What do you consider sheltered?

[Gamom3]

I have heard that my kids are sheltered--I definitely do not agree.

What do you consider sheltered?

[ChristusG]

Honestly, I think being sheltered is a huge compliment. I guess that it can mean different things but I see it as someone who hasn't had their innocence snatched away by the world yet. My kids are sheltered, but they are only 6 and 3. They don't know that cuss words exist, are not exposed to much television, the people they spend time with is monitored......basically, anything that could negatively influence them is carefully evaluated. They don't know of a lot of "worldly" things.

[Carrie12345]

I consider being completely unaware of common "outside" happenings and ideas to be sheltered.

 

I don't consider my kids to be sheltered. They are guided.

[Skadi]

I hate that word. It ranks right up there with the other "s word" (socialization). I think it's just used to describe anyone who goes against our current culture in some way. I did look it up in the dictionary just now to see what the official description is, and it says (for this context):

 

someone who has been prevented from having to do or face something difficult or unpleasant, e.g. "She led a sheltered life until her mother and father went through a bitter divorce." Synonyms: secluded, isolated, privileged, secure, quiet.

 

I find that definition a little amusing since most people seem to use the word as if it means "someone who has been prevented from doing something culturally enriching that is necessary for social adroitness." It's one of those words that people can just throw out when they don't have a more cogent argument against the way you're doing things. Most conversations where that word is brought up go like this.

 

What's wrong with my kids not watching TV?

They'll be sheltered.

Okay, so what is this sheltered thing and what bad things will happen if they are sheltered?

They won't be able to relate to other people!

Shouldn't they learn to relate to other people by, I dunno, spending time with other people instead of watching actors on a screen?

Well, they should do both. Besides, film and television can portray things they might not be able to get from everyday life in their own little social circle. If they don't watch TV, they won't be prepared for the realities of world!

Most television and movies are fiction, and the characters and storylines are are often completely divorced from the real world. How does exposing a child to hours and hours of fantasy laden with questionable messages about morality and human relationships help them learn about the world?

Look, just imagine how sheltered and alienated this kid is going to be when he hangs out with other kids. You're setting him up for failure.

 

As soon as one of their points is refuted, they jump to something else, and eventually end up where they started by asserting that being sheltered is just a very bad thing indeed.

 

I've also noticed a trend for people to say that someone who doesn't have experience with things that person considers harmful (sex, drugs, alcohol, etc.) is sheltered. For a long time, my DH chose not to drink any alcohol. He just didn't like the idea of losing control of his body and mind. Practically everyone he knew reacted to it in a really strong way -- about half of them seemed to shy away as if he was judging them for their choices (he wasn't, he's so not that kind of person) and the other half made it their mission in life to try to ply him with dares, bribes or other methods to get him to drink. It was the strangest thing. Maybe people are so quick to call others "sheltered" because there's a tendency for them to feel threatened by other people's choices to do things differently. For many people, the decision to drink or watch TV or whatever wasn't a decision at all -- they didn't sit down and ponder whether they should or shouldn't and why...they just did what everyone else did and assumed that it wasn't something to be uncertain about.

 

I'm a little disturbed by this attitude of martyrdom people seem to have in connection to the word, too. "I went to public school, and it was hell, believe me. I can't count the times I was beaten up, and I can personally vouch for how horrible the curriculum is. But you don't want to just shelter kids, you know. They need to go through that to toughen them up and make them better people." Why is it assumed that if bad things happen to you, that makes you a BETTER person? Isn't it the opposite? We don't hear athletes saying, "I wasn't a good sprinter until I broke my leg." Or maybe a better analogy would be, "You'll spoil them if you try to teach them how to swim yourself over a long period of time. Better to throw them in the deep end and let them swim or sink, I say!" I know that for myself, the traumatic things I've experienced have only been obstacles on the path to becoming a better person. Then again, it seems like character is the last thing on the minds of people who bring up this word.

[Peela]

Sheltered, in the negative sense, is when kids are not allowed to have enough experiences to expand their horizons and give them the sort of childhood that sets them up for a rich adult life. When they are not exposed to other people enough or the way others live and see life. When the parents keep them encircled only within a narrow band of experience in order to indoctrinate them with their own beliefs. When parents have psychological conditions that keep them reclusive, and they use homeschooling so they have company in their social aversion (I know someone who does that).

