Pushing a child academically

[Embassy]

What does pushing a child look like to you? Do you believe it is okay or wrong to push a child educationally?

[Corraleno]

I believe in encouraging, enticing, challenging, and motivating a child educationally. I don't like the word "push," though — to me it connotes pushing a child against his will, and in my experience that hasn't worked out very well.

 

Jackie

[Staceyshoe]

I think pushing a child academically can kill their natural love of learning. A lot of times, I think it comes from the parent trying to fulfill their own needs. However, I also think there are some children with a high need for intellectual stimulation. Some children actually crave it, and sometimes what looks like pushing to an outsider is actually the parent meeting the child's need. If a child loves their academics, I don't see a need to keep them from excelling. If they hate their academics, I would think long and hard about pacing, learning style, shorter school days, and a more fun approach.

[Hedgehogs4]

if i push you, you will push back, whether that is physically or emotionally. the same is true of our children. i do believe in setting forth challenges, teaching self-discipline in the area of academics, and not settling for mediocre work when a child is capable of excellence. i expect each child to work to the best of their ability. but i agree with the pp--pushing implies forcing someone to do something against their will.

[Renee in NC]

I think it depends on what you mean by "push." I have a ds who has to be pushed from behind in order to achieve. Picture pushing a large boy up a steep hill with him dragging his feet and digging in his heels the whole way. However, once you get to the top, he looks around and says, "Hey, I like it up here!" If I didn't push, he wouldn't move forward much!

 

My dh is the same way.:tongue_smilie:

 

So, I push him. Alot. (My son - we're not talking about dh's here!:lol:) And we get somewhere.

 

ETA: He *does* push back, but I am more stubborn. This is a child who wouldn't do anything that was remotely hard if you let him. I make him do things that are hard for him and it *has* helped his self-esteem. True self-esteem comes from a difficult task completed. I spent too many years letting him "coast" and now we are paying for it.

Edited September 1, 2010 by Renee in FL

[Sahamamama]

I have a nephew who needs to be pushed. He hasn't been, and it shows. At 13, he has very little academic progress to show for himself and his self-esteem is terribly low -- all wrapped up in the video games he plays.

 

I think there is a balance to achieve, obviously, there is such a thing as pushing too much, too hard, too fast, etc. BUT there does seem to be a personality type, if you will, that NEEDS a good steady hand behind it. Pushing is the only thing that seems to make some "learners" learn.

 

With my nephew, I think some of it has to do with how he perceives anything academic as "hard work" -- which for him, it is, since he's had so little practice at it -- and the avoidance of "work" is paramount to this boy. I feel sorry for him, and can imagine the rude awakening in store for him (and his parents), but he's not my kid. :glare:

 

I do push my children, at times, and make no apology for it. They are more liberated by achievement than they would be by ignorance.

 

Knowing "how" to do something -- read, write, calculate, think, organize -- makes a child free to do it. When we push a child to learn something, to master it, we give him choices. When he knows how, he may later choose not to apply this knowledge to his life, but at least he will have a choice.

[sweetTN]

if i push you, you will push back, whether that is physically or emotionally. the same is true of our children. i do believe in setting forth challenges, teaching self-discipline in the area of academics, and not settling for mediocre work when a child is capable of excellence. i expect each child to work to the best of their ability. but i agree with the pp--pushing implies forcing someone to do something against their will.

 

:iagree:

[angela in ohio]

Depends on what you mean by push. Depends on the situation. Also depends on the child. :001_smile:

 

Some children just need more pushing in general than others. And there are times that some push is called for in most any child. But it also all depends on whether you are pushing well or not.

[Narrow Gate Academy]

I believe in giving my children some work each day that will challenge them and cause them to grow. It's a fine balance determining how much to challenge each student. I would consider making school too challenging so that the child is struggling to be pushing, and in that context it is not a good idea.

