Question about grief

[Qs3]

I haven't posted very much, but I lurk daily. A year ago, we moved from Idaho to Georgia, but I haven't developed any close friends yet, and I don't really know anyone that has experienced death or tragedy. I hope you don't mind my posting. Our situation is pretty disturbing.

 

2 1/2 months ago during an argument, in a moment of rage, my father took his life in front of my mother. Apparently, he threatened her first, but decided at the last minute to just end his own life. The strangest thing is that my parents were both strong Christians. Over the years they had become more and more isolated in the Idaho woods. They didn't have a church or good friends, and they were having some financial problems, but they were positive that God had a plan for them. They wanted to move closer to us to watch the kids grow up. The truth is, I knew that they had an unhappy marriage, but they always tried to work it out. My father was a kind, wise, long suffering, but passive man. My mother was passionate, demanding, and disfunctional. I used to talk to them every week.

 

Two days after we received the news my husband and I, and my brother and his fiance, flew back and helped pack up my parent's house. I had to pack all of my dad's clothes because my mom couldn't.Then my mom moved to Indiana with my brother. Ever since, my mom calls me every day or two. For over two months she's talked about details about what happened that day (minus what was actually said), as well as all the problems in their marriage. She uses me as a sounding board to work out what went wrong, and to talk about what she could have done. Then she switches to talking about how bad he was as a husband, and continuously states that she wasn't responsible, etc. etc. It's been pretty stressful, however I thought I was doing pretty well dealing with everything. I had been reasoning through it all, and trying to be objective. But, slowly the conversations with my mom have left me feeling more and more upset. And now, suddenly this week, I've started to seriously grieve for my father. Despite what he's done, he was one of my very favorite people. He was a wonderful father and grandfather. I really believe, had he been thinking clearly, he would not have done it. But, it's all very confusing...

 

I guess my question is: Has anyone ever began grieving months after a death? My mom told me that she read somewhere that normal grief occurs for 3-6 weeks and then people start moving on. Could that be right? Is my

reaction different because it's not a typical death situation? Has anyone ever dealt with a suicide before?

 

I'm sorry to bum anyone out. I didn't know who else to ask, and I could really use the advice.

 

Thanks for your help.

[CalicoKat]

I haven't posted very much, but I lurk daily. A year ago, we moved from Idaho to Georgia, but I haven't developed any close friends yet, and I don't really know anyone that has experienced death or tragedy. I hope you don't mind my posting. Our situation is pretty disturbing.

 

2 1/2 months ago during an argument, in a moment of rage, my father took his life in front of my mother. Apparently, he threatened her first, but decided at the last minute to just end his own life. The strangest thing is that my parents were both strong Christians. Over the years they had become more and more isolated in the Idaho woods. They didn't have a church or good friends, and they were having some financial problems, but they were positive that God had a plan for them. They wanted to move closer to us to watch the kids grow up. The truth is, I knew that they had an unhappy marriage, but they always tried to work it out. My father was a kind, wise, long suffering, but passive man. My mother was passionate, demanding, and disfunctional. I used to talk to them every week.

 

Two days after we received the news my husband and I, and my brother and his fiance, flew back and helped pack up my parent's house. I had to pack all of my dad's clothes because my mom couldn't.Then my mom moved to Indiana with my brother. Ever since, my mom calls me every day or two. For over two months she's talked about details about what happened that day (minus what was actually said), as well as all the problems in their marriage. She uses me as a sounding board to work out what went wrong, and to talk about what she could have done. Then she switches to talking about how bad he was as a husband, and continuously states that she wasn't responsible, etc. etc. It's been pretty stressful, however I thought I was doing pretty well dealing with everything. I had been reasoning through it all, and trying to be objective. But, slowly the conversations with my mom have left me feeling more and more upset. And now, suddenly this week, I've started to seriously grieve for my father. Despite what he's done, he was one of my very favorite people. He was a wonderful father and grandfather. I really believe, had he been thinking clearly, he would not have done it. But, it's all very confusing...

 

I guess my question is: Has anyone ever began grieving months after a death? My mom told me that she read somewhere that normal grief occurs for 3-6 weeks and then people start moving on. Could that be right? Is my

reaction different because it's not a typical death situation? Has anyone ever dealt with a suicide before?

 

I'm sorry to bum anyone out. I didn't know who else to ask, and I could really use the advice.

 

Thanks for your help.

