10yr saw me breakdown.. ugh

[Maddysmom26]

okay.. so today was only day 4.. and I thought it was going to be better but it didnt turn out that way.

 

We did a few short lessons, trying to keep her attention.. got to math and it was absolutely horrible.. she whined complained, refused to do the work..

long story short. we stopped and I just started to cry!

 

She had the saddest face, and while asking her to talk to me.. she finally said, I hate homeschooling. Its not at all what I thought and I just dont like it. Iwant to be in school with my friends, i dont like being home all day.

 

so im stressed as it is.. trying to make this work,do my last college semester work being slow.. etc..

SO im just having a breakdown. I cant send her back to that PS. not to mention what will all the people and family say.. if this HS'ing doesnt workout???

Im a mess!

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: It's ok. Time to show her and you some of the great things about homeschooling. Get a cozy afghan (unless you live somewhere really hot!), curl up on the couch together and read aloud together.

 

Then - once things are calm, come back here and tell us all about math. What book are you using? What is she studying? Usually at the start of a new year there is review. Perhaps it isn't review for her because it is the start of a new way of studying math? We can help! And we can help take some of the stress out.

[LibraryLover]

I think you need to deschool, fave fun, and rediscover each other in your new lives. Let it all the teacher stuff go right now, and read read read together, go on interesting field trips, make cookies, watch interesting documentaries together, go to plays etc. Once you have the togetherness thing down, I think the rest will come. You're each used to a different way of living, but now you have an opportunity to live in a new way. The best thing about hsing is our freedom. Use that freedom for good...:)

Edited September 10, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Maddysmom26]

Im just sitting here in a chair crying.. she went down stairs and is just watching tv.

I dont even think its the math.. it was just review multiplying worksheet and she knows the answers just didnt want to do it. shes refused to do any reading and she loves to read & draggn in everything else. she knows the stuff.. just isnt into doing it.

 

She wanted to hs all last year.. Im just so upset I cant think straight.. and being single parent.. its times like these that really stink! :001_unsure:

[MommaOfThree]

We had something similar happen our first year .. :grouphug:

 

Relax, let her relax .. Dont worry about what others will say/think, this is about you doing what's right for you and your daughter. There is a whole "de-schooling" period that all of us that had our kiddos in ps go through AND it took us about a year to get used to our new "way of life".

 

My middle child declared numerous times that he disliked homeschooling and wanted to go back to ps that first year. What finally turned us around was I let him choose a study of interest (he chose dogs) & we studied that for 2 weeks. I must admit, it turned out to be one of our most enjoyable studies yet! When he realized he could have a little more input on his studies, he became a full supporter of our homeschooling career?!?

 

I guess what I'm trying to get across is .. it will be alright. Just take it easy and try to find something that you can enjoy together.

 

:grouphug:REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT ALONE - WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE AT SOME POINT:grouphug:

[EJCMom]

I'm so sorry. :grouphug: That was my son last week. He told me he hated school. It really hurt my feelings because I've spent so many hours planning things that I thought the kids would like. It was so hard not to take it personally.

 

The second day he said that I said to him, "You know what would make school more fun? ICE CREAM!" So we had a sundae while we did schoolwork. I told him that we couldn't do that every day, but that was one of the benefits of homeschooling -- that we can do things like that every once in a while. But, if he doesn't cooperate with school, he's going to have to go back to public school where they don't get to do fun things during schoolwork. He's been pretty cooperative ever since. It probably wasn't my finest parenting moment -- bribing him with frozen treats. But it seemed to do the trick. And I think if we can just get through these first few weeks, we'll hit our stride and he will love it.

[LibraryLover]

I would get her and go out. Go to the library, maybe, and then out to get an ice cream. It's not rewarding bad behavior...you are trying to forge a new relationship, and you need to talk. Leaving school is a huge change and you do not have to recreate school at home. That is not the point of hsing.

 

I have a dd that age, and they need us. One bad morning doesn't mean anything except that you had a bad morning.

[nono]

I'd take her out and over ice cream or something else, tell her "Sometimes, a rough start means a smooth finish!" And discuss ways both of you will work to make it end up smooth and wonderful.

