Living with my parents, things to consider?

[Deece in MN]

I am wondering if anyone here lives with parents or in-laws? In about 2 years, we will be moving into a house with my mom and step-dad. It will be dh and I, my mom and step-dad, dd and ds (if he is still at home).

I am curious how it has worked out for others and what advice you would give someone who is considering this situation. I have been thinking about things like food prep, cleaning, making sure everyone has their space, etc, but I am sure there are lots of things I haven't thought about and probably won't until they come up in the course of daily living. We are excited about this, but also want to be prepared as much as we can.

Thanks for any thoughts and advice. :)

[Mama Geek]

My dh and I stayed with my IL's for several months while unemployed and while I was pregnant. It wasn't a necessity, but once we found a Dr in that area that we really liked, we decided to stay there instead of returning to the home that we own, that is empty and for sale. It was very difficult at times because my MIL is pretty controlling. We had personalities that just don't mix well. My dh had the same problems with her, but he was used to it since he grew up with it. The time with my FIL was pretty great. I would probably not choose to do it again unless there was no other option.

 

If you can all respect boundaries it will make it much easier for you. The details aren't that hard to deal with if the boundaries are in place and everybody treats each other well.

[Guest janainaz]

I lived with my in-laws for 7 months. I love my dh's family, but I would never ever ever ever ever want to do that again. I'm an introvert, MIL was an extrovert and she could not understand me wanting to spend time, alone, in my room. Insecure people can take very personally the personality of someone else if they don't understand their behavior.

 

My MIL and FIL also had five younger children (adopted) and so we were both 'parenting' with different ideas in mind. I let my ds watch Caillou, but later found out that Caillou was a dirty word in her house, and me allowing my ds to watch it in our room undermined and made a statement back to MIL. We talk and giggle and play at the table, we are very relaxed and non-structured, my in-laws were more uptight and dinner time was a more serious event. I wanted to help clean the house, my help was unwanted by MIL. I could go on and on about little issues that came up. I would just recommend sitting down and discussing the little things - because it's the little things that cause most of the issues. Get everyone on the same page and make sure that you all understand the LIVING personality of each other. Hanging out with one another and living together can be very different.

[Tap]

Things to consider.....

 

 

It would be a cold day in h**l before I moved in with my mil or my mother. LOL It wouldn't even be considered here.

[Lolly]

We live with my fil. It is very, very hard. Turns out that we think kids should be raised in different ways. He has a lot of trouble keeping his ideas to himself. He doesn't want any food allowed out of the kitchen, unless it is him. We allow our kids to eat in places other than the kitchen. He doesn't think food should be allowed except at mealtimes. We allow our dc to get whatever they wish when they wish. He insists that all doors to the house be locked at all times. I like to leave the main door not only unlocked, but also opened (storm door closed).( He locks us out of the house if we go out to weed or check the mail.) He doesn't like women being outside after dark.:glare: Ummm, so sorry. I come and go as I please. Dd17 walks the dog every evening. It is too hot to do that until the sun is going down. He is terrified that she will be kidnapped. He has finally gotten over me being out after dark, but dd17 going to a movie and coming in after 10? Ohhhh NOOO~~~ He is extremely hard on ds13. He is constantly trying to parent him. (I have had one real blow up with fil over this one. It helped, but not for long.) We are expected to clear our plans with him if we are leaving the house for any reason. (I know some people here think this is common courtesty, to let everyone in the house know where you are going; but he doesn't just nod okay. You are required to give him a reason for needing to go and a return time. It is like being a little kid again. If you are not home at the minute you give, you are yelled at when you do come in. You really cannot give a return time. I am not used to having any types of restrictions put on my movements. I am an adult and used to being extremely independent.) I have gotten to the point that I refuse to do this. I just leave. I never tell him when I will be back. I just say that I have no idea. Everything we do is monitored. The food we eat and the quantities are scrutinized. The fact that too much food was cooked is constantly pointed out, I mean every meal. :glare: Well, I'm cooking for 7 adults, 4 of whom are teens. They eat a lot. Even family packaging only comes in quantities for 8. We need more than that. The next option add on makes a little too much. Strange thing is, it is normally eaten too. :tongue_smilie: He is insists that we have his cleaning lady come in 3 days a week. (The world revolves around her. No, he is not interested in her in any way.) It would be nice, but we are in the house. No laundry is allowed to be done those three days, or the day before??? because it might get in her way. Things are not clean if you don't pay someone to do it.

