Challenges of hsing 15 yo ??

[Tiramisu]

I know this has come up before, but I need a little help in putting what I'm experiencing into perspective. We're only on week three or so, but so far it's been more of a struggle this year, like wading through molasses. Could you share any experience or wisdom in hsing this age group?

[JennW in SoCal]

Having a good sense of humor is the best coping mechanism. And telling them, not scolding them or lashing out when you've had it up to here, but telling them that their attitude or behavior or sarcasm makes living with them and teaching them really unpleasant. Very often they don't realize just how awful their tone is -- they just react and it comes out. Just the way toddlers react, only these are lanky teens with a biting vocabulary. One of my teens will apologize and try not to be a snot, the other -- the oldest -- always told me that he was simply talking the way teens talk and I was the one being the problem. He recently apologized to me upon seeing his brother in action, and was the one who told me that most 15 year olds really have no clue how their behavior comes across.

 

Find ways to get yourself out of the picture. Use checklists and encourage your 15yo to work independently, set a specific time for when you are going to work together so you can brace yourself not to react to their button pushing. Find outside classes or activities and let your teen interact with other adults. They are often much more charming for other adults and it always has helped me to see my teens through another's perspective.

 

Read, eat chocolate, drink tea, go for a walk without the kids. Just find a way to cope and hang in there. This too shall pass.

 

Finally, cherish any special family time you get. Play games together, read together, just be together so you can remind each other of what it means to be part of your unique and special family. A 15yo will often moan and groan, but it still is meaningful to them.

[Kalypso]

Having a good sense of humor is the best coping mechanism. And telling them, not scolding them or lashing out when you've had it up to here, but telling them that their attitude or behavior or sarcasm makes living with them and teaching them really unpleasant. Very often they don't realize just how awful their tone is -- they just react and it comes out. Just the way toddlers react, only these are lanky teens with a biting vocabulary. One of my teens will apologize and try not to be a snot, the other -- the oldest -- always told me that he was simply talking the way teens talk and I was the one being the problem. He recently apologized to me upon seeing his brother in action, and was the one who told me that most 15 year olds really have no clue how their behavior comes across.

 

Find ways to get yourself out of the picture. Use checklists and encourage your 15yo to work independently, set a specific time for when you are going to work together so you can brace yourself not to react to their button pushing. Find outside classes or activities and let your teen interact with other adults. They are often much more charming for other adults and it always has helped me to see my teens through another's perspective.

 

Read, eat chocolate, drink tea, go for a walk without the kids. Just find a way to cope and hang in there. This too shall pass.

 

Finally, cherish any special family time you get. Play games together, read together, just be together so you can remind each other of what it means to be part of your unique and special family. A 15yo will often moan and groan, but it still is meaningful to them.

 

Thanks for this. My dd15 and dd14 have both been upsetting me with the tone they have been using with me when I try to work with them. Some days, I feel like they reserve it just for me:tongue_smilie:

[Tiramisu]

Having a good sense of humor is the best coping mechanism. And telling them, not scolding them or lashing out when you've had it up to here, but telling them that their attitude or behavior or sarcasm makes living with them and teaching them really unpleasant. Very often they don't realize just how awful their tone is -- they just react and it comes out. Just the way toddlers react, only these are lanky teens with a biting vocabulary. One of my teens will apologize and try not to be a snot, the other -- the oldest -- always told me that he was simply talking the way teens talk and I was the one being the problem. He recently apologized to me upon seeing his brother in action, and was the one who told me that most 15 year olds really have no clue how their behavior comes across.

 

Find ways to get yourself out of the picture. Use checklists and encourage your 15yo to work independently, set a specific time for when you are going to work together so you can brace yourself not to react to their button pushing. Find outside classes or activities and let your teen interact with other adults. They are often much more charming for other adults and it always has helped me to see my teens through another's perspective.

 

Read, eat chocolate, drink tea, go for a walk without the kids. Just find a way to cope and hang in there. This too shall pass.

 

Finally, cherish any special family time you get. Play games together, read together, just be together so you can remind each other of what it means to be part of your unique and special family. A 15yo will often moan and groan, but it still is meaningful to them.

