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Am I being completely unreasonable?


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This has been bugging me for a while. Briefly, I have 3 kids - 7,6 &4. We live on a quiet block in a small town in California. Every backyard on our block is surrounded by a 6' tall fence. My kids like to play with the neighbor kids their age. We don't know all the neighbors on our block.

 

Now, our rule is the kids can play up and down the block with whomever, but they have to stay in the street or in front yards. I have several reasons for this...

1) Supervision - I want to be able to go outside and glance up the street and see what they're up to

2) Ease of calling - I want to be able to yell, "Time for dinner" and not have to knock on doors

3) Safety - I don't know all the neighbors and some I do know... ok, they just don't have the same rules about videos, etc. etc. as we do, ,plus there are older brothers around and I have a 4 year old daughter.

 

THe problem is... not every family has this rule. THe neighbor girls (who are also 7) can go in backyards. They've been in our backyard, which is fine with us. But, now the mob is in someone else's backyard and I feel kind of bad because our kids are going to get in trouble, but our rules cause them to be left out. Are our rules unreasonable? I feel I have justification, but I still feel bad for my kids.

Comments?

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Well, I have the same exact rules and live in a very similar neighborhood (Bakersfield). It doesn't really matter to me if the rules are considered unreasonable. Given the way the neighborhood is set up, there is just no way to supervise behaviors when the kids are in backyards. Everyone has to stay out front. Stick to your guns, Mom.

Edited by Daisy
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Is this one particular yard that seems to be the hot spot right now? Perhaps you could go down and introduce yourself to the parents and get to know them in order to put your mind at ease. I'm suggesting that because there might be play equipment in the back yard - a trampoline, fort, swing set - that provides some kind of outlet for their energy. If there is just grass in the front yard they may be getting bored. Just a thought. I don't live in a neighborhood like that so not sure if my opinion is worth considering.

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The two older ones (if they were mine) would be allowed to play in the backyards of the people we knew, BUT they would have to come tell me every.single.time they were going into a different yard.

 

My 9 y/o has to do this now. She either plays out front on our block (she's not allowed to leave our block), or she plays in one of 4 backyards: Ours, her cousins', or one of two other neighborhood friends.

 

She always, always has to tell me where she's going to be. So she might be playing out front, and then she'll pop her head in and tell me she'll be in Emily's backyard, and maybe an hour later she'll come tell me she'll be in Zack's backyard- it's fine because I've met their parents, she plays with them regularly, and I know where she is at all times.

 

With your 7 year old, I'd do the same thing. And possibly with your 6 year old if it's a mature enough 6 year old.

 

My 4 y/o has a lot more restrictions because, well, he's only 4! :) so he's not allowed out front without an adult at all, and he can only go in our backyard or his cousins' backyard (3 houses away) if his almost 10 y/o sister is with him.

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Well, we don't have kids on our block. Our street is almost completely empty due to this economy... 8 houses and 3 are occupied. One is a single guy, one an elderly couple, and a new family who just moved in. But, I have never allowed my kids to just run and play and go into other people's houses or backyards. When we play, we set up a play date and I go and chat with the mom while the kids play.

 

I had a friend that I thought was a trustworthy friend, who turned out to be a child molester. So, you NEVER know... if even you think you do. I am always on the overprotective side. But I don't keep my kids from doing things they wanna do. They just don't have the freedom to go play wherever they want. I don't feel like their lives are incomplete at all. I'd much rather be safe than sorry.

 

Just my 2 cents... even if it is unpopular. :001_smile:

 

Shalynn

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The two older ones (if they were mine) would be allowed to play in the backyards of the people we knew, BUT they would have to come tell me every.single.time they were going into a different yard.

 

 

We had similar rules back when there were more families with children in our neighborhood. They were allowed to play at any of their friends' houses, but if I couldn't see them from my front yard, they were to call and tell me each time they switched houses.

 

Barb

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The two older ones (if they were mine) would be allowed to play in the backyards of the people we knew, BUT they would have to come tell me every.single.time they were going into a different yard.

 

We have this rule, and it works well. The moms pretty much agreed on it together. The "you have to tell me" part took a time or two, but once it was clear we were serious, the kids accepted it and all was well.

