tomato staking my ds11

[ktgrok]

So, after reading everyone's responses to my thread I will be looking for a new counselor. And I'm going to make his behavior issues priority number one. Everything else, including school, cooking, cleaning, etc will be secondary this week. (and for longer obviously, but I'm thinking a week at a time to save my sanity). I am going to be on him/with him/loving him all the time. He seems to crave attention (banging things, etc just to get me to tell him to stop), so he's getting attention. Way more than he bargained for.

 

I sat him down tonight and explained that I love him, and that because I want him to be a healthy adult I'm going to make helping him learn to control his behavior my main focus. All else comes second. I have no higher priority than his behavior. And that means that he will be with me at all times so that he can have the attention and correction he needs to learn how to behave. He was not thrilled, and immediately started acting out.

 

When I told him to stop banging the chair, and he didn't, I made him clean the toilet. At first he refused. Normally at that point I would start yelling, or try to make him do it physically if yelling and threatening didn't work. Instead, I just stood there. And stood there. And stood there. And he did it!!!!!

 

Not long afterward we had another incident. He again defied me. So I had him wipe out his bathtub (he hates that job). He said he wouldn't. I just sat in the bathroom, holding the baby, eventually flipping through a magazine, calmly. He went from tearing up the cleaning wipe to actually cleaning the bathtub. I praised him for the good job.

 

Later still he was dawdling about brushing his teeth. I told him to do it properly and in a reasonable amount of time. He continued to work in slow motion, and actually dropped his toothbrush down the drain. I told him that because he was wasting my time he would have to help me with one of my chores. I took him in the kitchen and gave him dishes to wash. He refused. I told him "I love you. Wash the dishes." He then said he would only do it if he could wear gloves. I told him I don't have gloves, "I love you, Wash the dishes". (he only had 4 things to wash). He refused. I pulled up a chair, started nursing the baby. He said his feet hurt. I said my feet often hurt, but the sooner he washes the dishes the sooner he can get off his feet. He said he was thirsty. I told him as soon as he washes the dishes he can have a drink of water. He pretended to wash them. I explained that if they weren't one well he would redo them. He sort of washed one cup. I told him that he would be drinking out of it, and if it wasn't clean enough for him to drink out of he needed to redo it. He redid it. He then washed each item very well. I praised him for doing such a good job. He said "well, you were going to make me redo it if I didn't do a good job." Um, yeah.

 

He was actually fairly polite after that, ,brushed his teeth (with a spare toothbrush of his), and got in bed. We prayed together for the first time in ages, and he is asleep now.

 

I have to say, I'm REALLY proud of myself for controlling my temper. I think that once I accepted that we are doing this and if the rest of the house goes to hell then so be it, it made it easier.

 

Any thoughts, tips, etc? This is new territory for us.

[Denisemomof4]

I did not read your first post but I think you did VERY well. I applaud you! My youngest has severe behavior issues and I've done a LOT of research on how to deal with her. How you handled things was wonderful. I believe it's KEY to not show emotion. Make his antics dull as dirt. Be firm and loving.

 

You did terrific. Keep up the good work!!!

[Ellie]

Well done! :thumbup:

[bookfiend]

Yeah Momma! Be consistant, be persistant, stand firm, don't push back. You are doing great.

[5LittleMonkeys]

WOW! I bet you feel so empowered...and I bet he feels so loved even though he probably won't admit that right away. Good for you!

[Sharon H in IL]

I agree you are doing exactly what he needs.

 

Keeping yourself cool is key, and that depends -- as you noticed -- on your deciding that nothing else you could be doing is more important, so you don't resent the time you spend on him. It *is* your job for now.

 

Bless you both.

[Denisemomof4]

I found your other post. I didn't read all the responses, but I think that your son has had a LOT to process and work through. I think it would be difficult for any kid, and add his age into the picture and you have a real uncomfortable situation on your hands!!!:grouphug: If that weren't enough, there's a new man, and now a new baby. Do you think your son feels threatened by this? :grouphug:

 

I do think finding a therapist for him would be a good idea. Kids tend to act angry when depression is the issue. If it isn't, maybe a good therapist can help him process his feelings and work through them.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm proud of you too! I've been there with my son. The key is to keep it up. Consistency, consistency, consistency. If you goof and yell, then apologize and get back to the program. It's ok for you to mess up too but you take responsibility and then do what you have to do (like your son having to do the chore whether he wants to or not).

[FriedClams]

Please post updates. I will be praying for you this week.

