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Can we discuss having tea for a moment?


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I'll just say it b/c I feel awkward: how do wives who have tea at least twice a week get up the interest??

 

I want a happy dh b/c when he's happy life is so much nicer for everyone.

 

Even if my kids have gone to sleep late, I'll have a glass of wine and join dh -- w/ a good attitude.

 

But some nights I just can't get in the mood. And if I go ahead anyway, it just doesn't work out that well. I mean, it's passable, but it's not what he initially wanted.

 

To be honest, once a week is fine with me. And, of course, that's not what he thinks.

 

I'd love thoughts, ideas.

 

Alley

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Do you exercise ?

 

Daily exercise really revs up your endorphins and that helps gear up your sexual appetite.

 

Try exercising daily for 30 minutes a day, something that really gets the heart pumping. Running, biking, swimming, cardio dvd's or power walking will all help to rev up your sex life and also make you feel really good about yourself and stay healthy at the same time !

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Same boat here. I have a friend who does it about every other day. She's really NEVER into it but just does it for hubby. She says the key is to be quick. ????

 

My hubby doesn't want to be quick, even if I suggest it. Therefore, if I am not in the mood, even though I am "amiable" it does not go the way he would like. We are about once every OTHER week. He said he would like to do more (duh, that goes without saying!), but is still happy because when we do it, it is really good for both of us. He doesn't want to do it more UNLESS I am really in the mood. So we kind of have reached a compromise.

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Mommy to Many ~ You hit it on the head: I don't exercise. I call myself a fake thin person because I do so little that i really should be a lot bigger. I think you're right, exercising would really help.

 

Texas ~ Good point that it won't always be fireworks.

 

Colorado ~ You have a great dh. I'd also be up for quick, but dh isn't quick and too much pressure in that direction doesn't help anything.

 

Hockey ~ You're my hero. Have you thought of writing a book??

 

Thank you everyone! Alley

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You didn't mention your age, but as I got older and after my hysterectomy, I wasn't as interested in tea as often either. And both of us have health issues that sometimes just preclude everything else. That being said, like your house, ours runs much more smoothly with lots of tea. So sometimes I just put a smile on my face and go for it. Even though I'm dog-tired and my bones ache. It usually ends up being a really good cup of tea. You can't act like it's a "pity tea" though. No man would be honored that way.

 

I did explain to my dh that tea begins in the morning from the first words of "Good Morning", and that to bring my tea to a rapid boil requires extra effort on his part. I need to "steep" longer these days. :D

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My dh never understood the fact that I could be too tired to enjoy it, till he worked 200 hours in a 10 day period. THEN he got it. He now understands that I have to go to bed EARLY to be in the mood. He's a night owl, I'm an early bird.

 

Things work out better when we are both well rested. And it helps to think of him fondly through the day, what I like about him, etc.

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I honor my own hormonal cycle, and dh honors it, too. That helps a lot.

And, I know this isn't for everyone, and may sound hokey to some, but I prayed for more desire, and to fall in love with my husband again, and God must've thought that was a good prayer, because he granted it.:001_smile:

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Oh, wow, I was ready to chime in about all the different flavors of tea that I like, and then I realized this is not about tea at all.....:blushing:

Heh, heh...yup, it's really spelled "teA", and if you see talk about "booKs", it's not talking about things you'd read or display in Barnes & Noble, lol! :D

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I keep a storehouse of memories of all the wonderful things dh has done for me and all the things I love about him in my brain. I play them in my head as we are getting ready for bed. (They also come in handy when he ticks me off and I need to get a grip before I say something unlovely.) I also ask dh to give me a backrub sometimes, which tends to jump start the process. :001_smile: I also don't overschedule or overwork so much on other thigns that I don't have time for dh. I make it a true priority, not just something I try to work in if I have the energy.

 

Honestly, my tea doesn't "boil" every single time. It took a while for dh to be okay with that, to see that I could still be happy with just a nice time together and making him happy. :001_smile: Sometimes I just need to go the ten minute route, because I am tired or stressed. I try to make sure that isn't too often.

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I don't ever have tea if I don't feel like it. I can't see how trying to make myself want something I don't feel like is good for either of us.