[Gratia271]

okay.. so today was only day 4.. and I thought it was going to be better but it didnt turn out that way.

 

We did a few short lessons, trying to keep her attention.. got to math and it was absolutely horrible.. she whined complained, refused to do the work..

long story short. we stopped and I just started to cry!

 

She had the saddest face, and while asking her to talk to me.. she finally said, I hate homeschooling. Its not at all what I thought and I just dont like it. Iwant to be in school with my friends, i dont like being home all day.

 

so im stressed as it is.. trying to make this work,do my last college semester work being slow.. etc..

SO im just having a breakdown. I cant send her back to that PS. not to mention what will all the people and family say.. if this HS'ing doesnt workout???

Im a mess!

 

:grouphug:

 

It sounds like you are pulled in too many directions right now. Try to give yourself and dd a break. You clearly need one! I would not concern myself with what others think of your choices, but I wouldn't give up yet and send her back to ps. As others have said, it is a transitional time. You need to be patient with yourself. I have days like you are describing when I am utterly exhausted and exasperated and wonder why the ... I started down this path. None of us can walk this path alone, at least I can't. There are so many neat ladies here with wonderful advice and encouragement to get you through the rough days (or weeks.)

 

Don't beat yourself up with negative thoughts. You are amazing to be juggling all the responsibilities on your own, and your daughter is fortunate to have such a committed mom!

[Gwenhwyfar]

I think you need to deschool, fave fun, and rediscover each other in your new lives. Let it all the teacher stuff go right now, and read read read together, go on interesting field trips, make cookies, watch interesting documentaries together, go to plays etc. Once you have the togetherness thing down, I think the rest will come. You're each used to a different way of living, but now you have an opportunity to live in a new way. The best thing about hsing is our freedom. Use that freedom for good...:)

 

:iagree:

 

 

I would get her and go out. Go to the library, maybe, and then out to get an ice cream. It's not rewarding bad behavior...you are trying to forge a new relationship, and you need to talk. Leaving school is a huge change and you do not have to recreate school at home. That is not the point of hsing.

 

I have a dd that age, and they need us. One bad morning doesn't mean anything except that you had a bad morning.

 

:iagree:

 

 

 

...and i just wanted to add: please don't feel bad about your daughter seeing you cry. grown ups have emotions too and kids can understand that.

[hillfarm]

I mean this gently, but remember that it is your choice, not your dd's. If you thought things through and you came to the conclusion that homeschooling is the best choice for her, then you should stick to your course. Yes, definitely let her take a break, do some fun things. But the choice to homeschool has already been made and it should not be reversed just because of a few tears and a bad day/week/month.

 

There have been times when I didn't like homeschooling and times when dd didn't. However, neither of those changed the fact that our local ps is terrible and the nearest private option is about an hour and 20 minutes away, not to mention out of our price range. Homeschooling is the best choice for us for a number of reasons and we will continue to do it until those reasons change.

 

Definitely show your dd some of the fun parts of homeschooling, like doing a blitz week of only her favorite subjects or several cool field trips or whatever, but don't give up and don't quit. Help her to see and experience the benefits. And remember, there is no guarantee that she wouldn't also be tearing up over things that would have happened at ps. And you wouldn't yank her from there based on a few bad days, would you?

[Maddysmom26]

:grouphug:

 

Don't beat yourself up with negative thoughts. You are amazing to be juggling all the responsibilities on your own, and your daughter is fortunate to have such a committed mom!

 

Thank you that means a lot to me! :grouphug:

[Maddysmom26]

 

There have been times when I didn't like homeschooling and times when dd didn't. However, neither of those changed the fact that our local ps is terrible and the nearest private option is about an hour and 20 minutes away, not to mention out of our price range. Homeschooling is the best choice for us for a number of reasons and we will continue to do it until those reasons change.

 

 

 

Thats what I keep reminding myself.. her PS is terrible and the reasons why we did this! Just one little meltdown for me.. :tongue_smilie:.. and it was probably bc of a whole lot of other built up stuff and this just let it loose!

thank you for your support, I so appreciate it!! We will get through this & on a positive note! thanks:grouphug:

[Maddysmom26]

 

 

...and i just wanted to add: please don't feel bad about your daughter seeing you cry. grown ups have emotions too and kids can understand that.