[Kirch]

WOW! I bet you feel so empowered...and I bet he feels so loved even though he probably won't admit that right away. Good for you!

 

:iagree:

[LittleIzumi]

Woohoo!!

2745DEDA-0C72-57B3-0BF7-AAA8CBB83394

1.03.01

[ktgrok]

We have had a few standoffs. I have not lost my temper and i have outlasted him each time!!! A few minutes ago he asked permission to use the computer. I was tempted to say no, but rmembered this is training, not punishment. So I said yes and reminded him that he needed to get off when I told him. Well, after 10 minutes I told him to get off and come to me. He said OK pleasantly and came right to me!!!!!! I thanked him, explained exactly what I liked about his response and gave him another 5 minutes on the computer :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

We have had a few standoffs. I have not lost my temper and i have outlasted him each time!!! A few minutes ago he asked permission to use the computer. I was tempted to say no, but rmembered this is training, not punishment. So I said yes and reminded him that he needed to get off when I told him. Well, after 10 minutes I told him to get off and come to me. He said OK pleasantly and came right to me!!!!!! I thanked him, explained exactly what I liked about his response and gave him another 5 minutes on the computer :)

 

Cool! Way to go! (Expect that at some point he's going to test you on all of this. When/If he does, stand firm.)

[Kebo]

Good for you! I also agree that there will be a lot more testing down the road. The hardest thing for me is remembering to be unemotional once the novelty wears off and also not to cave when he is being sweet. Make the rules and stick to them. It is anxiety producing to not know where the lines are drawn.

 

But, I will have to add that with my strong-willed nearly 10 year old boy who loves to test me ...... it is SOOOO important to him that I spend time bonding with him. He really loves a few minutes spent reading quietly in bed while I scratch his head or back (I read at the same time, though I don't read to him). He loves special unexpected outings for ice cream, or cooking something together that he has a craving for, or me playing a video game (or sudoku, or yubotu) WITH him. He needs the rules, yes, but he also needs lots of opportunities to be on the same side as me. When my son is acting up, I step up the enforcement (as you are doing), and step up the bonding, too.

 

Keep up the good work!

[ChristusG]

Way to go mama!!! You are doing AWESOME!!! And the results are showing!

 

I hope that if I should ever need to tomato stake my kids, I can be as calm, cool, and collected as you are!

[Parrothead]

 

Any thoughts, tips, etc? This is new territory for us.

Have you got a daily schedule? Nothing very tight, but something so your ds learns what is expected when. If you do, I'd work in some kind of family clean up time in the evening after dinner. Or a kids clean up time just before dinner. It will help with your sanity during these early days.

 

Everyone pitches in and tidies. Toys are put away, school books are put away, kitchen cleaned, what ever needs doing to make things easier for a quiet evening and good morning.

 

If you don't have a schedule, think about creating one. Something as simple as wake up, breakfast, start school, lunch, resume school, finish school, free time, chores, dinner, clean up time, tv time and finally bed.

 

Eventually when you are able to cut him some loose a bit, your ds will know (to use my above example) chores are to be done before he gets dinner. You are not withholding dinner, but the more he dawdles, the later his dinner will be. (Unless, of course, you require the family to eat together. If that is the case find an appropriate consequence for dawdling - like loosing tv time.)

 

Also keep things consistent. Not obeying when you say something has a consequence of some type of chore. So for now, not obeying should generally be met with some type of chore. The amount of physical work or distaste for the chore can escalate as he gets older. I wouldn't expect an 11-year old to clean out the garage, but I might a 15-year old.

 

You might decide that the consequence for being mouthy is something besides chores. For being late maybe the consequence should be grounding.

 

Continue to praise for a job well done. Especially for jobs that are not related to consequences.

 

Keep the doors of communication open. I don't have boys, but I have a dh and a brother. Talking to them is easier when they are engaged with some kind of physical activity. Take a drive, take a walk, shoot hoops, do things with him and talk to him while doing so. And let him talk to you.

[~Tara~]

I'm going to have to locate your previous thread(s) on the issue because the vibe I'm getting over his behavior is very familiar. Reminding me a lot of my 9 yr old and problems we are having lately. I'm really at my limit and just do NOT know what to do with the child anymore. It's killing me. :(

[ktgrok]

Thanks all for your encouragement! Today went better than I had expected. He did spend some time in the corner, and I sat right next to him in a chair and made sure to have him follow exactly what I said, rather than letting him get away with small acts of defiance. The day went really well for the most part, but I do feel this may be the calm before the storm. We shall see. I also made sure to explain to my husband what we are doing here, and that he needs to do the same thing.