We are a bit like the previous "desperate" poster. Once a month is great- its always good.

Dh would like more tea, sometimes, or so he says. But he doesn't do anything much about it and just waits for me to be ready...so good, once a month tea it is.

I dont subscribe to making tea in order to keep the man happy. Wanting to increase your libido for your own joy is another thing.

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I've found that when we get into the habit of only once a week, then my desire for tea dwindles. When we're in the habit of several times a week, my desire improves.

 

Sometimes I have to force myself into the habit, but after a while it just comes naturally.

This is probably the biggest thing for me.

 

Also, the exercise. If I'm exercising and eating well it makes me feel so much better about myself and that makes me feel much sexier.

 

I also sometimes shower in the evening, put on nice lotion and pajamas or a nightgown that makes me feel sexy. (this is all kind of signal to DH)

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While I agree with Peela re: "not having sex just to make your man happy", but.....

 

 

When we were first married I hung around with my cousin a lot. She always told her husband, "I'm not there yet, but let's get started and I will be soon!" I always thought that her attitude was so AWESOME in that she acknowledged that she was not in the mood at the time, but.....she could get there with the right amount of percolatin'!

 

Sometimes I'm not 'there' yet, but I get started in that direction and we both end up happy! :001_smile:

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We're in a slump right now so I read this thread with interest. Our whole marriage it's been that he really wants tea often and I don't. Not a reflection on him, I think my hormones have always been just not quite right. Now that he's under so much stress at work he doesn't want tea anymore much at all. And doesn't think he could. That's worrisome. I have a plan to get us back into the groove of at least once every 2 weeks. More than that is not reasonable for me to expect of us and would put too much pressure on me. I am 43 and he's 45 and we've been married almost 22 years. But our kids are still young and life is stressful. Gotta give yourself a break. I think the biggest problem comes from when one wants more tea than the other one. But if there is a mutual agreement, like Peela said, then it's fine and no one has to be counting.

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Oh, wow, I was ready to chime in about all the different flavors of tea that I like, and then I realized this is not about tea at all.....:blushing:

 

oh, I see you've only posted 32 times. A newbie? ;):D You may want to remember that BooKs aren't books that you read, tea isn't always tea you drink, and some things you just don't want to ask. Anything regarding crockpots, shopping carts, or wearing shoes in the house, or not, are things that may make you :svengo:

 

just sayin.................:001_cool:

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I have been thinking lately...yes, it is difficult and one of marriage's challenges when one partner wants more tea than the other.

 

However, the idea that we "should" want more tea than we do, or that a couple can't be content with irregular and infrequent tea, if both are ok with it...seems silly. Particularly as we get older and the relationship gets older.

Tea is after all...a biological imperative toward making babies...and sometimes the desire just kind of wears away for a few years, especially if the making babies phase is well past and life is busy or stressful. I have heard of plenty of couples who get right back into enjoyable making tea more frequently later in life.

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DH and I are very intimate throughout the day. We kiss -- really kiss-- a few mornings each week before he leaves and man, that gets my day started and my engine going. He'll call me from work to tell me a little something "naughty" every once in a while. I'll surprise him (and myself) with nice underthings a few times a year -- and he never mentions the cost. I always have candles in the bedroom and an ipod list for just relaxing -- which often turns to TeA, but sometime just amazing intimacy that leads to TeA later.

 

So, yes, it takes a little "effort" but it is SO worth it and I can honestly say I love it!

 

edited: I'm 40 and DH has had the surgery, so that takes A LOT of stress and worry away :-)

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Ok, I am going to have to go with another analogy here. I am like a rechargable battery. When I am fully charged I am good for about a 48 hour window. After that I am dead and need to be recharged. That takes about a week. Now this just happens to work perfectly when my hubby is on the road because he is only home two days a week. We take full advantage of those two days and then I have a week to recharge.

 

If my hubby were also a rechargable battery, he would be a less powerful one that needed to be recharged more often. When he is working from home he prefers every three days to twice in two days. Our voltages are not the same so we need a convertor.

 

In our case, this works out to be me accomodating him in other ways that makes him just as happy (if not more so). This way both of our needs are met in such a way that we can each maintain our own natural cycles and rhythms without any short circuits.

