what says the hive? Quick, Hypothetical DH/MIL question...

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

Inspired by a conversation DH had with a single friend last night ....

 

Is there a decent way for a new husband whose bride is not so talented in the kitchen to "send her to [his] mother" to learn how to cook?

 

Update with s/o question: if this Dh knew how to cook, would it be better for him to offer to teach his bride himself? Or would that be just as offensive?

 

TO CLARIFY for anyone just coming upon this thread so as to save them from misunderstanding or having to hunt down my explanation posts I'm pasting them here. :)

 

#26: Definitely an issue of lack of skill/experience and not an issue of wanting her to cook like mama. Also, he would be fine with doing it himself full time but ... let's just say that the hypothetical bride considers this her domain (primarily, not that he can never cook) just not as skilled or knowledgeable or particularly fond of cooking. Him doing it himself (as the norm) would be taken as a slight (is that the word I mean? lol)

 

I just don't want to paint said friend in a bad light - his intentions really are pure ... just naive, perhaps, about women and marriage ... at least IMHO in this case lol

 

#47: Oh, and this really was hypothetical. Friend was basically just saying it was no problem to him if he married someone who couldn't cook because he could just send her to his mother (in a nice way - which is what I was asking about, whether there was such a way, and that was his second solution after voicing his willingness to do all the cooking himself, to cover the potential circumstance where that wouldn't be acceptable to hypothetical bride). DH immediately responded, "errr, No. Don't do that." Friend questioned whether this really wasn't a good idea and DH repeated his "No" and then turned to me to verify that really was the right answer. I told friend that I would leave that to her own volition. I'm still not sure if he truly conceded. :lol:

Edited September 28, 2010 by RecumbentHeart

[Mrs Mungo]

Inspired by a conversation DH had with a single friend last night ....

 

Is there a decent way for a new husband whose bride is not so talented in the kitchen to "send her to [his] mother" to learn how to cook?

 

No, there isn't.

 

On the other hand, the two of them could sign up to take cooking classes together.

[Garga]

Hee hee hee. That's all. Just...hee hee hee.

[AK_Mom4]

No, there isn't.

 

On the other hand, the two of them could sign up to take cooking classes together.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

After nearly 20 years of marriage, my DH stills does most of the cooking because I am NOT a good cook. We would have had serious marriage troubles if he had suggested I learn cooking from his mom in our early marriage!

[mommaduck]

Instead of sending her to his mother, how about having mother offer some family recipes to his bride as a gift. I did not know how to cook when I married. I did receive a Betty Crocker cookbook as a bridal shower gift. I made attempts (starting with chicken and shake n bake). Dh's mother called to ask if I'd tried to make "his favorite" (chicken livers). No, never had chicken livers. So I ran to the store and she gave me directions over the phone. It was one of the few good memories I have of her.

 

Dh has done his share of cooking and he's very honest with me when something I try does not turn out well. I don't take it offensively. I'd rather know what went wrong or if it's something I just should not make again. Learning to cook was a therapy of sorts in that I was dealing with an eating disorder at the time.

[Annie]

Nope. ;)

[Parrothead]

Inspired by a conversation DH had with a single friend last night ....

 

Is there a decent way for a new husband whose bride is not so talented in the kitchen to "send her to [his] mother" to learn how to cook?

IMHO no man should involve his mother with his wife's cooking unless the wife instigates the involvement. And then things should move along very cautiously.

[QueenCat]

IMHO no man should involve his mother with his wife's cooking unless the wife instigates the involvement. And then things should move along very cautiously.

 

:iagree: This, and the cooking classes as husband and wife are great ideas!

[Jean in Newcastle]

No, no, no, no, no! Looking at cooking sites together, looking at the cooking shows on PBS, getting her a cookbook. . . none of these are the explosive minefield that "sending her to her MIL" would be!

[Mrs Mungo]

Instead of sending her to his mother, how about having mother offer some family recipes to his bride as a gift.

 

I have attended a couple of wedding showers for which the hostess mailed our 5 recipe cards with the invitations. The guests filled out the recipe cards and brought them to the shower. That is actually a good idea that solicits lots of good recipes and doesn't say "you should cook like my mom."

 

I am a great cook, but I don't cook like my MIL and would be offended if someone insisted I should.

[elegantlion]

No, there isn't.

 

On the other hand, the two of them could sign up to take cooking classes together.