:grouphug: no personal experience with suicide, but my sister was told to expect a 2 year grief period with divorce. I can't imagine that grieving for the loss a parent, long time husband, would be brief.

 

Grieve. And be healthy.

[nmoira]

I guess my question is: Has anyone ever began grieving months after a death? My mom told me that she read somewhere that normal grief occurs for 3-6 weeks and then people start moving on. Could that be right? Is my reaction different because it's not a typical death situation? Has anyone ever dealt with a suicide before?

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

This is not at all uncommon, especially in a situation in which a person is dealing with more than just death, even by suicide. There is no right way to grieve or schedule to follow. Is she getting private counseling or doing group therapy or part of a suicide survivors group? You?

[Jenny in Atl]

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm

This site might help. It talks about the normal stages of grief. How much time folks take varies but weeks seems way to short. I hope both you and your mom can find some peace.

[Amy in Orlando]

Quincy, I think delayed grief like you're describing is perfectly normal. I have had some experience in my family with suicide and the close, surviving family members all grieved in different ways. It's amazing what you're mind and body can cope with for extended periods of time. Eventually, though, things catch up with you. :grouphug: You sound perfectly normal to me. I'm so very sorry for your and your family's loss. :grouphug:

 

It might help you to go and talk to someone in your church or to a counselor just to work through everything that must be in your mind.

[elizabeth]

Survivor of 2 suicides in the immediate family. Please read these 2 books if you can find them at your library and bookstore to become aware of the whys of suicide and help you understand that it is almost a certainty that there is nothing , nothing , nothing you could have done to stop this. These books literally saved my sanity. Darkness Visible by Styron and Dr Kay Jamison's book , Night Falls Fast. I am so sorry for you and your lovely family. Please read these books in order to make some sense out of this tragedy . Peace to you.

[Crissy]

Oh, my goodness. No. Grief does not last 3-6 weeks, then folks move on. It can last for years. It is deep and it is painful. Emotionally and physically painful. And it is normal.

 

I don't have any experience with suicide, but my brother was murdered 17 years ago, and the most desperate stages of grief that I lived through went on for a number of years.

I must say that to this day I still experience days or weeks when I so desperately miss him that I think I must be crazy. But I know that's not the case.

You cannot lose someone you love an not be affected, deeply, for the rest of your life.

If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to send me an email.

[Cheryl in NM]

My father died suddenly but of natural causes. I greived for a long time. I cried myself to sleep for weeks. It has been 13 years and I still have dreams of him that are so real. Sometimes, especially, around the holidays I miss him so much. The grieving process takes what it takes for you. I would say that if cease to function as normally you might want to seek professional help. IMHO, that might be what your mom needs. I know you want to be there for her and I"m not saying you can't. But...imagine how she feels, the amount of guilt, suddenly being alone. I'm not saying it's her fault, but from her comments it seems she's feeling some guilt. You might tell her that you are happy to help her in any way, but that she might be better helped by seeking professional advice. Make sure she knows that you still love her and will be there for her; she just needs more than you can give her, especially since you are grieving yourself.

 

One more thing about losing someone you love...you will never get over this completely. It will hurt less as time goes by, but it will always be apart of you. Eventually, you will start celebrating the good of your dad and that will dominate your memories. Some of the dreams I have about my dad are of him giving me advice on current situations. It's eerie! I always wake up with an overwhelming sense of love from and for him.

[Doran]

I'm so sorry you and your family are in this place. The most important suggestion I can offer you is that there is no "formula" that says how the days should look now. Everyone grieves differently, in their own time frame. Your mother is clearly just trying to come to terms with what happened -- figuring out the "why" of her husband's death -- in an all consuming way. She probably can't see how her words might be painful to you. It sounds like you've been trying to be the supportive one, not really allowing yourself the time to grieve while you stood fast for your mother. Now is your time. And you won't feel the same pain as your mother, but it will be every bit as real, and every bit as valid. That's okay. I wish the process could be tidily fit into a 3-6 week box, but sadly, I feel sure that you will all be working through this for much longer than that. And, that, too is normal.

 

Please seek some real life counseling for yourselves if possible. These are very challenging times.

 

My heart goes out to you.

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: Grief has no timetable. My dh lost his dad in a race car accident when he was 9. when I met him at age 32, he still was grieving. Granted he hadn't taken any steps to overcome it, but now after 15 years of marriage he still deals with his grief ocassionally.

 

May God give you peace in your grief.