 

There, I do believe that I have written this in such a way that most of you will understand but an innocent bystander would have no idea what I am talking about. :D

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Ok, I am going to have to go with another analogy here. I am like a rechargable battery. When I am fully charged I am good for about a 48 hour window. After that I am dead and need to be recharged. That takes about a week. Now this just happens to work perfectly when my hubby is on the road because he is only home two days a week. We take full advantage of those two days and then I have a week to recharge.

 

If my hubby were also a rechargable battery, he would be a less powerful one that needed to be recharged more often. When he is working from home he prefers every three days to twice in two days. Our voltages are not the same so we need a convertor.

 

In our case, this works out to be me accomodating him in other ways that makes him just as happy (if not more so). This way both of our needs are met in such a way that we can each maintain our own natural cycles and rhythms without any short circuits.

 

There, I do believe that I have written this in such a way that most of you will understand but an innocent bystander would have no idea what I am talking about. :D

 

:lol:

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Slightly desperate tea makes the experience better and more fun.

 

Your dh's expectations may or may not be unreasonable. It depends if he is doing his part...I'll explain..

 

I find that game of seduction is different as it includes dh to get the kids IN bed and dead asleep or (the equivalent) and the house in order so that I can clear my mind of mental clutter. If I still have housewife to dos floating around in my brain and dh pressuring for tea, I get really huffy about it. Sooooo, maybe your dh could include mental seduction as well physical.

 

It is unreasonable for a man to expect tea while the wife is harried.

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I could have tea everyday.

 

Love. Tea.

 

I'm just as happy with quick, instant tea as I am with the slow steeped kind ;) .

 

Tea makes me happy. Very happy.

 

Dh, however, doesn't share the same drive as myself...he's quite content with once...maybe twice a week.

 

I sometimes wonder why God timed men and women's peaks at such different ages...sigh.

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What we have found is that desperate tea is the best tea...... maybe once a month or so. :D The more desperate, the better. :001_smile:
I'm glad to know there are others who feel this way. We're down to 2-3 times/year (if that) and honestly, I'm good with that...really good.

 

Tea is after all...a biological imperative toward making babies...and sometimes the desire just kind of wears away for a few years, especially if the making babies phase is well past and life is busy or stressful.
This kind of tea is about the only kind I'm up for. Those 2-3 days during my cycle are good days; after that, forget it.

 

I honor my own hormonal cycle, and dh honors it, too. That helps a lot.

And, I know this isn't for everyone, and may sound hokey to some, but I prayed for more desire, and to fall in love with my husband again, and God must've thought that was a good prayer, because he granted it.:001_smile:

 

{{sigh}} I've prayed for years and nothing changed. I led a class on intimacy (ME!) and nothing changed. I explained my hormonal cycle to my dh and let him know how great that window of 2-3 days is and all that happened was he got upset that the rest of my cycle I had no desire. I even told him that since tea is nowhere in my thinking after a certain point in my cycle that he would have to take the initiative, and give me plenty of time (24 hours at least would be nice, lol) to prepare mentally. Didn't work.

 

This topic is a huge struggle for my dh and me as I'm fine with "baby-making" tea and he would like for me to be, well, more like him. Not going to happen. I have more important things to think about in my day than "that" and definitely more important things to do with my time.

 

Sorry so blunt...or maybe I'm not sorry. Maybe I'm tired of feeling pressure to feel things I don't, to fit the mold of a tea-desiring woman. That's not me, never has been me.

 

Kudos to those who make the effort for their dhs despite your mood. This is one time I wonder why polygamy is so taboo - to have someone else willing to meet this need in my dh while I take care of the important (to me) things like house, school, exercise would be great!

Edited by LuvnMySvn
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Kudos to those who make the effort for their dhs despite your mood. This is one time I wonder why polygamy is so taboo - to have someone else willing to meet this need in my dh while I take care of the important (to me) things like house, school, exercise would be great!