 

Of course, most homeschoolers including me appreciate the positive side of sheltering their kids in this day and age. There are people who homeschool for all sorts of reasons, though, and some are not so healthy (in my mind!). I think many of us don't admit how much we homeschool for *us* as much as the kids.We often get defensive when confronted with such terms as "sheltered". But if it touches something...maybe there is something there. If not...who cares what others think? My dh is proud of the fact that he "overprotects" our kids.

[Reeciecup]

I have heard that my kids are sheltered--I definitely do not agree.

What do you consider sheltered?

 

I think my husband and his siblings were sheltered. They were never allowed to go to sleepovers, or have friends over. The only friends they were allowed to have outside of school, had to be relatives. And they couldn't spend the night with them either. They weren't allowed to go on school field trips that went outside of the county. When I met my dh he was 18 and had an 11:00 curfew, but he was only allowed to be out with his cousin, no other friends. When he started dating me it was a huge fight that eventually ended with him moving out and joining the Navy. (honestly the best thing that he could've done.) She never spoke to me until after we were married, and now, 18 years later she is still angry with me for stealing her baby.

 

 

His brother and sister still live at home, much to her delight. The sister is 37, and has been engaged for 10 years, but she can't get married because she won't leave her mom.

 

The brother did get married, but his moms meddling was a huge deterrant to their marriage working out and he now lives at home with his mom and his baby. The mom is raising the baby (age4) the same way she raised her kids. The baby is never allowed out of her sight for any reason, and she is only allowed to play with children who are relatives.

[fairfarmhand]

I know people who use homeschooling and "sheltering" their kids as an excuse to keep their kids close. The parents are dependent on the children, constantly needing the child's affirmation that mom or dad is the best. I see this quite a bit in the Christian community (I am a Christian, so I am not necessarily throwing stones) Parents don't want their kids tempted so they remove all possibility of temptation from the child's path. However, part of having character is being able to withstand temptation. A person who never "exercises those muscles" will not be able to withstand temptation when they are truly faced with a big decision.

 

These parents are horrified to think that *gasp* their child might need to think independently. But I've seen it too often that these over controlling parents run their kids away from their religion since the kids are just desperate for some independence. They want no part of a religion that feeds mom and dad's emotional issues.

 

Now, this does not mean that we take our kids down to a local bar so they can be offered cigarettes and booze. But we do need to (age appropriately) allow our kids choices as they grow up; they need to be able to experience the world away from mama's apron strings so they can figure out what they believe; not just because mom and dad believe it, but because they've weighed the alternatives and found it right.

 

My kids are sheltered. We don't have broadcast TV, they are at home with me, but I allow them to interact with all kids of kids from their church. My oldest daughter is getting to the point where we are discussing lots of different things. drugs, alcohol, premarital sex.....she knows they exist and she knows what we believe about them. We will require her to follow our rules while she lives here, but I really want her to be able to grow up and adopt those standards for herself. Not because it's what mom and dad taught her, but because she's looked at life, thought about it and come to the conclusion that it is the right thing.

 

My younger kids... they are blissfully unaware of lots of stuff. And I am so okay with that. As they grow we will have discussions with them as well. I love the innocence that they have. I don't care that my 8 year old is very naive and no where near as sophisticated as some others. I think it is great. Childhood is gone too fast anyway.

 

If they were at the level of an 8 year old when they left home, then there might be an issue; I anticipate, however, they will gradually leave the nest and it is my job to prepare them for the bad things the world will expose them too.

[alpidarkomama]

Since a shelter is "a structure that provides privacy and protection from danger" you can bet my kids are sheltered! I don't know how it came to take on such a negative connotation. Too many people think we should be pushing them out in the world to "toughen them up."

[ma23peas]

We're probably all across the board on this spectrum, but here's where we fall..

 

Good sheltered: (what we do in our family)

Don't let them play M rated videos or watch gore filled junk....limit TV/Screen to weekends only (T rated gets screened in our family)

No body piercings other than ears and only one

No cursing

No bikinis..tankinis fine but usually with long boy shorts or one piece

No silly bandz...sorry, we just don't put value on fads

No dating until 16, and with friends until then

Letting them do loads of community service at food shelters, clinics, etc. where they are exposed to all lines of life (after age 14) and can grow a heart of service for their fellow man...