 

On the other hand, I think there are some forms of pushing that are OK. Sometimes it is easier for the parent to see the long term benefits of a particular activity than the child, so there are times when I require my kids to do things that they may not want to do at the time. My 6yo, for example, would gladly pass on phonics lessons each day, but I still require him to work with me. None of my kids were excited when I required them spend part of their time at the lake this year working on swimming skills for their swim lessons, but by the end of the summer they had all made huge improvements and had mastered new skills. In those circumstances a combination of firmness, support, and encouragement goes a long way. I wouldn't want to be constantly pushing my kids, but I think there are times when a child needs to be required to do something that they may not want to do at the time.

 

HTH

[Guest TheBugsMom]

I had one that needed pushing, one that needs nudging and one I have to harness.

 

I do however set the bar a little higher, is this pushing? I don't think so. My children are getting one on one teaching. The school day is tailor made for each child. I know their strengths and limits. They need to do their best but strive to do it just a little more. Average is not allowed. Average is C work, washing the window but leaving the sill dusty, and not smiling at the customer and wishing them a good day. I expect my children to be above average...so I "push" them to be above average. I don't think it's wrong.

 

However, if by pushing you mean having them keep up with the Jones because you don't want to look like you're slacking as a homeschooling mom then, yes, pushing is wrong.

[mommy4ever]

Push can be taken in a negative way. Perhaps firm guidance would be appropriate.

 

When I brought my girls home last spring. My youngest had literally learned nothing that year, literally, everything academic was what I'd taught and what her fab K teacher had taught her. She was depressed and resistant to learning.

 

I did have to take a stand and say, I know it's hard, but the more we practice, the easier it will get. I know you don't want to do this, but if we do you will be able to________(fill in the blank, read a book by yourself, play a wii game without mommy have to read, play a board game with your sisters and read your own cards, follow instructions to do your own craft). It took time. But she IS reading, and after only having been homeschooled for 3 months, she WAS able to do most of those things independently with a little bit of help. She is reading at a higher level than we are at in spelling and reading, but it keeps her self esteem up when doing the lesson is coming easier all the time. That said, I don't want to jump up and skip in case we miss something important.

 

My dd11 as soon as it takes effort, tears show up. We treat this gently. She has only been home since April. So she needs to unwind. She was horribly bullied at school by her peers and by the teachers. So there is lack of confidence. Fear of doing it wrong. But I tell her if it doesn't make you think, it doesn't stretch your brain. Having to think is a work out to build a stronger brain. We are adding more fun things for her this year. Even though she is doing an aligned program, she is doing extra stuff that stimulate her and make her WANT to stretch her mind. We have My Math Business, Brain Quest, Dice Games, and other things. She will be doing Lapbooks and Unit studies, that are aimed at a couple years younger. Why? So it's FUN to do. And as we go we can S-T-R-E-T-C-H her way of thinking into something not so linear. And challenge her with something more. But let me tell you, a unit study on chocolate where she gets to bake, make chocolates and learn about chocolate has her hyped. Even if it is meant for up to grade 4. We just added a couple more advanced books.

 

She has a fear of failure. Her art program has a unit on drawing faces and body parts. She is scared she can't do it. Why? Because she has always been compared to other students who had high abilities and told her work showed no effort, that she was just scribbling, and not marked based on HER abilities. So, I'm not letting her back out. But I told her, we'd BOTH keep a portfolio, and share them with our facilitator. Ok...she KNOWS I can't draw. She's having a fit of giggles, still apprehensive, but more willing. I told her if her self portrait has half her face at her butt, it won't matter, we'll say it's abstract and move on.( I know there was an artist who did some odd things with portraits, but I can't remember who) She was laughing so hard she cried. :lol: I have to "push" her as she gets frozen by fear.

 

So is a gently 'push' a bad thing? No, it's not. I think for many it happens. Kids some days don't want to work. Well, know what, it still needs to get done, maybe less that day, but still something. So guidance is essential to a successful education, IMO.