 

I must admit I definitely feel this way every single time I go through the first trimester of a pregnancy. I'm so *very* sick, so exhausted, my booKs hurt, my head pounds, and dh wants what?? :scared: Um no. :001_huh::lol:

 

All I can think of is, "Honey, can't you find somebody else?" :tongue_smilie: :leaving:

Edited by plain jane
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I could have tea everyday.

 

Love. Tea.

 

I'm just as happy with quick, instant tea as I am with the slow steeped kind ;) .

 

Tea makes me happy. Very happy.

 

Dh, however, doesn't share the same drive as myself...he's quite content with once...maybe twice a week.

 

I sometimes wonder why God timed men and women's peaks at such different ages...sigh.

 

Well, that and it seems that we are always drawn to our opposites. They complete us but it does present challanges. ;)

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Oh, wow, I was ready to chime in about all the different flavors of tea that I like, and then I realized this is not about tea at all.....:blushing:

 

I love it when we do that to newbies! I opened the thread BECAUSE it was about teA.:lol:

 

 

I have been thinking lately...yes, it is difficult and one of marriage's challenges when one partner wants more tea than the other.

 

However, the idea that we "should" want more tea than we do, or that a couple can't be content with irregular and infrequent tea, if both are ok with it...seems silly. Particularly as we get older and the relationship gets older.

Tea is after all...a biological imperative toward making babies...and sometimes the desire just kind of wears away for a few years, especially if the making babies phase is well past and life is busy or stressful. I have heard of plenty of couples who get right back into enjoyable making tea more frequently later in life.

 

I totally agree Peela. Tea really is a personal thing between the two involved and if one couple likes it once in a while, while another couple likes it all the time, that's OK. And, for many years I WAS tired and I had littles and it WAS too hard to find time etc (not to mention the health problems I had). So many older women preach to younger women that we're not "doing our job" if we don't feel like drinking tea, but the reality is, I think they've forgotten how hard it is when you're running a family! My youngest is going to be 8. Everyone in this house sleeps through the night, therefore, I find I have more energy, my DDs give DH and I more privacy, and yes, I enjoy more tea.

 

It takes time, but they DO get older, and tea DOES get better. OP-Don't be so hard on yourself. Evaluate what in your life is stealing your enjoyment of tea and start there. Is it the kids, do you need a quiet night out? Do you need to send them away? Do you need a manny/peddy? Do you need to go shopping for something pretty? Figure out what would help YOU and then put it in motion. Your DH will appreciate it.;)

 

Blessings!

Dorinda

:D

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When one has a dh who, ummmm, likes to drink a lot of tea (as much as possible) and you, on the other hand, think the occasional cup once a week is very fine and tasty, it is a bit of a struggle. Obviously, if the folks involved are both very happy with the same amount of tea (whatever that might be), no problem exists.

 

I am one of those wives who truly tries to understand that while I might like tea at times, my dh really needs tea. He, on the other hand, understands that I will have some tea when I am not really craving any tea solely because of him and not expect that I use the fine china, steep it for an hour, go to a lot of effort, etc. :tongue_smilie: But it feels like part of taking care of him to provide some tea. Men are (in general, obviously there are exceptions), wired differently than women. And I much prefer that dh would want my particular flavor of tea than not be interested, even if it is a bother at times to put the kettle on.:glare:

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While I agree with Peela re: "not having sex just to make your man happy", but.....

 

 

When we were first married I hung around with my cousin a lot. She always told her husband, "I'm not there yet, but let's get started and I will be soon!" I always thought that her attitude was so AWESOME in that she acknowledged that she was not in the mood at the time, but.....she could get there with the right amount of percolatin'!

 

Sometimes I'm not 'there' yet, but I get started in that direction and we both end up happy! :001_smile:

 

:iagree: There are many times I may not be "there" yet but I get "there". Times have switched on dh and I. I used to want teA more than him now he wants it more than me. We go through phases.