 

Bad sheltered:

Not allowing them to spend the night EVER at anyone else's house (we've seen this just think it's too much)

Not allowing them to go to a dance (senior prom etc.) some just don't believe in mixing boys/girls until a serious marriage potential, I just think this is wrong and not biblical.

Not signing them up for sports/dance/music...something where they have to get out in the world and practice something...

 

Sorry, may get slammed here..but you asked and those are only my opinions...

 

Tara

[simka2]

Sheltered, in the negative sense, is when kids are not allowed to have enough experiences to expand their horizons and give them the sort of childhood that sets them up for a rich adult life. When they are not exposed to other people enough or the way others live and see life. When the parents keep them encircled only within a narrow band of experience in order to indoctrinate them with their own beliefs. When parents have psychological conditions that keep them reclusive, and they use homeschooling so they have company in their social aversion (I know someone who does that).

 

Of course, most homeschoolers including me appreciate the positive side of sheltering their kids in this day and age. There are people who homeschool for all sorts of reasons, though, and some are not so healthy (in my mind!). I think many of us don't admit how much we homeschool for *us* as much as the kids.We often get defensive when confronted with such terms as "sheltered". But if it touches something...maybe there is something there. If not...who cares what others think? My dh is proud of the fact that he "overprotects" our kids.

 

:iagree:I thought this was a great response. Yes, I am protective in many ways, but I also want my kids to brush up against some of the rougher edges of society, with me present to help guide their thinking. If this happens via tv, or the young teen girls I teach riding to, or some of their ps friends all the better.

[Mimm]

Since when is sheltering a bad word? To shelter. Protect. Provide safety. Harbor. Guard. (From a thesaurus.) Doesn't this sound like a parent's job?

 

I consider my kids sheltered. This means I have protected them as best I can from the bad things of the world. In practical terms this means they don't deal with bullies at school. They watch only a little television, so they don't have a lot of that influencing their lives. It means I pay attention to what they're reading, what music they listen to and what video games we have in the house. We criticize parents who buy a 12 year old a video game with a mature rating on it or a CD with a parental warning on it, without at least previewing the content. Why? Because this parent isn't sheltering. They aren't paying attention and they aren't making decisions about what influences their child's life.

 

When people talk about sheltering they accuse parents of over-sheltering, and that can happen, but I think it's worse to under-shelter. Our society wants kids to grow up too fast at a young age, yet stay children into their 20s. It's kind of weird.

[atara]

I find most sheltered kids to be stronger in their beliefs as well as have more fortitude.

[Chris in VA]

I hate that word. It ranks right up there with the other "s word" (socialization). I think it's just used to describe anyone who goes against our current culture in some way. I did look it up in the dictionary just now to see what the official description is, and it says (for this context):

 

someone who has been prevented from having to do or face something difficult or unpleasant, e.g. "She led a sheltered life until her mother and father went through a bitter divorce." Synonyms: secluded, isolated, privileged, secure, quiet.

 

I find that definition a little amusing since most people seem to use the word as if it means "someone who has been prevented from doing something culturally enriching that is necessary for social adroitness." It's one of those words that people can just throw out when they don't have a more cogent argument against the way you're doing things. Most conversations where that word is brought up go like this.

 

What's wrong with my kids not watching TV?

They'll be sheltered.

Okay, so what is this sheltered thing and what bad things will happen if they are sheltered?

They won't be able to relate to other people!

Shouldn't they learn to relate to other people by, I dunno, spending time with other people instead of watching actors on a screen?

Well, they should do both. Besides, film and television can portray things they might not be able to get from everyday life in their own little social circle. If they don't watch TV, they won't be prepared for the realities of world!

Most television and movies are fiction, and the characters and storylines are are often completely divorced from the real world. How does exposing a child to hours and hours of fantasy laden with questionable messages about morality and human relationships help them learn about the world?

Look, just imagine how sheltered and alienated this kid is going to be when he hangs out with other kids. You're setting him up for failure.

