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Partner who is Ambivalent or Hostile to Homeschooling?


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First of all, we are a homeschooling family. My intention is to educate my children at home through high school. My husband supports me and it is a decision we came to together but he honestly seems ambivalent about it which kind of drives me crazy.

 

He agrees that homeschooling is AN option - he would never describe it as the BEST opition. He says our kids would be fine in public school because of our home life. I am so passionate about this subject and it's strange to me to have him not see it the same way. We think very much alike politically, religiously, morally, etc so it's strange to be on different sides on this. After I did the research on home education I just couldn't NOT do it. Institutional school is not a option. He has not read as much as me on the subject because he has to work all the time to support our little adventure. I am very grateful for that and I suppose I should just count my blessings and move on.

 

Just wondering if anyone else has a partner who is ambivilant or even hostile to homeschooling?

 

 

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DH isn't hostile, but he certainly doesn't think HS is the only way. Case in point, PDG is in PS for 1st grade... not what I wanted to do, but I'm deferring on this one, and making sure to afterschool as needed. His feeling is that children must be "flexible" and able to go back and forth between the home and school setting. He also seems to think it will "toughen her up" and knock some of the raw (diva-tendency) edges off to be a smaller fish in a big pond.

 

I feel your frustration, though. I'm there right now.

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I would say that my husband is not nonsupportive of our homeschooling but frequently makes comments that make me realize that it probably wouldn't even be on his radar without my participation. I have to be careful of complaining about the kids attitude or behavior during school because his response is "Put them in school". I've explained to him that it doesn't really help and seems dismissive but he sees it as an option to solve my problem so I've just decided to be careful as to how much complaining I do :)

 

Another thing he has told me in a joking matter is that if something happens to me the kids will be on the school bus the next day. At one level this is part of a joke, but I have no doubt that he would make no effort to continue the homschooling even if it was possible without me.

 

All that said, we are starting our 11th year of homschooling so it really is our lifestyle and the above conversations are so infrequent that sometimes I forget that he's not quite as enthusiastic as I am.

Edited by JanOH
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I think my husband has a partner who is not as committed to homeschooling as he is. Don't get me wrong, we're both on board with this project, it's a decision we came to together, and we're going to stick it out as long as it is what's best for our kids. And we're in agreement on that. That said, though, I think I am marginally closer to the fence. I do see benefits of institutional education. I see drawbacks too. But homeschooling also has its pros and cons. For me, it's a matter of weighing options and choosing the option that's best at this time. But I do like to keep my options open because things change and I don't want to be focused in on one thing so strongly, even if it's a good thing, that I miss something better when (if) it comes along. For dh, I think it's more a matter of doing what's necessary to make sure his kids can be educated at home. Which sometimes includes reminding me why I'm doing this to myself...lol. For now, at least, we both agree that home is best for our children's education.

 

Regarding your husband, I hope you will take this as gently as I intend it. It seems odd to me after reading your explanation of the situation to see you describe the two of you as being on "different sides". Here is a man who is willing to sit down and listen to your position and participate in weighing options and making a decision. He wants to be involved in the family and in harmony with you on family decisions. It's clear that having a good home life is a top priority for him regardless of where the kids are educated. He sees your passion on this issue and chooses to fully support you in following your convictions. He's even willing to "work all the time" in order to make your dream possible. Here you have a man who willingly chooses to be "on your side" to the point that he joins in the struggles to make "your side" happen. He CHOOSES your side even though he sees other options as also viable. He chooses to stand beside you, support you, be with you in this, because that is what he WANTS to do, not out of some sense of compulsion or duty or fear. He's there, on your side, by choice, not by force. I don't see how that can be a bad thing. I think you've got a fabulous guy there. Why do you need him to feel compelled to be on your side? What's wrong with letting him be on your side out of his own free choice?

Edited by MamaSheep
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I think I am just kind of selfish and I want him to love it as much as I do. I am being totally honest!

 

Regarding your husband, I hope you will take this as gently as I intend it. It seems odd to me after reading your explanation of the situation to see you describe the two of you as being on "different sides". Here is a man who is willing to sit down and listen to your position and participate in weighing options and making a decision. He wants to be involved in the family and in harmony with you on family decisions. It's clear that having a good home life is a top priority for him regardless of where the kids are educated. He sees your passion on this issue and chooses to fully support you in following your convictions. He's even willing to "work all the time" in order to make your dream possible. Here you have a man who willingly chooses to be "on your side" to the point that he joins in the struggles to make "your side" happen. He CHOOSES your side even though he sees other options as also viable. He chooses to stand beside you, support you, be with you in this, because that is what he WANTS to do, not out of some sense of compulsion or duty or fear. He's there, on your side, by choice, not by force. I don't see how that can be a bad thing. I think you've got a fabulous guy there. Why do you need him to feel compelled to be on your side? What's wrong with letting him be on your side out of his own free choice?

