Overwhelmed - long

[bethben]

Yesterday our basement partially flooded. Yes, a pain to be sure, but it's brought up all the issues that I have been shoving under the rug. You see, when we were finishing our basement, I "knew" the sump pump didn't work. It became my responsibility and between doctor visits for my sons upcoming surgery and homeschooling, and everything else, I dropped the ball. So, we got a flood.

 

In our house, I am responsible almost solely for the following:

 

 

• money management
  
• cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, all shopping for anything really
  
• home maintenance (ie. when a window in our house broke, I worked with the warranty department to get a replacement, called the guy to put it in, and varnished the thing)
  
• homeschooling everything except an occasional devotion time from my husband at night
  
• Working with insurance, social services, and the school district - think lots of paperwork (my son has HUGE special needs and my daughter has a cl/cp with hearing aids)
  
• Scheduling and taking both special kids to doctor visits (we are at a minimum of three a week) while trying to maintain all the other doctor/dentist visits for the rest of us
  

 

Basically, it's too much and stuff is falling through the cracks - like the sump pump. I can't do it - I don't sleep well at night needless to say. I'm feeling overwhelmed. My husband is a great dad and excellent at what he does, but he's gone for around 11 hours of the day at work with commuting. He loves us and we can tell, but no one ever taught him all the things needed to be a husband beyond loving your wife and kids. My nearest family connection is 350 miles away. I'm asking him to figure out a way to make a little more money so I can hire a handyman all the time. A housekeeper would be nice, but for now, we can't afford either.

 

Help? How do I do this?

 

Beth

[Chris in VA]

What is the biggest burden of the things you mention, and can you imagine (realistically, not ideally) how taking one of those things off your plate would help you?

 

Cleaning, for example--could you hire a homeschooled teen to come once a week for $30 and do 3 hours of work for you? Or, could you hire a maid service to come once every other week for the "big stuff?"--I'm thinking 4 hours once every two weeks would let you have the floors and the vacuuming done, and the bathrooms cleaned, probably.

 

Could you maybe have grocery shopping thru that delivery service once a month or so?

 

My point is, what would help most, can you do it just frequently enough to give you a break, and do you know what that would free you to do?

[PollyOR]

:grouphug: Beth, those dr.'s appointments are so time consuming aren't they? I'm grateful for the help available to us. At the same time I resent how much of my time and energy it eats up. We used to visit the doctor maybe once a year. Now there are some weeks when we seem to do nothing but go to appointments.

 

My DH does offer to help me when he sees me about to break. I've found that it is more helpful if I ask for specific help with specific tasks. The more specific I am, the better the help.

 

One more :grouphug:

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I understand your frustration and exhaustion. My dh is very similar in that he works hard to pay for all we do, and he loves us, but everything else is pretty much my responsibility.

 

Have you talked with your dh about taking over at least one thing? I sat down several times with my husband to explain that I can't do it all, and for various reasons, we can't afford to hire extra help, either. Although it is still pretty much my responsibility to make sure things get done, I've developed a system of chores with a checklist. Dh does the chores, not exactly enthusiastically, but with the understanding that his help makes me much happier.

[kwickimom]

:grouphug: I just broke down this week AGAIN and begged DH AGAIN to help with just ONE thing. I am soley responsible for every.single.thing. I get physically sick worrying about and handling everything. So I cant imagine what you have to deal with with doc appts on top of what I deal with. I wish there was a way to make them understand what it does to us. I tried to explain to DH but he doesnt get it. I can only offer sympathy and prayers, as I have found nothing that works. We cant afford to pay for any help

[mmasmommy]

:grouphug:

[MamaAkins]

I completely understand your overwhelmed feelings. My husband works 2-3 jobs and is not home very often. When he is home, he's exhausted and tries to spend some quality time with the kids. Often when he's home, it's too dark or late to work on some "projects".

 

The one thing that helps me stay (somewhat) sane is the fact that I'm fairly organized. I try to make notes on our calendar so I remember to follow up with phone calls, chores, etc. Can you delegate some of your duties to kids? Can they help with basic household chores (cleaning)? Do you have a close friend that you can pair up with---spend a few hours per week (or even per month) helping each other out with household chores or errands or maintenance? Could you trade "babysitting" so you could spend a few hours working around the house without interruptions? Can your husband take off one day per month (or set aside one weekend afternoon) to get caught up on some things?

 

I hope you can find some way in which to overcome the overwhelmed feeling and that your husband can find some way in which to share more of the burden. :grouphug:

[Dobela]

:grouphug: My dh is not a handy man either - and for a time it was really difficult on me because my expectations were so much higher. I slowly came to the realization that in the list of necessary husband skills God didn't include handyman skills. I also understand special needs and doctor appts. In her first year of life dd had over 150 appts and I had to go to each one. I was beyond overwhelmed and let several things fall thru the cracks as well. :grouphug: Right now one child has tutoring 4 mornings a week while the other has therapies 4 afternoons a week and that is just the elephant in the kitchen for me.

 

My suggestion would be for you to move closer to his work if at all possible. The amount of money you save from the commute could help pay for a more expensive home. When we moved a few years ago we saved the equivalent of a house payment each year - even though the house was more expensive- just by moving closer. The reduction in car expenses was way more than I expected.

 

What can he handle from work that he isn't now? After I had a similar meltdown, my dh decided that he could handle the money issues from his job without it compromising his job. On breaks and lunch he pays the bills online or by mailing them or by paying by phone. I don't even open the envelopes any more. When they come in, I just put them in a special binder he bought just for bills and he takes care of it from there. It did take some time to get him into routine (ie missed bills and late payments) but now it is very smooth and I am very glad to not take care of it.

 

Maybe you can also pass on some jobs on occassion - like the sump pump. I have been known to get some things started but again had dh follow thru from work.

 

Another organizer that helps me is not the most attractive thing - but it works. I have taken a wall calendar apart and hung one page on every cabinet for the entire year. I have every appt on there for every child and myself. For other chores that needed to be completed (like household repairs) I made long sticky lists and stuck them to the calendar. A regular calendar was tearing up from all the flipping and taking down to view pages. I created this out of desperation the first time because I was forgetting appts and important meetings that were sometimes scheduled months in advance. Or I was late. The first big change I saw in my dh was when I started posting on this huge visable calendar of what I was trying to do. He knew I did lots, but he didn't know how much really and how it was truely effecting everything else. I guess you could say he is a visual learner.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[joannqn]

I'm asking him to figure out a way to make a little more money so I can hire a handyman all the time. A housekeeper would be nice, but for now, we can't afford either.

 

Help? How do I do this?

 

Beth

 

 

Asking a man to make more money is like telling a man he's inadequate. You don't even have to ask; if he even thinks you feel that, it will tear him down.

 

Personally, I would rather fight for my husband's time than ask him to make more money. There's never enough money. When you do make more money, it always gets used up and feels like it isn't enough again. And, on top of that, you get even less of your husband and your kids get even less of their dad.

 

On the other hand, DH working fewer hours (if he's prone to working overtime) or getting a job closer to home or moving closer to the job means your kids have a father and you have a husband. It means he has energy to be more involved and help with things like childcare and home maintenance.

 

My husband didn't think he could work fewer hours. He thought the job required it; that he didn't have a choice. He finally left that job for other reasons, promising the new job wouldn't require as many hours but he quickly fell into his workaholic tendencies. After fighting with him about it several more times, he quit that job and found another that had flexible hours. That company cut everyone's pay significantly; we could no longer pay our bills. Rather than get a second job, he quit to build his own business from the ground up. I was told that if my husband ever did chose to start his own business to be prepared to never see him. We're experiencing just the opposite, and he's now making just a little bit more than he was when he quit his job. We're barely scraping by. I'd love to have the money to buy my kids more than one pair of shoes at a time, to replace my ratty clothes, to not worry about money all of the time, but I'm much happier than I've ever been (even when he made more money than he does now) because he's home, available, involved, helps out.

 

It may seem impossible, especially in this economy. Having an available father is just too important to not keep looking for a way to have him home more.

[coffeegal]

:grouphug: Another organizer that helps me is not the most attractive thing - but it works. I have taken a wall calendar apart and hung one page on every cabinet for the entire year. I have every appt on there for every child and myself. For other chores that needed to be completed (like household repairs) I made long sticky lists and stuck them to the calendar. A regular calendar was tearing up from all the flipping and taking down to view pages. I created this out of desperation the first time because I was forgetting appts and important meetings that were sometimes scheduled months in advance. Or I was late. The first big change I saw in my dh was when I started posting on this huge visable calendar of what I was trying to do. He knew I did lots, but he didn't know how much really and how it was truely effecting everything else. I guess you could say he is a visual learner.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

:grouphug: My system is similar, although I use the computer. At the end of the month I print the coming month, and the month after that. Next Thursday I'll be printing off a copy of October and November's calendars. The 2 calendars are posted on the fridge. All appts. (including dh's) coming up in the next 2 months are written on the calendar, while all appts. that happen in December or later will be written in the margin. When I go to print the calendar at the end of October, I'll update the computer to include all new appts., print a fresh copy of November and a copy of December. All regular appts. are in the computer as repeating events, for instance we have a weekly park group, so I don't have to remember to write them on the calendar. I will also make notes of important to-dos that must occur on a certain day. It's a fairly simply system, but it works.

[Gratia271]

Yesterday our basement partially flooded. Yes, a pain to be sure, but it's brought up all the issues that I have been shoving under the rug. You see, when we were finishing our basement, I "knew" the sump pump didn't work. It became my responsibility and between doctor visits for my sons upcoming surgery and homeschooling, and everything else, I dropped the ball. So, we got a flood.

 

In our house, I am responsible almost solely for the following:

 

 

• money management

• cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, all shopping for anything really

• home maintenance (ie. when a window in our house broke, I worked with the warranty department to get a replacement, called the guy to put it in, and varnished the thing)

• homeschooling everything except an occasional devotion time from my husband at night

• Working with insurance, social services, and the school district - think lots of paperwork (my son has HUGE special needs and my daughter has a cl/cp with hearing aids)

• Scheduling and taking both special kids to doctor visits (we are at a minimum of three a week) while trying to maintain all the other doctor/dentist visits for the rest of us

 

Basically, it's too much and stuff is falling through the cracks - like the sump pump. I can't do it - I don't sleep well at night needless to say. I'm feeling overwhelmed. My husband is a great dad and excellent at what he does, but he's gone for around 11 hours of the day at work with commuting. He loves us and we can tell, but no one ever taught him all the things needed to be a husband beyond loving your wife and kids. My nearest family connection is 350 miles away. I'm asking him to figure out a way to make a little more money so I can hire a handyman all the time. A housekeeper would be nice, but for now, we can't afford either.

 

Help? How do I do this?

 

Beth

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry you are having to carry all of this alone.

[MindyD]

It's not fair for your dh to put all of this on you. Yes, he works hard, long hours. So do you. Some of these burdens NEED to go to him. A wise friend also reminds me that sometimes certain things just aren't going to happen. The house is not going to be straight all the time. We will eat out if I can't get to the store or didn't get to dinner. It just will. My dh has accepted that.

Right now my dh is working on the other side of the state during the week because he started a new job, but we can't all move until we can sell the house. This is after he spent 2 years working on his Masters, plus being in the USAF Reserves. You can imagine how busy he's been. So I completely understand being overwhelmed with too many responsibilities. But even though he's out of town during the week, he's still taking care of the finances (online bill pay and such) so I don't have to worry about that. If I do need to mail something out, he's still in charge so to speak and just reminds me instead of me being solely responsible. I've also gotten other homeschool teens to babysit for a few hours so I can get other work done that has to be done. I guess my best advice is to prioritize, let some things slide, and try your best to get your dh more involved. It's BOTH of your responsibilities, not just yours.

[katilac]

I think 11 hours a day (including commute) is pretty par for the course for many, if not most, jobs, unless your dh is working Saturdays and Sundays as well. So I don't think the issue is that he is gone too much. If he's working 7 days a week, then I don't think I would expect much other help!

 

The first thing I would do is try to calmy clarify in my own mind what contributions he does make at home. List everything that has to be done, and see who does what (ie, I don't see yardwork on your list, does he do that?). If he truly doesn't do much, you need to figure out how to change that. Maybe he can commit to three hours every Saturday morning, working on whatever needs to be done. And then take the kids to a on an outing every Saturday afternoon to give you a break, with Sunday as family day. Or perhaps 30 minutes every evening would work better.