 

As soon as one of their points is refuted, they jump to something else, and eventually end up where they started by asserting that being sheltered is just a very bad thing indeed.

 

I've also noticed a trend for people to say that someone who doesn't have experience with things that person considers harmful (sex, drugs, alcohol, etc.) is sheltered. For a long time, my DH chose not to drink any alcohol. He just didn't like the idea of losing control of his body and mind. Practically everyone he knew reacted to it in a really strong way -- about half of them seemed to shy away as if he was judging them for their choices (he wasn't, he's so not that kind of person) and the other half made it their mission in life to try to ply him with dares, bribes or other methods to get him to drink. It was the strangest thing. Maybe people are so quick to call others "sheltered" because there's a tendency for them to feel threatened by other people's choices to do things differently. For many people, the decision to drink or watch TV or whatever wasn't a decision at all -- they didn't sit down and ponder whether they should or shouldn't and why...they just did what everyone else did and assumed that it wasn't something to be uncertain about.

 

I'm a little disturbed by this attitude of martyrdom people seem to have in connection to the word, too. "I went to public school, and it was hell, believe me. I can't count the times I was beaten up, and I can personally vouch for how horrible the curriculum is. But you don't want to just shelter kids, you know. They need to go through that to toughen them up and make them better people." Why is it assumed that if bad things happen to you, that makes you a BETTER person? Isn't it the opposite? We don't hear athletes saying, "I wasn't a good sprinter until I broke my leg." Or maybe a better analogy would be, "You'll spoil them if you try to teach them how to swim yourself over a long period of time. Better to throw them in the deep end and let them swim or sink, I say!" I know that for myself, the traumatic things I've experienced have only been obstacles on the path to becoming a better person. Then again, it seems like character is the last thing on the minds of people who bring up this word.

 

Good post.

[SailorMom]

Sheltered, in the negative sense, is when kids are not allowed to have enough experiences to expand their horizons and give them the sort of childhood that sets them up for a rich adult life. When they are not exposed to other people enough or the way others live and see life. When the parents keep them encircled only within a narrow band of experience in order to indoctrinate them with their own beliefs. When parents have psychological conditions that keep them reclusive, and they use homeschooling so they have company in their social aversion (I know someone who does that).

 

Of course, most homeschoolers including me appreciate the positive side of sheltering their kids in this day and age. There are people who homeschool for all sorts of reasons, though, and some are not so healthy (in my mind!). I think many of us don't admit how much we homeschool for *us* as much as the kids.We often get defensive when confronted with such terms as "sheltered". But if it touches something...maybe there is something there. If not...who cares what others think? My dh is proud of the fact that he "overprotects" our kids.

:iagree:

[Laurie4b]

Sheltered is when: 1) kids are kept from being in a position to exercise their own moral judgement until they are adults, thus preventing any possibility of sins/mistakes during the first 18 years (and thus, imo, preventing the development of their own 'moral muscles") and/or 2) are kept from knowing, at a time when they could developmentally understand , what aspects of the world are like and/or 3) are kept from meaningfully interacting with anyone who is different than their parents in religious views or worldview.

[angela in ohio]

It depends on who you ask.

 

When my dad drives, anyone faster than him is a maniac, and anyone slower is an @&*%$*.

 

Similarly, anyone who gives their dc less freedom than some people is sheltering, and anyone who gives them more is a neglectful parent.

 

I worry very little about what othes say about our parenting. The proof is in the pudding. My mother listened for years to my dad's sister tell them that they were sheltering us, being too hard on us, and ruining us. My two cousins are in and out of rehab and living in her basement; my brother and I are successfully raising happy families. It would be funny if it wasn't so sad.

 

I know there are those who think we over-shelter are actively hoping that my dc go astray or fail. Sometimes they say it to my face, but often they say it to others and it gets back to me. Our personal philosophy is that you shelter/guide them very much when they are young, and then as they get older, we take on the role of advisor and gradually give them more and more say. Our 14 yo makes excellent choices and is pretty much a reliable adult at this point. She has important things to do, a plan for her life, and a role in helping others in the community; she has no need for the teen stuff that some would say we are sheltering her from.