[Rivka]

I don't think it's "pushing" to nudge a child through a hard spot or to choose a curriculum that provides mental challenge.

 

I have seen real pushing. I think Kumon tutoring programs for three-year-olds are pushing. I remember seeing someone say, once, that she had decided that she wanted her four-year-old to be reading at a second-grade level by her fifth birthday. That's pushing.

[Embassy]

I think Kumon tutoring programs for three-year-olds are pushing. I remember seeing someone say, once, that she had decided that she wanted her four-year-old to be reading at a second-grade level by her fifth birthday. That's pushing.

 

I'm curious, why do you consider these instances pushing? While I understand that those instances could certainly look like pushing - it seems like there is an idea floating around that kids who are advanced are pushed.

[angela in ohio]

I'm curious, why do you consider these instances pushing? While I understand that those instances could certainly look like pushing - it seems like there is an idea floating around that kids who are advanced are pushed.

 

I think the key word was "she had decided." ;) Not every child who is advanced has been pushed (trust me, I fight that stigma often with my own dc,) but a mother deciding that she is going to get a young child to a certain point by a certain date screams "bad pushing."

[Embassy]

I think the key word was "she had decided." ;) Not every child who is advanced has been pushed (trust me, I fight that stigma often with my own dc,) but a mother deciding that she is going to get a young child to a certain point by a certain date screams "bad pushing."

 

But we all decide that, don't we? We make reasonable goals for our children. While this seems unreasonable to most of us, it might just be reasonable for this child.

 

I just wonder if the advanced skills are the trigger for the "pushing" label. There are probably children being pushed all across the ability spectrum.

 

By pushing, I refer to unreasonable goals that are not a match with the child's skills.

[bluemongoose]

I think pushing a child academically can kill their natural love of learning. A lot of times, I think it comes from the parent trying to fulfill their own needs. However, I also think there are some children with a high need for intellectual stimulation. Some children actually crave it, and sometimes what looks like pushing to an outsider is actually the parent meeting the child's need. If a child loves their academics, I don't see a need to keep them from excelling. If they hate their academics, I would think long and hard about pacing, learning style, shorter school days, and a more fun approach.

 

I have one of these High Need for intellectual stimulation. It is to such a degree that she acts out when not stimulated. Like almost to the level of ADHD kind of acting out. She is very, very difficult to manage if she is not stimulated every. single. day. And she has been able to express to me that it makes her uncomfortable and unable to focus if I dont do school with her.

 

With this child, I have been told point blank that I am hurting her emotionally by pushing. I suppose that they got the idea from it "looking like I was pushing from the outsider". Mainly because she was such a young age. I remember it being a very hurtful discussion (for me), the other person felt justified in the way she was going to let me have it I guess. I have also noticed a lot of people getting defensive about what their child is doing/not doing compared to mine because my child is so outward with her drive and skills. It is very hard to hide.

 

On the flip side, I do have one that lacks motivation in most things. However, he is not of schooling age yet, so I do not push at this time. I can see it looming in the future though. :glare: He will be my "Mom, I only want to play with legos, I don't need school" kid. He is really motivated with building, but not much else!

 

All that to say, yes pushing is sometimes needed, sometimes it is more about the parent, and sometimes it is more about the insecurities about what other kids are capable of doing.

[angela in ohio]

But we all decide that, don't we? We make reasonable goals for our children. While this seems unreasonable to most of us, it might just be reasonable for this child.

 

I just wonder if the advanced skills are the trigger for the "pushing" label. There are probably children being pushed all across the ability spectrum.

 

By pushing, I refer to unreasonable goals that are not a match with the child's skills.

 

No, to me the advanced skills are not the trigger; it's the age that is.

 

Because young children can be all over the place developmentally and can have surges and slow-downs, many academic goals can be inappropriate for them. This comes from years of watching parents get all excited and start planning when their dc is a bit advanced, but then refuse to continue to take the child's lead when the child slows down. We've all seen it right here on these boards, even.

 

The development of young children is just too uneven to make goals like that, imho, expecially in reading. You can work with them, but you can't force their ability. A more productive goal, I think, for a parent would be to determine a certain amount of time per week that they are going to spend reading to the child and/or giving reading instruction. That is something the parent can control.

 

Ironically, it's parents who set goals like that (and tell others about them) who probably created the impression in others that all parents of advanced dc must be pushing them.

[Georgiana Daniels]

I believe in having my children work up to their potential. If I don't have them work up to their potential then I am the one who is slacking. Pushing, to me, describes trying to force someone beyond their ability level. (That is different than challenging a student to stretch beyond what they think they can do. IMO, this is perfectly fine.)

[JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst]

I think that "pushing" is asking your child to work at a level or pace that is beyond realistic for that child. Where that line is crossed is probably different for every individual.

 

That said-students need to be encouraged past the rough spots while being continually challenged. It is a tough balancing act.

 

Having high standards as a parent or teacher isn't necessarily pushing.

[Storm Bay]

I think it depends on what you mean by "push."

:iagree: Age is a factor, as well. I don't think any young child should be pushed (4, 6 etc). Personality is important. If I didn't do any pushing, some of my dc wouldn't do any academics at all. That said, I don't push beyond making them do one grade per year regardless of whether or not they are capable of doing more. I don't make them live up to their potentials and try not to squelch their love of learning. Not that they all have loved all facets of learning anyway.

 

I think that you can push a dc too hard, and that that varies with each dc. It's very challenging to see a dc with a lot of potential who can't be bothered to live up to it, but that happens in every area, not just in academics. There are usually more dc who are not gifted who are willing to work hard than there are dc who are gifted in general, and then amongst the gifted dc there are many who can't be bothered to work that hard because it's not their passion--in sports, the arts, school, etc.

Edited September 1, 2010 by Karin

[FO4UR]

It boils down to motivation.

 

Is the push for the child's benefit or Mommy's?

 

Now, this is a fuzzy area b/c Mommy can convince herself that the pushing is for the good of the child without realizing it isn't.

 

I push my dc daily. I try terribly hard to check my motivation!

[Rivka]

I have seen real pushing. I think Kumon tutoring programs for three-year-olds are pushing. I remember seeing someone say, once, that she had decided that she wanted her four-year-old to be reading at a second-grade level by her fifth birthday. That's pushing.

 

I'm curious, why do you consider these instances pushing? While I understand that those instances could certainly look like pushing - it seems like there is an idea floating around that kids who are advanced are pushed.

 

I don't think that all advanced kids are pushed. I was reading chapter books when I was four, and the only thing my parents did was read to me and take me to the library. So I definitely wasn't pushed. Nor do I think it qualifies as "pushing" if a three- or four-year-old asks to learn to read and the parent buys a copy of OPGTR and does lessons when the child shows interest.

 

What trips my "pushing" meter is a sense that it is important to the parent that the child be advanced, and that a young child is expected to meet parent-selected performance goals that are outside the normal developmental path.

 

Little kids don't necessarily follow a steady trajectory on academic subjects. My daughter could identify all the letters by about 16 months. She was fascinated with letters and loved to have me write them down for her. She learned to read at five. If I had decided that she ought to keep up her early pace, we could have had some very unpleasant preschool years.

[abrightmom]

I believe in having my children work up to their potential. If I don't have them work up to their potential then I am the one who is slacking. Pushing, to me, describes trying to force someone beyond their ability level. (That is different than challenging a student to stretch beyond what they think they can do. IMO, this is perfectly fine.)

 

:iagree: This is well said. I have NO problem pushing my very smart, capable 2nd grader who would rather play Legos and have "screen time" all day long. He would NOT do any school work (other than read) without constant accountability. EVERYTHING has to be "pushed" on him unless it is something he wants . . . :001_smile:

Edited September 1, 2010 by abrightmom
spelling typo