 

Honestly, there are hundreds of other things. Basically, he is more strict than dh and I are with the kids. And us. He is fearful which causes problems. He is so antiwaste it is insane (think Depression aged mentality). He does not think women should be allowed to have a brain or function on their own. He still considers dh to be a child, me too. He also thinks that we should sit around and watch him watching television all evening. He watches golf, baseball, and football. That is all. (We do not tend to watch sports on tv.) But, without us here he would most likely die within a year. That is why we live with him. (There have been times....) He simply cannot take care of himself. I have come to realize that his enjoyment in life seems to come from ordering people around and arguing with them. No matter what your position, he will argue about it. And, you are wrong. Always.

[LisaKinVA]

I am wondering if anyone here lives with parents or in-laws? In about 2 years, we will be moving into a house with my mom and step-dad. It will be dh and I, my mom and step-dad, dd and ds (if he is still at home).

I am curious how it has worked out for others and what advice you would give someone who is considering this situation. I have been thinking about things like food prep, cleaning, making sure everyone has their space, etc, but I am sure there are lots of things I haven't thought about and probably won't until they come up in the course of daily living. We are excited about this, but also want to be prepared as much as we can.

Thanks for any thoughts and advice. :)

 

 

1. Personalities. Anything that drives one of you nuts about the other will be magnified.

 

2. Boundaries. You must respect their space and vice versa. It's easy for the lines to become a bit blurred (especially for little children), but it is important to maintain them. This includes guests.

 

3. Adjusting schedules. Laundry, kitchen... bathrooms. Anything that must be shared. Being flexible. Sharing food (my dad will eat anything of ours, but will complain if I use an egg...simply so I don't have to run downstairs to get one).

 

4. Maintenance. Who does what? Some of the ummm, most interesting conversations have happened due to this issue. If your Step Dad doesn't like doing maintenance, there is only going to be more to do. Cleaning. If your mom is a bit OCD on the issue, your efforts will always fall short.

 

Honestly, I don't know how we've lived here this long. It was supposed to be a year or two (job change), the market took off in 2001, and before we knew it we were priced out and unwilling to buy the over-inflated prices. Got a deal on land 2.5 years ago, had everything set to build then we were told we were being transfered to Italy. Changed constr-perm to a land loan. Then didn't get transfered and couldn't build for a year. Banking collapse happens, real estate meltdown happens, and can't get a stinkin' loan. Finally find a good loan, and I lose my job, cutting income back again. Get a notice telling us our land equity has decreased $100,000 in a year. Despite the permits ready to pull on our house, we have to lose another 1000 square feet from the house plan in order to afford it on dh income, and with new equity requirements. It's been 8.5 years here. We have a meeting with our builder tonight -- hopefully to get our 3rd round of house plans nailed down (did I mention $7k on houseplans thus far?) Oh, and we have to attempt to make sure there is room in this house *should* my parents decide to sell out and move into our basement (dad won't commit to that -- wants a couple of years to decide), and we *have* to build a 3 BR just in case my in-laws lose everything (as my MIL constantly says), so we can build a 1BR suite over a garage for them (I *can't* handle living with my MIL).

 

In sum... living with family is complicated. very complicated.

[Dobela]

I am wondering if anyone here lives with parents or in-laws? In about 2 years, we will be moving into a house with my mom and step-dad. It will be dh and I, my mom and step-dad, dd and ds (if he is still at home).

I am curious how it has worked out for others and what advice you would give someone who is considering this situation. I have been thinking about things like food prep, cleaning, making sure everyone has their space, etc, but I am sure there are lots of things I haven't thought about and probably won't until they come up in the course of daily living. We are excited about this, but also want to be prepared as much as we can.

Thanks for any thoughts and advice. :)

I have not done it, and would only do it if the health of my parents depended on it or they had reached the stage between independence and nursing home. We even turned down the house next door already but my mom is very vocal in her dislike of me and of our dd3. That being said, if I had a wonderful relationship with my parents, I might consider it. I still think that I would want my own privacy while living close. Have you considered a duplex with you on eone side and themon the other??

[Tess in the Burbs]

I lived with my dh's grandparents when he lost his job. He stayed in the city with a friend to job hunt. I had 2 young kids and it was the worst time of my life!

 

They were nice. But they didn't like any noise. I kept the kids and myself in a small closed off room all day long. We left a lot. But it was summer and HOT.

 

The food thing was awful b/c I had small kids with allergies. I told them I would cook my own food and clean up. I cooked for them but never ate their food.

 

Then I figured out the sound I kept hearing...MICE. In bowls of food on the counters. Dead ones on the floor in the mornings.

 

We stayed a month and moved into an apt back in the city. So much for saving money. LOL

 

We thought we were going to have to move in with family this summer.....dh did get a new job and we are good now. But I think it would be hard.

 

Perhaps discuss meals you like and split up the duties. Every other day? You cook and clean. They have their day. So no one is falling over each other. Perhaps a second fridge in a garage to help everyone have their own stuff? Maybe set up laundry days so you aren't both needing it the same time? And know that just b/c you don't want to do everything together it's ok.

 

I know people who have 3 generations in their home and are loving it and are adding on rather than get people out. It can work in the right situation.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Seriously, I would consider NOT doing it. But, I just know for a fact that I couldn't live with my in-laws. We lived with my mother when the kids were little and we sold our condo, and it was not a pleasant experience at all.

[MeaganS]

We just spent 6 months living with my in-laws. Luckily, they have a big house and are very respectful of boundaries. We pretty much got a run of the whole basement, but were welcome anywhere. In fact, I love my in-laws and they were fantastic the whole time. It was hard, because it wasn't MY house, but it was about as ideal as the situation would be. I wouldn't consider it if my in-laws personalities were different, though. Their positive and un-interfering attitude was what made it bearable.

[bookfiend]

May I chime in here with a positive note. My parents lived with us for an extended time. Maybe it makes a difference that it was my parent and our house, but we missed them so much when the moved to their own home (5 minutes away). People's reaction to our situation told me so much about their relationship to their own family. Invariably comments were extreme - either "You are so lucky!" or "How can you stand it?"

 

May you be blessed in the rare opportunity to grow together in deep family relationship.

Edited September 1, 2010 by bookfiend

[Harriet Vane]

I have not personally done this, though I have seen friends give it a try.

 

Make sure it's clear exactly who is parenting your kids and what your expectations are. I've had long-term, non-family houseguests feel they could discipline or parent my kids (!!!) and my reaction to that has always been rage. Anyone who lives with me has to understand clearly that dh and I are the parents, and ALL parenting issues are referred to us. Period.

 

Make sure it's clear what space belongs to whom. What are the common areas, and what are the expectations for keeping those areas clean? What areas are private? Etc.

 

I absolutely adore my mil and fil, though I know that if ever they need to live with us we will struggle. We know that if they need us we WILL care for them, absolutely, but mil and I have very different personalities, and that will create problems. In our case, mil is much cleaner and tidier than I, and has very clear ideas on the "right" way to maintain a home. (Her ideas take far more time and effort than I am willing to give, lol!) Also mil has been living by bad diet advice for the last 30 years--all my notions of cooking from scratch, eating organically, and including healthy fats in our diet are blasphemy to her. I imagine major food wars, because neither of us is willing to concede ground on diet issues. :tongue_smilie:

[Deece in MN]

Thank you all for the replies. I didn't realize my post went through last night because I got a screen that said server busy try again later. :)

Anyway, I should maybe clarify. My mom and step-dad are not to the stage of needing help at this point, but it is something we have discussed with them in the past and we had a plan of living with them when that time came.

Things are happening now that is creating the possibility of bumping the time frame up for that plan (hence the 2 years from now). It doesn't have to happen now, but we have all talked about why not do it sooner since it was our plan anyway.

Also, the house would be all of ours. We are looking at buying a new house that has enough room for all of us. We are splitting the mortgage and dh and I will inherit this house in the future. So, I don't think there will be a feeling of it being "their" house and we are just living there (at least I am hoping :)).

My mom, step-dad, and dh think it is a great idea and will work out well. I do have some reservations. My mom and I can have our moments, but most of the time we get along great. I just don't want it to turn bad because I value the relationship we have now.

I appreciate the comments. I am glad there was 1 positive story. :)

Even the ones that didn't work out so great are good to know. I think the rate of success might be somewhat low for this type of situation and we have to weigh the pros and cons carefully.

Thanks for the advice and things to think about.

[JeneralMom]

Living with my mother almost ended my marriage, and has thrown us into financial chaos. My mum did not want to live alone or take care of herself, so we bought a home that had a bedroom, bathroom and extra living room for her, at the top of our budget, because she was willing to "pay her share". Next thing we know all her stuff is being moved in before our movers get there and is spread all over the house. Her "share" is not 1/3rd of the mortgage, but 1/6th (her reason - there is only 1 of her and there were 5 of us - yeah, two of whom were under 3yo and 1 in utero) and refused to pay for utilities. After 2.5 years of this I was given an ultimatum by DH - "either she goes or I do". Luckily, he got an out-of-state position and we moved. We wanted to sell the house as soon as we heard, but she wanted to stay and offered to pay the mortgage and get roommates - well, she let two nut jobs live there who didn't pay the rent, and damaged the home. Now, somehow, there has been structural damage to the tune of $40,000 that insurance won't cover and she refuses to live there and is moving. Well, there goes the house because we can't pay rent here, mortgage there, and $40,000. Financial ruin - thanks, mom.

[Scuff]

Are you moving in with them or are they moving in with you? Either way you need to have rules and expectations laid out ahead of time for both of you. The person whose house it is tends to feel more "in charge" though. Both of you need to seriously consider if that's something you can live with. Be honest with yourself. Look at the daily habits of each party. Not what they say they're going to do, but how they live now. Can you live with that? Establish boundries ahead of time, be flexible, and honestly look at whether you should do this and you'll be fine.

 

 

ETA: NM, I see you answered some of this. Owning together: there will be two "men of the house", two "women of the house". You'll still have to have boundries, *especially* with everyone feeling ownership of the situation. Who's going to decorate the living room or organize the kitchen? Sounds small, but these little things can creat conflict and hurt feelings and discontentment. It'll also be even more important that you have established boundries ahead of time. Can I make a suggestion? Do either of you have a house that's big enough to host the other? If you are serious about this, you should live with each other before owning a house together. Once you own that house, it'll be hard to get out if you find you cannot live together. (unless one of you is able to buy the other out)

 

My MIL has lived with us for about 5 years. Our plan was to buy a 4 BR house together and she'd live with us. We have had a reletively positive experience. There are lots of benefits to living together. She carpools with DH and lets me use her car, so we can remain a 1 car family without the pain. She's available to babysit at the drop of a hat. The kids really get to know grandma. She has less rent. Doesn't have to cook (though she's chooses to now) Really gets to know the grandkids. But she's moving out soon and it will be for the better all around. I'm really glad we had these years living together before commiting to a house neither of us could afford on our own. Through this time she has discovered that she really doesn't want to give up some things. She wants her own kitchen, her own dishes and paint on the wall. Things you give up living with someone else. And she doesn't want to bend to her son. We've seen personality and living style differences that we don't want to compromise on. She just bought her own house and couldn't be happier. I love her, but can't wait for her to move out and us to have full use of the house.

 

Snother thing to realize: you will have two more people "parenting" your children. Sure, you're still the parents. But these people will be speaking into their lives on a daily basis. Their influence will increase tremendously and even the best grandparents will do things that make you cringe.

Edited September 1, 2010 by Scuff
added a bunch

[Melinda in VT]

For a long-term, non-emergency situation like this, make sure that each nuclear couple/family has their own bedroom, bathroom, AND living room, preferably with their own entrance. That way, you can each have visitors without infringing on the others. And you don't have to fight over TV issues (is it on or not? What shows to watch?).

 

Talk about house and yard maintenance. Do you have similar standards? Who does what?

[LazyDazy]

We have been living with my fil for a few months while we find a home of our own. It has been great. The kids love have Gpa around and he loves having us. I will admit he is a very easygoing guy and he does work alot so there isn't a lot of time when we are all here together. However, the apartment is tiny which causes the biggest problem for us. We tend to have a mess even after cleaning up (no where to put things away).

 

I have lost both of my parents now and I would have loved the chance to have had them move in with me or vise versa. Especially for the kids... Just keep in mind that the years your kids have to spend with their grandparents may be more limited than you think. Even with my mil, who I have more difficulities with, I would take the chance to be together as a family if only for my kids. I mean, really, she did raise the man who I plan to spend the rest of my life with so she does know what she is doing.;)

[Renee in NC]

Make sure that they have realistic expectations of what children are like. When we stayed at my mother's last summer, what they expected from my dc was not appropriate. Five dc were sharing one room. They expected that the dc would be in their room by 7pm to watch TV quietly. The reason? My stepfather had a bunch of TV shows to watch (hours and hours of shows!) and he didn't want to have to listen to the dc over his shows. My dc don't even like TV that much and were used to "family time" in the evenings.

 

Suffice it to say that it was horrible. We would be trying to do school and my mother would be watching TV in the room where we were doing school. She refused to go to work (she could work from home) but spent all day complaining about how out of control my dc were. She called them the "monsters" and did nothing but nit-pick everything they did. She said it was because she was around them all the time, but when we discussed us staying there, she promised that she would go to work so as to limit her irritation with them.

 

We finally were able to leave after 3 months, but it was the longest 3 months of my life. That (and a few other things) has ruined my relationship with my mother. I didn't really "know" her before that (she didn't raise me) and now that I do, I wish we could go back. Neither of them has children (other than me, but, like I said, she didn't raise me.)

[Renee in NC]

For a long-term, non-emergency situation like this, make sure that each nuclear couple/family has their own bedroom, bathroom, AND living room, preferably with their own entrance. That way, you can each have visitors without infringing on the others. And you don't have to fight over TV issues (is it on or not? What shows to watch?).

 

Talk about house and yard maintenance. Do you have similar standards? Who does what?

 

Yes, yes, yes. A separate living room area would have salvaged the situation. The separate entrance wasn't a big deal, and we did have 2 bedrooms, but the livingroom issue (and the loud bid screen TV right off of the dc's bedroom) was the worst.

[WarriorMama]

We share a house with family, and it has its ups and downs. I love having people around, having my kids develop closer relationships with their relatives, having extra hands to help when I need them. I'm also an introvert who needs quiet time and space and doesn't get a lot of it. And a control freak...I'm okay with cleaning up after my kids, but it REALLY bugs me to find myself cleaning up after other adults. Not cool.

 

If we had a much larger house, I would do this forever. But we're too crowded here now, and will be moving into a place on our own early next year. I'm excited...but I'll also miss it. You can't have it all, I guess...

 

Also, I completely agree with the person who said have separate living space, preferably with its own entrance. Unless you have all mutual friends, it can be annoying to try and socialize when there are extra people in the house who don't wish to be a part of it. AND it's annoying if the adults in the house have different standards of cleanliness - my mother would happily invite people over when the house looks like a tornado's just been through it, and it HORRIFIES me, lol.

[ChrisOR]

We're currently doing this, and while there's nothing major to complain about, reading the others' stories about the little things does confirm to me why this is hard. Knowing how others share similar experiences and feelings, I think I can stop beating myself up over these negative feelings I have towards this situation.

 

I'm an introvert. As you all know, homeschooling doesn't allow for much "alone" time as it is, and when the house is full all day, including other adults, I rarely have a quiet alone moment. Even my computer is in the "common" office space, alongside with my inlaws' computer so that time is even shared.

[The Girls' Mom]

I've lived with my inlaws twice for short periods of time.

 

1. I would make sure it was very clear up front who will be responsible for what.

 

2. Make sure they respect your authority as the parent. On the flip side, be willing to listen to their concerns. It's hard if you've been childless for a while to return to living with kids.

 

3. Be willing to overlook the small stuff. Always ask yourself if it will really matter to you a year from now, or when they are gone, before you let it rub you the wrong way.

 

4. Make SURE you have a decent place to go to in the house to 'get away'. That goes for all of you.

 

5. Remember that sharing a home is almost like getting married. You will see the good, bad and the ugly. Make sure you are willing to accept it all, just like you do with your husband.

 

I think the experience can be good or bad, depending on your outlook. My SIL lived with the very same set of inlaws for a short while, and has a completely different outlook. I didn't mind too much, and would do it again if needed. She would rather be shot. But there was a bigger personality clash, and different expectations of what it should have looked like.