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I am really irritated at my family.


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We moved to FL because my uncle/aunt offered dh a job. It was supposed to be $8.50 per hour, then a raise after training because he was going to be the manager.

 

They ended up paying him $8 for 6 months, then he left and went to work with my mom. She has a restaurant and he was a line cook. He was making $9 an hour, but she scheduled him for enough hours so that he brought home $400 a week. It was never intended to be permanent as there were no benefits, long hours (mostly nights), and the pay still wasn't great.

 

A couple of months later, my other aunt found him a job at the track. It had benefits and pays $10.50. It is hard manual labor and about 3-4 months out of the year there is mandatory overtime (70-80 hours a week.) There is no where to advance at this job - one guy who has been there 19 years makes only slightly more than dh. It is *definitely* a good job for here - don't get me wrong! We are happy to have it at this time when so many others are unemployed. It's a job that if they advertised an opening there would probably be a 1000 applicants (because of where it is.)

 

But, this is not long-term sustainable. No one can live long term on $21K per year with 8 people. We decided that next year (so we can get some money together) dh is going back to school and I will go to work FT. This will mean moving where his school is, because the colleges here don't have what he wants to study.

 

I put the dc in school last week so we can get IEP's in place now instead of when I have a job. Everyone is so happy that I finally came to my senses and put them in school! They will be so much better off now that they are in school with professionals.:glare: My aunt even made a CAKE to celebrate their first week at school!:001_huh:

 

So, yesterday, my mom (the matriarch of the family) tells me what they have all been discussing. They have decided that we are being absolutely ridiculous to do this. Since they know people that make $60K per year with my education/experience, I just need to stay here and get a job now. Dh should either choose something that the school here has or forget about school and stay where he is.

 

Since he hasn't been happy with any of the 3 jobs he has had here he won't be happy doing anything, so we might as well stay here where I have "help." Otherwise I am going to get stuck somewhere else with no help. I guess that means that dh is no help.:confused: The help has been babysitting occasionally when I need to go to appts. with the dc (mostly the special needs kiddoes.) When dh is in school FT, he will be the one handling most appointments and kid issues (because his schedule will be more flexible.)

 

Honestly, I understand that I am going to have to work, probably even after dh gets a degree and gets going in his career. So, if that is the case, isn't it better to go somewhere we might be happier? The place we have chosen is 10 hours closer to my FIL. It is 4 hours from my Dad. It is 10 hours from here. The cost of living is lower and the unemployment rate is much lower than here. Wages for the type of job I am after are about the same.

 

So, why is this any of their business?!?!?! It isn't like I have said we are running away to join the circus!

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Hey, even if you are joining the circus, how is that their business? After all, I assume even most circuses do pay their employees.

 

If your mom can actually get you a job paying 60K a year, by next month, then I would listen to her. So far, though, it doesn't seem like they've come through for your family.

 

However, I can kind of see her point that moving now, with no job lined up, might be foolish. There are costs associated with moving. Is your husband actually admitted to the school he wants to attend? Is there any way you could get a job where you are while he takes classes that will transfer to his intended degree/certificate? (Although, a lot times, class transfers can be problematic. You would need to check into this.)

 

No matter how much you might want to get away from these busybodies, make sure you've really thought this decision through. If you have already thought it through in great detail, then please ignore my advice (I assume you've had enough already!)

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Your mom wants to keep you close. She doesn't care if her son-in-law wants more than manual labor - she wants to keep you close. That is all I see going on. Move, get a job, let hubby go to school - do what YOU BOTH want to do and just smile and nod at your Mom.

 

You wanna know what is crazy? We see her about once per month. She lives about 5 miles from us, but she has two businesses that she is running, so she never has time for us. I see one of my aunts more often than that, and the other aunt I only see at holidays! (We all live in the same place.)

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Hey, even if you are joining the circus, how is that their business? After all, I assume even most circuses do pay their employees.

 

If your mom can actually get you a job paying 60K a year, by next month, then I would listen to her. So far, though, it doesn't seem like they've come through for your family.

