I really, really need advice, please.

[Sahamamama]

Sigh. I want to preface this post by saying that it is not a tirade against my husband. I've been debating with myself for days about taking on an uncomfortable and onerous role (for me) -- should I, or should I not, "take over" the family finances?

 

If in your marriage/financial past there was ever a time when it became apparent that, even though you would rather NOT take on the management of the money, it might be BETTER if you did, could you please give me some advice about how to best go about doing this?

 

Without going into the details, it is just so painfully clear to me that either (a) he doesn't have the energy/time to manage the finances carefully; (b) he doesn't know what the heck he's doing; © he is so positive in his outlook on life that he thinks the bills will disappear if he doesn't see them. :tongue_smilie:Or something like that.

 

I am probably in need of a good kick in the butt, something like a stern lecture to "take the bull by the horns" and JUST DO IT. But I cringe every time I think about being The Money Manager. Shudder.

 

Why?

 

Have you ever been here? What did you do? :bigear:

[MSNative]

Depends on the issues. I did take over the finances. When I did, I just told my husband that I was all excited to try a new system that I'd read about (Dave Ramsey or something similar.) No accusations or fuss. Very positive - I just really want to do this - attitude. That worked great. We were able to completely pay off school loans and get to a better place financially. However, after a couple years, I felt like dh then didn't quite recognize how much went to bills (and he took a 60% pay cut and he needed to recognize what impact that had). I transitioned it back to him. He is now more aware and is a bit more frugal.

 

Regardless, sounds like maybe y'all should chat and see what's going on with him. Maybe he is overwhelmed and would love for you to take over or share the responsibility.

 

Don't know if that helped or not. Yes - you can take over and do a great job and be in control!! You can even make it sort of fun. (There's my take the bull by the horns pep talk)

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I do the finances. It works better because I'm home to deal with it all and I can contribute to the work load by doing it. That's how I went about talking about it. My dh is great--he just gets extremely frustrated and overwhelmed with finances and it doesn't bother me a whole lot to do it.

 

BUT...I want to say that he knows what's going on and I make sure to talk to him about things when something comes up like an unexpected bill or something so we make those kinds of decisions together. I don't do that on my own. Also, it is a little awkward (how DO you spell that?:001_huh:) for him to come to me when he's in need of money for something, so we do envelopes and he takes gas money out of the right envelope and spending money out of the right one and so on when he needs to. This is good, because then he can see what's really there and isn't totally disconnected from it.

[Guest janainaz]

Yes, I have been exactly there. There was a time when my husband controlled every dime, and he was great with managing finances. And then he just got frustrated and busy at work and there was too much stress for him with all of it. I decided to take over. He is very compliant when it comes to the budget I set. I make him communicate with me on every penny he spends. I do set the budget where he can take our boys out and do things with them. I include the things he finds important in our budget.

 

Sometimes rolls just need to switch. I actually prefer to sit with him (and we do at times) to discuss the budget. I open the spreadsheet where it's all displayed in detail, and I go over the plan for the month. There are months where we have a lot of extra money, and then some seasons where we are ok, but need to stay within our means. I pay the bills, I do the shopping, I plan activities for our kids, and I like to be in control of all of it. I used to say, "No way! I don't want to do the budget," but now I like doing it.

[kwickimom]

If you are better equipped to do it...do it.

 

I do it and I hate it, but I am the better person for the job. SIGH. I am organized and on top of things,and he IS NOT. I have always done it, he couldnt/wouldnt do a good job even if he got paid to do it.

 

I complain about it, and I constantly have to pray about it and remember that I am blessing my family by doing it. It is a thorn in my side, but I just grit my teeth and get it done.

 

Good Luck, its not fun having all the responsibility, but I think it just falls on the person who would do the job the best.

[Sahamamama]

After my husband messed up the checkbook (lots of $$$ short), I took over our finances. I explained to him that he just had too much on his plate and that this was something I could do. I didn't want to but someone had to make sure there was money in the account to pay bills. I really wish I could say that paying bills and making decisions is fun but, like cleaning the toilet, it must be done fun or not. If you really think you need to do this, start. More time will just make the situation worse. Good luck!

 

Yes, it's exactly like that. :tongue_smilie:Thanks for the feedback.

[Sahamamama]

We do envelopes and he takes gas money out of the right envelope and spending money out of the right one and so on when he needs to. This is good, because then he can see what's really there and isn't totally disconnected from it.

 

Back in the beginning of our marriage, I "did" the finances and we were on a partial-cash/envelopes system, which worked well. This was a monumental revelation to my husband, who had never heard of such a thing. ;) It was kind of funny to see him blink when he opened the envelopes -- empty.

 

Yup, it actually gets that way, Dear.

 

Thanks for the suggestions, I'm taking notes, ladies! :001_smile:

[RoughCollie]

I have been in your position; perhaps mine is more extreme. DH refused to let me handle the finances, no matter what. I had no input at all, and I had to ask him before I spent any money. If he said yes, I had to spend it immediately or it would not be there for me to spend.

 

I am a cost accountant with plenty of experience in managing money, budgeting, and so forth.

 

19 years went by. DH left his laptop at home because he rarely needed it. I commandeered it for the kids. I password-protected it so the boys wouldn't get up in the middle of the night and use it.

 

DH went on a business trip and took it with him. I didn't remember that it was password-protected until he called to ask me for the password.

 

This idea flashed into my brain and I acted on it. I refused to give him the password until he agreed I could handle the finances.

 

Three days later he called and agreed, and I gave him the password.

 

It has been 2 years since that day, exactly.

[Sahamamama]

If you are better equipped to do it...do it.

 

I do it and I hate it, but I am the better person for the job. SIGH. I am organized and on top of things,and he IS NOT. I have always done it, he couldnt/wouldnt do a good job even if he got paid to do it.

 

I complain about it, and I constantly have to pray about it and remember that I am blessing my family by doing it. It is a thorn in my side, but I just grit my teeth and get it done.

 

Good Luck, its not fun having all the responsibility, but I think it just falls on the person who would do the job the best.

 

:grouphug: I think that's how I would feel about doing it, but then I wonder, "Maybe that's how HE feels?" My husband is not lazy, in fact he works very hard and puts in loooooooooong days and helps around the house, too. I think he's just overloaded, really. I have been feeling this for a while now.

 

I have a full load, too, but it's different for me. I am "home all day," LOL. We know how that goes. There are the usual chores and errands, and I'm teaching three kids. But I really COULD take on Managing the Money, if it didn't "feel" to me like it's a "man thing." :confused: My dad always "did the money."

 

But I keep thinking I should do it to help out, to keep us on track better, to take a load off my husband's shoulders, and to have more peace of mind when I know the bills are paid. I do like Jana's idea of sitting down monthly (or so) and discussing it with each other, so we BOTH know what's going on.

 

Jana, how did you get to the point where you LIKE managing the money? I keep seeing it like one of those chores to hate (cleaning the toilet). Any tips on how to have a better perspective?

[Gooblink]

I took over our personal finances several years ago when dh started his own business. I was a mess, at first, because we had always made enough money to cover everything and not even worry about it.

 

Enter self-employment. Hello! Suddenly the income is unpredictable but the bills keep coming like clockwork.

 

Long story short - I've got it under control now and even have learned how to budget. Sort of. It really doesn't take a whole lot of time. I keep all the bills in a file and sit down about twice a month to pay them. We use Quicken and I download our debit card transactions daily so my account is always reconciled. We don't use personal credit cards.

 

You can do it! :)