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We're having a family dinner this afternoon to which we invited my (grown, lives on his own) stepson and his girlfriend. Dh issued an invitation to his (also grown, married with a child) daughter. Dsd declined the invitation, saying she wanted to just hang out with her dh and dd this weekend. That was cool. Until this morning about 10 when she called and told dd that since they didn't have any other plans for dinner, they would take us up on the invitiation and come to dinner after all.:tongue_smilie:

 

For some reason, this just struck me as incredibly rude, and I just can't seem to let it go. Dh did offer to call and "uninvite" her, but I can't bring myself to do that.

 

If you can think of something that would help me calm down, I'd appreciate it.

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The good thing is that she is coming, so you get to bond. The bad thing is that she was not polite in her handling of the invitation. Still, you can be polite back. Polite people don't bring up the rudeness of others. She is already raised, and so the time for input about her rudeness is past. If you have already shopped and can't easily accommodate her, uninvite her. If not, call it good and enjoy her company. In the future, remember that she is like this, and invite her with a bit of detachment from the results. You'll be happier and a better host this way.

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:grouphug: Lawana, this ought to help you calm down: she is comfortable enough with you and her dad that she didn't mind accepting the declined invitation this late in the game. She considers it "home", you know, where they're always welcome. Take it as a good thing and stop thinking about how this affects you. Think about how wonderful it is for her to have this second home she feels welcome to. Hey, I've shown up at my mom's house and my grandparent's house and my in-laws with no warning, sometimes with an hour warning. It's all good. It's safe. :grouphug:

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I think she could have worded it more nicely - "Since we don't have any other plans we will come and hang out with you" does seem rude. It would have been nicer to call and ask if the invitation was still open because on second thought, they'd like to see you and your family.

 

That being said, if this was in my family, we'd be glad of the tag-alongs. The door is always open, so to speak. If there is an issue with how much extra food you'll need, call and ask them to bring something.

 

I take it there is some tension between you and your step-dd? I can see both my sisters-in-law calling me with something like this. I *think* I'd roll my eyes, say "Whatever" and have them come on over. I don't *think* I'd get angry - but I might be overestimating myself. :D

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The good thing is that she is coming, so you get to bond. The bad thing is that she was not polite in her handling of the invitation. Still, you can be polite back. Polite people don't bring up the rudeness of others. She is already raised, and so the time for input about her rudeness is past. If you have already shopped and can't easily accommodate her, uninvite her. If not, call it good and enjoy her company. In the future, remember that she is like this, and invite her with a bit of detachment from the results. You'll be happier and a better host this way.

Oh, I won't say anything about it. The issue really is about the food, since we had planned a big meaty barbeque, and dsd is vegetarian, so I found myself scambling at the last minute to accomodate her. If she had accepted the invitation earlier, I would have had time to plan and shop for appropriate food.

:grouphug: Lawana, this ought to help you calm down: she is comfortable enough with you and her dad that she didn't mind accepting the declined invitation this late in the game. She considers it "home", you know, where they're always welcome. Take it as a good thing and stop thinking about how this affects you. Think about how wonderful it is for her to have this second home she feels welcome to. Hey, I've shown up at my mom's house and my grandparent's house and my in-laws with no warning, sometimes with an hour warning. It's all good. It's safe. :grouphug:

Yes, she's very comfortable here. I babysit her 3 yo 4 days a week, so we see her all the time.

And yes, I just need to get over myself.

I think she could have worded it more nicely - "Since we don't have any other plans we will come and hang out with you" does seem rude. It would have been nicer to call and ask if the invitation was still open because on second thought, they'd like to see you and your family.

 

That being said, if this was in my family, we'd be glad of the tag-alongs. The door is always open, so to speak. If there is an issue with how much extra food you'll need, call and ask them to bring something.

 

I take it there is some tension between you and your step-dd? I can see both my sisters-in-law calling me with something like this. I *think* I'd roll my eyes, say "Whatever" and have them come on over. I don't *think* I'd get angry - but I might be overestimating myself. :D

That is exactly what I would have liked to hear.

And I wish I could be more laid back and generous of spirit. I get too stressed about everything having to be just so.

There's no tension between us, I just don't like being taken for granted, when we do so much for her as it is.

 

Thanks,

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Oh, I won't say anything about it. The issue really is about the food, since we had planned a big meaty barbeque, and dsd is vegetarian, so I found myself scambling at the last minute to accomodate her. If she had accepted the invitation earlier, I would have had time to plan and shop for appropriate food.