 

However, I can kind of see her point that moving now, with no job lined up, might be foolish. There are costs associated with moving. Is your husband actually admitted to the school he wants to attend? Is there any way you could get a job where you are while he takes classes that will transfer to his intended degree/certificate? (Although, a lot times, class transfers can be problematic. You would need to check into this.)

 

No matter how much you might want to get away from these busybodies, make sure you've really thought this decision through. If you have already thought it through in great detail, then please ignore my advice (I assume you've had enough already!)

 

He will go to the cc there for one year to get residency and finish his AA. The college he will go to for his final degree has an agreement with the cc that guarantees admission as long as he has at least a 2.0.

 

I have compiled a "moving budget" that includes deposits, moving expenses, several months of full regular bills, etc. Between tax refund and dh's OT (Jan-Mar is his busiest time) we will have that covered. Even so, I am going to most likely work tax season somewhere (I am an accountant) in order to increase that cushion and cover unforseen problems.

 

Dh will start applying for seasonal summer positions in the area we are moving to. There are many camps, resorts, etc, in this area that hire summer only. This (even if it is very low paying) will stretch our fund out for more than 3 months. We are used to living on little, trust me!:tongue_smilie:

 

Actually, it seems less crazy to do what we are planning to do than it was last year. We packed up our whole family, left the 17yo in NC, and moved to FL for an $8 an hour job.:glare: We had *nothing* then. We lived with my mother for 3 months which was horrible for everyone (both sides of that equation!) We moved into a 30 year old trailer with floors that are almost gone in some places.

 

And, no, my mom cannot get me a job paying $60K next month.:lol: Maybe $30K!

Edited by Renee in FL
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My mom, who I do love very much, has not adjusted yet to the fact that I live 6 hours from her, and it's been 20 years. My brother moved cross country to be closer to them, leaving his IL's 3000 miles away. My parents *never* go to see them, all visits are coming to the parents, and they've been almost no "help", though they think they are a lot of help.

 

I think you have to accept that family would like you to be closer, and haven't considered everyone's needs in the decision. I don't like being far from Mom and Dad, but realistically, it is the only sensible option for us right now. You have to do what is best for all of you. ((hugs))

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My mom, who I do love very much, has not adjusted yet to the fact that I live 6 hours from her, and it's been 20 years. My brother moved cross country to be closer to them, leaving his IL's 3000 miles away. My parents *never* go to see them, all visits are coming to the parents, and they've been almost no "help", though they think they are a lot of help.

 

I think you have to accept that family would like you to be closer, and haven't considered everyone's needs in the decision. I don't like being far from Mom and Dad, but realistically, it is the only sensible option for us right now. You have to do what is best for all of you. ((hugs))

 

Until now, we have never lived near my mother. In fact, when I was 2, she left me in NC with my father and moved to FL. I lived with her from ages 12-16. Otherwise, we have always been at least 10 hours apart.

 

I know that she doesn't want us to leave! I totally understand that she would rather have her grandchildren close. (And, just to clarify for those who might be thinking she needs us - she is only 50, so won't be in need of care for many, many years.)

 

Her love isn't going to get my 12yo braces or get us off food stamps, though.

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Over the couple of years we have been dealing with dh's family who think they should have control over the decisions we make and are often critical of most of our decisions...even down to the details of us getting a dog.

 

We are learning the hard way that talking to them about our lives just makes things worse.

 

I suggest being pleasant to your family, spend some time with them, but don't let them in on your life changing decisions. When you get ready to move give them a couple of weeks notice. When you change jobs, don't let them know until it is a done deal. I HTH it is a long road ahead.

 

:grouphug:

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I'd have to ask her to find you that job first. ;)

 

Since I live near you ... I know a CPA here and she's not making 60K a year. No where near that. Not because it's not a warranted salary but because the economy is depressed all over, ESPECIALLY here. She work for LPGA.

 

Really, who can afford to pay a CPA here? What you'll see ads for here are $10/hr bookkeepers who can do Quickbooks,etc... Most hotels are corporate now so the mom&pop hotels are extinct. There is no industry here. I think the largest CPA around here is on Ridgewood, Renee (if that's any indication). He came highly recommended to dh but having spoken to him, he's struggling. A lot.