 

Mostly they play at my house anyway. I do try to make sure there are things to do here. :001_smile:

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I dont live in the U.S. where people are quite protective in that way...but if I lived in a relatively safe place, I think I would just make the effort to introduce myself to the neighbours the kids want to play at.

In the street I live- in a quiet suburb in a city- the kids all go to each others' homes. One kid was banned from all our homes for stealing. Other than that, it is a very sweet gang of kids and my son is the oldest and the other parents trust him. It makes homeschooling so much easier when there are kids in the street to play with after school.

Your kids are young...its natural to be protective. For myself...I have checked out the other parents- just by saying hello and connecting as I walk past and they happen to be out front...and I feel fine about it all. My son spends half his life at one place and teases me that Rosie, his friends' mum, is his "other mum".

I am one who prefers to allow my kids a more free range childhood as much as possible....I wouldnt allow them anywhere I felt uncomfortable about, but I would allow visiting other homes, especially if they are with a group.

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My dc are not allowed to play an anyone's yard (front or back) unless I have introduced myself to the parents and scoped out the yards. So far I haven't run across any yards that I disapprove of but if I did they would be off limits.

They have to let me know who's yard they are in at all times and I have the phone numbers of all the parents whose houses they visit. No one is ever allowed in anyone's house (and the other parents know that is a rule of mine) with the exception of two neighbors.

 

The introduction goes like this, "Hi, I'm _____and I am ________mom. I know my dc like to play with your dc and I wanted to meet you and make sure you were okay with my dc playing in your yards. If you don't mind, I know it's a strange request, but could I check out your backyard just to put my mind at rest that there isn't anything back there that my dc might not be allowed to play with...I'm a real stickler for safe play equipment. Oh, and one other thing, hubby and I have a rule that the dc aren't allowed to play in anyone's house that we are just acquaintances with. I'm sure you can understand."

 

Everyone I have had this conversation with has been more than understanding with my concern and if they hadn't been it would have been my red flag that my dc shouldn't be playing at that house.

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If you don't mind, I know it's a strange request, but could I check out your backyard just to put my mind at rest that there isn't anything back there that my dc might not be allowed to play with...I'm a real stickler for safe play equipment. Oh, and one other thing, hubby and I have a rule that the dc aren't allowed to play in anyone's house that we are just acquaintances with. I'm sure you can understand."

 

I just can't imagine how this could be received politely. If I were on the receiving end of this, I would feel inspected, judged, and rejected. You may want to rethink your approach.

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I just can't imagine how this could be received politely. If I were on the receiving end of this, I would feel inspected, judged, and rejected. You may want to rethink your approach.

 

My approach works just fine for me and for the 10 families that live on my street that I have used it with. They feel the same way I do about the safety of their children. I don't understand why people have to walk around on eggshells in fear of offending people with honesty. If someone can't handle my honest request to make sure their yards are a safe place for my dc to play then I don't want my dc playing there anyway. My dc come before someone's super sensitivity. Different strokes and all that.

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I agree with insisting that your kids come back and ask before going into backyards. The first few times they want to go into a backyard you haven't been in, go with them. Hang out, supervise and get to know the family and how the kids play in the yard. Then after that stick with the "you just have to come home and ask first" approach. I wouldn't allow my kids to call me from someone else's phone-puts them in an awkward situation if you tell them no, they'd have to explain it to that mom. Not cool for the kid. If they come back and ask, you say no, YOU call down the street and say "hey, X can't play in the backyard today, but ya'll are welcome to come down here" or whatever.

 

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all!

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We had similar rules for our son when he was younger. We used to live in a cul-de-sac which offered a natural barrier from cars zipping by. And we were very fortunate to have neighbors who believed in our rules for their kiddos too. They set up orange safety cones to slow down cars and alert them that our kids were out playing. We taught the kids the rule was if a car came by, EVERYONE had to get on the sidewalk ASAP. Once the car drove off, the kids could go back in the street to play. One of us adults were always outside watching the whole group -- or at the front window watching the group. No one was allowed to go outside the play boundaries or in someone's backyard for any reason. It worked out quite nicely.

 

As we got to know each other better, the play grew to dinner invites, parties, Halloween trick-or-treating, etc. And the kids then played in each other's homes or we babysat for each other. It also brought us as neighbors closer too.

Edited by tex-mex
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