 

:iagree:There were many a heated discussion in my household during our first year of marriage. I'm not a good cook. Amazingly dh knew this when we got married. I sometimes wonder if he thought it would come as a downloadable program with the marriage certificate. I do most of the cooking, but after 18 years of marriage dh is still the better cook.

 

You can LEARN how to cook, but for some of us it just isn't something we'll ever truly enjoy.

[Dobela]

That reminds me of a story a friend tells. When he was first married he walked past his new wife as she was folding socks. He blurted out, "That's not how my mom does it." 20 years later he was still washing and folding his own socks LOL

 

If you are the MIL, maybe you could invite them to meals more and then ask her to help you in the kitchen. There you can show her favorite recipes, give gentle instruction, and so n.

[Gwenhwyfar]

i guess i'm a bit weird - because i think my MIL is awesome and totally wouldn't mind cooking lessons from her. :D (i'm not a great cook, everyone knows it. i wouldn't be offended at all ~ but it can't happen, as we live on diff sides of the country)

[Mrs Mungo]

If you are the MIL, maybe you could invite them to meals more and then ask her to help you in the kitchen. There you can show her favorite recipes, give gentle instruction, and so n.

 

Personally (and I'm not arguing with you, it's just a thought I had)? I think daughters and sons should learn to cook their own favorite recipes before they leave the nest. I think each child should be sent on their way with a family recipe book. I just am not sure it should be solely up to the wife to learn how to cook.

 

eta: This is coming from the fact I am the eldest, I grew up cooking and my dh has never bothered to learn how. I'd like a night off now and then that doesn't involve take out!! My dh does a lot around the house, so I can't really complain. I just think it's nice if both people know the basics.

[Joker]

I find this funny since I was told by dh that I was never, under any circumstances to keep any recipie his mother sent.:D He never wanted to eat that food again!

[cathmom]

Have they never seen Everybody Loves Raymond?

 

:lol:

[elegantlion]

That reminds me of a story a friend tells. When he was first married he walked past his new wife as she was folding socks. He blurted out, "That's not how my mom does it." 20 years later he was still washing and folding his own socks LOL

 

 

 

:smilielol5::smilielol5::smilielol5::smilielol5:

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

Since this friend can cook and likes cooking, I'm not entirely sure why he mentioned involving his mother in this hypothetical situation.

 

So I guess I'll updated with a spinoff question - would it be more appropriate for him to offer to teach her how to cook himself? In some non offensive way, ofcause.

[melissel]

Have they never seen Everybody Loves Raymond?

 

:lol:

 

:lol::lol::lol: That was my first thought too :lol: We tried for months to figure how my MIL makes her oatmeal (she adds all sorts of things to it, it's heavenly, and the texture is perfect). I commented that she didn't really WANT us to learn how to do it, she wanted to keep the secret all to herself. She hadn't seen that episode at that point, but not long afterward she did, and we laughed and laughed about it. (Turns out the trick was lemon zest and quick oats, not the 5-minute kind. Who knew?!)

[Mrs Mungo]

Since this friend can cook and likes cooking, I'm not entirely sure why he mentioned involving his mother in this hypothetical situation.

 

So I guess I'll updated with a spinoff question - would it be more appropriate for him to offer to teach her how to cook himself? In some non offensive way, ofcause.

 

He could invite her to help out in the kitchen and see how that goes over?

 

Offering to teach her to cook? It just seems...I don't know...self-serving at best, and chauvinistic at worst.

[cathmom]

He could invite her into the kitchen to keep him company while he cooks, and maybe she would pick up some cooking that way.

[sbgrace]

If he already knows how to cook food he likes to eat and she cannot cook why would he not just handle that part of their life? I don't know why cooking is a female task in his mind? I'm hoping I'm understanding that she can't cook at all due to (I assume, given following directions on a basic recipe isn't rocket science) lack of experience and not that she just doesn't cook well enough for him or even worse he wants meals like mom made.

 

As a young married if my husband had tried to encourage me to learn to cook from his mother it would not have gone over well. I also think, even if his bride handles his suggestion well, it sets the poor mother in law/daughter in law relationship up to step into landmines right from the start. Bad idea. (Beyond that, he shouldn't have expectation of eating food like his moms when it's not his mom cooking).

 

The him teaching her to cook part just doesn't sit well with me either. I can't articulate why. If she asked him to show her how to make a roast or whatever that's a different thing. But his instigating being her "teacher" in this area wouldn't go well with the typical relationship I'm familiar with anyway.