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I am one of those wives who truly tries to understand that while I might like tea at times, my dh really needs tea. He, on the other hand, understands that I will have some tea when I am not really craving any tea solely because of him and not expect that I use the fine china, steep it for an hour, go to a lot of effort, etc. :tongue_smilie: But it feels like part of taking care of him to provide some tea. Men are (in general, obviously there are exceptions), wired differently than women. And I much prefer that dh would want my particular flavor of tea than not be interested, even if it is a bother at times to put the kettle on.:glare:

 

:iagree: So well put. :001_smile:

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Wow, I guess my dh and I are really lucky. We both really like to have tea. :001_wub: Two to three times per week is good for both of us. Although I don't think he'd object to more. :D And, sometimes we do "drink" more! I think you just have to have a good attitude about it. It's fun!! Enjoy your tea...be playful. Victoria's Secret is one of my favorite stores...and his. ;) Read some spicy romance novels...a friend of mine refers to them as her "libido bookshelf". Make it a priority and do it often. The more you do it, the more you want to do it.

 

Diane W.

married for 22 years

homeschooling 3 kiddos for 16 years

 

PS. As I am a Mormon, the references to "tea" are even more amusing than usual. We don't drink tea. :lol:

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Care to share your ipod playlist? I have a playlist of that sort too and I'm always looking for some new titles to add to it!

 

Thanks so much!

 

astrid

 

I'll happily share some of my favorites, but they may seem odd to you :-).

 

C’Mon get Higher – Matt Nathanson

Your body is a Wonderland by John Mayer ( I don’t like him, but song is hot!)

Tracy Chapman – Give Me One Reason

Let me love tonight – Harry Conick Jr.

You And Me -- Plain White T's

Ice Cream -- Sarah McLachlan

You Were Meant For Me – Jewel

Desire –Ryan Adams

Someone like You – Shawn Colvin

Goo-Goo Dolls --Iris

Afterglow by INXS

Just the Way You Are – Billy Joel

Train – If it’s Love

Come Away with Me -Nora Jones

Shower the People –James Taylor

Love Should – Moby

Stay –Lisa Loeb

Love Song –The Cure

Somebody –Depeche Mode

Lonely No More (acoustic) –Rob Thomas

Fiona Apple --Criminal

'll Make Love to You -- Boys 2 Men

Careless Whispers –WHAM

Hold my Hand – Hootie and the Blowfish

Building a Mystery –Sarah McLachlan

Marry Me -- Train

Savin’ all the love –Joe Firstman

 

As you can see, most of my list is very "40 something" ish and not typical "romance music" :lol:. But, hey, it works for us:D

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I honor my own hormonal cycle, and dh honors it, too.

 

This is so important. My hubby actually used to adjust his calendar to insure that he was home as much as possible during the week before ovulation. He could also tell the moment I ovulated because he says it was like some flipped a light switch. Of course it's not quite so easy for him anymore now that I only ovulate once every three to six months. I do kind of wonder what will happen once I have completed menopause. That is one of the rough things about being a woman, about the time you adjust to your hormonal cycle, it up and changes on you - puberty, pregnancy, breastfeeding, mid life and then menopause. It hard enough for us to figure out and we are experiencing it. Imagine how hard it must be for them. :001_huh:

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I am one of those wives who truly tries to understand that while I might like tea at times, my dh really needs tea. He, on the other hand, understands that I will have some tea when I am not really craving any tea solely because of him and not expect that I use the fine china, steep it for an hour, go to a lot of effort, etc. :tongue_smilie: But it feels like part of taking care of him to provide some tea. Men are (in general, obviously there are exceptions), wired differently than women. And I much prefer that dh would want my particular flavor of tea than not be interested, even if it is a bother at times to put the kettle on.:glare:

 

What she said... I also find that the older I get the MORE I like tea. :D

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I could have tea everyday.

 

Love. Tea.

 

I'm just as happy with quick, instant tea as I am with the slow steeped kind ;) .

 

Tea makes me happy. Very happy.

 

Dh, however, doesn't share the same drive as myself...he's quite content with once...maybe twice a week.

 

I sometimes wonder why God timed men and women's peaks at such different ages...sigh.

 

Oh I am so glad I am not the only one :lol: I have to remember that he works every day and does many other things for me!

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However, the idea that we "should" want more tea than we do, or that a couple can't be content with irregular and infrequent tea, if both are ok with it...seems silly.

 

Mmm. Having been through something like 8 months of sex counseling (oh man, the things I'll share for the sake of education) the major thing we got out of it was:

 

Be ok with it.