 

I think a lot of people think of sheltering in terms of peer influence only. My younger dc ARE sheltered from a lot of peer influence. We think that adults are the best influence for young people. My dc don't go in for teenage silly (they know how to be silly, but they prefer dry humour and sarcasm. ;)) BUT they have a better concept of the world than many their age. We don't shelter them from politics, history, war, poverty, etc. I think that sheltering kids in a bubble of teenage-ness is wrong. So many dc don't know what life is all about past their own little peer group.

[Farrar]

Sheltered, in the negative sense, is when kids are not allowed to have enough experiences to expand their horizons and give them the sort of childhood that sets them up for a rich adult life. When they are not exposed to other people enough or the way others live and see life. When the parents keep them encircled only within a narrow band of experience in order to indoctrinate them with their own beliefs. When parents have psychological conditions that keep them reclusive, and they use homeschooling so they have company in their social aversion (I know someone who does that).

 

:iagree:

 

I find most sheltered kids to be stronger in their beliefs as well as have more fortitude.

 

I think this totally depends. On the one hand, sheltering a child can help them become more self-confident and sure of themselves for when they do go out into the world. On the other hand, I find that some kids who are sheltered are very fragile, especially in their ideas. They've only ever heard one side of any issue for so long that they're afraid to hear the other side or to have an open, respectful debate. SWB had a great blog post that was in part about this:

 

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/preparing-for-college/what-not-to-look-for-in-an-academic-department/

[6packofun]

I completely agree, particularly with your last paragraph.

[6packofun]

Yes.

 

I think people would look at our family and see the kids as sheltered in a negative way, but most people don't look beyond the surface to our actual *circumstances*. Do I *want* my kids to be at home most of the time except for church stuff and not able to join any sports or activities that aren't free? Not really, but circumstances dictate it, you know? (General "you", not directed at whoever I posted this under. LOL)

 

As we always say on this forum, you never truly know what's going on in another family and appearances don't tell the whole story! :)

[justamouse]

Sheltered is when: 1) kids are kept from being in a position to exercise their own moral judgement until they are adults, thus preventing any possibility of sins/mistakes during the first 18 years (and thus, imo, preventing the development of their own 'moral muscles") and/or 2) are kept from knowing, at a time when they could developmentally understand , what aspects of the world are like and/or 3) are kept from meaningfully interacting with anyone who is different than their parents in religious views or worldview.

 

 

:iagree:

 

wholeheartedly.

[stripe]

I think people say whatever they want to say, and give it a negative connotation when they want -- so a kid is either a prude or a slut, or sheltered or jaded, etc.

[hillfarm]

When a child is small, they need very much to be sheltered from the harshness of the world. They first need to learn that they are loved and that the world can be a wonderful, fascinating place to live.

 

As they reach middle school age, IMO kids need to begin to be exposed to the larger world around them. To learn that life isn't fair and that some are less fortunate than them and others much more so. To see that sometimes bad things do happen to good people. But all this from the shelter of the home where they can feel safe while learning these things.

 

The teen years are time to have the kids go out and interact more in the world around them, to try out their growing independence in small doses while they still have the luxury of coming back to the safety and guidance of good old Mom and Dad when things get tough.

 

Being sheltered can be positive, as for younger children, or negative, being kept from experiencing or learning how to interact in an age appropriate way with the society around us.

 

A few families I know have worked very hard to shield their dc from the dangers of the world. Unfortunately, although some of the dc are very innocent, they are also very timid. For example, although they had been in our homeschool group for over a year, at last year's Christmas gathering they were so overwhelmed by the change of structure of sitting in a big circle and singing carols that the 16yo and 13yo literally clung to their parents' clothing rather than join in with everyone else (whom they knew and had been interacting with for at least a year).

 

Another of these families I know has taken almost a military compound attitude to the isolation of their children and have erected a high chain-link fence around their property and have guard dogs patrolling the area. The dc are told to hide if any unknown vehicles or people approach the fence. I worry that their dc will either be too timid to be able to successfully interact with the world when they become adults or that they will be so mesmerized by all the worldly enticements that they will not see the dangers and run headlong into trouble.