 

If she wants to learn to cook she can do that without his meddling or he can just eat what she makes and let her learn through trial and error. If it's inedible peanut butter and jelly would suffice I'm sure. If that's not ok with him he can cook. They could cook together too if he could manage not to try to "instruct" her or whatever. I think based on the feelings he has about it all that it might be hard not to communicate those to her in that context.

Edited September 27, 2010 by sbgrace

[Kirch]

i guess i'm a bit weird - because i think my MIL is awesome and totally wouldn't mind cooking lessons from her. :D (i'm not a great cook, everyone knows it. i wouldn't be offended at all ~ but it can't happen, as we live on diff sides of the country)

 

Oh, I love my MIL too, and she's an awesome cook. I've learned quite a bit from her--but it was MY choice! If my dh had "sent me to his mother" to learn how to cook? Well, let's just say things wouldn't have been pretty!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Oh, I love my MIL too, and she's an awesome cook. I've learned quite a bit from her--but it was MY choice! If my dh had "sent me to his mother" to learn how to cook? Well, let's just say things wouldn't have been pretty!

 

That's the key. I have asked my MIL to show me a few key Filipino recipes but it was initiated by me - not my MIL and not my dh.

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

Definitely an issue of lack of skill/experience and not an issue of wanting her to cook like mama. Also, he would be fine with doing it himself full time but ... let's just say that the hypothetical bride considers this her domain (primarily, not that he can never cook) just not as skilled or knowledgeable or particularly fond of cooking. Him doing it himself (as the norm) would be taken as a slight (is that the word I mean? lol)

 

I just don't want to paint said friend in a bad light - his intentions really are pure ... just naive, perhaps, about women and marriage ... at least IMHO in this case lol

[Mrs Mungo]

Definitely an issue of lack of skill/experience and not an issue of wanting her to cook like mama. Also, he would be fine with doing it himself full time but ... let's just say that the hypothetical bride considers this her domain (primarily, not that he can never cook) just not as skilled or knowledgeable or particularly fond of cooking. Him doing it himself (as the norm) would be taken as a slight (is that the word I mean? lol)

 

I just don't want to paint said friend in a bad light - his intentions really are pure ... just naive, perhaps, about women and marriage ... at least IMHO in this case lol

 

With this information? I revert to my original suggestion of signing up for cooking classes together. It won't hurt him, even if he already knows his way around the kitchen, they will both probably learn a thing or two and it might be fun! They could talk about what they learned, try out a new recipe at home. I really think it's the best bet.

[sbgrace]

Ah, so she feels the wife must cook and he knows she doesn't have a clue how and is worried about what he might be served, is that right?

 

Cooking classes together would work then and they could practice what they learn together at home as well. If she's not open to that I'd advise him to consider it part of marriage to be a good sport as she learns to cook. I'm assuming he eats lunch away from home and breakfast she likely wouldn't mind not cooking so one meal a day that might not be tasty isn't a big deal. Since she wants to do this I suspect she'll get better fast. You might remind him that learning to cook isn't that complicated. The average person can google and follow a recipe that will be something edible when it's done most of the time.

Edited September 27, 2010 by sbgrace

[Mrs Mungo]

Oh! Another suggestion? Watch Good Eats together. Alton Brown is really good at offering adaptable recipes and gives a lot of explanation. If they get in a habit of watching together, then he can buy cookbooks and dvd sets without getting into trouble.

[NanceXToo]

If he's the better cook, let him do most of the cooking! But let him also invite her into the kitchen to keep him company or to suggest they make dinner together, and she'll learn more by example than a more official "I will teach you how to cook" kind of thing. She can observe what he does, help out, and just sort of pick things up. If she asks questions, he'll answer them. But I'd keep it really informal unless she asks for more.

 

And the mother in law? Er... no!

[LazyDazy]

In our case, hubby did send me to the in-laws for cooking help. My mom didn't cook, so I never learned and neither did hubby. Hubby liked his grandma's cooking best so she helped me by giving me the pointers and recipes AND by telling hubby he had to eat everything I cooked for him, no matter how bad it was!! That was the best help of all.

 

If the wife-to-be is that bad of a cook, she knows it. If she wants to learn she can take the help from anyone willing to help...assuming she gets along with them. Over the years I've gotten cooking advice from hubby's grandmas, mother, and brother.