[Sasharowan]

My great-grandmother dies when I was 18. Other than a few tears at the funeral, I was fine. Until about 6 mos. later, in the middle of an argument with my bf(now dh), I broke down and cried for hours over my grandmother and how she would never get to meet him.

[CAMom]

I guess my question is: Has anyone ever began grieving months after a death? My mom told me that she read somewhere that normal grief occurs for 3-6 weeks and then people start moving on. Could that be right? Is my

reaction different because it's not a typical death situation? Has anyone ever dealt with a suicide before?

 

I'm sorry to bum anyone out. I didn't know who else to ask, and I could really use the advice.

 

Thanks for your help.

 

Oh, dear one, I am so sorry that your family has had to endure this tragedy.:grouphug:

 

Grief is so incredibly personal and idividual. Three and a half years ago, we lost our six week old daughter who was born with a severe heart defect. My husband, my older kids and myself all handled (and continue to handle) our grief in very different ways and on very different timetables.

 

Please don't let anyone tell you how or when to grieve; not even your mom. Be honest with her and tell her that your grief may be delayed more than what might be "usual" but that it is very real to you right now.

 

You will also probably find that you finally feel that you are moving past the intense grief only to have it pop up at unexpected times and from unexpected triggers. That's OK and normal, too. You have lost someone very special to you in a very difficult way.

 

My mom attempted suicide several years ago. I am so sorry for the loss of your dad and am praying that God gives all of you comfort.:grouphug:

 

Ronette

[Guest Lorna]

I have found that grief stays with you forever. It doesn't wear away. What it does seem to do is to swallow up your entire day at first and after some time it comes over you in less frequent waves - the pain is still as intense. You miss them most when at landmarks in your life; especially when you want them to see your children at different ages.

There are two huge gaps in my life where two of the most important people in my life are missing. They won't ever be filled and I wouldn't want them to be.

There is no normal for grieving because the people that you grieve for are all unique and have a very special role to play in your life.

I agree with Eliana. It is important that you keep your personal memories and love for your father alive and protect them. Your poor mother is going through a roller-coaster of emotions. Try not to take too much of what she says in the next few years to heart. She is going on a long journey and she hasn't your father there to work things through with.

Your father wasn't thinking clearly. This is something that happened to him - a terrible accident.

[chai]

The grieving process takes what it takes for you. I would say that if cease to function as normally you might want to seek professional help. IMHO, that might be what your mom needs. I know you want to be there for her and I"m not saying you can't. But...imagine how she feels, the amount of guilt, suddenly being alone. I'm not saying it's her fault, but from her comments it seems she's feeling some guilt. You might tell her that you are happy to help her in any way, but that she might be better helped by seeking professional advice. Make sure she knows that you still love her and will be there for her; she just needs more than you can give her, especially since you are grieving yourself.

 

One more thing about losing someone you love...you will never get over this completely. It will hurt less as time goes by, but it will always be apart of you. Eventually, you will start celebrating the good of your dad and that will dominate your memories.

 

:iagree:

 

I lost my mother 8 years ago. My grief lasted much longer than a few weeks! It just changes a little. The problem for you is that you are trying to be strong for your mother, when you need to worry about your own grief for a while. Help your mother find another sounding board for her pain (professional help, a counselor, a pastor....)

[Qs3]

I just want to thank everyone for sharing your experiences, and for your advice. I am so thankful for these boards. My mom has visited a monthly suicide group twice, and went to her first psychiatric appointment yesterday. I think that I've been trying too hard to be stoic. The problems I'm having with my mother have gone on for years. She has overwhelmed me for years, but my dad was always there to balance things out. Now I feel pressured to take his place. I know it's not my job to heal her, and it's not healthy for me. I'm really praying that God will guide her toward some other Christians to talk to.

 

In my own family, we have experienced a severe financial set back, and have been living with my SIL and her husband for a year. Things are starting to look up, but with all this new "stuff" to deal with, I think it's become too much to handle. If there was a way to deal with our own problems, and to be able to grieve properly, without my mom's imput, my burden would be so much lighter. We've attended a great church for a few months. Some wonderful families brought meals, and helped to take care of our children when my dad died. Maybe I should make an effort to talk to someone at church. I really didn't think I needed to talk to anyone! I guess I'm pretty silly.

 

I will take everyone's advice to heart. I appreciate your kind words so much. It's very cathartic to actually type the words out! I didn't realize how much I've been holding in. Thanks so much.