 

JennW, you are the best! This isn't the first time I've thought so. You COMPLETELY understand the issues that we are dealing with. I think one reason this year is harder is because I've made a commitment to become more involved and I'm seeing it might actually not be a good thing. (I'm also going to her coop classes and doing the reading, too. Yikes! Double-whammy.)

 

Thanks for all the positive suggestions. Interestingly, I am drinking more tea, eating more chocolate, and reading more than I have in years!

 

I have to constantly work on accepting my 15 yo for who she is and understand she is on the path to becoming a wonderful adult.

 

Thank you.

[distancia]

Very often they don't realize just how awful their tone is -- they just react and it comes out....[my son] always told me that he was simply talking the way teens talk and I was the one being the problem.

 

Find ways to get yourself out of the picture. Use checklists and encourage your 15yo to work independently, set a specific time for when you are going to work together so you can brace yourself not to react to their button pushing. Find outside classes or activities and let your teen interact with other adults.

 

What a great repsonse! You are absolutely spot on!

 

My D is a real snarler and says she doesn't have a clue as to how she sounds. Yet in the next breath she will tell me that the way she is talking to me is "normal for a teen to talk like this" so she must have some tiny idea of her tone and manner. Frankly, I think she is unable to prevent it from happening: it's a genetically programmed response that nature has created to make it easier for us parents to let go of our children!

 

The less contact I have with my D over schoolwork, the better. I have prepared her syllabus for the entire first half of the year, along with worksheets, assignments, etc. All she has to do is grab the appropriate binder and books/videos and go off by herself and do the work. I have due dates written on each weeks' worth of materials, which gives her the freedom to decide how she will "break down" her workloads.

 

At first she was leaving the assignments (mine as well as her comm coll classes) up to the last minute, so by Saturday and Sunday she was overwhelmed with work due on Monday morning. However, that got old pretty quickly and now she has taught herself how to break down the assignments to a reasonable amount everyday, thereby giving her a day (or two, if she has worked hard) off on the weekend. This is a very valuable skill which will prepare her for "away" college; several of her friends, already at "away" colleges, are doing poorly (one actually just flunked out, another is on probation) because they never learned how to work independently.

Edited September 13, 2010 by distancia

[proudmamma]

JennW, I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to post that reply! It really was very helpful to me since I have a 15 year old also :)

 

Blessings to you!

[Sunshine State Sue]

I have no real help to offer. I have a nasty 14yo, and I'm dismayed to see that it may not improve in a year. I tell dh that I feel like I am verbally abused on a daily basis. NO ONE else in my life has ever treated me this way. I feel like I have to be super on guard. I've told ds that if he wants to hs, he must treat me properly. If he can't, then he can scrub the grout in my bathroom or dig weeds in the yard. If he doesn't, he goes to school. That usually corrects it...for the day.

 

Nan in Mass recommended the book Get Out of My Life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall? in this thread. I have found it to be a sanity saver.

 

Here are a few quotes:

Yet if parents want to know what their children are really like, if they want to get a sense of who their children will become as adults, the most accurate gauge is behavior away from home.

Whew! I get compliments from everyone else! Truly, ds reserves the nasty attitude just for me (and to a lesser extent, dh).

 

It is important to let teenagers know that they are being inconsiderate...But like it or not, the teenagers' behavior, though obnoxious, is normal. Not only is it normal, it does not mean in and of itself that they are selfish, inconsiderate people. It is a developmental stage, and it does change - even before the end of high school.

 

But most important, though their behavior is obnoxious, terrible, should be stamped out, it is not bad. Teenagers are children. It is precisely because their parents have been good parents, have given them the unconditional love and support that should be all children's due, that they can be so heedlessly obnoxious.

This helps me to realize that it's not about me. I often wonder, what have I done wrong?

 

I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone. Of all the hs'ing families I know, I swear I know only 1 teen who treats his mother so poorly. He's now in school, so I guess he's a formerly hs'ed teen.

Edited September 17, 2010 by Sue in St Pete

[MomsintheGarden]

Wonderful advice! I agree with all of it, especially the hard labor part. If your ds has enough energy to be nasty, he certainly has enough to mow the lawn, chop wood, take the dog for a walk, vacuum the house, mop the kitchen, etc., etc.