[mo2]

IMHO no man should involve his mother with his wife's cooking unless the wife instigates the involvement. And then things should move along very cautiously.

 

Shortly after we were married I made a chocolate lava cake. My husband said his mother's was better and I should ask her how to make it. The poor man didn't eat another chocolate lava cake for probably 9 years, at which point I was mature and laid-back enough to admit that his mom does make a good lava cake and ask for the recipe.

[Barry Goldwater]

Inspired by a conversation DH had with a single friend last night ....

 

Is there a decent way for a new husband whose bride is not so talented in the kitchen to "send her to [his] mother" to learn how to cook?

 

Update with s/o question: if this Dh knew how to cook, would it be better for him to offer to teach his bride himself? Or would that be just as offensive?

 

 

*clarification of intentions behind hypothetical situation attempted in post #26.

 

OMGosh...that's a suicide mission...it will be a massacre...

[Dobela]

Personally (and I'm not arguing with you, it's just a thought I had)? I think daughters and sons should learn to cook their own favorite recipes before they leave the nest. I think each child should be sent on their way with a family recipe book. I just am not sure it should be solely up to the wife to learn how to cook.

 

eta: This is coming from the fact I am the eldest, I grew up cooking and my dh has never bothered to learn how. I'd like a night off now and then that doesn't involve take out!! My dh does a lot around the house, so I can't really complain. I just think it's nice if both people know the basics.

I absolutely agree! I am the oldest, and my mother and grandmother were great cooks. I was taught at an early age. My dh was #5 of 6 kids and never cooked. He can scramble eggs, cook a frozen pizza, or make cold cereal. When I need a break, I also don't want take out scrambled eggs, frozen pizza, or cold cereal!! My kids though think he is a great cook since frozen pizza is some sort of exotic delicacy here :glare:

[Susan in KY]

IMHO no man should involve his mother with his wife's cooking unless the wife instigates the involvement. And then things should move along very cautiously.

:iagree:OTOH, I was one wife who requested lessons, since my MIL and dh are Indian and I had no idea how to make his faves. I'm glad she did—she's an amazing cook!

[Liz CA]

No, there isn't.

 

On the other hand, the two of them could sign up to take cooking classes together.

 

At least not unless DIL and MIL are best of friends. Taking a class together could be a lot of fun.

Would a good, basic cookbook suffice?

[sparrow]

Inspired by a conversation DH had with a single friend last night ....

 

Is there a decent way for a new husband whose bride is not so talented in the kitchen to "send her to [his] mother" to learn how to cook?

 

Update with s/o question: if this Dh knew how to cook, would it be better for him to offer to teach his bride himself? Or would that be just as offensive?

 

 

*clarification of intentions behind hypothetical situation attempted in post #26.

 

I audibly gasped when I read this! :lol: Wow, talk about not starting off on the right foot. I think cooking classes together is a great idea.

 

Whew! Thankful my husband thinks I'm a better cook than his mom....or at least he's smart enough to tell me I am ;).

[Giraffe]

Oh, I love my MIL too, and she's an awesome cook. I've learned quite a bit from her--but it was MY choice! If my dh had "sent me to his mother" to learn how to cook? Well, let's just say things wouldn't have been pretty!

 

That's the key. I have asked my MIL to show me a few key Filipino recipes but it was initiated by me - not my MIL and not my dh.

 

:iagree:

 

My MIL is an awesome cook and I love her too. That being said - DH was very gentle in approaching the subject of her teaching me to cook his favorite dishes. He first got recipes and techniques from her and cooked himself, then invited me to keep him company, then I offered to help and learn, then he suggested (once I showed sufficient interest) that I get the specifics from her myself. This has taken place over years, not weeks or months. We had an advantage that he's from Turkey and so I was learning a completely different cuisine - not "how to cook". My MIL is also very kind and compliments my cooking and abilities which gave me a great deal of confidence when I was just starting out.

 

We just had a "learning opportunity" this weekend and I finally learned a dish I've wanted to learn forever. But at this point it's give and take - I tell her my techniques, she tells me hers. She's a far better cook than I, but she never lauds it over me.

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

Thank-you for your input, ladies and gentleman. :D

[Laurie4b]

Since this friend can cook and likes cooking, I'm not entirely sure why he mentioned involving his mother in this hypothetical situation.

 

So I guess I'll updated with a spinoff question - would it be more appropriate for him to offer to teach her how to cook himself? In some non offensive way, ofcause.