 

You really need to brainstorm possibilities, b/c no one knows all your details. For example, I could suggest that he take over the finances, as he likely cannot take over doctor appointments, but for all I know he's rubbish at it and would bankrupt you.

 

I think the defining variable here is the special school and medical needs of your children. There's simply more to do, all of it's important, and I think it would be overwhelming no matter what. Don't be too hard on yourself or dh. Sh*t happens. We've ALL let the sump pump repairs slide, with ensuing disastrous results, y'know? You have lots of balls in the air, so give yourself some grace when one of them falls.

[Tutor]

 

Another organizer that helps me is not the most attractive thing - but it works. I have taken a wall calendar apart and hung one page on every cabinet for the entire year. I have every appt on there for every child and myself. For other chores that needed to be completed (like household repairs) I made long sticky lists and stuck them to the calendar. A regular calendar was tearing up from all the flipping and taking down to view pages. I created this out of desperation the first time because I was forgetting appts and important meetings that were sometimes scheduled months in advance. Or I was late. The first big change I saw in my dh was when I started posting on this huge visable calendar of what I was trying to do. He knew I did lots, but he didn't know how much really and how it was truely effecting everything else. I guess you could say he is a visual learner.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

We have a regular kitchen calendar, but I noticed that the kids check it but not dh. He just asks me. :glare: Soooo, I am going to use Google calendar, sync it to my iTouch for myself, but I am also going to have my dh's calendar accessible to me and have the kids' and my calendars accessible to dh. My dh needs to SEE how much I am doing and why I really need him to be home and "on duty" when it is his turn to do so. We both work predominantly from home (me 100% of the time and he about 60%), so it is easy for me to just take care of things at home and let my work slide (just the way I am). I need my dh to see what needs to be done when so that 1) he is organized (he has ADD, so he has asked me to help keep him organized... he doesn't do it naturally) and 2) he can see that I'm not "just home" and can do whatever whenever - my schedule is important and just as high a priority to me as his is to him.

[kwickimom]

I think 11 hours a day (including commute) is pretty par for the course for many, if not most, jobs, unless your dh is working Saturdays and Sundays as well. So I don't think the issue is that he is gone too much. If he's working 7 days a week, then I don't think I would expect much other help!

 

The first thing I would do is try to calmy clarify in my own mind what contributions he does make at home. List everything that has to be done, and see who does what (ie, I don't see yardwork on your list, does he do that?). If he truly doesn't do much, you need to figure out how to change that. Maybe he can commit to three hours every Saturday morning, working on whatever needs to be done. And then take the kids to a on an outing every Saturday afternoon to give you a break, with Sunday as family day. Or perhaps 30 minutes every evening would work better.

 

You really need to brainstorm possibilities, b/c no one knows all your details. For example, I could suggest that he take over the finances, as he likely cannot take over doctor appointments, but for all I know he's rubbish at it and would bankrupt you.

 

I think the defining variable here is the special school and medical needs of your children. There's simply more to do, all of it's important, and I think it would be overwhelming no matter what. Don't be too hard on yourself or dh. Sh*t happens. We've ALL let the sump pump repairs slide, with ensuing disastrous results, y'know? You have lots of balls in the air, so give yourself some grace when one of them falls.

 

On the flipside....she is working 24/7 and even if he is working 11hrs out of the home, he should shoulder SOME responsibility for finances and housework.

 

This is where my DH doesnt catch on. Just because I am at home during the day... I am up at night with the kids if they get up or are sick, I "work" well into the night on bills, emails, school planning, make ahead cooking, cleaning and picking up after everyone... and when he's off of work...hes OFF. I think if OP is doing school, house, bills AND medical and DH is doing JOB then it doesnt balance. Basically both people are "working" so the day to day and family stuff needs split up. IMO

[katilac]

On the flipside....she is working 24/7 and even if he is working 11hrs out of the home, he should shoulder SOME responsibility for finances and housework. /QUOTE]

 

I think you're misunderstanding me . . . my point was that being gone for 11 hours per day, five days a week is NOT unusual for most jobs, and is not a reason for doing absolutely nothing at home.

[simka2]

I think it is very possible for your dh to learn to be more helpful. The trick is in how he learns and what motivates him. I do not think it is your job to motivate him, but I also think it is good to be wise.

 

Just to give a peak into another house with only mild medical issues...

 

Dh works 11+ hrs M-F and 4hrs on sat...@ one job. Then he works as a staff pastor at a church, so you could add another 20hrs a week minimum.

 

I do not handle the bills or finances...we do alot of grocery shopping together as a family on a weeknight. The kids and I do the lions share of the inside chores, but dh does the outside (okay the lawn is really in need of a mow, but we did go out of town for a day)

 

Whenever, I need help though...all I need to do is ask. So sometimes if I don't get to something during the day...I will ask dh to do it. Tonight, he will help me with the kitchen, after he coaches the twins soccer team.

 

There isn't a strict division of labor in our home...at one point we lived that way, it was pretty miserable :(

 

Don't know if it helps at all, but I am sorry you are overwhelmed. I get that way, and I know I can ask for help.

[kwickimom]

On the flipside....she is working 24/7 and even if he is working 11hrs out of the home, he should shoulder SOME responsibility for finances and housework. /QUOTE]

 

I think you're misunderstanding me . . . my point was that being gone for 11 hours per day, five days a week is NOT unusual for most jobs, and is not a reason for doing absolutely nothing at home.

 

I must have, sorry! I thought you said "I wouldnt expect much other help"

[bethben]

He admits that he isn't a handyman and doesn't think like one. I unfortunately do. He told me to come up with a list of things that I see needing to be done that aren't getting done. The thing is, he admits that he doesn't know how to do them and we don't have the cash (especially now) to pay for the help. I have around 15-20 things on that list. Broken tiles, windows that still need to be varnished from the basement re-do, moldy trim, on and on. He does mow and fertilize the lawn, but I do the weeding and trimming (which is not getting done either). Part of the problem is that we have an 11 year old baby. We can't really work together and I'm just having trouble figuring out how to make the best use of someone to babysit our 11 year old. It's hard, I'm tired and I'm going to get a hot shower and hit the bed. It's been two days of ripping out soaked carpet padding. Nothing like 1200 sq feet of disaster. Nothing compared to a lot of people. And just for the record, our part of MN had 10.5 inches of water in 36 hours. Hurricanes soak as much.

 

Beth

[MindyD]

Would your home insurance cover this?

[bethben]

yup- still out of pocket deductible...

[i.love.lucy]

On the flipside....she is working 24/7 and even if he is working 11hrs out of the home, he should shoulder SOME responsibility for finances and housework.

 

This is where my DH doesnt catch on. Just because I am at home during the day... I am up at night with the kids if they get up or are sick, I "work" well into the night on bills, emails, school planning, make ahead cooking, cleaning and picking up after everyone... and when he's off of work...hes OFF. I think if OP is doing school, house, bills AND medical and DH is doing JOB then it doesnt balance. Basically both people are "working" so the day to day and family stuff needs split up. IMO

I am glad to see I'm not alone. My dh would help more if I asked, but why do I always have to ask? I wish once in a while I would like to be served or made to feel special, or recognized for all I do and cherished for it. It's a hard stage of life.

 

Beth, :grouphug:. You do have a lot on your plate. I pray your dh will be able to see that with things falling through the cracks you need his help.

 

Do you think you might have a friend or neighbor that is good at handy stuff that could help? Even an older retired man from church or something. I think sometimes we just have to ask out loud for people to be able to know our needs. We want our husbands to see that the trash needs to go out or the floor needs a vacuum, but maybe someone outside your home can help you and you do need to ask out loud.

[simka2]

This will sound totally harsh :), but I would put the computer in dh's hands and say. "google how to varnish a window!" Then the next thing, then the next thing!

 

My dh is not a handy man, but it has been fun watching him learn!!! Okay so when he almost electricuted himself, not fun..but he learned a lot. The 1st time he installed a ceiling fan, he was so proud!!! Your dh can do this!!!

 

For what it's worth I'm pretty handy, but if I take it all on..nothing gets done. Sometimes playing the damsel in distress, gives him a hero complex;)

 

I am so sorry about the rain, it has been horrible up there!