 

Thank you! :grouphug: I did explain to her that sometimes we grownups have a whole lot of things that build up and we do cry! She understood. I think she felt badly about me crying.. she thought about it .. then said.. mom should i finish my math now? lol

 

Gotta love em! I said no we are done for today. She openly said.. I guess I need to give it more of a chance!

yah! ;)

 

 

THanks everyone for your support!!

[SBP]

This might not be a popular opinion, but it sounds to me as though she's manipulating you... and very successfully. You're in tears, and she's watching TV? With the math still not done?

 

No, no, no!

 

With all due respect to the other posters (who are probably much nicer moms than I am) I don't think that this is the time for warm fuzzies and field trips unless that's your long-term vision for how you want her schooling to take place. This is the time to set the tone you want set for the rest of the year. There are ways you can do that without crying or yelling.

 

You don't want to do schoolwork, honey? Well, in life, people who don't get a good education have to find some other way to earn their livings. Perhaps you'd like to try cleaning the house. Here's a list of chores that need to be done...

 

It's amazing what a day of cleaning baseboards, raking leaves, scrubbing toilets, etc., can do to make school seem more appealing.

 

I'm sorry. We won't be going to Scouts, or dance, or your friend's house, or (insert favorite activity) because your schoolwork isn't finished.

 

No drama, no yelling. Just a simple fact. We can't go because the schoolwork isn't completed, and that's the most important thing.

 

These are just examples of some things that have worked for my kids over the years. You know what matters most to her, so you'll know which buttons to push. Please don't be afraid to push them. Somewhere along the way, she'll get the idea that her education matters hugely to you, even if she doesn't always like it. It's become a bit of a joke at my house. One of my kids will say, with full tween drama, "I hate math! I don't want to do this!" I'll answer calmly, "Do I care?" They'll usually laugh at that and say, "No," and if they're feeling brave, they might add, "'cause you're mean."

 

Darn right. But they know I really do care about the big picture, even if I don't care a whit whether they *want* to do their math that day. And that's why they laugh, and do their math, and then we have time for the fun stuff once it's done.

 

Please don't throw in the towel yet. It sounds like you both had some warm fuzzy impressions of homeschooling, and so far it's not living up to your expectations. Maybe she thought it would be more "home" and less "school." Maybe you had visions of her eyes lighting up as she satisfied her insatiable thirst for knowledge. You can still have those moments, but unfortunately, you have to navigate many more prosaic moments to get there.

 

Hang in there!

 

SBP

[elegantlion]

:grouphug::grouphug: Guess what, you've discovered another perk of homeschooling. Our kids get to see at our most vulnerable. Homeschooling forces us to be a little transparent to our kids. In some respects that's a good thing.

 

I agree that now is the time to set some boundaries, like pp said, so she doesn't get into a position to manipulate you with her words. However, on day 4 I'd cut yourself and her some slack.

 

Frankly, I'd do a little bit of school then get out of the house. There is certain appeal to being out in public during the day. I remember working in an office all day. I hated it! I wanted to be out during the day, to be able to go to lunch when I wanted, to do things on my schedule. Once I quit that job I did, it was so freeing.

 

So show your dd some of the good stuff of being a homeschooler. Go to the park for lunch. Grab the books and do school at the park. Go get ice cream. Do school on the couch, in your pajamas.

 

Part of homeschooling is finding that fit for your family. Make it yours. My son is thrilled that I don't require him to wear shoes or socks or even a shirt to school. We relish in the fact he's still asleep when the school bus drives by. We sometimes get caught in the traffic when school lets out. :001_huh: What a nightmare. Thirty minutes of wasted time just to pick up your child.

 

Day 4 may be the turning point. :grouphug:

[stansclan89]

All the changes are hard on both of you. You are still deschooling and need to take it easy.

 

I would do lots of field trips and trips to the library right now. Have her write a story or a letter to ? or in her journal about the day afterward. Read aloud. Let her decide what to study/read for the moment. Have a fun semester and start more seriously after you finish school. (You said you are on your last semester right?)

 

Do unit studies on the Holidays this fall (Halloween/All Saints Day, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas/Hanuka...). Make sure she understands that it will change after Christmas.