[Kari C in SC]

First, I am so very sorry for your loss. I have been through a very unexpected tragic death in my family and NOTHING has ever shaken me so bad. The time to grieve is different for everyone. I think most people need more time than 6-8 weeks, though. I can only tell you my experience and hope it helps you. My sister-in-law was stabbed to death by her adopted son 4 years ago. There wasn't a fight that led to it really. He was angry that he had been grounded from video games earlier that day. He said that was why he did it. He waited till all the other children, but the youngest girl went to play at a friend's house. Then he just killed her. Later he said he had been thinking about doing it for awhile. It was awful. My sister-in-law was my family. She was my sister and my best friend. Everyone that knew her loved her. When I heard the words that she was gone, I literally went running through my house screaming until i collapsed in my closet. That was over 4 years ago. You know what? I STILL grieve for her. I still miss her. I still find myself thinking about her everyday. I still get angry at how such a stupid act of violence could take her away from her family forever. Then I remember that she is with the Lord. She is at peace. She is in the one place she always dreamed of. I try to find peace and comfort in that. I actually read somewhere that it can take 7 years for a person to fully process grief. At the time, that terrified me. I remember crying as I read it and thinking I just can't feel this bad for 7 whole years. The truth is that the pain lessens. It isn't that sharp kind of pain that brings you to your knees without warning. It becomes an ache - one that is always there, can sometimes still knock the wind out of you, but something you can cope with. Life will not be easy. God didn't promise us that. You just have to believe that things will get better and somehow it will. For me... 4 years later - I have found myself buying the house next door to my dear, sweet sister-in-law's children. I cannot be their mother, but I can love them as much as I can. Every time one of these kids walks in my house and says, "Hey Aunt Kari!" I feel like I have been given a blessing. I pray for your heart to find peace.

[Lady Katherine]

This is a terrible situation on many levels, and I would strongly encourage you to talk to a professional grief counselor. Our church has someone who leads groups for grieving people several times a year, and she was very helpful to me when I lost a friend nearly a year and a half ago.

 

My mom told me that she read somewhere that normal grief occurs for 3-6 weeks and then people start moving on. Could that be right?

 

No, in my experience this isn't. Well, sometimes it is -- when a person has been ill for a long time, or suffering from illness, or is very old and has had a full life -- yes, grief can be short.

 

But in a situation like yours, with the shock, trauma, violence, and unexpectedness on top of the death itself.... NO. I would expect it to take months just to get out of the shock stage, and then months or years to work through the denial, anger, depression, and bargaining stages before finally arriving at acceptance.

 

When my friend died so unexpectedly at only 57, I was so grief-stricken that for several months I literally couldn't stand to see the sun come up every day because it seemed impossible that the world could just continue on as usual. I grieved very, VERY deeply for a full year -- so much so that I had to go on medication so that I could sleep at night because I was having panic attacks.

 

After a year and a half, I can assure you that a day never goes by without my thinking about it, and the tears still come very, very easily (it's happening now just writing about it). I am not depressed daily, but still it happens often.

 

You are going to need TIME, and lots of it, and SUPPORT, and lots of it. PLEASE try to talk to someone. This is NOT something you should expect to breeze through easily.

 

Your mom clearly needs to talk, too. If there is any way she can see a counselor, it would be so good for her.

 

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry this happened to you!

[Lady Katherine]

When I grieve, I want to talk about the one I have lost. I want to look at pictures, I want to revive as many memories as possible... I talk, I cry, I write, I cry out to G-d for comfort and support; I have my husband hold me to his heart while I cry as if I will never stop. I hold my children's hands and cherish them. I drink hot tea and curl up with comfort reading. I try to be very gentle with myself as I take up day-to-day life... it is a little like recovering from an illness, my resistance is so low for a while... I am so vulnerable then. I talk with friends, I go through photo albums and old letters, I have other people share their memories with me.

 

 

 

Yes, yes, yes!! :iagree:

[Lady Katherine]

My great-grandmother dies when I was 18. Other than a few tears at the funeral, I was fine. Until about 6 mos. later, in the middle of an argument with my bf(now dh), I broke down and cried for hours over my grandmother and how she would never get to meet him.

 

My grief counselor calls this "shadow grief." It can occur at any time, even years afterwards.

 

Some losses you never really recover from. The emotional wounds heal slowly, over time, but they leave a great scar. You can learn to live with the scar, but it never fades, and you never forget it is there. It changes you forever.