will NOT be alleviated unless and until your kids are in school. I'd bet food on it.

 

:D

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Not only would I not send the letter, I would seriously limit MIL's time with the kids if she couldn't keep her mouth shut. You just know she's going to undermine your work and affect your kids' confidence by making snarky remarks when you're out of earshot.

 

And in general outside of this topic, she just sounds toxic and you should protect your kids from her.

 

And whatever you do, don't homeschool around her. It's not worth it for you or for the kids. How will they feel when they hear her snotty remarks or snorting? She doesn't even have the insight to realize that the kids may not realize her remarks are meant for you and not for them and their work. Pitiful, really.

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Phew! Good ideas. I just don't think it would work out to even try. She was so livid last attempt. My MIL once threw a fit when the boys were little because they were cutting and pasting some old mags and ds pasted a helicopter on his paper. I wrote helicopter under the pic. She went off about how it should be hellicopter! Later she said she couldn't find a dict. in the whole house (to prove me wrong.) It had been on the side table by the couch her whole visit and that's where it always is. I just smiled and didn't say a word. :glare:

 

Wow.

 

You know that contest to write a compelling story in as few words as possible (such as Hemingway's "For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn.")? That anecdote could be a winning entry. In just a few short sentences you've given a remarkably telling insight into your MIL's character and the depth of your situation with her.

 

I'll be the thousandth one of us to say you owe her no explanations.

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