 

 

 

In that case, I think it would be perfectly reasonable to just tell her that there will be slim pickins' for her since you planned the menu and shopped after she declined, and so you have not been as vegetarian-friendly as you normally would be. She can have potatoes, beans, and salad, but that's pretty much it.

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There's no tension between us, I just don't like being taken for granted, when we do so much for her as it is.

 

Thanks,

 

See, I'm gonna jump on that. Barring toxic people, let's assume these are normal, everyday people who have normal relationships. Because, frankly, we do not know, so let's assume. Ok, honey, this bolded part wreaks of something you don't want. Entitlement. Uber amounts of appreciation and praise. Glorification? You know, if my mom was watching my kids several days a week, of course I'd appreciate it. I'd get her the odd card, treat her out to lunch maybe once or twice a year. But I wouldn't harp on how thankful I was. I know my mom (and most grandparents) do not see that as a service to be paid back, but as a privelage. I think my mom would be bothered by too much a show of thankfulness. In a normal family, a family member would be thrilled to serve the others and not keep score.

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See, I'm gonna jump on that. Barring toxic people, let's assume these are normal, everyday people who have normal relationships. Because, frankly, we do not know, so let's assume. Ok, honey, this bolded part wreaks of something you don't want. Entitlement. Uber amounts of appreciation and praise. Glorification? You know, if my mom was watching my kids several days a week, of course I'd appreciate it. I'd get her the odd card, treat her out to lunch maybe once or twice a year. But I wouldn't harp on how thankful I was. I know my mom (and most grandparents) do not see that as a service to be paid back, but as a privelage. I think my mom would be bothered by too much a show of thankfulness. In a normal family, a family member would be thrilled to serve the others and not keep score.

So I take it you wouldn't be bothered by what happened?

I guess I'm not the person you are. I do try to serve. I don't ask for thanks, just a little courtesy. No one who knows me would think I have any entitlement issues. If anything, quite the opposite. Apparently I have done a poor job explaining the situation, but I do appreciate the time you took to respond. And really, I did want to be talked down, as I sense I did overreact emotionally.

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:grouphug: Well and that's why I was careful to take about most families, most relationships. Because we don't know across the internet. And if you don't have any entitlement issues, then I agree with you that you needed to be talked down. No shame in that and I'm sorry if it came across that I did find that shameful. Depending on the day, I may have needed to be talked down from that too. So, ya, I would hope that it wouldn't have bothered me, and most days it probably wouldn't have. But there are days... oh there are days (even minutes or hours) that, depending on several factors, it could have. :lol:

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In a normal family, a family member would be thrilled to serve the others and not keep score.

 

 

Yes, thrilled once in a while. I think it is well within the range of normal for a grandparent to seriously resent having to provide 4 days of babysitting a week. I have an awesome Mom. She lives near me and has always been close, and she has been quick to babysit when I need it and I have been quick to help her out with things too.

 

But for me, with my Mom, it would feel like a serious "advantage taking" to expect 3 or 4 days a week of childcare. There are families in which that would be fine and would feel "normal" but I don't think it's abnormal to say that grandma hasn't the time or energy to babysit 4 days a week. I would not expect that unless I were hospitalized, and even then there would be a lot of expressions of gratitude.

 

On the other hand, I expect I could call my Mom any day and say 'Hey, can I come for dinner" and be told "yes." It might be a lean cuisine, but I assume I am always welcome in my Mom's home. And she in mine. And same with MIL.

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I can't allow myself to get upset about things like that... it's the story of my life. I never know when we are going to have extra people for dinner. They just pop in... either dd and boyfriend, my dad, ds's friends, whoever. We just go with the flow and try to throw on another side dish or so. I would rather our home be open that way. It doesn't always work out. There have been a few times that I had to tell the kids we don't have enough for the friends tonight. This works out fine as they can run out and grab something on their own (teens).

One way to look at it on the positive side.... they must have felt very at home thinking they could do that!

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Guest janainaz

I'd be nice and welcome her. It's your dh's daughter (your stepdaughter?) - I'd go out of my way to be nice. It's ok to change your mind, and she's family. Families need to flexible and open-hearted. But I see how different that is when a step-parent is involved (not always, but often).

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Guest janainaz
And I wish I could be more laid back and generous of spirit. I get too stressed about everything having to be just so.

There's no tension between us, I just don't like being taken for granted, when we do so much for her as it is.

 

Thanks,

Sorry, I did not read the whole thread. I understand the irritation.

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