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I'd have to ask her to find you that job first. ;)

 

Since I live near you ... I know a CPA here and she's not making 60K a year. No where near that. Not because it's not a warranted salary but because the economy is depressed all over, ESPECIALLY here. She work for LPGA.

 

Really, who can afford to pay a CPA here? What you'll see ads for here are $10/hr bookkeepers who can do Quickbooks,etc... Most hotels are corporate now so the mom&pop hotels are extinct. There is no industry here. I think the largest CPA around here is on Ridgewood, Renee (if that's any indication). He came highly recommended to dh but having spoken to him, he's struggling. A lot.

 

That is mostly what I have seen - bookkeepers making $10-12 an hour. There are very few companies that have accountants on staff here. She does have connections at a few places, but ISC isn't hiring (as we just discussed!) and the other company laid off half their staff in 2008.

 

:lol: at Accountants on Ridgewood - I wonder what kind of clients *they* are handling.:lol: I'm really not looking for a public accounting job - I'd rather find something in the private sector doing cost and/or controller duties.

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He will go to the cc there for one year to get residency and finish his AA. The college he will go to for his final degree has an agreement with the cc that guarantees admission as long as he has at least a 2.0.

 

I have compiled a "moving budget" that includes deposits, moving expenses, several months of full regular bills, etc. Between tax refund and dh's OT (Jan-Mar is his busiest time) we will have that covered. Even so, I am going to most likely work tax season somewhere (I am an accountant) in order to increase that cushion and cover unforseen problems.

 

Dh will start applying for seasonal summer positions in the area we are moving to. There are many camps, resorts, etc, in this area that hire summer only. This (even if it is very low paying) will stretch our fund out for more than 3 months. We are used to living on little, trust me!:tongue_smilie:

 

Actually, it seems less crazy to do what we are planning to do than it was last year. We packed up our whole family, left the 17yo in NC, and moved to FL for an $8 an hour job.:glare: We had *nothing* then. We lived with my mother for 3 months which was horrible for everyone (both sides of that equation!) We moved into a 30 year old trailer with floors that are almost gone in some places.

 

And, no, my mom cannot get me a job paying $60K next month.:lol: Maybe $30K!

 

I agree - this is an actual long term plan. Before it was "move here and we'll make sure you're covered." And then they haven't. Add in that your dh hates it there, and that you're starting to see that it wasn't a bad thing being hours away from them all, AND that you'll be closer to me :D

and I really like your plan!

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Mom's are used to being the boss. Add to that your mom's type of work...being the boss. She is stuck in the "I have to think for other people" mode. Regardless, she needs to realize you are an adult. :grouphug:

 

My mom lives next door (other half of our duplex) during the summer months. I have struggled this year because my mom is constantly giving me advice. I keep reminding myself that she is only doing this because she loves me and wants life to go more smoothly for me. She is criticizing, counseling, advising, etc. because she loves me. sigh.

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You wanna know what is crazy? We see her about once per month. She lives about 5 miles from us, but she has two businesses that she is running, so she never has time for us. I see one of my aunts more often than that, and the other aunt I only see at holidays! (We all live in the same place.)

 

So the stay where you are so you'll have help argument is based on thin air, isn't it?

 

Go where you need to go. Your relatives love you all and don't want you to move so far away from them. Maybe they believe that if worst comes to worst, they will be there to help your family with necessities like food, shelter, a job. Maybe they are afraid you will be so far away that they won't be able to protect you. Even so, your own family has to come first.

 

Love makes it their business, but it doesn't force you to get into long discussions, arguing the why's and wherefore's. It is not your responsibility to make them all happy or to persuade them around to your point of view.

 

My family does that about everything. One time, everyone (aunts, uncles, adult cousins) sat around the table having a heated (loud) discussion about what Uncle Tommy should do about his roof. This went on for about 20 minutes. Uncle Tommy was getting red-faced. Finally he stood up and yelled at them to shut up about his roof -- the problem had already been solved, a new roof was on his house -- and they all knew it! I was just visiting, enjoying the show, until I found out that everyone was arguing about a moot subject.

Edited by RoughCollie
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So the stay where you are so you'll have help argument is based on thin air, isn't it?

 

Go where you need to go. Your relatives love you all and don't want you to move so far away from them. But your own family has to come first.

 

Love makes it their business, but it doesn't force you to get into long discussions, arguing the why's and wherefore's. It is not your responsibility to make them all happy or to persuade them around to your point of view.

 

My family does that about everything. One time, everyone (aunts, uncles, adult cousins) sat around the table having a heated (loud) discussion about what Uncle Tommy should do about his roof. This went on for about 20 minutes. Uncle Tommy was getting red-faced. Finally he stood up and yelled at them to shut up about his roof -- the problem had already been solved, a new roof was on his house -- and they all knew it! I was just visiting, enjoying the show, until I found out that everyone was arguing about a moot subject.

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

Sounds about right! You are right - we have to do what we think is best, regardless of what others *think* we should do. I didn't ask them for advice - just told them what we were planning to do. At first my mother was okay with it (sad, but okay) but then everyone else got involved. I am dreading seeing my aunt again soon, because it will lead to another awkward conversation.

 

My aunt has helped me quite a bit with babysitting (probably 8-10 times) and I do appreciate it, but that doesn't mean I can't function without her. I think the problem is that we have *never* lived away from family - we lived near my Dad, near his parents, and near my mom. One of the reasons we chose where we are going was because there was no family close by!:lol:

 

So, where's that bean dip recipe?:tongue_smilie:

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I wasted too many years listening to my family dictate what I should do instead of doing what I felt was right.

 

Life has been so much better since I started standing up for myself. I know tell them (without hesitation) that I didn't ask for their opinion and I'm not really interested in what they have to say.

 

They always looked stunned and then shut up. It makes me feel really good. :D

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Guest janainaz

When you are a grown-up, with grown-up responsibilities, you need to stop concerning yourself with what your family thinks. You have a family that needs to be taken care of. You created the family and you have to do what is right for you, and for them. Don't stress or spend time obsessing over what other family members have to say. You know the right move to take and you alone are responsible for that decision.:001_smile:

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So, why is this any of their business?!?!?! It isn't like I have said we are running away to join the circus!

Oh yes, family can be so irritating. Sometimes we just need to vent about how annoying they are. But I am sure you already know that you will just need to do what you need to do in order to take care of your immediate family the best you can. Tell your Mom you will just have to make the "sacrifice" and move so you and your husband can earn enough to support your family. If she whines or complains, oh well, she will miss you, but she is not in charge of making these decisions, right ?

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When you are a grown-up, with grown-up responsibilities, you need to stop concerning yourself with what your family thinks. You have a family that needs to be taken care of. You created the family and you have to do what is right for you, and for them. Don't stress or spend time obsessing over what other family members have to say. You know the right move to take and you alone are responsible for that decision.:001_smile:

Wow. Having issues and things that bother us about our family does not make us not "grown-up". A person can have family issues and be the most mature person you could ever meet. My fil, who is in his 80's, at times vents a little about family issues. I wouldn't dream about saying to him "when you are a grown-up".... He would think that was very condescending.

Ummm, maybe venting here is her way of not obsessing over what the other family members say.

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................

My family does that about everything. One time, everyone (aunts, uncles, adult cousins) sat around the table having a heated (loud) discussion about what Uncle Tommy should do about his roof. This went on for about 20 minutes. Uncle Tommy was getting red-faced. Finally he stood up and yelled at them to shut up about his roof -- the problem had already been solved, a new roof was on his house -- and they all knew it! I was just visiting, enjoying the show, until I found out that everyone was arguing about a moot subject.

That is so funny - to me anyway, maybe it is not so funny if it is happening to you. But reading it made me laugh. :lol::lol::lol: I wouldn't give a hoot what all of the relatives thought about my roof - or whatever - and it would be just funny to me if they all had that type of discussion about it. I would think they had all lost their minds. :tongue_smilie::lol:

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