 

I'll keep you updated :)

[clarkacademy]

I am very interested!! Could you maybe answer a few questions for me cause my lil guy sounds alot like your lil guy!!

 

So if you are keeping him "staked" to you what happens if you have to do something?

EX I have to talk on the phone with the Dr. office usually I would get away from him to do this so what do I do now when he will not be quiet?

 

Will you be going to bed with him?

 

What if another child needs my attention and again he will not stop?

 

So for his naughtiness I assign chores? No time out no sitting on the step or going to bed early?

 

What if he gets in trouble at bedtime do I give him a chore to do or do I just send him to bed? (I ask because mine fights bed)

 

Will you not be doing school at all?

 

I have a wild child and am always looking for new ways to deal with him so Thanks in advance.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

So, after reading everyone's responses to my thread I will be looking for a new counselor. And I'm going to make his behavior issues priority number one. I have to say, I'm REALLY proud of myself for controlling my temper. I think that once I accepted that we are doing this and if the rest of the house goes to hell then so be it, it made it easier.

 

Any thoughts, tips, etc? This is new territory for us.

 

 

Yay!! Good for you! I like the "I love you. Do the dishes" aspect of it!

[ktgrok]

I am very interested!! Could you maybe answer a few questions for me cause my lil guy sounds alot like your lil guy!!

I'll try, this is new to us.

 

 

So if you are keeping him "staked" to you what happens if you have to do something?

EX I have to talk on the phone with the Dr. office usually I would get away from him to do this so what do I do now when he will not be quiet?

honestly, I think I would put off that phone call for a day or two, until i was more certain he could be quiet. Then when I made the call I would do it near him, while he was doing something like coloring or playing with legos. If he became loud while i was on the phone despite this than I would tell the person on the phone I had to go and I would hang up. It would be important to do this right away. The idea is that nothing else takes precedence right now.

 

Will you be going to bed with him?

I didn't, but he is really good once he is in bed and the lights are off. He was also tired, so that helped. If need be I suppose I would sit in a chair in their room, or just outside the door, until he went to sleep.

 

What if another child needs my attention and again he will not stop?

When the baby started crying while I was dealing with him I made him follow me to get the baby, then carried her back and resumed what we were doing.

 

So for his naughtiness I assign chores? No time out no sitting on the step or going to bed early?

Sitting on the step would still be used. Going to bed would not be used unless you were willing to send him to bed right then. In other words, I did start the bedtime process earlier than usual, in fact I told him that having to deal with his behavior had been very tiring for both of us, so he needed to go to bed earlier so that I could get to bed earlier. He didn't actually end up getting to sleep earlier...see next section.

 

What if he gets in trouble at bedtime do I give him a chore to do or do I just send him to bed? (I ask because mine fights bed)

If he is outright disobeying than you deal with it then. If sending him to bed doesn't work, and he dawdles or doesn't listen, then you deal with it. That could be corner time, it could mean a chore. I told my son that he was wasting my time by dawdling so he needed to make it up to me by doing the dishes. I didn't have him do all of them, I set aside 2 items. When he continued to fight it I added an item. But I didn't get mad and keep adding and adding, I just did it periodically. What really made an impression was sitting in a chair behind him, right near the sink, and waiting him out. I don't think it would have worked if I had yelled, or said anything other than "I love you, do the dishes" He ended up getting to bed later than usual, but that was fine. I would have stayed there all night if I had to, and he figured that out and did what I asked finally.

 

Will you not be doing school at all?

Only if we have time. For a short period of time I need to put behavior before anything else. I figure that we will make up the time later by not having behavior struggles during the school day. It turned out we DID get quite a bit of school done, with out any attitude problems. I did modify our schedule ahead of time to include more read aloud time, less book work. I wanted us to spend out time bonding and enjoying each other.

 

I have a wild child and am always looking for new ways to deal with him so Thanks in advance.

All of this is on the site Raising Godly Tomatoes. I don't believe in spanking, and there is a step parent issue/custody issue anyway so that isn't an option. Also, he is too old at this point, even according to the website. so we just used corner time rather than spanking. But otherwise we are very much doing what this website suggests. It turns out I'm realizin it is very much how I was raised. Good luck!

[Teachin'Mine]

Katie that's awesome!!! Good for you and good for him!!!

 

Keep up the good work!!! :)