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I just had this conversation with dh. He just doesn't love it like I do and would be fine with the kids going back to school. Part of it is that it is just financially hard to homeschool in the way I want to do it. He is supportive to an extent, but doesn't see it as the only best choice. Interestingly, he was homeschooled for early elementary and had a good experience. Perhaps because he was able to transition to school just fine, he doesn't see going to school as a big deal. I am just having to accept that he will just never be as excited about it as I am. He has said that because he is focused on working to support the family that he doesn't necessarily have the time or desire to put into researching homeschooling like I do. I can accept that. I have such great respect for his always keeping a roof over our heads, food on the table, and willingness to pay for educational expenses without question. And I know that when put into a situation where he has to defend homeschooling he will. Just not at the level of enthusiasm that I do.

 

Lesley

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My dh was ambivalent about it. But a couple of years ago I finally told him that it was time to put the kids into the public school because my chronic illness was approaching invalid status at that point. Boy, was I shocked when he said, "No, let's keep homeschooling them!" He said that they were ahead of their ps peers and so we could afford to take a couple of months off to exclusively focus on my health. We took off from the end of November to the end of January that year until my health did start to turn around some. Anyway - the point of all of this was that somewhere, sometime unbeknownst to me, he became a homeschool supporter even though he still does not do the "rah rah homeschooler!" thing.

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I think I am just kind of selfish and I want him to love it as much as I do. I am being totally honest!

 

I do understand, and I really am not trying to make you feel bad or anything. I just kind of wanted to put in a word of caution not to let not having that last 10% of what you would like to have ruin the 90% that you DO have. Ninety percent ain't half bad.

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My dh was supportive, but not super passionate about hsing back when all the kids were young. Now that we are on our last year of homeschool for my oldest (even w/part-time ps), my dh is really happy with homeschooling. In fact, most of our family on both sides now are supportive. They think our kids are incredible and smart and that homeschooling was a big part of the results. I think so, too, but also know that temperment and personality paired with a strong supportive family is the main reason. My kids are pretty easy, even my adhd kiddo.

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yep - my dh doesn't care one way or the other. if i said i was putting the kids in ps tomorrow, he'd just say "oh okay. so you do you need the truck?" :laugh:

 

Same here, except I already drive the truck, he gets the little commuter car. :tongue_smilie: He's ambivalent about a lot of things I'm pretty passionate about, but the reverse is also true. I only run because it's the best, easiest way to stay somewhat in shape. I don't love it, and I don't think I ever will.

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Dh was adamantly opposed to hsing for 10 yrs. Hs is the way I have always wanted to educate our children. Our oldest son has gone to ps all the way through (he's in 10th gd now). The worst fight we've had in 16 yrs of marriage was over this subject. Dh just didn't see it as a viable choice for us, to the point where he simply wouldn't even discuss it.

 

Two years ago we had to make some decisions for our increasing number of school-aged kids, and once I pulled up my big-girl panties and told him again of my passion for and committment to hsing, he all of a sudden said, 'OK.'

 

And that's all I've had since. It's my baby, that's for sure. I would absolutely, positively LOVE for him to be 'on board' or even interested. He did look at the results of the testing we did in the spring. I have to accept that he's not going to help or encourage, but that I have the opportunity at all is a miracle for which I am so thankful.

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Guest Alte Veste Academy

First of all, we are a homeschooling family. My intention is to educate my children at home through high school. My husband supports me and it is a decision we came to together but he honestly seems ambivalent about it which kind of drives me crazy.

 

He agrees that homeschooling is AN option - he would never describe it as the BEST opition. He says our kids would be fine in public school because of our home life. I am so passionate about this subject and it's strange to me to have him not see it the same way. We think very much alike politically, religiously, morally, etc so it's strange to be on different sides on this. After I did the research on home education I just couldn't NOT do it. Institutional school is not a option. He has not read as much as me on the subject because he has to work all the time to support our little adventure. I am very grateful for that and I suppose I should just count my blessings and move on.

 

Just wondering if anyone else has a partner who is ambivilant or even hostile to homeschooling?

 

 

 

 

I bolded above what struck me. It's hard to be truly passionate about something when you haven't read all the nitty-gritty details, you know?

 

I have read countless books on homeschooling, the trouble with public schools and the bureaucracy of education, learning styles, homeschooling methods, everything by or about Charlotte Mason, SWB, etc., philosophies of teaching math, language, etc., etc., etc. On the flip side, DH has listened to me read a few choice paragraphs of the above aloud. :lol:

 

You said you and your DH think very much alike in other areas. Does he have more knowledge about those subjects than he does about homeschooling? I would guess so.

 

I am passionate (and maybe a bit crazed? :tongue_smilie:). DH is very supportive, mostly because of my passion, his trust in my decisions, and because those were some really great paragraphs. :D

 

However, DH's support for me can sometimes ironically give the appearance of ambivalence about homeschooling. Ours is a stressful life with deployments and TDYs and long hours even when he is home. It is exhausting to homeschool three young kids without the break that school would obviously give me. DH sees that and thinks he is being supportive when I am having a particularly stressful time and he says something about public school being an option. He doesn't necessarily recognize what a failure that would be for me personally, given my passionate feelings about the benefits of homeschooling. (I just talked to him about this because of your post and explained it though, so thanks! I explained to him that me failing at homeschooling would be the equivalent of him having failed flight school and he totally got it! :D)

 

My personal preference for supportive statements...

 

"How about I take the kids to the park to ride their bikes for a few hours so you can get some alone time."

 

"Would you like to spend Saturday at the library so you can get some planning done in peace?"

 

"If you pack us a picnic, I'll take the kids to the fish pond for lunch."

 

When the kids are all 100% with their swimming skills (Grandma has a pool), it will be the Holy Grail: "How about I take the kids to Mom's house this weekend and you can be alone for a few days." :lol:

 

I have to be careful of complaining about the kids attitude or behavior during school because his response is "Put them in school". I've explained to him that it doesn't really help and seems dismissive but he sees it as an option to solve my problem so I've just decided to be careful as to how much complaining I do :)

 

:iagree: Yes!

 

I will call friends and cry or whine but I limit it with DH. Talking about challenges in a cool, calm manner goes perfectly fine but Code Blue level freak-outs and crying in the closet are generally not met with the type of supportive statements I want, as outlined above. :lol:

Edited by Alte Veste Academy
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He has not read as much as me on the subject because he has to work all the time to support our little adventure. I am very grateful for that and I suppose I should just count my blessings and move on.

 

 

 

 

 

Yep :)

 

While he's still saying "whatever you like, Dear," you get to keep doing what you want to do.

 

We're obviously not homeschooling yet, but most certainly in the trenches with parenting. If I want to hear positives I say things like "Hey! Tell me I'm great for breastfeeding instead of tossing them out the door with a tin of baked beans!" Or "Tell me how clever and dedicated I am to be working so hard to prepare myself to educate your favourite children!" He could care less if I didn't do these things, but he does think I'm great/clever/dedicated or whatever for doing it.

 

I agree with Mamasheep too. He's there on your side. If he wasn't, you wouldn't have a homeschooling budget. You can't expect him to love it as much as you do. Firstly, he's not doing it. Secondly, the average guy doesn't get thrills out of spelling curricula. And that's ok. It gives us permission not to ever learn what all those random computer cords are for :D

 

:)

Rosie

Edited by Rosie_0801
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I had a partner who was ambivalent and sometimes even doubtful and hostile about the idea of homeschooling. (I suspected at the root of it all was the fact that he lacked trust in my ability to pull it off). I quit trying to "sell" him on the idea years ago. I started keeping a tight budget, keeping up with the family schedule, being on time, etc. I started doing a host of things like this that he had expressed concerns about. I think this lead him to trust me with more and more and eventually believe that I could handle our children's education (a much bigger thing in the scheme of things).

 

I also stopped processing all I read about education or the school system or homeschooling out loud with him over dinner. We talked about other things (like his job... :(). But, to have an outlet for all my ideas, I started blogging about my ideas and putting them into a coherent form on my blog. www.thebouldens.com My husband started reading my blog, here and there, then, eventually, he started reading it religiously (because he saw that I meant business and did it faithfully). He started talking to me about what I wrote on there first... bringing up the topic of homeschooling, etc. and he was more and more positive about homeschooling as the months went by.

 

I just started teaching my daughter like I would have taught her anyway... Years later, at this point, he is a stronger believer in home school than I am!!! No kidding!!! Formal private school probably wouldn't even be an option in his mind... ;)

 

So, my thoughts about this from my own experience are... If your husband has given you the freedom to home school, just go with it!! Many times, the problems spouses have with home school are actually the problems spouses have with spouses who they aren't entirely sure about... The doubts they express about homeschooling may actually be doubts about other things that go deeper... like "Is my spouse just wasting her day in front of the television?" or "Is she is just being overprotective?" or "Can I trust her with this when she doesn't even care about _?"

 

My husband showed these signs of doubts in me and I tried to respect those concerns (even if they were unfounded and they made we want to get defensive and scream!!!). I started doing what I should do anyway and I left the burden to God. I'd honored the trust he put in me (tentatively at first, but he did trust me) and then did my best as often as I could... I think that ended up sealing up any doubts my husband had. That's was my experience.

 

I know this post makes him sound kind of overbearing... but that is not the case. I just tried to give my husband "room" to be unsure for a while, tried not take it personally and tried to respect the fact that I couldn't expect him to respect my passion for homeschooling... if I didn't respect his passion for being on time or keeping to our budget, etc. etc.

 

Homeschooling will begin to speak for itself and homeschooling works so well that even when we stay-at-home spouses aren't perfect (and even when we waste a few hours in front of the television)... your kids still learn a ton more than they would in public school. :D At least, that's my experience.

Edited by VBoulden
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I have to be careful of complaining about the kids attitude or behavior during school because his response is "Put them in school". I've explained to him that it doesn't really help and seems dismissive but he sees it as an option to solve my problem so I've just decided to be careful as to how much complaining I do :)

 

 

When he has a rough day at work and is spouting off about a co-worker or an idiot boss, do you shrug your shoulders and say, "So quit?" Dh used to do this to me and it made me nuts. Complaining doesn't mean I want to pack it in. It just means I need an ear and a shoulder, KWIM?

 

Barb

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