Edited September 10, 2010 by stansclan89

[Colleen in NS]

I think she felt badly about me crying.. she thought about it .. then said.. mom should i finish my math now? lol

 

Gotta love em! I said no we are done for today. She openly said.. I guess I need to give it more of a chance!

 

I've homeschooled from the start and have never had to transition from p.s. to homeschool; but I have read over and over through the years that kids who do go from p.s. to homeschool do have to go through a transition time. So, hang in there! Enjoy that ice cream and those snuggled up reading times, and you will eventually get into an academic rhythm that will work for you. Hooray for her for asking if she should finish her math and for saying she needs to give it more of a chance!! (If it helps any, my 9yodd has been very dramatic during this year of her life....:D)

 

EDIT: oh wait, your dd is 10? I was reading your signature. Anyway, mine is almost 10, too. :)

[Lovedtodeath]

okay.. so today was only day 4.. and I thought it was going to be better but it didnt turn out that way.

 

We did a few short lessons, trying to keep her attention.. got to math and it was absolutely horrible.. she whined complained, refused to do the work..

long story short. we stopped and I just started to cry!

 

She had the saddest face, and while asking her to talk to me.. she finally said, I hate homeschooling. Its not at all what I thought and I just dont like it. Iwant to be in school with my friends, i dont like being home all day.

 

so im stressed as it is.. trying to make this work,do my last college semester work being slow.. etc..

SO im just having a breakdown. I cant send her back to that PS. not to mention what will all the people and family say.. if this HS'ing doesnt workout???

Im a mess!

I have completely been there. I cried for about 24 hours straight and told DH that I give up. I said that if I put her in school I will look like a complete fool. He reminded me of our reasons for homeschooling and DD saw how messed up I was... behaved better after that. :tongue_smilie:

[Melinda in VT]

Given that your daughter is 10, wanted to homeschool, and said it wasn't what she thought it would be, I'd sit her down and ask her to describe what she expected. Then you can talk about what you expected.

 

Hopefully there is some overlap.:D

 

You are the parent, and how she is educated is your call. But I would want to know what she had expected and try to see if I could meet some of those expectations while still meeting my goals.

[Dana]

:grouphug:REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT ALONE - WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE AT SOME POINT:grouphug:

 

:iagree: And that's a really huge thing; it's so easy to get discouraged. My son and I keep butting heads and we really do go through stages. My issue is that I think he should do work and should do what I say. He disagrees. :glare:

 

Hang in there. You're not alone. :grouphug:

[delaney]

I am having that kind of week so we stopped, regrouped, and only did latin today and now they are doing calligraphy with homemade quills that we made from the SOTW ag. I need to remember that there has to be something that makes HSing stand out to them as a happy experience that they enjoyed. We will make it through!!:grouphug:

[HollyBee]

:grouphug:

 

Every time I have a moment/day/week like that, dh reminds me to look at the calendar. It almost ALWAYS is the week before my period. Then he tells me to chill out, and not to enroll them in school until I'm on the other side of that month's cycle. :D

 

In fact, he had to tell me that about...let's see...two days ago! :tongue_smilie: So today, we went out for doughnuts for breakfast, where we met another homeschooling family doing the same thing! I talked with the mom for quite a while, and it really helped me see that yes, this is the right thing.

 

No idea if that's helpful. I just empathize with you.

[RegularMom]

As gently as possible, I agree with SBP. Here at my place, there is no TV if the work isn't done. And there is no TV if someone is in tears.

 

School is my children's job. If they don't want to do school, there are always toilets that need a good scrubbing. And floors. And dog piles in the yard that need to be picked up.

 

I've been doing this for 5 or 6 years now, and my children rarely come to the table with joy to open their math books. I'm not sure why I ever expected them to. Oh sure, when it's easy, they LOVE their math. But when they get to something hard, something they don't get perfectly the first time, they whine and fuss and grumble and stall, and often I send them outside to swing on the swings for 5 minutes or run around the house 3 times, because fresh air can work wonders on the brain when it hits a brick wall, but then I make them come back and Get It Done.