 

My question would be: if he is already an accomplished cook, why does she have to be? Does he have some very strong definitions of gender roles? Does she share them? If she shares them, then I think he could offer to teach her to cook, but he should never, ever, ever criticize her cooking thereafter. It would be better to work together in the kitchen.

[lllll]

..

[Hikin' Mama]

NO, NO, NO! Did the groom know beforehand that the bride didn't like to cook? Then he should plan on doing the cooking. If she takes an interest, great. If not, he shouldn't try to change her once they are married. And, under no circumstances, should he suggest that his mom teach his beloved. NO, NO, NO!

[Shawna in Texas]

Oh! Another suggestion? Watch Good Eats together. Alton Brown is really good at offering adaptable recipes and gives a lot of explanation. If they get in a habit of watching together, then he can buy cookbooks and dvd sets without getting into trouble.

 

That's exactly how I learned to cook, but more importantly it made me want to learn to cook.

[Jean in Newcastle]

You said that he's a new husband. Give her time to get her feet under her.

[Gwenhwyfar]

i guess i'm a bit weird - because i think my MIL is awesome and totally wouldn't mind cooking lessons from her. :) (i'm not a great cook, everyone knows it. i wouldn't be offended at all ~ but it can't happen, as we live on diff sides of the country)

 

Oh, I love my MIL too, and she's an awesome cook. I've learned quite a bit from her--but it was MY choice! If my dh had "sent me to his mother" to learn how to cook? Well, let's just say things wouldn't have been pretty!

 

see it still wouldn't bother me - i know i'm not a great cook, he knows i'm not a great cook...it's all good.

 

(for that matter - she knows i'm not a great cook :laugh: )

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

see it still wouldn't bother me - i know i'm not a great cook, he knows i'm not a great cook...it's all good.

 

(for that matter - she knows i'm not a great cook :laugh: )

 

The humble one among us :D

 

Oh, and this really was hypothetical. Friend was basically just saying it was no problem to him if he married someone who couldn't cook because he could just send her to his mother (in a nice way - which is what I was asking about, whether there was such a way, and that was his second solution after voicing his willingness to do all the cooking himself, to cover the potential circumstance where that wouldn't be acceptable to hypothetical bride). DH immediately responded, "errr, No. Don't do that." Friend questioned whether this really wasn't a good idea and DH repeated his "No" and then turned to me to verify that really was the right answer. I told friend that I would leave that to her own volition. I'm still not sure if he truly conceded. :lol:

 

I just have to mention that DH mocked when I first mentioned that I posed this question to the Hive ... until he learned that there was almost sweeping consensus that he was right. :lol:

[mommaduck]

see it still wouldn't bother me - i know i'm not a great cook, he knows i'm not a great cook...it's all good.

 

(for that matter - she knows i'm not a great cook :laugh: )

We and extended family laugh at the kitchen goofs my SIL and I have both made (we both married brothers...I knew how to bake, but couldn't cook and she knew how to cook, but not how to bake or how to cook anything from a box).

[angela in ohio]

Why does he want a divorce so early in the marriage? :001_huh:

 

Seriosuly, there is NO way this will go well. Never, never, never. Even if she takes it well at the moment, it will linger in her brain....

 

I think it would be better for the mil to approach the subject very, very gently: "Bob has always loved my __________, do you mind if I give you the recipe so you can cook it for him? I know he would love it."

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Is it truly hypothetical? Do the husband and wife view gender roles in rigid ways or are they a partnership? Is she relegated to the home while he goes out and work or what?

 

I don't see how cooking is "the wife's job", but I know that that is not a popular opinion here.

 

I love to cook and bake, but imo that is NOT because I am in possession of a uterus. I just love cooking.

 

If anyone would have suggested such a thing when I was first married I would have been highly offended that they assumed that it was my JOB to cook for him.

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

Is it truly hypothetical? Do the husband and wife view gender roles in rigid ways or are they a partnership? Is she relegated to the home while he goes out and work or what?

 

I don't see how cooking is "the wife's job", but I know that that is not a popular opinion here.

 

I love to cook and bake, but imo that is NOT because I am in possession of a uterus. I just love cooking.

 

If anyone would have suggested such a thing when I was first married I would have been highly offended that they assumed that it was my JOB to cook for him.

 

 

Posts #26 and #47 address and hopefully clarify this. :)

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

I just went and pasted the clarifying posts in the first to avoid confusion and save ppl some trouble. :D