 

If you are in reasonable health (eating, drinking, sleeping and exercising enough) and not on the pill, which commonly zombifies unsuspecting libidos, then whatever teA schedule you like is quite normal. A once weekly or monthly interest doesn't make you broken any more than a twice weekly or monthly interest does. You wouldn't think that an acceptance that you are both different and neither of you is wrong would actually solve the frequency difference issue, but oddly enough it did. One day it wasn't an issue anymore. We go with it when we are in the mood, when one of us isn't, there are other uh, supportive, things the uninspired one can do for the enthused. We don't have to match each other cup for cup every time.

 

And if husband wants teA, he will make the effort to help out with a bit of housework, make sure his missus gets a sleep in on Saturday mornings, offer a foot massage and not schedule business trips when she's ovulating; just like when we want our hubbies to clean the garage, we will flutter our eyelashes, tell him how tough and manly we think garage cleaning guys are and bake muffins, or at least that's what my dh finds inspiring :) We don't expect them to work hard at guilt tripping themselves into wanting to clean the garage, and if they realised we were having to do that sort of thing to bully our hormones into a persuadable mood, they'd tell us to :chillpill: and maybe the stars will be aligned tomorrow. They don't want us to go through emotional pain in order to bully ourselves into bed. (Or if they do, they shouldn't be surprised that they don't get much.) I watched a marriage seminar series by a Christian priest fellow, I forget his name, and as he said, that little "oooh yeah" feeling a guy gets is supposed to be translated to "BE NICE TO THE GIRL!" Being nice to the girl always helps. It might not get her into *that* mood, but she will stop nagging and will smile at you instead ;)

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

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I'd be really curious to know the variables of all the tea drinkers here.... how long they have been married....how many kids.....how many struggles they have been through (financial/medical/etc). I think a lot of these variables affect our appreciation or need for tea.

 

My husband and I are older then a lot of parents with kids our ages.... I am 48 and he is 55. We have been married for over 21 years and have gone through some very, very rough financial times.....life, now, is very good. I think, at this time, we have a very healthy attitude about tea...... we'd love to have more tea, but never seem to get around to it. We are never (and I do mean NEVER!) away from our kids......and so the opportunity for anything but a quicky is out of the question. :lol: One of our jokes about tea is that we have alot of oral tea...we talk about it all the time! :lol:

 

I just think that after awhile......... that burning desire to have tea mellows......and that's okay so long as both tea drinkers are happy with it.

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Keep in touch throughout the day. $exting is OK within the bounds of marriage. :D Theme nights and scavenger hunts are also fun. Trying different times of the day spices things up, too. DH and I have business meetings often as soon as he gets home from work. Having teenagers has proven to be a major buzz-kill lately, but planning fun, surprise attacks on him gets me motivated. :D Remember to think outside the box, too. :tongue_smilie: You don't always have to have full-blown teA. Trying new things always brings us closer. Most of the time it's, "YOWSA! That's new!" Other times it's, "Um, not so much..." which makes for a good laugh.

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I'd be really curious to know the variables of all the tea drinkers here.... how long they have been married....how many kids.....how many struggles they have been through (financial/medical/etc). I think a lot of these variables affect our appreciation or need for tea.

 

 

 

Dh and I have been married for 10 years, as of next month, and I'm pregnant with #5. #1 came into the marriage with me, so we have never ever been childless.

 

TeA *really* doesn't sound very appealing to me while pg, so that can be a problem. But as far as struggles... well, we tend to nearly OD on teA during those times. Really, really good teA.

 

Like a pp mentioned, there's something about desperate teA. Whether it's because we're trying to escape troubles or just haven't gotten around to it in a long time, desperate teA really hits the spot!

 

Honestly, half-asleep morning teA is sometimes a good compromise. No big effort expected! ;)

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And if husband wants teA, he will make the effort to help out with a bit of housework, make sure his missus gets a sleep in on Saturday mornings, offer a foot massage and not schedule business trips when she's ovulating; just like when we want our hubbies to clean the garage, we will flutter our eyelashes, tell him how tough and manly we think garage cleaning guys are and bake muffins, or at least that's what my dh finds inspiring ;)

 

:lol:

 

 

I'd be really curious to know the variables of all the tea drinkers here.... how long they have been married....how many kids.....how many struggles they have been through (financial/medical/etc). I think a lot of these variables affect our appreciation or need for tea.

 

Ok.. you asked!!!! I actually feel safe enough writing this on here because no-one knows me. (Maybe now I'll make sure y'all never do!!!!)

 

As my signature says.. we've been married 12 years, we have four dc. To begin with we struggled financially, and lived with parents for some time before we were able to get our own place. That was stressful.

 

But the biggie for me is that my husband has been unfaithful - not just once, but several times. Curiously teA has always been good - dh is imaginative and unselfish, but I do have a niggling feeling that it might be better if I knew that the only woman he'd ever been with was me; but in a sense it's a pointless way to think because you can't change the past anyway. You go through the "is there something wrong with me/am I not good enough" question quite a lot, but my rational self knows that it doesn't really have anything to do with me. I try to show him reverence and make the home welcoming for him when he comes home from work; I know I'm not perfect at it but I'm trying. I know he's trying to be faithful to me, too. We're only human, after all.

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I just wanted to add that one thing that absolutely blocked my libido was hidden anger, which was, deeper down, hidden hurt.

 

I had some very subtle ways of telling myself "it's all his fault," when my life was not going in the direction I planned. Not that I'm a big planner--which made it seem to me that I was ok with whatever happened in our life together, such as where we lived or what our schedules turned out to be. After all, for most of our time together, I was able to be home or work part time, I could work at a job I liked, and we had everything we needed, if not everything we wanted. Who could be dissatisfied and angry about a life like that? I thought I was very go-with-the-flow and accepting, but in reality, I'd feel I wasn't totally with the program and got resentful. I felt that my choices were taken away, when really, I had given them away.

 

I also had to forgive my hubby for being human. When it comes to my kids, I want to be in control, and I want him to act a certain way. When all the stuff happened with our middle son, there were multiple times I disagreed with my husband's way of handling things. I saw many opportunities for connection pass by, simply because he was unaware--and because HE felt disrespected, and liked to be in control, too, and you can't necessarily let that stand in the way of your relationship with a teen and see the fruits of connection at the same time.

 

I had no idea how angry and how hurt I was until I had time and energy to take a good long look at myself, and a good look at my marital relationship. I am absolutely NOT saying that those who want less teA are in this boat--I am only sharing my personal experience in case there is someone in it who may not have thought they were! I "withheld" a bit, and I convinced myself that I was ok with a more "roommates" and "friends" kind of relationship. I was busy, tired from kids, slightly depressed, etc., etc.

 

And my dh, bless him, tried for a while, but, after reassuring me countless times that he would be there when I was ready, and not to worry, 'cause he'd always be ready, left me a bit alone.

 

I hurt. My "unconscious strategy" of getting back at him made ME feel rotten. Oh, I didn't want teA, but I did want intimacy, connection...I wanted Marriage. With him.

 

We drifted kinda far apart--I'm not saying there was yelling, or fighting or anything like that--we still laughed together, went on dates, yes, even had teA, but something was missing. I was missing. How many times he tried to meet me, but I was missing--huddled down in my poor little me corner, the one no one sees--it looked like I was there, but I wasn't.

 

I felt very convicted after a while, but mostly, I felt lonely. I wanted my husband.

 

So, as I said, I prayed about it. I confessed all the times I blamed him--and I allowed him to be human. I had had no idea how high my expectations were of him--they didn't seem that high, but really, no one could've met them! He couldn't, anyway, and he's all I have in the mate department, so they were unrealistic for him. I decided I was tired of being angry and hurt all the time.

 

I experienced what I can only describe as a healing time. Not all at once, but more than little by little. Getting away to Calif was great--really, really, really great.

 

Now I can tell the difference in our time together. We are closer. We still don't have teA as often as some people, but it is not because we are holding anything back. I still get angry and hurt, of course!--but the resentful, simmering, carefully-nursed, self-righteous anger is gone. All of it. I see it for what it was, and I'm sorry I wasted so much time.

 

Just my story.

Edited by Chris in VA
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