 

GardenMom

[Moni]

I know this has come up before, but I need a little help in putting what I'm experiencing into perspective. We're only on week three or so, but so far it's been more of a struggle this year, like wading through molasses. Could you share any experience or wisdom in hsing this age group?

 

It helps to monitor my own expectations.

Sure, the "should" be able to do X or Y

and/or surely are "capable"

but

Are they capable this week?

This moment?

 

First two weeks seem to be the Habit-Forming weeks I would think, in general also.

Sure, their brains are "capable" of staying on task and working diligently, but... the students might just be still working into the habit"

 

Be certain your expectations are accurate ;)

 

:seeya:

[MamaT]

14 and 15 have been the hardest ages for me with my three sons that are now older. JennW gave excellent advice, but I just wanted you to know that all three of them came out of the fog somewhere between 16 and 17. They have all turned into incredibly wonderful young men who are very respectful (most of the time!) to me and their dad.

[Tiramisu]

It helps to monitor my own expectations.

Sure, the "should" be able to do X or Y

and/or surely are "capable"

but

Are they capable this week?

This moment?

 

First two weeks seem to be the Habit-Forming weeks I would think, in general also.

Sure, their brains are "capable" of staying on task and working diligently, but... the students might just be still working into the habit"

 

Be certain your expectations are accurate ;)

 

:seeya:

 

14 and 15 have been the hardest ages for me with my three sons that are now older. JennW gave excellent advice, but I just wanted you to know that all three of them came out of the fog somewhere between 16 and 17. They have all turned into incredibly wonderful young men who are very respectful (most of the time!) to me and their dad.

 

Thank you for your help.

 

I notice "the mouth" happens when there's frustration over something dd can't understand or my other dc are being rowdy and annoying. Only sometimes is it directed at me, like when we're doing math together. More often, it's a sibling who may actually be puposely trying to annoy. And, it may be self-directed and come out in crying. Are dc prone to becoming frustrated at this age?

 

FWIW, I've been really trying to manage the workload to avoid unnecessary stress after our experience last year. :001_smile:

[RENEEinVA]

It is so nice to know that I am not alone. Some days I feel like I am the only person in the world who has to put up with obnoxious behavior from one (sometimes both) of my teenagers. Thank goodness for you guys and Fridays. :)

[Susan C.]

They do reserve it just for us, my dc have told me so.....

 

LOTS of chocolate, putting hands over your mouth to keep you from screaming, refusing to listen when they scream (please use your inside voice :) ), that was last year for us, this year is about half better.

 

Do make sure you don't have any curriculum that is really not working (we usually have one each year that ruins our day). If you can, try to get them to elaborate what is wrong, unfortunately they won't come up to you and say something isn't working well, they will act up. Still not done yet!

[Moni]

Are dc prone to becoming frustrated at this age?

 

 

 

I think so.....

 

:seeya:

[Kalypso]

Thank you for your help.

 

I notice "the mouth" happens when there's frustration over something dd can't understand or my other dc are being rowdy and annoying. Only sometimes is it directed at me, like when we're doing math together. More often, it's a sibling who may actually be puposely trying to annoy. And, it may be self-directed and come out in crying. Are dc prone to becoming frustrated at this age?

 

FWIW, I've been really trying to manage the workload to avoid unnecessary stress after our experience last year. :001_smile:

 

 

I think we live in the same house:lol:

[Violet Crown]

Oh it's nice to read this thread. My dd didn't reserve the treatment just for me, and at 13 besides being vicious to me, she got herself kicked off a homeschool team after a particularly unfortunate out-of-town competition featuring insufficient sleep, food, and adult supervision. She's nearly 15, and so, so much better.

Edited September 23, 2010 by Sharon in Austin

[laughing lioness]

Make sure they (and you!) are getting plenty of sleep, drinking water (not just coffee or soda), working out. HARD work-outs make for nicer teens :001_smile:.

Don't forget to do nice things for them, even when they are twerps -affirm that you still love them even if you loathe what comes out of their mouths. And don't forget the hugs, back-rubs, feet rubs- stay in touch (literally).