 

And in earlier years, when we struggled over reading, we all wanted to give up from time to time. But we pressed on, and sometimes I'd cry, and sometimes I'd lose my temper and sometimes we all would. But those moments are far outweighed by moments of clarity and relief and success. And now they wander through the house with books in their hands, on their way to the fridge for an apple maybe, and I often come across them reading in the failing light of dusk and flip on the lights for them. And they seem to have forgotten all the struggles they went through when they went through their primer lessons. All they know is that they love to read.

 

If it were me, I'd definitely ask her what she expected homeschooling to be like. Because expectations are so very tricky, aren't they? And if there's something in her response that you feel is appropriate and doable, by all means, work it into your schedule. But I wouldn't bend over backward to make it all fun and enjoyable, especially if her response is vague and somehow indicative that there wouldn't be any work involved and that it would all be fun and games. Because life isn't always fun and enjoyable. And the things worth having are usually the things we have to work hard to get. That's a lesson best learned early, imho.

 

Hang in there. Not every day will be this tough.

Edited September 10, 2010 by RegularMom

[oldskool]

:grouphug: We went through this too after taking the kids out of school. It takes awhile for everyone to figure out what they are supposed to be doing. I think it was hard for the kids to see me acting in the role of teacher versus just mom. DD and I had many of our "wars" start over math for some reason. I used Teaching Textbooks for six months just to take that subject out of the equation and give us time where I wasn't doing the teaching. Maybe there is a subject that your daughter can take control of? Not sure if it will help, but for us having time away from one another during the school day was a good solution. I would also plan more fun actvities/craft projects that we could have fun with together. Hang in there it does get much better.

 

Lesley

[Maddysmom26]

:grouphug:

:grouphug:

 

Every time I have a moment/day/week like that, dh reminds me to look at the calendar. It almost ALWAYS is the week before my period. Then he tells me to chill out, and not to enroll them in school until I'm on the other side of that month's cycle. :D

 

In fact, he had to tell me that about...let's see...two days ago! :tongue_smilie: So today, we went out for doughnuts for breakfast, where we met another homeschooling family doing the same thing! I talked with the mom for quite a while, and it really helped me see that yes, this is the right thing.

 

No idea if that's helpful. I just empathize with you.

 

That made me laugh , i idont have a dh to tell me but yes right on there! I realized thats probably most of it along with the other stress at the moment.. it all built up and so it just exploded into a meltdown. (which i realized I cant even remember the last time I cried like that!) So apparently I needed it~! ;)

 

I feel much better this afternoon.. shes with my mother and Im at work (doing my dreadful Biology).. Thank god I have my own shop so i can do my HW there! I left her with an art project.

I had a nice chat with one of my regular customers who hs'ed her daughter for a few years. very helpful! I will not give up.. this is what I chose to do for a reason at this time in our life and we will move forward. :001_smile:

Thank you!!

[EKS]

You have to set high expectations for her behavior very early on. Like now. If doing the math is non-negotiable, then she must do it before she is allowed to do *anything* that she wants to do (and I include eating here). There is no choice.

 

If you think homeschooling is the right thing to do you need to be immune to the "I hate homeschooling" stuff. If she though homeschooling meant that she could do whatever she chose every day, of course she's going to hate it.

 

Now--all that said, some resources generate more enthusiasm than others. Once you have been doing this for a while you'll find out what works for her (and you). But first you need to treat this problem as a discipline issue. You're going to have to be firm and enforce the consequences for misbehavior every single time it occurs. Otherwise you're going to go nuts and the homeschooling thing won't work.

 

Once you get into the habit of homeschooling without the power struggle, the issue of having to enforce firm consequences fades a lot.

[Maddysmom26]

Thanks everyone!! Im doing much better today! She is off spending time with a friend, so hoping that helps!

 

I really appreciate all of your kind thoughts and support! It helps to get outside input from others who have been and are in the same boat!

 

thanks:grouphug:

[kalanamak]

As gently as possible, I agree with SBP. Here at my place, there is no TV if the work isn't done. And there is no TV if someone is in tears.

 

School is my children's job. If they don't want to do school, there are always toilets that need a good scrubbing. And floors. And dog piles in the yard that need to be picked up.

 

 

While I generally agree, if I was starting schooling in the middle of things, like age 9, I'd sell the point a little. Not ice cream, but biology at the zoo. I'll use that as an example. Go to the zoo. No packing in the junk food. Take some pictures of animals she'd like to read about, and familiarize yourself with what is there and what you can cover in future. Make some notes. Go to the library and get some books. Have lunch, do an intro to your grammar curriculum, then do some bio reading, do a simple art project on the animal, and review the classifications of animals.

 

Next day, try the same with history and start in with some math drill. Mix "discovery" with seat work. If there is one curriculum that is wrong, change it, but if ALL are "boring" or "horrible", tighten the screws.

 

I'm not very experienced at either mothering or hs, but I just wanted to point out that there was a middle ground between ice cream and afgans and dog piles in the yard.:001_smile:

 

And I would work on that placid sorry-but-that-is-the-way-it-is face and voice. And no TV for babysitting. HTH

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Maddysmom26]

While I generally agree, if I was starting schooling in the middle of things, like age 9, I'd sell the point a little. Not ice cream, but biology at the zoo. I'll use that as an example. Go to the zoo. No packing in the junk food. Take some pictures of animals she'd like to read about, and familiarize yourself with what is there and what you can cover in future. Make some notes. Go to the library and get some books. Have lunch, do an intro to your grammar curriculum, then do some bio reading, do a simple art project on the animal, and review the classifications of animals.

 

Next day, try the same with history and start in with some math drill. Mix "discovery" with seat work. If there is one curriculum that is wrong, change it, but if ALL are "boring" or "horrible", tighten the screws.

 

I'm not very experienced at either mothering or hs, but I just wanted to point out that there was a middle ground between ice cream and afgans and dog piles in the yard.:001_smile:

 

And I would work on that placid sorry-but-that-is-the-way-it-is face and voice. And no TV for babysitting. HTH

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Thanks! I love the zoo idea.. being we started the classification 1st chapt of science!~

Im also planning a trip to the fenimore art museum right near us.. they have a special American Indian Art show going on now , with a HUGE totem pole that was brought across the country. (Native Americans- our first chapt of history)

Maybe she will realize the connection..

ahhh the transition phase..:tongue_smilie:

Hoping this week will be better. :D

[Garga]

I haven't read all the responses, but the part where you said that she asked all last year to be homeschooled, and now says she hates it brought back a memory:

 

When I was in 7th grade, I was bullied and teased and treated horribly at a private school. I hated the school, hated the kids, hated the teachers and was desperate to get away.

 

So, in 8th grade, my parents were going to move me to a public school. I was SO GLAD that I wouldn't get going to that horrible private school anymore.

 

But on the last day of the private school, when my parents came to take me home, I remember sobbing and not wanting to leave.

 

It was fear of something new.

 

Here's hoping that it's just the transition and "change" that is causing your dd to resist. Others have posted with ideas on how to connect.

 

I've also had a couple of days where I've cried in front of the kids because they're being so miserable about school.

 

You will get through this.

[PollyOR]

:grouphug: Lindsay, when I started homeschooling my oldest (8th grade) she severely tested my parental authority. I've seen this over and over on homeschool boards during the past ten years.

 

My younger kids have always been homeschooled yet they do a lite version of this every school year. Once they realize that I'm going to stick to my guns, they stop bucking me, are much happier, and our homeschool days improve dramatically.

 

HANG IN THERE! and continue to come vent here. BTDT :)

[cheryl h]

This was us last year, only I had four grumpy faces watching me cry. It really just takes time. Now that we've been here for a year, they don't want to go back to the school they were in. We took the very good advise of some of the same ladies posting to you, and took a very much needed break. You have a lot on your plate...give yourself permission to start hsing slowly. It took a while for my kids to accept their reality of being homeschooled, and giving it time is really hard, but it does get better. For us it took getting involved in other homeschooler type activities like a weekly co-op or other groups like 4H(specifically for hs'ers), for my kids to see that not only were they not alone, there are lots of other hs'ers out there that are "cool" people, and that the world is bigger than the school they came from. She will make new friends. The co-op has been such a blessing as it gives them time away from me to be with friends, and gives me a break too. It takes time. Don't give up. :grouphug: Daily remind yourself to keep your perspective, "It will get better!"