Chris in VA Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 W/O going into detail (but you can probably guess what the subject is), my dad wants to share information, from his perspective, about something I consider spiritually dangerous. He will skew the information. He will not give all sides. I believe this is the very LAST thing my son needs at this point. But I love and honor my dad. He does not mean to be offensive to me, and loves me very much. He knows a little about my perspective on this subject, and did me the courtesy of forwarding an email he sent to ds re this subject. He said he will speak further with my son at Christmas when he comes to visit (with my mom), and in the meantime, look around for resources for my son. I want to throw up. Really. WWYD if something like this were happening in your home? Remember, this son is 18 but has rather stunted maturity due to drug issues (not brain damage per se, but experts say addiction stunts maturation). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veritaserum Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 Your son is living with you? I would protect my son from something I consider to be dangerous by speaking with him at length about the topic and I would explain why I believe Grandpa's views are harmful. Having no idea what the topic is, that is what I would do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EJCMom Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 I have no idea what the subject is or what the dangerous view could be, so I will give sort of a general answer. I think since he is 18 there isn't much you can do to prevent them from speaking. But, I would definitely make sure that my son understood my position on the subject and why I believed the information to be dangerous. At this point, that's really all you can do from a practical standpoint. That -- and trust that God uses everything for good. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 Wow, sorry Chris! I've had to deal with this myself and it is on-going. My MIL is a spiritualist with very different ideas regarding salvation, sin and God than my own. The core belief of hers is to love and not judge and that we should all just love and love and it'll all be perfect. Anyway, when the children were young and we were teaching them traditional, Biblical Christianity, we told her that these are our children and we are teaching them and that her belief need to stay with her and she was not to share them with the children. For the most part she has honored that. She has walked up to the line and stepped over a wee bit a couple of times as the children have grown. I taught my children what I know about what she believes and how it is different from what I believe and we revisit those discussions over time. The children are now 11-20. I know that she gives my oldest daughter more information now and sometimes it does bother me. I just keep discussions going whenever something comes up. My children love this grandmother and she has been a great part of our life. We have all been influenced by her... myself included... to look at our own selves and evaluate if we are being loving and to stop judging... but, when it comes to critical areas of our faith, it is just that... critical. I wish I had more to offer besides "discussions". I guess I do. Pray. If you believe in prayer, keep your prayers going. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 I can't guess. Our beliefs are pretty different from a good number of people's. My mom has much more liberal, and almost never spiritually inspired, beliefs. So we've had a little of this; but the topic we most deal with doesn't seem to be quite as serious (and for that matter, we're not nearly as staunch on that one) as yours is. In OUR home, we discuss other beliefs at length. I think I'd discuss with ds what DFs beliefs are and why you disagree. Also, I would help a teenager especially to understand how to stop a conversation he's not interested in in a respectful manner. So just as my child, at 4, would tell gma that a show was not appropriate for him to watch, I could help a teenager (if he needed help) to state himself firmly; but respectfully about sex, drugs, college, or whatever else the issue could be about. Sorry I can't help further without knowing the topic. Basically, I'd share df's beliefs as you understand them, discuss your own beliefs and reasoning, and help him learn to stop conversations he doesn't want to continue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenhwyfar Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 i don't know what the subject is, but i would respect your son's right to discuss whatever he wants with whomever he wants. :) he's an adult - addiction issues don't change that. of course, if he's willing to listen & discuss it, you can also talk about why you *personally* feel that your father's position is incorrect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 Did your son ask your dad for this information, or is has your dad just decided on his own to share? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 Talk to him about it in a gentle manner, reminding him of your family's beliefs, and that Grandpa doesn't view things the same way. Love him, and drop it, unless he comes to you about it. And pray, pray, PRAY in the meantime. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 I do know what the subject is;) and I would tell your dad "no". Why is this coming up now? Would he be willing to wait even a year to talk to him about this? In the meantime, I would try to "inoculate" him by talking about what the Bible says about key issues. Some of the books on apologetics are good at teaching people who are already believe the reasons behind key doctrines. Of course, you can't force this kind of learning so a lot of it will depend on if he wants to have these discussions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 What a tough place for you, especially, in that it is coming from a source of *beloved* influence. Is it possible for you to (personally, quietly) spend time to dissect the error of this teaching, and then engage your son in casual discussion on it? In a manner of helping him think through the truth vs what's not the truth, point by point (broken down into small bites for easier consideration)? I would be tempted to block these emails... but the fact is, all our kids, whatever their circumstances, are going to face a lot of varying "truths" as they go out on their own. It is scary, isn't it? It's a great charge to teach them to know for sure the reasons for the hope they have within them. And to also teach them that's it's *OK* to ask tough questions of our faith. The Truth can stand up under scrutiny and weather the test of time. Prayers today for you, Chris, and for all believing moms who want their kids to walk in the Truth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarcyB Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 Talk to him about it in a gentle manner, reminding him of your family's beliefs, and that Grandpa doesn't view things the same way. Love him, and drop it, unless he comes to you about it. And pray, pray, PRAY in the meantime. :iagree: I would also add that I would share with your father your concerns, to let him know that you feel he's intruding if it wasn't your son's request to speak to his grandfather on the matter. If your son did go to his grandfather for advice, I feel you can't stand in the way, but explain your Biblical beliefs, and pray. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 You know, I'm going to be the odd ball here. I am a fairly devout Catholic, raising my child in the faith. But if years from now she falls prey to drugs or alcohol I will do what ever it takes to get her through it and over it. Including tolerating and possibly even accepting that she moves away from Christianity into another religion. If something about Buddhism, Islam, Hindu or even one of the neo-pagan religions clicked in her brain and helped her stay sober for years and years I'd accept it in a heartbeat. I can always pray for her immortal soul. If it is God's will she will come back to the fold. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 I don't have much advice to offer. Mostly sympathy. I cannot guess what the specific issue is, but I will say that my mother holds some spiritual beliefs which I think are both erroneous and dangerous. Furthermore, her church absolutely COMPELS her to try to convert people to her faith, even other Christians (because they do not believe that other Christians have salvation). So I know that while she is being perfectly respectful of my rights as a parent right now, when my daughter comes of age she will try to convert her. It's not an if/maybe kind of issue. It's only a question of *when*. So, all I know to do is, in the meantime, live my faith to the fullest that I can, and make sure my daughter grows up surrounded by, steeped in, the truth and beauty of our faith. Even though she's only 10, we've already had some conversations about what her grandmother believes, and why I feel that it is not accordance with what the Church and the Bible teaches us. (This is done, to the best of my ability, in a kind, respectful, and age-appropriate way. Issues have come up where she has asked me "Why doesn't Nana do this?" Or "why does Nana believe that?" And I talk with her pretty frankly about it.) I dont know you, obviously, but I would wager a guess that you've done a pretty good job of raising your son to live your faith. Trust in that. Pray. And talk to your son very openly and frankly about what his grandfather believes and why you believe differently. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 Talk to him about it in a gentle manner, reminding him of your family's beliefs, and that Grandpa doesn't view things the same way. Love him, and drop it, unless he comes to you about it. And pray, pray, PRAY in the meantime. This is what I do with dsd, who shares, well, pretty much NONE of our (dh and I) religious convictions. It's hard. But you can't force someone to believe something, as I'm sure you know. At the same time, neither can grandpa. So, your son will believe what he decides, regardless of how you feel about it. I know how hard that is; but remember, we as parents are not responsible for what our children ultimately choose to believe. All we can do is teach, guide, correct, pray. The Lord will handle the rest as he sees fit. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 Prayers today for you, Chris, and for all believing moms who want their kids to walk in the Truth. Amen to that. It brought tears to my eyes. I cry out to the Lord regularly for my stepdaughter. It's so hard knowing I can't MAKE her believe. The Lord is using it to teach me to REALLY trust that He is in control of everything. And that he calls whom he calls, and hardens who he hardens. An easy truth to believe, until one of your own children is hardened. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenhwyfar Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 I would be tempted to block these emails... i think that would be over the line. this isn't a six year old child being talked about here.....know what i mean? if the adult son finds out that his mom blocked emails addressed to HIM.... that's not gonna go well at all. thinking back to 18... if my parent had tried to keep me from talking to someone, getting emails, etc... i'd have been *furious* with her and it would have put a serious dent in our relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 (edited) .. Edited January 2, 2013 by ksva Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 Chiming in as an "other" ;), I guess you could say that we often deal with the opposite, yet equal issue, though my kids are younger. We don't censor the grandparents (though one side usually censors themselves). Instead, we have MANY conversations about why Grandma or Grandpa says/thinks/feels/believes XYZ, and why Mom and Dad respectfully disagree. Then we typically relate it back to some wonderful SOTW chapters, because that's what's relevant to them right now. :D Since communication with your particular ds may be strained at times, I could understand that that might not sit well with you but, considering his age and independence (or perceived independence!), it may be your best bet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 (edited) i think that would be over the line. this isn't a six year old child being talked about here.....know what i mean? if the adult son finds out that his mom blocked emails addressed to HIM.... that's not gonna go well at all. thinking back to 18... if my parent had tried to keep me from talking to someone, getting emails, etc... i'd have been *furious* with her and it would have put a serious dent in our relationship. (Gently) I believe you have quoted me out of context. I would be *tempted* to block them, but as you can see (from my FULL post) I would actually choose another route. Edited September 21, 2010 by AuntieM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 i don't know what the subject is, but i would respect your son's right to discuss whatever he wants with whomever he wants. :) he's an adult - addiction issues don't change that. of course, if he's willing to listen & discuss it, you can also talk about why you *personally* feel that your father's position is incorrect. :iagree:I can't agree enough! He is an adult, he "could" see you as controlling or insecure in your belife in a powerful God. That could turn him even more from your faith. Please note I said ... could. I don't have enough info to say for certain. Also, I think you have nothing to fear, if you have an open relationship with your ds. Talk to him, about what concerns you...if he will let you. Can I ask a gentle question? Why would you be afraid of what someone else has to say? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 Chris, I know a lot of Christians are wary in this area. But, maybe it *would* help your son? If he isn't spiritually ready to walk with Christ, maybe *this* would be an emotional crutch he could lean on in the mean time? I understand the danger in it, but I also understand the huge number of people who have been helped. You are right that it can be spiritually dangerous. It can also begin to set people on the right path who move on and accept the help of Christ instead of their fellow humans. I'm so sorry you are going through this, I can't imagine your heartache. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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