Need your perspective on this....

[Merry]

Ok, I want to do the right and gracious thing even if I may not feel like it but is it the right and gracious thing?

My 25 year old dd is going to a wedding here this Saturday. The bride who is her best friend is paying for her flight in and out. My dd will arrive at the airport that is two hours away. No airport here. Her boyfriend lives near the airport. She wants us to pick her up there and bring her here and she wants to stay with us and then have us bring her back. No problem. But she says she is coming here for the wedding and to spend time with her boyfriend, not really to see us. That's okay, too, I guess, but the thing is she wants me to drive her back on Sat. night so that she can go to her boyfriend's church on Sun. morning and spend all the rest of Sunday with him and then she will fly back on Mon. morning. That will mean a four hour drive for me at night. I don't have that much energy for late night driving and also I'm a little irked that I would see her for only a few min. here and there on Fri. and Sat. and also we have to do all the driving while her boyfriend stays home and doesn't help out with the driving. He doesn't have a car and I don't think a driver's license either. And he's 39 years old after all and yet he can't manage to pick her up? So I am feeling that if he's not picking her up, then why should I have to drive her back on Sat. night when it's hard for me to do so instead of waiting until Sunday when it would be a lot easier for me? She is determined to get back there on Sat. night even if it means taking a bus or something but she's not happy with me for not wanting to drive on Sat. night. Am I being unreasonable or selfish? I need an outside perspective on this. Thanks for listening.

[fairfarmhand]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. When asking for someone to do me a favor, I try not to put them out. IMHO, you are being asked to put yourself out.

[Cera]

If you don't want to drive four hours saturday night just tell her no. She is an adult and can make other arrangements (rent a car, etc). If she needs to rely on you for transportation then it should be at your convenience.

[ChristusG]

She's the one being unreasonable. I might would pick her up or something, but I wouldn't be doing all of the driving. The bride or the boyfriend should be helping out. Can't your daughter pay for a cab or something?

[Miss Marple]

She's 25. Have her rent a car. Tell her that you are uncomfortable driving that much at night - and stick to it. She's taking advantage of you, IMO. Let her and the bf figure it out :D

[mommaduck]

She's 25. Have her rent a car. Tell her that you are uncomfortable driving that much at night - and stick to it. She's taking advantage of you, IMO. Let her and the bf figure it out :D

:iagree:Especially if she's your daughter, coming into town, and not going to spend any time with you. As a mother, I'd be a bit put out. I'd expect my daughter to want to stay with us and for her boyfriend to come spend time with us as a family since our daughter is in town. JMNSHO Otherwise, dd could provide her own shelter and her own transportation.

[Ruby]

I second the rent a car option.

[Word Nerd]

If you don't want to drive four hours saturday night just tell her no. She is an adult and can make other arrangements (rent a car, etc). If she needs to rely on you for transportation then it should be at your convenience.

 

:iagree:

[May]

No, you aren't being unreasonable. She's old enough to figure it all out. If she pouts, oh well.

[AuntieM]

I wouldn't do it under the conditions she is proposing.

[Aggie]

I agree with everyone else! She's an adult. Boyfriend is, legally, an adult.

 

IMO, you are being gracious going to pick her up.

 

Grace does not include putting yourself and other drivers at risk.

 

Can you invite him to come to the wedding, spend the night at your house, then take them both back on Sunday?

[holdoll]

Boyfriend is, legally, an adult.

:lol:

 

Three cheers for the airport shuttle - at her expense.

[Haiku]

Am I being unreasonable or selfish? I need an outside perspective on this.

 

I don't think you are being selfish or unreasonable, but were it my daughter, I would still do it. I would see it this way: That's four more hours that I would get to spend time with my daughter. And since her best friend is paying her airfare, she will have plenty of money to pay for the gas I use in driving her back and forth. :D

 

Tara

[Mejane]

Oh, I. Don't. Think. So. :glare:

[Starr]

She might just need to figure this relationship with said boyfriend out on her own.

[Parrothead]

Oh, I. Don't. Think. So. :glare:

:iagree:

[Mrs Mungo]

while her boyfriend stays home and doesn't help out with the driving. He doesn't have a car and I don't think a driver's license either. And he's 39 years old after all and yet he can't manage to pick her up?

 

WHAAAAT?!?!?!?!?! GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

 

:willy_nilly:

 

There is NO WAY I would facilitate this.

 

eta: She might be feeling a little hurt about the boyfriend's behavior, you are a safe place to direct that. Keep in mind that the heat may not all *really* be for you.

Edited September 29, 2010 by Mrs Mungo

[Slartibartfast]

Why doesn't he have a license? Why doesn't he drive?

[elegantlion]

If you don't want to drive four hours saturday night just tell her no. She is an adult and can make other arrangements (rent a car, etc). If she needs to rely on you for transportation then it should be at your convenience.

 

Yup, at 25 she needs to make her own arrangements. I understand about night driving.

[Sophia]

You are not being unreasonable.

I wouldn't do it and when responding to that effect, I sure hope she'd have the decency to apologize for even asking.

[justasque]

He doesn't have a car and I don't think a driver's license either. And he's 39 years old after all and yet he can't manage to pick her up?

 

39? Now see, this is why I would be *happy* to make that four hour drive so she could spend the time with me instead of the bf. 'Cause if you won't drive, don't be surprised if she stays with the bf the whole time. I'm in the "ask the bf to spend the time at your place, instead of her going there" camp. Perhaps he can take a bus or something to your place for the day.

[Laurie4b]

You've offered to drive her back on Sunday--that is not unreasonable. I would stick to that and just keep saying, "Sorry, honey. I am not comfortable with all the night driving, but I'd be happy to drive you back on Sunday." Or you could offer to drive her Sat night and stay with them ;) until day time on Sunday.

[Barry Goldwater]

Ok, I want to do the right and gracious thing even if I may not feel like it but is it the right and gracious thing?

My 25 year old dd is going to a wedding here this Saturday. The bride who is her best friend is paying for her flight in and out. My dd will arrive at the airport that is two hours away. No airport here. Her boyfriend lives near the airport. She wants us to pick her up there and bring her here and she wants to stay with us and then have us bring her back. No problem. But she says she is coming here for the wedding and to spend time with her boyfriend, not really to see us. That's okay, too, I guess, but the thing is she wants me to drive her back on Sat. night so that she can go to her boyfriend's church on Sun. morning and spend all the rest of Sunday with him and then she will fly back on Mon. morning. That will mean a four hour drive for me at night. I don't have that much energy for late night driving and also I'm a little irked that I would see her for only a few min. here and there on Fri. and Sat. and also we have to do all the driving while her boyfriend stays home and doesn't help out with the driving. He doesn't have a car and I don't think a driver's license either. And he's 39 years old after all and yet he can't manage to pick her up? So I am feeling that if he's not picking her up, then why should I have to drive her back on Sat. night when it's hard for me to do so instead of waiting until Sunday when it would be a lot easier for me? She is determined to get back there on Sat. night even if it means taking a bus or something but she's not happy with me for not wanting to drive on Sat. night. Am I being unreasonable or selfish? I need an outside perspective on this. Thanks for listening.

 

I saw you said this (bolded), my response is NOT SO MUCH gracious...and I can be a bit of an ______ from time to time, but from what you described, I would tell her I'm busy and you don't have time to 'host' her overnights. Try me again next time you're in town.

[Forget-Me-Not]

Nope. No way. How completely disgraceful of her to say that she's "not really coming to see you" and then expect *you* to sacrifice time and gas money to taxi her around so she can have an overnight with her "boyfriend".

 

I'd stick to Sunday afternoon and if she wants to do something else, she can make her own travel arrangements at her own expense. It's too bad that she can't see the silliness of paying for a bus ticket to see a 39 yo man who isn't willing to trouble himself to see her.

[MamaT]

Nope. No way. How completely disgraceful of her to say that she's "not really coming to see you" and then expect *you* to sacrifice time and gas money to taxi her around so she can have an overnight with her "boyfriend".

 

I'd stick to Sunday afternoon and if she wants to do something else, she can make her own travel arrangements at her own expense. It's too bad that she can't see the silliness of paying for a bus ticket to see a 39 yo man who isn't willing to trouble himself to see her.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Danestress]

"I would be happy to provide you with a place where you can stay so that you don't have to rent a hotel. I also would be happy to drive you back to the airport Sunday. Even though I know you are not really coming to see me, I would be thrilled to have the time in the car with you. However, I can't drive Saturday. If Sunday works, I would be glad to do that. Otherwise, I understand if you need to rent a car or get a ride from someone else, and of course the offer to stay here still stand."

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

A 25 year old and a 39 year old should be able to figure out their own arrangements if they want to spend time together. I would definitely not go out of my way to accommodate their plans.

[Gwenhwyfar]

just a little thing.. i would keep the boyfriend's lack of a license out of the conversation with her. there are lots of reasons that someone may not have one and it doesn't necessarily mean anything negative.

 

(as someone who didn't get hers until she was 28. ;) )

[Mrs Mungo]

just a little thing.. i would keep the boyfriend's lack of a license out of the conversation with her. there are lots of reasons that someone may not have one and it doesn't necessarily mean anything negative.

 

(as someone who didn't get hers until she was 28. ;) )

 

I think everyone's point was more the fact that HE wasn't making any effort to see the daughter. That's BS.

[Merry]

My daughter is not normally like this. My dh and I have noticed a change in her since she met him last summer which is for the worse. I'll just say that when she told me all this stuff, we were so taken aback that we didn't know how to react to it. Mrs. Mungo, I think you are right about our taking the heat for her boyfriend's apparent passivity. My dd told me later today that he does have a driver's license but that he doesn't have the money, time, or friends to drive her. She didn't say how she feels about it but I'm sure she's not thrilled. Now the plan is that my dh and I and our other sons will drive down to pick her up on Fri. morning so that we can visit with her on the way back home. She will be busy helping with the wedding Fri. and Sat. and then it will be up to her to find a ride back. I might still drive her on Sun. as she doesn't have much money for the bus or taxi. But thanks so much for telling me what to think. It helps a lot to boost myself up to face this even though we're still sad about the bf situation.

[Carol in Cal.]

I would probably do it.

I think that to be able to spend extra time with a 25YO who is in a questionable relationship with an odd duck would be just what she needs. My inclination would be to say something like, "Sure, I will be glad to drive you around," and then to try to be so fun to be around that it just gets very very late on Saturday, and then get pretty visibly tired, and see if she lets me off the hook. She might be relieved to have me to pin this on, as in, "Oh my mom is getting so old and tired, and I just didn't have the heart to make her take me over here so late." And, frankly, given that he is so weird and fairly uninterested and/or passive, the more time she spends around people who love and enjoy her, the less attractive he could seem to her.

 

(I should add, I would not facilitate an overnight for my DD, nor would she expect me to, but I wrote the above on the premise that that boundary is not set in this case, which is how the original post sounded.)