StaceyinLA Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 Some of you may know that we have been going through counseling, and so have our kids (mine from my first marriage). Obviously, these girls are dealing with a lot of struggles from not really having a solid, male role model. My dh is a great provider, but not so great with having relationships with my girls. Anyway, middle dd got punished a few mornings ago for being somewhere she shouldn't have been (she's 16 - almost 17). Yesterday, she went to work, had lunch with my mom and her younger siblings (I was at work with oldest dd) and then came home. Well, oldest dd texted them and told them that Steve and I had been to the counselor and they better have the house clean for when I got home because they were all in trouble (which was totally untrue). Anyway, middle dd decided she just couldn't take it, (said she didn't want to hear me yell), and left. She texted me and told me she had run away and needed a few days. Of course I was angry and mad, told her she could stay gone but she needed to return the car or I was calling the police. I called the counselor who basically said I can't keep her here if she doesn't want to be here (meaning she'll just keep running away if she wants to), but that I should report her as a runaway and have the car picked up and anything else we pay for for her (cell phone). Dh disagreed with that, and felt we should just tell her fine, keep the car, etc. because he felt she'd come back anyway. I feel like if we make it easy, she'll have no reason to. Anyway, I finally told her to answer her phone and we talked. I told her I wanted her to come home so we could talk and she asked if she could just come home today. So, she is supposed to come home today around lunchtime. She has it in her head that she can live on her own (well, with friends). I was just reaching a point with our counseling where I finally felt good about getting some order around here and setting some boundaries, and now this. WWYD?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayle in Guatemala Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 Stacy :grouphug: I have no words of wisdom for you. I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts today. Hope all works out and you all find a solution. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shell in SC Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 Stacey I am right there with you. DD is 18 and we have been through that over the past few years. We told her that if she wanted to move out before we felt she was ready (run away) she would not be able to take anything with her that WE had bought save the clothes on her back. We would report anything (furniture, vehicle, etc.) stolen if she did. In our case DD takes meds that would cost over $1000 monthly if she wasn't covered by insurance. She must take them and we've told her that we would not pay for those if she "ran away". Teens seem to think that once they get a job they'll have all this disposable money to do with what they want. In our case, I think that by explaining all the costs associated with running away compared to minimum wage income helped a bit. Also when she was younger and wanted to run away we told her that we would report her as a runaway and that if she was picked up we didn't want her to come back, she would have to become a ward of the state. I know what you're going through I will pray for your relationships with your whole family. In our case counseling has helped DD tremendously, so I do recommend keeping up with that. Keep your chin up. . .it does EVENTUALLY get better (they become self-sufficient adults and you can breathe again). shell Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted April 17, 2008 Author Share Posted April 17, 2008 other than the obvious costs to herself and her values since I know she won't be living in a positive environment. Part of me wants to try and understand her, and part just wants to whack her one for being such a selfish human being... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beansprouts Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 Don't know if this will help. I ran away twice as a teen, and my father came and got me and brought me home. He told me that if I didn't come with him he would send the police. I complained loudly until I moved out at 18 (okay - I was a brat :blushing:) I could never argue that he didn't love me. I hope you are able to work this out with your dd :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 I don't have a lot of words of wisdom, but I do have two teenaged daughters. I do want to point out that your dd texted you to tell you--that says to me that it's not about getting away. She reached out to you. She's sending you a message, and part of that message is that she still needs you. In your shoes, *I* would...well, I'd be a complete basket case, first of all, but I would see if the two of us could sit down with the counselor ASAP. That will give you the opportunity to discuss all of these issues with a neutral party to facilitate. It sounds like a talk with older dd is in order too. Had she not stirred the pot, middle dd might not have reacted so strongly. One thing to remember is that as relationships change, even for the better, sometimes people will inadvertently try to pull things back into the old dysfunctional but familiar patterns. Keep strong, keep love and rebuilding as your focus, don't let yourself get pulled off your course. It sounds like you're on the road to repairing your relationships. As much as is humanly possible, give your girls grace and love. It sounds like they need it, and you too. :grouphug: Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammy Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 but it seems to me (mostly from reading this board)....that many of us are not letting our teens 'grow up'.....now don't get me wrong.....I agree with boundaries....but sometimes I think we overdo it. When I was 16....I worked every Fri, Sat, nights...from 6pm until 3am as a waitress.....at that point....I pretty much came and went when I wanted to. I also paid to live at home ($25 a week). I realize...that was then....and this is now.....butttttt.....LOL. If I wanted to stay out all night....I just called home and let my mom know I wouldn't be home. It was no big deal. I am not saying this is the problem with your situation....it sounds way deeper than that....but I do think many here seem to have a tight rein on their teens and granted I am sure some have good reason. I will say I had a very good relationship with my mother. I wasn't afraid to tell her anything....I even went to her for advice all the time...and she gave it to me with no strings attached! I hope to have the same relationship with all of my kids! There are no guarantees though.....and I certainly wish the best for you and yours! Tammy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted April 17, 2008 Author Share Posted April 17, 2008 definitely wanting something, though part of me knows she is being somewhat rebellious. I know she is obviously feeling like she NEEDS more from me. I just hope I can fill the void. Just pray I'll say the right things... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted April 17, 2008 Author Share Posted April 17, 2008 Both of my oldest girls have worked since they were 16. Oldest dd is in college, living at home and basically has no curfew as long as she is respectful and considerate enough to let me know where she is. At 18 I think that is more than fair. This dd has been allowed to stay with friends most every weekend because we are an hour out from town. She pretty much does what she wants but stays in touch with me. I punished her Monday morning because she called me from the cell phone of a 21 year old boy that she likes and she was at his apt. She then lied to me telling me it was someone else's phone even though it was ON THE CALLER ID. Basically she was saying to me that I was too dumb to figure anything out! This from a child who is generally allowed lots of (obviously TOO much) space! I generally have an open relationship with my girls. They tell me a lot of stuff. I don't know why this particular child is going through this but the counseling was supposed to help. I guess it's a 1 step forward, 2 step back sort of thing. I think there certainly needs to be balance and parents don't need to keep the reins so tight, but, right now, I KNOW this child needs less freedom! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saved1112 Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 definitely wanting something, though part of me knows she is being somewhat rebellious. I know she is obviously feeling like she NEEDS more from me. I just hope I can fill the void. Just pray I'll say the right things... Maybe only the Lord will be able to fill that void in her heart... looking back to when I was an older teen, I tried many ways to fill a void, nothing worked, but Jesus. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tsuche Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 Hi Stacey, I will be praying for you and your daughter. Blessings, Terry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Only me Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 I can't imagine what I would do if my dd ran away. I agree that the fact that she sent you a message is a good sign. If she truly wanted to get away from you and didn't want to be found she wouldn't have sent a text message. I agree that counseling is a great idea. Is there a close adult friend or family member that you dd can stay with until things cool off a bit? My heart goes out to you. It must be a difficult time for you. On the other hand, I can't agree with some other posters who in some ways make it sound like you are babying your daughter. To me it almost sounds like they feel that it is ok that she ran away. I do feel that the freedom that some people give their 16 year olds is way too much. I know they are no longer children but they are not adults yet. Their brains aren't even fully developed and therefore can't always make the correct choices that they would as an adult. In my opinion their freedom should be a gradual thing but full freedom shouldn't come until they are 18. Even then I think they are still learning from their parents. A friend of mine is running into some problems with her almost 21 year old son because of the freedom they gave him when he was younger. He really didn't have a curfew, could come and go as he pleased. He has been drinking in their basement with his friends since he was 15 or 16. His whole life he wasn't given many limits. Right now he is making some very poor choices including drugs. Since his parents had no control of him when he was 15 or 16 of course they have even less control now that he is a young adult. Of course different kids can be trusted and others can't. The way I think of it is this. What would a teen be doing that late at night that wouldn't involve trouble? Malls, movie theaters and most restraurants are closed. Even if a teen isn't drinking and driving it is more likely they will come in contact with other drivers who have been at 2 am. There is more of a chance of getting into an accident. Also because teens have less driving experience they might not be able to avoid some accidents like a person with more experience would. I feel that curfews are in place for a reason. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted April 17, 2008 Author Share Posted April 17, 2008 before it's too late. I think I have allowed this child a lot of space, and it has been more to her detriment. I am only hoping that it isn't too late to rebuild our relationships. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSMom2One Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 The teen years are challenging enough, but add to that the remarriage and blended family and it can sometimes be quite painful. My heart goes out to you with understanding. Our family when dh and I married 14 years ago consisted of three teenage sons, two full time and one part time. My middle son ran away and we had to make some of the same decisions you are. In our case, this was what worked: We gave him a few days to have some space because we knew where he was and that he was safe. We thought that it would be good to give him a chance to make the right decision on his own. After the time period was up and he was not volunteering to come home, we simply went and got him and told him we were taking him home now and that there would be no bargaining about it. This, I believe, was what he really wanted to happen, as it was reassurance that we loved and wanted him with us. He did come home and although he spent a lot of time in his room for several days, I continued to work with him closely so he knew I was very interested in his life. We tranferred him to a school that was a better fit for him (this was before I started homeschooling children), and he ended up having a wonderful two final years of high school before leaving home at the expected time. This may not work for you, but I wanted to throw it out there as an option. Sometimes kids run away because they want to be rescued and given reassurance from one or both parents. In any case I hope that you get through this ordeal with family relationships intact, having learned from it and gaining new insight. My prayers and thoughts are with you all. Blessings, Lucinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TCoppock Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 I sent you a message. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leta Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 This is just MHO, but I was in your daughter's shoes. I was the kid who took off for a few days at a time when things at home just got too intense. I think that calling it "running away" when she has communicated to let you know where she is, and has indicated that she will be coming home relatively soon is a little, teensy bit of an overstatement. She probably does just need to get away. I totally think that you should keep tabs on her, talk to her at least once a day, let her know that she should and can come home, and get the police involved about the car if she isn't home in say, four or five days. But the thing is, everything is intense for teenagers, and if you are already having other family struggles, the intensity of that probably just has the volume turned up for her if anything. This is probably really scary for you, and I don't mean to minimize that in ANY way. But I think this probably is not an issue of too much vs. not enough space. I think that, when families struggle, sometimes people just need a break. And, if you think about it, couples do this pretty frequently. (And no, not just before they divorce.) They need time to get clearheaded, and often that is precipitated by a stay at home partner getting a job. Employment often isn't about money per se, but the feeling of earning money being empowering and fulfilling, and driving people toward independence. That's a part of growing up, too. Many hugs to you. I hope your daughter shows good judgment and doesn't do anything foolish and comes home very soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoggirl Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted April 17, 2008 Author Share Posted April 17, 2008 I told her I wanted her to come home so we could talk. We needed to discuss her "plan" to move out and get a job and live with these 18 and 19 year-old guys (though they are just "friends" she says). The reason I said that she ran away is because that is what she texted me and told me. She is unhappy that I won't agree to her plan to live on her own. I have told her she can, but we will not help her by providing her a vehicle. I do think she is depressed to some degree, and I know she has things bothering her that she is holding in. I'm hoping to get her to see someone early tomorrow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PineFarmMom Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 On the other hand, I can't agree with some other posters who in some ways make it sound like you are babying your daughter. To me it almost sounds like they feel that it is ok that she ran away. I do feel that the freedom that some people give their 16 year olds is way too much. I know they are no longer children but they are not adults yet. Their brains aren't even fully developed and therefore can't always make the correct choices that they would as an adult. In my opinion their freedom should be a gradual thing but full freedom shouldn't come until they are 18. Even then I think they are still learning from their parents. quote] Thank you so much for saying that. I agree totally. I just didn't post it earlier because I couldn't seem to find the right words. Boundaries, rules, curfews...those are not babying a 16yo. I'll be praying. I'm so sorry. I agree with the poster who said that Jesus will have to be what fills that void. I had it too at 16 and made mistakes because of it. I now know what I needed then. I'll pray that your God helps in this and that He works it all out for good. Teresa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted April 18, 2008 Author Share Posted April 18, 2008 I talked with a psychiatrist this morning. She told me some questions to ask if I was concerned that dd might be thinking of hurting herself. The positive is that dd is NOT considering anything like this. She has said that she has NOT wished she were dead at any time. So, even if there is some depression, at this point it is not to a grave point. We are going to see her regular ped this afternoon for an overall physical so we can see if there might be a medical reason for what has been going on with her too (thyroid, low iron, etc.), and I have a call in to her counselor who she is scheduled to see Tues (I think I'll go with her this time). In addition, this psychiatrist (who, I must say actually answered her OWN phone and talked with me for 20 minutes) has her on the schedule to talk with her and be evaluated next week. Dd is still not doing much in the way of talking to me, but I do feel better about things right now. Continued prayer would be greatly appreciated!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kay in Cal Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 Glad to hear that you've found some good support and are feeling better now. I'll keep praying for you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ACEmom Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 Stacey, I'm encouraged by your latest post! I'll continue to pray for you and your family. Hang in there! Jerriann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted April 21, 2008 Author Share Posted April 21, 2008 We saw her pediatrician Friday. He talked with us both and then talked with her alone. She seemed like she was okay to talk with him (he normally aggravates her a little). He did feel comfortable that she was dealing with some depression and said he felt like she'd benefit from a low dose of anti-depressants for a few months (this is a doc who does NOT prescribe meds regularly so I felt good about it). Yesterday morning, my sister picked her and my mom up and took them to her 160 acre place in MS. DD's horse has been up there for the last year or two so she was excited to go see her and do some riding. She also got some quality time in with my sis and my mom. She told youngest dd today that it was like being at rehab because of all the relaxing, talking, etc. I think it really helped her. We rode up today and picked her and mom up. She has been in a much better mood, and I think she is encouraged by what is taking place. She will see her counselor Tuesday and he will meet with her alone so I'm hoping he'll get her to let go of some things that have been bothering her. All in all I'm feeling much better now, and I think she is too. Keep praying though please! I'm sure we've got lots more hurdles coming!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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