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When labor doesn't go well


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I just got a call. A good friend went into labor (as expected) this weekend. Things went from bad to worse when labor stalled, they discovered a bad uterine infection, delivered the baby by C-section and found the baby had been without oxygen for some time. The baby has some brain damage - they don't know if it is permanent or not. The baby was airlifted to another hospital and the dad has gone to stay with the baby. She wants me to visit her in the hospital tomorrow. Perhaps some advice on how to be there for her?

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Listen to her and affirm her. She needs to know that she can be real, that she can express her full range of thoughts and emotions without people moralizing about her statements or the situation. She needs people who not only can be strong when she needs to be weak but also who will affirm her in her strength, letting her know that she can do this.

 

I agree with foregoing all commentary on what the medical professionals have done wrong or right. Nothing positive will result from that other than listening to your friend and supporting her in her feelings; yet, don't promote any negative feelings on her part about how things may/not have been handled appropriately. There is a time and place for advocacy, but initially the greatest need is for her to have personal support and to gather her strength.

 

Be positive. By that I don't mean trying to cast this situation in a positive light per se, but rather choose encouraging words about the situation. I lived through this for months with someone priceless to me, and it is hard to articulate how one goes about this process of genuine encouragement (as opposed to false hope, preaching/moralizing). Most people don't know how to do it. They try, but it ends in significant emotional pain for people who are struggling.

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that's terrible, Jean! Did she keep her uterus?

 

I'd offer loads of sympathy, and allow her to talk about it as much as she wants. Sometimes people avoid difficult topics because they're uncomfortable talking about them. Just be open to discussing anything she wants, and let her lead how much she wants to talk about it, after you offer up your kind words of encouragement.

 

Other than that, meals, help with other kids, house cleaning, etc. is the best you can do for her. Not you personally, but maybe you could organize a crew?

 

I pray that baby's brain damage is not permanent!!!

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When my dd had breathing difficulties at birth and was in the nicu I needed someone there to run interference with me and the dr. If she doesn't have someone there, help her. My brain and body were too exhaused to process everything the dr. and nurses were saying - all I could do was cry. Having someone there to listen and translate into new-momese was a huge help for me.

 

Also, to remind me to take care of myself. My instinct was to run to the nicu and spend every second there staring at her. My body had just had a c-section and I wasn't capable of everything I thought I should be capable of. Encourage her to rest and recover while the drs and nurses are there to help. Wearing herself down entirely right now will not be helpful, no matter the outcome with the baby.

 

And of course, pray and listen to her cry and scream and moan.

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My last delivery was similar to this. Labor did not progress, emergency c-section, baby in NICU. Every one kept telling me to just be thankful that he was alive, and I really was. I just needed to grieve not having that healthy baby that everyone wants. I had to grieve not being able to see him or hold him let alone nurse him. Looking at pictures on my cell phone was not the same. This can be a very traumatic event. I can still tear up about it and he will be 2 in November.

There is NOTHING she could have done differently! Just make sure she knows that. She is happy that the baby is alive, but let her grieve that dream of a perfectly healthy baby. They family now does not know what the future holds for their precious baby. Just listen to her fears and you will help her cross that bridge when it comes.

Sheri

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I had a similar situation and all I wanted was to know my baby was OK. You carry around this baby for nine months, something goes wrong, and suddenly this baby you love and want to protect is in someone elses care. AND, you really don't know what your baby looks like or if they're in pain, ect. If I were you, I would go over to the other hospital and take a camera and video camera with me to take pictures and video of her baby. Then go back to see her with all those pictures. Even better - see if you could borrow two laptops and skype her baby back to her (if they let you). That would make her feel a lot better.

 

Beth

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I had a similar situation and all I wanted was to know my baby was OK. You carry around this baby for nine months, something goes wrong, and suddenly this baby you love and want to protect is in someone elses care. AND, you really don't know what your baby looks like or if they're in pain, ect. If I were you, I would go over to the other hospital and take a camera and video camera with me to take pictures and video of her baby. Then go back to see her with all those pictures. Even better - see if you could borrow two laptops and skype her baby back to her (if they let you). That would make her feel a lot better.

 

Beth

 

Here's an update:

 

My friend was transferred today to the same hospital as her baby. Yay! She will now be able to see her baby and perhaps even touch him. The baby is undergoing some special treatment to cool his brain and to get rid of toxins produced by having been without oxygen. Once the treatment is done (in about 6 days, I think) they will do another EEG and will be able to see if there are residual problems. The good news is that the baby is responding to his dad's voice and seems to be a feisty little guy.

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Definitely be positive. She doesn't need all the negative piled on at once, even if that's what it is.

I had one in ICU from a bad delivery (shoulder distocia stuck without oxygen) and everyone acted like the baby was as good as dead. I was stuck in another hospital and there wasn't anything I could do...It was terrifying.

Be positive, and do whatever she asks if you can.

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Good advice so far. If she shows you pictures of the baby, definitely talk about how unbelievably adorable he is. When my dd was born, they thought she was having seizures, and once people heard that it was like they were afraid to talk about her, when of course she was all I wanted to talk about! New mothers want to hear how cute their kids are, that they have the cutest baby ever birthed, even if something has gone wrong.

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Here's an update:

 

My friend was transferred today to the same hospital as her baby. Yay! She will now be able to see her baby and perhaps even touch him. The baby is undergoing some special treatment to cool his brain and to get rid of toxins produced by having been without oxygen. Once the treatment is done (in about 6 days, I think) they will do another EEG and will be able to see if there are residual problems. The good news is that the baby is responding to his dad's voice and seems to be a feisty little guy.

 

Jean - something similar happened to a friend of mine. Their newborn son was on the cooling treatment as well, for almost a month. He's doing great, no signs of any brain damage at all! I don't know if that will be encouraging to her or not. . . . .

 

You are being a good friend. Prayers for them all.

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Jean - something similar happened to a friend of mine. Their newborn son was on the cooling treatment as well, for almost a month. He's doing great, no signs of any brain damage at all! I don't know if that will be encouraging to her or not. . . . .

 

You are being a good friend. Prayers for them all.

 

Thanks, Heather. That is encouraging to know.

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If it turns out that Group B Strep was the cause of the infection, please let me know. I used to be on the board of the national Group B Strep Assn., and I can hook her up with some peer support, information about the infection, etc.

 

My advice, regardless of the cause of the infection: reassure her that there was nothing *she* did wrong. She didn't "cause" the infection or "do this" to her baby.

 

Hope it helps,

 

Lisa

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