 

My plan has been to shelter my dd when she was young, train her how to cope with the world in the pre teen years, and give her coaching and feedback as she begins to interact on her own in the teen years. I plan to be a consultant after that!;)

Edited September 28, 2010 by hillfarm

[May]

By today's standards, my 17dd would be considered sheltered. She's not allowed to watch R-rated movies and only some PG-13 movies. We haven't had cable for years and she's not up on the latest TV shows. We know at least one parent of all her friends both male and female. We don't allow her to date but she can go to dances with a boy, if asked. I don't know how many curse words she knows but I have never heard her use one. She dresses modestly and any clothes she buys must pass the Mom test, not too short and not to low cut. She's sweet and innocent and if people consider that sheltered, then so be it.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Nicely said, HillFarm.

 

May I say that I've been accused of sheltering my kids in one breath and then in the next breath have been accused of being too hands off - by the same person?!:toetap05:

[stripe]

And how many adults don't want to themselves admit they will die, much less have their children go to their grandma's funeral? I see adults sheltering themselves too.

[kalanamak]

Yes, my son is sheltered. His is also exposed.

 

I kept him from cursing peers until he was nearly 8. Now we study the words and he is learning how lame they are....but that they are just words.

 

I keep him from sexualized clothes and behaviors for small children, but he watching nature shows with mating, and discusses reproduction like he discusses the nervous system.

 

I keep him from "having the latest" whatever, but have nice antiques in the house, and buy expensive olive oil for our salad.

 

I keep him from fights and bullies, but expect a lot from his athletic body: kayaking, skiing, long bikerides up hills.

 

I keep him from TV, but watch Buster Keaton, Fantasia, Hemo the Magnificent, and Sister Wendy.

 

I keep him from domestic violence/melodrama/grown ups acting like children but expect compassion for human weakness and ask him to be strong when others are weak.

[Sputterduck]

My kid is far less sheltered than school kids. His experiences are far more varied.

 

I think sitting in the same four walls every day with the same 30 kids for a year is really, really sheltered.

[fairfarmhand]

And how many adults don't want to themselves admit they will die, much less have their children go to their grandma's funeral? I see adults sheltering themselves too.

 

 

side note:

 

wonder if this is why there are folks in nursing homes who NEVER get a visitor?

[Michelle My Bell]

A few families I know have worked very hard to shield their dc from the dangers of the world. Unfortunately, although some of the dc are very innocent, they are also very timid. For example, although they had been in our homeschool group for over a year, at last year's Christmas gathering they were so overwhelmed by the change of structure of sitting in a big circle and singing carols that the 16yo and 13yo literally clung to their parents' clothing rather than join in with everyone else (whom they knew and had been interacting with for at least a year).

 

 

I have a 16 year old daughter and a 13 year old daughter who are very sheltered and I can't imagine them ever acting like that. To me, there must be more to their situation. I keep my children close, I don't let them get too involved in outside activities, just a few a month and they only see friends at church and the occasional (about every two weeks) get together.

[Michelle My Bell]

By today's standards, my 17dd would be considered sheltered. She's not allowed to watch R-rated movies and only some PG-13 movies. We haven't had cable for years and she's not up on the latest TV shows. We know at least one parent of all her friends both male and female. We don't allow her to date but she can go to dances with a boy, if asked. I don't know how many curse words she knows but I have never heard her use one. She dresses modestly and any clothes she buys must pass the Mom test, not too short and not to low cut. She's sweet and innocent and if people consider that sheltered, then so be it.

 

This describes my oldest daughter as well. She has never gone to a dance "with" a boy, but I would trust her 100% if she were asked. She has set very high standards for herself. I anticipate my other daughters being like her, but they are younger still.

[Sputterduck]

A few families I know have worked very hard to shield their dc from the dangers of the world. Unfortunately, although some of the dc are very innocent, they are also very timid. For example, although they had been in our homeschool group for over a year, at last year's Christmas gathering they were so overwhelmed by the change of structure of sitting in a big circle and singing carols that the 16yo and 13yo literally clung to their parents' clothing rather than join in with everyone else (whom they knew and had been interacting with for at least a year).

 

I went to traditional school and was exactly like that.

[DarlaS]

I went to traditional school and was exactly like that.

 

I would have been a little put out by the singalong, and stuck by mom until it was time to go!

 

I have, to this day, only ONCE in my life gone Christmas caroling (and I was dragged :glare:). Not my cuppa. :tongue_smilie: