Talk to be about attitude...

[jewellsmommy]

I have a darling 8 yo dd. She is not the shy type and you always know how she feels about something :D. She can be the most loving and kind thing one minute but... She is quick to frustrate (this is Dh's fault and he has accepted full responsibility :D) Her tone of voice can get sharper then any knife in my kitchen. And the looks, she wrinkles her nose and scowls, rolls the eyes etc. I have caught the girl growling before...not an exaggeration!

 

Now, Dh and I are fairly expressive (yes, that's the nice way to put it) people. He is very quick to get frustrated and it shows in his voice. We are trying to model the behaviors we want to see. I make sure to point out the tone, face, huffs or whatever that I find and inappropriate and we discipline appropriately. However, it just won't go away and really has not improved. She will obey in action but her attitude stinks! She will say "yes mommy/yes ma'am" but in 'that' tone, kwim?

 

So, will it improve with stricter discipline? Will it improve as the adults in her life improve their frustration level and tone? or what?

 

I am going to attach a poll as well just to get a feel for the majority of attitude threshold.

 

Just as I am typing this, I stop to place dd in time out for her snarkiness! She is so huffy. Anyone else have this? Give me hope, somebody!

[jewellsmommy]

Please tell me someone else also has a little one with some attitude? I am starting to get a complex here. :001_huh:

[Carrie12345]

Aw, don't worry! My 8yo dd has plenty of attitude! My 7yo isn't really very far behind her, either.

 

We give room. They know when they've crossed the line, and when to apologize (genuinely) for their behavior. And they almost never cross the line in front of others (non-nuclear family).

[dangermom]

I find that with my little mercurial and easily-frustrated 7yo, I can give a little on the attitude, but if she doesn't snap out of it fairly soon we have to have a serious talk. Bad attitude can easily lead to missing fun activities if she doesn't pull herself together, but if I jumped on every little sigh and pout, we'd never get anything done.

[oldskool]

For some reason we are/have been much more strict about attitude with our oldest. We have little tolerance for the attitude, glances, eye rolls, etc.

Our 6 year old gets away with much more and we tend to overlook a lot as long as she will at least follow the rules, even with a bad attitude. Our middle one gets a mixed bag because generally he is just easy and doesn't have the attitude that the girls do. So we are inconsistent and of course that is not good. However, I am trying to become more lenient with the oldest and allowing her some room for expressing her disapproval. She is quick to react to situations and it often times comes out wrong. She is much like me in fact and I am still learning how to take a few moments before reacting. This probably is not much help to you on how to deal with the situation with your dd, but just wanted to let you know I feel your struggle. It is something that is hard to deal with. I have mentioned this in some of my other posts recently, but someone on this board had recommended the book Boundaries to me. It really has helped me in how I understand DD and what would be a healthy way of dealing with her. I think there is also a book Boundaries with Kids. They are faith based books (not sure if that would be okay for you?), but even if you don't subscribe to the teachings of the Christian faith the information given is very, very helpful.

 

Lesley

[TKDmom]

Please tell me someone else also has a little one with some attitude? I am starting to get a complex here. :001_huh:

 

:lol: It sounds like my dd has been visiting your house. Oh how humbling it is to hear my voice coming out of her little mouth. I am starting a serious effort to control my attitude and my temper. I just wish I had started that 8 years ago. :glare: And I want to hear from people who have btdt, too. :bigear:

[Mothersweets]

Well, I voted other.

 

The third option is what used to happen at our house with our older set of children. The second option is what is happening now with my younger set. I have relaxed in my parenting and in some ways it has been for the better but overall I am starting to think the third option is the way to go. My older set rarely back-talked and might've slumped off to do their work, but they never humphed! or eye-rolled to me.

 

My older, adult children come over and they can't believe what their younger siblings get away with. The younger ones have a meaner tone with each other as well.

 

I should have been (should now be) as strict about attitude with my younger set as with my older set. A parent doesn't have to be mean about it, just consistent and give suitable punishments if the attitude continues. Suitable as in tedious household chores that Mother needs done - scrubbing the kitchen/ bathroom floors with a scrub brush, pulling weeds, etc. you get the picture.

[SailorMom]

Every child is different, but with my DS's, if I let them off the hook for mild attitude issues - they escalate quickly! I have to basically not allow anything. It can be rather exhausting.

[JoJosMom]

:lol: It sounds like my dd has been visiting your house. Oh how humbling it is to hear my voice coming out of her little mouth. I am starting a serious effort to control my attitude and my temper. I just wish I had started that 8 years ago. :glare: And I want to hear from people who have btdt, too. :bigear:

 

:iagree:OP: I wish that I had some advice for you, but we're fighting the same battle here with our 8 year old DD! ... Bonnie:And I'm fighting the same battle with my mouth! Ah, well! At least we're not alone!

[laurad1125]

But in addition to how much attitude I get, I also consider how often. If one of my boys starts to give me a bit of attitude every.single.time. I ask him to do something, I bring out the consequences.

[jewellsmommy]

Thank you everyone. I have been told that girls come with more attitude then boys. I don't know if its true or not... I should probably step up the discipline. It is usually loss of privilege or time out. Though, sometimes I talk her to death, kwim? Anyone else have that killer monologue? Yeah, I'm sure all she hears are the Charlie Brown adults "Waa waaa waaa, waa."

[smrtmama]

My kids may express their unhappiness, but they will do so in a respectful manner. No yelling, back-talking, slamming things, stomping, or eye-rolling. Sulking, frowning, grumbling or complaining to a point, all fine.

[Parrothead]

I don't put up with attitude, anything that closely resembles attitude or thinking about attitude. It is nothing more than a more mature temper tantrum.

 

I don't behave that way. Dh doesn't behave that way. IMHO there is no reason for dd to behave that way. Attitude gets one fired from one's job. I do not know of a single adult that behaves with attitude and thrives in business or general society.

 

If dd does not like a decision or instruction she is more than welcome to discuss it with me or her father.

[Chris in VA]

Just refering to dd10--I give room, but not much room. In fact, I'm usually quick to make a joke if I see an eye roll--just the other day in the store, I said something and she eye rolled, so I said something to the effect of

OH! Wow, that was a good one. Getting ready for 13, eh? I want to see that one again, you've almost got it.

 

Pretty sarcastic, but not said meanly, just a joking thing. She smiled and laughed, so I know I hit the right tone.

 

But she doesn't give much attitude, and I don't take much. If she was ever truly disrespectful, I'd be all over her.

[OrganicAnn]

I would say that you need to make sure that you are modeling good behavior. You shouldn't punish your DD for attitude if she see the same attitude in her parents when they don't want to do something.

 

Then 'do over's are good. Telling her "perhaps a better way to express yourself is to say I am frustrated" and then have her do it. Or "Perhaps a better way to express yourself is I know I have to clean my room, but it is not a chore I like." Etc.

 

I think discipline should only come after you have worked hard at modeling.

[holdoll]

Well, I have to check other because there is no attitude or eye-rolling, etc. allowed - BUT they are always allowed to express their thoughts in a respectful manner.

 

So, for instance, I tell them to do something. They acknowledge and follow through. They can always say, "Yes, I will, Mom. But that upsets me because.... " and then express their thoughts . Then I say something like "Okay, your're right." Or "No, it's got to be done now, or by you, or this way, because..." etc. There's a give and take.

 

Hubby thinks I'm too lenient and shouldn't have to explain myself. I think my children are not frustrated and we're very close. When I said "But" to my mom she would back-hand me in the mouth for sassing her. I never spoke my mind until I was in my mid-twenties after many sessions with a therapist.

[elise1mds]

She will say "yes mommy/yes ma'am" but in 'that' tone, kwim?

 

 

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: I can hear my DD's voice in my head now! "Yes, MOMMY." Huff, huff, arms crossed, grunt, growl. Yes, I get the growling, too. She has the scowl down to a fine art and persists in using it despite my best efforts to convince her that her face will freeze that way, and the accompanying growl is just charming :glare:

 

Seriously, though, we've had a lot of talks about being respectful and following the Golden Rule. DD doesn't like it when I use a "mean voice," so I've told her that if she wants me to use my "nice voice" that she has to do the same for me. It's hard work! I do not take kindly to blatant defiance, muttering behind my back, etc., and I tend to lash out when I feel I am being taunted.

 

DD has helped me immensely with my own issues lately because she has some serious problems that we're working to diagnose, but it doesn't mean she gets to be deliberately rude or spiteful. I tend to be very sarcastic, and that one comes back to bite me in the posterior every single time.

 

My DS loves to be in control of every situation (i.e. negotiate about EVERYTHING), and he is finally learning that he actually has more wiggle room if he works within the given parameters than trying to change the parameters altogether, if that makes any sense. His attitude has changed for the better, at least about 80% of the time, and he enjoys this new freedom!

 

Consistency helps, and I vote let her know that you're working on the same problem. Make it a team effort. :)

[jewellsmommy]

I would say that you need to make sure that you are modeling good behavior. You shouldn't punish your DD for attitude if she see the same attitude in her parents when they don't want to do something.

 

Then 'do over's are good. Telling her "perhaps a better way to express yourself is to say I am frustrated" and then have her do it. Or "Perhaps a better way to express yourself is I know I have to clean my room, but it is not a chore I like." Etc.

 

I think discipline should only come after you have worked hard at modeling.

 

Dh's issue is not attitude about not wanting to do something. It is an attitude of easy frustration/irritation that is reflected in a sharp tone. I am not as bad as dh but same type of problem. You know that irritation you get after you have dropped the same item 3 times, lost your keys and tripped over someone's shoes all in a 10 min time frame? And then the phone rings and your like "NOW WHAT!?" That sort of exasperation. Dh and I have improved tremendously so I expect no less out of dd. Unfortunately, she is persisting in her behavior. Parents are imperfect, like their children, and though I recognize our contribution to the problem I think I should still be able to enact discipline. I just need to know that she will gradually improve (as we do as well) and that she will not be stuck this way :D.

 

Oh and trust me, she has no problem telling me why she is frustrated or what she doesn't like. It is just always accompanied with heavy sighs, arm folding and intense questioning. When I point out her sighing , I get the "I'm just breathing" response. :glare: Why is it that children suddenly encounter shortness of breath when they are spoken to by their parents?

[Kirch]

 

My DS loves to be in control of every situation (i.e. negotiate about EVERYTHING), and he is finally learning that he actually has more wiggle room if he works within the given parameters than trying to change the parameters altogether, if that makes any sense. His attitude has changed for the better, at least about 80% of the time, and he enjoys this new freedom!

 

 

My ds is still at the "win-at-all-costs-even-if-your-life-is-miserable" stage. I'd REALLY like to know how you got him to learn this. Any advice? :bigear: